where to start???

i was dreading that whole funeral trip
i had to take recently. i figured it was
gonna knock me for a loop for the rest of
the season and really be a challenge as it
would bring up so many memories and feelings.

turns out it was an incredibly healing trip.

there have been so many insights
and healing moments in a few short days…
or well….a few long days…
that it’s kinda overwhelming to even
know where to begin.

this one just popped into my head,
so this is the one i’ll grab today –

i was sitting at my uncle’s funeral
listening to the words, the beliefs and
the tone of the whole thing.

none of it seemed to match for me.
if these words were believed, it was
hard to come to terms with the weary
way of presenting them.

and from there, i was led to this deep
feeling of wanting to really live.
and wanting to really live REAL.

if that’s a weird way to say it,
maybe you’d say ‘authentic’ or
maybe you’d say ‘walk your talk’….

or maybe i’d say dance your dance with gusto.

i was filled with it.

there’s a lotta threads to this,
and some are other people’s personal threads,
so rather than spill their guts, you’ll just
have to run with this with me and assume a lotta
threads pulled together inside me to just make
a ZING thing happen and my whole being was
vibrating with this.

there i was zinging thru this weary funeral
thinking about really really living and really
really living what i believe.

i know someone who spent his life trying to come
to terms with his beliefs. as far as i know, it’s
cause he could never really believe them.
they weren’t his.
but he couldn’t untangle the strings that would set him
free to believe what was right for him.

i thought of him.
and thought of my own beliefs.
and thought, shoot if they change, they change,
but while i’ve got them, i want to really step into them.
i don’t want to live halfway.
and if i can’t believe something then i can’t believe something
and that’s okay.

i want to claim where i am, and keep striving to be more,
and yet dance in what i’ve got and who i am at this moment.

i felt the strongly at the funeral.
and i feel it strongly now.

this is it. ya know?
let’s live it real.