journal

musings and ponderings…

February 24, 2017

a little fyi for ya…

i’ve been mentioning this therapy that deals
with the different parts of you.
it’s called ‘inner family systems’ therapy.

i don’t do it for real.
i just do my own kinda thing with my own
kinda wanderings.

but because of the quote of the day today,
which i’ll post at the bottom here, and because
of the inner work i’ve been focusing on this week,
and because of an email i received in response
to the quote of the day, i ended up telling someone
about IFS therapy. told her to google it.

she did.
got intrigued and is gonna set up an appointment
with a therapist nearby who does this stuff.

go figure.

so i’ve been thinking about that, and wanted to
post some ‘real’ information here for anyone else
who was interested.

in that search for the right thing to share, i ended up on
youtube. i have only just begun! just watched one
vid…..but thought this was a great place to start to share.

if you’re curious, check out the vid.
if you want more info, browse around youtube, or
just google it. it could speak to you.

i think i’m going to be doing a lot of viewing and
a lot of mulling…

their_right

February 23, 2017

more mo!

in an email exchange this morning,
i suggested to someone who had their trust
broken deeply that maybe they wanted to
turn to trust of themselves. and how that
could show up in different ways.

it was just a thought that occurred to me
as i was writing so i tossed it out there.

usually this stuff is more addressed to me
than to them, and if i’m aware, i can see that.

ha! as i was writing it, i totally saw that these
words were ones i could use right now.

i smiled.
yep.
got it.

and understanding that sometimes momentum
is something you just gotta grab and work with,
i took this idea to the inner gang i’m conversing
with right now.

i want to keep the mo goin’ with this group of mine!

doin’ different visuals with my different parts,
i concentrated on trust in myself.

there was great rejoicing inside of me this morning!

the intention this week is to work with the inner
visuals. to include that in as much of my thinking as i can.

and after only a few days in,
i’m thinking this is a practice i need to incorporate
for the rest of my darn life.

i have been doin’ visuals with my inner parts for years now.
and i have taken particular things intentionally to those visuals.
the difference this week tho has been to intentionally bring
EVERYTHING to them and include them in as much of my
process as i can.

it’s just a little bit of a different twist –
but my gosh, it’s feeling like a life changing one.

wanted to share!

shes_with_me_now

February 22, 2017

gathering the inner gang…

i’m intent right now on doin’ some inner work
that totally needs to be done.
and so i headed out today specfically to go
talk to my inner gang of  the different parts of me.

i had a challenge yesterday.
where something that happened made me feel bad.
but i rose to the darn challenge and was celebrating
a victory this morning as i walked.

something happened that brought up bad feelings.
at first i didn’t understand.
just knew i felt bad.
so i stopped and tried to figure it out.
it didn’t take long to get it.
i think mostly i gotta work on being aware enough
to stop and ask myself.
the response seems to come fairly quickly.
it’s the asking that takes longer.

and yes, of course, it was past gunk.

then when i got it,
i had to kinda sit with that and figure out what to do.
things i’ve done in the past don’t seem to work,
so i wanted to try something new.

i want to really intentionally move away from the past
and keep facing my present. so i picked something to do
that fit that thought and it worked. i remembered my inner
parts and pictured them involved as well.
and it was all over.
no residue even.

this morning i decided that was a pretty darn good victory.
there were high fives all around inside myself.
and then i laughed out loud as i walked because i pictured
what i had done with all my inner selves.
i pictured a crowd of terri’s – all different ages –
arms all raised over their heads carrying as a group
a big blob of icky gooey bad energy right on out of our space –
which happened to be a cave.

it felt kinda like a scene you’d see with those little yellow
minnion guys? something oddly like that.

i laughed out loud and nodded my head.
yes.
yes.
yes.
together we lifted that ick right on out.

interesting too as part of the visual when i was turning
to what to do about the bad feeling – part of that visual
involved me and my selves holding up our hands blocking
the bad stuff.

a lotta hand movements goin’ on here.
i like that.

i know i’m gonna have many many hurdles as i go thru
really working with this stuff. but this one –
well this one was a victory.

intention.
shoot.
it makes such a darn difference.

a wall

 

February 21, 2017

talking to myself in a parked car…

last time i had to wait for him,
i sat in a waiting room with the tv blaring.
this time i knew better.
i packed books, paper, pen, and blanket
and told him i’d wait in the car.

ohhhhh what a great idea that turned out to be!

not only could i concentrate with no distractions,
i was cocooned in my own little bubble where i
could talk to myself out loud if i wanted to!

ahhh yes.
this was my kinda waiting room.

i snuggled all my selves in and started thinking
about what we(me) were doin’ with the whole
concept of taking the non-love stuff from my past
and not only realizing that that stuff didn’t mean
i wasn’t loveable – but goin’ beyond that, realizing
how much those people who couldn’t (or didn’t)
love me missed out on….
and then goin’ beyond that and realizing none of it
matters anymore and to truly live fully who i want to be-
who I AM –
there isn’t room for any of that stuff anymore.

that stuff was a vehicle to get me where i am.
but no more than that now.

that vehicle won’t travel the terrain that is front of me today.

it is time to not just drop the ‘why couldn’t they love me?’ kinda thinking
and really move into living fully who i am.

i have been understanding this in stages for years now.

but i think i just crossed a line on the journey.
maybe passed a border.
and i can see clearly that the road in front of me requires a new
kinda vehicle.
one that is powered by my belief in myself.
one that has no room for the non-belief of others.

how cool to be sitting in my car as i figured this out.

vine_200x67

 

February 20, 2017

no sour hearts please…

pulled a book off the shelf this weekend –
it’s one that deals with the method of therapy
called ‘Internal Family Systems.’

it’s all about dealing with the different parts inside you.
i know about it, because this kinda thought process
comes out so much in my writing, that someone just
assumed i followed this therapy practice. when i told
her i had never heard of it, she referred me to several
books on the subject.

who knew? i was doin’ an actual therapy style when
i went out for walks with my inner selves! how cool!

realizing i hadn’t done much work with ‘my parts’ lately,
i took a walk this morning to have a group meeting with myself.

in talking to my selves of all ages, i assured them that
i was there for them, and i always would be. and that yeah,
some people in my life hadn’t been. and in the imagination
of my mind, i flashed a screen up for us all to see with
the pictures of those who had done the most hurting.
(this has to come from being exposed to so many youtube
lectures lately!)

i explained that ‘sour hearts’ weren’t gonna do us any good.
even towards these people.
then i clicked the images off the screen and put up our own.
a whole buncha terri’s up on the screen.
and i went on with the idea that  we had to be careful not to
turn any sour hearts towards ourselves too.

it’s then i saw each of my different parts take lollipops they
had – some had in their mouths, some in their hands, and
put them down. turns out they were sour lollipops.
they all put them down out of reach.

i laughed.
‘yeah. ick. don’t need that.’
i continued with how i understood it’s not all sweetness.
that we can’t just pick up sweet heart shaped lollipops and know
it’s all gonna be okay. that i know there’s a lotta feelings here for us
to sift thru. but if we start by putting the sour down, that seemed like
a great thing.

we don’t need any sour hearts here.

i noticed a new feeling inside myself.
maybe it’s been there for a long time and i just never realized,
i don’t know.
but i noticed a confidence in myself in taking care of myself.
of being the one who needs to be there for me.
of knowing i not only could but that i also wanted to.

and i remembered how important this work is for me.
and so, once again, i step back into the world of my inner self
where i let the visuals guide me…

vine_200x67

 

 

 

 

February 17, 2017

the great potluck feast of life.

did you ever feel like there are moments in your life
when a particular idea is hyper-present?
you’re not sure if it’s just something that’s on your
mind so it just keeps showing up.
or it shows up so much it can’t help but be brought to mind.

that’s happening with me right now.

the theme/idea/thought/question/pondering –
do we realize how important it is to offer ourselves to others
AND how aware are we of this offering to those who are
around us in the more day-to-day/ordinary moments of our lives?

do we keep this awareness in mind when we interact?
do we realize, that while yes, love is unconditional,
you really do kinda need to offer something good about yourself
for people to want to be near you.

no, i don’t mean you gotta be happy and buy everyone
dinner all the time.

you can be downright heartbroken and poverty striken
and still be someone i want to be with.

and you can be gloriously jolly and rich and be someone i can’t
stand to be around.

i think a lot of times it might just boil down to the level of
self-centeredness – how self absorbed you are.

and again, there are times we gotta be caught up in ourselves.
i get that.
but you only get so long, baby.

i think often of care-takers.
and how so many many times the person being cared for
gets to be totally self absorbed. to the point where they’re
actually abusive to the one doing the care taking.

that’s not okay.

it’s the self absorbed stuff.
it’s just not good.

but when you start looking at your moments as if they’re
a great potluck feast and you start pondering what deliciousness
you can add to the meal…
well, by golly, then i wanna be at your table!

i’m thinking most of us forget this more than we should.
so i wanted to put a little weekend reminder out for every single
one of us. and yeah, me in particular.

offer your deliciousness.
it matters.

and if people can’t recognize it……..um….perhaps another table?

toasting the feast!

vine_200x67

February 16, 2017

lectures, teachers, offerings…

i’ve been watching some lectures on youtube.
i think i may have just found a new obsession.

right now i’m listening to a philosophy series by a teacher
at harvard. i think the subject is called  moral and political philosophy.
but i’m not sure if that’s really the accurate name for it.
the series i believe is called ‘justice.’

i’m a few hours into these things…
and think i’m more captivated by the teacher than the things he’s teaching.

actually, i’m more captivated by what he’s teaching by HOW he’s teaching.

that sentence didn’t make sense, did it?

let me try again –

it’s becoming less and less about the content and more and more
about his approach.

i’m assuming the guy has been immersed in the content for many years.
he knows a lot and could out think any student in the room.
and yet, his approach is to put out the philosophical thought and then ask
the students who agrees with it, and who doesn’t. and get their
input into why.

if a student offers a particularly interesting idea, he’ll get another
student to respond to it. then he’ll kinda thread it all together
and sum up what is being said.

he is absolutely the most respectful person i have ever watched.
and – he never once gives his take on any of it.
he just presents.
with great respect and awareness.

so gradually, i have found that i am getting so taken with that part
of the lecture, that i’m having trouble keeping my thoughts
on the content.

i have to laugh.
it makes me recall my school days.
this is not new to me.
i would get really distracted with the teachers and HOW they did
what they did. and i would miss a whole lotta what they were teaching.

i’m laughing and wondering why i didn’t realize that all this meant i shoulda totally been a psych major!

what’s really cool at this point is that i don’t need to pass the course,
i don’t need to do anything.
it’s entirely up to me what i choose to do here.

and right now, i feel like i’m learning how to be a better listener by watching this guy.
and that’s not what i started out doing.

i will hear people say the like to argue. they like to sit around a table
and argue with other people and their different points of view. this gets
presented as open minded and intellectual. and i have never quite believed
that. i think this morning, i understand why i feel that way. arguing isn’t
listening. arguing is trying to prove you’re right.

i would much rather sit around a table and ask questions and go deeper
with more questions and hear all kindsa thoughts that way.
and now, after watching this professor,
i want to do it with even just half the grace and respect that he does.

and that feels like such a thrill to finally figure that out.

vine_200x67

February 15, 2017

there’s lots to this love stuff…

i have made it a point for years now to celebrate
all kinds of love on valentine’s day.
i think that is so important and something that
would be great if we could all embrace.
including hallmark.
(and hallmark – just in case you’re listening, i think it
would boost sales so it’d be a good thing for you to
hop on board with!)

this morning tho, valentine’s day has me thinking even deeper.
i’m thinking more about the idea of BEING LOVE.

oh man.

that is so darn hard to be.

sure, when you’re feeling good and secure and loved and
healthy and strong, being love feels like the thing to be.
but get knocked down a bit, feel even just a little insecure,
have some doubts seep in about your own personal state
of loveableness……and being love isn’t so easy anymore.

here’s the thing with it  tho –
i think that’s when you gotta do it.
when you’re hurt or scared or shut down.

and yeah.
i think that’s a drag.
but i think that’s the deal.

isn’t that the point?

you haven’t mastered giving up sugar just because you haven’t
eaten sugar in a week because there’s no sugar in the house or in your life.
it’s when you’re sitting among the donuts and bon bons over and over
again and you still say ‘no thank you’  that you’ve got it down.
(i know this one)

the being love thing feels very similar to me.

and i can see that i lean towards my weaknesses when surrounded by
temptation – be it sugar, or the desire to shut down.

i guess it’s how much do you want to be healthy.
and that seems to apply to both sugar and being love.
i don’t think i ever thought about being love as being healthy before.
i just thought of it as something i wanted.
but maybe that’s what true health is.

how bad do you want it?

valentine’s day and love month seem like great times to be thinking about it all…

vine_200x67

February 14, 2017

the start of something…

my guys and i gathered last nite
to celebrate valentine’s day.
with all the schedules,
you gotta do things when you can!

we did something new for us…
and it turned out to be so good, i wanted to share it here
for any gatherings you may want to try this with.
(and if you can’t gather – i think this would easily work
over the phone or on skype!!)

when we’re close to people, it’s too easy to get lazy
and figure you know everything about each other.
too much assuming and not enough listening, ya know?

and since this holiday is all about love,
we wanted to kinda shake that up a bit.
so we each came up with one question we wanted to ask each other
to get to know each other better.

we let everyone know the questions ahead of time so that
we’d have time to think thru our answers, keeping in mind that the
point was to help everyone know us more.

and then we gathered and sat around and went around the circle
answering the questions.

it was WONDERFUL!
think you know everything about those you love?!
ohmygosh – think again!

this has got to be at the very least an annual event here now in my family.
it was really wonderful!

give it a whirl – i think you’ll love it!

happy valentine’s day!

vine_200x67

February 13, 2017

honoring good hearts everywhere…

at first if you asked me,
i would tell you there was a definite theme
to my weekend. i woulda said it was
‘guys – the jerks and the good guys.’

but then it occurred to me…
it just happened to be guy examples i watched.
but truly, it coulda been women just as easily.
so i would have to change my theme to –
‘people – the jerks and the awesome.’

and that seems important to remember.
cause sometimes i get caught up in watching a
particularly jerky guy and i get to wonderin’ what’s
wrong with men. and that’s not fair.
truly, sometimes you just gotta wonder what’s wrong
with people in general.

and then you gotta go focus on what’s right with them!
and you gotta turn your eyes from the jerks to the awesome.

which was easy for me to do this weekend.
because, even as my radar was being flooded with a
complete and total jerk, all around me were these
beacons of real men. the good kind. the kind we need
to keep close. the awesome.

it’s valentine’s week.
over and over i have tossed out the idea of stretching
the love out to honor every kinda love in our life.
i honestly believe that’s what we should be celebrating.
and after this weekend, i’m thinking we need to broaden that even more!

broaden it to honor beautiful hearts! to people – men and women,
girls and boys, who offer beautiful hearts to those around them.
who see other people and care about what they see, and who
try to give the best of themselves.

we don’t have to know them well.
it can be a one time encounter, and yet they’ve enriched us
with that one moment.

that’s no small gift.
and not everyone does it.
what a perfect time to honor those who do.

i don’t care how much money you’ve got, or what your job title is,
if you’ve got a heart that lights up other hearts,
you are more successful than even the richest astronaut around!

lifting my cup today to the awesome hearts i know!

everything