journal

musings and ponderings…

September 21, 2018

unconditional love…

i found the following quote
both beautiful and sad.

i read it and thought of my husband.
how we try so hard to do this. sometimes
it is so very difficult. and yet, it truly
is beautiful.

and i thought of my dad who believed in conditional love
which left no room to do this.
and yes, it felt sad.
but the cool thing there is it didn’t feel heartbreaking any more.
just sad.

to be working on this in my life is an honoring in some way.
working on it means i believe in it.
believing in it feels empowering.

it is, of course, from mark nepo –

‘Unconditional love is not so much about how
we receive and endure each other, as it is
about the deep vow to never, under any
condition, stop bringing the flawed truth of
who we are to each other.’

let’s take that into the weekend with those we love…

September 20, 2018

kinda weird but not really….

okay,
this is a strange example.
but it really grabbed me and
i think it makes a good point.

between weather, schedules, and a broken weed wacker,
it has been waaaaay too long since my yard got
weed wacked. and it certainly looked it.

finally grabbed some time last nite to get out there.

we have a ‘ditch’ in the front yard.
a county water drain thing.

bob’s been mowing it with the riding mower for a
few years now. i used to mow it with a push mower.
always a challenge for me, so it was a joy to
hand him that job.

he’s knee deep in another project,
so i decided i’d take care of the ditch while
i weed wacked.

it’s been a few years since i used the push mower.
it was totally totally outta my mind.
apparently when i handed that job to him, i totally
handed it to him.

so i started in on this overgrown area with great
determination. weed wackin’ like a champ.

truth is, it’s dumb to do it that way.
it should be mowed. that is so much faster and better.

BUT I HAD FORGOTTEN THAT WAS AN OPTION!

i am not kidding.
bob couldn’t mow it with the riding mower
(and i can’t as i’ll fall off for sure!)
so i must have to weed wack it.
that was the thought process.

it wasn’t long before i realized how big
a job it was to do it that way.

suddenly i realized i could mow it!
omg!
seriously?
i had been workin’ on it way longer than i care
to admit before i had that thought.

i immediately headed for the shed and the lawn mower.

sure enough, i finished off the ditch in what felt
like five seconds flat.

and as i wheeled that lawn mower back into the shed,
i marveled at how i didn’t think of that in the first place.

and guys, honestly? i think it really pointed out to me
how easy it is for me not to think!
how i get an idea and just go with it.
and i don’t think it thru.
i don’t use all the tools available to me.

i know…silly example.
and yet….it really made a point to me last nite.

i watch the guys think thru things all the time around here.
they think before they leap up to do something.
i tend to leap and not think.

mostly i’m okay with that.
i can see advantages in it.
but! last nite convinced me,
a little bit of thought would be a good thing!

smilin’.

and wanting to work on this in myself.

you know what would be a great question any time to ask yourself
when you’re trying to do anything? well, for me, anyway –
‘what tools do you have available to get the job done?

not just yard maintenance –
but life maintenance!

ha!

likein’ this here!

September 19, 2018

miles behind…miles ahead…

found some old journals recently.
i haven’t had much time with them,
but every day i take a quick peek.

they’re full of bone sighs.
full.

i just read one from 2005.
i had a note in there of what sparked the writing.
it brought back the hurt that i had been reeling in,
and how a small moment was the final push into
‘far enough.’
and i put down stuff that hurt so much.
the stuff i couldn’t fix.
and i let go of it.
and amazingly, i did so with kindness in my heart.

the kindness angle intrigues me.
it was definitely a kindness that would never be
seen or recognized to those i was offering it.
and yet, that’s okay, isn’t it?
if it’s real, that’s all that matters.

hard times.
they happen.
boy do they happen.
then we make our way thru them.

then others come along.
and we make our way thru those.

when i look back thru some of them,
i can see how kindness is learned.
and this morning i see clearly,
how struggling to find my way to that kindness,
over and over,
has formed so much of my heart.

‘formed’ is the right word –
formed, shaped, sculpted, carved, worn, washed,
and maybe polished – those are the right words
to describe the journey into finding kindness, i think.
sometimes it’s just a darn hard search to find it.
and it takes such muscle to offer it.
this morning i am quite taken with how important that is.

maybe because when you do that, maybe you are living the idea
that the journey really is bigger than yourself.

and maybe that can’t help but make you more.

September 18, 2018

black jelly beans

i found my old journals
where all the beginning
bone sighs are written.

i can’t wait to just sit with these.

right now, everything is a bit nuts,
so i just glanced quickly thru.

something i noticed and loved is
my handwriting has changed!

i just think it should as you grow, ya know?
i love that.

i got a kick outta this one entry from
easter time 2003 and wanted to share –

it’s called ‘black jelly beans’

‘i used to rely on the bunny to bring me things…
now if i want black jelly beans,
i go out and get black jelly beans!’

i smiled when i read that.

amazing that entry made such an impression on me today.
way back then i took a giant step into becoming independent
and i see that in this goofy jelly bean thought.

and now, i feel like i’m claiming being an adult for the
first time ever. go figure. it’s all kinda kooky.
but oh so lovely.

i think i may have to go find me some black jelly beans soon.

smilin’…….

September 17, 2018

mindfulness bell

it turned into one heck of a weekend.
wow.
so the ceiling i was gonna scrape off?
ohmygoodness.

well, it’s scraped down now,
but i can’t say i did much of it.
i had a ton of help from my men.

and the ceiling?
well, turns out it is a good thing we’re
workin’ on it – was real close to falling down!
yeah.
wow.
what a weekend.
packed full of work…
and a few melt downs over here.
(and the ‘we’ in ‘we’re’ working on it is
mostly not me.)

i’m laughing now over it all.
and am sure i will get a few blogs from it.

but today’s!
it’s the mindfulness bell –

all thru the craze….you could hear this nice bell going off
every 15 minutes from my computer in the other room.

and every single time i heard it,
i smiled and was brought back to what mattered.

i wanted to post today and suggest adding one to your
computer as well! i think there’s many to choose from.
i don’t eve know what one i have….google can help you
find what you want…

but seriously? it feels mandatory for me now.
i really really always want this.

so i wanted to share the idea!

ding!

September 14, 2018

taking a moment…

wanted to just stop and take a moment
and hold all those goin’ thru the
hurricane in my thoughts.

i was really glad to see it downgraded,
but have since seen that flooding looks
to be intense.

so the relief didn’t last long.
altho, my gosh, imagine if it wasn’t downgraded?!

(just saw the news on Mangkhut! adding…wow…all those
people in asia right in with this…wow!)

holding all in these paths close,
and standing in tremendous awe of the forces of nature.

oh speaking of which –
if you haven’t seen these links before,
you might want to check them out –

GOES-East CONUS View – GeoColor
GOES-16 Loop of the Day

September 13, 2018

working on adulting, appreciating, scraping and living…

so if you didn’t see yesterday’s blog,
you may want to as this one builds offa
that one.

a few things ran together today to create
an interesting morning.

it was a friend”s birthday yesterday.
thing is, she’s not here any more.
she’s been gone a few years.
same age as me.
we were friends since we were kids.
she left a high school senior son behind.
and a whole lotta living left to do.

she was on my mind as i walked this morning.
i kept thinking about how i get to be here
and she doesn’t and how none of it makes sense,
and how if i’m the one here, i don’t want to
take that lightly. i want to really live it.

then later, it just so happens i downloaded
a mindfulness app for my computer.
you set the time increments and whatever it is –
mine is every 15 minutes –
a beautiful bell sounds.
you can use it to remember anything you want.

i didn’t get it to remember my friend today
or to remind me to live fully,
but wouldn’t you know,
that’s what it’s been doin’.

then, because i have lived in this house for
26 years, and for 26 years the living room
ceiling has needed to be scraped down and redone,
and no one else seems to be doing it,
and honestly, it’s 26 years too long,
i finally bit the bullet and began.

just did a little bit to see if i could get
the hang of it and if i could do it without
killing myself (yes to both) –
and there i was in the heat (no ac, and no fan
as it’s messy enough without a fan!)
sweaty, up on a ladder in the dust,
thinking of my friend and thinking i get to
sweat and scrap and redo my ceiling and make it pretty.
i get to be here to see the room when i finally finish it.
(well, hopefully)

then i did a gouge with the putty knife and immediately
thought ‘bob’s gonna kill me.’
which is not true at all.
he’s not like that.
but i’ll put it on him in a heartbeat.
i’m not sure why – other then i forget that i’m an adult.
i’ll make myself the kid in trouble.

only not this time.
i remembered i am the adult in the room.

hmmmm…thinking this not knowing i’m an adult affects
more than just me. it affects the people around me as well.
definitely even more reason to work on it.

so there, up on that later i heard the bell on my computer.
and i smiled.
thought of my friend.
and realized trying to grow and get things right is the best
way ever i can honor her.

think this scraping may end up being pretty good therapy.

September 12, 2018

the adult in the room…

who knows all the reasons that exist
for this feeling of mine –
maybe it’s the large inner child presence
that is inside of me,
maybe it’s a lack of confidence in certain areas,
maybe it’s just cause i never thought about it,
maybe it’s all that and more wrapped together –

but for whatever reason,
i don’t usually feel like the adult in the room.

i’m sure there were times i did.
but a lot of those times that i can think of,
i always felt like there was a back up adult.

so like maybe i was a co-adult.
or a team member.

both good things.
but both a little bit different.

this dawned on me yesterday.
i read something that reminded me that i was an adult.
and something clicked.

yeah.
yeah.
i am!

and i can stand up for myself,
and figure out what it is i need for myself,
and make decisions,
and handle life.

now, OF COURSE, i have been doin’ all this for years,
but i’m wondering about the feeling behind it all.
i don’t think the ‘adult’ feeling was there –
i’m thinking it was probably what needed to be done,
so i did it.

it feels to me there’s something different about
recognizing that i am an adult and i will handle my
days/life as such.

how weird is that?!

i don’t know if this is gonna be my own personal revelation
that no one else can relate to. feels weird enough that it
might be! but there was an honest to goodness ‘click’ that
happened inside me yesterday that i think may very well
make a difference in my life.

i don’t have to be the only adult in the room,
by any means!
but i do have to be one of them.
it’s not even that i ‘want’ to be,
it’s more than that.
it’s that i ‘have’ to be to be healthy.

go figure.

feeling a little odd offering this,
but offering it anyway!

cause um…i’m an adult and i choose to!

ha!

September 10, 2018

it’s the laughter i’m holding…

this weekend was one big stew pot of life.

lots of hard mixed in with lots of good.

each day tho –
friday, saturday and sunday –
there was delicious laughter.
the laugh so hard you cry kinda laughter.

i’ve come to the conclusion that i NEED that.

i love to play.
i love to laugh.
without it, i’m just not the same.

i decided this morning to pay more attention to it.
to open space for it,
and to be sure to include that in my to do lists.
to seek to surround myself with people who know
good hearted laughter and can easily dive in with me
and laugh from their gut.

yeah.
it’s a serious world.
and there’s some deep pain.
which makes it all the more necessary,
i think,
to seek out the laughter.

it’s kinda like drinking water –
so necessary for life,
and so easy to overlook.

have you had your dose today?