journal

musings and ponderings…

May 22, 2018

timing….

i’ve been low with a sore back for a week.
this morning, i finally felt some really good
improvement and felt hopeful i was gonna be
almost normal really soon.

mornings are the hardest and this morning i was fairly gliding around.
ha! i am on my way, i thought.
and as i walked out my back door to go visit my gardens,
i looked up at the sky and told the universe i was definitely paying attention.

yeah, i’m sure i have physical reasons for a touchy back.
but i feel like, even more, it’s emotions that flare it up.
so i’ve been walkin’ thru those, and sorting and untangling
and doin’ the work that i feel my body was looking for.

a door in my life closed recently.
i’m not sure that’s ever an easy thing.
well, okay, i can think of one time it was.
but other than that,
it’s always been hard.
even if it’s good in the end.
even if it opens up our worlds.

the closing of a door can be our slamming it closed,
or it just thudding closed,
or us just standing there and having it close right in our face.
there’s a lotta ways those doors close.

this door that closed had a whole lotta strings wrapped to the door knob.
and when it closed, those strings pulled and a lotta issues inside me
got pulled up to the surface. how amazing is that?
almost like the pull was so strong and they were so deep and they got
yanked so fast to the surface, my back got pulled outta wack.

i’ve spent a week with it all and truly feel much better about all of it.
the strings, the door, my life.

i had stopped by facebook to say good morning this morning
and then closed it up and was heading to work when i realized
i forgot to wish some friends a happy birthday.
so i went back over just to do that.
that’s kinda cool as it brought me back…
like i needed to go back and didn’t know it.
and there…
first thing i see is this meme that i posted a year ago.
facebook shared it with me as a memory.
wow.
i smiled.
and shared it all over again.
because….sometimes we get space in our worlds that we need, and yet,
it may take us awhile to understand that it’s a good thing.
really wanted to share it here and honor this thought.

May 21, 2018

the friendliest guy i know…

so the mood in my house is a bit on the mellow side these days as both my guy and i are healing back issues. it’s quieter, slower, and the perfect set up for josh’s incredible energy to pop out and be a brilliant flash of light.

before he even got here and wooshed in my front door talking with gusto, he had grabbed my attention on the phone. telling me about the concert he had seen the nite before and his attempt to get the conductor’s autograph.

as he told me the story, i just listened with delight.
and i realized –
EVERYONE is josh’s friend.

well……..no.
that’s not true.

he’s no dummy.
and spends a lotta time on the streets playing music and just talking to people.

he’s developed an eye for those who need a little space or handling. all of which i’m very grateful to hear about.

but MOSTLY this guy is friends with anyone and everyone.
he learns people’s names and REMEMBERS them!
i have heard tell of him remembering names any of the rest of us would have forgotten, and then way later when he bumps into people he’s only met once before, he uses their name. i’m sure that’s not always the case as he meets so many people. but i’ve heard it enough to be really impressed. beautifully, this has happened with kids and they’ve lit up feeling that they were worth remembering. i find that incredible.

at a party he had once, i met the security guard at the grocery store who josh had become friends with. there he was with his kids and they were all celebrating with josh. with them was another friend from the same grocery store. the nicest guy who helped me walk out the elderly realtor who had wandered into our lives years ago and was also there celebrating.

there’s the guy from craig’s list who came to pick up a shed and ended up staying for tea. josh now has a ‘burn barrel’ from this guy and i’m thinking their connection isn’t over.

it’s hard to go anywhere with josh and not bump into someone he knows. this doesn’t mean just in town where we live – this has happened out of state multiple times! i am not kidding.

once, we driving home from outta state and had just pulled into maryland. there was a dog lost on the highway. we stopped, josh got the dog and went to the closest house along the highway. the door opened – and yep! josh and the guy knew each other!

as he was telling me about what the musician who was standing near the parking lot after his concert taught him about latin music, (all the while using his name with me), he finished up saying he texted this guy some info about busking in the town nearby.

he texted him?
that totally caught my attention.
yeah. he was giving the guy some info to help him out.

i hung up with him thinking ‘josh is the friendliest guy i know.’
and it wasn’t just a thought. i felt inspired.

i remember traveling once with an artist buddy for the day. we had multiple stops to make, i was driving. first place we parked, i got out of the car and chatted with the guy nearby in the parking lot. as we went along that day, everyone chatted and said hello and was pleasant. my buddy turned to me in the middle of the day and said ‘is it always like this with you?’ i had no idea what she was talking about. she was amazed at how pleasant everyone was that we met along the way. i was amazed that she was amazed. really? ‘well, yeah. everyone’s nice.’ i answered. it never occurred to me that they weren’t.

i know how to travel in pleasant.
that’s a level of traveling i find easy.
but to travel as the world is your friend?
that’s new to me.

and yeah, josh is a guy and you might think that makes it easier.
guys can do that.
gals can’t.
i don’t think that’s really accurate.
he’s well aware of the fact that he can scare women. and he works real hard not to do that. he stays away from those he knows he should. he has safety issues as well.
there’s challenges for anyone – male or female – going out into a world and seeing it as friendly.

he completely inspired me this weekend.
perhaps because i’m slower and more mellow and thinking about how it is i want to live. maybe that made me totally open to learning this weekend. one way or another, the light that is josh shines so bright. and just as with all the real lights i see, i wonder if he has any idea just how bright he makes the world.

i’ve been thinking about what matters in living. how i want to have been when i look back and it’s all over. what is really important?
josh walked in my house yesterday a beautiful example of everything i had been pondering.

and once again, my sons are my greatest teachers.

May 17, 2018

honoring it

i honestly don’t know how to do this.
but i just hung up with a mentor friend
who suggested i try.

i don’t want to paint a picture that is false.
and i realize anyone can create what they want to from this.
they can color it as false as they want.
but i’d like to articulate what it is i really mean.
even if that’s a possibility.
i want to honor my life.
so i will try.

i can write about the ‘problems’ and ‘struggles’
i have in my life. cause i got ’em. no one is on
this planet without them. i have the sad and the
scary and the frustrating and the sorrow and all
that stuff.

so don’t lose that. because that matters.
because i have that – AND i have so much goodness
and love and kindness in my life that it is overwhelming.

here’s the thing – we can have BOTH!

i mean, really! how amazing is that?!

recently, while having coffee with my girlfriends,
who have heard all the frustrations and hurts that i’ve
had along the way with that guy of mine –
they heard me say this –

‘i have what everyone wants! i have a partner that loves
me deeply and encourages me to be who i am and supports me
in living healthy and it’s time i embraced that fully.’

i said that!
with strength and with gratitude and with awe.

i have that.
it didn’t come easy.
it’s not gonna stay easy.
it’s never gonna be an easy thing.
but it’s here!
and that’s not something i feel like i should shout about.
because…well, a lot of people don’t have it and i don’t want
to be making anyone feel bad that they don’t.

thing is – i really do believe it’s time i totally embraced it.

and there’s more.
yeah.
i have so much love in my life that it’s incredible.
again, i have what people long for.

my mentor friend and i were talking about this on the phone and
she said i should talk about it. that people need to hear it’s out
there and it’s possible.

i could not have felt more loved, valued and appreciated yesterday,
on my birthday. i mean that. i could not have felt any more loved.

that’s the biggest gift of all, isn’t it?

to feel so completely seen – and in that being seen,
to feel so completely loved and treasured.

i don’t think it’s a gift that you just have.
i think it’s a gift you work at to get,
and to keep in your life.
i think it includes hardship and sorrow.
and i think it is so blindingly brilliantly bright,
that it HAS to knock you to your knees now and then.

and! and! i don’t think you can feel this across the board in life.
there will be lots of people that won’t make us feel this way.
not everyone in our lives! not by a long shot!
but from the ones that matter.
yes, from the ones who can really see.

it’s not something *i* deserve….
it’s something we ALL deserve.

we all deserve a life filled with love.
i believe it’s there for all of us.
i really do.

and i believe i’ve got it.
and i am so filled with gratitude,
that i am on my knees today,
honoring it with all i have.

May 16, 2018

a birthday thought…

so my dad started this tradition
a long time ago,
and i love that my family carries it on…

on a person’s birthday, you ask that person
for birthday ‘wisdom.’
and luckily, we count thoughts or anything
that has caught our interest lately under that
same window as wisdom so you can really offer
anything. which relieves the pressure of having
to be wise!

i love hearing what is mattering to that person
on their day. and well, today is my turn! and i’m
hopping right in with something i’ve been thinking –

(i know. i know. this blog is filled with what i’m
thinking. i know. i know. just humor me that i’m
doing this cause it’s my bday!)

this past year, i have really valued the idea of
not taking ourselves too seriously.

it’s somethinge i’ve heard forever and usually nod at,
but not something i’ve really worked on with any
real intention.

so somewhere along the line last year,
it landed in my brain,
and it’s been floating around in there ever since.

lately i’ve been thinking about what you get if you do this.
and what you don’t get.

and i can see why it’s absolutely brilliant.

if you don’t take yourself too seriously, you don’t get
righteous, you don’t feel you have all the answers,
you don’t need to prove yourself, you don’t get mean.
you don’t get arrogant, you don’t get petty.

you DO get space to make mistakes and to laugh about them,
you get room to just sit back and be and watch and wonder.
you get a chance to see how much there is to learn and a
chance to grow into the learning. somehow there is a space
that is opened to play and to joy.

i’m thinking that not taking yourself too seriously is the
same as shoving all the muck outta the way and sitting down
into a circle of possibilities. and many many times, those
possibilities are joyful ones.

wow, huh?
wow.
so this is my thought.
does it mean i do it? nah.
does it mean i want to hold the intention for it?
oh yeah!
and i’m thinking that’s kinda a cool thing to carry into
a brand new year.

it certainly can help prepare a way for (if i’m lucky) turning
into a wacky old woman that no one is really quite sure about.

just the thought of that brings this birthday girl one big smile.

here’s to the challenge of living and learning and growing!
i’m so grateful to be here puzzlin’ with it all.
thanking the universe for this day and this journey!

May 14, 2018

meme week

okay, so i know i post memes all the time anyway.
i make them for social media,
and post a fair amount of ’em here.
well, this week i’m gonna do so every day.

why?
cause it’s my birthday week!
my birthday is wednesday and i’m celebrating!

cause here’s the thing –
this year, more so than i ever remember before,
i’m aware of the fact that i really don’t have to be here.
and! i’m aware of all (well, a lot of) the gifts my life is filled with.
i don’t want to complain or worry or fret this week.
(i’d like to say ‘ever again’ but…well…)

i want to honor this gift and really just appreciate the abundance of it all.

not too long ago, i posted about abundance.
and how i finally figured out that abundance doesn’t mean
just the good stuff.
it means ALL of life. all of life is abundant – even the hard stuff.

and it all wraps up into this huge big wonderful ball of our lives.
and it’s ours to hold, to live and to rejoice in.

it really doesn’t get any cooler than that, does it?!

celebrate with me this week!
let’s all hop in with the gratitude of being here.
it’s a lot to celebrate.

May 11, 2018

more self compassion…

as if every conversation i have these days is trying to get me to pay attention to the topic –

self compassion seems to be in need everywhere!

here’s a meme i made last nite. wanted to post it here and just remind us all that practicing this over the weekend could be transforming…

May 10, 2018

self compassion

after checking in with folks over
on the bone sigh arts face book page,
i am reminded how difficult this weekend
coming up will be for so many people.

mother’s day.

who knew it could be so loaded?
so many people are struggling with the holiday.
for many different reasons.
a lot of loss and grieving showed up mixed in
with all the other stuff you think of.

i shared a link to our ‘self love’ section
on the website. thought it’d be a good time for
people to go sit and just read some of those quotes
and be reminded to be gentle with themselves.
you can find it here if you’re interested.

something that i want to explore more of this year is ‘self compassion.’
i have found that the few times i have thought to offer it to myself
were just completely transforming!

i just came across some writing on it where the author too
stumbled into it and found the same. i haven’t read enough yet
to share, but am so tickled someone else is saying ‘hey this stuff
is POWERFUL.’

it kinda egged me on to read more (which is on my list!) and to
play with it more and offer it more.

if we could just sit with ourselves and understand why we’re in pain,
offer that understanding and be kind to ourselves….well, it’d be
a very good thing.

thought i’d start a few days ahead of time talking about it
so that maybe we could get ourselves thinking of ways we can do
this for ourselves. and maybe thinking of ways we could just pamper
ourselves just a little bit extra.

good weekend or bad coming up, it seems like we all could benefit
from this, so thought i’d toss it out here!

May 9, 2018

who will you become?

i took my walk this morning
and stopped to say hi to the sweet
young girl who waits for the bus on the corner.

she’s graduating high school this year.
and is done next week.

i’m going to miss seeing her.

as i walked away from chatting with her,
i thought, ohmygosh, that was me 40 years ago!
then i corrected myself –
wait a minute – THIRTY NINE years ago!
cause you know, every year counts now.

i could not believe that number.
seriously?
knocking a year off didn’t really help much with
the slam of reality and the racing of time that knocked
straight into my stomach.

i started thinking of that high school girl i used to be.
would she have guessed any of the things she turned into?

some parts of me, yeah, they’re pretty similar actually.
and some……oh noooo i wouldn’t have imagined at all.

and then i thought about when life is all over.
when you’re getting ready to leave,
when your turn is done – who will you be?

and i fell in love with the question.
and want to hold it and use it for a compass –

would you have imagined who you have become?