i have heard myself say the same thing over and over to people i’m talking with.
every single time it comes up because whoever i am talking to is having a hard time.
and it’s simply this – it honestly feels like there’s a heaviness in the air right now.
like the air is weighted. and it is sitting on us. and i think it is important to keep that in mind.
there are a ton of strings to this whole pandemic thang. and i think because there are so many, it’s hard to keep in mind how much they can weigh us down.
or we might focus on one or two threads, and forget the other 20,000 and wonder why the heck we can’t get a better grip on our moods.
i think things like the fact that you can’t go anywhere without hearing the same recording over and over and over about it being a hard and scary time and keep your distance, is one of the strings we don’t even think about.
‘little’ things like that mess with our heads. over and over and over again.
the missing of smiles on faces. the fear that is at every turn.
all of this stuff is gonna take a toll.
so, the point is – there’s a heaviness all around us. and now, more than ever, is a good time to be gentle with ourselves and absolutely show ourselves self compassion and self care.
just thought a reminder here and there might be useful.
i never really thought that i was particularly disciplined. i would just do stuff i had to do.
grinnin’….
then i figured out, yeah, if it’s important to me, i can be pretty disciplined. sometimes i need treats to help me toe the line, but somehow, if i really care, i will do what has to be done.
it’s the whole ‘if i care’ thang – i have to be mindful enough to realize i care. that in itself can be a little odd. sometimes i’m way slow about being mindful.
and then laziness does set in too.
so yeah, i’m not completely disciplined. but enough so that i feel good about it. and having been forced to make changes that i really could have avoided, i do see now that discipline is the easier way. and i would like to pay attention to it.
i think i’m just claiming it as a way of life now.
and claiming it feels good.
i think i have been discipline shamed in the past! no kidding! by, yeah…….people who don’t seem to have a whole lot of it in their own lives. which is beautifully eye opening to me. i do not care at all if someone else has it or not. i really don’t. so why is it that someone who doesn’t have it cares if i do or not? yeah…..eye opening. and so good for me to see. i have no need to hold their shame any more.
or the whole ‘life is to be enjoyed’ comment flung with the insinuation that you can’t be disciplined and any fun. excuse me….have you not noticed? i really really enjoy life.
not my stuff.
so this whole thinking about discipline kinda sloshed over into realizing that discipline is one of the things that has brought me to a place where i’m happy with myself and my life, where i can stand in that, and where i don’t need, want, nor feel obligated to hold anyone else’s ‘stuff’ when it comes to my living.
how darn cool is that?!
stepping more and more into myself here. and loving it.
the bone sigh arts quote of the day was taken from the print above.
i stopped and read it and smiled. i just want to share this one around today. it seems like a good thing to aim for. and right now it is just such a weird time, that i thought it was almost… i don’t know… maybe ‘important’ to share.
the quote reads –
“i want to really really live. i want to laugh til my stomach tightens so much that it aches and my legs hurt from my slapping them. i want to cry from my gut and let the tears wash me to where i need to go. i want to hear the singing of my heart. and let the sounds echo inside me and i want to dance to that music. i want to fill with compassion and touch someone’s face so gently that they can feel the caring in my fingertips. i want to love so deeply that my cells vibrate with it and just standing near me you can feel the buzz of the vibrations. i want to know that i’m worthy and good and i want to leave self doubt on the highway. i want to touch the sky and recognize my soul in it. i want to walk in the rain and drop to my knees in gratitude for this gift of life i have been given. may i never ever forget what a gift it truly is. ”
smilin’ here. and reminding you that if you don’t get the quote emailed to your in box, and you would like to hop on the quote of the day train, you can sign up right here.
it was just one of those moments. it just happened.
i was exercising. had the music on. and just happened to be in front of a photo that my son made for me. it’s of me as an adult with me as a kid – together.
and i happened to be staring at it when the lyrics to the song that was on caught my attention.
it was about being a hero – being someone who took care of things, being someone who never ran away.
and that’s when it hit me.
i want to be the hero for myself.
i have been close to this thought many other times with slightly different angles.
when i very first started out on my journey on my own, i told myself over and over that everything i needed was inside myself.
that’s very similar, yes?
i have told myself it’s up to me to take care of myself.
i’m pretty sure i’ve told myself stuff that rubbed shoulders with the hero thought a lot.
thing is – the hero thought is a wee bit of a different angle. and it made a huge impact the moment it landed.
the wording of the lyrics had something to do with it as well. i believe they mentioned not hiding.
and ‘hiding’ is one of my go to protections i do for myself.
hiding has its place. but i overuse it to my own detriment.
and probably what made this really hit me in the face was that i had been thinking for days that i wanted my 59th year to be about standing tall in who i was.
i wanted to stop hiding.
so, between everything, i got hit by this bolt of lightning that morning as i exercised.
and i thought about heroes. how we think of other people being them, or sometimes we want to be one for someone else.
but being one for myself – being my own for me –
well, that’s new. and i am in love with that thought!
our quote of the day today is the quote above – ‘undercurrents.’
can you read it there? it says –
‘scratch the surface of her joy and you will find a well of sorrow. dive into the well and discover her spring of hope. follow that spring to the river of her strength, compassion and faith… and you will have touched her soul.’
it’s our quote of the day today because tomorrow is my birthday, and this is the only bone sigh i ever wrote as a description of who i am.
i wrote it way way way back in the early days. and it wasn’t until posting it in this blog that i realized how incredible the title is!
how have i never seen that before?!
i lived a life of ‘undercurrents.’ there was a lot of not seeing me and non honest communication – undercurrents. undercurrents of who i SHOULD be and what i SHOULD do – undercurrents telling me that i didn’t matter – that it was the role that i played that mattered.
i wanted a life where i could claim who i really was and one where i was honestly seen and accepted.
if that was just by me, i was okay with that. that would be enough. at least I would do that for myself. and i exploded my life to make that happen.
you don’t just switch lives. it takes a long time, a lotta strength, and a whole lotta humility and willingness to change and grow. i’ve been workin’ hard on all of that. i have blown it many times. and i have taken many steps forward. it’s a lifetime of work ahead of me.
when i read this quote this morning, i remembered sharing it with someone i thought was helping me become more and change my life. as i said – you don’t just switch – and who you allow in is a learning curve. this person, who is no longer in my life, was sure that i wrote this about her. and she was thrilled with it. i remember feeling stunned and not wanting to hurt her feelings and just kinda going with it.
yes, i have come a long way, and no, i would not handle it the same now. but how interesting, huh? i had finally written something about myself – and then immediately gave it away. or…PRETENDED to give it away.
that is such a snapshot of where i came from. today, as i reflect upon it all, i cannot get over the journey i have been on.
i still give myself away more than i want to. but! i have become so much stronger and more aware. and i have filled my life with people who see me. i have been thinking hard lately about ‘claiming me’ more and more. no hiding – claiming. and letting life deal with that.
hiding is still a key protection for me. and yeah, i spose there’s times to use that – but not often.
as my hero, jordan peterson, would say – ‘tell the truth – or just don’t lie.’
that little piece of advice leads me right into not hiding.
tomorrow i turn 59. i cannot be more grateful for the journey of my life. for the gift of traveling and for the love that i have that encourages me to be more.
while i feel like a completely different person than i was when i wrote this – i read it, and feel very much the same. i guess that’s the mystery of the journey, huh? i am the same as i always was, and totally different. and i hope, with every part of me, i can keep saying that every year as i grow older. because it’s more than just GETTING older – it’s GROWING older.
