journal

musings and ponderings…

June 23, 2017

a new place to touch the sky!

i was gonna say it was a long
and boring story of how i could
possibly be so close to a boat for
years and never go out on it.

but that’s actually not true –
it’s a great story of being completely unaware.
and i think i’m gonna have to write about that soon.
because i wonder how often i am this blind
and missing stuff. and how often i let assumptions
keep me from great things!

but for now –
the bottom line of all that is –
because he was gonna sell it, i finally went out
on my partner’s boat. i fell in love with it so much,
i talked him outta selling it.

i have now been out a handful of times and have fully
declared that i’m a boat person!

who the heck knew?

here’s the thing –

it’s a wonderful vehicle to take you to the sky!

IT TAKES ME TO THE SKY!!

there’s sooooooo much sky out there on that river!!
and i can sit in this little seat in the front and zoom
over water and be aimed right into the sky!!

the wind is blowin’ away every care and every single
thing you wanna get rid of. you can just release it all
and be surrounded by VASTNESS.

who said boats were about water??

oh.my.gosh.

i got to go out again last nite.
i took some stuff that had been haunting me.
some voices that i could still hear –
and i let the wind blow them way way way far away.

and here’s some awesome cool symbolism –
while i was doing this, my sons and my fiance were
taking turns driving the boat.
i loved that.

thinking there may be a few boating blogs now.
figure i’d give you fair warning.
because – i am now officially a boat person!!

June 22, 2017

reaching out…

wanted to make an offering to anyone who was
really struggling with the affects of abuse –
i made these three memes today and am posting them
around…figured i would put them here too.

it is with the deepest respect for your journey,
that i offer these.

June 21, 2017

here’s an exercise for ya!

yesterday i grabbed some quiet time
and sat and worked on writing my
wedding vows.

i’ve already written ‘a vow to my partner’ –
and if you haven’t seen it, you might like it.
you can find it here.

i wrote that years ago,
as i have been with this guy of mine for a very long time.
and while i want to offer all that,
i just wanted to see what it is that i would write now.
years later.
where am i with everything?

so i sat and started writing.

what an exercise, you guys!
i highly recommend it for everyone!
doesn’t matter if you’re married or not.
you don’t even have to be in a relationship!

cause what it does is it kinda grabs you and makes you think –
what is it i want?
what is it i offer?
what the heck is love anyway?
what am i willing to promise someone?
what is it i want back?
why?????

those are some pretty cool questions.

and i think as you really travel deeply into it,
you’ll find it’s much more about you than the other person.

which is why i think it’s a great exercise for anyone.

i wonder if when you’re done, and you sit back and read it,
and if you don’t have anyone to vow this to,
if you can imagine offering those vows to yourself or ‘life’ – ya know?
i’m thinking you could.

i told my guy about it today.
and said how cool it is because it really makes you think.
it occurs to me that this would be a good thing to do every year
on our anniversary. i think i may just do that.

for now, i’m still writing.
still thinking.

and loving what’s coming up in me.

June 20, 2017

my heart struggles

i understand that to be true to ourselves,
we can’t always give someone what they
want from us.
i know that in my head,
and will act upon that knowing.

but sometimes my heart really struggles with it.

i think i can mostly easily see what is wanted.
and i think that ease of seeing comes from
a dysfunctional history in which i was required to see.

i almost think that in itself is enough for me to know
that i can’t give everyone what they want –
that it’s totally not healthy.

and yet i struggle.

there was a young woman who came into my life with a roar
and left with even more force.

she’s left a mark on me that i don’t think will go away.

and as i sit and think about it all and wonder how it is
i have never figured out a way to honor her in a way that
felt right, i realize that my heart struggles because
i couldn’t give her what she wanted from me. and i’m tangled
in confusion.

and i question my ability to love.
i honestly do.

as i sit here and think about it all and type,
i realize that we don’t ‘just know’ how to love.
and i think back to a note i sent just yesterday saying i’m learning
more and more how to love. and i meant it.
i can see my growth.
it’s a process. a forever process.
and we won’t always get it right.

i think my words and actions to this young woman
were in line with the way that i want to live,
but my heart couldn’t quite line up.
i had some fear that was getting in the way.
and i felt that.

and i have faulted myself for that.

as i type this out, i am wondering…
maybe i could never figure out how to honor her in a way
that felt right because i have been dishonoring me.
dishonoring myself as in not seeing and understanding where i was.
not giving myself the room to do that.

maybe how i honor her is offering compassion and understanding
to myself.
huh.

i have never thought of that before.

maybe it’s seeing i tried hard, didn’t get to where i wanted to,
but gave it all i had at the time. learned a lot, and feel i have
more to give now. and maybe that’s all i can possibly do.

no.
there’s more.
offer myself compassion, yes.
but also – take what i have learned and live it.
understand how fear gets in the way of love.
see how it did that.
and work as hard as i can to hurdle the fears that will continue to come.

yeah.
that’s gotta be part of it.

my partner pointed out to me that what i offered her
may not have been what she was looking for, but it was an
opportunity for her growth as well. and that mattered.

maybe that fits really right too.

maybe i can’t always offer everyone else what they want.
maybe that’s not healthy.
but maybe i can work on offering me what i need, including self compassion.
and then, whatever i offer from there has got to be right.
and when it’s healthy like that, it opens doors for all of us to grow.

maybe that’s honoring everyone.

and once again i am awed in how we truly all are connected.

thinking of her today.
with love.

June 19, 2017

learn it!

i’m surrounded by one heck of a crew.
if someone wants to do something
that they don’t know how to do –
they learn it.

they don’t think twice about being unable.
they just know that it’s something to learn,
and then they’re set.
they got it.

that was just a natural thing that came out of home schooling.
that’s how you had to learn everything.
we had to kinda teach ourselves everything.
so it became a way of life for my sons.
my partner lives that way as well.

funny, i’m the one who taught my sons to do that,
and i’m the one who’s always stragglin’ behind on that.

but i sure see the beauty and power in living that way.

and on father’s day,
i heard myself tell a memory of my dad who taught me how to figure
something out myself so i didn’t have to keep asking.
i commented on how it delighted me and empowered me and made
it so i could stop asking.

that really matters.

the last few days i’ve watched people bump into things they┬áneeded to learn.
many examples around me and in me.
from everything from inner personal development, to technical stuff.

this morning i’m struck with the ones who will learn
and the ones who say they can’t.

i say i can’t way too often.
i wanna change that.
there’s a whole lot to learn.
and i can.
i want to step into that more.

it truly is up to us what we make of our lives .
let’s learn more!

a nice thought to take into the week…

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June 15, 2017

connections

i don’t know them very well yet.
have hung out a few times as couples,
have laughed a lot,
shared a few stories and concerns,
and have a feeling i’ll know them for a long time –

but i honestly don’t know them very well.

which is important to the story.

because this blog is about the connections that
happen anyway – in spite of that.

his mom is in the process of passing from this life.
as i type this,
i believe they’re sitting with her.
waiting.

and i have been thinking about them a ton.

driving down the road today,
they were on my mind once again.

i noticed it.
noticed how much i cared.
how i had been picturing it all –
even tho i have no idea of the actual reality –
i’ve been picturin’ it anyway.

and how in a blink of an eye, i can go to the feelings
that happen in these situations.
i can be flooded with them,
and feel love for every one involved.

and i gotta say,
there’s a very practical part of me that says –
‘how weird is that?! you barely know these people.’
and yet i care enough to be carrying them close right now.

so i drove.
and thought of connections.
and how deep down we’re so the same,
and how that is truly one of the most amazingly
beautiful things about being human.
and because of that, we can carry each other close.

so there i am.
driving.
windows open.
air whippin’ my hair everywhere.
my mind on connections, dying, and being human.
when i come right up on a funeral procession.

no kidding.

bam.

right there.

they’re stayin’ outta the way of the main traffic,
so you can easily, respectfully pass them.
which everyone does.
me included.
as i drive by the cars, i try to send some peaceful
energy their way.
and i think that it’s really possible if you stopped all
these cars and talked to everyone, there would be
some kinda thread that would tie one of them back
to me somehow. pretty sure there would be.
too many people, too near my town.
and i smile and think ‘surely, one of them knows josh!’

and then i pull up to the hearse.

we stop at a light.

wow.
‘that could be me in there,’ i think.

and i realize how lucky i am to be sitting there on that road.
i look at the mulch in the back of a truck ahead of me.
i REALLY look at it.
i think of what it’d be like to have that the last thing i see.
so i look again.

my mind goes back to where it started –
with my newly made friends waiting for his mom to pass.
what’s the last thing she will see?
and once again i can feel such love.
such caring.

this is one heck of a journey.
one heck of a gift.

and the connections everywhere astound me.

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June 14, 2017

be the wind chime!

i have been absolutely delighted
in the response to my request for
people to make/purchase a wind chime
for themselves in honor of bob and i
getting married. to do that instead of
gifting us something – and to think of us
when it chimes.

what a tickle to have so many people
say they love the idea and they’re in and
they’ll do this. truly warms my heart.

last week i had a friend write me and
tell me how much she liked the whole thing
and she meant to type that if she didn’t make
one, she would BUY one.

but instead of the word ‘buy’ – there was a typo
or auto correct or whatever and what i read was
that she would BE the wind chime!

i gasped when i read it and was totally taken
with that concept!

what does it even mean?!

be the wind chime!

so i’ve been thinking of that.
and what i get is the whole being in the flow,
and singing with the breeze –
and the crazy fierce winds –
any movement –
some is considered peaceful, some not –
but still you sing.
you’re alive and beautiful in the movement.

stuff like that.

isn’t it a cool thought?!
play with it.
maybe you’ll think you wanna be a wind chime too!

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June 13, 2017

we gotta stop…

i watched something last nite
that was truly unsettling.
not even going to go into what it was –
as that’s not the point.

but there was a quote in it,
from a woman who had been abused.
she was saying how her life had been affected
from the abuse she had gone thru,
and she said –

‘i live small.’

that really really hit me between the eyes –
when she said that and the tears immediately rolled
down my face.

when i finished watching,
i noticed my reactions and thoughts.

a strong stream of these thoughts ran towards people in my past.
and how i wanted them to wake up and see.
to take responsibility for their actions.

i noticed that.
and shook my head.
‘you gotta stop, terri.
that’s not gonna happen.
and look – even after a ton of healing, you still go there.
that’s okay. cause that’s where you went. without even thinking
about it. so that’s okay. but when you think about it –
let it go. if these people were people who could wake up and see,
you wouldn’t have the problem in the first place.
you gotta stop looking back.’

and i nodded to myself.
i know it to be true.

i thought of the strings that are so tangled in everything.
and i thought of that woman saying she lived small.

we gotta stop.
we gotta stop letting the past have so much power.

i know.
i know.
easy to say.
and it sure can sound flip and like i’m not taking abuse seriously.
i’m in no way casual or flip about this.
and i take it very very seriously.
please understand that.

it’s just that i see the people who took our power win when we let
them keep it.

they win.

and i don’t wan them to win.
i don’t want that to happen anymore.

i want to change ‘i live small’ –
to ‘i live all of me.’
ya know?

i live all of me.
all.
cause i took back what you thought you could have.
and it won’t be taken again.

that’s what i want for every single one of us.

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June 12, 2017

caves!

this weekend, i had the great fortune
to be able to go away for a little bit
with that guy of mine.

one of our stops was to tour a cave!

i think the last cave tour i took was when my kids were small.
i have been wanting to get back to one for years now.

so i was so excited to be going!
and i knew i’d love it.
i knew it would be moving.
yet, i really didn’t know HOW much so.

i have used caves in some of my visuals for my inner work at times.
in deciding to go, i was already imagining the cave i’d be entering
would be something similar to what was inside of me. i would be
entering something like my depths.

oh wow.

we were with a group, so i truly had to work hard to keep the tears
from flowing. some leaked out anyway.
i was so incredibly moved by what felt like the sacredness of the place.
it felt like i was handed a…gosh…
like a 3D real life walk thru version of what i could only imagine inside
myself – a place full of the sacred where my light came from.
somehow, and i don’t know how –
it comes from the deep dark places of the cave.

when i saw the minerals lit up in the lights they had put in,
sparkling there –
all the time –
in the dark –
unnoticed –
until you threw some light their way,
i was just overcome with the beauty.

that’s us, you guys.
sacred.
intensely beautiful.
deep.
mysterious.
unknown.
only partly explored.
holy.
full of a throbbing energy.
glittering in the darkest of dark.
in spite of the dark.
glittering there anyway.
and somehow one with that dark.
strong and bold.
and silent and hidden.
that’s us.

i just keep walkin’ around thinking about that.
and tryin’ to feel it.
and so so grateful for the depths inside us.