he called to check in and see how i was. ‘i’m right in the middle of what feels like a spiritual experience,’ i tell him.
this is what happens when you marry an artist.
thing is, it was really big for me. and probably a little too complicated and personal to type out here in any kinda form that will work.
but here’s part of it in a general, ‘for public use’ form –
it’s the whole honesty/see yourself clearly stuff i’ve been talkin’ about the last couple days.
i saw a big place where i wasn’t living my belief. ha! i mean, seriously?!
yep! and my eyes got wide and i thought ‘okay, terri, what the heck is it you really believe?’ and when i answered i then went to – ‘well, then! why the heck aren’t you living it?!’
and i re-calibrated. oooh…i sound like my GPS thing. that’s it! it’s like that! you get to driving in the wrong direction, and you gotta go re-calibrate! and this time, instead of getting mad at myself for going the wrong way, i’m so excited that i figured it out and turned around to find the right way again!
maybe that’s just the way it works. and instead of focusing on the wrong turns that i’m always gonna be taking, maybe i just need to know that when i do find my way, it’s a really really good thing.
it’s the first day of spring today. and i feel like i landed in it with gusto today. re-calibrated gusto.
this honesty/seeing clearly stuff? my gosh, it matters.
honesty is hard. i used to think it was easy. something that i just basically was.
i should know better. since i think it involves looking at ourselves over and over again, and seeing places where we’re not really being honest with ourselves, or maybe places we’ve changed and haven’t yet realized it – it takes some work. just as i was thinking about this, someone posted this image up on instagram. i grinned. apparently i have been pondering this all before.
wanted to share it here in case anyone else is pondering…
didn’t think it’d be so hard to get back in the swing of my dreams. i mean, i used to be incredibly good at working with them. but ahem…
then i stopped. and it’s been hard to find my way back.
finally, finally i feel like i’m making some progress.
last nite’s gave me this gem –
be intentional about what you let into your thinking. pay more attention. be stronger in your focus and your boundaries. if you want to travel where you want to, terri, then you need to really keep an eye on this.
i am quite thrilled about this. i needed the message. and i find the conveying of it absolutely brilliant!
here’s to the brilliance of dreams and the lucky moments when we can hear some of that brilliance!
*that wonderful line comes from the end of saturday’s entry in mark nepo’s ‘the book of awakening.’ (and yeah, i got a few days ahead of myself!)
i love that thought as it seems to me that learning how to live – be alive – sure is taking me a lotta time. and this made me think ‘oh good. it’s not just me.’
i took a walk just before sunrise this morning. i wanted to be out as the day arrived. thing is, where the sun comes up right now is right in front of my living room window. so, after walking a bit, i decided the best place to be was in my living room!
i pulled up a chair and watched. spending a good amount of time watching the tree branches play with the sky. i even grabbed my glasses so i could get a clearer view. there was this whole dance among the trees that captivated me. all right there as the sun rose and lit everything up pink.
tonite i plan to spend some time outside by the fire bowl. want to sit and kinda open to this partnering with the universe thing. want to hold a dream i had last nite and see if its meaning can make it thru to me as i watch the flames and i want to just spend some time on this being alive stuff.
i got a lesson this morning in what may seem a bit of a strange way… okay, in a TOTALLY strange way.
when i went to sleep last nite, i set my alarm nice and early. i had some stuff i wanted to attend to on my walk.
i planned to get into a good conversation with my imaginary friends and gain some much needed insights.
i ended up having one heck of an incredibly distracted, unfocused, fuzzy headed time.
i did manage to call out a couple of my imaginary friends that i rely on for direction. but i couldn’t stick with them long enough to get any. my mind kept darting in and out. listening wasn’t happening.
and they were perfectly okay with that. they didn’t need me to ‘get’ anything. they would be there when i was ready. there was no judgment or need on their part.
okay. to be clear. i know this sounds nuts. that is not lost on me. what i’ve come to know tho, is that this method works for me. i gain a lot from these talks that i have with myself.
this time, tho, i gained something from not being able to hear – the whole ‘perfectly okay’ thing i felt from ‘the other side’ of me.
THAT part i noticed. i thought about how i needed to give both myself and those around me a lot more of that.
the not needing anything and the complete trusting the process – that lit up my walk and my heart.
and i could see – fuzzy – yet still there – that this goes with my thought from yesterday. it goes with the desire to ‘partner with the universe.’ trusting the process without needs or judgments is gonna be such a huge part of everything. i want to learn to do this more and more.
and here i was – watching my imaginary friends do this with me. they inspired me today. EVEN when i wasn’t listening! or maybe BECAUSE i wasn’t.
more than once i have gone in directions that scare me. but i knew i had no choice. i had to go.
now, i’m thinking that should happen fairly frequently if we’re to actually do some real growing. and that maybe we should welcome those times.
who knew? i sure didn’t.
something i untangled once tho was that my fear was muddled. that i thought i was afraid of what would happen. when really, what i was afraid of was that i couldn’t handle whatever happened.
i don’t really want to challenge that whole thing and have the universe hand me stuff that will test me. i really don’t.
i’m not ready for super big scary stuff. (who ever is?!) but i do want to start seeing that i can handle the lesser not as big but still scary enough stuff.
sort of almost partner with the universe. ohmygosh…. what a thought that is. partner with it in trust.
woe. wouldn’t that be something?! wouldn’t that just be something.
definitely something i want to put in my head and mull about as spring arrives. being out in the yard again, watching new life arrive, i’m gonna hold that all as affirmations to trust, and i’m gonna think about this whole partnering deal.
i moved my work space back! back to my window yesterday!
it’s some goofy story as to why i moved away in the first place. just little logistic things made it seem like a good idea.
i feel like an entirely new person sitting back where i belong – with my window.
what was i thinking?!
oh, sure, i had a plan. and figured i’d be at the window ‘enough’ to keep myself happy.
rolling my eyes here.
whatever. i’m back now.
earlier this morning i was thinking how much i like being the age i am. (58 in a few months) how there’s a lot more ease with a lot more things. it’s that whole ‘live and learn’ thing. if we’re lucky, we actually do!
one of my favorite lessons i got along the way is what just happened with my desk – try something. if it doesn’t work out, change it. and feel free to change it again. and again.
that’s a good one, isn’t it? i think we forget that we don’t have to be stuck. that we do have the option to change!
maybe that’s part of it – the seeing the whole picture a little bit better now – i now know there’s enough stuff that i can’t change. that there truly are some stucks that happen. and those? well, we gotta find our way thru.
but the other stuff? my gosh, we just have to roll up our sleeves and change ’em. and maybe by now we know enough to actually do that.