journal

musings and ponderings…

July 16, 2018

quieting my own noise…

it wasn’t until friday of last week
that i felt like i had finally come
to a spot where i could START
to quiet my own noise inside me.

on this morning’s walk, i didn’t feel as quiet
inside as i had hoped, but i did manage to ask
questions and just leave some space.

and to my complete amazement –
and i can’t figure out why i’m so amazed…
i mean – isn’t this what i believe in?? –
in a matter of a few hours,
i got two very strong messages.

magic, authenticity, faith….
they were huge parts of the messages.

i am typing with tears of gratitude pooling in my eyes.

and i’m off to get quieter…

July 13, 2018

holding this one…

i have been reading this quote
over and over again.
put it by my sink.
i keep thinking about it.
wanted to share.
seems like a good thing to bring
into our weekend –

‘Who sees all beings in his own self
and his own self in all beings,
loses all fear’
-the Isa Upansihad

July 12, 2018

trauma book…

someone suggested this book to me –
and i have since suggested here at least once before.
i love it!

it’s called ‘the body keeps the score’
by bessel van der kolk.
(you can find it here if you’re interested)

i originally bought it to try to understand trauma more than i did.
a lot of people who come thru bone sighs have major trauma,
and i wanted to know more about it.

i didn’t think i’d read the whole darn thing,
but not only did i finish the whole book,
i’m on round two! i found it so fascinating.
for anyone who has severe trauma, i totally recommend it.
(altho, i’m not sure about triggering. i didn’t read it with that in mind, so be careful.)
and for anyone who just wants to understand it more, it’s really good.

something i just came across again is our ‘heart rate variablility’ – HRV.

i was gonna try to sum it up in my own words – but this is prolly easier and better –
right from the book –

‘Since the autonomic nervous system organizes arousal in both
body and brain, poor HRV – that is, a lack of fluctuation in heart rate
in response to breathing- not only has negative effects on thinking and
feeling but also on how the body responds to stress. Lack of coherence
between breathing and heart rate makes people vulnerable to a variety
of psychical illness, such as heart disease and cancer, in addition to
mental problems such as depression and PTSD.’

this time when i read that, i stopped to think about my own breathing!
um….i’m betting it could be a lot better.
i’m not much of a deep breather.

so i started thinking about breathing more –
i even got a deep breathing app to use! ha!

i know everyone involved in yoga is nodding their head and saying ‘yes, of course.’

but for those of us who haven’t paid much attention to that, i wanted to pop
it out here. i’ve already found it useful just to do in between things.
and last nite as i went to sleep, i tried it as well. don’t think i did it very
long as i think it put me right out!

i am loving this being mindful and doing all i can to aid in my own health.
i’m on a roll here and wanted to share…..

deep breath everyone!

July 11, 2018

ha!

so there’s been no plan
other than –
pay attention,
step away from the busy,
listen,
be open.
aim for healthy.

it hasn’t been very long.
and!
i feel REALLY GOOD!

my guy commented last nite that i look better.
and i looked at him and asked ‘do you think it’s the EMDR??’

(i have been doin’ some EMDR on my own here!
if you don’t know what it is,
it’s a therapy you can work with to go back to traumas you have had.
(or maybe just change some beliefs??)
it’s a whole topic all on its own that i want to talk about when i feel
like i’ve finished. and i want to be soooooooo careful talking about it
because most people do it with therapists and i don’t want anyone to get
from me that they should be doin’ it on their own. ya know?)

so yeah, maybe it’s the EMDR….but truth is, everything i’ve been doing
has been so intentional and i’m thinking it’s one great big mix of all of that.

but! here’s the big thing –
that wasn’t intentional.
well, not in a straight in front of my face way –
altho, it is even tho i didn’t see it –

everything i’m doing is carrying the same theme –

i am valuable.

ha!
go figure!
i have been telling myself that in a thousand different ways here
every day now for a few days straight!

wow.

i don’t think i have ever done this before.
sure, i have made decisions based on that thought,
boundaries, choices….all that.
sure.

but to kinda have that at the center of all you do during the day?
nah, never.

no, it’s not selfish stuff.
don’t even go there.
cause that doesn’t value you at all to be selfish.
so it’s not that.
it’s healthy stuff.
REAL valuing.

i am eating healthy, exercising, breathing deeper, reading more, talking to
the universe more, listening to my dreams, workin’ on myself and smiling more.

this is good, guys.
really good.

July 9, 2018

pretty darn excited here…

okay, so i don’t want to keep repeating myself,
but if you just now land in here –
i decided to take some serious time for the next
few weeks and do some soul searching,
and finding my connection with the universe again.

i’ve only just begun.

the decision to do this wasn’t fun,
i cried a bit.
there’s reasons i’m doing this.
being pushed a bit –
but not so much that my life is exploding or anything –
like the last time i did this over 15 years ago!
so that’s good….
but i wasn’t really looking forward to it when i committed to it.
but knew i needed to. i could just feel it.

well, it’s only been a few days in.
and there’s been a holiday and a weekend mixed in –
so, truly, i’ve barely just begun.
and already i am feeling such relief that this is happening.

my dreams immediately started working with me.
i’ve been listening to what i say and how i phrase things.
i have been listening to those around me.

and i feel like i’ve sat myself down and said ‘i want to change
the things that are driving me.’

i want the flow of the universe and my heart to be driving.
that’s not what’s driving me now.

and that’s not gonna work for me anymore.

it’s been a gradual slip into wherever i am now.
it’s taken me years and years.
but i’m ready to jump out and start new.
and today i see how incredibly exciting this really is.
and how cool it is to step into the honesty of –
‘nope. i lost track. gotta go find it again.’

yeah.
it feels really good.

July 6, 2018

new perspectives

i have this gorgeous tree
right outside my office window.
it’s got three big sections to it,
and at least two of them
are going to have to be taken down.

while i was out this weekend,
my guy took one of ’em down.
when i got up in the morning, it took – in all honesty –
less than 30 seconds for me to notice.

my heart sunk.
but i knew it had to happen.
it’s just….you know…
you get attached.
and it’s one i look at every day.

then this morning, as i sat here early,
i looked out and saw the sunlight
shining on another tree in the most beautiful way.
i would never have seen it as this other tree
blocked that view.
i sat there looking at it and smiling.

i have decided that it’s time for me to really look
at what i’m doing, where i’m going and what i want.
i have decided to devote some real good time here doing
some inner reflection. i am already seeing things i need
to let go and move on from.

i see things – just like that part of the tree –
that need to be removed from my life or my thoughts so that
i can be as healthy as i want.

and right there as i gazed at the sun hitting the other tree,
i knew that i had to be totally open to this and trust that
there is beauty that i’m clearing the way for.

i thought that was kinda darn cool.

July 5, 2018

listening time

funny,
all the thinking i’ve been doing about listening –
it’s all been about listening to others.
opening and hearing and paying attention to others.

well, i missed something kinda obvious in all that listening stuff –

it’s time i stopped and listened to the universe.
and to what it has to say to me thru my heart.

i’m outta practice.
i can do it a bit.
but not like i used to.
not like when i started bone sigh arts so long ago.
when i first set out on this journey of mine,
that’s all i did.
i followed where i was led.
i considered myself co-pilot and i navigated from that seat.

while i have gained so many things as the years have passed,
i have lost that.

almost.

not entirely.

i certainly pay attention.

but i don’t rely on it like i used to.
i don’t trust it and know it like i used to.

and it’s time to get that back.

so the plan is to make a lotta room for that right now.
to cut down what i ‘have’ to do to the absolute minimum
and take some terri time. terri and the universe time.

blogging will be part of it, i think.
feels good just typing this out and declaring it to the world.
we shall see…

that’s the deal tho.
i see something i need to find again.
so i’m off to seek and to listen.

it’s incredibly beautiful and completely scary.
which, yeah, sums up life pretty good,
don’t ya think?

tucking you in my pocket as i travel…