journal

musings and ponderings…

January 24, 2020

i’m a fan

i’m a jordan peterson fan.
i really love the personal responsibility
ideas that he offers.

he’s gotten a bum rap with the media.
so if you’ve heard bad things about him,
it might be a good time to both check him out yourself,
and maybe rethink how much trust you want to put into the media.

he’s quoted and referred to in my family.
and this morning when my husband mentioned the whole
‘clean your room’ thing that jordan talks a lot about,
i got inspired to go listen to just a few minutes of the man.

i ended up writing some stuff down.
was going to type it out here.
but i think i’ll just link this four minute vid for you.
that way, if you don’t know him, you can see who i’m talkin’ about.

this might be a strange introduction, i’m not even sure.
i’m used to him. i love his intensity.

some of the lines in here are pure gold.
click here if you’re interested.

January 23, 2020

on my mind

the whole ‘it’s up to us’ thang
has been on my mind a lot lately.

i have been doin’ serious inner work for years and years now.
and if i stop to really really really think about it,
i can see how far i’ve come.
(yes, and how far i have yet to go! – but for now,
we’re talkin’ about change.)

the problem is, it’s not something you can just look in the mirror
and realize you traveled far.
you have to kinda sit still and really give it some thought.
or have circumstances come up where you see your reactions
have changed.

which is all why i think that it’s NOW that i’m starting to really really
get how it is our own selves that change things for us.
because –
i HAVE been looking in a mirror and seeing a difference.
i have been workin’ on uppin’ my healthy lifestyle for over a year now.

and i am finally seeing a change happening.
and yeah, i’m liking it.
but that’s not what’s really got me tickled –
it’s the seeing of a change in myself from my own doing –
i don’t have to stop and figure it out –
i can just look and see.

so that’s made an impression on me.

i have been thinking of all the pain we all carry around.
and maybe we are kinda just stuck with the thought of it always
having to be that way. maybe this is about both emotional and
physical pain.

maybe it doesn’t!
maybe it doesn’t have to be that way.
but the thing is –
no one can change it but our own darn selves.

and that’s what i’ve been thinking a lot about lately.

why don’t we?

why have i waited 58 years to REALLY live as healthy as i can all the way around? what stopped me? or maybe it should be – why is it i didn’t start?

yesterday, as i thought about all this,
i wrote –
‘perhaps the way to truly love someone back to living,
is to remind them that the fire of all that is
still burns bright inside them.
waiting for them to show up.’

i wanted to remind all of us today.

it’s up to us to show up.
i truly believe that.

January 22, 2020

so many ways to listen…

the image and quote above –
i posted it really recently.

it’s part of my new year’s intentions.
to listen more.
to learn me more.

this morning i stumbled into something
that i hope will become a new practice.
or…well….part of THIS practice.
a sub-practice!

i’ve been trying to figure out ‘start’ times for my day.
i get up early as that seems to be when i can fit in the
‘luxury’ stuff that i can easily run out of time for.

things like talking to the universe,
exercising,
walking,
lighting candles and stretching,
talking to my imaginary friends –
those kinda things.

obviously not luxuries but necessities.
but you know what i mean –
they can get cut from the schedule in a heartbeat.

so i’m playin’ around tryin’ to make it the best for me that i can.

i decided to try to set my inner alarm clock in my head,
and see if i can make that work for me.
i’ve done it before easily.
but then got really reliant on an alarm clock,
and seem to have lost the knack.

so i’m workin’ on getting that back.
gettin’ the knack back, jack.

this morning when i woke up,
it was dark, the bed was warm, outside of the bed was cold,
i was cozy, i was getting ready to roll back over and go to sleep.
i had no idea what time it was. i do this fairly often as i sleep,
so that seemed like a reasonable thing.

but then i realized –
‘wait! LISTEN!’ i told myself.
you just woke up. listen to that and check the time.
it was EXACTLY when i wanted to wake.
exact.

oh man, i was so tickled.
yes, that i woke up at the right time. yes.
but ALSO because i just caught myself –
i almost didn’t hear.
it was so quiet, i almost didn’t hear.
it was so tempting NOT to hear.
ha!
yeah.

and suddenly, i realized – this isn’t gonna be JUST about creating my own
alarm clock inside of me – this is gonna be a practice in listening.

that absolutely thrills me.

January 21, 2020

farewells

a neighbor of mine
passed away in december.

he lived alone,
but has family and friends
who will be taking care of the stuff that he left behind.

as far as i know,
his most prized possession, by far, was his motorcycle.
that was totally his baby.

his friends were around the other day loading it up into a trailer.
i could see all this from my living room window.

when i saw what they were doing,
i stopped everything and just stood there and watched.

as crazy as it sounds, it was my way to just say goodbye to him.
we weren’t close, i barely knew him.
tho i heard about his motorcycle trips when we did chat.
and i knew how proud he was of that bike.

i watched them roll it outta the garage.
i thought about how weird life is.
how things really are just things.
but i hoped whoever was getting the bike treasured it too.

i said goodbye to him quietly there in my living room.

and i thought about my own stuff.
i really don’t have any thing at all that’s a real treasure –
well, only in the people in my life. not in my stuff.

i don’t really know why.
i don’t think i’m all enlightened about stuff.
i really don’t know why it is.
but as i thought about it, i couldn’t come up with any thing
that you would look at and say ‘THAT was her treasure.’

tho, i knew if you looked at my sons or my husband,
there would be no doubt THEY are the treasures.

that works out good, i think.
i liked it when i realized that.
i done good there.
and i want to keep that in mind as i go along.
are we treasuring the real treasures in our lives?
do they know? do they feel it?
i’m thinking that there is always always room for
improvement in that department.

and so, as i turned from my window,
i went back to my life a little more determined
to focus on the love – and the treasures that i will some day
leave behind…


January 20, 2020

offering love

‘and if’

i sat and thought a bit about
MLK day this morning.
and about the whole idea of
offering love.

while a MLK quote should have come to mind,
i gotta laugh –
cause one of my quotes did instead.
ahem.

sorry martin.
tho, i’m not.
because he is such an inspiration about
being, offering, living love.

and the quote i thought of is about that –

‘and if when it’s all over
and i am asked what i did with my life –
i want to be able to say –
‘i offered love.’

can you imagine when martin was asked.
wow.
yeah, i guess he didn’t need to be asked.
wow.

to live it so strongly.
i can’t even imagine.
but wow…i can be inspired to try.

toasting MLK today and all he added to this world.
i have three originals up on etsy of this quote.
i’m going to go over right now and pop them on sale
for the day – to honor the holiday, to honor the spirit
of the man this holiday is for.

come on over and check them out.

January 16, 2020

a way of life or living?

a way of life

i took a walk this morning
and a phrase popped into my head.

several times.

it was in response to some thinking i was doing.
i was thinking about how when i get afraid, i run.
maybe not literally run,
but more like my thoughts will run and run and run.
i won’t slow down enough to ‘be’ with the fear or the problem.
that kinda thing.

and the response inside me was ‘yeah, you can do that.
it’s a way of life. but it’s not living.’

great response, isn’t it?
i liked that.

then later, in thinking about something else,
a person i view as really unhealthy came to mind.
and i thought of how she lives her life.
and yep, right there, the phrase popped in again –

‘it’s a way of life, but it’s not living.’

oooh. there it is again, i thought.

so i just kinda held that phrase.
and fell in love with it.

it’s one of those things you can pull outta your pocket
and ask yourself if it fits whatever you’re doin’ at the moment.

i like things like that.
i like having this stuff to pull out and think on.

wanted to offer it to you as well.
just in case you like that stuff too.

January 15, 2020

so not a victim

i’m not sure i’m going to be able to share
the video i saw…
if i can, i certainly will.
but maybe i just need to describe it.

it’s a quick 38 second vid made with a friend’s phone.

this friend of mine is one of my heroes.
and inspirations.

why?
because he’s totally not a victim.

and if anyone has an excuse to be a victim,
he does.

i’ve posted about him before,
but wanted to do so again today,
because i was so darn moved from that short
little video he made.

it’s of him playing ‘amazing grace’ on the dulcimer.
‘one handed, backwards and upside down.’

why? because he had a stroke a few years back.
he lost the use of one of his hands.

a musician right down to his bones,
he just hasn’t let that stop him.
as if that’s not inspiring enough,
there have been more hurdles –
one of which is his fight with cancer right now.

i’m not sure if it’s chemo day for him today,
so i didn’t want to bug him about sharing the vid.
(altho he did give me permission!)

the stroke isn’t the story he walks around with.
the cancer isn’t the story.
it’s his love for music that he carries everywhere.
THAT is where he operates from.
well, that place and a deep center of faith.
combine those two and you get some mighty inspiring tunes.

and that is just one of the reasons that he takes my breath away.
and one of the ways in which he reminds me to keep on goin’
and growin’ and doin’ what i love.
and any time i get near that victim mentality, he comes to mind.
reminding me always that the resources inside ourselves go deep.

if i can, i will post the vid here later.
if not, just imagine the most beautiful amazing grace
that you have ever heard.

talk about the perfect song.
thanks, les.

see if this works. click here!

January 14, 2020

upward spirals…

i think i have bumped right into
one heck of a delicious upward spiral!
and i am LOVING it.

i didn’t even think of that visual til one of my sons
used those words yesterday.
and yep! it rang so darn true.

i’ve been thinking about it.
and i think maybe i’ve bumbled my way into
something i want to remember.

it’s been a rough couple years here.
my husband has had serious back issues.
there was quite a dark cloud hanging over the place.

but! he’s taken a turn and we’re both real hopeful that
things are gonna be way better.
you can just feel that darn cloud went away.
it just feels lighter here.

so that’s the big swirl of that upward spiral.
totally outta our control.
we’re just lucky there.
and very very grateful.

but there’s more turns to the spiral.
and i think those turns were unknowingly set as we
stumbled along here…

somewhere in the middle of all this dark cloud stuff,
when i was feeling like i was gonna lose my mind if i
didn’t do something, i decided to focus on my own health.
really just kinda concentrate on more fitness stuff and
eating right.

so, for me, that is a complete turn of what i would normally do.
normally, i’d binge on comfort food and i’d veg on movies.
but somewhere inside me i knew i needed to DO something.
and the doing HAD to be for myself.
so the choice to work on my health seemed obvious.

i had already been off of sugar for a few months.
so i decided to keep that goin’.
and from there, my diet has really cleaned up.

the exercise wasn’t exciting at first.
i was doing it for health, but sure figured i’d lose weight.
and it wasn’t happening.
my gosh.
but i kept at it.
cause i knew it was about my health and doing something.
i needed the focus.

so the results weren’t encouraging me,
but the fear of going insane kept me going.

and after a whole lot longer than i woulda figured,
i DID start to lose weight.
and i have.

so you know,
that is now egging on both the exercise and the diet.
i am loving that!

and then, beyond all that –
my husband and i had to really learn better ways to communicate.
and believe me, we have a long long looooong way to go.
communicating – REALLY communicating – is hard.
toss in physical pain, and ooooch it’s hard.
but! we have improved.
because we had to.

so now! (thanks for hangin’ in there this far!)
as things are lightening up,
i am in this spot that is way better than when we started.
it’s not worse.
and think about it –
it could be worse.
way worse.
if i had done the normal binge and isolate thang that feels
comforting to me – i would be at a completely different place right now.
if we hadn’t worked so hard on communicating,
we would be in a completely different place.

this is big news to me.
cause here’s the thing –
one way or another, we’re gonna hit dark clouds again.
big ones.
and i want to somehow somehow remember
that something that can help me with the cloudy skies
is to prepare for the sun to come out again as i’m under
the shadows that don’t feel like they’ll ever lift.

that will take many different forms, i imagine.
and much muscle and focus.
but i think it could help a whole whole lot.

which is why i typed out this whole thing.
i did it for the both of us.
you.
and me.
maybe you’ll help me remember?

January 13, 2020

a little perspective

my husband shared this with me
over the weekend.
i watched it and just couldn’t move.

i just watched it again this morning.
the same crazy mix of astonishment,
total lack of comprehension,
wanting to weep,
and making an effort to close my jaw
all at the same time,
came over me all over again.

it’s just under seven minutes.
if you can grab the time,
this is so darn worth it.
and if you don’t have time today,
tuck it away for when you’re having a rough day.
i’m thinking it’ll help give you a little perspective.

i’m keeping this one handy.

click here.