journal

musings and ponderings…

January 22, 2021

turning…

undercurrents

alrighty,
turning away from all that ‘stuff’
i’ve been goin’ on about,
and turning to new art!

we have two new pieces.
this one above is a ‘redo’ of one we had.
i get a kick outta how i view this one –
i always think of this one as the only bone sigh about me.
which makes me laugh out loud.
really, terri?!
well, let’s just say this is the only one that
i DELIBERATELY wrote about myself.

and the one below is one that feels like it’s time for.

they just came in yesterday.
and i gotta say,
i am really tickled with both of them!

so….while i’m talkin’ shop here –
bone sigh arts will be closed from february 1st to the 5th.
if you want any valentines –
or any of these lovely new prints –
you want to know that and order this coming week!

the flame inside her


January 21, 2021

finishing it up

i had planned on finishing
up the whole ‘divide’ talk
with yesterday’s post,
and moving on.

i got a note this morning though,
that i think might be the perfect thing
to actually finish on.

for yesterday’s quote of the day
(which was inauguration day)
i sent out the quote ‘don’t let them take away
who you are.’

i got a response from someone i have known
for years telling me she was surprised and
saddened, but would respect my right to my
own opinion.

hmmmm….

this seemed to be such a perfect example of
the division we are experiencing,
that i thought maybe it would help illustrate
what i have been trying to convey the last
few days. i am hoping so.

she’s an absolutely beautiful person.
generous. kind. loving.
means no harm.
is truly saddened by whatever she got from that.
would never want to be part of any division
in our country.

so, what DID she get from that?
i don’t know as i haven’t heard back yet.
so maybe i have it all wrong and it’s not the
example of what i am using it for.
but i’m gonna play with it anyway,
as i think it helps think through some stuff.

does she assume i’m a trump supporter?
is that what makes her sad?
would it take her sadness away to know i’m not?

so, okay…i’m not.

is that what the sadness was about?
if so, why?
are trump supporters somehow less than?
do ‘they’ believe in hate?
what’s the sad about?
good questions to ask ourselves.

does saying ‘i respect your right to your opinion’
make it ‘all okay?’
does saying the respect part make it so we don’t have to
actually look at the division that we are part of?
if you respect my opinion, do you need to tell me it
makes you sad? real questions for us all to think on.

so, now, what if you’re a trump supporter reading this
and you feel sad reading i’m not a trump fan –
if so why?
are you assuming i’m a biden supporter?
would it take your sadness away to know i’m not?

so, okay…i’m not.

is that what the sadness was about?
if so, why?
are biden supporters somehow less than?

do you feel the need to tell me you are saddened
by my opinion? if so, why?
do you know what my thoughts are?
if not, why?

what exactly DOES ‘respecting another’s opinion’
mean to us anyway?
is it their RIGHT to have one, is that what we’re
respecting? not their opinion?
i can see how that would make a difference in it all.
and that might be really important to look at.

‘don’t let them take away who you are.’
that was the quote.
and i mean it with my entire heart.

i feel like every single one of us needs that reminder
right now more than ever. BECAUSE OF THE DIVIDE
not because of who you vote for.

you don’t have to be for a ‘team.’
or you can be.
whoever you like or dislike –
if you trust in politicians or you don’t –
i hope we are all rooting for our country to succeed
in all kindsa different ways.
i don’t know anyone who is NOT hoping for that.

but if we participate in the divide,
no matter how subtle it is inside us,
we ARE letting them take away who we are.
we are being less than we can be.

if this thought that i am typing out right now –
this thought of mine somehow makes you sad
with who i am,
that’s fair.
that’s being sad about some thought TERRI has,
about some direction terri is aiming.
it’s not being sad about who i’m glad to see as
president.
see ME, not my party.
i’m rooting for us.
i really really am.

and maybe if we all REALLY saw each other,
we wouldn’t be sad.
because if we all really saw, we would see
how alike we are.

i have been nudging as hard as i can to get
all of us to look at how we are participating in the
division without even knowing it. i know i am.

and yeah, i’m done.
it may show up again in my own journey with my
own wrestling with it inside myself –
cause it certainly seems to be a big part of living
right now. but i’m done nudging.

it’s up to us.
always has been.
just now i see it so darn clearly.






January 20, 2021

here we are

it’s here.
inauguration day.
some are thrilled.
some are beyond broken hearted.

it’s not just a win to one side.
it’s the saving of america.

it’s not just a loss to one side.
america was stolen.

for all the healing and unity the winning side speaks of,
it certainly is blindingly absent when it comes to their dealing
with the losing side.

so the divide not only continues,
it widens.
it deepens.

on this day,
so many will look to the new administration
with the hopes of them saving us.

i deeply believe that NO MATTER WHAT
your politics are – thrilled or crushed here,
looking outside for saving right now is
the worst mistake we can make.

i believe it’s ENTIRELY up to us right now.
whether you won or lost –
it’s us right now.

i read a post by glenn greenwald yesterday.
a couple of sentences just stopped me in my tracks.
i wanted to put them here for all of us –

That a new War on Terror is coming is not a question of speculation and it is not in doubt. Those who now wield power are saying it explicitly. The only thing that is in doubt is how much opposition they will encounter from those who value basic civic rights more than the fears of one another being deliberately cultivated within us.

i had no idea how much of a civil rights gal i was until i saw them getting taken away – and freely handed away.

i see fear as the tool that has been used to take them
and belief in safety as the motivation to hand them to the takers.

we have become so afraid of each other.

after i read glenn’s sentences,
i thought about them a lot.
and i wondered –
is it easier to accept that those who believe differently
are so scary that we need to be protected from them –
is that easier to accept than the idea that the fear of
each other is ‘being deliberately cultivated within us?’

i honestly wonder.

is it easier to hate than to do the work not to hate?

if you’re curious, spend a day hearing what you listen to.
hearing what you accept.
listen for those words that feed something inside of you.

when i’m angry, i want to hear the negative stuff.
i just do.
it feeds something inside me.

when i’m scared, i want to hear that i’ll be protected.
i don’t want to take the fear apart and examine it.
i just want to be taken care of!

when i want to be in the know and feel i understand something,
i am quick to accept what someone is telling me if it answers
my questions easily.

every single one of us is lazy.
that’s just how we are.
every single one of us has parts of ourselves
that shouldn’t be fed, but want to be fed.

it’s not YOU – it’s US.
all of us are like that.

and let’s face it,
it’d be WAY easier to have some ‘administration’
somewhere come in and just fix everything for us.

but life doesn’t work that way for anything.
ya know?

it’s ours.
it’s ours to see our part in the division,
in the direction,
who we are listening to, who we are fearful of,
the consequences of what we accept –
that’s all ours.

that’s all work.

and that’s all vital right now.

i have added to the divide.
and i have fed things inside of me
that should not be fed.

i am thinking of today as MY inauguration day.
(inauguration defined –
the beginning or introduction of a system, policy, or period.)
and i’m gonna work hard, think more, act intentionally,
hold awareness, listen deeper, question more, and be
a leader to myself as best i possibly can be.
so help me god.

may we all take a pledge within ourselves to create
the world that we want to live in.

no one else will do it for us.








January 19, 2021

a little sky

i snagged some sky time today

i got up this morning and went out for
a walk with the dark.
and i watched the day wake up.

when i came home,
i changed into clothes that made me happy.
i popped on shoes that i move quick in.

when i drove errands,
i found all the back roads.
trees.
and sky.
and sun.
i soaked them in.

‘wooooe we are in for a ride, aren’t we?!’
i asked the vastness as i drove.

‘okay, i’m hangin’ on and i’m here for all of it!’

and soooooo…….
deep breaths…
and away we go……






January 18, 2021

leaders

“I have decided to stick with love.
Hate is too great a burden to bear.”

-MLK

as i sat and read the news this morning,
the tears ran down my face.
i go from absolute terror to such sorrow
as the stories go on and on.

and then i look out my window at the early morning
sun lighting up the trees way in the back. lit up
with such glory that it takes your breath away.
and i remember the vastness.

“We must accept finite disappointment,
but never lose infinite hope.” MLK

i read of yet another person who was associated
with trump being ousted from yet another college.
of a senator not being able to hold his fund raiser
as his venue pulled out and said no.

and the fear rose again in that now familiar wave that
keeps washing over me.

we are accepting these things.
and in that acceptance,
we are growing the ugliest of monsters.
it seems to pick up speed – with each act,
more pop up – yet it seems invisible to so many.
i fear at this rate, if we don’t see very soon, we won’t
be able to stop it.

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.”
MLK.

i think of MLK today, and long for a leader.
long for someone to put on the brakes, address the hate,
offer ideas for healing, and stop the lies. someone who
could address the divide and really understand what MLK said –
“We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.”

i see no one out there.
and the sorrow and fear rise again.

and then i think of jordan peterson and his words of
self responsibility. he would tell me that i need to be
my own leader. that i need to get my ‘own house’ in order.
and i think ol’ MLK might just agree –
“The time is always right to do what is right.”

i don’t know how to lead anyone, but i can lead myself.
and no, i’m not too sure it’s ‘enough.’
but it’s all i got.

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t
see the whole staircase.”
MLK

thinking of you today, martin, and wishing you were here.










January 15, 2021

nightmares and honor

ohmygosh…
this seemed like the perfect thing
to leave us for the weekend –

a nightmare!

laughin’…
noooo…
some inspiration!

i have this big ol’ huge writing pad
hanging in my bathroom.
i use it to pop up whatever thought
i want to concentrate on for awhile.

the other day i put up a buncha jordan peterson
quotes to kinda keep in mind.

one night, i stood there reading one of them
as i brushed my teeth.

and that very same night i had one heck of
a nightmare. it woke me up all scared.
you know the deal – shaky, breathing hard,
wanting to flip every light on in the house.
so i got myself up, went to the bathroom,
mostly to just kinda get my head awake enough
so that i wouldn’t slip back into the dream.

when i crawled back into bed i told myself –
‘just look at it.’
because, yes, i believe that many times nightmares
carry positive, important messages.
and yet, i find it hard to look at them
because – well – they scared me and i don’t wanna.

but i did.
and i smiled.
and the next morning i gave it all a lotta thought
on my walk and i could not believe how empowering
it really was.

it was a ‘typical’ intruder dream.
but not so typical this time.
there were some specific details that were very different.
and i feel they were backing up for me
EXACTLY what jordan’s quote was saying.
i feel that the knowing way down deep inside me
was telling me ‘yeah…you got this.’

how cool is that?!
‘what’s the darn quote?!?!?’ you ask –
well, i will leave that at the bottom here for you.
with a reminder for you –
maybe i can spare you a nightmare.
maybe i can be the megaphone for your
knowing voice way down deep –
telling you –
‘yeah…you got this.’

let’s walk in honor.
we got this.

“You cannot be protected from the things that frighten you and hurt you, but if you identify with the part of your being that is responsible for transformation, then you are always the equal, or more than the equal of the things that frighten you.” – jordan peterson


January 14, 2021

death and honor

i got news yesterday of a passing
of someone i know and care about.

this whole ‘be precise with your words’ thang
that i’m trying to do is difficult.
i want to say a ‘friend’ of mine –
but the truth is, we haven’t interacted for some time
though we did share some good moments together
years and years ago.

it was sad stuff.
i cried when i found out.

and as the tears rolled down my cheeks,
i could also feel one heck of a slap of
perspective hit my face.

it was one of the ‘typical’ ones that hit when
death arrives near enough to jolt you.
it was the very clear realization that this
is the one life that you get –
and there’s only so much time to live it.

i got that big time.
and i sat and thought about who it was
that i wanted to be at the end of the road.
and that’s with a lotta luck to get a lotta
years to get this stuff down, ya know?
and i know…….i don’t have that much time.
i gotta really get on this.

i wrote it out.
and i posted it as our quote of the day today.
it was a way i felt i could honor her passing.
i have another quote that talks about the struggle
of dealing with the loss of someone you love.
where it says that the only answer i could find
was to be all i could be and hold them in that beauty.

that’s what this felt like to me.
i was taking her passing, her life, and thinking about
my own and who i could be if i really tried,
and how i could hold her and all the ones that i loved
right inside that beauty.

i think that’s one heck of an idea.
the thing is – holding on to it, and living it.
that’s hard.

so…i have a visual – again.
this is not my first time.
and i’m glad about that.
each time it gets clearer and clearer to me.
i have a visual of who it is i want to be.

this morning, on my walk,
i worked with some stuff goin’ on inside of me
with this visual in mind.

if i can keep this in my head, i have an aim,
i have a compass, i have a guide.

she’s actually been with me for a bit.
i’m just seeing her better and better.

and this morning i walked with her and talked
with her and saw some of the work i needed to do.

i am holding that today and thinking of my friend.
and honoring her, and this gift of life that we all get,
that ends way before we’re ready.

let’s live it with honor, shall we?

January 12, 2021

willful ignorance and honor

oooh…
let’s go with these negative/positive headers
for a bit and see where it takes us…

yesterday i was contemplating hate –
giving it some thought so that i can be
mindful right now not to veer in that direction.
(thanks, therese, for your incredible comment
that you left. if you guys haven’t seen it,
it is sooo worth checking out!)

today i’m thinking about the division that
is caused by that hate, and how i am playing
a part in it all. (therese’s comment had a great
part about division as well.)

i walked this morning and thought about the everyday
happenings around us that we choose to be a part of –
conversations, computers and media, entertainment,
and our thoughts – these are some of the things that came to
mind quickly.

conversations – are we having ones that are inclusive?
do we put our opinions out and assume the person we’re
talking to agrees with us? do we ever ask the other person
what they are thinking? do we ever start with ‘i don’t know
how you feel about this, here are my feelings, i’d love to
understand yours.’ do we stop long enough not to just ‘hear’
but to UNDERSTAND? is anything other than agreement
judged as wrong? is that judgment extreme? do we even
notice? is there room for people to be ‘good people’ at
the same time that they believe in the opposite of our beliefs?
do we tell ourselves that ‘of course there is room for that’ all
the while there really isn’t? are we fooling ourselves with
who we are actually being? do we use extreme language or
language that divides? do we use labels and names and broad
brush strokes for groups of people?

okay, so right there, i see a ton of room for my own improvement.

then i moved on to computers and media –
has it even occurred to us that our news sources are absolutely
biased? does that very question make us defensive? if so, why?
do we understand how they are biased? do we notice?
have we ever stopped to hear the words? are they divisive?
inflammatory? slanted? true? opinion presented as fact?
how do we respond to these words/tones/biases?
do they feed something we want? do we take what is said as
truth without looking deeper? have we ever gone to the original
speech, document, or event and actually listened/read for ourselves?

it is only with great luck that i discovered jordan peterson before
he was labeled ‘alt right.’ i was so puzzled by that label as he’s nowhere
near that. (and again….where there’s a label, one should always be careful)
i think that if i didn’t know him ahead of time, i would have
just assumed he was someone i wanted to stay away from. and i would
have missed SUCH an incredible force in my life. how does anyone get so MISLABELED and have it keep on going? is there some kinda need for this that we agree to and want?

are we asking ourselves these questions and listening for our honest answers?

entertainment – what are we filling our heads with? are we bringing
ourselves up or down? are we choosing things that make us more, or
accepting things that make us less? do we believe that every choice we
make matters? do we make the correct choices for ourselves?

thoughts – am i listening to the thoughts of others and claiming them
for my own without question? do i understand anything i claim to know?
do i have simple answers for complicated problems? when was the last
time i came up with my very own thought – not someone else’s? when
was the last time i questioned something i ‘knew’? am i actually thinking
deeply or do i prefer to stay on the surface? why?

this is a lot.
all i can do is speak for myself.
and i can tell you that i have a lot to pay attention to and work on.
but probably the most important thing i can do,
is to stop being willfully ignorant.
i don’t get a pass for being ignorant.
if i’m not learning, growing, trying to be more responsible in my
thoughts, words and deeds, i am indeed part of the problem right now.
if i am assuming, coasting, not listening, i am part of the problem.
and absolutely, if i have all the answers, i am part of the problem.

honor, i believe, is owning that.
honor, i believe, is trying to find your way out of a life time
of lazy thinking and lazy actions.

i sincerely believe every single one of us is adding to the division
we are experiencing right now in one way or another. let’s own it.
let’s become more.

let’s strive to get away from the ignorance and head toward the honor.






January 11, 2021

hate and honor

i’ve always been the gal talkin’ about love.
never hate.
so what is up with that title, terri?!

i have been knocked flat with the events in my country.
there are so many threads to it,
and i have debated with myself over and over –
what is appropriate for my blog,
what exactly IS it that i want to share,
and what do i feel is the correct way for me to live.

finally, the other night,
i realized that one of the big things that i was trying
to process was the hatred that i am watching.
hate. evil. malevolence.
probably the most honest word is ‘malevolence.’
for some reason though ‘hate’ is the one that works
for me in my head. so that is the one i’ll be using right now.

it is so widespread right now – very public – everywhere you look,
and so incredibly ugly.
i have been knocked flat wondering why people are not just allowing
it, but they are accepting it. and THEN not just accepting it, but defending it.
i am seeing it openly being used as a tool/weapon.

so it occurred to me,
if i am going to stay the course,
and walk in love,
then i need to know the different ways hatred comes into our lives.
it seems to me that just taking a few baby steps in the wrong direction
will walk you right into the middle of hatred, and you may not even
know you’re standing there.

i need to keep my steps clean.
and right now it’s really hard.
because i am angry.
and afraid.
and frustrated.
and powerless.

all of which seems a perfect mix for hatred.

so what i did was sit down and just scrawl out the questions/
ponderings that came to mind right away. this was just
free-flow. no thought of trying to make sense. i did it in
just a few minutes while i was waiting for something.

i have since brought a couple of these questions to my family.
we’ve had some good talks about them.

i thought i’d type out some of that free flow here for us all to
think about. it may be confusing to do it this way, but it just
seemed a place to start.

the idea then, is to take this, run with this, ponder much more,
and mix in the idea of honor. how does one live with honor?
what is honor? i will be probably be pondering this thru the
blogs this week. just thought i’d start somewhere!

hatred as a tool/weapon.
takes over who you are.
drives everything inside of you.

forms of hatred? is it anything that divides?
is it as simple as snobbery?
is it separateness?
do we feel separate, then blame, then act with hate?

do you realize that it’s happening if it’s gradual or steady
every day in your life? in the media? in your surroundings?

how does fear fit in?
does hatred give the feeling of some sense of of security?
does it give a focus/easy answers when there are none?
does it feed our laziness yet make us feel strong and unaware
of our laziness/weakness?

it’s THOSE people hating – not us. never us. always THOSE.

at the very least THEY are doing it more than us.

is it looking outward not inward?
or is there an inward hatred that is actually projecting outward?

is it some sort of instinct designed to keep you ‘safe.’?

how does hysteria fit in? do i need hysteria? does it feed the fear
that fuels the hate?

is ‘peace’ the absence of hatred AND love or do you have to have
love to have peace?


and there you have the first of the ponderings this week.
how are we all participating in the hate?
how are we all supporting the hysteria and the hatred?

seems important to be thinking about right now…