journal

musings and ponderings…

March 31, 2020

rules 3 and 4

you didn’t think i forgot, did you?
back to the rules!
(if you have no idea what i’m talking
about, check the earlier blogs.)

so, okay, rule three is pretty darn straightforward –

‘make friends with people who want the best for you.’

that’s so straightforward, i thought i’d include the next
rule here as well. though, i do want to pause and let that
sink in. we don’t always do that. and perhaps we need to
ask ourselves why!

okay…the next one – number four –

‘compare yourself to who you were yesterday,
not to who someone else is today.’

yes!
so helpful!
that’s enough right there, isn’t it?

but you know i gotta add a few lines just to give
you some of the gold i’ve been enjoying.

he begins with talking about the internal critic.
‘No matter how good you are at something, or how you rank
your accomplishments, there is someone out there who makes
you look incompetent.’
‘Talking yourself into irrelevance is not a profound critique of Being.
It’s a cheap trick of the rational mind.’


and then! oh gosh, there’s so much here, i don’t even know how to begin –
he talks about how things change when you change your beliefs –

“And the direction of your sight changes. You see past the limitations that
hemmed you in, unknowingly. New possibilities of your life emerge, and
you work toward their realization…’


‘… and then ‘better’ means to aim at the Improvement of Being, with a
capital “I and a capital “B.”


and he goes on to talk about faith and describes what that means –
“Faith is not the childish belief in magic. That is ignorance or even
willful blindness. It is instead the realization that the tragic irrationalites
of life must be counterbalanced by an equally irrational commitment to the essential goodness of Being. It is simultaneously the will to dare set your sights at the unachieveable, and to sacrifice everything, including your life.
you realize that you have, literally, nothing better to do.”


“Attend to the day, but aim at the highest good.”

and that’s just a tiny bit of the gold i found with these rules.
this was absolutely perfect for me today.
once again, thanking dr. peterson.

’12 rules for life’ by jordan peterson


March 30, 2020

i think this works!

while i understand that my own personal
morning routine is of no interest to anyone else,
there is stuff about this story, that i want to share…

so i’ve been walkin’ in the mornings for YEARS.
it helps keep me sane.
so then i had the ‘jolt’ last week (that’s all in a blog post,
i’ll spare you the repeat of that story…)
and while that wouldn’t have been enough to stop me,
trying to consider my husband’s feelings in the whole thing,
got me to rethink the ritual.

and…something helped with that….
one of the things i’ve been working on –
trying to listen to where i am led.

maybe it is time for something new.
he obviously would be relieved,
and who knows what it could bring me.
i wondered, watched, experimented,
and figured out the components of what i wanted.

i really love being in the dark.
i need movement.
i need the sky and the trees.

once i figured that out, i had an idea!

we set up my bike in the back yard on a stand.
so it’s just like a stationary bike.
and i went out early this morning, in the dark.
and i biked with the sky and the trees.

and i loved it!

and! here’s the part that makes me pretty darn sure
i found something that’s gonna work –
my imaginary friends showed up on bikes!
(my inner crone was on a racing bike! coolest thing ever!)

talk about an affirmation!

the parts of the story that seem worth sharing –
listening to my partner’s concerns, even tho i didn’t share them.
hearing him enough to try something new (tho, this has taken
a loooong time for me to get to. so i guess we gotta be thankful
that finally sank in!)
remembering that change may be leading me to something new.
figuring out what are the things i need,
and finding different ways to get those met,
and – the best part –
hearing my inner parts of me rejoice and play
and realizing that’s a very good sign.

that’s good stuff, ya know?
so i wanted to share.

who knows how long this will work.
but for now, i’m tickled!

March 26, 2020

jolts

taking a break from the rules today,
to sit with being here.

yesterday on my walk,
i got a real jolt.
i honestly believe i came really
REALLLY
close to not being here.

it was a car on my walk.
story doesn’t matter.
thing is,
it was so close, that after it sped away,
i just stood still with my hands on my heart,
totally understanding that it could have all been over right then.
and that moment that i was standing there,
well, it didn’t have to be that.
i could have been gone
and it could have been all over.
just like that.

(and yes, it has led to an opening of different options
in the morning. not sure what i will end up doin’,
but i will be trying different things.)

so, here’s the thing –
those jolts – those are a gift.
they’re rare.

it’s not the jolt of horrible health news,
or horrible health problems.
or things that knock us flat and make it hard
to get thru the day.

it doesn’t carry residue so heavy we can’t move.

it comes, scares the daylights outta you, and leaves.

those are the moments you really see what you block out
most every other moment. –
that it’s no small thing you’re here, and you can be gone
in a second.

it was powerful.
and it stayed with me all day.
and is still here this morning.

things like sipping tea out of a tea cup i love,
listening to bob tell me something,
feelin’ the softness of my socks…
all that stuff was noticed big time.

i know that to function and really get thru the days,
a lot of the noticing will disappear.
i am lucky enough that i naturally notice a bit anyway,
but i want to really really try to carry a piece of this
jolt with me for as long as i can.

it’s a goofy time now.
it’s been a goofy time for awhile now.
grumbling can come easy.
well, i just want the noticing to come as easily
as the grumbling does, ya know?

thought i’d put this out there as there’s
a lotta adjusting going on now.
and maybe the gift of it all is easier forgotten.
here’s a reminder today –
we’re here to adjust.
that in itself is a beautiful thing.

let’s dance with the universe today.
and let’s laugh with god…

March 25, 2020

the second rule

okay!
we ready for number two?!

this would be the second rule
in the ’12 rules for life’ book i just finished –

– treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping –

something he points out is that people are way better
at taking care of their pets than they are themselves!

that really made me gasp.
and think.
yeah, i could be guilty of that for sure.

and again, he’s got this rule so packed with stuff, that i
don’t know where to start. so i’ll just clip a couple things
from the ending that i loved –

‘Don’t underestimate the power of vision and direction.
These are irresistible forces, able to transform what might
appear to be unconquerable obstacles into traversable
pathways and expanding opportunities. Strengthen the
individual. Start with yourself. Take care with yourself.
Define who you are. Refine your personality. Choose your
destination and articulate your Being. As the great 19th
century German philosopher Friedrich Nietzche so brilliantly
noted, ‘He whose life has a why can bear almost any how.”‘


‘You could help direct the world, on its careening trajectory,
a bit more toward Heaven and bit more away from Hell.
Once having understood Hell, researched it, so to speak –
particularly your own individual Hell – you could decide
against going there or creating that. You could aim elsewhere.
you could, in fact, devote your life to this. That would give you
a Meaning with a capital M.’


so, okay.
let’s see.
we got – stand up straight with your shoulders back
and
treat yourself like someone you’re responsible for helping.

yep!
darn good stuff.
thank you dr. peterson!

March 24, 2020

the first rule

okay, not knowing where to begin,
i shall begin at the beginning!

well, that’s not true…
i’ve already begun, haven’t i?
this will be the third blog on the book,
12 rules for life’ by jordan peterson.
so i guess i’m not really starting at the beginning.
and all of this makes me think of one of the rules –
‘be precise in your speech.’
ahem.
but that’s rule number eight.
(gotta work on that one…)

so um…..
let me just get into the first rule.
i’ve mentioned it earlier –
it’s ‘stand up straight with your shoulders back.’

and i think this is probably his most fun chapter.
if you don’t like the first chapter, you probably
won’t like the rest of the book. this one had me grinning
through quite a lot of it. i loved it.

he goes on a lot about lobsters.

i’m just gonna leave the lobsters to anyone curious
about the book to go read themselves,
and just share what i loved so much –
what stands out for me with this guy is the total
attitude of take care of yourself, do your work,
it’s up to you to get it together. and the way he just
plops it down and makes me feel like –
‘here. now, you gonna do it or not?’ –
that’s the feeling i get. and i like that.

no. i love that.
i think it speaks to something that i really need.

and that’s what this posture stuff is about.
it’s the start of it all. it makes sense this is his first rule.

‘Standing up means voluntarily accepting the burden of Being.’
(and yes, i just love that he capitalized ‘Being.’)

‘Your nervous system responds in an entirely different manner when
you face the demands of life voluntarily.’

(is that not perfect for the times right now?!)

‘So, attend carefully to your posture. Quit drooping and hunching around.
Speak your mind. Put your desires forward, as if you had a right to them –
at least the same right as others. Walk tall and gaze forthrightly ahead. ‘


and this made me grin –
‘People, including yourself, will start to assume that you are competent
and able (or at least they will not immediately conclude the reverse).
Emboldened by the positive responses you are now receiving,you will
begin to be less anxious.’


that’s the start.
and you know what?
that’s enough to keep me busy forever!
but i’ve only just begun.

standing tall!

March 23, 2020

a start…

i so much want to talk about
all the stuff in this book i just read.

yet, trying to figure out how to start
is really really hard.

the book is ’12 rules for life’
and the author crams so much in there
that it’s really tricky for me to figure out
how to nutshell it and talk about it.

this is the book i mentioned earlier.
and the author is soooo different from the author
that i am forever quoting here, mark nepo.
so, honestly, if you’re curious about it,
don’t go looking for a poetic book, like mark’s!
jordan just lays it all out there, doesn’t sugar coat
anything and bam just makes you go ‘ooooch.’
mostly in a good way.

i finally finished it,
and i’m a bit bummed about that,
because i can’t just say i’m gonna read about these rules –
now i feel like i gotta try to live them.

and they’re pretty darn hefty things to live.

so where do i start?!

well, it just so happens that 17 years ago today
my husband and i were best friends who decided
to try this whole ‘real relationship’ thang.
we didn’t want to lose the friendship as it was so
incredibly valuable to both of us, and we were worried
about that – yet we dove in anyway.
(i’m pleased to say that friendship has truly deepened
and we don’t regret that decision at all!)

one of the best things we ever came up with as we traveled along,
was we really tried to look at our own selves during problems,
and when things were really hard and we felt really stuck,
we would ask the other ‘what is it you need from me?’
there were times this was way harder than others.

well, jordan (the author) offers what he and his wife do –
and i like it very much. it seems to refine ours a bit, certainly
cements it, and the concise question feels really helpful.
and of course, this holds true for any relationship –

when there’s a problem, they ask themselves ‘what have i done wrong,
and what can i do now to set things at least a little bit more right?’


he talks about how they go to different rooms and think about it.
really really think about it – and open to the answer.
which, well, that’s HARD!
and then they come back and offer what they got.
and this part i extra love – he says, ‘Perhaps that is true prayer.’

another form of that question is echoed through the book…
i actually wrote it down for my every day living – and as it turns
out, i use constantly in my relationship now – it feels very similar –

‘how can i use my time to make things better instead of worse?’

that darn question goes through my head all the time now.
and it really really really gets you thinking about your own words
and actions.

living the stuff he wrote about isn’t easy.
but wow, it’s good.





March 20, 2020

well that helped!

well, for someone who is fairly aware
of the inner child inside her –
i sure didn’t see the inner teen tuggin’
on my sleeve lately!

i just haven’t been right.
and yeah, sure,
there’s a lot goin’ on that would make a person
not exactly right.
i know that.
but still…
i usually dive in and figure out what exactly
isn’t feeling right and work there.
and i was tryin’.

but i wasn’t touching on something.
and i could feel that.

it was a total accident that landed me
in a place where i realized –
there is a certain part of me that really needed
to feel safe.
my inner teen???
go figure.
i mean, right?
just go figure.

when i was a teenager,
when things weren’t right for me and i needed
to center and just feel better, i would go into my room
and listen to neil diamond.
i sheepishly posted this on facebook yesterday.
i mean, i’d really like it to be some cooler music
that i could claim i got lost in.

years later, i have tried to listen to neil,
but it just wasn’t my thing anymore.
which is fine. i just figured i outgrew it.

so why on earth i ended up popping him on
while i was exercising, i have no idea.
i like to believe i was being led.
maybe my inner teen finally grabbed the moment.

whatever it was,
i popped him on and exercised and sang along.
and i started to notice something –
i was feeling better.

REALLY feeling better.
i mean, more better than could be explained by
exercising (tho i’m sure that helps!)
but more in a deep soothing way.

and i could go right back to my room inside my head.
i remembered being in there and feeling so very similar.
and i could feel something inside me melting – in a good way.

i have been thinking about it ever since.
and wanted to put it out here.
i try to remind people often to pay attention to their
inner kid inside them. i don’t think i have ever said
pay attention to your inner teen!
well, um…….pay attention to all of your inners, right?!
and if one of them is tuggin’ on your sleeve letting
you know they’re not okay, maybe see if you can do
something that might feel good to that part.

here’s the thing tho –
i don’t think i woulda known it was my inner teen.
i just found her by accident.
but maybe we can just pay a little more attention to
things that we are led to. and maybe that’s how we can
find some of this stuff inside us?

don’t know,
but wanted to mention all this.
cause…well…..it’s a freaky funky time!

and today? after yesterday’s session with neil?
i feel soooo much better.
and i feel like i can stand tall and do what i want to do.
yeah.
and that feels really really good.

high fivin’ my teen!

March 19, 2020

tossin’ it here too!

hope cards

thought i’d toss this out here too –

i’m all proud of myself i finally thought of this!
grinnin…..

so, yeah, a little behind…but i got there! it occurred to me to show some more pictures of the hope cards! and as i just filled another order for them, i thought it was time! want to see them a little closer?

come look!

March 19, 2020

women stuff

just posted this on facebook
this morning –
wanted to share it here.

i’ll just cut and paste what i posted.

dr. kumar just let me know that she’s making short vids now and offering them over on her center’s facebook page. i haven’t had a chance to sit with them yet, but i watched the first minute of one and saw that they will be offered to help women learn self care, empowerment, and understanding what’s happening with their bodies! ha! that sounds wonderful! i think these are gonna make great tea breaks for me during my days. wanted to share with you. you can find them here – thank you dr. kumar!
https://www.facebook.com/TheOmmaniCenter/

while i haven’t seen them yet,
i am familiar with her work and other offerings,
and find her very helpful.

so thought i’d pass this along everywhere i could.

i don’t know if these particular ones are on youtube or not,
but i know she’s over there. i just popped in dr. rose kumar
and got a bunch. so you can look there as well.