journal

musings and ponderings…

January 18, 2019

holding it…

yesterday was an incredible day for me.

if you were standing at a window,
looking in,
you wouldn’t have seen anything
that would make you think it
was anything but an ordinary day.

there were ups.
there were downs.
there was the mundane.
there was the interesting.

but!
scattered thru everything was message after message
for me to see.
for me to hold.

messages i needed.
messages i’m holding.
messages that helped bring me back
to where i have been trying to get.
they were like my final little oooomph to get over
that last hurdley hump.

i can’t help but think they’re there every day.
and if i were more in tune, i’d see them.

but it was as if the universe threw up its hands
and said ‘okay, she’s so darn thick headed,
let’s just flood her with messages so she can’t miss them!’

i got them.
i was flooded.
overwhelmed.
and so deeply moved with gratitude.

i’m taking that in to my weekend and holding it close.

there’s magic all around us.
why is it i keep forgetting that?!

thanking the universe today and all who were messengers
for me yesterday.

January 17, 2019

it’s getting better and better!

i am reminded once again
what a darn circle life is.

having just come out of a pretty long funk,
i feel like each day i’m getting better and better.

and i’m grabbin’ it, baby!
i am stepping in to what feels good and right
and making as much room as i can for that to grow.

yesterday i did something awesome.
i made a choice.

it was a choice i had to sit with and think about.
it wasn’t easy.
but my gosh, it was so right.

once made, i realized how right it was
by the way i felt.
not only happy,
but joyful.
not only joyful,
but giddy.

i chose to leave some gunk behind
and just not give it any more of my time.

terri, you really CAN choose what your life is filled with!

and so, i’m taking that today,
and i’m bringing it to another place in my life,
where i need to stand up for myself and make my life what i want.

but you see?
i just did that in a much smaller way yesterday.
i still feel empowered.

so i’m riding on that today to have the courage to
speak my truth and stand behind it today in a bigger way.

it’s not like i never do that.
in fact, i do that a lot.
but you know…..sometimes it’s way harder than others.
and sometimes when you mix your issues in with the process,
it almost feels impossible.

i’m facing something that has felt impossible to me today.

and i’m giving the impossible the raspberry.

cause i really CAN choose what my life is filled with!
and so can you.

kinda cool, huh?!

January 16, 2019

it’s possible…

a couple of days ago,
i had a moment where i felt trust so deeply,
that it was actually overwhelming.
in a good way.

it was completely unexpected.
and felt so darn beautiful.

of course,
it was a moment.
days ago.

i’m still feeling like i have my feet
more in trust than fear.
but that moment – ohmygosh,
every single cell of mine was in trust.

i keep thinking of it.
i don’t think there was any particular reason
the moment happened. i mean, i had turned to trust, yes.
but why that moment then? i have no idea.

but what i’m thinking about today is that moment
is possible to have over and over again.

i can’t ‘make’ it happen, but i can certainly
be aware and open to it. ya know?
and truth is, i never really visualize living
a life THAT full of trust! my gosh!
and why not?!
it starts with a moment.
and moves on from there.
it’s possible.

so then what happens?

the quote of the day comes thru.
i read it and my whole being smiled.

โ€œwith the releasing and allowing comes a space.
a space of possibilities.
a space where magic is born.
refrain from holding,
from guiding,
from controlling.
you cannot grasp it.
open to it and surrender to it –
and let it dance thru your very being.โ€

January 15, 2019

it just sneaks up…

yesterday i wrote about finally seeing
something i needed to see –
that i just had to stop waiting for things to change,
and find the balance in the way things are now.

that’s one of those obvious things that
i woulda figured i knew.

actually, i know i know.

it’s like when you watch someone change job after job
after job after job –
you kinda wonder when are they gonna figure out
that there’s something inside them that needs tending.
it’s not that the answer is a new job.

or any of those kinda scenarios.

it’s rarely ‘when this happens, then i will be happy.’

i know that.
you know that.

so how did i fall into that?
i was saying ‘when this balances out, i will balance out.’

yeah.
c’mon terri.
you know better.

in thinking about it, i saw stuff that i just figured was
going to change.
and-
change for the ‘better.’

well, i’m sure it’s changing,
cause everything does.
but certainly not on my timetable.
and certainly not like the script that i had written.
that’s life.

and i had totally forgotten that.
i was just certain i knew.
and so i was in the ‘just hang in there’ mindset.

and hanging in there is just that –
gripping tightly, holding your breath, not moving.

oh terri.
i never even saw it happening.

this whole self awareness stuff is tough, isn’t it?
sometimes i think i’m good at it,
sometimes i’m so blind it makes me just shake my head.

thought the sneaking up idea is an important one.
so i wanted to share.
hard to pay attention to,
and yet so worth trying.

January 14, 2019

finding the balance in the unbalanced…

and finally,
there came the tipping point –
and that tipping point was from –
of all places –
a comment from my dentist!

where i finally finally saw what needed to be seen –
and i tipped right into a place of understanding.

understanding that i had been spending my time waiting
for the unbalanced in my life to balance out.
and thinking THEN i, myself, will get balanced.

rolling my eyes here.

no.
it doesn’t work that way, does it?
and i realized that i need to find balance in the unbalanced.

immediately, i felt relief.

after mulling that over all day in my head,
i had a remarkable dream that told me that while i have
waited for things to balance out,
i have let my biggest fears move back inside me
and set up house.

and in that dream, i turned and chose the life i wanted –
even tho it looked different than i had imagined,
and i turned my back on the fears, telling them to leave.

i now have a visual of myself standing on my balance board
working on balancing over and over again.
(and yes, i actually have a balance board at my standing desk
that says ‘find your balance’ right across it!)

and life feels quite different today.
in such a good way.

and mixed in the balance lesson, is also a gratitude lesson.
not everyone gets to have a dentist who feels like a friend
who offers wisdom in a quiet, easy way.
i have such gifts in my life, all around me.
and this morning as i type this,
the gratitude for those gifts is great.

i think keeping my eyes on that gratitude will also help
me on my balance board.

way cool stuff.

January 11, 2019

oh man….oh mark…

it’s january!
and the perfect time to grab this book
if you don’t already have it!

i have to admit, i have had it around for
a long time, and it wasn’t until the end
of last year that i really got into it.
so starting the year off with it has me
all tickled!

it’s mark nepo’s ‘the book of awakening.’

there’s a short reading for every day of the year.
i loved doing it when i finally started,
and i think that it’s a book i can just do this with forever.
i don’t think these entries are going to get old,
and i have a feeling new things will pop out at me
on different years.

today there was a line that totally grabbed me.
and i love leaving things on friday to take into the weekend.
this seemed perfect –

so…from mister mark nepo –

‘The courage to hear and embody opens us to a startling secret,
that the best chance to be whole is to love whatever gets in the way,
until it ceases to be an obstacle.’

okay, i think i gotta print that one out.

wow.

January 10, 2019

see the gift.

oh terri.
the universe is gonna make you
put your money where your mouth is, girl.

driving today.
a memory pops into my head.
i’m astonished.
i had never really seen it clearly before.
it leads to another astonishing ‘seeing’
of another past moment that i also never
quite saw before.

which all leads to this incredible moment of understanding.
and seeing something as a gift for the first time ever.

as i walked into the building,
pulling the door open into the wind,
i thought ‘SEE THE GIFT.’
don’t find it.
SEE it.

maybe find it and then see it.
cause you can’t see it without finding it.

but see it.

within two hours i was struggling with something that
i find very very very difficult.

driving again.

crumbling.

wanting to hide and just have the world go away.

and i heard a voice.

‘SEE the gift.’

shaking my head at the universe.

sometimes i feel like it likes to teach me until i really
get the lesson sunk into my bones.

see the gift in the struggles.
because it’s there.
and we need to see everything.
not just the struggle part.

yeah.
right.
i know.
i’m not so good at it.
but i’m workin’ on it.

January 9, 2019

offering light, offering love…

yesterday i wrote about offering light.
and keeping that in mind as much as i can.
and well, doing it.
you know, fighting my way thru the laziness.

and then, as it turned out,
i ended up working a lot on valentine’s day stuff.

i know it’s early – but if you’re actually supplying valentines –
it’s not early at all.
every year i kinda get hit by a bulldozer to wake me up
and go ‘oh yeah! love stuff!’

it wasn’t too long ago (a couple months tops)
that i was walking thru the store and something reminded me
of valentine’s day.

i felt really discouraged.
somehow i thought i could change valentine’s day into a good
holiday for people.
yeah, that was a little bit of a big goal, huh?!
and yeah, i haven’t been able to do it.
no surprise there.

but yesterday, i didn’t feel that discouragement.
i got excited all over again.

valentine’s day is a holiday that actually honors love.
i think that is the coolest thing.

i know people get hung up in the whole romantic part of it.
and i’m pretty sure i’m not gonna be able to unhook them
from that. i see that now. too big a goal. ๐Ÿ™‚

but! spreading love and reminders to love ourselves and
cherish those in our worlds is not too big a goal.

to stay the course takes some effort.
some digging past laziness.
same stuff as offering light.

love and light – i guess they’re the same thing.
different names for the same thing.

this morning i really really want to try again.
to spread love and celebrate february as love month.
i know it’s just one day.
but one day can’t hold it all.
and no, one month can’t either –
but it’s a start.

there are so many good things to focus on and offer.
i feel like my head – and heart – are finally back in the game.

picture this – you’re on your last day here on the planet
and someone comes up to you and asks you what you did with your life
and you answer – ‘i offered love.’

ohmygosh. that visual actually brings tears to my eyes.

let’s offer love.
let’s celebrate love.

January 8, 2019

light

i stood at my living room window this morning,
looking out at a beautiful sky.
honestly, sometimes i just can’t get over
the beauty all around us.

‘how can the world be so darn beautiful
and so darn ugly all at the same time?’ i wondered.

i had read a particularly ugly and disturbing story earlier,
and to stand there in front of this beauty after that –
well, it really kinda made my heart spin.

i looked at the light outside.
thinking about how much light matters and how the world
needs more of it, i was filled again with wanting to offer
light in my own world.

not in some big way.
but in all those little ways that are actually hard to do
because i have to keep them in mind, and i have to reach
beyond my own laziness and they’re so small, there isn’t
any recognition for them. the only one who knows is me.

it’s hard to keep in mind. it’s hard to do.
but when i can, it makes such a difference for me.

i want to keep it in mind more.
and i wanted to offer a reminder for anyone else who does as well.

it matters.
we just gotta keep at it.

and when we get low and unsure,
we can stand with the beauty of the world
and get filled up again. i love that part.

January 7, 2019

not okay anymore

i came across some old photos
of myself this weekend.
different ages –
all above 20 years old.

what struck me was how thin i was.
and how fat i felt.

i sat there staring at them just stunned.

how could i possibly have thought i was fat?

well, actually, i know how.
and the how has to do with other people.
and my believing them.

so my first reaction was anger at myself.
‘how COULD you believe that garbage and take it in
and not see at all?!’
but i’m pleased to say, i answered that with self compassion.
cause i was where i was and i was who i was.
and there were reasons for all of it.
and it’s all part of the road we travel.

okay.
i can understand that.
sure, there’s some sadness in it all for me.
but a whole lot of understanding as well.
and self compassion for sure.

here’s the cool part –
(well, the coolER part, cause that self compassion
part is pretty cool too!) –
this terri doesn’t have to do/believe/think the way that terri did.

i’ve come a long way baby.
and i have the strength to not only look,
but to see now.
(and no, i’m not just talking about my body image)

i am just recently coming out of a major funk.
a knocked me over and sent me spiraling time here.
the biggest lesson i got out of the whole deal
is how important it is to see clearly.
and i am bound and determined to do so.
in some cases it’s going to take some work.
but i’ve got the drive,
and i’m here rarin’ to go.
it is something i want to work at for the rest of my life.

looking at these pictures i saw how totally wrong i saw myself.
and that’s not okay any more.

i not only need to really see all those around me,
i have GOT to see me as well.
it honestly feels like the key to a healthy life.

i’m keeping these photos out as reminders.

it’s not about what anyone tells us,
or what we’ve been taught to believe.
it’s up to us to look, see and accept what is real.

and i can’t believe how easy it is to NOT do this.

i have a feeling it’s gonna be one heck of a year ahead.