my partner’s been struggling with some health stuff which has been quite the challenge.
thankfully, thankfully, that struggle seems to be letting up. my fingers are crossed we keep moving upward.
but one way or another, it’s been quite the learning experience for me.
there were times i just didn’t know how to handle it all. finally, finally, i just turned to the only thing i could adjust – me.
i have been doin’ a lotta inner work as well as outer work. i have never exercised so much in my life.
today, as i got off the treadmill, i realized that all this exercising has saved me.
it really has.
and i remembered another time in my life that i had turned to the treadmill as if it were a life line – i was dealing with some dark dark stuff that sometimes just overwhelmed me. so much so that i would start to feel insane. whenever i got that ‘insane’ feeling coming on, i hopped on the treadmill and ran on it til the feeling left. sometimes i did this multiple times a day. just stopping everything and hopping up for a run.
it saved me then. and now, a beautiful combination of exercises is saving me again.
and as i do some of them, i go to my inner world. where i can laugh and do things like roll into the lap of god.
inner world. outer world. they need each other. and i need to be slipping in and out of both in the best way possible when things are really hard.
right now it’s thru exercise.
i wanted to put this out there for anyone else struggling. sometimes it’s the last place we go when times are hard. but my gosh, sometimes it really should be the first.
hopefully things will just keep looking up here. but one way or another, i don’t want to stop the exercising now. i see the difference it makes in my life. and i’m a believer. not doin’ it cause i ‘have’ to any more. doin’ it cause i want to.
i have no idea when that happened, but i love that it did.
so much of life, i think, is about our reacting, instead of our living.
maybe that has to do with our need to control.
i’m going to be spending some time in the kitchen cooking today, and this is what i want to ponder. i’ll be thinking of ways in which i react, and what i would do different, if i were just being free with whatever came my way.
seems like a nice thing to ponder for the weekend. thought i’d leave it here with you as well.
ah yeah… it all started with the gutters. well, let me see…
maybe i’ll just clip what i posted on the bone sigh arts facebook page –
let’s start there –
good morning! i was cleaning out my gutters yesterday evening and doin’ the ‘what if you only had a year to live’ question in my head – what would i change about my life? what would i do? (and for anyone actually facing this, i apologize. i am not trying to be insensitive. it was something that pops into my head here and there.) so it kinda occurred to me i wouldn’t do a whole lot different, i really like the things i do, but it’s HOW i would do them. so like cleaning the gutters, i might still do that if they needed cleaning, but i’d do it with so much more mindfulness. i’d appreciate my house and the sky and the leaves in the gutter. that kinda thing. then i realized that if i really only had a year to live, i wouldn’t have the energy to go carting the ladder around and gettin’ up and down to the gutters. so i realized what i was really figuring out was how i want to live NOW. it had nothing to do with dying. that’s a whole different story. one i prolly won’t understand til i get there. so the living now – more intentional, more present, more aware, more in awe. i think i live that about 20% of my life right now. i thought ‘wow, what if i upped it to 60%?!’ – that doesn’t even seem that difficult, ya know? so as i type this i’m hearing my clock ticking, i love that sound. mixed with my typing. another sound i love. and feeling the softness of this warm sweater bob got me, and thinking how lucky i am. i’ll be heading into a hot shower that i want to totally experience! so there’s a pretty good start, huh?! wanna ramp up your living a bit? let’s do this! ….
so that’s what’s on my mind.
someone commented on how she wouldn’t be cleaning the gutters if she only had a year to live. i had to grin. of course she wouldn’t. who would?! i mean, really. but um… well… i might.
cause like i say – i LIKE what i do – if i do it mindfully. it can be most things. there prolly ARE a few things i’d totally skip. but gutter cleaning can be great fun, if i do it right.
so, that’s the thing – it’s in the doing. in the presence. in the gratitude.
and this is what is on my mind today.
i am tired today. but i keep thinking ‘so?’ ‘live mindfully anyway!’
and i keep looking out the window. because the trees are forever whispering that very thing.
discovery. it really really is a journey of discovery, isn’t it?!
when i started my ‘new’ life – i began to search like never before. ‘love’ was the start of it. wondering what it was and did it even really exist. and then it went on from there.
seems like with each big concept, i would get sucked in and everything around me seemed to be making a statement about whatever it was i was pondering.
well, that hasn’t stopped. and lately, on this bend of the road, it’s ‘health.’ being healthy.
i am swimming in a sea of thoughts on how health affects everything.
ALL health – body, mind and energy.
and i’m kinda stunned that it’s not one of those basic things – like reading or math – that we all are taught and learn as we go along.
i am feeling totally floored and wondering how it is that i haven’t put this together yet.
it’s so not just physical either. i just don’t think any one area is more important than the others. you need all of ’em to be as healthy as you can get ’em.
so, yeah, okay, great terri. but what if i’m in a terrible physical place? and i won’t ever get totally healthy that way? then what? i don’t know. i honestly don’t know. maybe we just try to get as healthy as we can with whatever the circumstances.
it’s the same with inner wounds. what if you’re just oozing inner wounds that are so big and so deep you aren’t ever gonna totally heal those?
i guess that maybe there’s a balancing act here, huh? of accepting that and moving as forward as you can at the same time. of believing that there will be limits, but there also will be limits you can knock down.
but i think the first thing – before any of that – is the understanding of how important health is.
and i feel like someone just turned on the lights and began to show me…
i think it’s the light. and the peace that it brings. but the other day, the thought of putting up my christmas tree came to me.
yes, it’s way too early. and no, i never wanted to put it up this early before.
i wrinkled my eyebrows with the thought. the ‘rules’ of seasons were squarely on my shoulders.
and yet, there was definitely a part of me that wasn’t convinced. and was workin’ on unsquaring those rules of mine.
and then! i saw a friend post a photo of his house decorated in lights! he had begun the holiday early! now, okay, to be fair – he is playing buddy, the elf, in the play, elf. and so he’s probably totally in the mood. that all makes sense.
but when i commented, i saw someone else was commenting almost at the same time – that she was feeling the same thing i was – she never put the tree up til after thanksgiving, but was feeling the pull now.
when i mentioned that i was too, she said she’d been hearing that a lot. and then! when i commented on all this on the bone sigh arts facebook page, i found others were also feeling this!
i find that really interesting.
is it the light and the peace a tree brings? maybe the weather is nice and cold? maybe we’re all just a little weary and looking for a boost? okay, not ALL of us. i know this makes a lot of people really cranky.
which, i gotta say, i don’t get. you don’t have to do it. but i don’t get the crankiness over early decorators. isn’t it great to see people doing something fun and light filled?! there isn’t anything negative about that. anyway…
this all delighted me and i thought hmmmm….maybe i WILL do this earlier than usual!
but the best part – absolutely the best part for me was my husband’s loving response when i mentioned all this. he just wanted me to be happy, and if it made me happy, then let’s do it!
he’s really good about not having to follow rules. i love that.
it’s been a hard few months here. okay, maybe longer. and yeah, i think that i need the light and peace a tree adds to my living room at night. and i think i’m gonna do this. maybe next week. maybe not. i’m just going to do it when the timing works out. which will have nothing to do with the calendar and everything to do with when it feels right.
and i like that a lot.
if you listen and something inside you says ‘yes, this will add to the peace here right now’ – how cool is it to even HEAR that?! and THEN to have a partner encourage you to act on it, and THEN to act on it.
well, yeah. i like this a lot. pass the tinsel – this will happen before too long!
wanted to share a little tid bit of mark nepo that i read the other day. i love every bit of this –
“But tell me, who taught us to record what we see as knowledge, only to confirm it to ourselves as truth? Oh, I want to stay in conversation with you for a very long time. Till our talk undoes the talker, unraveling the mouth of Eternity. Under all our names, we have but one, which waits like an ocean for us to enter. When together like this, in the open, I feel the one name. I find comfort in the vastness of your company.”
beautiful, yes? just wanted to share a little beauty today…
so i had this moment yesterday. it really sent some zing through me.
and to my great joy, noah was there as well, so he could confirm it to me later and to my family as i tried to tell them the story.
i had posted yesterday’s blog – the thing about halloween and the thin veil between the worlds. i had thought about people i had lost and wondered where they were and how it all worked.
and then i just hunkered in for a busy day. wasn’t going to go anywhere. was a quiet day at home.
but a couple of unexpected things happened, and i found myself pulling into the lowes parking lot, with noah (my son) in my car. as i got out, i noticed the woman sitting in the truck next to my car. i looked over, as i thought i might be in her way, and i wanted to smile and let her know i was gonna get out of her way if she was about to get out of her truck as well.
and when i looked over, i saw – wow – the woman was the spitting image – and i mean TRULY spitting image – of someone i had lost. an elderly neighbor whom i had shared a bond with.
and the look she gave me… well, it was really unusual. it was quiet and knowing and… odd? mysterious? otherworldly? i just don’t know.
and no, she wasn’t goin’ anywhere. she was just sitting there.
so, anyway, i can go on and on about the moment, but you get the idea. it was startling. and wonderful. and full of zing.
and you know what? i cannot stop thinking about it. and i wonder. cause i’ve heard all the zillions of stories, have some of my own stories, and just really wonder, ya know?
and now… with this whole ‘vastness’ thing i’m trying to hold – how the heck does any of it fit together?!
how the heck does any of it make sense?!
yeah, i guess it doesn’t. and yeah, i guess that’s the beauty and the awe of it all.
today as i look out at the most gorgeous fall, first of november day, and think of all of this, i just feel humbled, awed, and filled with gratitude. which seems perfect as we head into ‘gratitude month.’
i don’t understand any of it. but i sure wanna live all of it.