journal

musings and ponderings…

April 21, 2017

trying to tie them together…

i’m thinking this might work –
taking two thoughts and workin’ them together.

thought one – ever since i read a beautiful poem the other day,
i’ve been thinking about being a violin.
a violin that plays the music of life.
or of god.
or both.

what an image, huh?
not mine. got it from hafiz.

i am so taken with it.
i just find it stunning.

it kinda changes things for me.

i’m the instrument that lets the music come thru me.

i love that.

i know.
not really a new thought.
but boy, it sure hit me right the other day.
and somehow i felt like i could hold it.

thought two – there’s different parts inside me wrestling right now.
some of the parts have served their purpose and need to leave.
but they’re fighting the newer parts that are coming in. there’s
a whole big wrestling match goin’ on.

what if i keep the violin in mind?
what if i tie these thoughts together?
what if stop wrestling and start playing music?

no. i have no idea how.
but i do believe that’s what i’ll be thinking about this weekend.

maybe the next time i feel the tug of war,
i’ll sit back and let go and listen for the music.

that’s my plan at the moment.

could be awesome cool, ya know?

music

April 20, 2017

dibbs on this one!

i had a thought that put life in perspective
for me this morning as i walked.

suppose life worked like this –
everyone gets a struggle. okay, more than one.
but we’ll start with one.
every single person.

and there’s a list that gets passed around with all
the struggles you could have.

bomb drops on your town
cancer
child dies

get the idea?
yeah, a big long list.

and i see the thing i was struggling over on the list.

ahem.

right there.
and it sure seems like it got on the list by accident,
cause it ain’t nothin.

i see it.

‘ohhh! ohhh! ohh!’

‘i got dibbs on that one!’ i holler.
and i grab it with great glee and gratitude.

cause, really? it ain’t nothin.

you know what?
this completely put my ‘problem’ in perspective today.

thought i’d toss it out there for anyone else it might help.

i’m gonna try to keep this one in mind.

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April 19, 2017

revamping mother’s day!

oh you guys,
if i could be king of the world,
i’d really love to revamp all the holidays!

just sent out the weekly email that covers this subject
and two new prints we have for mother’s day.

come on over and check it out!

you can find it here.

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April 18, 2017

expectations

we had friends over this weekend.
and sitting around the table, one of them shared
something great she had read or heard –

no one ever breaks your heart.
they break your expectations.

bam.
that hits, doesn’t it?!

i grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and wrote it down.

i know expectations are a problem.
and they get me into trouble over and over again.
and when i’m in tune with living, i pay attention to them.
i stay aware and work on not getting trapped by them.
but mostly i forget, have them, and get myself hurt over and over again.

i thought this was a beautiful way to put it.
and a wonderful thing to keep in mind!

and maybe the next time i feel hurt,
i can remember this phrase and put it all into perspective from there.
ahem.
or work on that anyway.

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April 17, 2017

i thought it was kinda cool…

i had been listening to ‘jesus christ superstar’
the past few weeks. i do every year at easter time.
and each year i get something different out of it.
so i really enjoy that tradition.

i found this year intriguing.
as i listened to all the different people in the opera,
i thought about how i had a piece of each one inside of me.
every single one of ’em.
the more i listened, the more intrigued i became.

i liked i could own all the feelings and traits.
that felt honest to me.
and helped me look at myself.
and i didn’t feel like it was just me.
i felt like we all have all this inside of each one of us.

on easter morning, i found myself in the car with two of my sons.
as i was telling them about this,
i started describing what i heard and what i felt.
and i realized something –
the traits that i was recognizing were the shadow kinda traits –
or at the very least – traits we’d consider ‘weaker’
arrogance, dishonesty, confusion, neediness, on and on….

that realization felt delicious to me.
here it was easter morning and i was putting it together in my head –
and i came up with the symbolism of us all having all these weaker
or darker or shadowish kinda stuff in us – and the symbolism of jesus
in this whole interpretation thing i was doing – being the light, the good,
the stronger – the healthy stuff.

and how if we let it, the darker stuff can try to kill the good stuff inside us.
but the good stuff won’t be killed.
it CAN rise again.

ha!
talk about an easter message for your inner self!

i thought that was the coolest thing!
and i hadn’t put it all together until easter morning.
ha!
sometimes ya just gotta love the way things fall into place.

so what do i do with all this?
i enjoy the thought process.
i own all the parts of me.
and i believe more and more in the strength of my goodness.

kinda cool.

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April 13, 2017

full moon

i wrote this after my walk this morning.
wanted to share –

……..

walking out of the house,
my mind was like an old metal government desk –
nothing sturdy or fresh about it.
stacked with mountains of folders stuffed with
paper after paper.
bold type alerted the reader to urgent matters,
one after the other, after the other after the other
while different papers were covered in words too small to read.
lost in the dust, i was unaware of the weariness.
until i saw the moon.
it is with her i understand love at first sight.
it is with her that i instantly lose myself and become myself.
it is with her that my heart spins centered.
this morning, it was with her that i understood why she comes
to me full and sits with me.
i finally grasped the science of it.
for in her fullness i can bring my fullness and sit with her.
and nothing is as healing as a full moon.
this she knows.
this she offers.
it is with humbleness i accept her invitation and walk with her.
sit with her.
and fall in love once again.

 

she and the moon

April 12, 2017

takin’ a moment…

more than one friend right now
has some scary health stuff goin’ on.

and then a customer came thru with some real hard
life stuff happening to her. so big, she’s having
trouble just making it thru the day.

i wanted to just make space here today.
for them.
for you.
and for anyone you know who can use it.

what do you do when you’re just so scared?
or when you’re just so lost?
or when you’re just so hurt and full of pain?

the only thing i can think of is to breathe.

let’s just stop and breathe a little bit.
and maybe for a few moments don’t do anything else
but breathe and be.

maybe we can do that here and there.
together.
maybe it’ll help you find a few moments of peace.

and maybe we can gather those moments and hold them.

you’re not alone.
there are many of us out here breathing right along with you today.

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April 11, 2017

celebrating today…

maybe it was the cup of coffee early this morning
under the moon with friends.
maybe it was typing out a note to a friend trying
to explain how i am so happy with my life now…
maybe it’s that second cup of coffee i’m having as i type…
who knows…

but!
i’m thinking i just haven’t really celebrated my life enough
and i’m going to intentionally celebrate it today!

i was an entirely different person way back when i was married.
i see how healthy i have gotten since i left that life.
and it was no easy gain, that’s for sure.
determined to make it difficult for me, my ex forced growth
outta me that may not have come any other way.
i’m just realizing that he quite possibly was my angel.

one thing is clear to me, i am so much stronger than i was years back.

all the darn trauma of that time, all the complete desperation
to make life work and support my boys, all the intense focus
on just surviving really didn’t leave room to celebrate.

and….a new life doesn’t just pop out in one day.
it grows and grows and grows.

it’s still growing.

but wow – i like who i am now.
and i love my life.
i’m growing stronger every day.
and THAT is something i want to celebrate today!

maybe we should ALL celebrate our lives today!
if we’ve been so busy creating them, maybe we’ve forgotten
to celebrate them!

let’s have a party!
here’s to us! and our lives!

dancing

April 10, 2017

scenes from the races

i went to the drag races yesterday with
some of my fellas.

this was the first time i ever took a pen and paper.
i jotted down a few things i saw.
it was sooooo much fun i wanted to share some of ’em –

their backs were so big they caught her attention.
really large backs.
do they carry extra heavy burdens
or do they tackle all their troubles to the ground?

roses on her head,
gum in her mouth.
heart on her shoulder.
laughter in her eyes.
scar on her face.

red solo cups.
fence leaning.
laughter growing louder.

dressed for church
or a business meeting
he sits alone
at the track.

round as a mountain
with bright green sneakers
he carries his fries like a football.

they screech by
crouched down low
deep into their roars
lost in speed and noise.
silly silly boys.

it’s the leaning over that the tall do –
the tall who have crammed three lifetimes
of labor into one.
the lean that curls to the right
and weighs heavy on the fence.

tattooed arm
with lime green admittance bracelet
reaches up to nudge the sunglasses higher.

gray ponytail hanging out of camo cap.
feet shifting back and forth.

white pants stretched tight over swaying hips.
he turns and follows her.

she could pull it off –
the bleach blonde against the brown skin.
the tattoo under the criss-cross straps.
it’s no easy road that brings you that ability.

round and brown,
thin and white,
they shook hands at the end.

he drove the car
she the golf cart
and somehow it worked.

how come camo wearers don’t worry about
everyone else wearing the same shirt?

and then finally – i don’t think it had anything to do with the races –
we were walkin’ out and a helicopter landed to meet an ambulance.

helicopter stands ready.
traffic stops.
we wait.
i pray.

thinking of whoever that was and wishing them peace…

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April 7, 2017

huh.

something occurred to me about healing.
it’s actually about as simple as you get.

healing matters.

yeah.

go figure.

that’s it.

here’s a few rambly thoughts to go with it.

there’s a whole lotta really cool goals we can have in life.
and a whole lotta not really cool goals. either way. doesn’t matter.

whatever they are, healing doesn’t necessarily have to be
part of the process to achieve those goals.

you don’t have to actively be working on healing the wounds
inside you to reach your goals.

you certainly don’t have to be healed to be a great artist!
pick anything – wanna be a great engineer? no inner healing required.
make a positive difference in someone’s life? doable without healing.

for whatever reasons, i happened to stumble upon a goal for myself
that actually requires healing to achieve it. so it’s kinda part of the process
for me to keep workin’ on stuff inside me.

but for a whole lotta goals i can think of – you don’t need it.

do you need healing to be happy?
oh shoot…i guess that gets complicated, doesn’t it?!
think i’ll just leave that question on the shelf for now.

but i think what’s happening for me now is that i am concentrating
on the healing process enough, that i notice when it’s being worked on or not.

i am not sure any of us ever get ‘healed.’
i think there’s always a struggle with wounds.
but i guess i’m thinking that the process of working towards ‘healed’ makes a difference.
a much bigger difference than i had really thought about before.

it’s not just a side thing that maybe we do some days
and maybe we just don’t do it this year…
and whatever.

i think it matters a lot.

why?

wait a minute!
why??

i have no good answer to that question except for myself.
it matters a lot TO ME. i can’t reach my goals without it.

ha!

is that a golden nugget i’ve ┬ájust found?
it matters to ME.
and maybe it’s okay if it doesn’t matter to someone else.

it’s my view for me.

and you know what? after watching a few examples around me of people
not respecting different viewpoints – maybe i just found the gold.
maybe it’s not that healing matters.
maybe it’s that healing matters TO ME.
and i don’t need to take it any further than that.

wow.

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