an intense course

yeah….we all know…
it is one heck of a difficult time that
we’re in right now.
that’s not news.
everyone knows it.
i think most people are feeling that.
altho, i’m sure, as in all things,
there are a million different angles
to each person’s difficult time.
and way too much assuming about
what the other feels.

what i’m struggling with may certainly not be
what you’re struggling with, and on and on it goes
person to person.

so, obviously, i can only speak for myself.

so this is mine.
today i’m owning it.
tomorrow i may change my mind.
today tho, it’s mine.

i don’t think i’ve ever felt this discouraged about humanity.
i have tried different things to navigate thru.
some work, some don’t.
but what i am really starting to see now is what an incredible
opportunity i have in front of me to really learn how to love.

i’m serious.

and there’s no way i’m being all rosy glasses fluffy about this.

this is hard, incredibly stretching work.

with that in the front of my mind the last few days,
i watched my reactions to people –
many of them weren’t real good.
many of the reactions were downright bad.
but that’s okay.
at this point, i can’t stop them. they’re like a reflex.
they just come.

the muscle comes from keeping them to myself,
stepping back for a moment or two or ten
and reminding myself to really look.
really look and see the person.
see their intentions.
remember them.
and honor their hearts.
to try to see the whole picture.
all the while keeping in mind that there’s a ton i don’t understand.

when i do that, i find the reaction that i let  out much different
than my first one i kept in.

this is all basic stuff, yes?
of course, terri.

thing is – judging from what i’m seeing,
not a whole lotta people are thinking beyond their reactions,
and they certainly are letting them out quickly without a lotta thought.

well, all the more practice for me, i guess.

this isn’t easy.
in fact, it’s exhausting.

it’s no little thought.
but i am working it so hard, i’m seeing that it’s totally
like i’m in an intense course.
and there’s no way i’m gonna come out of this the same
as i went in. i do think i can let it change me for the worse.
i think that’s a possibility.
but here’s the thing –
that’s not the point of the course.
and i’m in it for the learning.
i WANT to learn how to really be love.
that will keep me on track.

even if it makes me really really tired and discouraged sometimes.
it will keep me on track.
and i don’t think i can lose.

and something that has been helpful is people’s total lack
of seeing each other.
that’s actually helpful.
cause there’s no way i’m doing this for anyone to say
‘way to go, terri’
cause i don’t expect to be seen.

somehow that adds to the intensity and the drive.
there’s no expectation of any real pay off except inside myself.
this one’s all mine.

and i’m gonna work it as hard as i can.

yeah, i’m tired. and sometimes so very discouraged,
and yet….i do see – i have been given one heck of a classroom.
and it’s mine for the taking.
that’s no little gift, is it?!

so, picture me, hunched over one of those little desks with
the top connected to the seat. a paper in front of me that i’m
trying to answer the questions on,
and i’m busily erasing and erasing and erasing some of the things
i wrote. there’s a pile of eraser crumbs next to my seat on the floor.
my hair is hanging in my face, and i’m concentrating hard.

that’s where i’ll be.
tryin’ over and over and over again.
rubbing my forehead here and there, and wondering when’s lunch?

offering

i found out last nite that a friend of mine
lost her daughter yesterday.

as if that’s not heavy enough,
she has already endured some pretty intense losses.

it felt like an extra hard punch in the gut when i heard.
and i haven’t been able to stop thinking about her.
and wondering how she’s standing up today.
maybe she’s not.
but somehow, i bet she is.

so i started that original offering yesterday, right?
well i sat myself down this morning and said ‘okay, this is therapy
and i need some.’ and i just sat quietly and made this piece.

i put it up on etsy in hopes that someone else who was feeling
like i was might find it and get it.

so much sorrow.
it’s overwhelming sometimes.
and then i think of the gift of being here and how it is a gift.
and how a man i just met at the grocery store said he believes graittude
needs to be seen in actions. isn’t that a gorgeous thought?

so, while i know those who are deeply grieving right now can’t even get
near the concept of gratitude – i know that i can. and i want to put it
into action today, and maybe a little extra for those who can’t just yet.

i’ll be workin’ on this all day.

what a balance living is.

if you’re interested in seeing the piece i put up, you can find it here.

well that did me a world of good!

i sent out the weekly email today
explaining my latest therapy/offering.
i’ll link it here as it explains everything
and gives you the link to the piece.

and i am absolutely thrilled to say that
the first offering sold! this is so good for me.
it felt like such an affirmation, and it gives
me something healing to do for myself.
and makes me feel like i’m offering something.

so, if you’ve got a minute, click here to find
the whole explanation.

what if i could do both?

i watched a documentary on my hero,
stevie ray vaughan the other day.
i didn’t like it.
i felt like they missed everything that
mattered. they missed all of his soul.

but i’m glad i saw it anyway,
cause it got me thinking about him all over again.

he really was a catalyst in my life changing.
i saw his passion.
i saw how he lost himself in what he did
and connected to something beyond him.
i saw something i wanted in my own life.

and it wasn’t long after that when my life exploded.

all these years later – post explosion – i think about my journey
into finding my own passion, my own connections to source,
my own ways of getting lost in something beyond me.

and what i see as i look back is this incredible
road into getting healthier and healthier.

that’s something stevie didn’t have a chance to do.
he grew up in one heck of an environment and it truly
didn’t nurture healthy growth. finally he found sobriety
and i believe  he was turning toward healthy – but then he died.
he never had a chance to really work the getting his inner act together.
ohmygosh – if he had, i just can’t even imagine where he would have taken his life.

wow.

so i got to thinking about that –
what if i can do both?
what if i can find ways to connect to something beyond me,
to really live in my passion – AND – to really be healthy at the same time?
what if i’ve been working my way more and more into that space?

woe.
and once again the whole ‘being healthy’ idea takes on more than
i realized it could. once again, i am fueled to go down that road deeper and deeper.

and i am reminded to keep my passions in the forefront of my mind.

it is up to us what we choose to dance with and how we choose to dance.

stevie reminded me once again to fall head first right into that dance!

i noticed her. i needed her.

yeah,
so i guess facebook isn’t known
for it’s thought filled posts and
complicated answers –
in fact, if you want to go somewhere
and get all of life’s answers in one
easy meme, that’s the place to go.

i know that.
but i refuse to believe it’s all that way.
it can’t be, i told myself.
and just as i was thinking okay, terri – maybe it is –
i saw her.

someone trying to stand up in a crowd of easy answers
and hatred and say ‘hey, we gotta stop and look at all this.
we gotta see where it’s all coming from.’

i could feel my heart sigh in relief as i read her post.

and then i saw it –
the responses.
the quick, judgmental, righteous responses.

really???
to someone who’s just saying ‘let’s stop and understand.’

really?

yes. really.
cause that’s the way we roll these days.
and i don’t know, maybe that’s the way we always rolled.
only now i get to see it really clearly.

and my gosh, i find that tragically sad.

i thought of trying to argue the righteous comments she got.
and shook my head.
why?
nothing can be heard.
so i ignored them, and just posted my own gratitude for her
courage and her heart.

i needed her.
i needed to believe that more than shallow righteous thinking exists.

and there she was. right there for me.
and i know…….when i really stop…..it’s there.

i forget it’s there because the righteous can be so loud.
the righteous never sit quietly and spend time wondering if
their voice adds to the mix or not.

and make no mistake – every single one of us is righteous.
it’s just a a matter of how often we express it.
how often we don’t take the time to think thru what we’re saying.

i’m thinking we should all get one moment a year we get to be righteous.
and then we’re not allowed to anymore. after that we have to stop
and be quiet and think and actually listen to other people.

we would be required to use the energy that we would use to be righteous
and learn to listen. learn to think deeper and deeper and deeper.

wow…i’m thinking that’s a pretty good rule.
can’t enforce it anywhere but myself……so maybe that’s where i should start.

sigh.
always always it comes back to making myself more.
no easy job.
so i turn my eyes from others –
and once again, i work on myself…

starting to get it now!

i think it was cause it was kinda gray out.
overcast.
i was busy in my back yard among the trees,
and lost to what i was doin’.
and the lighting –
for a moment, the lighting kinda tricked
something in my brain.
the lighting made me feel like it was evening.
and it all reminded me of being a kid.

i guess back then i was outside more in the evenings.
and you know that feeling?
like you never ever want to go inside again?
like you can live outside forever and you’d
be perfectly okay with that?

i had that feeling.
just like a kid would have.

later i got to wondering about that.
how come i’m feeling that kinda thing more and more?
more and more i can just get lost in what i’m doin’.
i can feel so good.

and i think maybe it’s cause i don’t have to take care
of anyone anymore!

i was outside a lot as a mother of three kids.
but then i was always watching everyone, watching the clock,
watching all of the things you watch as a mom.

then, i guess, maybe i was swept up in creating my business.
and getting thru hard times.

and on and on, right?

but now……it’s quiet. and i can go get lost in myself.
and that’s happening more and more easier and easier.

all this wrestling i’ve done about mid-life,
all the struggling with not being a mom anymore,
all the uncertainty of this new era –

i think…maybe…just maybe….i’m not wrestling much anymore.
i’m not struggling much anymore.
like, maybe i’ve done enough of that.

and now….without all that…..
well, gosh, it’s kinda darn nice.

go figure.

it’s kinda darn nice.

under the trees

“it had been a lifetime for others –
and now she wanted to know herself.
sitting under the trees,
she asked herself how she was feeling
and she began to really listen.”

wonderous

so i bumped into a really cool guy
in the grocery store today.
he works in the meat department
and since i’m a vegetarian,
i haven’t had any chance to talk to him.
until today…

one thing led to another and he ended up
telling me about a near death experience
he had when he was six.

you don’t get a near death experience
without an awful story that goes before that,
ya know?

and as i listened to the story,
i looked at the man the six year old had grown
into and i was thinking how lucky i was to get to
be standing there talking to him. that he was alive
and here and healthy.

so there’s that – the miracle of standing there looking at him
knowing he didn’t have to be here. (and yes! i want to look
at everyone that way! and no. i don’t.)
there’s the incredible story of him hovering over himself
as he’s being operated on.
that’s just mind blowing to really think about.
and there’s all the things tied into that.

so there’s a lot.

but this is prolly my biggest take away –

he was super nice. extra nice. noticeably nice.

i’ve seen him many times before chatting with the customers,
have heard his booming voice being friendly with everyone in his path.

now it occurs to me – possibly for the first time? –
that people who are unusually noticeably nice, prolly have a story
behind them that has helped make them so.

why hadn’t i thought of that before?
i have certainly thought of that before with the grouches i have met.
but not so sure if i thought about it with the people with extra light.

i’m absolutely gonna keep this in mind now.
and maybe stop and ask that extra nice person – ‘what’s your story?’
cause i’m betting it’s an inspiring one!

everyone’s got a story.
so many many stories walking around with us.
i’m thinking maybe i want to hear more, listen more, learn more.

oh the things we can hear!

i’m in!

grief

yesterday i posted a poem that
i can’t stop thinking about!
which is so cool, isn’t it?!
(did you read it? it’s right below
this post.)

what i got from it is a great story
to work with in my head.

just the idea that if i get weighed down
by something, the gods are right out there
giving me light in a million different ways.
and i can take that light and not be so heavy.

and that i should pay attention and look for it.

i don’t know….it just really hit me right.
and i’ve been holding it ever since.
i liked ‘the gods’ part too.
the plural.
i’m usually just a singular god kinda gal.
but for some reason, it really hit nice.
i like to think of a group of gods in on this
light offering thing. it’s a good visual.

then this morning on facebook, a couple of people
wrote about grieving today. and i thought about grief.
how sometimes it doesn’t matter how much light the gods
hand you – sometimes you can’t lift your head to see it.

thankfully, most times aren’t that dark.
but some days are.

so i thought of the people grieving today.
and i remembered how dark and heavy it is.
i wanted to post my favorite grieving piece.
the quote means a lot to me and has helped me on some dark days.
some times it hasn’t cause there really wasn’t much of anything
that could help.
other times, it did.

so i wanted to offer that.
just because.

and as i was thinking about both these things,
i got excited –
maybe sometimes the gods offer light thru me!
or thru you! sometimes WE’RE THEIR TORCHES, aren’t we?!

i mean, we all know that.
we all know that we can be light for each other.
but i don’t know – i think being so taken with this story idea
of the gods offering me light when i’m heavy has made the idea
of me being light for someone else extra awesome.

definitely something to keep in mind as we move thru our days,
don’t you think?

let’s be torches!

and in an effort to be so –
i wanted to gently offer this bone sigh.
i have it as a print and with a different design as a greeting card.
the greeting card is darker….but i kinda like that.
but i guess i’ll post the print here….
(if you want to see the greeting card, it’s called ‘weeping’
and you can find that here.)

…..

honoring you

“weeping and aching,
i longed to honor your passing.
i longed to honor your life.
searching everywhere,
i found only one answer.
honor myself.
become all that i am.
and carry you inside that beauty. ”

oooOOOooohh…..

a friend of mine follows a blog
that i hadn’t heard of before,
but will now be paying attention to!

it’s called ‘First Sip’.
and you can find it here.

the woman behind that blog is claudia cumminns
who you can find here.

and the thing that brought me over this morning
was this quote –

this marvelous quote!

which i intend to print out and read often –
i totally wanted to share!
(hey, and i just noticed! he doesn’t capitalize!)

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

— by Charles Bukowski

magical

i got to do something this weekend
that i don’t think i have ever done
in my whole entire life!

i got to sit in the middle of a river
on a boat
under the moon
right in the path of the moonlight on the water…

ohmygosh.

i had no idea what i’ve been missing.

it was so incredibly magical.

just like everyone else in the world,
i’ve heard stories of mermaids and fairies
and all kindsa magical things.

i have always delighted in them
and loved them.
and never once thought about why we had those stories.

they just were.

but as i sat there on the river
looking at the diamonds of light dancing on the water,
it totally hit me that we HAD to have magical stories.
they had to be here.
there’s no way they couldn’t be.
cause we have to do something with this magic that we witness.

for some reason,
this realization seemed important to me.

maybe because i feel like i have to do something with it too.
not sure what.

but it’s so overwhelmingly wonderful
that it’s hard to hold inside.
it somehow just has to tumble out.

i guess that’s with everything that’s overwhelming, isn’t it?
sorrow, joy, horror – anything that just fills you so much that
you can’t hold it all.

friday nite it was magic for me.

and i love even more now that there’s stories of mermaids and fairies.