musings and ponderings…
it
had been
tinged
with the
holy.
and she knew it.
the gratitude
and awe
filled her.
bowing,
she thanked the universe.
doing her best to honor
the gift
she had been given,
she turned
and walked deeper
into
the
trust.
thank you for traveling
by my side through it all.
it has been an honor.
with much love,
terri
look what i found.
i hope you can read it.
this was an artist statement i had
with a gallery that i was once a part of.
dreams.
apparently they matter to me.
apparently they’ve been talking to me a long long time.
i started bone sighs at the end of my 40th year.
and now at the beginning of my 60th,
i am setting them down.
because of a dream.
when i read this, i just kinda stopped.
the tears welled up in my eyes.
there’s a cathedral inside of me.
i’m headin’ in to go find out more about it.
and i think it needs to be quiet
for me to really do that.
i feel so incredibly lucky.
i gotta tell ya…
this is all weird to me.
i thought i would at least keep the blog.
but as i drove to the post office this morning,
i could just feel it inside of me –
no.
let it go.
wow.
so, okay.
i am going to plan on finishing up here on friday.
go figure.
but i’m going to leave the blog itself up,
and i’m pretty sure the guys will want to post their
‘we’ve got the ship now!’ announcement here.
so keep your eyes out for that.
and i imagine there will be blog posts here and there.
once in awhile? i would guess?
so i don’t know, if you want to keep up with that,
maybe do a subscribe thing where it lets you know
that there’s a post? i don’t even know exactly how you
do that, but if you see that option, and you feel like it,
you can try that.
the nudge i’m getting is to really step away and
step into some quiet.
my understanding is that the guys will still be
sending out the quote of the day. if you don’t get
that and want to, you can sign up here –
as far as keeping in touch –
i’m out here.
will keep the same email.
don’t want to type it here because of spam stuff,
oh…. i can.
i just have to be cryptic about it. 🙂
soooo put it together –
terri at bone sigh arts dot com
ha!
there ya go.
i’m there if you want me.
i’m also over on mewe.
here’s the link to that.
https://mewe.com/i/terristcloud
(i feel incredibly positive about mewe
and am so grateful it exists.
if you have any reservations, i gotta tell ya,
facebook is really the place to be nervous about.
not mewe.)
this is just so odd.
i’ll be rambling for the next couple of days,
but i want to take a moment to thank you for
traveling with me here.
sometimes i wondered why i even bothered with this.
and then, every now and then, one of you would
encourage me without even realizing i needed it!
your presence has made a difference in my life.
i can’t even begin to express my gratitude.
what a journey we are gifted with.
raising my glass to you and our journeys!
go figure!
i guess i needed to get this announcement
outta the way –
yesterday i sent out word that this whole retirement
thing is ACTUALLY happening!
kinda darn fast!
you can find that here.
up until then,
and a bit afterwards,
i was feeling all kindsa things.
terror was on top of the list!
sadness definitely mixed in.
hope for good things was a big part.
but not joy.
UNTIL!
until this morning.
it started comin’ on in, baby!
and i could feel this weight slipping off
as the joy slipped in.
WOW!
wow.
i am so excited about this.
i have NO idea where i’m goin’,
what i’m doin’,
and how to make sense out of any of it.
but to have a weight slip off
while joy slips in –
well, that just makes me cry with gratitude.
i just never know what’s gonna happen
inside me, ya know?
and following because you’re sposed to follow,
well, yeah, it sounds great,
but it sure is scary.
and gosh.
i am just so darn grateful to feel good this morning.
and something that really hit me today?
i started all this to feed my kids.
to raise my kids.
i did it.
my gosh, i did it.
i am truly falling to my knees in gratitude today.
so i realized something last nite.
if i don’t know how something is going to work out,
let me find at least one path that could work.
if i can figure out ONE thing that works,
even if it’s not what i’ll end up doing,
it offers me enough peace of mind
that i can open to possibilities easier.
and it opens me back up to hope.
i could explain to you what i’m talking about in my life,
but i feel like that would muddy the point.
i’m thinking this point might work in a lotta
different scenarios. so i want to leave my details out of it.
i feel discouraged when nothing looks like it’s
gonna work out for me the way i want.
so, okay, don’t we all?
then what?
well, then i get desperate and try to think outside
the box a bit. try to come up with a different idea.
it’s in that brainstorming that i usually can hit
on SOMETHING that will work. even if not ideal.
and maybe that’s enough.
maybe that’s all we need to do.
then we know we can breathe,
and sit back a little bit more and watch a little
bit more. and maybe that brings us back to trust.
i think for me it does, anyway.
i’d love it if i could just stay on the darn
trust train all the time.
but i don’t seem to be that skilled yet.
so i just saw this happen
and realized i need to keep it in mind.
just find a path, any path,
tuck that in your back pocket,
and then watch.
is that cheating in the trust department?
maybe.
or is it being part of the process?
maybe.
just know it worked for me just now.
i found this just now!
i did a series at some point
called ‘love notes to myself’
trying to encourage me,
trying to encourage you –
to pay more attention to the act of
really seeing, really loving our depths.
i found this one and smiled.
i wrote this years ago.
it made me stop and think this morning.
i feel like i see myself so much better these days.
i can feel a comfort and a relaxation in myself
that i never had before.
i have definitely gotten better at the SEEING part.
i hear from different women that this comes
at this time of life. and i can feel it.
interestingly enough though –
i’m not sure i stop to love myself any more than
i ever did before.
not sure i’ve gotten better at the LOVING part?
is there a difference between being comfortable
in yourself and actually loving yourself?
i’m kinda thinking there is.
and now i’m wondering if that will come
more naturally in my 60’s. (60th birthday this year!)
how much of all this is actually a process
that naturally happens if we open to it?
i got a jolt of excitement here with that thought.
i’m doing everything i can to step into the changes
that are happening in my life right now.
retiring and moving.
moving didn’t scare me at all.
retiring has terrified me!
i have kinda narrowed down some of the reasons
for the terror, and that helps.
but what also helps is the idea of stepping into
the future the best i can and realizing THAT will
open up the process even more and give me more
space to open to the love for myself.
woe.
i wonder if that is part of the terror i’m feeling
as well? i wonder if part of me knows that?!
and part of me freaks out about that?!
laughing, clapping and freaking out all at once!
what a journey!
oh what would we do without our friends?!
so my buddy stopped by my blog that talked about
the ‘losing ourselves’ in the creation process.
(how that’s the beauty of it – that’s the part i like.)
but you know what that blog completely left out?!
THE FINDING OURSELVES part!
my friend ever so gently slipped that in a comment she left.
and there it sat for me to find.
like the most beautiful present sitting there.
and when i saw it, i gasped in delight!
OF COURSE!
and my gosh, that’s a huge thing for me right now.
simply huge!
here i am talking about making really big life changes,
creating the life i want –
and i’m leaving out the part that i’ll find more of myself
through this whole process.
i keep thinking about being who i want to be as i work
on creating a new life. kinda trying to concentrate there.
i have been forgetting about all the discoveries that are waiting for me –
as long as i open to the actual act of CREATING.
wow.
good stuff, my friend.
good stuff.
ha!
high five!
so i was cleaning through all my creative stuff.
organizing as best anyone can a buncha odds and ends.
paint and paper and material and sewing stuff and clay
and clay stuff and soap making supplies and…
well, you get the idea…
there was a LOT of creative goodies to organize.
and i got to thinking about the whole concept of ‘creating.’
i love to make all kindsa things.
but not really for whatever it is that gets made.
it’s more of the play involved in the making.
ooooh.
ooooh.
did you read that?
‘it’s the play involved in the making.’
that’s what it is for me!
‘play’ might not always be the right word.
i don’t know what word really covers it?
‘freedom’ comes to mind.
or
oneness.
forgetting yourself.
stepping outta yourself.
that kinda thing.
and i’m finding this really interesting to type
because before i started typing this,
i had also got to pondering about what it was
that i REALLY wanted to create.
and i was thinking about how just living your life
was such a beautiful act of creating.
and maybe that’s where our greatest art is.
in the creation of our lives.
and maybe THAT is what i really want to create.
and now….put that thought with this other thought
about the process – the forgetting yourself, stepping
outta yourself, playing…
well gosh.
ooooh.
i like this.
i can tell you this –
i have been too caught up in myself,
in the world, in stuff i don’t want to be caught up in.
and i can tell you that it’s getting in the way of really
creating what i want.
hmmmmm……..
my husband just left for the day.
i think i’ve got some playing i gotta do –
and some releasing i gotta do –
and some gettting outta myself i gotta do –
and i just got handed a good hunk of quiet time
to do it in.
ha!
let’s go!
i pulled my intention cards this morning.
i was only gonna pull one.
and then pull a hope card, right?
i love the combination of the two.
but when i went to pull the first one,
THREE got stuck together.
so, okay,
maybe i need those three.
let me see.
and my gosh –
did i ever!
watch.
hope.
delight.
yes!
perfect!
i had been thinking before that –
something like –
‘wherever you are, there you are.’
ya know?
that whole thing.
about you take you with you wherever you go.
so who do you want to be?
and specifically for me right now,
who do i want to be as i travel this whole
life transition that is happening.
i have been trying too hard to control it.
cause, well, i like control.
and i want to make sure this works ‘right.’
snort.
so toss in a couple of snow storms right when
we PLAN to travel to remind me –
i can’t control life.
so i realized that last nite –
like, really realized.
now, i can try to control while i tell myself
i’m not trying to control.
i can be tricky with myself.
so i told myself i need to just let it be.
and then this morning i reminded myself
that i want to be someone who can go with
the flow here and get the good stuff outta
the transition.
and then –
yeah –
those three words.
watch.
hope.
delight.
could they be any more perfect together?!
anyone else need that combination today?
wanted to offer it to you as well.
cause here we are –
traveling with ourselves no matter where we go.
let’s be people we enjoy traveling with!
and then – okay – for the finale?
i pulled the hope card.
and i got –
‘her eyes opened to her own beauty
and the ground shook.’
ha!
let’s live our beauty –
all the time –
especially through the transitions!
when’s the last time you talked to your heart?
a little reminder for you on this day after valentine’s day…