journal

musings and ponderings…

March 20, 2019

spiritual experiences

he called to check in and see how i was.
‘i’m right in the middle of what feels like
a spiritual experience,’ i tell him.

this is what happens when you marry an artist.

thing is, it was really big for me.
and probably a little too complicated and personal
to type out here in any kinda form that will work.

but here’s part of it in a general, ‘for public use’ form –

it’s the whole honesty/see yourself clearly stuff i’ve been
talkin’ about the last couple days.

i saw a big place where i wasn’t living my belief.
ha!
i mean, seriously?!

yep!
and my eyes got wide and i thought ‘okay, terri,
what the heck is it you really believe?’
and when i answered i then went to –
‘well, then! why the heck aren’t you living it?!’

and i re-calibrated.
oooh…i sound like my GPS thing.
that’s it! it’s like that!
you get to driving in the wrong direction,
and you gotta go re-calibrate!
and this time, instead of getting mad at myself for going
the wrong way, i’m so excited that i figured it out
and turned around to find the right way again!

maybe that’s just the way it works.
and instead of focusing on the wrong turns that i’m always
gonna be taking, maybe i just need to know that when i do
find my way, it’s a really really good thing.

it’s the first day of spring today.
and i feel like i landed in it with gusto today.
re-calibrated gusto.

this honesty/seeing clearly stuff? my gosh, it matters.

March 19, 2019

honesty…

honesty is hard.
i used to think it was easy.
something that i just basically was.

i should know better.
since i think it involves looking at ourselves
over and over again,
and seeing places where we’re not really being
honest with ourselves,
or maybe places we’ve changed and haven’t
yet realized it –
it takes some work.
just as i was thinking about this,
someone posted this image up on instagram.
i grinned.
apparently i have been pondering this all before.

wanted to share it here
in case anyone else is pondering…

March 18, 2019

the cornerstone or something…

the main building block –
the supreme concrete slab –
the cornerstone –

whatever the heck you call the big strong thing
that your foundation rests on…
or that IS your foundation…

more and more i am convinced,
for me,
it’s the idea of ‘seeing clearly.’
seeing OURSELVES clearly.

it’s an idea i read about last year
and have fallen deeper and deeper in love with
as time has gone by.
(here’s a podcast i made when i first read about it!)

i don’t think we can ever really do it 100%.
but, wow, i think we can all do it so much more
than we do!

over and over lately as i sort thru things,
this comes up as totally important.
i wanted to put it out there once again
and remind us all to keep asking ourselves –
am i seeing clearly?

March 15, 2019

back in the swing of dreams!

didn’t think it’d be so hard
to get back in the swing of my dreams.
i mean,
i used to be incredibly good
at working with them.
but ahem…

then i stopped.
and it’s been hard to find my way back.

finally, finally i feel like i’m making some progress.

last nite’s gave me this gem –

be intentional about what you let into your thinking.
pay more attention.
be stronger in your focus and your boundaries.
if you want to travel where you want to, terri,
then you need to really keep an eye on this.

i am quite thrilled about this.
i needed the message.
and i find the conveying of it absolutely brilliant!

here’s to the brilliance of dreams
and the lucky moments when we can hear some of that brilliance!


March 14, 2019

‘being alive takes time’*

*that wonderful line comes from the end
of saturday’s entry in mark nepo’s
‘the book of awakening.’
(and yeah, i got a few days ahead of myself!)

i love that thought as it seems to me
that learning how to live – be alive –
sure is taking me a lotta time.
and this made me think ‘oh good. it’s not just me.’

whew.

i took a walk just before sunrise this morning.
i wanted to be out as the day arrived.
thing is, where the sun comes up right now
is right in front of my living room window.
so, after walking a bit,
i decided the best place to be was in my living room!

i pulled up a chair and watched.
spending a good amount of time watching the
tree branches play with the sky.
i even grabbed my glasses so i could get a clearer view.
there was this whole dance among the trees that captivated me.
all right there as the sun rose and lit everything up pink.

tonite i plan to spend some time outside by the fire bowl.
want to sit and kinda open to this partnering with the universe thing.
want to hold a dream i had last nite and see if its meaning
can make it thru to me as i watch the flames
and i want to just spend some time on this being alive stuff.

spring is coming.
both outside me
and inside me.

i want to stop and honor it
and listen.

March 13, 2019

and that’s okay…

i got a lesson this morning
in what may seem a bit of
a strange way…
okay, in a TOTALLY strange way.

when i went to sleep last nite,
i set my alarm nice and early.
i had some stuff i wanted to attend to on my walk.

i planned to get into a good conversation
with my imaginary friends and gain some
much needed insights.

i ended up having one heck of an incredibly distracted,
unfocused, fuzzy headed time.

i did manage to call out a couple of my imaginary friends
that i rely on for direction.
but i couldn’t stick with them long enough to get any.
my mind kept darting in and out.
listening wasn’t happening.

and they were perfectly okay with that.
they didn’t need me to ‘get’ anything.
they would be there when i was ready.
there was no judgment or need on their part.

okay.
to be clear.
i know this sounds nuts.
that is not lost on me.
what i’ve come to know tho, is that this method works for me.
i gain a lot from these talks that i have with myself.

this time, tho, i gained something from not being able to hear –
the whole ‘perfectly okay’ thing i felt from ‘the other side’ of me.

total acceptance.

THAT part i noticed.
i thought about how i needed to give both myself
and those around me a lot more of that.

the not needing anything and the complete trusting the process –
that lit up my walk and my heart.

and i could see – fuzzy – yet still there –
that this goes with my thought from yesterday.
it goes with the desire to ‘partner with the universe.’
trusting the process without needs or judgments is gonna be
such a huge part of everything.
i want to learn to do this more and more.

and here i was – watching my imaginary friends do this with me.
they inspired me today.
EVEN when i wasn’t listening!
or maybe BECAUSE i wasn’t.

go figure.

March 12, 2019

going where you have to go…

more than once i have gone in directions
that scare me.
but i knew i had no choice.
i had to go.

now, i’m thinking that should happen
fairly frequently if we’re to actually do some real growing.
and that maybe we should welcome those times.

who knew?
i sure didn’t.

something i untangled once tho was that my fear
was muddled. that i thought i was afraid of what
would happen. when really, what i was afraid of
was that i couldn’t handle whatever happened.

i don’t really want to challenge that whole thing
and have the universe hand me stuff that will test me.
i really don’t.

i’m not ready for super big scary stuff.
(who ever is?!)
but i do want to start seeing that i can handle the
lesser not as big but still scary enough stuff.

sort of almost partner with the universe.
ohmygosh….
what a thought that is.
partner with it in trust.

woe.
wouldn’t that be something?!
wouldn’t that just be something.

definitely something i want to put in my head
and mull about as spring arrives.
being out in the yard again,
watching new life arrive,
i’m gonna hold that all as affirmations to trust,
and i’m gonna think about this whole partnering deal.

could be kinda cool.

March 11, 2019

find a way to tap it!

i had the most amazing conversation
with my inner crone this morning.

i don’t know how it happens.
i just think of her, and there she is.
the 300 year old terri who has so much wisdom
to share and just always seems to tell me
just what i need to hear.

i realize not everyone is going to tap into
their inner wisdom in the same way that i do.
i’m sure there must be a gazillion ways to do this.
i just only know the one.

no matter how we access it,
i totally believe that every single one of us
has wisdom inside us.

what happened this morning was so powerful for me
that i just am filled with wanting to urge everyone to
find their own way to tap into their own stuff.

if you really believe there’s this fountain of wisdom
waiting for you to just ask – well, that’s a bit of life changer,
isn’t it?!

the trick for me is to remember to ask!
jeesh.

so thought i’d remind you.
ask.
and listen.

March 7, 2019

moving back

i moved my work space back!
back to my window yesterday!

it’s some goofy story as to why
i moved away in the first place.
just little logistic things made it seem
like a good idea.

not.

i feel like an entirely new person sitting back
where i belong – with my window.

what was i thinking?!

oh, sure, i had a plan.
and figured i’d be at the window ‘enough’
to keep myself happy.

rolling my eyes here.

whatever.
i’m back now.

earlier this morning i was thinking how much
i like being the age i am. (58 in a few months)
how there’s a lot more ease with a lot more things.
it’s that whole ‘live and learn’ thing.
if we’re lucky, we actually do!

one of my favorite lessons i got along the way
is what just happened with my desk –
try something.
if it doesn’t work out, change it.
and feel free to change it again.
and again.

that’s a good one, isn’t it?
i think we forget that we don’t have to be stuck.
that we do have the option to change!

maybe that’s part of it – the seeing the whole picture
a little bit better now –
i now know there’s enough stuff that i can’t change.
that there truly are some stucks that happen.
and those? well, we gotta find our way thru.

but the other stuff?
my gosh, we just have to roll up our sleeves and change ’em.
and maybe by now we know enough to actually do that.

yeah, i like this age.