journal

musings and ponderings…

October 17, 2017

deeper

it’s kinda hard to miss the #metoo
thang happening…and the news headlines…
i wonder if it’s triggerin’ any of you?
i hope not.
i hope the hashtag thing might help some
feel less alone.

like so many other social media things,
i’m just not into it. but i’m still hoping
it’s helping in ways i don’t realize.

i get discouraged with this kinda thing
as my hopes get up that we’ll actually start
talking about this stuff for real.
there is SO much to talk about.
but i rarely ever see that happen.
perhaps social media isn’t the place for deep
conversations? but then…should we bring deep
topics to it? do we just encourage simple responses
to simple slogans? is that helpful? is that harmful?

i want to go deeper than the top level stuff.

maybe it’s cause i do what i do and i hear so many
of these stories. i understand the abuse is out there
more rampant than we can fathom.

and i honestly believe sharing our stories is healing.

but how we share them, where we share them and why we share them
seems to matter in how healing they will be.

it’s such a fine line to walk the owning of your story and telling
your story and sharing what you learned with others and not letting
it become all of who you are. that’s a tough one.
there may even have to be a stage where it’s most of who you are
before you can move thru and make it not who you are anymore.
i’d like to hear about that.
i’d like to learn about that.
are there stages?
what happens if you get caught in one stage and don’t move forward?
how do we help each other move forward?

and i’d like to hear about what makes people abusers.
what are we doing as a society to promote this and how can we
help get at the roots of it?
i want to hear about that.

what on earth happens to create a pedophile?!
is it always someone who experienced that abuse?
how much do we know about that?
how is there so much incest? and so little knowledge of it?
what creates an environment for that?

there is so much to this topic.
‘metoo’ matters because it shows us it’s everywhere.
i get that.
i don’t disregard it.
it just discourages me that there isn’t a mass movement
for understanding and going deeper than we ever have before.

i really think we can grow ourselves deeper as a society –
but the simple stuff isn’t gonna do it.

what will?
i honestly don’t know.

no answers here.
just pondering with you.

October 16, 2017

i never ever woulda guessed…

i am pretty darn sure that when we go thru
a hard time, we have no idea the gold we’ll
be getting out of it.
i guess that’s why it’s a hard time, huh?
if we knew, it wouldn’t be that hard!

when i first started out on my own,
it was from a divorce that i asked for.
the guilt and angst i felt over what i
was ‘doing’ to my kids was deep and as wide
as the ocean.

i worked harder than i ever had in my life
to make things okay for them. but i couldn’t
make it all that i wished i could.

and now, i am thanking god that i couldn’t.

i had no idea what our trials, challenges, and
hurdles would do for us. i had no idea that the
hard stuff would be the good stuff. i had no idea
that the stuff i wished i could change was the very gold
that i know thank god for.

yesterday, my sons and i gathered to prepare my oldest’s home
for my wedding. it has become a custom that when we gather,
we bring stories to share. these stories range from work stories,
to personal stories, to goofy stories. we turn to one another
with ‘okay, give me a story.’ and the places that we go from
there can never be predicted. the interruptions are many,
the wanderings off topic often, but always, always, we come
back to the main story.

since it had been a few days since we had seen each other,
and everyone had events and things they had gone to, there
were many stories to share. so we all piled into the kitchen
so we could clean together and talk.

later, the talking kept up, but we were in and out of different rooms.
at one point, i listened to the banter of the brothers in the other room.
there is no banter quite like sibling banter. and i’m thinking male sibling
banter in particular. the good natured joking and teasing and horseplay
was goin’ at full throttle.

i can’t even describe what i felt. so much gratitude –
for them and who they are,
and also, for all the hardship we had been thru together.

i believe with my whole heart that what we’ve experienced in the dark times
brought us to this time of light. and the love we learned to give each other
has come from also learning how not to hurt each other.

yeah, i’m so darn lucky and want to share how grateful i am for that.
i also want to remind myself and all of us – that the hard stuff isn’t bad stuff.
it holds gold that we don’t even know.
how do we keep that in mind as we travel the rocky roads?
i don’t know. i really don’t know.
maybe we try to remind each other as much as we can.
and we try to remember that the more we trust that this journey gives us
what we make – and it gives us so many chances to make gold,
the more gold we’ll see.

i couldn’t be more grateful today.
and today, i am thanking god for those challenges that i wanted to go away.
and i am praying that i remember this for the next round that come along.

October 13, 2017

delighted

i had two –
count ’em –
TWO!
healing dreams last nite!

okay, so they weren’t fun.
one scared me a lot,
the other wasn’t pleasant.

but!
they had some rockin’ good messages for me.
and i can’t help but feel healing is happening.

and, yep, i think it’s directly related to getting married.

while, yes, the whole getting married and marrying this guy of mine
is absolutely wonderful…he really is incredible and just having
him love me is a gift –

i gotta say, the feeling of the healing that is happening inside me,
is sending me over the darn moon with happiness!

i don’t know where i stood with some of these things inside me
that weren’t healed –

don’t know if i just figure it’ll take forever,
or they just won’t heal,
or what…

but one thing i’m seeing thru this and thru the healing that
happened earlier in the week from a friend (there’s a blog
a few days ago about that one) – is that healing comes in so
many ways you can’t plan or know.

that knowing part – maybe you can’t know how it’ll happen.
but what if you can know it WILL happen??

there’s a thought, huh?!

sending us into the weekend with that one!

October 12, 2017

sponge activity…

i have noticed lately that i’m like
a darn sponge everywhere i go.
i don’t know what turns the soaker-upper on,
but when it gets started, it really gets goin’.
maybe i’m more like a bounty paper towel.
(please tell me i’m not the only one who
remembers those commercials!)

and what i’ve been soakin’ up these days
is anything to do with living fully and meaningfully.

i am noticing the things that are making me come alive
and the people who inspire me. and i’m wondering
what makes it so that so many of us are walking around
half asleep. i just don’t want it.
i really really really don’t want it.

perhaps i’m waking up a little bit more right now!
and since i rarely do things quietly,
you guys have to hear about it!

i got to see the movie ‘victoria and abdul’ last nite.
it wasn’t what i thought it was going to be,
but maybe that’s a good thing.
maybe the version in my head was too simple.
one way or another, you couldn’t leave the movie without
seeing how much we crave connection and meaning.
how it makes us alive.
and how empty and lonely power is.
and how that deadens us.

how do we get the healthy connections?
and what is it that will provide meaning?
i guess that’s the stuff we work on for the whole journey.
and the answers get better and deeper as we go along.
but i think the way we get pointed in the right direction
is by committing to listening to what makes us feel alive,
and following that sound.

it’s something i’m paying attention to right now.
how about you?

October 11, 2017

healing…

i got a note from a friend today
that felt so healing i cried.

years ago, someone i loved took her own life.
she was way young. so young.
she had reached out to several people,
but for different tragic reasons,
she didn’t get what she needed.

that has left a scar on me that will
stay with me forever.

but today, as i read this note,
i realized parts of that hurt can still heal.

my friend is helping a young girl in her darkness.
my friend is offering what is needed.

she was hesitant to tell me because of my loss.
didn’t want to bring me to hard places, i guess.

little did she know that she would offer some sense of healing
to a place inside me that i had no idea how to heal.

the world can be so dark. yes.
but my gosh, that’s when love just lights up brighter than ever.
i felt a gigantic flash as i read this note……
and wanted to share today.

keep reaching out to one another.
it maters.

October 10, 2017

maybe it’s just how it works

so, recently, i posted about how i noticed i had made space for magic to enter by doing a lot of hard inner work. how i didn’t intend to make the space but it happened kinda like a byproduct. i think that’s so cool.

then, more recently, i got to thinking about self discipline.

i was watching someone who is pretty good at self indulgence,
and not so good at the discipline part. and i saw in a way i hadn’t
seen before, how that affected every part of her life. not just the parts
that i had noticed before. but possibly every part.

this made a big impact on me. and i got to thinking about it.

and again, we’re workin’ with slippery words –
so i’m trusting you to know that i don’t mean being harsh with
yourself or beating yourself up. that’s all really negative stuff.
i mean positive self discipline that brings good things to your life.

because i tend to have plenty of food weaknesses and have trouble
passing up cookies and such, i don’t really think of myself as that
disciplined. but as i sat down to think thru this, i saw i had a lot
more than i realized. and i see that it’s helped me in more ways
than just achieving the goal that i used the discipline for.

and i’m wondering….is this the same as what i was noticing
with the hard work?
do you give a lot of effort to one thing to achieve a certain goal
and in the process end up opening more doors than you knew were there to be opened?
does it affect every part of your life?

is this how it works when you work hard and commit to something?
you open doors and make space for magic?
oh my gosh.
i’m thinking so.
which OF COURSE makes me think of my wedding coming up.
and my whole darn life.

and here’s a little twisty turn of the thought –
to SEE the doors and FEEL the magic that is showing up,
we can’t be too focused on the goal. or we’ll miss it.

ha!
i am loving these thoughts.

so i gotta find balance in the hard work and commitment
and i have to stay open to whatever comes along.

huh.
way easier said then done.
but certainly way worth trying.

October 9, 2017

if you’re in, be in!

not a new thought –
but one i keep thinking about today
and decided to put into action
after waking up tired and foggy –

it’s this –

if you’re gonna show up, show up!

that’s it.

whatever you’re doin,
whether it’s something you love,
or something you feel obligated to do –
if you said yes to it –
then say yes with every part of you!

don’t you love that?
it’s so obvious.
and yet i need to remind myself of that over and over again.
and what a difference it makes!

so, for today,
if i was really too tired and foggy to deal with
anything but that, then that would mean saying yes
to tired and foggy. that’d be okay.

are you gonna be tired and foggy today, ter? then do it.

but i knew i could get beyond that and wanted to.
so i dove on in to today.
and because i am kinda tired, i toned down the work
and amped up the play.

something i can totally say yes to.

it’s so simple.
but seriously, how often don’t we do this?!

i just wrote it down on my desk.
i want to get so good at this that i never need reminders!

October 6, 2017

the not so obvious…

the alarm went off this morning in the middle of a
dream. which, other than making me feel extra fuzzy,
was perfect.

i woke up at a particular moment in the dream
that i don’t think i would have noticed otherwise.

it was like there was the obvious message –
and the not obvious.

this totally intrigued me.
i truly feel like i woulda missed the not obvious one
without the alarm this morning. and that felt like the
one i was really sposed to see.

this made such an impact on me.
it woulda been so easy to miss.
and yet it seemed to be the part that most mattered.

wow.

how much of the not obvious have i been missing?
everywhere? in dreams, yeah.
but in life everywhere.

i went to the kitchen sink to get a drink and saw
my moon buddy out the window. i wasn’t gonna walk.
too crazy of a morning ahead. but she just was so
bright and calling me. i decided to run out just for
a little while.

and when i got out there, she was hiding among the clouds.
not totally hidden.
just not obvious.

seriously?!

i stood there looking at her and the ring that was around her
but hidden among the clouds. you could see it, but you had to
look for it.

is this my lesson today, or what? i asked her.

i have been working so hard on seeing and listening.
and this morning i feel like i got a nudge.
bring it deeper.
start really seeing the not obvious, girl.
start looking thru the obstacles and distractions…
that’s where you’ll find what you need to learn.

WHAT a way to start the day!
AND to head into the weekend!

smilin’ at you…

October 5, 2017

this is hard stuff…

being who i want to be –
it’s pretty darn hard sometimes.
i came so close to sitting down
and typing up a rant here.
but i stopped myself, because that’s
just not who i want to be.

i find the world a really difficult place to be in right now.
like everyone else.
and everyone reacts in their own ways.
a lotta times those ways make it harder.

rants tend to be righteous and full of THE answers.
and that right there, is such a big part of the problem,
i didn’t want to add more poison to the well.

when sandy hook happened, five years ago,
i decided it was time for me to stop talking
and to start listening and learning.

not just about guns and violence, but about everything.

just hush up terri, and learn.

this required putting down the emotions as much as i could,
and listening to things that i had to settle in and work at hearing.
it’s required trying to really see beyond any illusions i have built.
absolutely no easy task. but one i’ve been working hard on for
five years now.

what i see over and over again is that we’re too afraid to listen.
that we’re so very human and we need simple easy answers. and that
this fear and this need for easy answers seems to be feeding more
and more of the same. which all seems to make everything even worse.

this is something that alternates between frustrating me deeply,
and filling me with sorrow.

yet, this morning as i type, it brings up compassion. which feels so much
better than the anger i had an hour ago. compassion for the fear that
we all carry. compassion for the hearts that just want the world to be
a safe, good place for everyone.

it can’t happen unless we each really look at our own selves. and then
each other. for real. honestly. openly.

i have been struggling with it for five years. you’d think i’d find
it easier by now. somehow it feels harder. maybe because
the more you look, the more you see, and the less easy anything is.

headin’ back to it…and wrapping all of us in light. and compassion.

October 4, 2017

truly alive

i met him last nite.
in the woods.
under the lights.

i was just finishing hanging the lights
for my wedding with two of my sons.
when my third son (we were at his house)
brought down some of his students for us to meet.

ONE of the amazing things about josh is he teaches ALL ages.
from the youngest of young to adults. and they all love him.
i think that’s so cool.

these two students were grown men.
we said hello, and one went in for his lesson.
the other, on his way out, stayed to chat a little bit.

the timing of this was gorgeous.
not a half an hour earlier, my sons and i were talking
about someone we know that inspires us. how we really
liked how he didn’t just talk about things, he made them happen.
we commented that we loved it when people inspire us.

and then along comes this guy –
i cannot remember the last time i met such an alive person.
he was enthusiastic, and personable, and life was just pouring out
of everything he said. he had a buncha creative projects goin’ with
one thing leading to another.

all three of us fell in love with him.
by the time we were done, there were handshakes all around
and enthusiasm everywhere you looked. we climbed into the
car talking about how inspired we were.

i look back at that this morning and i cannot help but wonder
WHY is this so rare? why is it so unusual to find someone interested
in so many things and truly like a kid in a candy shop about them all?!

life is just ours for the taking! why aren’t we taking it?!
i totally understand those with health problems or those actively dealing
with loved ones with health problems – shoot. no questions there. i get that.
that’s where the concentration is.

but those of us who are not?! why can’t i remember the last time i ran into this?

and i gotta tell ya, it has me looking at me.
i am inspired today and want to dive into all kindsa things.
it really is our one life we get. and if we’re not dealin’ with sorrow and
health issues….which i am not – then um….i want to be one of those people
that makes you think ‘wow, she’s one of the most alive people i’ve ever met!’

cause what the heck am i here for if it’s not to live to the fullest?!