musings and ponderings…
i read this and just sat with it.
seriously, to keep this in mind and really
work on the listening…well, something to
try to take into the weekend at least…
How
Do I
Listen to others?
As if everyone were my Master
Speaking to me
His
Cherished
Last
words.
that’s from ‘the gift, poems by hafiz’
and wow.
just wow.
in watching several people i know
wrestle with things weighing on them lately,
i am reminded of a time way back when
i was about 35 years old.
a friend died.
he was about 45.
and he died suddenly.
we were in charge of taking care of his ‘stuff.’
one of the jobs was going to his work and
collecting his belongings.
i will always remember that moment carrying a box to the car,
his jacket slung over the top.
it really hit me.
he wasn’t there anymore.
period.
he wasn’t coming back to finish anything.
and any work he stressed over was just gonna do whatever it did –
without him.
and it would all go on in whatever way it went.
it didn’t matter.
ever since then, when hit with the big questions
of what to do with something or how to handle something,
if i’m lucky, i’m reminded of that moment.
and i can ask myself, with a clear memory of a cardboard box
of belongings in my arms –
‘what if i died tomorrow? what’s truly important?
what am i pretending is important?’
when i think of things going on without me one way or another,
i can find the stuff that i’m fooling myself about.
i can find what i’m pretending is important.
and hopefully find what’s really important, yet hiding from me.
it kinda clears away the ego,
and makes room for the soul.
i think it’s something we all have to find our own way to.
and as hard as it was to get the lesson, i want to hold it and honor
it by putting it to good use.
sometimes i just don’t want to admit
how much control i have over my own environment.
which is odd,
because so much of life we can’t control,
you’d think i’d want to grab all that i could control
and work that with all i’ve got!
but maybe that’s the key word – ‘work.’
it’s a whole whole whole lotta work.
cause it’s stuff that goes way down deep.
all the way to my attitude and what i choose
to see and what i choose to believe.
and those choices are mixed up with my issues
and my buttons and my insecurities and my laziness.
once again, i am reminded of my power.
and once again, i am brought to my knees.
so much is the attitude.
so so so much.
we can change our worlds with our attitudes.
i totally believe that.
to be fair tho, there are times i just don’t have
the energy or the strength. and that’s gotta be okay.
thing is tho, i think a lotta times, if i could gather
the energy and the strength to adjust my attitude,
it would change my situation so much that i would gain
much more energy than it took in the first place!
it’s definitely circular.
while i want to offer myself compassion for times i don’t
have that gusto in me, and i will…
i also want to remind myself to push harder than i think i can.
perhaps it’s a muscle that needs to be built up.
smiling and flexing a muscle or two…
i am seeing a lot of fear
hiding the gift of living lately.
all around me.
some of it is quite heart breaking.
so thought maybe we needed a reminder…
chattin’ with a friend the other day,
i was surprised to hear her feeling embarrassed
about something she has in her life.
then i wondered why i was surprised.
i totally understood.
i had the same thing at times,
only different.
🙂
she has a particular gift in her life that i don’t have.
and some of her other friends don’t have.
and she didn’t want to ‘flaunt’ it.
i smiled.
told her to embrace it!
that embracing wasn’t flaunting.
and that we all had certain things in our
lives that others didn’t have. and others
had stuff we didn’t have.
and that it was a beautiful thing.
funny how easy it is to tell someone else that, huh?
i have felt the same thing when i have felt really really
happy in my life when i was with people who weren’t.
or when i was really close to my kids when other friends
were struggling with theirs.
that kinda thing.
i have struggled with the thought that maybe i should hide my
happiness or whatever so as not to make the other feel bad.
so i know what she means.
thing is, i really really saw as we sat there how true it was –
that we all had different stuff to be grateful for and embrace.
and if we didn’t, what an insult to the gift.
and what an insult to each other.
honestly if we can’t be big enough to be happy for each other,
well, then, we’re in a place i don’t want to be.
as it turns out, i get to spend the day today with three
of my biggest gifts.
my sons.
i am so looking forward to this day.
it’s harder and harder to get all of us together like this,
so when we do, it is such a treat.
there’s some stuff i don’t have.
but there sure is a ton i do have.
i’m gonna embrace and relish every bit of that today!
and i’m going to try to remember this the next time i wonder
if i should hide part of myself to make someone feel better.
rolling my eyes.
doesn’t seem too hard to figure out, does it?
i’m getting there.
i swear i keep telling myself –
‘no more posting mark nepo for
at least a week, terri!!’
and then.
ohmygosh.
the man brings me to my knees yet again.
it’s the question he asks here.
ohmygosh.
if i can just remember this and use this,
think of the moments it will open –
‘We are so afraid of the waters within us that we often
tense as soon as we see tears, asking what’s wrong, when
perhaps we need to ask those at sea, what do you see?”
(the book of awakening, mark nepo)
WHAT a question!
can you imagine sitting with someone who is crying
and you ask ‘what do you see?’
ohmygosh.
and you know what?
maybe we need to ask OURSEVLES that as well!
wouldn’t that just stop us and make some space
for self compassion?!
writing this one down and hoping it becomes part
of who i am to just ask this.
thankin’ mister mark once again!
okay, brand new thought,
still trying to untangle it.
it’s not mine.
i read it.
who else?
mark nepo.
and forgive me, mark, i’m still trying
to grasp what it means –
i believe the idea is to make plans,
but let go of the need for specific results.
see, i like this cause i’m a planner.
and he was like, ‘yeah, go ahead and plan.
that’s a good thing. BUT then….it’s what
you do with the plan…’
okay, so he didn’t really say that to me out loud,
but that’s what i heard in my head.
there was something about fishermen casting their nets
but then being open to whatever the net caught.
oooooh.
hmmmmmmm.
kinda darn cool.
i don’t think i’ve ever faced this thought before.
some of it makes great sense to me and stuff that i do already –
like make a coffee date with someone and then be open to
whatever you talk about.
yeah, okay.
that makes sense to me.
but i ‘spose it’s bigger than that.
make a coffee date, don’t worry if they show up or not,
see what comes your way at the coffee shop?
i’m thinking it might be that.
just being an adult, you have to learn to be flexible with plans.
flex or die, baby.
but this adds a cosmic flair to the flexing.
so what i do now is kinda go ‘okay, well, that didn’t work out.’
and move along.
but now the idea would be to go ‘hmmmm, that changed, i wonder
what’s here for me now.’
i think that’s the difference.
it’s a beautiful cosmic flair to living.
up til now i think i’ve just tried to be adaptable.
and believe me, that’s taken me years to get the hang of.
i think i can get this fairly quickly –
except! for the places i really hold expectations.
and this may help me loosen up on those as well.
i like this.
i’m gonna be playing with this.
i mean, who could resist some flair, let alone cosmic flair?!
i got all excited this year.
we have lots of holiday card packs
to choose from,
so i wanted to add a couple of
the regular greeting cards that you
buy one at a time that were for the
holiday season as well.
so i went ahead and made two!
then, being so excited about them,
i proceeded to order them as if they
were holiday card packs! (those cards
are smaller than the ones i meant to order.)
ahem.
what can i say?
so!
adapting to my mistakes –
we now offer these two new cards as
single 5×7 greeting cards
AND
holiday card packs as well!
ha!
wanted to share them here.
let’s see. how to do this?
the first one is called ‘peace and mystery.’
you can find the single here.
and the card pack here.
the second one is called ‘enter the magic.’
you can find the single card here
and the pack of them here.
i am actually really getting excited that the holidays
are around the corner!
i know.
i’m one of those people.
luckily for me, i have to get ready for them early
because of business.
gives me such a great excuse!
(to find all the holiday card packs just click here!)
i like labels.
they help me figure things out.
but recently,
i have begun to really notice
the negative side of them.
i’m talking about labels that describe
things people have –
depression.
anxiety.
narcissism.
adhd.
did.
ptsd.
those kinda labels.
if i hear one i don’t know much about,
i go and try to learn.
i realize there are so many shades to these things
that there aren’t hard and fast rules that hold for everyone.
i like fluid stuff like that, so they work for me.
they give me a place to jump in to and swim around and figure
things out a little bit better.
but!
i have been noticing more and more that some people don’t use them
as tools but rather build identities around them and somehow
in so doing, claim the label and settle in for a lifetime of living
whatever it is.
somehow instead of a tool to grow and change and move forward,
it’s the perfect resting spot to stop working and just stay stuck
right smack in the middle of it all.
i’ve been noticing a lot of stuck lately.
a lot of talk that just keeps us stuck.
which, interestingly enough,
seems to be motivating me a lot here.
in all kindsa life directions.
like seeing what i don’t want is moving me forward to
what i do want.
i wanna do the work and keep growing.
and i think that means i want my identities to keep changing.
because that means i keep changing.
seems important.
so thought i’d toss a reminder to us all.
we don’t have to be stuck.
there’s a ton of tools out there for us.
we just gotta use them as tools.
not as resting spots.
whew.
and the work continues.