March 24, 2017
musings and ponderings…
okay, bear with me?
part of the fun of this blog is to kinda
just explore out loud.
and today, that’s totally the plan.
feel free to post any thoughts you want to share.
i’m going to be doin’ some thinking and all thoughts are welcome!
so yesterday i posted the quote from simply topaz
that said –
‘Live the story you want to tell.’
i fell in love with that and held it all day.
i had to keep going back and reading it again as i’d
forget exactly how it went.
kinda odd, huh? it’s s pretty short sentence.
i’ve noticed the really important stuff for me gets
blocked that way in my head. i have to fight something
inside me to keep it in my mind. (hmmm….)
and when that happens, i know it’s important.
so i wrote it down and put it in my pocket and carried
it and reread it and tucked it away and repeated that
over and over again.
what is the story i want to tell???
i just had no idea.
i knew some of the stuff i DIDN’T want….
but what was it i DID want?!
and as i headed in to brush my teeth last nite, it hit me.
i wonder if i’ve already written it?!
a bone sigh came to mind.
i ran over to my computer, got the quote up and printed
it out and took it in with me while i brushed my teeth.
it’s this one – written way way way back when i first started bone sighs.
a vow to my heart
“i will work on the act of listening to you
and my listening abilities will grow.
i will honor those things
you relay to me and act upon them.
when i act upon them,
i will know that i am living my truth
and owe no explanations to anyone.
i will believe in your ability to accept
all emotions and will not close down to
i will direct my energies
and my power to a place that will
strengthen you, not deplete you.
i will follow you in the way i wish
the world would follow you.
the child of the universe
and the heart shall meld
and we shall dance as one.”
the part that stood out for me was ‘i will follow you in the
way i wish the world would follow you.’
i remember writing that. and i still hold that feeling.
it’s a really important part of that piece for me.
so i’ve been holding that.
i think that’s gotta be mixed in my story.
on my walk this morning something else hit me –
the last lines –
‘the child of the universe and the heart shall meld
and we shall dance as one.’
i remember writing that.
just feeling it.
not really understanding it.
just feeling it.
and feeling pretty sure no one would know what the heck i meant there.
but knowing it had to be included anyway.
it could not be taken out.
i felt really strongly about that at the time.
on my walk those lines came to me
and instantly my whole body reacted.
tears came and i could just feel this zing.
i’m only so thick headed.
that obviously matters.
but what the heck does it mean?
i turned the corner and looked at the sunset.
and that beauty is part of all of us –
that’s the child of the universe part.
i don’t carry that with me.
i don’t carry any sense of that beauty inside of me.
like i’m not part of that. ya know?
i’m not beautiful.
BUT if i believe i’m a child of the universe (in my head i do)
then i would carry that beauty. i would HAVE to.
(the whole child of the universe thing came to me years ago.
and as dopey hippy as it sounds, it was a really profound moment
for me and i feel like it was a ‘gift’ for me and it was true.
and yet…….i seem to have just put that on a shelf…)
okay……i walked and looked at all the beauty around me.
there was a look for every mood you can have. it’s there in nature.
every piece of nature can speak to every piece of me.
i was really trying to hold the child of the universe thing.
and it was feeling easy.
then the ‘heart’ part – for years now i’ve considered myself a ‘heart.’
not sure what that exactly means, but that’s my symbol for me –
i trust my heart. it’s really full of goodness and i know that.
and i just kinda feel like a walking heart.
but i don’t hold the beauty part right?
so as i was thinking all this,
i went to turn onto a sidewalk and i started to step over a piece of
rubber or something that was in the shape of a heart!
it was grungy and industrial and not nature at all –
it was separate, but not. it was there on my walk.
so it was part of it all….but no beauty.
it was a heart.
i couldn’t miss it. bam. right there.
i actually stopped and took a picture of it.
as i went back to walking, i thought –
that’s been you, terri.
separate, but not.
not holding the beauty.
you need to know your heart and to know your beauty both, terri.
you need to meld the child of the universe part with the heart.
the beauty, the glory, the magic, the love, the all.
and then you’ll really really dance.
you’ll really really dance.
and that…….THAT…….may be the story i want to tell.
still thinking about all this.
but wanted to put this out there.
are you thinking about your story?
are you getting anywhere?
i am finding this completely thrilling.
i really am.
gonna let this simmer over the weekend…
thanks for bearing with me.
oh! wanna see that heart i stepped over??? –
pretty awesome, huh?!
March 23, 2017
so, i got so excited about posting this find
on facebook, that i hollered about it, but forgot
to post it!! laughin’ here…..
that’s how i roll, baby!
BUT i DID remember after a bit and posted it.
and i want to post it here.
i’ve been a little lost with my direction lately –
and have found myself asking for some help.
i just figure this was meant specifically for me.
and of course, i figure i’ll share.
but i think this is my magic today –
and what i’ll be thinking about.
what story do you want to tell?
(be sure to check out her website.)
March 22, 2017
i found jason on twitter some time ago.
i enjoyed him so much, i went searching for him
on facebook and now follow him.
his posts are always uplifting and add a much needed
element to our world right now.
the other day, with incredibly magical timing,
his post came up in my home feed on facebook.
i shared it and so many people enjoyed it and shared
it as well.
i want to spread jason around wherever i can.
and i’m thinking you guys will like him.
you can view this one post at this link here.
and then, if you like that, go browse around his
site and check him out. i think you’ll be glad you did.
the world is full of wonderful people!
i want to turn my eyes towards them and really soak them in.
March 21, 2017
because i seem to be in the searching mood,
i asked people over on facebook this question –
‘if you were gonna leave this planet tomorrow,
what is it that would make you feel like you lived
the life you wanted? do you have any thoughts on
what it’s all about?’
almost every single person mentioned having loved,
helped, transformed or touched another.
(isn’t that kinda cool?
is that just the people i hang out with, or is that everyone?
does that drive even the people i really dislike?
i gotta wonder…)
i got in the shower and thought about all this.
i have so many rambly parts to my completely incomplete answer –
one of ’em is – did i see, really see?
sometimes when i walk, i think ‘what if this was my last walk ever?’
and i get filled with just realizing how very much i miss.
how much i don’t see. how i wouldn’t be able to describe the trees
on that street i’ve walked a thousand times and have enjoyed.
i wouldn’t be able to really describe ONE of ’em!
i wouldn’t even be able to tell you the order of houses on any other
street besides mine. and i’ve walked by these tons of times.
so i think – terri! you’re not really seeing!
but i don’t know……..maybe if i’m appreciating that’s what counts?
so – seeing? i want to improve that.
i don’t feel like i have it down very well.
but appreciating might be more important. that seems big.
but my gosh, maybe you just so gotta have both.
cause how can you appreciate if you don’t see?
i’m forever trying to see my sons better.
and that is so hard.
so hard to get past assumptions and my own stuff.
and really be honest.
soooo i wanna get past the things that block me from seeing.
i wanna live honesty everywhere.
then i think of how i want to ‘hold the all.’
how i try over and over to hold sadness, sorrow, anger, love, joy –
the whole darn ball of everything – and i just don’t quite seem to
even get near to getting the hang of it.
yep, all this is list material…
so there i am, in the shower, thinking – how often do i REALLY
feel the shower. do i melt into it and just be there?
the being in the moment thing.
oh man, that one matters!
put that on the list!
then, of course, i go to the theme that i go to over and over again –
never have i so truly wanted to learn how to love then i do now
with my partner. with him, i can see all that it involves. and so much
of it is work. but maybe i’m onto something because i just read in
‘the road less traveled’ that ‘love is always either work or courage.’
okay, so recalling that, i just went and looked up more on that –
“When we extend ourselves, when we take an extra step or walk
an extra mile, we do so in opposition to the inertia of laziness
or the resistance of fear. Extension of ourselves or moving out against
the inertia of laziness we call work. Moving out in the face of fear
we call courage. Love, then, is a form of work or a form of courage.
Specifically, it is work or courage directed toward the nurture of our
own or another’s spiritual growth.’ (M.Scott Peck)
i wanna get better at that. yep. add that to the list.
some of the other things that people listed seem to cover all these
rambly thoughts in a much briefer way –
there was ‘gratitude’ ‘be’ and a wondering how close someone got to
enlightenment. these themes all mixed into these rambles.
maybe ‘gratitude’ and ‘be’ cover everything.
cause if you really do those two words right, you might just have love,
and you might just have enlightenment.
i guess i don’t really have an answer to my question yet.
i’m still thinking.
and feeling so very grateful that i’m here learning.
it’s good stuff to think on tho, isn’t it?
cause if we really know we have a limited time,
and we really have something we want to do with that time……
well, then, it definitely colors our days, doesn’t it?
except when we forget.
maybe that’s the first thing on my list –
i want to stop forgetting this stuff!
March 20, 2017
in browsing thru my copy of ‘a road less traveled’
this weekend, i came across a gem on listening.
i totally want to share it –
‘An essential part of true listening is the discipline
of bracketing, the temporary giving up or setting aside
of one’s own prejudices, frames of reference and desires
so as to experience as far as possible the speaker’s world
from the inside, stepping inside his or her shoes. This
unification of speaker and listener is actually an extension
and enlargement of ourself, and new knowledge is always
gained from this. Moreover, since true listening involves
bracketing, a setting aside of the self, it also temporarily
involves a total acceptance of the other. Sensing this acceptance,
the speaker will feel less and less vulnerable and more and
more inclined to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind
to the listener. As this happens, speaker and listener begin
to appreciate each other more and more, and the duet dance
of love is again begun.’
-M. Scott Peck, A Road Less Traveled
bam! how awesome is that?!
now more than ever i think we need to work on this…
March 17, 2017
March 16, 2017
i’m having a new thought that maybe isn’t new,
maybe it’s just using different words.
but it’s helping me right now.
it feels like an ‘aha’ to me.
and a tool for me to pick up and work with.
let me see if i can type it out…
everyone’s got different goals.
and i bet if you broke all the millions of goals
down and went deeper and deeper, there really wouldn’t
be that many different ones. just lotsa flavors of the same big ones.
so with each goal, there’d be a lot for us all to learn to achieve it.
each goal would have its own learning curve.
the goal of being love…or offering light….or however you want to
phrase that, is my goal. and i know it’s a lotta other people’s goal as well.
so, for the group that wants to be love, there’s a ton to learn.
each person in that group has a different learning curve.
and each person is in a different spot on that curve.
that makes sense, doesn’t it?!
pretty basic thought. no big insight.
except for the fact that if you really believe that,
you can be way more patient with people (and yourself)
who you may feel are letting you down.
or aren’t walkin’ their talk. or whatever.
maybe they’re just stuck somewhere on their learning curve
and can’t move further just yet.
reminds me of being in elementary school learning the multiplication tables.
my teacher made a chocolate factory drawing on a poster board.
and each room of the factory had the different sets you needed to learn.
there was the three’s room and the four’s and the nine’s……oh my gosh,
the nine’s room….altho i think it was the eights i really didn’t like!
in each one, you had to memorize all your times tables for that number before
you could move the oompa loompa with your name to the next room.
my oompa loompa got stuck a few times.
but i EVENTUALLY got ’em all!
it’s like that.
only instead of our multiplication tables,
it’s learning how to offer love.
and sometimes my oomp loompa gets stuck.
and sometimes so does my friend’s.
and instead of being frustrated about that,
i can just wait and know that sooner or later,
after some work and more lessons and more practice,
we get to move to the next spot on the journey.
i really like this.
i feel like it actually fits right in with the goal
and helps me be more patient and loving all around.
aha! how cool is that?!
March 15, 2017
i shared this on facebook.
want to share it everywhere i can.
i think it’s so important
and truly couldn’t come in a more beautiful way.
in my opinion, every single one of us needs to hear this.
sometimes it feels hard to grab 15-20 minutes….
i encourage you to find the time.
find some time today, grab a warm drink,
and curl in to this ted talk.
March 14, 2017
sometimes i realize just how little i know
about some of the different forms of mental illness.
while i know being bi-polar is a huge challenge,
i know very little about it.
julie kraft emailed me yesterday letting me know her
book on dealing with being bi-polar is now complete
and ready to spread.
she has several vids, and i chose the longer one to really
get her story. i’m so glad i did. i was moved and so impressed
with her honesty and vulnerability.
i haven’t read the book, so i can’t give you an opinion on that,
but i wanted to share this information with you in case it
could help you or someone you love.
just raising awareness and watching someone offer who they are,
is enough of a reason to share this!
i don’t know julie, but i’m proud of her anyway.
i think she’s so courageous.
here’s some links for you –
her facebook page.
an article about the book.
March 13, 2017
the deeper i walk into this ‘trying to be love’ stuff,
the harder i think it is to do.
this past weekend brought me at least four moments
where i had to stop and think ‘wait. what is it you want
to do here, terri? and ‘what actions will most help you
be who you want to be?’
that’s four times i can think of off the top of my head –
and i spose as i get more and more mindful,
that number goes up.
each time requires reflective open thought and then
strength to follow thru on that thought.
which can be a drag when you just wanna kinda do what
feels right in the moment. and that whole ‘reflective open’
stuff ain’t easy.
but there seems to be some kinda ratio thing happening –
because all the while i get to thinking it’s harder and harder to do,
at the same time i feel a deeper and deeper importance to it.
i see what happens when we don’t stop and think and
work hard to reach towards love…
i see what happens when we give in to fear and our need
and maybe even more unnerving than that, i see how that’s
encouraged all around us.
i don’t want to do it anymore, guys.
i really really don’t.
i want to choose love.
and yet….i’m so darn lazy.
i want to choose lazy love.
and there’s no such thing, is there?
and there’s no time for that.
the opposite of love they say.
fear feeds hatred
and fear and hatred can fool crowds of people into believing it’s good.
and lazy thinking fools us into believing it’s them that do that. not us.
perhaps i’m just getting old,
but i feel like i’ve run outta time for lazy thinking,
and i feel like i’ve grown too strong for lazy love.