musings and ponderings…

March 20, 2018

we got some work to do…

so i grabbed one of mark nepo’s
books off my shelf.
this one is ‘Seven Thousand Ways to Listen’
(you can find that here, if you like –
i totally love this book! highly recommend it!)
and i opened directly to this…

…well, gosh, instead of typing it all out,
i’ll just type out the parts i underlined.
this section is called ‘Three Covenants’
and the quote under that is so perfect –
it’s from Henk Brandt –
“Our love needs to be bigger than our insanity.’

and then mark goes into explaining that there are three covenants
which ‘keep us engaged in the work of love.’

“It is the work of love to create conditions by which what
is true and beautiful in all we behold can grow and blossom.”

“…the work of love depends on giving others a sense of
safety in the world…”

“So the third covenant of love is to keep each other company
when we’re drowning in our experience and awash in our feelings,
until it can all right-size, until our experience and feelings
can once again sustain us.”

so, i opened to all that.
the first thing i felt was that our insanity was bigger
than our love right now.
and i sighed.
and then i read these covenants and sighed again.
i’m not seeing as much of this as i want/need/wish for.

i can’t change anyone else.
i can’t holler and say ‘hey! you! you’re making me crazy!
you’re not offering this!’
that’d go over like a lead balloon.

i know that.
and i know that i’m the only one i can change.
and i know that my reacting to the world right now
stops me from doing these things as much as i want.

i get crazy, shut down, get frustrated, and close doors.

so. i guess there’s enough work right there for me to
concentrate on right inside myself.
and i offer this for anyone else who is also doing some
self reflecting in response to frustration in an insane world.

one by one, if we could each just work on our own selves
and be the change we want to see in the world, well,
it certainly couldn’t hurt, could it?

March 19, 2018

imagine if…

i was thinking of all the pain
that each one of us carries around.
pick a person, and you get a different mix,
but you always get a mix.

and i got to thinking about the
‘child of the universe’ stuff.

i love that phrase.
and every now and the i believe i am.
like…REALLY believe it.

just for a moment here and there.
but those moments are so wonderful.

so i got to thinking about it.
what if we could just go with that idea
for a moment – for ten minutes – for an hour –
for a day…
whatever we could swing.

what if we could really really believe it?

tried this idea out on a couple of different
people. i didn’t get any takers.
no one who grabbed it as their eyes got wide
and said ‘yeah! let’s do it!’

how come? i wonder.

i don’t know.
are we so far from believing it?
do we know we can’t keep it, so we don’t even try?

i honestly don’t know.
but i got myself inspired.
child of the universe –
daughter of the stars and sky.
gosh, i love that.

kinda awesome.

and then! as i was driving along thinking about all this,
a string of light went from the hood of my car to the sky.
i kid you not!
it was so bright and there and perfectly wonderful,
i couldn’t stop smiling.
scientific reason? oh it was prolly a reflection from the sun
and it all hit just right or something dumb like that.
my reason? it was the strand of light that connects me to
the universe, and i could see it cause i was so darn open to it.

so yeah….
i’m gonna hold this concept for a second.
drop it.
then pick it up again.
over and over and over and over.
cause every time i think about it,
my heart feels like it’s full of fire.
and i love that.

March 16, 2018

workin’ on it…

i felt like i was standing
at the door of a spiritual
insight yesterday.

it had to do with joy.
and god.
and how the two were so
completely entwined.

but then – within seconds –
as if life was gonna test my thoughts –
stories filled with tragedy, and heartbreak
and fear found their way to me.

honestly, the rest of the day seemed to
fill with them.

by the time i went to bed last nite,
i was rattled.

took my first good walk in a week today
and thought about it all.

if you’re even halfway awake and can see
the stuff around you in life, you’re gonna
have fear.

the lack of control – when we face that –
is enough to make you never stand up again.
which is why i mostly don’t face it.

but as i walked today, i tried to.
i wanted to face all that stuff and see where
my thoughts yesterday about joy and god fit in.

i’d bring up a tragedy and feel it.
and then wonder how you found joy.
i’d bring up a fear and fill wit it
and ponder laughter.

i couldn’t make much sense of any of it.

and then i noticed the rose color all around me.
there’s a rose hue that covers the earth right now.
new buds and spring do that.

i noticed.
realized i can’t really see that stuff when i’m
distracted with pain and fear.

and that that’s what that stuff does.
it takes you away from the moment.
it distracts.

and that has to be part of it all.
how many enlightened people have said
to be in the moment? lots.
so being present is some kinda key here.

and then i thought of something i heard the other day –
it was about seeing the ‘all.’ if you were gonna blame
someone for all the rotten things they did to you, then
you had to also blame them for making you stronger.
something like that.
the idea was of balancing it and seeing the all of it.

and i thought if you’re gonna cry your guts out with grief
then maybe you also need to laugh your guts out with joy.
if you’re gonna see all the pain all around you,
then maybe you also need to see all the glory as well.
if you have an amazing ability to feel sorrow,
you also have an amazing ability to feel joy.

i’m thinking no one could live in joy every moment.
but maybe it’s knowing it’s there.
every moment.
whether you’re there or not.
and maybe it’s knowing that you have access to it.
whether you choose it or not.

and maybe it’s reaching for it more.
just plain reaching for it.

don’t know.
thinking out loud.
and chuckling a bit as i go.

March 15, 2018

goofin’ up lessons…

i goofed up on something yesterday
on social media.
i laughed and rolled my eyes.
responded with a ‘snort’ and moved on.

and i noticed –
it didn’t bother me.
at all.

i think maybe because i’m always goofin’ up
on social media! and maybe i just expect it
or can’t care about it as i’d be weighed down
constantly if i did.

but i got to thinking about it.

i don’t think i take myself too seriously as
a writer or an artist.
cause, i mean, seriously….that’s not what
i think of myself as.
i’m someone who’s just tryin’ to figure out how to live.

so if i goof up in the writer or artist or online stuff,
well….that’s cause i don’t really know how to do that stuff.
i just do what i can. i’m okay with that.

but day to day, with myself?
i’m a whole lot harder on myself.
which is kinda weird.
i mean if i’m someone who’s just tryin’ to figure out how to live,
then well……i’m TRYIN’ to FIGURE it out!
that’s guaranteed mistakes right there.

as i thought about this, i figured i really needed to lighten up
a bit on myself.

not take myself so seriously.
how do you do that?
well, maybe really seeing that what i’m trying to do
is gonna be filled with mistakes.
really seeing that.
really accepting where i am.
and really having a much broader sense of humor.

i want to keep this in mind.
maybe make a point of joking with myself more.
in a FUN way.
not in a sarcastic way.
but a fun way that snorts, rolls my eyes, and moves on.

i kinda like this.

March 14, 2018

i think we should all listen…

maybe we should pop this around
at least once a month and have
everyone stop and give it a listen.

i heard it years and years and years ago
in a workshop that i had been vending at.
the facilitator invited me to join in with
the ladies and with great shyness, i did.

i remember the moment she put this on.
i had never heard it before.
as the words washed over me,
i fell apart.
it was the last thing i wanted to do.
i was shy, felt unsure about my place in the room,
didn’t want to fall apart,
but had no choice.
so much sorrow just fell out of me.
i remember her kindness as she walked over and held me.

to this day, i cannot hear it without crying.

if you’ve heard this before or not,
take some time and give it a listen –

shaina noll’s ‘how could anyone’

March 13, 2018

deeper and deeper…

i so want to explain this and
don’t know if i can…
but i’m gonna try!

about 20 years ago (!!) (wow)
i came upon a concept that was new to me.
it was the idea of making every choice/word/action
with your highest good in mind.

way back then, i stumbled when i talked about it,
because the idea was to put yourself first – your
highest good first – and make decisions that way.

i think then, i would get so stuck on trying to explain
to people that it wasn’t a selfish thing because of that
‘highest good’ part. but i stumbled because up until then
it was all about putting everyone else first above you.
highest good or not.

funny, that doesn’t make me stumble at all anymore.
there’s nothing selfish about it.
if it’s about your highest good,
there can’t be anything selfish in it.
it’s just how it works.
highest good doesn’t equal selfish.
doesn’t mean you put everyone else first.
it means you do the healthy thing.

well…this weekend i feel like i went thru some kinda
funky growth spurt. and that concept has sunk down to
a deeper level.

it occurred to me that if i really do this,
there’s no reason for me to judge people.
(yes, there’s always SOME level of judgment and you need
to be practical in things like ‘this isn’t safe.’ or stuff
like that. of course.)
but if you concentrate on your own highest good,
you’re too darn busy to be passing a lotta judgments on others.

one lesson i have been hearing over and over from
my inner crone is ‘it’s not your job.’
it’s not your job to change people.
it’s not your job to fix everyone.
it’s not your job to make life run the way you think it should run.

your job is you.
living the real and honest and highest good of you.

i think because i have been hearing that over
and over, it’s finally clicking –

if i really just concentrate on my job of
living my highest good,
there’s nothing else i need to do.

i have tried this concept out in different scenarios
in my mind, and it’s worked in every single one of ’em!

it makes space for people to be their own people.
it makes space for growth.
it makes space for love.

i am so excited about this, i can barely sit still.
and yet, i really don’t know if i’m explaining it right.
but that’s a little piece of it anyway!

March 12, 2018

where do i even start?!

you all know the deal,
you fall into a pit and it’s just
hard to get out.

you question what you’re doin’
and why you’re doin’ it.
and all that stuff.

i think that happens even more for those
who travel off the beaten path and struggle
with finances and independence.

but whether it’s frequent, or just once in awhile,
we all know it.

i had a week of that.
got so so tired of it.
i put it down and picked up the weekend.
decided it was time to feed my soul.
and feed it, i did.
and i could feel myself moving beyond the
traps and pitfalls i had been stuck in.

last nite when i climbed into bed,
i was a bit nervous that being alone today
getting back into work would toss me back into
those same stuck places.

i decided to pay attention to where i focused and
my perspectives. i didn’t want to land back in the pit.

this weekend i had picked up one of my favorite pieces
from an art gallery where it had been hanging. i took it
home and hung it right by my desk. i honestly just love it.
i debated putting it on my etsy shop to sell. was i gonna be
okay if it sold? was that okay with me?

just barely. but i would have to sell it for a decent price.
it meant too much to me not to. and then, i figured, if someone
really wanted it, then it would be good to offer it.

and so i popped it up on etsy.
announced it on social media,
and in a blink, it had sold!
i couldn’t believe it!
and i looked.
a friend of mine had bought it.
she left a note with the purchase, but i misunderstood the note.
thought she was thanking me for something and buying the piece for

i dropped her a note telling her that if anyone was gonna get it,
i was glad it was her.

she wrote back.
i misunderstood.

she just bought ME the piece.

she paid for it and told me to keep it.

i’m crying just typing that.

can you imagine?
the generosity and love in that gesture floors me.

before i got this note explaining to me,
i had taken it off the wall, cleaned it up for her,
and wrapped it extra pretty.

she told me to go unwrap it and hang it back up.
again, i’m crying as i type.

one thing i noticed when i was in the pit last week –
i was NOT communicating with my inner child at all.
something i noticed today as i typed out the quote of
this piece to put on etsy – was how much my inner child
matters to me. this piece, for me, is such an honoring of that.

last week was a reminder to me of what life is like without
that connection.

i want that connection.

maybe the best sign you could ever get when you’re questioning
what you’re doing with your life
is a gift (in whatever form) of love from someone you met thru
the very thing you’re questioning!
and in that loving gift, they tell you that you helped them because
of what you do. and they’re thanking you for that.
and somehow they also remind you of what matters most to you.

could anything be more moving than that?
she didn’t even know.
she didn’t know the timing.
and the fear of the pit today.
and the missing of the inner child.

there is magic.
there is stunning glory.

wake up, terri.
look around you.
stop with the pit stuff.
you have absolutely everything that matters.
know that.
hold that.
and dance in gratitude for the beauty in your life.

thanking my friend today for what she gave me.
thanking the universe for giving me that friend.
and finally, finally grabbing my inner child’s hand
for that dance she’s been waiting weeks for!

March 9, 2018

around and around and around again…

circling around in that ever lovin’ sprial
seems to be a way of life for me.

as i was digging thru some images,
looking for something,
i found these two quotes that just fit
where i am right now.
and i see how much i circle around and around
and around again.

i’m taking a day today to go feed my soul.
i’ve been soul weary. and then when i read this,
i smiled and nodded –

definitely been in a hiding spot.
and feeling ready to step out of it.
and i definitely have been there a thousand times before.

as i walked this morning, i thought of the different
parts of me inside of me.
when i hide, i don’t connect with them.
i realize how much i’ve been missing them.

and then i found this –
and knew i’d been here before as well…

i want to feed my soul today.
and step out of hiding.
and connect with all of me.
i just really want to do it slow and gently today.

no rush.
just kinda softly with an understanding that it’s happening
and there’s no need to push.

March 8, 2018

‘just do your best’

it was a few weeks back.
i was stressed and he gave
me this advice –
‘just do your best.’

doesn’t sound like much, does it?

but i gotta tell ya,
when he said it to me in that soft
gentle way he’s got,
it really sunk in.

i actually wrote it down.

thought of it often.
helped me a ton.

then forgot it.
forgot all about it.

cause that’s what i do.

then recently, when stress found its way
back to me, i didn’t remember it at all.
until last nite.

and i remembered.

‘just do your best.’

why does that help?

i’m not sure.

maybe it keeps me focused on what feels like
my best? maybe it puts things in perspective?

we’ve all heard that phrase so many times,
i’m not sure we actually HEAR it anymore.

and since it’s been making an impact on me,
i thought i’d share it.

this is where i’m focusing today.
and it feels good.

March 7, 2018

our book

in thinking about two different people who had died, my son mentioned to me that dying felt like the book of our life closing. and then the book is put up on the shelf. other people can take it down, flip thru it, remember moments, and learn things from the way the person lived.

i love this visual.

it feels so profound to me.
and it really puts living in perspective.
there’s only so much time to write those pages.

as i walked this morning, i got caught up in some petty thoughts.
and then i remembered my book.

‘do you want to write today’s page filled with this pettiness?’ i asked myself. and obviously, i did not.

i have a chalk board right here by my desk.
i write thoughts there i want to hold close during the day.
today’s may stay for awhile.
until i can get it ingrained in my thoughts.
it is this –

‘what are you filling your page with today?’

what a great question, huh?

i want to keep that forever in my mind.
and i want to think about what i want my book to say.

the thought moves me to tears.
wanted to share.