transitioning into me

i don’t even know how to describe this.
bear with me?
read between the lines,
allow for gaps,
and see if any of this makes sense?

being a mom was a huge huge part of my life.
it really took a ton of focus and learning and giving.
the guys were always on my mind and what i needed
to do in relation to them was a constant pondering.
then everyone grew up.
and while it wasn’t bam! one day they grew up,
it kinda felt that way to me.

so then i spent a few years trying to understand that
and how i was sposed to be with them.
how do i work in relation to them now?
i did a whole lotta dropping the ball and doing things wrong,
and learning learning learning.

without really realizing it was happening,
i think i got to a place where i understood the dynamics more
and can navigate better now. (and yeah, it took long enough!)
and i think, somehow, in getting better with that,
the natural letting go that happens on the upper levels,
has now happened deeper.

it was like before i knew i had to let go,
so i forced myself to let go.
and now – there’s no forcing….it just is.

i feel like i gotta put a disclaimer in here – you know i don’t have
this all down and i’m not perfect by any means. but i do feel like
i’ve gotten good with what i’ve needed to get good with. and i wasn’t
sure i ever would.

and getting good with it brings something i wasn’t expecting –

me.

my gosh.
it opens the door wide open to me.

and again, i ‘knew’ this was going on in the way your brain knows,
but your bones don’t have it yet. so there was always a piece missing.
the bone piece. the deep piece. and you feel that when that’s missing.

but now, guys……now……..i think my bones are getting this.

and i am so comfortable and happy with this that i’m a little bit stunned.

and! i’m thinking ‘why on earth don’t i know to expect this stuff??!! why
don’t i remember over and over again that these things are all processes –
and i need to trust the process?!!’

yeah, well….maybe the forgetting over and over is all a process too.

don’t know.

all i know is that i feel good.
feel like i’ve arrived somewhere i was kicking and screaming about going to
and i’ve found it quite lovely and i’d like to stay for a bit.

and i’m reminded again – in such a beautiful way –

trust the process, terri. just keep trusting the process.

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