thinking out loud

okay, so bear with me.
i have no idea where i’m going here.

not long ago i got some buttons pushed.

ahhh those lovely buttons.
you know they’re buttons when everything
suddenly goes sideways inside you.

floooup.

but this time i did something different.
i countered every single thing i usually do to cope,
and tried something new.

so, okay, i’m talking after everything’s over.
you’re on your own trying to balance again.
right?
i usually do stuff that is some form of ‘run!’
or ‘hide!’ or ‘disappear.’

for some reason, without thinking it thru,
i fought those responses and encouraged myself to
‘stay’ or ‘be present’ or ‘own your space.’

all of which was very hard to do.
my natural inclinations were the opposites.
but i honestly believe there was some inner knowing
at work inside me. and i felt it on some level,
and tried to follow it.

as i sit here thinking about that today,
i wonder if it’s a part of the work of ‘seeing clearly.’
seeing that my ‘typical’ ways of coping with deep stress
are habits that don’t get me anywhere.

and that if i break those habits and stand in my own space,
i am somehow claiming that those buttons that got pushed
are just that – buttons.
they aren’t me.
they aren’t true.
and they don’t have the power to take me – or push me – away
unless i let them.
i just see clearly and deal with what i see.

i think that’s all in there.
breaking the habits feels really important.
and tricky,
cause, of course, i want to allow for room for self protection
and self care –
i just really have to be aware of what that is and not assume
it’s what i’ve always been doing.
i want to see clearly!

if we’re constantly growing and changing,
shouldn’t our responses to things also grow and change?
i don’t know.
this is all on my mind this morning
and i’m liking how it feels like it threads together,
but still not quite sure about it all.

i’m guessing it’s going to take a few more button hits to figure out?

oooch.