heroes

it was just one of those moments.
it just happened.

i was exercising.
had the music on.
and just happened to be in front of a photo
that my son made for me.
it’s of me as an adult with me as a kid – together.

and i happened to be staring at it when the lyrics
to the song that was on caught my attention.

it was about being a hero –
being someone who took care of things,
being someone who never ran away.

and that’s when it hit me.

i want to be the hero for myself.

i have been close to this thought many other times
with slightly different angles.

when i very first started out on my journey on my own,
i told myself over and over that everything i needed
was inside myself.

that’s very similar, yes?

i have told myself it’s up to me to take care of myself.

i’m pretty sure i’ve told myself stuff that rubbed shoulders
with the hero thought a lot.

thing is –
the hero thought is a wee bit of a different angle.
and it made a huge impact the moment it landed.

the wording of the lyrics had something to do with it as well.
i believe they mentioned not hiding.

and ‘hiding’ is one of my go to protections i do for myself.

hiding has its place.
but i overuse it to my own detriment.

and probably what made this really hit me in the face
was that i had been thinking for days that i wanted
my 59th year to be about standing tall in who i was.

i wanted to stop hiding.

so, between everything, i got hit by this bolt of lightning
that morning as i exercised.

and i thought about heroes.
how we think of other people being them,
or sometimes we want to be one for someone else.

but being one for myself –
being my own for me –

well, that’s new.
and i am in love with that thought!