her white tree…a retelling

i had no idea that going to go grab one of noah’s
photos to share, would make me stop in my tracks
and remember so many things that needed remembering.

his beautiful picture immediately brought back the
visual of my very own white tree.

i went digging for a blog i wrote when this visual
was born years ago. that’s a mistake to do if you
don’t have days and days to go down memory lane.
finally, after getting sidetracked over and over
and not finding what i was looking for, i decided
to just sum up the darn idea of ‘her white tree.’

it was a visual that came as an answer to my searching
and pondering on how to heal some of my wounds.
i thought ‘rebuilding’ something inside of me was
what i needed to be doing. but that whole process of
rebuilding wouldn’t fit, and only proved to get me stuck
over and over again.

in talking this over with my sons, i realized that i
didn’t have to rebuild anything. that what i was
looking for had never left me: it had never been completely
erased.

yes, it had been burnt and hacked and scarred…and cut
way way way back – but there, under the ashes were the still
alive parts of my core –

and a visual came of my very own white tree waiting to
grow forth.

this gave me so much to work with. it felt so natural.
how do you help something grow?
you nurture it, you tend it, water it, give it sunlight.
you gotta clear the ashes off from the top of it and
water it with your tears and let goodness and love warm it.

it gave me a start.
it gave me something to sink my teeth into.
it gave me something to hold on to and visualize
and work towards.

and it inspired the bone sigh, ‘her white tree’

“a tree of life.
a tree of knowledge.
a tree of soul.
a tree of goodness.
a tree of her.
it was her core.
burnt.
scarred.
hacked.
cut.
chopped
and carved in.
it was still there.
It was still there!
pushing the ashes out of the way,
making room for sunlight
and water –
she nurtured it back to fullness,
she nurtured it back to life.
and she and her tree
held the sky and its moon
and together, they danced
and together, they grew.”

noah’s beautiful image can be found at bfg productions

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