journal

musings and ponderings…

February 19, 2016

opening into the vulnerability…

and the little voice whispered –
‘this is the stuff of your journey,
this is the stuff that needs to be shared.’
and so i sit myself down wondering where
to even begin.

it’s been a hard start of the year for me.
for different reasons.
some of the reasons big.
some of them not so big –
but feeling like they were anyway.

all of them making me question who i am
and what i’m doing.

those are big uncomfortable questions.

and i’m thinking that love month has kept me
going and helped me more than i could have
ever imagined right now.

love month and working on focusing on the
good. cause, truly, there is so much good.
all the eating right and exercising resolutions
have helped. so much has helped. i was doing
good. holding my own. keeping the wolves at bay.

but then a cold knocked me down.
and weakened me.
and the love letters to myself stopped.
the worries about work ramped up.
and the self doubt turned into much more
than doubt – complete with name calling.

yeah, the cheer leader for loving yourself
was calling herself names yesterday.

and trying so very hard not to believe them.

it was just a cold.
a pretty good cold – but still – just a cold.
at first it felt good. it brought me perspective.
i could see how lucky i was and how much i had.

but then…it brought all my fears to light
and crumbled all the strength i had.

so there i sat last nite trying to get
away from the voices in my head. sure
that if i could just get a good nite’s sleep
all would be better today.

and this morning found me crying and cleaning
and arguing with those voices in my head that
were still there. louder than ever.

i’m better now.
a good cry, a good conversation,
and some plans on how to handle things that
need handling have brought me back to some
sort of balance.

but the balance is precarious.
and i know that.
and that’s why i’m listening to that little voice
that says to put this out there.

because so many of us are in the middle of this
balancing act. and sometimes we look around and
think we’re all alone.

and we’re not.
not by a long shot.
we just don’t know how to talk about it.
how to step into the deep vulnerable space that
this precarious place makes.

it’s not easy.
the whole journey is not easy.
for any of us.

looking back at the last couple weeks,
i can see how a cold would knock me off my game
because i can see how fragile the balance is sometimes.

and i can see how incredibly easy it is to
slip back into self doubt – and worse.

that’s what we do.
we believe the voices in our head and we let them
pull us under and we shake with such fear.

i’m still shaking, guys.
i am.
but i’m also stepping into the vulnerable
and saying ‘here i am. by golly, i am so here.
and i’m gonna stay here and do what i gotta do.’

because that’s what else we do –
we do what we gotta do.

we just forget that part.

i’m here to remind me.
and to remind you.

shaking, we still do what we gotta do.

fighting the name calling, we turn back to
who we are and we stand up and own it.

until we fall again.

because that’s what it means to travel
this journey.

and we’re travelin’, baby.
we’re travelin’ – tears, fears, shaking and all.

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February 16, 2016

a little coldish…

someone around here has a cold.
no big deal.
just a cold.
and there’s been so many major medical
problems around me, that even mentioning
a cold seems outta line or something.

but here’s the thing.

last nite i had a wicked headache all nite.
and so at some point, i thought of the young
woman i know who has had daily migraines as
long as she can remember. she just keeps
going and doing the things she’s gotta do.

i thought of her a lot last nite.
because i figured maybe i’d have to multiply
my headache by 100 to get hers. i tried to
imagine living her days.

and to say i sat and ‘honored’ that is a little
strange….but somewhere in that phrasing is some
kinda truth. i just took time to really try
to understand her pain.

and she’s just one of the folks i thought of
so far thru the minor ailments i’ve had.

i keep thinking of my friends with the big stuff
goin’ on.

it’s kinda a double whammy.
their problems put a cold in the perspective
it should be, but the cold brings me down
low enough and quiet enough that some sorta
window gets opened for me and i can see a little
clearer, i can sit with what they’re going thru
and just be present in it a bit in a strange
sorta way.

obviously so far removed and pain free from
what they go thru…but still…..an awareness
more than a regular healthy day might hold.

and suddenly a cold seems like a most amazing
gift of awareness.

go figure.

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February 12, 2016

real

so there was a quote on my mind
that i wanted to read to myself today.
then when i walked in my back door,
before i could get to it,
my girlfriend showed up at my front door.

i stepped out on the porch to talk to her.
i’ve got a germy man inside and wanted
to spare her the germs.

so there we stood talking.
me in my socks in the cold,
but forgetting my feet as i listened
to her speak and saw the tears in her eyes.

we talked.
and hugged.
and i said ‘i have a quote on my mind today,
think it might be something you need as well.’

then posted it on faceback and got a strong
reaction from another woman who needed to read it.
so i’m thinking maybe there’s a few of us out here
today that need this quote.

so i’m posting it here as well.

“she had worked so hard
on seeing her heart –
now she realized she had
to do more than just see it.
she had to hold it when
no one else would,
she had to believe in it
when others doubted it,
she had to love it more
than anyone else could-
because only then would she
be able to open it and
offer it for Real.”

click here to view print

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February 11, 2016

the task…the job…the chore.

so i made some resolutions and told you
about this specific one –
the one where i write myself a love note,
poem or thought every day.

well…not every day…but most work days.
the days i’m alone in the house.

it was my task.
my job.
my chore.
my resolution.

and just because it helped me remember to do it,
i did it in the same spot at the same time of day.
if it’s routine, i’ll get in the swing of it better.
i knew that.

what i didn’t know was that i was setting up
something beautiful for myself.

i think it has something to do with my writing
these in the same spot. i think because of that,
i can easily recall the feeling of sitting down
and doing them.

and i think because the writing of these has been
such a powerful thing for me, i have come to feel
such good feelings when i sit down and start.

together, that seems to have opened a door to something.
one day, later in the evening, for no particular reason
that i know of, i just recalled that morning sitting
and writing myself a note –
and i could feel this really good feeling inside me.
it felt like a safe place opened right up inside of me.

sort of like in the movies when you see someone get
hypnotized and they say the magic hypnotic word and
they immediately do whatever it is they were hypnotized
to do! kinda like that – i thought of writing my notes,
and immediately felt good and felt safe.

holy cow! look at that! i thought.

holy cow!

this job i had given myself had become so much more
than some job. some thing i had to do –
it had started to become a joy.
and it has begun to open something very cool for me.

and i thought THAT was a really nifty thing to share
during love month!

here’s to journeying deeper and deeper into self love!

the job

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February 10, 2016

i can hear my heart calling

‘weary, weary one.
i will be your spot of joy.
take a break from those you love –
let them all take care of themselves.
and just rest in me.’
(from my collection of notes to my heart)

there are times our most beloved people
in the world are not able to nurture
whatever’s going on inside of us.
and we’re not able to nurture them as well.

there are times, tho we love them with
all our hearts, we need to just excuse
ourselves for a bit and turn inward.
and let them live their lives without us.

there are times that is necessary for everyone.

that feeling that has been brewing inside
of me for some time now, got topped off
this morning when my partner, just before
stepping out the door for the day, decided
he felt too sick to leave and went back to bed.

as he sleeps, i contemplate the days ahead.
fiercely independent, he won’t need much from me.

and there will be a quiet here that i need
to step into for myself.

perhaps the timing is perfect.
i can hear my heart calling.

‘we will rest in each other
and let the world take care of itself today.’

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February 9, 2016

sliding into a whole different mood…

i think it’s been close to a year now
where i’ve been goin’ thru some stuff that
has challenged me to rethink a lotta the
assumptions i’ve had in life.

while i believe that’s a very good thing,
it sure ain’t easy.

i’ve gone thru this kinda thing before,
but as i recall,
the last time was more about beliefs i
held about living.

this time around it’s beliefs about me.

and while i honestly think that’s one of
the best things that can happen to someone,
i gotta say – it’s also really sucked.

there has been so much soul searching,
looking and watching that many times i’ve
been exhausted, full of self doubt or
depressed.

part of the process, yes?

but then…….who knew…..
i looked up after a moment i woulda
guessed would cause more deep self doubt,
and i didn’t feel it.
i actually knew my own truth,
and it didn’t feel like it could be snatched.
go figure.

i recalled one other time i had this chance –
where it was so powerful for me,
but i didn’t know at the moment –
where i could let someone tell me what was true,
or i could believe what i knew.
and again, without my realizing the power it
would hold for me, i held what i knew.

soon after, i got to a place
where i felt like i was sliding up to
the plate, ready to play ball again.

i actually visualized that in my head.
the whole thing –
running up to the plate
with my hair flyin’ behind me and
sliding in,
one foot forward,
ready to really play now.

i could feel the energy zip thru my heart
in a way that it hasn’t in ages.

soul searching matters.
self doubt isn’t always a bad thing.
we gotta look at assumptions as much as we can.
but then….
then…
we gotta decide what’s what.

i’m thinking the soul searching isn’t done
for me. that it will go on and on for awhile.
but for the first time since it began,
i feel completely up for the task
and i feel like i’m finding a belief in me
that i’m thinking i really needed to find.

right smack in the middle of love month.
feels kinda darn perfect to me.

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February 8, 2016

the red love month bird…

why are you always where i can see you?
at first, years ago,
it really creeped me out.
like some sorta strange alfred hitchcock movie –
the red bird always sitting, watching.
whatever window i looked out,
the cardinal was there.

after the millionth time,
i googled what you symbolized,
but still didn’t feel any significance to what i read.

after getting used to it,
calmly telling myself over and over that a
family of cardinals live in my yard,
so of course i would see them constantly…
i got so i ignored it.
i ignored them.
i ignored you.

because deep down,
it really seemed to defy logic.
it really was odd.
and i didn’t want to think about it.
deep down it still creeped me out.

until now.
this morning.
sitting at my desk,
putting my elbows down
and resting my face in my hands,
thinking.
i looked out and saw you.
bam.
right there.

and i stopped.
and asked out loud –
‘why are you always where i can see you?’

and for the first time ever,
i got this really peaceful feeling.
and you did feel like a symbol to me.
but not any i read about on the internet –

you feel like a presence that is here with me.
a loving presence watching me.

and when i finally got that
and watched and soaked in that feeling,
you flew outta my sight.

as if your job was done for the morning,
and you could move on.

the tears came to my eyes,
and the feeling of the presence stayed.

i don’t care anymore.
if it’s because so many cardinals live in my
yard that i’m bound to see them every single time
i look out my window, or if it’s a presence
of something else, or if it’s just a weird
coincidence.

it’s love month.
and my little red bird is making me feel loved.

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February 5, 2016

space making

i’ve talked of the space making
concept before. but i’m thinking it’s
one heck of an important concept,
and i wanted to include it in on the
love month posts.

to be clear, i don’t know what i’m talking about.
i just kinda sense something here that i think
we should explore. and it feels so incredibly
important to me.

i’ve been watching it in how i react to other people
and the space they do or do not make for me,
and how i sometimes hold back the space i could
make for them because of hurt that i’m feeling.
i get too wrapped up in what i need,
to offer what they need. and then there’s very little
space indeed.

so. okay. what the heck do i mean?

do you ever just talk with someone where you feel
safe and it’s easy to say what’s on your mind?
or you get to think new thoughts or explore what’s
inside you. or you get help in figuring out a problem.
how come you feel that with some people and not
with others?

i believe it’s all that stuff we think of right away –
the non-judgment we might feel,
the sincere listening,
the caring that is shown…
all that stuff.
roll all that stuff together and you get this
awesome ‘space’ made for you.

it is in that space we can really be ourselves.

when you’re with someone and you don’t feel that space –
how come?

well the opposites of what i just said, i guess.
throw in defensiveness on their part which leads
to not feeling seen or heard, and you get no space
to feel safe and be who you are.

space.
i’m thinking this space is where we truly get to
be ourselves. it’s where we truly touch real.

so how come so little of it?
how come we don’t feel it everywhere?
i guess it’s obvious and it’s all the games we
have to play.

but i want more of it.
i want to be in it more
and i want to offer it more.

i tend to think i’m good at offering it.
that i’m aware of it.
but where i get really snagged is when i’m hurt.
when i react to someone shutting down that space for me.
bam.
then i shut down the space i would offer them.

okay, there’s times that’s appropriate.
we gotta shut down sometimes.
i get that.
but there’s a lotta times that it would help
so much if i could keep offering that space.
it would change everything.

but how do you keep offering space when you
feel hurt?

that question right there – the deep struggle
that it really is to do that – makes me think
space is really all about love and open hearts.

and i’m thinking that’s one of the greatest
acts of love we can do – stay as open as
we can and keep offering to those we love
when we’re hurt.

and i’m thinking i suck at it.

sigh.

but! it’s love month!
and it’s a month to play with this stuff
and try to be more aware and try to
offer love as much as we can.

whew.

so i’ll at least hold the awareness in my heart,
and maybe, just maybe i can get better at this.

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February 4, 2016

weekly email

i sent out our weekly email this morning!
and wanted to share it with you here.

i wonder if i could actually put the whole thing
right in here? hmmm…well, for now…..here’s
the link.

if you don’t get it, and would like to, there’s
a sign up link on the bottom.

click right here!

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February 3, 2016

letter to a weary heart

hello friend,

news of your weariness comes to me in so many different ways.
the difference in how you wake these mornings –
relieved the nite filled with bad dreams is over,
yet unsure of the reasons that used to propel you out of bed with joy.
the heaviness of the eyelids in the middle of the day,
the pain that is constantly there, whispering ‘i will not be ignored.’
the tears that come regularly now,
filling the silences with quiet sobs.
i have been watching.
allowing your sadness.
trusting your process.
and waiting.
okay.
okay.
you’re right.
fighting it all a little too.
okay.
fighting it a lot.
for you see, i don’t want you to be weary.
when you get weary, i get scared.
‘why?’ you ask me.
i guess because i’m afraid you’ll get so tired you’ll leave.
and if you leave, where will i be?
i would be empty beyond any empty i could ever imagine.
i need you.
you are the source of my song,
my drive,
my desire to live.
you are what i believe in when i can’t believe in anything else.
you are my depths,
my heights,
my vastness.
and i couldn’t bear it if you leave.
so i came today to write you.
and ask you to stay.
i came to remind you of all that you are.
to me, at least.
to me.
i can’t call you my god,
because that would imply some kind of ending with us,
and i know there’s more.
you are my god connection.
you are what reminds me that i am indeed holy.
did you know that?
did you know how much you matter to me?
does it help you to know?
i think maybe it does.
i think maybe i should tell you more often.
you get sad for so many reasons.
and then when it gets so deep and wide,
you feel such sorrow.
you sobbed yesterday for the cruelty of humanity.
you cried and cried and cried.
i heard the words thru sobs
thru the shaking
asking over and over how we could possibly hurt each other like we do.
really craving an answer.
wanting the brutality to stop.
needing some sort of understanding.
and yet there is none.
i wish i could give you answers that worked.
i wish i could wrap it all up and tie it together and make it
something we could hold.
but i can’t.
we can’t hold it.
i wonder if that’s an okay thing?
maybe we just can’t.
and maybe we need to sob for the world sometimes.
maybe somehow that’s an offering we need to give.
and maybe the holding doesn’t matter.
maybe the tears are the gift.
but maybe there’s more to the gift, dear friend,
maybe it’s our not giving up,
our not retreating,
our standing up again.
maybe it’s our presence no matter what.
maybe it’s our getting stronger,
not weaker.
maybe it’s our shining brighter,
not dimmer.
maybe it’s our showing up,
not hiding.
oh, but how?
how to find that strength sometimes?
how to believe it matters?
maybe you need me then.
maybe that’s my time to step up.
maybe i need to show up then and remind you,
instead of fearing your disappearance,
maybe it’s the time for me to wrap myself around you
and tell you what you mean to me.
because if you know that you are seen
in at least one place
and you are understood
and you are loved for all that you are,
and that i believe you matter
i believe that the world needs hearts like you,
maybe we can bring you back to life,
so that you can stay in this world after all.
what do you say, weary one?
rest a bit.
you need it.
rest.
you rest.
i’ll trust.
i’ll stop being afraid you won’t return.
i will know you are only resting.
and you will hold my love for you.
that’s what you can hold –
what you mean to me.
i will wait for your return,
i will wait for your light.
when you’re ready,
bring me your light.
bring all of us your light.

to my heart

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