journal

musings and ponderings…

September 8, 2015

silver linings

this was our quote of the day today.
it’s been with our line for years and years
and years! but seems a lotta people hadn’t
seen it before. so i wanted to share it today
as an offering to those in the darkness.

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silver linings

“i walked thru hell and burned my soul…
ashes falling from my hand…
part of me lost forever.
grieving,
i found the others,
burnt and charred like me.
holding on to each other,
i knew –
even hell had a silver lining.”

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September 4, 2015

an odd moment

even to me it seemed like an odd moment.
it caught me off guard and made me realize
there’s so much more inside of myself than
i’m aware of…

i was at the coffee shop.
there was an older woman standing at the
little tea/coffee/napkin spot.
she looked just like what you’d describe
a grandmother as. she was the spittin’ image
of the stereotype.

our eyes connected and she smiled a warm
gramma smile at me and said hello.
that was it.
we didn’t have a conversation,
i was walkin’ by her.
i said hello back, smiled warmly back,
and kept goin’.

but my insides did this really weird thing.

all of a sudden every part of me missed
those women in my life.

the elderly grammas, the great aunts,
the older, white haired, soft kind ladies
that just hugged you and had that certain
ol’ lady smell that was good.

i missed the time when i didn’t know their
issues or their problems. when i didn’t see
the pain they were in, or the sadness they
carried. the time when they were just comfort
and warmth.

gosh.
that was a long time ago.

i missed that innocent age of simple.

and heck, seriously, how old are you at that point?
like two???

i don’t know……but my gosh, my whole body reacted.
and i could feel this real longing for it.

was that little terri looking for something?
was that big terri just weary and wanting ease and comfort?

i don’t know.
but the emotion surprised me.
i don’t remember ever feeling that before.

is it always there?
or does it float in and out and i just happened
to see it this time before it floated away?

how many things are floating in and out of us?
and how many things are we missing?

it makes me wonder……….

September 3, 2015

hmmmm….

here’s an interesting thought i wanted to share.

it’s not mine.
it’s from mr. mark nepo and his book,
‘finding inner courage’ –

“For every time we face our own pain at being broken,
we dissolve the heart’s need to relive the break.”

hmmmmmmmm………..

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September 2, 2015

life

it has been a really full life day today.

feels like it’s been packed full of the profound.

here’s one of my favorite pieces –

the alarm woke me this morning in the middle of
a nightmare.

had to do with my past and some of the awful
feelings i had to get thru to make my way into
my present.

it was unsettling and i did a lot of cleaning and
house projects from the moment i woke.
the dream brought back a lot of hurt and pain
and i was just tryin’ to clean it all outta me, i think.

several hours later, i landed at my computer
and got a note that could not have been better timing.

for me, it said – you did it. you turned in the direction
you needed to. and even when it was so miserable and you
felt so lost, you still somehow had the compass goin’.
and it was guiding you to the sacred inside. and it was
guiding you to the people who would help you find your way.

yeah.
that’s what this note said.
to me, at least.

it’s not what she put into words.
she didn’t know.
but that’s the message i took from it.

and i knew she’d understand.
so i told her.
and she told me she loved me.

and i smiled at the timing.

some of those changes we gotta make are gut wrenching.
not sure some of that pain will ever be totally gone.
but my gosh, after tryin’ to clean it all outta me today,
and not quite doin’ it –
i sat back and thought ‘it’s okay. it’s all okay.
you’re traveling where you need to.
and it really is okay.
even the unsettling that comes back to visit.’

maybe it reminds me of just how far i’ve traveled.

figured that was worth sharing to any other travelers out there…..

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September 1, 2015

from my yellow pad of paper…

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tsunami

maybe the crisp clear awareness
i feel at the beach comes because
of the ocean i carry inside me.
for i can no longer deny its presence.

the waves that have washed and
rocked my insides since childhood.
the tides that are pushed and pulled
by both moon and man.
the water that can soothe
as well as freeze.
the depth of the ocean inside me
roars upon my heart today.

the tsunami comes at night
rising higher and higher,
screaming of your passing.
pulling me under,
tumbling me over and over
through the pain and the fear.
over and over the good memories
and the bad.
tossing me through the unfinished story
between us.

morning comes.
and the tsunami subsides.
i go about my day,
filling the ocean with my tears,
tasting the salt on my lips.
a gull flies overhead.
a starfish lands at my feet.
a dolphin jumps among the waves
and my heart leaps.

i remember the vastness of it all.
hope fills my heart.

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August 31, 2015

what is it you’re after?

so, like…..
i’ve been watchin’ people.
a lot lately.
a whole lot.
and tryin’ to see if any of us are listening
or just too busy knowing.
and if we’re knowing – what the heck is it
we’re knowing?
and what is it we’re after?

what is it – really – that we’re after?

and are we asking ourselves that
and then actively heading in that direction?

or are we just too busy knowing?

the more i watch,
the more knowing i see
and the less knowing i want.

and the more i’m seeing the amount that
assumptions
run our day and our course….
and how we allow these things to get us off
the paths that we say we want –

ohmygosh, the more i want to pay attention.
and the less i want to assume.

it’s a lifetime of patterns to break.
and as far as i can tell,
it’s what will make that lifetime worthwhile.

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August 28, 2015

buckin’ our nature

ahhhh….had a thought –
it was sparked by a conversation earlier,
but i think it’s been whirling around inside for a bit now.

that maybe just because something’s ‘our nature’
doesn’t mean it’s something helpful to us.

it’s so easy to say ‘that’s my nature to do it that way.’
and just do it the way we always do things.

but……um……
spose there’s a better way to do it.
spose there’s a way that would be more beneficial to you?
might be worth buckin’ our nature and doin’ it differently, yes?

one of those obvious no-brainers?
yeah, i think so.
but how many of us are lookin’ at it?
thinking i’ve been missing it.

so thought i’d offer this out there to anyone else
who might be missing it as well.

time to buck my darn nature!
well, parts of it, anyway.
not all of it.
but definitely parts.

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August 26, 2015

ohmygosh!

i just talked about clarissa yesterday.
then i mentioned her to a friend today
and my friend hadn’t heard of her.
this woman has done so much for my life,
i just feel like every woman out there should
read her!

so i grabbed my ‘women who run with the wolves’
book off my shelf.

my gosh, this book even LOOKS like it’s been
my bible over the years. it’s got stuff sticking
out of it, underlines in every different color
you can underline in, some entire pages colored
over with crayon, and definitely those dog ear bends.

i thought i’d just do a quote from this book to
honor this woman today.

and i could NOT believe what i opened up to.
this ties in completely with yesterday’s post –

there, the only thing underlined on that page is
this sentence –

The predator of her own psyche offered her the
gold of being loved if she would give up her
instincts that said ‘Enough is enough.’

wow.

and that is the perfect sentence for me to honor
this woman with. her writing helped me find inner
strength i didn’t know i had. she helped me feel
like i wasn’t alone, and she definitely made me
feel understood.

toasting clarissa pinkola estes today!

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August 25, 2015

i know now…

i heard a story today on the audio i’m listening to.
one of those fairy tale kinda stories where you have
the predator, and the girl who would be killed by that
predator, but she figured it out, tried to tell her family,
but her family wouldn’t listen. and she began to doubt herself.

what a feeling came over me as i listened.
i remembered a time.
long ago now.
a time where i had come to a place where i understood that
i would die inside if i stayed in that place.
i was so sure of it, that i was willing to lose everything
just to stay alive, and my family couldn’t hear. wouldn’t hear.

i don’t think about that stuff much anymore.
i made it out alive.
and the things that mattered stayed.
much fell away.
but perhaps as it should have.
it’s past history.
i’ve moved forward.

but this morning, it all washed over me again.

i not only made it out alive.
i’ve grown.
thrived.
become so much more of me.

and i know now deep in my bones that there will be those
close by that will tell you that you’re wrong.
that you’re doing the wrong thing.
that you need to stop and do the ‘right’ thing.
and your soul’s survival will not be on the scale
that they weigh these words on.

and i know now deep in my bones that it is up to us
to hear the cries of our soul and to travel where
it is healthy. leaving those who don’t understand
behind.

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August 24, 2015

cause….well….

i was lucky enough to steal some alone time
this weekend. i think between being an introvert
and coming into a place where i really want to get
to know myself better, i just about salivate when
i figure out i can run away by myself for a bit.

i found myself wandering around DC and walking by
a family. the little boy was asking his mom a question
that totally made me smile –

‘do you think chocolate people should eat chocolate?
cause….well…….’

wow!
talk about one heck of a kid question!
and i loved the ’cause….well….’ that traveled
after it.

unfortunately i never heard what mom answered.
i hope it was a good response.
it certainly deserved one.

i got to thinking about how completely precious kids are.
and how i would have loved to wander with that little boy
and talk about it.

i pictured traveling the path of the profound to the silly
and back again that kids do so well.

that’s a good path.
when you cover both those things, i do believe you’re
on to something.

made me want to travel there a little bit more often.

and maybe have a little chocolate while doing so –

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