journal

musings and ponderings…

November 23, 2015

bad ju ju

man,
it feels like something is in the air,
seems like there’s rough news, sadness,
worry, and lots of general ick all around
the darn place.

i don’t usually say that kinda thing.

i usually can find enough gratitude around me
to see the balance.

and while i can still find a ton to be grateful
for – there is so much right now i’d like to
grab and change for the better.

if i could just be god for ten minutes, i’d
fix a lotta things.

but i can’t.
and so i watch.
and i wonder.
and it feels like there’s so much.

and then i stop and think how much worse
it could be and i think ‘okay, okay. i will
try to keep it all in perspective.’

and i will try to remember how full life is
and how i truly want to learn how to balance
holding it all.

now seems like a great time to practice.

thanksgiving week.
gratitude week.
the start of the holidays.
darkness.
light.
and hope.

deep breath here.
and a focus on the all.

and on the hope.

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November 20, 2015

your passing

i want to just quietly honor someone today.
someone i love.
someone we lost way too early.

i wrote this for her years ago –

“lighting the candle,
i whisper your name.
watching the flame,
i remember your face.
feeling the peaceful glow,
i hold your passing.”

your_passing

lighting a candle today…
and holding her close.

the actual greeting card can be found here.

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November 19, 2015

just sad

i’m sad today.
just sad.
over different things.
the whole range –
from really sorrowful things
to really not that big on the scale.
and i figure that’s okay.

i’m just gonna be sad.

it’s raining today.
and it feels kinda perfect.
my eyes have been crying
right along with the sky.

at first i thought i would try to
turn it around.

and then i decided to just let it be.

interestingly enough,
the tears slowed down when i did that.

just allowed myself to be.

i’m headin’ out soon to watch josh
do a dj show for an assisted living place.

i think it’s gonna remind me of just
how good i got it.

and that feels right too.

life is so full.
and the feeling for this moment is sad.

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November 18, 2015

a side effect

i’m pretty sure what happened this morning
is a side effect form all the horrible news
in the world right now.

a really nice side effect.

i had a moment of gratitude that felt just
a little bit different. and i liked it.
a lot.

i was planning on raking this one particular
patch of my front yard today.
i’m a planner and so i kinda plan out which
parts i’ll tackle and when.

and as i was finishing up my walk and headin’
back to my house when my yard came into view,
i remembered the raking plan.

and without any kinda effort,
or intention,
i immediately thought –
‘it will be a privilege to rake under this
sky today.’

and i meant it.

it just came out.
bam.
and i heard it.
and i knew i meant it.
and i really really liked that it came out.

let’s face it,
raking isn’t on anyone’s top list of things
to do. let alone feeling like it’s a privilege.

except maybe when somewhere deep inside of you
you start to recognize how incredibly lucky you
are to be safe and healthy with your own yard
to rake.

and sometimes, for moments, i really see how
lucky i am.

and then, of course, i forget again.

but this morning, for a moment,
i just totally knew it.

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November 17, 2015

early morning

obviously, the world has been full of grief lately.
darkness.
sorrow.

and there are times it’s hard to remember the light.

when i got up this morning it was really dark out.
and i thought about how much i wanted to be out in
the dark and watch the darkness fade into the light of day.

it mattered to me.
it felt powerfully symbolic.
like something i needed.
and i wanted to purposely hold that beauty of a new day
in my heart.

turned out to be quite an experience.

i not only got to watch brilliant shades of pinks
and magentas light up the sky, i also had a conversation
with some other walkers. neighbors of mine.

they just momentarily mentioned a great loss they had
years ago. they kept going on with the conversation as
if they didn’t want to dwell on it, but rather wanted
to speak to the point at hand.

but, of course, i noticed it.

and as i walked away i thought of all the pain
people carry along with them. and how incredible
the human spirit is.

how they were still kind and loving and friendly
even with the hole that would always be in their hearts.

i watched the sky light up.

and i held the beauty close.

life is so full i don’t know how to handle it all.
if i could just open like the sky…

i will keep trying…

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November 16, 2015

sharin’ josh

as i was contemplating what i wanted
to say today, josh posted his own blog.
i read it and thought it was just
the perfect thing to share.

thanking josh for his heart and
for his light.

you can find his blog here.

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November 13, 2015

a really cool thought

i read this last nite –
from mark nepo’s ‘seven thousand ways
to listen’ and i absolutely loved
the visual. it felt like something
to remember and be patient with.

he’s talking about how hard it is to
change sometimes and then when we finally
do, how weird it feels.

‘It’s like leaning against a wall that is
always pressing in on us. After a while,
we learn that holding up the wall is normal.
When that wall is removed, we have to relearn
how to stand.’

isn’t that perfect?!
and something to remember when we’re feelin’
a little weird after a big change.

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November 12, 2015

a different angle

i know this one’s gonna sound
a wee bit crazy at first.
but bear with me
cause i think this thought
has some potential…

i ran out and did a little raking
this morning.
not long as i’m pacing my aging body!

on my way back in,
i looked up at all the leaves still
waiting to fall.

i marveled at how many leaves each tree has.
and i thought how really cool it was
that they all fell down to earth to be
here in my yard for a little while.

and for the first time ever
i thought about what an honor it was
to be able to rake up a tree’s leaves.

like the trees were giving me a gift.

here’s all these millions of leaves
i’d never be able to get near –
unless –
they fell to the earth for me.
right here.
waiting for me.

and it just felt like the most
wonderful thought.

and for some reason i wanted to share…

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November 11, 2015

crazy day

was a crazy day with our site being
down all day. nothing we could do
about it but wait for it to come back up!

and sure enough, it made its way back.

i can only just imagine what it was like
over at the server’s place today. and
all the calls they musta been getting!
and i’m thinking not all that friendly
of calls either.

i had no idea how much i use the website
when i’m working. it slowed down a lot today,
but sped up a few thoughts on kindness.

there’s always that initial response to
when things like this happen, ya know?

something like ‘AHHHHHHH!!’

and then there’s the picturing the
running around at the server’s place.
and compassion sets in.

so then, finding myself stuck and unable
to do something because of the site
problem, i browsed the web and found
out about the starbuck red cup craze.
ohmygosh.

and again, there was that initial reaction.

something like ‘AHHHHHH!!’

a whole lotta not nice thoughts came running
thru my head.

and once again, i remembered kindness.

it’s harder to keep in mind than you think
sometimes, isn’t it?

and so in honor of these moments, i wanted
to share our greeting card called ‘kindness.’

it feels like a good reminder of just how
powerful and magical kindness is.

kindness

“understanding now that this was the way to open her heart, she dropped to her knees and opened herself to its presence.”

November 10, 2015

different…..not better…

it was one of those sentences
that came up in a conversation today.
one of those that makes you go –
ooooohhhhhh yeah.
good point.

altho, i guess it depends on the context
you hear it in –

i can see people going – ‘wait a minute!
don’t put yourself down!’
and, no, this isn’t about putting yourself
down. it’s about not putting someone else
down as well.

and as usual, it was nice and basic.

it was this –

‘you’re different. not better. not worse.
just different.’

and the person i was talking to was big
enough to hear that and say they were
going to look and see if they’d been acting
as if the other person was less than.

which i thought was way cool.
i love it when we’re strong enough to
look at ourselves.

and, so, of course,
i had to flip that line on myself as well.

and i wish we all would.

the first public place that comes to mind
is politics. and then the list goes on and
on.

but i’m thinking if we all just started
with ourselves….knowing those who were
different than us weren’t less than…..
well, that’d be an awesome place to start.

you’re different. not better.
they’re different. not worse.

seems pretty basic, right?
but maybe we all need reminders in the
basics here and there.

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