journal

musings and ponderings…

March 7, 2016

mister gardner

he was exactly who every teenager would want
to have live up the street.
he was fun
enthusiastic.
mischievous.
and an adult who actually enjoyed teenagers.

he had a couple younger sons i babysat.
and his wife was like a surrogate mom to me.

next door to them,
was another family that wasn’t afraid of
a little fun.

they had some teens my age and kids younger
and the dad would join in with mister gardner
and create havoc with all of us.

birthdays were something i will forever remember.
it was spanking time.
i recall a chase that ended up with the two
GROWN UPS on the roof waiting for the birthday
boy to sneak out the window where he thought
he would be safe.

i laughed out loud typing this and remembering.

they weren’t afraid to let you get rowdy.
heck, THEY got rowdy.
and i think every teen needs a place like that.

last nite, i heard mister gardner passed away.
part of me is relieved for him as he missed his
wife terribly and i really want to believe they
found each other again.

but part of me is so sad that it all goes so fast.
those teen years feel like another lifetime ago,
and yet… they also feel like just a blink away.

and the people – no matter how long we get to be here –
and he got a pretty good ride – it’s still too darn short.
we never have our people long enough.

i can hear our shouting from when i was young –
i’d holler on over to him as he worked in his
garage, and i walked up the street ‘hey, mister gardner!
how you doin’??’
always the same enthusiasm as if i hadn’t seen him in years.
even tho i saw him multiple times most days.
and he’d always just as enthusiastically shout right back – ‘FANTASTIC!’

always.
it was our little thing.

i can still hear that so clearly.
guess it doesn’t matter what the ‘little thing’ is that you
share with someone – if you have something that’s just yours with them,
then maybe you remember it forever.

we talked not too terribly long ago,
over the phone.
and we laughed over the memories
and talked of how good it was to hear each other’s voices.
he sounded tired, worn out…not ready to say he was fantastic anymore.
but still…..it was him.
behind the fatigue.
we could hear each other.
and we remembered.

i am holding him close today.
and remembering what a gift we all are to each other.

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March 4, 2016

could it be the day??

it’s my dad’s birthday today.
he passed away ten years ago.
and this birthday doesn’t seem to be
holding all those strings that many
of the others have held.

but i’m wondering –
could it be holding a string of a very
different flavor?

it’s been one heck of a time for me –
over the last year i have questioned just
about everything in my life.
i mean everything.
for lotsa different reasons that don’t matter.

it’s the questioning that’s been taking such
energy and concentration.

and while it hasn’t been the least bit fun,
i gotta say i truly believe in the long run
this is a really good thing.

and today –
maybe cause i’m thinking of my pop
and some of the really big lessons i learned thru him –
and the really long road i’ve traveled –

i don’t feel like sitting in the doubting mud today.

i just don’t.

and that feels really good.
is it possible it will hold for awhile?

is it possible i will head into spring stronger
for all the looking i’ve been doing, and now
ready to focus forward?

ohmygosh, i hope so!
but one way or another, that’s how i feel today.

and i love that it’s on my dad’s birthday.

to be honest, i don’t think my dad would really
resonate with who i am and how i live and where i want to go.
okay, he’d downright dislike some of it/me.
not all. just some.

and ya know…….that’s okay.

it really really is.

with all the looking and questioning lately,
i see that the only person i really gotta answer to is me.
and baby, i keep doin’ that!

and for today, that’s enough.

which feels kinda cool.

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March 2, 2016

again…

i have posted this before.
i will post it again.
this poem, if i’m lucky,
will shop up over and over again as i go along.

and if i’m lucky,
it will stop me in my tracks every single time.

this is from clarissa pinkola estes
and ‘women who run with the wolves.’

i’m assuming she’s the author of the poem,
but i’m not totally positive.

‘…one night
there’s a heartbeat at the door.
Outside, a woman in the fog,
with hair of twigs and a dress of weed,
dripping green lake water.
She says”I am you,
and I have traveled a long distance.
Come with me, there is something I must show you…”
She turns to go, her cloak falls open,
Suddenly, golden light…everywhere, golden light.’

yeah.
wow.
just wow.

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March 1, 2016

what i’d say to her…

if i could tell her anything,
really tell her so she hears –
it would be something like this…

THE most important thing you can ever do
is to listen to and follow your heart.
believe in its beauty.
work every single day to keep it healthy.

if you focus there, really focus,
you can release into that and let the
rest of life play out as it will.

boundaries will be able to be set without guilt.
you’ll know you’re only doing what you have to
to take care of your heart. you’ll know that is
sacred work and those that matter will understand.
and that those who aren’t healthy enough to grasp
that right now, may learn just from the very act
of watching you. that whatever way others go, you
must go yours.

at the same time, you will be able to make an open
space for others because your heart will be an open
space already.

it will become a wonderful balancing act in which
you will instinctively feel and follow where you are led.

and you will be able to trust in the process that
everyone has to go thru, knowing that we all get
a chance to learn this stuff just by the very gift
of being here on this planet. and that learning involves
failing and falling and hurting.

that compassion matters so much and has similar magical
properties as love and gratitude – but that we often forget
that compassion must also be turned inward and offered to
our own hearts as well.

our hearts know what matters. the emotions we feel deserve
to be recognized and held. so many times they can be used
as tools or magnifying glasses, but then need to be put down
when they’re no longer serving our highest good.

that deeply trusting in this inner guidance is somehow
a release into whatever god is. that somehow when we really
fall into our hearts and listen, we touch the holy.

this is what i was thinking this morning when i wondered
what i would tell her if i could tell her anything.
then i realized – maybe i was the ‘her’ that needed this.

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February 29, 2016

stumbling upon vastness…

it was just a whim.
plans got canceled and it was just filler.
‘well, let’s just go here.’

when i mentioned where to the first two to arrive,
they both looked at me like i had two heads.

‘the natural history museum?’

yeah. what the heck.
i figured it was a good place to start.
and it was already set up with the other half of
the group, so let’s do it.

we had briefly been in there not too long ago
and i was actually creeped out by some exhibit.
so they were a bit surprised.

but we went anyway.
it was just an excuse to be together.
we hadn’t all met up and gotten together in a long time.
so what the heck.

someone wanted to go see marie antoinette’s earrings.
and the way we work is that if anyone has a particular
desire, we’ll go fill it if we can. so we headed off
to find these. what the heck.

gems.
we had to get to the gems.
but you had to go thru a rock display first.

one minute i was just walking thru stuff,
the next i was floored, mouth open, and spirit struck.

we had come to a place where they had meteorites on display.
and there – right there –
where you could touch –
WHERE YOU COULD TOUCH –
was a fragment of one that came from
a 300,000 ton meteorite that struck 50,000 years ago.

woe.

my hands went right to it.
and to the next one and the next one.
i circled around again.
are you kidding me???
this was just too amazing.

i bumped into several different kids that understood
just how cool this was. you could see it in their eyes.
one young girl was just lit up – she, of course, wanted
to be an astronaut. and i have doubt she will. she had
the incredible freshness of getting just how cool this all was.

it took awhile for me to get thru that display.
and by the time we got to the gems, i thought i would just
fall over with overwhelm. there were these beautiful incredible
gems everywhere.

the whole mystery of the universe –
the beauty,
the magnificence,
the vastness…….
the vast vast vastness of it all….
the blues, the greens, the rusts…..

it honestly was a bit much.

the world really is so very overwhelming when you really look.

what a gift to be able to touch something so old that my head
can’t even wrap around it.

what a gift to have the ability to touch.
and to see.

what a gift to be here.

and somehow be the tiniest part of it all.

still reeling a bit…..and smiling an awful lot.

rock

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February 26, 2016

from the head to the heart…

i got to take a coffee break with two
of my sons today. it’s been a long time
since i’ve spent any time with them
and it felt so darn good.

we got to talkin’ about the journey
of getting something that you know in
your head to travel down into your heart.

i felt some of that kinda travelin’ goin’ on
inside me yesterday evening and i didn’t really know why.
i have been wondering for months how to get some
head stuff down into my heart and just been stuck.
and there some of it was, moving down…

how come?
why then?

one of my sons nodded and said he felt a similar
thing recently.

and i think it’s been too long since my sons have
hung out with me as i don’t think he expected my
leaning over asking ‘how?? how did you get it to
shift??’

he didn’t really have an answer and was trying to
figure out when he felt the shift. he gave a time
he thought it happened but his brother corrected him.
apparently the brother witnessed it happen without their
really even knowing.

but now they were thinking about it, they agreed.

so the shift can be seen.

it’s felt by ourselves.
and seen by those around us.

but how does it happen?
do we do something to make it happen?
or does it just have a life of its own?
is that life pushed forward by our being aware
and wanting the shift to happen?

i have no clue.

there’s a voice inside me that’s whispering
that it’s the opening to it that does it.
the over and over opening.
that eventually one of those openings does it –
it makes the pathway open enough for the traveling
to happen between that head and that heart.

i like that idea.
i like that visual.
it gives me something to remember and work with.
it gives me yet another reason to work on opening.

i like it.

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February 25, 2016

dawn

it’s been awhile since i’ve seen the day wake up.

i’ve been walking,
but usually in the dark –
pre-dawn.

this morning tho,
i was delighted to find that the dawn
and i were out together.

i got to thinking of her as a her.
and how gloriously beautiful she is.
and how her beauty reminds me of my own
light and beauty.

and i got to thinking how there are
times i’m around people that i find
beautiful – and when i’m around the
ones that are beautiful inside and out,
i feel good around them.
i remember my own value.

when i’m around someone who is just
beautiful on the outside, i tend to get
a bit critical with my own looks.
i get kinda small and tight.

interesting.
that’s not their doing.
that’s up to me how i react, ya know?

so i’m not exactly sure what i pick up
and what i react to. but i know there’s
a difference in how i react to certain
beauty.

so then, of course,
i got to thinking about beauty.

and how being truly beautiful is being
just like the dawn – showin’ up faithfully
and doin’ your thing, and lighting your world up
with what you are. and how when we do that –
truly do that –
we remind others of the beauty inside them.

i thought that was kinda cool.

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February 24, 2016

a moment

we had a moment –
a powerful moment.
where we truly listened.
and i don’t think that happens
as much as we think it does.

she quietly said she needed to be heard.
i stopped.
everything.
held real still and told her i was listening.
and she said what she needed.

the tears came as i let her speak
and i told her that i heard her.

we paused.

and then i said ‘i need you to hear me now.’
and she quietly said ‘okay.’
and i responded to what she said.
and i heard her tears.
and she told me she heard me.

one moment.
where one soul really spoke to another.

those are too few and far between.

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February 23, 2016

a little moon zing…

i haven’t been outside much at all lately.
bein’ sick and then just tryin’ to catch up
has left me indoors.

and you know how when you’re
indoors a lot, you kinda forget
how much it matters to be outside?
i don’t know if everyone does that,
but i just get kinda numb or dull
or something.

so last nite, when i offered to do
him a favor and run out to the car
and grab something for him, i was
just doin’ him a favor. wasn’t
thinking of going outside.

but bein’ the ever practical one,
since i WAS goin’ outside, i grabbed
the recycling to go out and the
trash and the car keys and had
my hands completely full as i walked
out my front door.

my head was bowed down as i took
the first step out. and then as
i closed the door, i looked up.

and saw her.

the most glorious foggy fuzzy
shimmering moon you’d ever want
to see.

and without even thinking i said
right out loud ‘oh WOW.’

and i just stood there with
my hands full looking at her.

and i could feel this zing of
energy inside me.

honest to pete it was like something
just completely woke up inside me.
like the numb dullness stuff just left.
and i remembered what it was to live.

just like that.

with one look at the moon.

bam

i was alive again.
really alive.

i did all the outside errands
keeping my eye on her the whole time.

and when i came in, i had the biggest
smile on my face.

i looked over at my guy and said
‘the best thing that happened to me all
day just happened – i saw the moon.’

and she saw me.

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