journal

musings and ponderings…

August 9, 2017

grief

yesterday i posted a poem that
i can’t stop thinking about!
which is so cool, isn’t it?!
(did you read it? it’s right below
this post.)

what i got from it is a great story
to work with in my head.

just the idea that if i get weighed down
by something, the gods are right out there
giving me light in a million different ways.
and i can take that light and not be so heavy.

and that i should pay attention and look for it.

i don’t know….it just really hit me right.
and i’ve been holding it ever since.
i liked ‘the gods’ part too.
the plural.
i’m usually just a singular god kinda gal.
but for some reason, it really hit nice.
i like to think of a group of gods in on this
light offering thing. it’s a good visual.

then this morning on facebook, a couple of people
wrote about grieving today. and i thought about grief.
how sometimes it doesn’t matter how much light the gods
hand you – sometimes you can’t lift your head to see it.

thankfully, most times aren’t that dark.
but some days are.

so i thought of the people grieving today.
and i remembered how dark and heavy it is.
i wanted to post my favorite grieving piece.
the quote means a lot to me and has helped me on some dark days.
some times it hasn’t cause there really wasn’t much of anything
that could help.
other times, it did.

so i wanted to offer that.
just because.

and as i was thinking about both these things,
i got excited –
maybe sometimes the gods offer light thru me!
or thru you! sometimes WE’RE THEIR TORCHES, aren’t we?!

i mean, we all know that.
we all know that we can be light for each other.
but i don’t know – i think being so taken with this story idea
of the gods offering me light when i’m heavy has made the idea
of me being light for someone else extra awesome.

definitely something to keep in mind as we move thru our days,
don’t you think?

let’s be torches!

and in an effort to be so –
i wanted to gently offer this bone sigh.
i have it as a print and with a different design as a greeting card.
the greeting card is darker….but i kinda like that.
but i guess i’ll post the print here….
(if you want to see the greeting card, it’s called ‘weeping’
and you can find that here.)

…..

honoring you

“weeping and aching,
i longed to honor your passing.
i longed to honor your life.
searching everywhere,
i found only one answer.
honor myself.
become all that i am.
and carry you inside that beauty. ”

August 8, 2017

oooOOOooohh…..

a friend of mine follows a blog
that i hadn’t heard of before,
but will now be paying attention to!

it’s called ‘First Sip’.
and you can find it here.

the woman behind that blog is claudia cumminns
who you can find here.

and the thing that brought me over this morning
was this quote –

this marvelous quote!

which i intend to print out and read often –
i totally wanted to share!
(hey, and i just noticed! he doesn’t capitalize!)

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

— by Charles Bukowski

August 7, 2017

magical

i got to do something this weekend
that i don’t think i have ever done
in my whole entire life!

i got to sit in the middle of a river
on a boat
under the moon
right in the path of the moonlight on the water…

ohmygosh.

i had no idea what i’ve been missing.

it was so incredibly magical.

just like everyone else in the world,
i’ve heard stories of mermaids and fairies
and all kindsa magical things.

i have always delighted in them
and loved them.
and never once thought about why we had those stories.

they just were.

but as i sat there on the river
looking at the diamonds of light dancing on the water,
it totally hit me that we HAD to have magical stories.
they had to be here.
there’s no way they couldn’t be.
cause we have to do something with this magic that we witness.

for some reason,
this realization seemed important to me.

maybe because i feel like i have to do something with it too.
not sure what.

but it’s so overwhelmingly wonderful
that it’s hard to hold inside.
it somehow just has to tumble out.

i guess that’s with everything that’s overwhelming, isn’t it?
sorrow, joy, horror – anything that just fills you so much that
you can’t hold it all.

friday nite it was magic for me.

and i love even more now that there’s stories of mermaids and fairies.

August 4, 2017

love or fear, baby….love or fear…

we all know that thought that
everything you do is based in
either love or fear, yes?

i like that thought.

and haven’t once seen it not be true.

well, i’ve been thinking about ‘reactions’ lately.

it started out easy for me to see as i watched it
in another person. ha! that’s always so much easier
for me to see than watching something in me.

i saw them react from a place of fear.
and wow did it close doors.

and wow….it would be so much easier if the reaction
had just come from a place of love.
why did they pick fear?

so then i got to thinking about it.
because we must all be doin’ this kinda stuff all
day long without even knowing it.
totally totally we’re doin’ it if we get threatened.
but how many times are we threatened
and don’t even realize it?

so i started looking really close.

ohmygosh you guys.
how in the world do we ever untangle all the stuff
inside us that there is to untangle?

it starts out like this –
i see a reaction in me.
and everything you do all day is either an action
or a reaction, yes?
and i need to look at both things.
but right now i’m focused on reactions.

okay. that reaction comes from fear.
okay.
what’s the fear?
i come up with something – usually about the other person.
nah, terri, if it’s about the other person, dig deeper.
so i dig more.
and i keep digging.
and i find really deep reasons for the fear.

it’s not the first stuff you come up with.
at least, with me, it’s not.
the more you dig, the more you understand.

oh man.

so it’s this deep stuff i gotta sit with.
and i gotta remember past issues are past issues
and it doesn’t help to mix ’em with present stuff.

and i gotta focus on present stuff.
and i gotta intentionally act with love.

yeah.
right.
like how do you do all this stuff in the moment that
it’s all happening?
i mean, seriously!
and how can you become so aware that you really see
all these millions of reactions you have every darn day?!

i doubt you can.
but you know what?
i’m gonna work on it anyway.

cause the less i’m driven by fear,
the more of me i actually am.

and i’m thinking none of us have any clue just how much
fear is really running the show.

i’m gonna get clued in here.
and the fact that i’ve decided that,
makes me think i’m gonna get knocked around a bit
because something inside me likes that fear runs the show.

but there’s a bigger part of me that’s ready to claim herself.

and the way she’ll do that may just be one reaction at a time.

baby steps.
maybe baby steps take me all the way to the woman i really am.

fear or love?
which is driving that last reaction you just had?
which will drive the next?

August 3, 2017

it’s an inner child thang…

i kinda knew…
but i didn’t really know…
i had a feeling…
but put different words on it…
and then i realized!

it’s an inner child thang!

okay, seriously, if you don’t think you have
an inner child inside you, i respect that.
maybe you honestly don’t.
we don’t all have to work the same.
BUT don’t just discount it until you look to see, okay?

cause years ago, i had NO IDEA i had one.
and now i can’t understand how i didn’t know!

and lately, mine’s been hiding.
yep.
and i totally felt it.
know exactly how it happened.
but wasn’t really tying the feelings inside after that to her hiding.

i was thinking things like ‘you’re too much in your head.
you gotta get outta your head right now.’

yeah.
okay.
that sounds fine.
but it felt like something was missing from that thought process.

SHE was missing!
she IS missing.

and now that i just say that out loud,
i’m okay.
cause i understand why,
and i know how to make room for her to come around again.

maybe everyone doesn’t work this way.
but i swear, i can’t be the only one who does.
and it’s such a strong part of my life.

it’s the part that plays and laughs and twinkles.

if you haven’t seen that part of you in a long time,
maybe that part’s hiding.
and maybe you need to make some space for that part of you
to feel safe and come back and light your eyes up again.

i have an inner child “e-course” that i offer –
if this is all sounding new but maybe possible,
definitely check it out.

as for me, i need to go have a little tea party with myself.
i’ve been missing little terri.

August 2, 2017

again…

so i caught myself again.
looking to someone else to create
what it is i want.

shakin’ my head here.
you just can’t do that, can ya?
so how come i lose focus so often
and look for that?

yeah, i guess that’s cause that’s what we do.
at least, that’s what i do.
and i just keep getting back up and trying again.

this morning, in seeing it,
i also see how cool it is that what i want to create
is really up to me.

made this as i thought about it all –

July 31, 2017

a little ramblin’…

so i started ramblin’ on the
bone sigh arts facebook page.
i don’t know why.
sometimes i just do.
but it got me thinking,
so i thought i’d bring it over here
so i could really get on a roll.

i’ve been thinking about being healthy lately.
and there’s something that’s really intriguing me.

i think it started for me way back years and years ago
when i was in the middle of the whole divorce stuff
and counseling and all that –

i wanted to get healthy – emotionally healthy.
i was so tired of the dysfunction in me and around me.
so for about 16-17 years now, i’ve been working on that –
getting healthier.

if you were to ask me why, i would just say it’s gotta be
a good thing to do. i’m tried of dysfunction –
that kinda thing.
vague. broad. general. just feeling it was right.

but lately i’ve got a new thought which feels like maybe
everyone else on the planet musta had years ago –
it feels like one of those no-brainers for everyone else,
and total enlightening for me –

it’s this –

that working on getting healthy is vital because you’re
building your ship from that. where you go and the choices you make
and how you steer and everything comes from that point of how healthy you are.

it matters not because it seems like it’s a good thing to do
and you’re tired of dysfunction –
it matters because your entire life is formed from that place.
and, for me, living is about loving – yourself and others –
in a healthy way. if it’s not healthy, it’s not love.
so i can’t live the way i want unless i’m healthy.

this tangles into love –
something i give a ton of thought to.
to truly love – yourself and others – is so darn hard.
because it needs to come from a healthy place.
the muscles it takes to look at what drives you,
why you have the needs that you have, why you offer the things
that you offer – to really be honest with all that,
requires SUCH strength and honesty.
i find it SOOOO challenging.
actually, i think it’s the hardest thing to do ever.

and i see more and more clearly,
that being healthy is totally at the root of all this.

so. okay.
because of the rambling interactions on facebook, i am aware now that
someone reading this might be someone who hates themselves.
how do they view this? like they can’t be healthy? i’m not sure.
maybe they’ll tell me.

but i’m thinking the beauty of this thought is it works for anyone.
so what if you hate yourself – can you still figure ‘okay, well, maybe
i need to work on being healthy anyway.’ and go from there?
and is it possible the baby steps you take from there eventually
take you past self hatred?

i don’t know.

but wow…….what if it did?!

July 28, 2017

so it takes awhile, doesn’t it?

when i first noticed some stuff was up
with me and my cycles, i excitedly
dug into the menopause books.
it only took a few pages of reading
to figure out i was in peri-menopause.
which could go on like um….
forever!

that didn’t slow me down,
i read the stuff with great gusto and was on it.

but um…yeah….that enthusiasm died away
as time wore on and i couldn’t figure out
what was menopause and what wasn’t.

years passed.
truly.

warm flashes came and went.

and now…while still not seeming to be in much
of a hurry to get thru this whole thing,
my body seems to be diving in more fully to the whole process.

and absolutely the hormones and emotions
have decided it’s time for some exercise.

last nite i went to bed with some heavy stuff on my mind.
and i honestly believe the craze inside created a buzz
for me to work with it in a different way.

there was a deep sense of understanding where i wanted to go
and that this was part of the journey.
it wasn’t fun by any means.
but i could see it mattered in the creation of who i am.

this morning, i replied to a comment here,
and said i felt like i was being chiseled into something right now.

and as soon as i typed that, i realized that was a really good
description of what’s goin’ on.
or what i THINK is goin’ on.

and it occurs to me –
you gotta be older to go thru menopause!
laughin here…..i know…..i know…….
the whole point is your body changes and you don’t have
kids and all that. the old part is what it’s about. i know.

but! how about this?
all the work i’ve been doin’ to figure out who i am,
who i want to be, what life is about for me,
what i want to offer…all that stuff –
it’s taken me 56 years to figure this stuff out.
i needed all those 56 years to gather all the building
blocks and hunks of things. i know there’s a ton more to get.
but these are some real solid foundation blocks.
and i’m slow. it’s taken awhile.

and now….now…..
it’s time for me to take the pile of stuff that is me
and chisel what i want out of it all.
to refine it.

and okay….sometimes it’s more like a darn jack hammer than a chisel –
but there definitely is a buzz of energy that i can use right now
to create myself with.

and i have never ever yet thought of that.
i spend a lotta time tryin’ to stay steady.
but what if i spent a lotta time letting the energy do its work?

brand new thought for me.
and a nice one to carry into the weekend……

July 27, 2017

an interesting moment…

it was a spontaneous moment.
she needed a friend.
she asked.
i went.

at the moment tho, i was feelin’ lousy.
physically and emotionally.
was waiting for my guy to come home as
i also needed a friend.

i’m in the thick of menopause
and was really feeling it.
i took some aspirin before i left.
and went up to sit with her.

the hard chairs felt extra hard.
but i sat down and became present in her struggle.

she had recently experienced a huge disappointment
and was reeling from it.

i knew this. understood this. and needed nothing from her.
i was just there to be her buddy.
her reaction was really everyone’s reaction.
when you get hit like that, finding any kinda gratitude
just is hard. nothing feels the same and you just feel rotten.

i was trying to make space for her to just know that was normal
and okay and allow what was there to be there. it was all i could
really offer. i also knew it might not be what she needed but it
would have to be enough as it was all i had.

turns out, i don’t think i was there for her.
i don’t think i was much of a help.
i think i was there for me and didn’t know it.

as i sat there i saw someone come in and sit down who i knew from
a long time ago. our sons used to play together. thing is, one of
his sons has since died.

yeah.

it’s been a lotta years and since i was more friends with the mom
than him, i was thinking he prolly wouldn’t know me. and if he did,
i would just be a reminder of stuff that maybe he didn’t need that day.
i didn’t think he noticed me so i left him be.
i didn’t say a word about it to my friend.

but i was well aware of his presence. his grief. his struggle.

i listened to my friend, talked with her a bit, suggested ginger ice cream,
hugged her and left.

i had intended on coming home and having a long talk with my partner.
just kinda crying on his shoulder about my own stuff.
instead i just quietly rested in his arms and soaked him in.

later, i went and did some work up on my roof.
i like it up there.
closer to the sky.
i thought of my friend who felt like her world exploded
when truly nothing much had changed.
while a few seats away sat a quiet man who truly had experienced
one of the worst kinds of explosions.

there’s no judgement on my friend.
she was every single one of us.
she reacted as we all would have.
i woulda been her.

which, i think, is why the moment made such an impact.
maybe i WAS a bit of her when i walked in.
i was in my own bad place when i entered.
when i left, i knew i was different.
by the time i made it to the roof,
i felt completely different than i had hours earlier.

perspective had changed.

i know that one of the hardest things to do is change your
perspective when you’re in a bad place…
and i know things have to run their course…
i want to respect that and honor that.
at the same time, i want to make more space in my heart
for perspective moments.
i think, perhaps, they’re there much more than we realize.
and again, i’m reminded of how much focus matters.

where are you focusing today terri?
where will you focus tomorrow?