journal

musings and ponderings…

December 10, 2016

scrooge has me thinking…

okay, so it’s jacob marley who’s got me thinking.
and the nephew, what’s his name –
okay, so it’s REALLY dickens who did it.

actually, maybe it WASN’T dickens –
maybe the movie guys threw this in there –
okay – maybe it doesn’t matter and i should just
get to the point.

i watched ‘a christmas carol’ last nite and i got
one of the points in there for the first time ever.
it’s when marley’s gonna leave scrooge and all
the spirits are floating around outside. and he
says they’re in agony cause they see the pain people
have and they can’t help. they coulda helped when
they were alive and they didn’t, and now they can’t.
and it’s just horrible to watch and be helpless.

i don’t think i ever really let that settle in before.
i mean i heard it and nodded.
but it’s one of those things that feel so obvious,
i didn’t think much of.

until last nite.
wow.
that’s a thought, isn’t it?!

and i guess because i have felt helpless and like
i have to watch sometimes, i could understand the
agony he was talking about.

so i was thinking about it a bit more this morning.

talkin’ about it a little bit  and was asked ‘yeah, but
what’s helping and what if they don’t want help?’
hmmmmm….
so then i came up with ‘listening.’
that i had never met a person who didn’t want to be heard.
and maybe that’s helping.

but then we threw in some examples and made it more
complicated and it wasn’t all that clear.

i thought of the idea of ‘making space’ for people.

and another scene from the movie came to mind.
it’s when scrooge goes to his nephew’s for dinner.
his nephew (what IS that guy’s name??) left the door open.
every year he made the offer and left it for him.
he MADE SPACE for scrooge to enter.

and i think THAT might be the greatest gift we can offer –

we can make space for people to be heard,
we can make space for people to feel loved.
we can make space for people to put fear down.
i bet there’s a gazillion ways we can make space.
and since listening is a big part of the space making.
it’s all kinda one big blur of a good thing.

NOW is our chance to do something.
when we’re gone we can’t.

not sure why, but that sunk in last nite.
and it felt really huge to me.

and it must fit for all times always,
but wow, did it feel like we needed it now more than ever.

i’ve been enchanted with the idea of space making for awhile now.
but this sorta pushed me over an edge –
where it’s not just a beautiful idea,
it’s really something that matters.

i wanted to sit down and offer that thought to you.
it’s not my thought, by any means.
it mr. dickens’ or marley’s or the darn nephew with the
name that will come to me in a moment…
but gosh, i’m holdin’ it now.
and owning it.
and ploppin’ it right on my heart and letting it sink way down in.

“Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, benevolence, were all my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!”      -dickens

FRED!!
it’s FRED! the nephew’s name is fred!

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December 9, 2016

coffee break clarity

those coffee breaks with the girls
really can be helpful.
even tho this was technically a tea break.

i was trying to explain where i was in my head.
and i guess when you do that,
you gotta look and try to describe what you see.

one of my friends there was the one who guided
me to just watch for the magic.
so i told her about some magic happenings and
thanked her for helping me open.

and then i kept going –
and told them how it felt like a huge game of
tug-o-war was goin’ on inside me,
between fear and magic.

we talked about it and it helped.
and i could see some of the things i could do
to help myself.

one of them we didn’t talk about.
i just felt it as the conversation was going on –
it was my heart.

i know without a doubt that when i open to the magic
i can actually feel my heart wide open.
and when i’m in the fear, my heart is so tight.

so one of the things i want to concentrate on is
feeling my heart. and trying over and over again
to open it.

intentionally opening.
over and over again.

wanted to put this out here as we head into the weekend
in case there’s anyone who wants to join me.

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December 7, 2016

had to share…

a friend posted this quote on facebook the other day.
and it just needs to be shared everywhere, i think.

i never heard of L.R.Knost before,
but i’m definitely going to be checking her out now –

‘Do not be dismayed
by the brokenness
of the world.
All things break.
And all things
can be mended.
Not with time,
as they say,
but with intention.
So go.
Love intentionally,
extravagantly,
unconditionally.
The broken world
waits in the darkness
for the light
that is you.’

L.R.Knost

December 6, 2016

mixing lifetimes together…

my face has scrunched up more than once
in one of those eyebrows up,
head cocked to the side,
‘seriously?!?!’  expressions today
because SERIOUSLY who can believe
31 years have passed since i gave birth to josh?!

certainly not me.
it doesn’t register quite right.

it’s one of those weird life times mixing things –
i look at him and wonder if he was ever little.
and then sometimes, i swear i can see that little boy
right there in front of me.

i look back to me and who i was.
and another ‘SERIOUSLY ?!’ pops on my face.
that wasn’t me.

well, it was me lifetimes ago.
and i mean LIFETIMES.

i barely recognize that girl.
and yet, i see her pop in front of me enough
to know she’s still around.

i look back at the birth and can remember it vividly –
yet feel like maybe that was someone else i was watching.

while 25 isn’t drastically young to have a child,
i was drastically young in the scheme of things.
and i did my growin’ up along with my boys.

today i walked and remembered and got filled
with all the good birthday things moms get filled with.
but this morning something new popped in –

i thought of how miraculous my body was.
how it actually conceived and grew and nurtured
and birthed a baby!

i’m not sure i ever looked at it quite like this before.
i appreciated it at the time, i know.

but this is a little different.
i guess it’s mixing the worlds together and looking –
looking back now, so many years later,
with so many many many years of body issues,
i was quite taken with how amazing my body was.
in a way i couldn’t really appreciate, i think, until now.
and i concentrated there on my walk.

decided i needed to treat it extra well today.
celebrate it.
and all that it does for me.
and celebrate this strange mixing of our pasts
with who we are now and worlds that seem so far
away and yet still reside inside us…

there’s nothing like birthdays!
even when it’s not exactly mine.

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December 5, 2016

magic stuff

so, okay, i’m hoping you’ve been following
the magic journey here with me so that this
makes some sort of sense.

i’ve been doin the jar, ya know?
the magic jar.
where i write down the magical moments i witness.

so the first thing i got out of doing this was realizing
was how much i have NOT been paying attention.
and how much i have been missing.

and having it on my desk, it reminds me to do that –
watch.

so that right there is really big.

when i write the stuff down, i take a moment and really
hold it and honor it.

that too, i think is making a difference for me.

and then….on friday…i believe something inside of me
opened up because of this whole deal.

and i asked the universe for help in a way
i haven’t done in a very long time.
and IMMEDIATELY i got a response that floored me.

since then, there’s this little buzz inside of me.
like something woke up.
i don’t know how to explain it and don’t know how long
i’ll have it….but for this moment, i have it,
and it’s absolutely thrilling.
i got it friday. and it hasn’t left.

it’s almost like i’m on a real treasure hunt.
there’s excitement, and wonder, and having no idea
where i’m sposed to go,
but looking….looking….looking for magic.

yeah…i guess it’s not almost like that.
i guess it IS that.

i have so missed this.

you know how when you’re really really stressed,
so stressed, you have no idea how stressed?
and then you finally get thru whatever it was
and you think ‘wow, i had no idea how stressed i was.’ ?
well, that’s how i’m feelin’ with the magic-
it’s not until i can see some of it returning that i can
feel how deeply i have missed it.

and suddenly, i can’t get enough of it.
i can’t step back in fast enough.

and yet – it totally has a life of its own.
so i will keep on my treasure hunt…
and i’m sure i’ll find gold all along the way here.

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December 2, 2016

lenses

an email from a friend this morning has me thinking.

it’s possible that i get to hear so many backstories
to people’s lives, that i get an understanding
of how everyone has struggles.
maybe because of the backstories, i really understand
that in a way some might not.

not sure.

but i have been taken aback more than once from
comments from friends about other people’s lives.

some think so many people have such great happy lives.
others think so many people have such beautiful
close marriages.
and others think so many were gifted with great gifts
while they got none.

oh if we could only all see outta the same lens –

my lens is more gritty, i guess.

i see every person out there struggling.
i have yet to meet someone who wasn’t in pain.
i have yet to find a married couple that i truly envy.
and i have yet to find a person who didn’t carry a gift
of their own in some way.

i think what lens we look out of might matter
because it might affect how we do things.

in seeing every person struggling,
it might help in understanding a bit more.
i know someone who presented everything as fine and dandy.
but i knew it wasn’t.
so i just waited. and waited and waited.
i figured sooner or later she’d let me know.
and she did. in her own time.
when she felt safe enough.
and she was surprised that i had some sense of
something goin’ on with her. she thought she hid it.
and yet, i saw it, i think,  because i watched.

in seeing the struggles it might offer us more patience
with each other and definitely a feeling that we’re not
all alone in our own stuff.

in watching married couples and not seeing a lot i want,
it can help me be patient with my own problems with
my own partner. it can help me look for what i want to change
and make better in my own relationship.
and it can remind me of what love really is and focus there –
instead of trying to have a hallmark image of what it all should be like.

and in believing everyone has gifts, it allows me to look
for them in others and reminds me that just offering who
we are is the gift.

facebook is deceiving and has been blamed for adding
a lot of fuel to this thinking everyone has it better.

i like seeing the good stuff posted.
i hear a lotta the bad stuff.
seeing the good and happy moments feels nice to me.
cause i know in between those are a lot of hard stuff.

and from my own experience with numbers on facebook,
i know they mean very little.
if you look on the bone sigh arts page, you will see a fair
amount of ‘followers.’ – i think prolly most of those people
came thru, liked the page, and will never be back again.
but still you see that number and you think ‘oooohhhh
she’s doin’ good.’

numbers have nothing to do with it.

numbers and photos can be deceiving.

but at the same time, they throw in happy things –
i like that.

i’m okay with having a gritty lens and seeing things
like i do. it works for me.
the part i need to add to it is the magic.
the magic part has been missing.
and that’s what i need to add.

i think before i had a different lens – not as real,
but plenty of magic.

now i have a more real lens with way less magic.

what i’m shooting for now is a gritty magic lens.
yeah, that’s what i want.

maybe it’s all a journey to refining those lenses…
workin’ on mine over here!

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December 1, 2016

the magic paint

okay, it’s not a huge story.
so don’t get all set for one.
it’s a little story.
with a big reminder.

i usually do what i call ‘my pathetic stretches’
in the mornings. it’s an attempt at yoga, but it’s
so far from anything yoga-like, it’s gained the
pathetic stretches name.

on this particular morning this week,
i was attempting these stretches in my office.
a different spot than i’m normally in.
and as i was laying on the mat looking at my walls,
i decided they totally needed some funky edgings.
(yeah, i do more pondering than stretching)
since the budget is tight,
i decided paint would do the trick.
i needed green over here.
and blue over here.
wasn’t sure i had what i needed.
but i’d make do with what i had.

later that day, i had to run an errand.
noah and zakk came with me.
after they patiently joined me in my errand,
zakk had one as well.
he had to stop at home depot.
he needed paint.

i never thought about my paint.
i wasn’t gonna buy any.
i was gonna fudge with whatever i had.
didn’t even come to mind.

so i just tagged along with him.
ready to help him find what he needed.

but then –
there –
on the shelf of paint that’s got the reduced prices –
the paint people leave –
right there –
exactly where i was looking –
were two little cans –
green and blue.
small little cans.
green and blue paint!
just like i needed!
AND they were the right shades!
just enough to do exactly what i wanted.
and they were 50 cents each!

i squealed in delight and bought them.

as we were crossing the parking lot,
i delightedly explained why these little cans
were such a thrill.
and as i said ‘i was JUST thinking i needed some paint…’
i heard myself.
and i gasped.

i lifted up a can in each hand high to the heavens
and shouted ‘MAGIC!’

magic!

and yes, i know…..
to some it might not be impressive enough of a story.
but to me, it was a huge reminder –
terri – it’s EVERYWHERE……
and you so easily could have missed this.
if you weren’t looking.
it almost went by you.

how much is going by me?
i want to put a stop to that!

and i want to keep looking.

you can be sure that i’ll be painting those edgings with great
delight – and holding the magic as i do so.

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November 30, 2016

there’s a lot to this!

well for pete’s sakes.
no wonder i’m not really well versed
in this whole nurturing of myself stuff.
there’s a lot to this!

first of all,
just being trained to look outside at others
and their needs over my own is a lot to just put aside.

after over half a century it gets pretty ingrained.

even tho i’ve been a ‘liberated woman’ for awhile now –
there’s some pretty sneaky threads that have never left me.

and then to start nurturing myself,
i turn to shallow easy things –
like, gosh, i need to take a break once in awhile,
i think i’ll take a hot shower now.
i’ll add candles and make it extra special.

yes! i love doing that.
and yes! it feels great and makes a difference.

but NO! don’t stop there, terri.
don’t stop there.

okay, so you add in a ‘well, what is it i need today?’
and you try to grab some quiet book reading time.

yes! i love doing that.
and yes! it feels great and makes a difference.

but NO! don’t stop there, girl.
just don’t.

so as i walked this morning,
my thoughts slipped to a family member.
not even an IMMEDIATE family member.
and i started thinking about this and that and
how they’re feeling about something.

okay, that’s fine.
but not on my walk.
my walk is mine.

and i saw that.
i saw how i just give up my thoughts, my energy,
my time all over the darn place.

caught myself.
pulled my thoughts back to feeding my soul
with the sky and the trees.

few minutes later.
guess what?!
same kinda thing.
had to pull my thoughts back from giving
my energy away to another place.
(that didn’t even need it!!)

okay, terri.
there’s a whole whole whole lot to this nurturing thing.
and it looks like you’re really gonna have to take this
seriously if you really wanna do it.

complete with rewiring my thinking.

and my actions.

i watched myself yesterday try to take care of myself
in a really uncomfortable situation.
i tried.
i was aware.
but i really lacked the tools to be able to pull it off.

yes, i gotta learn them.
and yes, i gotta be patient.

but i think what i really gotta do is realize how deep
this is, how big this is, how hard this is, and how much
more it is than taking a hot candle light shower.

i gotta overhaul my brain, baby!
and by golly, i want to.

i think my walks are the perfect place to start really
looking at this. interestingly enough, the last two days
i had to drag myself out. i really didn’t want to go.

kinda fascinating.
that never happens.
but perhaps there’s a part of me that really isn’t
into more change.

grinning…….and gonna work on this.

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November 29, 2016

not quite getting the hang of it yet…

this whole new stage of life thing hasn’t really sunk in.
like, i know i’m in one.
yet i forget i have to relearn stuff.

this morning i walked.
and i thought about it.

i thought about nurturing.
and i thought about how it’s ME i gotta nurture now.

i knew that.
well, i have had the thought before.
but KNOWING it is another story.

i think i just keep falling into old patterns
because i know the old patterns.
the new ones aren’t formed yet and it’s hard to
really get the hang of it.
heck, it’s hard to even REMEMBER i need to make them!

and i want to.
remember.
and actually do it!
specially now.
the holidays are here.
the whole season can be great fun for me IF
i don’t have expectations.
IF i don’t keep looking to others to make it fun for me.
IF i can find the nurturing for myself,
and the awareness of what i need for myself.

what i need from me.
not what i want others to hand me.

i posted a new facebook cover today.
i picked it because of the quote –
‘concentrating on the love,
the needs dropped to the side –
and laughter spilled right out.’

i want to concentrate on my love for others
this season. and laugh with them and enjoy them.
and i want to concentrate on my love for myself as well.
and be happy with myself and find the joy in the
nurturing of who i am.

so, okay.
i think i need to write this down.   🙂
i really want to do this anyway.
why not start with the holidays?!

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