journal

musings and ponderings…

November 12, 2015

a different angle

i know this one’s gonna sound
a wee bit crazy at first.
but bear with me
cause i think this thought
has some potential…

i ran out and did a little raking
this morning.
not long as i’m pacing my aging body!

on my way back in,
i looked up at all the leaves still
waiting to fall.

i marveled at how many leaves each tree has.
and i thought how really cool it was
that they all fell down to earth to be
here in my yard for a little while.

and for the first time ever
i thought about what an honor it was
to be able to rake up a tree’s leaves.

like the trees were giving me a gift.

here’s all these millions of leaves
i’d never be able to get near –
unless –
they fell to the earth for me.
right here.
waiting for me.

and it just felt like the most
wonderful thought.

and for some reason i wanted to share…

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November 11, 2015

crazy day

was a crazy day with our site being
down all day. nothing we could do
about it but wait for it to come back up!

and sure enough, it made its way back.

i can only just imagine what it was like
over at the server’s place today. and
all the calls they musta been getting!
and i’m thinking not all that friendly
of calls either.

i had no idea how much i use the website
when i’m working. it slowed down a lot today,
but sped up a few thoughts on kindness.

there’s always that initial response to
when things like this happen, ya know?

something like ‘AHHHHHHH!!’

and then there’s the picturing the
running around at the server’s place.
and compassion sets in.

so then, finding myself stuck and unable
to do something because of the site
problem, i browsed the web and found
out about the starbuck red cup craze.
ohmygosh.

and again, there was that initial reaction.

something like ‘AHHHHHH!!’

a whole lotta not nice thoughts came running
thru my head.

and once again, i remembered kindness.

it’s harder to keep in mind than you think
sometimes, isn’t it?

and so in honor of these moments, i wanted
to share our greeting card called ‘kindness.’

it feels like a good reminder of just how
powerful and magical kindness is.

kindness

“understanding now that this was the way to open her heart, she dropped to her knees and opened herself to its presence.”

November 10, 2015

different…..not better…

it was one of those sentences
that came up in a conversation today.
one of those that makes you go –
ooooohhhhhh yeah.
good point.

altho, i guess it depends on the context
you hear it in –

i can see people going – ‘wait a minute!
don’t put yourself down!’
and, no, this isn’t about putting yourself
down. it’s about not putting someone else
down as well.

and as usual, it was nice and basic.

it was this –

‘you’re different. not better. not worse.
just different.’

and the person i was talking to was big
enough to hear that and say they were
going to look and see if they’d been acting
as if the other person was less than.

which i thought was way cool.
i love it when we’re strong enough to
look at ourselves.

and, so, of course,
i had to flip that line on myself as well.

and i wish we all would.

the first public place that comes to mind
is politics. and then the list goes on and
on.

but i’m thinking if we all just started
with ourselves….knowing those who were
different than us weren’t less than…..
well, that’d be an awesome place to start.

you’re different. not better.
they’re different. not worse.

seems pretty basic, right?
but maybe we all need reminders in the
basics here and there.

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November 9, 2015

power

paper1

the power was always outside herself.
and themselves.
at least,
that’s what they believed.
and they taught her that as well.

somehow tho,
she found hers anyway.
inside herself.
deep.
and quiet.
easily overlooked,
yet capable of moving worlds.
capable of creating new ones.
capable of creating her.

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November 6, 2015

change the words a bit…change your life a lot…

i was walking and thinking.
always a wonderful combination.
and i realized that if i changed some words
in my thoughts, i could change some pretty
big things inside me.

i was remembering some stuff in my life that
really created some wounds. i was remembering
it for what it DID TO ME.

and as i walked, i thought about it.
and i thought…..okay, so it did that.
now.
put that part down.
and go for this part –
WHAT CAN YOU TAKE AWAY FROM ALL THAT?

don’t make it about what ‘It did to YOU.’
make it ‘what I get from IT.’

just a few words different, and a complete
and total different outlook.
from victim to victor in a moment!

ha!
i really really liked that idea.

so what DID i get from it?

well, i got that there are people that really
are cunning and all about themselves. and
it won’t matter what you do, unless you give
up who you are, you can’t satisfy them. and who
knows, that prolly wouldn’t even do it.

and i won’t give up who i am.
and they won’t give up trying to take that.

so i need to stay away from that.
the old ones who have tried.
and the new who want to.

and if they can’t be avoided, i need to know what’s
going on and stay clear in my belief in myself.
or i have no business even going near them.

and now i know a bit more of what those people
look like. i’ve learned. that’s something i’ve gained.

and then, i couldn’t help it.
i pictured three people who have hurt me thru
this very kinda thing.
they came to mind immediately.
and i pictured them with foxes tails.
the tail being the symbol that they were just there
to eat me.

the first one i pictured wore her tail with pride
and swished it around for all to see. she didn’t hide
it at all.

the second person i pictured tried to hide it in his
jeans. but it still stuck out and his fox-like soul
dripped off his words. he couldn’t keep it in. but
he certainly tried.

and the third person i pictured hid her tail perfectly.
you couldn’t see it at all. you had to watch her slyness
come out in her eyes. and it did indeed flash thru for
you to see if you were looking.

all three types have come thru and taken bites outta
my soul.

but ya see……..that’s what they DID to me.
and i can put that down.
that’s old news.
over. done.
and i wanna move on.

now if i’m gonna take what I get out of IT,
then i gotta know i’ve learned a lot.
a whole lot.
i can see the foxes now.
i really think i can.

but i’m not so sure i always pay attention.

for various reasons, i still let foxes in.
and THAT is where i need to grab more power.
that is where i need to pay more attention.
and when i do, i can say i got some really awesome
powerful stuff outta those old wounds.

i think i’m ready.
really ready.

and it feels good.
it’s not about what those wounds did to me right now.
it’s about what i’m gonna do with them that’s
giving me a pretty big tickle.

eat that one, foxes.
cause you can’t eat me anymore.

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November 5, 2015

a strong fiery old woman

having just very recently committed to being
a fiery old woman filled with love and strength
in my old age, i figure i gotta work to make
that happen.

i was thinking about the areas in my life and in
my psyche that i needed to kinda pay attention to
and work on building my strength.

and then, because this is how the world works for me,
along came lesson number one.

the ol’ self doubt crept on in.

now, self doubt has its place.
it gets you to look at what you’re doin’ and adjust
if necessary. that’s cool and important.

it also can be crippling and completely useless.
unless of course, it’s use is to teach you to
toss it aside when it’s not called for.
and there are times it’s just not called for.
it just happens to be my default place that i go to.

i thought of that visual i had – of the fiery strong
woman i want to become.

and i decided to use this to strengthen me up a bit.
to believe in myself this time because it’s called for.
and it’s right.

i’ve been thinking a ton about ‘listening’ this year.
how i really need to work on listening to other people.
and today, i remembered i really need to work on
listening to myself as well.

i’ve got a goal…and when i picture that fiery old
woman i want to be, this useless self doubt isn’t part
of who she is.

i’m replacing it with an acknowledgement that sometimes
things just aren’t all that great. and that’s just how
it is.

one step at a time.
and i just took one.
kinda cool.

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November 4, 2015

remembering leroy

this morning it was really hard to get up
when the alarm went off. i grumbled and said
there was no reason to ever get up that early.

ten minutes later, i was standing in my front yard,
in the dark, looking up at the stars.
it was so beautiful, you couldn’t be filled with
anything but gratitude.
i totally forgot about the earlier grumbling.
and as i gazed up at that sky,
and those stars,
i wondered if leroy was among them.
he had to be.

leroy.
my nite sky man.

how do i even describe this guy?
i never met him.
never heard his voice.
but have shared many an email with him.

he wrote one day years ago,
and we hit it off and became friends.
he took the most awesome photos of the nite sky
up in alaska. and he’d travel around with his
camera and just take your breath away over and
over again with his shots of the world.

he did ‘photo symphonies’ for parks and he even
got one of his photos on a stamp!

a talented man for sure.
a loving and supportive and creative soul.
someone who i will always think of when i see
the sky.

yesterday, i got an email from his son.
leroy had passed away.

we hadn’t talked much in the last few years.
and yet, he’s such a part of my history here.
he’s a household name where we all know him.
he’s been with me a long long time.
and i’m sad that he’s gone.
sad that we all come thru so quickly.
and wish i knew where we all go.

for leroy, tho, i have a place to look for him.
the nite sky.
i know somehow he’s part of that now.
and that makes me smile.

i wanted to share his work with you.
you can find him here, at his website.

leroy, you will be missed.
but you are everywhere there is sky.

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November 3, 2015

the practice of trust

it is just the most beautiful fall
in my neck of the woods. and i have heard
myself think over and over ‘i just don’t want
it to stop. i want to keep it like this forever!’

and i have to laugh.
the wanting to hold on to things.
the grasping.
the not wanting things to change.

i think i have that goin’ even a little bit more
than usual over here and it’s sneaking out in
little ways like wanting to hang on to the season.

and then i think of winter and the beauty of that
time of year. it’s always been my favorite. and yet,
here i am, wanting to stop everything just as it is.

one of the reasons winter has been my favorite all
this time is the profound feeling i get from the
trees and the sky. there is something really deep
that seems to get touched with the lighting and the
quiet.

i remind myself of that,
remind myself of the beauty at every stage of
the game, and i smile.

there’s a million ways to practice trust, isn’t there?
and i think i need a little extra practice lately.

i guess i can start with the passing of the seasons.
and let them do their thing and just enjoy them.

and there’s a million opportunities to practice
self compassion as well, aren’t there?

and maybe i can start here too.

as i see how wobbly i can get sometimes and how much
i need to practice trust,
i can smile and offer that compassion to myself.

it’s a journey around and around and around.
and being gentle with myself over that seems like
a good idea as well.

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November 2, 2015

her white tree…a retelling

i had no idea that going to go grab one of noah’s
photos to share, would make me stop in my tracks
and remember so many things that needed remembering.

his beautiful picture immediately brought back the
visual of my very own white tree.

i went digging for a blog i wrote when this visual
was born years ago. that’s a mistake to do if you
don’t have days and days to go down memory lane.
finally, after getting sidetracked over and over
and not finding what i was looking for, i decided
to just sum up the darn idea of ‘her white tree.’

it was a visual that came as an answer to my searching
and pondering on how to heal some of my wounds.
i thought ‘rebuilding’ something inside of me was
what i needed to be doing. but that whole process of
rebuilding wouldn’t fit, and only proved to get me stuck
over and over again.

in talking this over with my sons, i realized that i
didn’t have to rebuild anything. that what i was
looking for had never left me: it had never been completely
erased.

yes, it had been burnt and hacked and scarred…and cut
way way way back – but there, under the ashes were the still
alive parts of my core –

and a visual came of my very own white tree waiting to
grow forth.

this gave me so much to work with. it felt so natural.
how do you help something grow?
you nurture it, you tend it, water it, give it sunlight.
you gotta clear the ashes off from the top of it and
water it with your tears and let goodness and love warm it.

it gave me a start.
it gave me something to sink my teeth into.
it gave me something to hold on to and visualize
and work towards.

and it inspired the bone sigh, ‘her white tree’

“a tree of life.
a tree of knowledge.
a tree of soul.
a tree of goodness.
a tree of her.
it was her core.
burnt.
scarred.
hacked.
cut.
chopped
and carved in.
it was still there.
It was still there!
pushing the ashes out of the way,
making room for sunlight
and water –
she nurtured it back to fullness,
she nurtured it back to life.
and she and her tree
held the sky and its moon
and together, they danced
and together, they grew.”

noah’s beautiful image can be found at bfg productions

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October 30, 2015

a morning walk

ohmygosh, it was one of the most beautiful
mornings ever! i went out to take a walk, and
practically ran to start off with because it
was so wonderful out there.

and as i walked, i noticed the trees.
‘what are they doin?’ i wondered.

sometimes the trees whisper.
sometimes they sing.
sometimes i watch them bend over in laughter
from jokes between them.
sometimes they just know.

but this was different.

so i watched.

there was SUCH energy in the tree tops that
were just goin’ to town in the wind. they felt
so strong – and filled with aliveness.

‘they’re celebrating!’ i thought.

and i just walked and watched and listened
and smiled.

at one point, one reached down and grabbed
a ball of sadness right out from inside me.
just grabbed it like a volley ball and tossed
it to the tree next to it. and there, in the
tops of the trees was my big ol’ sadness boppin’
from tree top to tree top.

it amazed me because it felt perfect.
if someone took something that you were feeling
heavy about and started tossing it around,
it could feel kinda almost irreverent or something.
but this felt so right.

somehow it reminded me –
sadness is all part of the game.

i knew i could leave it up there for awhile and
that would be perfectly cool.

and then it started getting light out.
and it felt as tho the trees were aware of this,
as if they knew they’re secret play time was
coming to an end.
that now there would be more people coming out
and that the celebratory time was for the dark,
with just a few who might notice what was going on.

i headed home.
filled with their energy.
and feeling so grateful i got to witness the
celebrating of a new day and another chance to
play the game of life.

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