musings and ponderings…

July 8, 2016


there is so much pain in our world.

for a moment,
i just want to put down every easy answer,
every sure viewpoint,
every quick solution.

and turn and look at the pain.
straight on.
and just be quiet.

July 7, 2016

from years ago…

my buddy, brigitte posted a link today
on my facebook page of a blog i wrote in 2011!
besides making my eyes pop at how fast time flies,
i got a little ride down memory lane.

i remember when i got the aha moment that the blog refers to.

so it’s been five years since then,
and i can tell you that the insight i got that day
has made a difference in my life and in understanding my reactions
and in working with them.

it was kinda cool to re-read this after having five years
to put it all into practice.

if you feel like it, stop on by the old blog and check it out!
you can find it here.

and, brigitte, thank you for posting.

after reading it all those years ago, brigitte posted about
it herself. you can find her blog post here.


July 6, 2016

fire and heart

just because………


fire had quieted,
only crackling in whispers here and there.
as he cooled down,
so did heart.
she didn’t realize how much she needed his flames
for her own feeling of being alive.
she’d adapt and tighten and close so slowly
that she wouldn’t even know she was doing it.
life would somehow sink a bit
and colors would fade.
yet, heart, distracted now,
would barely notice.

sooner or later tho,
breeze would sense the change.
and feel the chill.
and know it was time.
and blow on in.
sometimes gently,
sometimes in great gusts –
fanning the coals that still held a glow.

and the embers would begin to wake up.

feeling it,
recognizing it and not,
heart leaned in
trying to hear better.

nodding, breeze nudged again.
and this time,
fire burst into flames.
tongues of warmth singing so loudly
that heart couldn’t miss the music now.

she pounded to its beat.
shaking loose the hardened shell
that had so slowly formed around her.
it fell to the ground in a great shattering
that only added to the symphony.

heart danced free.

fire burned brighter the more heart danced.

and they remembered how much they needed each other.
wrapping and entwined as one,
they sang and danced the colors back to vivid.

life rose to its feet and joined in
while wind roared off
offering the breath of god to those of us
who had forgotten yet again.
sometimes gently.
sometimes in great gusts.



July 5, 2016


so i discovered Gabor Mate last week.
i’ve been totally taken with him ever since.
and so, of course, i got one of his books.

i picked one on stress. ‘When the Body Says No.’

oh gosh.
he’s totally making me really rethink the whole stress thing.

we’ve all got the obvious stress stuff, right?
we know that stuff.
but he talks about stuff that we don’t even realize we’re carrying.
that feels normal to us cause we’re used to it.
but it’s there anyway havin’ an affect on our body.

so, for example,  if you never learned how to create healthy boundaries
for yourself, part of you is on alert all the time because you don’t know
who’s gonna cross those lines that you never made clear to anyone.
that makes sense, right?
thing is….we’re so used to living that way, that we don’t consider it stress.
it feels completely normal.
and yet it’s right there all the time.

that’s just one example that seemed easy to put out there.
there’s lots of them. and, of course, he explains it all and does
a better job than my little paragraph. but you get the idea, yes?

well, this has got me thinking!

i’ve been tryin’ to look at some of my deep stuff and see how it
would affect me daily without my even knowing it.

and what’s weird is that it’s not really a new thought to look
at what’s affecting me daily. i’ve tried to look at the stuff that
i think is driving me and putting filters over my eyes and all that.
but this angle is a little bit different.

the ways i’ve been looking at it are about how it affects my mental health.
this way is about how it affects my physical health.

and gosh, when i put them together,
it creates much more of a sense of need to really do the inner work.
not sure why. but it has.

it creates much more room for me to look at what i take for granted
as a way of life for myself and to see that there’s a lot i can change –
and that it’d be great to do so.

it’d be healthy to do so.

feelin’ inspired over here!




July 1, 2016

one of those moments!

did you ever just wake up and say ‘okay. i’m ready.’??
i’ve had those moments here and there.
not often.
but here and there.

and i got another one today.
it’s zippin’ around inside me.


enough already.

just darn enough already.

i’m ready.

i started to feel it last nite.
i listened to a talk that inspired me,
and i could just feel this ‘it’s time’ thing goin’ on inside me.

then this morning,
at coffee with friends,
we did a reading with these cool stones i have.
and my message completely cemented what i was feeling.

and that did it.
three silly stones pushed me over the edge.

i like that.
if you’re gonna get pushed over the edge,
get pushed with some crazy silly stone readings!

so what’s it time for?

just to grab my life.
MY life.
not anyone else’s.
not just grab it –
but grab it, leap into it, fall hard into it,
roll around in it, and splash all over it!

darn it.

it’s time.

gotta put on my distraction blocking goggles
and focus where my heart is pointing me.

what a great way to start the weekend!

and just so you know – i think i’m gonna really  make some
distraction blocking goggles to remind me to keep my head
where it needs to be.

good stuff!


June 30, 2016


i haven’t heard of this guy before.
perhaps you have?
gabor mate.

i bumped into him from a facebook post.
which led me to the short vid i’m sharing here.
he answers the question of what would his magic wand be
to solve the problems of humanity.

i listened and teared up.
and it’s not just the big things he mentions…
it fits for all the tiny things that happen every single day.

we’ll never get this magic wand.
but i truly believe it’s up to all of us to keep sharpening
our seeing skills. every single day.

check this out…he’s worth the two minutes.
a jewish survivor of the holocaust , he was a baby…
he lives in canada now…and sounds really interesting…

June 29, 2016

really looking…

i took a walk to the little pond this morning.
it’s a drainage ditch, right?
really nothing special.
and yet – it’s gorgeous.

a few years back, they put in a housing development.
one of the rules is that you need a drainage ditch.
they dug it with a scooper and threw some grass seed
around it and planted some little trees in front of the larger
trees in the background.

quick standard stuff, done without much care
that somehow has turned so beautiful.

as i got closer, i saw they had mowed around it since i was last there.

the mowing brought out the curves in the earth.
i looked and was intrigued with how curvy mother earth was.
granted, she was sculpted that way by a machine,
but she was lovely.
dipping and bending and bowing so gracefully.
female to the max.

i smiled.

there’s a paved path around the pond.
and as i started around, i heard a kinda chirping sound.
it sounded like a bird with a mouthful of saltines trying to chirp.

i looked up.
there in the beautiful silvery birch tree was a black winged thing.
mouth full of crackers chirp.

could it be a bat? i wondered.
do they hang out like that?
i stood under the tree, neck way back, just staring.
trying to decide.
when it took off flying.
sorta flying.
it was a red winged blackbird.
and i’m not sure if it’s part of their deal, or there’s just
a buncha babies around, but they really aren’t aces of the sky.
they look kinda like they’ve been drinking a bit when they fly.
maybe in a vain attempt to wash down the saltines.

ahhhhhh i thought.
no bat.
and admired the red on the wing.
that’s a stunning combination.
i had just passed a lady gettin’ in her car all set for work –
dressed just like this bird.
i had thought she was stunning when i walked by her too.
i wondered if she had been eyeing the birds and got inspired.
if she had been inspired, she pulled it off. both were stunningly
beautiful this morning.

as i turned a bit in the path, i looked at the cattails.
their stems were glorious!
they were lighter green towards the bottom
and as they came up towards the cattail, they were a deep
beautiful blue green. more blueish than greenish.

i stopped again.
i had never noticed that before.
if anyone asked me what color cattail stalks were,
i woulda said tannish.
maybe later??
maybe they get that way later?
but man, right now if you asked me what color they are,
i’d say a magnificent gradient of green and blue.

who knew?

i didn’t.

how much don’t i see every day?

there is so much beauty all around.
i know we gotta keep walking and we got things to do
and we can’t stop every three steps and be taken in by the beauty
that’s everywhere around us.

i know that.

but shouldn’t i have known about the green-blue gradient on
a cattail stem?! i’m thinking i should have.

now i do.

and now i’m wondering what else i should know about.

think it’s time to do some more looking.





June 28, 2016

he made me laugh last nite

it was such a little thing, really.
and yet, it was the best gift ever.
just a silly one liner in the middle of the nite
when we were both up closing windows
because of rain.

yeah, i needed the laugh.
i’ve been really sad about sad things
and i wasn’t feel good physically.
so, yeah, the laugh felt so darn good.

but you know, i think it really was that at that moment
there was an opening. it coulda been because i had just
woken up from a deep sleep, or cause it was the middle
of the nite and sometimes things are really clear then –
whatever it was – i saw so clearly the deliciousness of
this guy of mine.

there was just an opening to his beauty.
and his good heartedness was just bam right there in front of me.

of course i see that plenty.
but this was a little unusual.
it was so pure and unfiltered.

and i think those moments between any of us are rare.

and i’ve been thinking about that this morning.

it is so darn hard to let people be who they are.
at least, i find it so.
and not just in one relationship –
but in all of them –
my partner, my sons, my friends, even people in the news.
sometimes i just wanna tweak something.
change this over there.
make this work for me a bit better here.
take this away there. and let me in more over here.
keep me out more over there…
on and on.

and i’m thinking it’s the same for those around me.
i know my partner wants to take the sadness from me right now.
but he can’t.
so what could he do?
he could just be who he is.
and in offering that to me, he gives me everything.
even tho he feels like he wants to give me more.
there’s nothing more he can give.
and nothing more i need from him.

it is up to me to find the openings to laughter and grab them.
it is up to me to see the pure delight in the middle of the nite
as i hear his silly joking in the hallway. and it’s up to me to value
those around me or not.

as i think about this, it helps me figure out what to offer to those i love.
something i’ve been struggling with a bit lately.

that’s it.
and let them take me at their own pace, their own style,
their own everything.

don’t tweak, change, or expect them to be any different than they are.
work on being who i am.
and let the two bump into each other in the hallways of life.
and with any luck, there will be some good laughter shared in the darkness.

that’s all we can do.
and that’s all we need to do.




June 27, 2016

a little hafiz for ya…

i have been enjoying these poems so much
it’s time to share one here –


Can easily open the

That lets the spirit rise up and wear
Its Favorite costume of
Mirth and laughter.

When the mind is consumed with
Remembrance of

Something divine happens to the

Shapes the hand and tongue
And eye into
The word


June 24, 2016

an understanding

i thought i was distracted this week.
i thought since i couldn’t concentrate on work
too well, i was distracted.

i realized yesterday that was anything but true.

i have been really really focused on some inner work.
yeah, the day to day stuff has been scattered and
definitely not normal. but it’s been because i’ve been
workin’ on the inside stuff.

that made me smile.
i wondered how come i didn’t even realize that.
how was it i truly thought i was distracted?

and with the inner work –
i can feel things.
it feels different.

there are thoughts that have come together,
made sense in a way they didn’t before,
tied into other things.

the best way i can describe it is that the meanderings
have gone beyond thoughts into an understanding.

and wow, that feels really cool.

the drag part is that i have to take the understandings
and put them into action.

that in itself isn’t a drag.
but the drag part is that it’s that’s gonna take me years and years
and years and years to even get close to really doin’ it.

but! i’m not gonna focus there.
i’m gonna focus on the part that says i couldn’t start
this part of the journey without the understanding.

and now i can start!

which feels pretty darn awesome.
i’m a little tired….but more than grateful.