journal

musings and ponderings…

April 8, 2016

there’s something about the light…

it’s moments like this i figure there’s
an easy scientific explanation for what’s happening,
and it’d be good if i knew a little science.

but then again –

maybe it’s wonderful i don’t.

cause all i know is that yesterday and today
the light is different outside.

there’s something different.

and it’s affecting the way everything looks.
it’s making a normally beautiful world even more
beautiful……to the point of magical.

truly.

even one of my sons this morning was talking of the
‘silver light’ he saw yesterday. it’s not just me noticing.
which is extra cool.

it’s caught my attention and is getting me to think about
the difference the slightest change can make.

a slight change in light and beauty moves into magic.

that’s pretty powerful.

kinda makes me think about my attitudes and moods –
just how much does a slight change in mood impact everything
goin’ on in my life?

lots.

and maybe that’s something i should be working with more.

gonna go take a drive in the light
and think about my moods…and the power we hold in
slight changes.

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April 7, 2016

we can start slow…

so if you’ve been following the blog at all,
you know that an idea has been taking hold
of me and exciting me.

but just in case you haven’t seen those posts,
i’ll nutshell it –

what if we’re not broken?
what if our essence – our nature –
is GOD AWESOMENESS?!

and maybe we have some gunk covering some of
that awesomeness…yeah, okay…..
but what if we’re not broken?!

what if there’s nothing to fix?
maybe we just gotta start looking for and seeing
that gorgeous light inside us?

okay…..that’s the nutshell, baby.

it’s been almost a week and i just keep getting
more and more excited about this thought.

is it too scary?
too much?
too overwhelming?
too much not what we’re used to?

okay. i’ll buy that.

so i’ve got an idea –
you ever see the movie ‘what about bob?’
(if not, you REALLY need to!)

what if we compare our stepping into claiming
our god awesomeness with bob’s stepping up and
sailing?

what if we tie ourselves to the mast and just begin?!

we can start slow.
but what if we just start?

(and hey! i just realized! last year i went out and bought that tee shirt
he’s wearing! i can wear that whenever i need a confidence boost!
ha! that could work!)

April 6, 2016

workin’ it…

ha!
you know how it goes –
you say something you totally mean,
and then the universe comes and decides
to see how total is totally.
just how much do you REALLY mean it, terri?!

oh gosh.

so – what i had said that i totally meant was this-
and i quote –

“the most exciting journey of our life
takes place right inside us.
we are unique and beautiful.
there’s no cooler place to travel.”

and then…wait for it….

BAM!

and i didn’t even have to wait long.

one of the things i struggle with most in my life
showed up in my face.

inner travel wasn’t looking so good.
i was feelin’ sick to my stomach.

i took to mowing the lawn and thinking.

and it occurred to me pretty quickly –
okay, girl, you’ve been doin’ all this inner work
and thinking…..here’s test material.
this is stuff that throws you big time.
run it thru your latest thoughts and see what you come up with.

was pretty tickled with how quick i came up with this!~
but um….

i got nothing.

nothing.
except a sick stomach.

at first.

but then i got this –

i used my new phrase -‘that’s the nature of…’
and so i filled it in with the people who are
involved, who truly, to the best of my understanding
are very unhealthy. to the point i’d say ‘diseased.’

so i thought of them and the things they do and i thought –
‘that’s the nature of disease.’

and by golly, i could feel some sense of calm come over me.

i gotta be clear on this –
it is in NO WAY excusing anyone for the things they do.
but somehow, that i really don’t get, it gives me space,
and maybe the distance to understand? i don’t know.
i just know i felt a difference inside me.

i had been literally feeling sick to my stomach,
and i thought – you feel sick, because it is sick.
that’s the nature of disease.

again – some sense of calm.
it’s just the way it is.

then i thought about it and what do you do with disease?
if you can’t help, if you can’t fix it, if you can’t do
anything positive in the situation – well, you step away.
you turn and walk away and go to something healthy, yes?

and so today, my plan is to ‘walk away.’

and what walking away really means is instead of thinking
about the nature of disease, i am going to embrace the nature
of healthy. gonna start there as that feels right.
then move on to embrace the nature of terri –
which is the nature of you as well –
god awesomeness!

ohmygosh, i can’t even type it without grinning.

and i repeat –

“the most exciting journey of our life
takes place right inside us.
we are unique and beautiful.
there’s no cooler place to travel.”

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April 5, 2016

not knowing

talkin’ to a friend yesterday.
she’d been doin’ a lot of thinking
and what she decided from all that thinking
was she didn’t know a darn thing!

i applauded her on that one.

yes!

i love that.

i’m pretty sure that the one thing i know
is that i don’t know.

and i’m pretty sure that’s important.

seems like every time i feel like i made some kinda
stride somewhere, a little flap lifts up and i see
that there’s about 10,000 flaps i didn’t know existed
inviting me further in and reminding me that i don’t know yet.

and i think that helps in the looking.
cause maybe if you know, you stop looking and you miss
all those flaps lifting up inviting you down further into new areas…

it really can be like one big detective adventure, can’t it?
you look for clues, you try to figure stuff out,
the plot changes on you, and you grab another lead and head another way…
all taking you further and further into getting to know yourself.
(and thru all those little flaps!)

i love that.

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April 4, 2016

the nature of – part two…

i’ve been thinking about the stuff in friday’s
blog post all weeekend.

if you didn’t see it, go check it out
as this post will make more sense then.

i’ve even had several conversations about this idea already.
and i’ve gotten really taken with it all.

in the conversations i’ve had,
we’ve wondered how does one find their self worth
and really believe in their value?

i suggested that maybe it’s just every day working
with the different tools we find along the way
and the more we work towards it, the more it grows.

and maybe if we keep in mind over and over again
that our nature truly is god awesome magnificent,
then how can that not help but change us?

when one friend referred to her ‘brokenness’ i
stopped her and said ‘what if you’re not? what if
you’re not broken? what if you are one big ball
of god awesome light?’

and ohmygosh, her face…..her face….
as she contemplated that possibility is a picture
i never want to forget.

she backed a bit away from it tho knowing
it would take a lot of work to really get this.

i’m running towards it tho…
knowing that it’ll take a lot of work to live
without this….and i really think the time has come
to work with it.

it’s captured me all weekend.
maybe i’ll never really grasp it.
but i certainly want to play with it and see what
i can do.

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April 1, 2016

the nature of…

okay.
it’s a brand new thought.
okay.
it’s not even finished yet.
so it’s a brand new half thought.

i have a brand new half thought i want to offer.

i was just having coffee with girlfriends
and i was telling them how i was thinking about
‘the nature of light’ and the ‘nature of dark’ this week.
(yeah, i’m a ball to have coffee with!)

and because of that particular phrase –
‘the nature of’ –
i could distance myself a little bit and see a little more clearly.

so when someone i saw as dark got angry with me,
i didn’t take it personally.
i saw it as the ‘nature of dark.’

i could just see it didn’t have anything to do with me.

and well….that’s a pretty big thing for me to see
as i usually have trouble not taking things personally.

the phrase seemed to give me power to see better.

so driving home i got to thinking about that phrase.
and i wondered how i could use it for my own personal growth.

i thought of trying it out as ‘that’s the nature of terri.’
but that didn’t seem right.
wrong direction?
seemed limiting.

so then i wondered if i should try to shoot for ‘the nature of love’
but that seemed fuzzy and missing the mark.

so then i wondered if i should use it when i look at other people.
altho, that seems dangerous.
when you’re lookin’ at other people and not yourself,
well then you get into trouble.

and besides, this is for personal growth.

so maybe……maybe…..if i could sit down and really embrace
my true nature (all of our true natures) and really say this is
who you truly are…..then maybe i COULD use the phrase ‘that’s
the nature of terri.’ maybe it wouldn’t be limiting at all!

hmmmmmmmmm………….

see?
i told you.
half a thought.

but half an exciting thought, don’t you think?

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March 31, 2016

wisdom and light…light and wisdom

the last few days i have been consumed with thinking
about light
and dark.
and the nature of light.
and the nature of dark.
and wondering how wisdom fits into the whole thing.

and somehow, somewhere along the way,
i got to thinking that you can only be true light
if you’re wise. cause you gotta really offer
the pure stuff.

so…um…okay…i’m not wise.
i’m gathering little lint balls of wisdom along the way,
but nowhere near wise. so am i stuck?
no light for terri?

🙁

nah, that can’t be.
so i got to thinking maybe they’re both so directly
tied up in each other that you can’t untangle ’em.

but…the more you try to offer ‘real’ light,
the more you’ll grow in wisdom. you kinda have to.

if we were speaking mathematically i think there
would be something about ratios or proportions.
(see, i can be technical!)

i guess i need to stop on the ‘real’ word
and explain that.
tho, i don’t really know what i mean yet.
this is all brand new.

i think maybe sometimes we offer light at the unhealthy
expense of ourselves. that we give ourselves away to offer
light. in a dysfunctional way.
and yeah, i think there’s light mixed in there,
but it’s not totally healthy, so it isn’t as light as
it could be?
something like that.

but if we keep trying,
and we keep trying to get healthy and offer ‘real’ light-
we gotta look at all our stuff and what’s driving us
and what we can honestly give and not give,
and there’s more –
we gotta look at what’s goin’ on around us –
in the darkness that we want to put light into.
and we gotta look at why we want to try
and if we’re tryin’ to control things or allow things
or hide from things.
we gotta look at what we honestly can offer
and what’s out of our hands.
we gotta look at letting other people stand up on their own
and leaving them be to tumble down again.

there’s a million things we gotta look at if we want
to offer real light.

offering real light takes awareness.
and i think real awareness takes wisdom.

and i’m thinking it’s in the looking –
over and over and over again…
and in the trying –
over and over and over again…
that we gather more and more lint balls of wisdom.
or is that light balls of wisdom?

and i’m thinking that the way different things in life tie in together
is completely stunningly- drop you to your knees – beautiful.

i wonder if there’s a string theory of psychology and human growth?
it’s really starting to feel like it.
and it’s truly feeling magnificent.

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March 30, 2016

psychology immersion

i have been dunked into a pool
of psychology for days now.
completely immersed.

every situation that i’ve been witness to
or part of has been different.

different angles.
different stories.

but all the lessons i’m getting seem to
be exactly the same.

which seems pretty darn nifty to me.

i just wanted to pick one of those lessons
to put out here today.

honesty.

honesty.
honesty.
honesty.

the importance of looking at ourselves as honestly as we can.

i’m thinking as humans,
we’re not all that good at that.
and i’m thinking it gets us into a lotta jams.

and i think even when we try to be honest,
we trick ourselves into thinking we are honest
when we’re not.

so how the heck do we really pull this off?

i don’t know.
keep tryin’ i guess.

keep puttin’ down the ego and who we think we
need to be. keep admitting we don’t know everything
and acknowledging our fear. saying it out loud seems
to have power.

and opening to the idea that we will kill ourselves
in our pursuit of protecting ourselves.

and remembering to just keep asking over and over –
what am i really feeling? what is it i really need?

seems pretty important to me.

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March 29, 2016

more resolutions?

it’s an interesting time of year for me
as there have been way too many
significant deaths that happened around now.
today marks the year anniversary of a friend’s passing.

i think because of these anniversaries,
and because of the time of year,
and because of a whole buncha other reasons,
there’s this strong feeling inside me
that’s just grabbed me and taken hold.

and shoot if it doesn’t feel like it’s
got that new year’s resolution feelin’ goin’.

where you just want to grab your life
and make it everything you can for the coming year.

that’s what i feel like yesterday and today.

yesterday was all about being light and offering
light and spreading light with all my might.

today i’m thinking about being real and
listening with everything i’ve got. making space
for people to share what’s inside them.

i lean in those directions anyway –
but i’m taking about really upping the
intentions and really focusing.

really honoring the glory of who we are.

yeah.
that’s it.

that’s my spring resolution right now.

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March 28, 2016

short, sweet, and really hard

i got smacked in my face
with something i’ve been trying not to see.
i feel like it broke my face wide open.
no.
i feel like it broke my heart wide open.
no.
i feel like it broke every single bit of me
wide open.

and while incredibly painful,
the thought that i connected with it seems
incredibly powerful.

and it’s short, and it sounds sweet,
and it’s so so hard –

it’s something like this –

focusing on light, spreading light, caring about
light, being light – matters more than i really
have understood. and it’s something that i truly
want to commit to with all my might.

that’s it.

short, kinda sweet, and really hard.

but it’s not sweet.
because the light has to be shining in the dark.
and there’s nothing sweet about that.

it takes the kinda strength that has to really
look and see and know and be there anyway.
it takes the kinda muscle that i certainly don’t
have yet. and it takes a more than i even know about.

and yet…..there’s nothing more that i want to do right now.

that’s it.
sounds so simple.
and while i lay here in a broken open state,
none of it feels simple.

and the oddest thing is, i think self love has GOT to
be part of spreading light.

so here i am.
at another stepping up to the plate moment.
and wondering what the pitcher’s gonna throw my way.
thinking i’m gonna swing til i get this right.

cause i can’t think of anything more important.

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