journal

musings and ponderings…

September 30, 2015

a good posty note

i took a survey yesterday.
it asked me if i could have anything
i wanted happen in my business life,
what would it be.

that was easy.
it wasn’t get on oprah.
it wasn’t make millions.
it wasn’t write a best seller.
it wasn’t any of those things that
might come to mind.

it was this –

know that what i was doing was exactly
what i was supposed to be doing, and that there
was no need to worry about anything.

it then asked me what got in my way
to achieving that goal.

that answer was also easy –

self doubt.

this morning i realized those answers
didn’t just apply to my business life.
they applied to all of my life.

lately i’ve had to whisper to myself
more than once to ‘trust the process.’
didn’t really help.
but it was good i knew the phrase and
knew to aim there.
that’s a start.

but what if i could put all that doubt down
and believe in the process and know i was
doing what i was supposed to be doing?

everywhere.
in all places in my life.

of course, that’s with the assumption that
i’m really trying to do my best in all those
places.

which i am.

so………i don’t know……..
seemed like good food for thought today.

you doin’ your best?
then believe in that.
and trust the process.
just keep on doin’ that.

think i may put that in a posty note on my desk.

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September 29, 2015

what exactly was the plan?

for various reasons,
i lay awake last nite coming up with
a plan for today.

i found myself talking out loud to myself
about it and figuring it all out.
i was intent on getting it right.

only to find that from the moment i awoke,
nothing would go as planned.

in fact, everything would be wonky today.

and at each wonky turn,
i asked myself ‘okay, how does THIS affect
the plan?!’

somehow, i kept my eye on the end goal of the
day. and i’d keep looking at that end goal
and aiming towards it, no matter what twist
the day was taking.

now, granted, it’s not over yet,
BUT i have been doin’ this steadily now and
believe i’ll keep refocusing as needed.

in watching this, i’m seeing something i hadn’t
thought of before –
the plan doesn’t really make much of a difference.
you can’t control the wonkiness of life.

but you can keep the goals in mind.
and adjust as needed.

seems basic, i know.
but seems important.
seems like something to carry into all kindsa
things –

maybe we can pretty much count on things NOT
going as planned, and work on not getting hung
up there. and just keep asking ourselves what
was the darn goal? and just keep adjusting course
to get there…….

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September 28, 2015

from my yellow pad of paper

paper1

i was flipping thru this yellow pad
of paper of mine this weekend and stopped
when i read this part –

“when i stopped listening,
i kept hearing.
i didn’t lose sound.
i lost understanding.
i lost you.
all i gained was noise.”

my gosh, that feels like the world to me sometimes.
we haven’t lost sound……
but we’ve lost understanding.

and you know what else it can refer to?
hearing ourselves.

the world thing made me sad.
but the part about turning this towards my own self,
and losing me made me excited.
because i can stop and listen again.

and i think i’d like that.

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September 25, 2015

from my yellow pad of paper

paper1

it’s like a mammoth rock.
squeezed into the space in my chest.
behind my ribs somewhere.
heavy.
unyielding.
laying on my insides.
it’s hard to move.
hard to breathe.
hard to smile.
it stays there.
changing everything.
i want to fake it.
pretend it doesn’t exist.
yet it controls the muscles
in my face.
the strength of my arms.
the ability to hold my head up
for long periods of time.
i cry.
wanting it to be gone.
never realizing
that it’s here to speak to me.
that it’s here because it values me
and wants to remind me to do the same.
i cry.
and find that i can’t wash it away.
finally,
finally,
i sit down to listen.

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September 24, 2015

birthdays

gosh,
i think the older my sons get,
the smaltzier i get.

maybe i realize more and more how fast
time flies. how quickly life passes.
and how important it is to grab it and
cherish it.

it’s my middle son’s birthday today.
and i keep goin’ back to the memories
of the past. i’ve been flooded with them.

i just realized – that’s nice and good.
but enough already.

i gotta go make some new ones to add
to them!

and i’m off to do just that……

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September 23, 2015

from my yellow pad of paper

paper1

under the bus
and over the rocks
she tumbled.
breathing in the grit.
heaving out the hurt.
tire tracks on her arms
she lay there.
everything felt broken.
including her heart.
but she could hear it beating
as she lay there
on the earth.
she watched the bus drive away.
this time.
she knew it’d be back.
and she knew
she’d be thrown under again.
but maybe that time
maybe it’d just be her name
that got tossed around.
maybe the rest of her
would keep standing,
firmly planted.
sooo…
if there was standing involved next time
she needed to get back up this time.
rubbing her ankles
supporting her back
she rose.
spit out the dirt.
got some caught in her teeth.
and headed out
to get some
dental floss.

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September 21, 2015

heroes

a friend of mine quoted a bone sigh over
on facebook to kinda mention her hero in
her life. she asked everyone who their heroes
were and she reminded us not to forget
ourselves on that list.

i smiled when i saw the quote.
kept smiling when i read her acknowledge
her hero…..and then kinda stopped in
my tracks over the not forgetting to
remember that we’re our own heroes.

i stopped.

and thought.

and realized.

i don’t think i have ever considered myself
my own hero.

i’ve considered myself my own best friend.

but there’s a little bit of a different twist
with the word ‘hero,’ ya know?

i thought of that time in my life –
the really dark, hard time when bone sigh arts was
born. i pulled myself outta a life that was
killing me.

i have felt guilt, exhaustion, anger, frustration,
fear, sadness, sorrow, agony, joy, happiness, pride,
shame……..all kindsa things…….

but today as i sat there i realized that when i did
that…..when i showed that inner strength i didn’t
even know i had……i was my own hero.

i didn’t even know that til today.

and i just decided something.
that part of me took one heck of a beating thru
that time. that part of me still gets beat up here
and there. and you know what? it’s time that part of
me got honored.

i’m gonna give my hero a little party.
and celebrate her.

cause she saved my life.
and i think it’s time.

thank you, evelyn.
you really opened a door for me!

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September 18, 2015

is anyone listening?

there’s a song i was listening to the other day
that has a place in it where the singer sings –
‘is anyone listening?’ in a way that really grabs
your attention.

i kept hearing her voice in my head this morning
as i read an exchange on facebook. people were
just spouting their thoughts out to convince the
other person that they ought to think the same.
but there was no point as the other person was
doin’ exactly the same. sure that if they said
it smart enough the other would understand.

i just shook my head.

i thought of some of the stuff that’s gone on
for me this week. and how little i felt heard
in different spots.

seriously, is ANYONE listening?

i put a big “L” on my hand this morning.
i’m headin’ out to spend the day with my family.
i know that family is one place where it’s real
easy to stop listening. we assume so much.

i’m hoping to be reminded all day by that L
and to pay attention. i’ve got nothing i really
need to say today – but ohhhhhhh i have so much
i want to soak in!

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September 16, 2015

i gotta remember this…

sometimes people just don’t grow.
that boggles my mind.
and i have a hard time believing it,
but i’ve seen it a couple of times.
where there’s just not growth.
there’s pretense of growth.
but there’s dysfunction in the driver’s
seat and that keeps everything unhealthy.

maybe that’s part of a certain kind
of mental illness. the illness prevents
the healthy growth.

i find it interesting that there’s
pretense of growth. even downright belief
in their own growth. but it’s just not there.

having been smacked in the face with this
recently, it took my breath away.

i reacted with deep hurt than some really
strong anger.

and now….sadness.

to live a life where you pretend you are
something that you’re not, to try to believe
your own lies…….and then what? die that way?

sad.
profoundly sad.

i watch this kinda thing with many emotions.
and then, i drop my hands down and turn back
to my own world.

even more determined to see as clearly as i can,
to offer who i am for myself and my own reasons,
and to work on growing my kindness.

kindness can be hard sometimes.
trying to offer it around you,
but also to yourself as well…..
that can be quite a project.

a project that i’ll just have to keep workin’ at.

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