journal

musings and ponderings…

November 25, 2015

two handy visuals…

over the years i’ve come up with two different
visuals i do just to get thru those times i have
to deal with difficult people. i figured the day
before the start of the holiday season would be
a good time to share them – perhaps someone else
could use them as well.

the first one is more for people in the distance.
i don’t have to see them, but i know they’re there
and well – it’s not a thrill that they are. i may have
to hear about them or have some kinda distant contact.
the smile and nod gets old, so i have my own little
secret world i can go to.

a world where there’s a giant net hanging next to the planet.
it’s soft and comfy so no one gets hurt,
but it’s a place i can push people into.
or they just naturally fall over into it.
sometimes that’s even more fun.

i just in my mind push them off the planet,
or let them trip over their own feet and fall into the net.
and leave them there.

i’m laughing as i type this.
they’ve come to be called ‘netters’
they all land there together and i find great glee in the thought
of them all having to deal with each other as they lay there all
jumbled in a soft net.

and then i brush off my hands and walk away.

ah.
just typing that out makes me feel good.

the other, is a bit more constructive and i use it sometimes
when i have to actually deal with people i struggle with in person –

i love the visual of stars inside me.
so i start there.
and i visualize the stars glowing in me and warming me.
if i’m really good i can bring myself into the awareness
of the holy inside me.
it’s there.
the stars make it all sing and shine.

when i get there, it’s hard to be anything but compassionate.
and i see those i struggle with and their pain.
doesn’t mean i want to interact with them or be part of their lives.
just means i get to drop the anger and frustration a bit,
(sometimes just a tiny bit)
and just understand that there’s much pain involved.

and then i picture putting a star on them.
maybe in their hair, or on their shoulder, or in their hands.
sometimes just near them if i can’t get that close.

one time i struggled so much in making this visual happen,
i was in the presence of the person and just not liking them,
i went outside, breathed in some air, and did the visual from there.
that bit of distance helped.
then i could go back in.

when it’s all over, i make sure i put a star in my own hair.
gently and with such love.
because usually at that point i need a good dose of self compassion
and that is absolutely needed to complete the star process.

so there ya have it.
two visuals for the holiday season!
both have helped me many times.
maybe you can morph them into something to fit yourself.

here’s to all the undercurrents that go on thru the season,
may we learn from them, learn about ourselves and others…
may we use them to become stronger, more honest and true to
ourselves and brighter candles in the world.

and let the holidays begin!

vine_200x67

November 24, 2015

gearin’ up

it’s almost here.
and it’s really hard to believe.
as far as i know, no one knows where
the year went. just that it went fast.

and here we are either getting ready to
gather with family – which can be a great thing
or a really challenging thing.

or – finding ourselves alone and wondering
if anyone even cares.

or a million places in between.

it certainly can be a smack full in the face day,
can’t it?

as i type this, i worry about a friend in the
hospital and wait anxiously for news,
i think of the daughters of another friend who
isn’t here to celebrate, and wonder how they’ll
make it thru. i think of someone who just lost
their baby, someone else who lost their daughter
this time of year awhile ago.

i think of families that are close and that love
to gather and see each other. and the families
that are strained and just make it thru.

it’s everything, isn’t it? beautiful and painful
and joyful and sad.

i think i’m feeling a little bit of it all this year.

i want to offer a hand to anyone out there feeling
alone and in the dark. i honestly believe we’re all
connected. and my making space and scooting over for
you to come sit near me can actually be felt. i want
to shout to you that you’re not alone. but then i
remember, you scooted next to me here, and i don’t need
to shout. i’ll just whisper in your ear.

you aren’t alone.
you are being thought of.
and that you deserve something nice for the holiday.
so if that’s up to you to treat yourself to,
then do it!

a favorite food, or a movie you love, or some music
that opens your heart.

be gentle with you.
treat yourself well.
and know that we are all in this together.

let’s hunker down and make it a peaceful day.

vine_200x67

November 23, 2015

bad ju ju

man,
it feels like something is in the air,
seems like there’s rough news, sadness,
worry, and lots of general ick all around
the darn place.

i don’t usually say that kinda thing.

i usually can find enough gratitude around me
to see the balance.

and while i can still find a ton to be grateful
for – there is so much right now i’d like to
grab and change for the better.

if i could just be god for ten minutes, i’d
fix a lotta things.

but i can’t.
and so i watch.
and i wonder.
and it feels like there’s so much.

and then i stop and think how much worse
it could be and i think ‘okay, okay. i will
try to keep it all in perspective.’

and i will try to remember how full life is
and how i truly want to learn how to balance
holding it all.

now seems like a great time to practice.

thanksgiving week.
gratitude week.
the start of the holidays.
darkness.
light.
and hope.

deep breath here.
and a focus on the all.

and on the hope.

vine_200x67

November 20, 2015

your passing

i want to just quietly honor someone today.
someone i love.
someone we lost way too early.

i wrote this for her years ago –

“lighting the candle,
i whisper your name.
watching the flame,
i remember your face.
feeling the peaceful glow,
i hold your passing.”

your_passing

lighting a candle today…
and holding her close.

the actual greeting card can be found here.

vine_200x67

November 19, 2015

just sad

i’m sad today.
just sad.
over different things.
the whole range –
from really sorrowful things
to really not that big on the scale.
and i figure that’s okay.

i’m just gonna be sad.

it’s raining today.
and it feels kinda perfect.
my eyes have been crying
right along with the sky.

at first i thought i would try to
turn it around.

and then i decided to just let it be.

interestingly enough,
the tears slowed down when i did that.

just allowed myself to be.

i’m headin’ out soon to watch josh
do a dj show for an assisted living place.

i think it’s gonna remind me of just
how good i got it.

and that feels right too.

life is so full.
and the feeling for this moment is sad.

vine_200x67

November 18, 2015

a side effect

i’m pretty sure what happened this morning
is a side effect form all the horrible news
in the world right now.

a really nice side effect.

i had a moment of gratitude that felt just
a little bit different. and i liked it.
a lot.

i was planning on raking this one particular
patch of my front yard today.
i’m a planner and so i kinda plan out which
parts i’ll tackle and when.

and as i was finishing up my walk and headin’
back to my house when my yard came into view,
i remembered the raking plan.

and without any kinda effort,
or intention,
i immediately thought –
‘it will be a privilege to rake under this
sky today.’

and i meant it.

it just came out.
bam.
and i heard it.
and i knew i meant it.
and i really really liked that it came out.

let’s face it,
raking isn’t on anyone’s top list of things
to do. let alone feeling like it’s a privilege.

except maybe when somewhere deep inside of you
you start to recognize how incredibly lucky you
are to be safe and healthy with your own yard
to rake.

and sometimes, for moments, i really see how
lucky i am.

and then, of course, i forget again.

but this morning, for a moment,
i just totally knew it.

vine_200x67

November 17, 2015

early morning

obviously, the world has been full of grief lately.
darkness.
sorrow.

and there are times it’s hard to remember the light.

when i got up this morning it was really dark out.
and i thought about how much i wanted to be out in
the dark and watch the darkness fade into the light of day.

it mattered to me.
it felt powerfully symbolic.
like something i needed.
and i wanted to purposely hold that beauty of a new day
in my heart.

turned out to be quite an experience.

i not only got to watch brilliant shades of pinks
and magentas light up the sky, i also had a conversation
with some other walkers. neighbors of mine.

they just momentarily mentioned a great loss they had
years ago. they kept going on with the conversation as
if they didn’t want to dwell on it, but rather wanted
to speak to the point at hand.

but, of course, i noticed it.

and as i walked away i thought of all the pain
people carry along with them. and how incredible
the human spirit is.

how they were still kind and loving and friendly
even with the hole that would always be in their hearts.

i watched the sky light up.

and i held the beauty close.

life is so full i don’t know how to handle it all.
if i could just open like the sky…

i will keep trying…

vine_200x67

November 16, 2015

sharin’ josh

as i was contemplating what i wanted
to say today, josh posted his own blog.
i read it and thought it was just
the perfect thing to share.

thanking josh for his heart and
for his light.

you can find his blog here.

vine_200x67

November 13, 2015

a really cool thought

i read this last nite –
from mark nepo’s ‘seven thousand ways
to listen’ and i absolutely loved
the visual. it felt like something
to remember and be patient with.

he’s talking about how hard it is to
change sometimes and then when we finally
do, how weird it feels.

‘It’s like leaning against a wall that is
always pressing in on us. After a while,
we learn that holding up the wall is normal.
When that wall is removed, we have to relearn
how to stand.’

isn’t that perfect?!
and something to remember when we’re feelin’
a little weird after a big change.

vine_200x67

November 12, 2015

a different angle

i know this one’s gonna sound
a wee bit crazy at first.
but bear with me
cause i think this thought
has some potential…

i ran out and did a little raking
this morning.
not long as i’m pacing my aging body!

on my way back in,
i looked up at all the leaves still
waiting to fall.

i marveled at how many leaves each tree has.
and i thought how really cool it was
that they all fell down to earth to be
here in my yard for a little while.

and for the first time ever
i thought about what an honor it was
to be able to rake up a tree’s leaves.

like the trees were giving me a gift.

here’s all these millions of leaves
i’d never be able to get near –
unless –
they fell to the earth for me.
right here.
waiting for me.

and it just felt like the most
wonderful thought.

and for some reason i wanted to share…

vine_200x67