journal

musings and ponderings…

November 8, 2019

being free

the fabric of her dancing shoes

so much of life,
i think,
is about our reacting,
instead of our living.

maybe that has to do with our need to control.

i’m going to be spending some time in the kitchen cooking today,
and this is what i want to ponder.
i’ll be thinking of ways in which i react,
and what i would do different, if i were just being free with
whatever came my way.

seems like a nice thing to ponder for the weekend.
thought i’d leave it here with you as well.

November 7, 2019

live it fully

ah yeah…
it all started with the gutters.
well, let me see…

maybe i’ll just clip what i posted on the bone sigh arts facebook page –

let’s start there –

good morning! i was cleaning out my gutters yesterday evening and doin’ the ‘what if you only had a year to live’ question in my head – what would i change about my life? what would i do? (and for anyone actually facing this, i apologize. i am not trying to be insensitive. it was something that pops into my head here and there.) so it kinda occurred to me i wouldn’t do a whole lot different, i really like the things i do, but it’s HOW i would do them. so like cleaning the gutters, i might still do that if they needed cleaning, but i’d do it with so much more mindfulness. i’d appreciate my house and the sky and the leaves in the gutter. that kinda thing. then i realized that if i really only had a year to live, i wouldn’t have the energy to go carting the ladder around and gettin’ up and down to the gutters. so i realized what i was really figuring out was how i want to live NOW. it had nothing to do with dying. that’s a whole different story. one i prolly won’t understand til i get there.
so the living now – more intentional, more present, more aware, more in awe. i think i live that about 20% of my life right now. i thought ‘wow, what if i upped it to 60%?!’ – that doesn’t even seem that difficult, ya know?
so as i type this i’m hearing my clock ticking, i love that sound. mixed with my typing. another sound i love. and feeling the softness of this warm sweater bob got me, and thinking how lucky i am. i’ll be heading into a hot shower that i want to totally experience! so there’s a pretty good start, huh?! wanna ramp up your living a bit? let’s do this!

….

so that’s what’s on my mind.

someone commented on how she wouldn’t be cleaning the gutters
if she only had a year to live.
i had to grin.
of course she wouldn’t.
who would?!
i mean, really.
but um…
well…
i might.

cause like i say – i LIKE what i do – if i do it mindfully.
it can be most things.
there prolly ARE a few things i’d totally skip.
but gutter cleaning can be great fun, if i do it right.

so, that’s the thing –
it’s in the doing.
in the presence.
in the gratitude.

and this is what is on my mind today.

i am tired today.
but i keep thinking ‘so?’
‘live mindfully anyway!’

and i keep looking out the window.
because the trees are forever whispering that very thing.

November 6, 2019

obsessed?


discovery.
it really really is a journey of discovery, isn’t it?!

when i started my ‘new’ life –
i began to search like never before.
‘love’ was the start of it.
wondering what it was and did it even really exist.
and then it went on from there.

seems like with each big concept,
i would get sucked in and everything around me
seemed to be making a statement about whatever
it was i was pondering.

well, that hasn’t stopped.
and lately, on this bend of the road,
it’s ‘health.’
being healthy.

i am swimming in a sea of thoughts on how health
affects everything.

ALL health – body, mind and energy.

and i’m kinda stunned that it’s not one of those basic things
– like reading or math –
that we all are taught and learn as we go along.

i am feeling totally floored and wondering how it is
that i haven’t put this together yet.

it’s so not just physical either.
i just don’t think any one area is more important
than the others. you need all of ’em to be as healthy
as you can get ’em.

so, yeah, okay, great terri.
but what if i’m in a terrible physical place?
and i won’t ever get totally healthy that way?
then what?
i don’t know.
i honestly don’t know.
maybe we just try to get as healthy as we can
with whatever the circumstances.

it’s the same with inner wounds.
what if you’re just oozing inner wounds that are so
big and so deep you aren’t ever gonna totally heal those?

i guess that maybe there’s a balancing act here, huh?
of accepting that and moving as forward as you can at the
same time. of believing that there will be limits, but there
also will be limits you can knock down.

but i think the first thing –
before any of that –
is the understanding of how important health is.

and i feel like someone just turned on the lights
and began to show me…

and wow, i’m amazed at what i see.

November 5, 2019

feelin’ the pull…

i think it’s the light.
and the peace that it brings.
but the other day, the thought of
putting up my christmas tree came to me.

yes, it’s way too early.
and no, i never wanted to put it up this early before.

i wrinkled my eyebrows with the thought.
the ‘rules’ of seasons were squarely on my shoulders.

and yet,
there was definitely a part of me that wasn’t convinced.
and was workin’ on unsquaring those rules of mine.

and then!
i saw a friend post a photo of his house decorated in lights!
he had begun the holiday early!
now, okay, to be fair –
he is playing buddy, the elf, in the play, elf.
and so he’s probably totally in the mood.
that all makes sense.

but when i commented,
i saw someone else was commenting almost at the same time –
that she was feeling the same thing i was –
she never put the tree up til after thanksgiving,
but was feeling the pull now.

when i mentioned that i was too,
she said she’d been hearing that a lot.
and then! when i commented on all this on the
bone sigh arts facebook page,
i found others were also feeling this!

i find that really interesting.

is it the light and the peace a tree brings?
maybe the weather is nice and cold?
maybe we’re all just a little weary and looking for a boost?
okay, not ALL of us.
i know this makes a lot of people really cranky.

which, i gotta say,
i don’t get.
you don’t have to do it.
but i don’t get the crankiness over early decorators.
isn’t it great to see people doing something fun and light filled?!
there isn’t anything negative about that.
anyway…

this all delighted me and i thought hmmmm….maybe i WILL
do this earlier than usual!

but the best part –
absolutely the best part for me was my husband’s loving response
when i mentioned all this.
he just wanted me to be happy, and if it made me happy,
then let’s do it!

he’s really good about not having to follow rules.
i love that.

it’s been a hard few months here.
okay, maybe longer.
and yeah, i think that i need the light and peace a tree adds
to my living room at night.
and i think i’m gonna do this.
maybe next week.
maybe not.
i’m just going to do it when the timing works out.
which will have nothing to do with the calendar
and everything to do with when it feels right.

and i like that a lot.

if you listen and something inside you says ‘yes, this
will add to the peace here right now’ – how cool is it
to even HEAR that?! and THEN to have a partner encourage
you to act on it, and THEN to act on it.

well, yeah.
i like this a lot.
pass the tinsel – this will happen before too long!

November 4, 2019

too lovely not to share…

wanted to share a little tid bit of mark nepo
that i read the other day.
i love every bit of this –

“But tell me, who taught us to record what we see as knowledge,
only to confirm it to ourselves as truth? Oh, I want to stay in
conversation with you for a very long time. Till our talk undoes
the talker, unraveling the mouth of Eternity. Under all our names,
we have but one, which waits like an ocean for us to enter.
When together like this, in the open, I feel the one name. I find
comfort in the vastness of your company.”


beautiful, yes?
just wanted to share a little beauty today…

November 1, 2019

weird and wonderful

so i had this moment yesterday.
it really sent some zing through me.

and to my great joy,
noah was there as well,
so he could confirm it to me later and to
my family as i tried to tell them the story.

i had posted yesterday’s blog –
the thing about halloween and the thin veil
between the worlds.
i had thought about people i had lost
and wondered where they were and how it all worked.

and then i just hunkered in for a busy day.
wasn’t going to go anywhere.
was a quiet day at home.

but a couple of unexpected things happened,
and i found myself pulling into the lowes parking lot,
with noah (my son) in my car.
as i got out, i noticed the woman sitting in the truck
next to my car. i looked over, as i thought i might
be in her way, and i wanted to smile and let her know i was
gonna get out of her way if she was about to get out of her
truck as well.

and when i looked over,
i saw –
wow –
the woman was the spitting image –
and i mean TRULY spitting image –
of someone i had lost.
an elderly neighbor whom i had shared a bond with.

and the look she gave me…
well, it was really unusual.
it was quiet and knowing and…
odd?
mysterious?
otherworldly?
i just don’t know.

and no, she wasn’t goin’ anywhere.
she was just sitting there.

so, anyway, i can go on and on about the moment,
but you get the idea.
it was startling.
and wonderful.
and full of zing.

and you know what?
i cannot stop thinking about it.
and i wonder.
cause i’ve heard all the zillions of stories,
have some of my own stories,
and just really wonder, ya know?

and now…
with this whole ‘vastness’ thing i’m trying to hold –
how the heck does any of it fit together?!

how the heck does any of it make sense?!

yeah, i guess it doesn’t.
and yeah, i guess that’s the beauty and the awe of it all.

today as i look out at the most gorgeous fall, first of november day,
and think of all of this, i just feel humbled, awed, and filled with
gratitude. which seems perfect as we head into ‘gratitude month.’

i don’t understand any of it.
but i sure wanna live all of it.

October 31, 2019

happy halloween!

ahhh it’s the veil thing today, yes?
when the veil between the worlds thins?

and maybe we get a glimpse?

thinking of many that have moved on,
and wondering…

wishing you a happy, fun filled, mystical, mysterious, halloween.

October 30, 2019

surrounded and filled

okay, undecided where to start here.
so think i’ll be vague to begin with…

my imaginary friends –
if you follow this blog at all,
you know i have them.

parts of myself that i’ve personified?
yeah, maybe.
without really intentionally doing that.
they’ve just kinda shown up with a life/mind of their own.

i call on them when i need help.
i visit with them when i’m feeling really good.
they randomly show up on their own.

this morning i called on them for help.
and my gosh,
everything i needed was right there –
compassion,
love,
joy,
companionship,
understanding,
realism (snort! yeah, i just said that)
wisdom,
fun and laughter,
tenderness.

they’re all of that and more.

and beyond anything they ‘said’ to me,
i think the huge thing i got was seeing that i absolutely
had all that inside of me if i only ask and look.

the excitement of this shift i’m feeling
(see post below)
is also holding some rattling motion.
i am feeling a bit rattled.
i’m okay with it.
understand that’s part of the growth.
but it sure was nice to get some company who
understood me this morning!

where do you go when you’re feeling lost?
when you feel like all your beliefs won’t really guide you
at the moment?
when you know you have exploring to do,
but haven’t a clue how to get started?

“INSIDE!” they all holler in delight!
go inside and travel there.
once you see that everything you need is inside of you,
maybe you’ll be free enough to really let go your grasp
on everything you don’t need…

wow.
forward on.

October 29, 2019

wowzers

i have no idea how to express this.
even if i had the words,
i certainly don’t have the understanding.
just some sorta feeling.

but that’s never stopped me before!
there’s a shift.
and i mean A SHIFT goin’ on inside me right now.

perhaps this happens every twenty years or so.
’cause as i type this, that seems very possible.

maybe each shift brings me to a broader and wider place.
and maybe this place is simply the next step for me.

whatever the case,
it’s been brought on by my sons.
all three of ’em.

there’s josh, my incredibly articulate astronomy savvy son who has
dived back into the stars with gusto.
there’s noah, the photographer who grabs my soul with his photos –
who has taken up astrophotography.
and there’s zakk, my biking buddy who has been having marvelous
conversations with me, expanding my thoughts and nudging me
further as we pedal along.

i think those three things, mixed with a lotta other things,
made me ‘ready’ to ‘see’ the vastness of space.
of course, i don’t really mean SEE.
i mean – widened my eyes with wonder, awe, and who knows…maybe
even a little fear.
i mean – maybe grasp that it’s so huge i’ll never grasp anything close
to an understanding.
i mean – all of that which i have always had – only this time, much more
in my awareness and maybe in my gut.

cause guys – it’s big.
i mean REALLY REALLY big.
SO big that i realize a lot of the thoughts i have about my existence,
god, the universe, everything – are too small.
they’re just too limited and small for me right now.

and then – toss in that josh reminded me that this vastness goes
the other way as well – way down deep beyond atoms into the vastness
of whatever mystery that all is.

none of this is news to me.
but how i’m processing it is new.
things that i have gotten comfortable with aren’t fitting anymore.

i have absolutely no idea what to do with this.
i know what i don’t want/can’t do right now.
it’s the stuff that makes me feel like my heart shrinks,
or stuff that makes me feel really confined.
that much i know.

but what is it i should turn to?

i have no idea.
but something happened yesterday that has me thinking
i need to turn to my imaginary friends right now.

yeah.
can you just believe that?!
what kinda solution is that?
it’s mine.
and it’s a start.

so yeah, the blogs may get a little strange.
in fact, i’d like to tell the story that happened yesterday.
i’ll try that tomorrow.
why?
why the heck would i put the weird out here?
because i don’t know what else to do.
if these are to be real, then they need to cover what’s
goin’ on with me.
and who knows, maybe part of my figurin’ it out will
come this way.
we shall see.

anyway,
that’s where i am.
and i have no idea where i will go from here.
stay with me?
it could be a lotta fun.