journal

musings and ponderings…

April 26, 2017

it means accepting the crash…

was pondering something before
i fell asleep last nite.

i have noticed how i can really open
to love in certain moments with people
that i don’t always find that easy.

i can feel it, know it’s real and true.
and yet, i can’t sustain it.
i go right back to struggling.

there are those i love easily and much more
continually – i’m talkin’ about the people i only
feel moments with. the ones that i can say out
loud from my head that i love them. but the heart
only feels really open here and there.

i would like to learn to sustain the open feeling, i think.
cause isn’t that the point of it all? not sure. was pondering.
thought i’d take the thought to sleep with me.

in mentioning it to my partner before i fell asleep,
he likened it to jumping. how you can jump but you can’t fly.

my eyes got big.
talk about the PERFECT analogy.
wow.

i snuggled in thinking about that.

hmmmm….but yeah, i think i wanna learn how to fly.
so i pictured the jumps and leaps you’d have to take
before you even got close to it. and the closer you got to it,
my gosh, the harder those falls were.

ohmygosh.
you gotta be totally willing to crash, don’t you?
and then get up again.
like a gazillion times over.

i’m sure in some sense i’ve had this thought before.
but with this visual in mind, i could see it so clearly
and feel what those crashes would be like.

think about the one just before you flew?
the last one before you got the hang of it?
broken bones for sure.

am i willing to crash that hard?

what a thought, huh?

and i go back to pondering…

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April 25, 2017

rainy day tea snippets…

taking myself out for tea seems
like it’s something i should start
getting into the habit of doing.

and so, i did.

it’s rainy and chilly and cozy
and a perfect day to sit at the coffee shop
and just be.

here’s a few snippets from my morning.

brown bag and coffee-to-go in one hand,
briefcase in another.
add the long gray hair and the trench coat,
and one feels certain
his classroom awaits.

….

crutches in the rain,
crawling into the pickup truck,
energy abounds.
off to school.

shuffling with intense concentration,
his need not to fall
and keep going
shutting out all life around him.

carrying his importance
in the leather backpack
that he swings over his suit coat,
he strides out, coffee in hand.

….

hoodie pulled over his head,
pack swaying slowly along with his pace.
loneliness looks even heavier in the rain.

….

black hair, skin, clothes, shoes and umbrella.
smile of the sun.
she opens the door and lights up the room.

folding umbrellas,
dripping water,
they came in as friends.
the weather made it so.

….

aliveĀ and moving,
bright and shiny,
his dreads as awake as he is.

skinny legs sticking out of boots,
hoodie up,
keys swaying,
she heads to her car.

….

blazer and heels
stopping for a cup of coffee
on the way to the meeting.

….

golden accessories
of every kind
they gossiped by the window.

….

one sounded like he forgot to put his teeth in.
the other like his mouth was full of chew.
chatting over coffee.

a memory walked in
and washed over me.
bittersweet.
what a perfect word.

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April 24, 2017

here’s a nice tidbit

i grabbed some alone time this weekend.
along with some books and pen and paper.
i sat and read and wrote and sipped tea
and savored every bit of it.

one of the books i grabbed was
‘the language of emotions’ by karla mclaren.

here’s a little piece i read a few times over yesterday –

‘Resistance is not the problem; it’s actually a gift of
emotional alchemy. If you can honor your resistance and
turn consciously toward your suffering (and your stress
responses), you’ll become tremendously resourceful and
useful in ways unimagined by those who strive for calm
and unaffectedness at all costs. Your task is not to erase
resistance, but to embrace it, to notice what you’re resisting
and why, to notice what you’re stressing over (and unconsciously
emphasizing) and why, and to understand why you’ve brought
your soul to a dead stop and dropped yourself into the sacred
territory of suffering. True awakening cannot come from slipcovering
your soul and pathologizing your emotions or your emotional
resistance; true awakening can only occur when you allow emotions,
resistance, and suffering to touch, inform and even seriously disrupt you.
The only way out is through.’

yeah.
pretty cool, huh?!

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April 21, 2017

trying to tie them together…

i’m thinking this might work –
taking two thoughts and workin’ them together.

thought one – ever since i read a beautiful poem the other day,
i’ve been thinking about being a violin.
a violin that plays the music of life.
or of god.
or both.

what an image, huh?
not mine. got it from hafiz.

i am so taken with it.
i just find it stunning.

it kinda changes things for me.

i’m the instrument that lets the music come thru me.

i love that.

i know.
not really a new thought.
but boy, it sure hit me right the other day.
and somehow i felt like i could hold it.

thought two – there’s different parts inside me wrestling right now.
some of the parts have served their purpose and need to leave.
but they’re fighting the newer parts that are coming in. there’s
a whole big wrestling match goin’ on.

what if i keep the violin in mind?
what if i tie these thoughts together?
what if stop wrestling and start playing music?

no. i have no idea how.
but i do believe that’s what i’ll be thinking about this weekend.

maybe the next time i feel the tug of war,
i’ll sit back and let go and listen for the music.

that’s my plan at the moment.

could be awesome cool, ya know?

music

April 20, 2017

dibbs on this one!

i had a thought that put life in perspective
for me this morning as i walked.

suppose life worked like this –
everyone gets a struggle. okay, more than one.
but we’ll start with one.
every single person.

and there’s a list that gets passed around with all
the struggles you could have.

bomb drops on your town
cancer
child dies

get the idea?
yeah, a big long list.

and i see the thing i was struggling over on the list.

ahem.

right there.
and it sure seems like it got on the list by accident,
cause it ain’t nothin.

i see it.

‘ohhh! ohhh! ohh!’

‘i got dibbs on that one!’ i holler.
and i grab it with great glee and gratitude.

cause, really? it ain’t nothin.

you know what?
this completely put my ‘problem’ in perspective today.

thought i’d toss it out there for anyone else it might help.

i’m gonna try to keep this one in mind.

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April 19, 2017

revamping mother’s day!

oh you guys,
if i could be king of the world,
i’d really love to revamp all the holidays!

just sent out the weekly email that covers this subject
and two new prints we have for mother’s day.

come on over and check it out!

you can find it here.

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April 18, 2017

expectations

we had friends over this weekend.
and sitting around the table, one of them shared
something great she had read or heard –

no one ever breaks your heart.
they break your expectations.

bam.
that hits, doesn’t it?!

i grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and wrote it down.

i know expectations are a problem.
and they get me into trouble over and over again.
and when i’m in tune with living, i pay attention to them.
i stay aware and work on not getting trapped by them.
but mostly i forget, have them, and get myself hurt over and over again.

i thought this was a beautiful way to put it.
and a wonderful thing to keep in mind!

and maybe the next time i feel hurt,
i can remember this phrase and put it all into perspective from there.
ahem.
or work on that anyway.

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April 17, 2017

i thought it was kinda cool…

i had been listening to ‘jesus christ superstar’
the past few weeks. i do every year at easter time.
and each year i get something different out of it.
so i really enjoy that tradition.

i found this year intriguing.
as i listened to all the different people in the opera,
i thought about how i had a piece of each one inside of me.
every single one of ’em.
the more i listened, the more intrigued i became.

i liked i could own all the feelings and traits.
that felt honest to me.
and helped me look at myself.
and i didn’t feel like it was just me.
i felt like we all have all this inside of each one of us.

on easter morning, i found myself in the car with two of my sons.
as i was telling them about this,
i started describing what i heard and what i felt.
and i realized something –
the traits that i was recognizing were the shadow kinda traits –
or at the very least – traits we’d consider ‘weaker’
arrogance, dishonesty, confusion, neediness, on and on….

that realization felt delicious to me.
here it was easter morning and i was putting it together in my head –
and i came up with the symbolism of us all having all these weaker
or darker or shadowish kinda stuff in us – and the symbolism of jesus
in this whole interpretation thing i was doing – being the light, the good,
the stronger – the healthy stuff.

and how if we let it, the darker stuff can try to kill the good stuff inside us.
but the good stuff won’t be killed.
it CAN rise again.

ha!
talk about an easter message for your inner self!

i thought that was the coolest thing!
and i hadn’t put it all together until easter morning.
ha!
sometimes ya just gotta love the way things fall into place.

so what do i do with all this?
i enjoy the thought process.
i own all the parts of me.
and i believe more and more in the strength of my goodness.

kinda cool.

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April 13, 2017

full moon

i wrote this after my walk this morning.
wanted to share –

……..

walking out of the house,
my mind was like an old metal government desk –
nothing sturdy or fresh about it.
stacked with mountains of folders stuffed with
paper after paper.
bold type alerted the reader to urgent matters,
one after the other, after the other after the other
while different papers were covered in words too small to read.
lost in the dust, i was unaware of the weariness.
until i saw the moon.
it is with her i understand love at first sight.
it is with her that i instantly lose myself and become myself.
it is with her that my heart spins centered.
this morning, it was with her that i understood why she comes
to me full and sits with me.
i finally grasped the science of it.
for in her fullness i can bring my fullness and sit with her.
and nothing is as healing as a full moon.
this she knows.
this she offers.
it is with humbleness i accept her invitation and walk with her.
sit with her.
and fall in love once again.

 

she and the moon

April 12, 2017

takin’ a moment…

more than one friend right now
has some scary health stuff goin’ on.

and then a customer came thru with some real hard
life stuff happening to her. so big, she’s having
trouble just making it thru the day.

i wanted to just make space here today.
for them.
for you.
and for anyone you know who can use it.

what do you do when you’re just so scared?
or when you’re just so lost?
or when you’re just so hurt and full of pain?

the only thing i can think of is to breathe.

let’s just stop and breathe a little bit.
and maybe for a few moments don’t do anything else
but breathe and be.

maybe we can do that here and there.
together.
maybe it’ll help you find a few moments of peace.

and maybe we can gather those moments and hold them.

you’re not alone.
there are many of us out here breathing right along with you today.

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