journal

musings and ponderings…

November 16, 2017

the beauty of november, gratitude and thanksgiving…

i gotta say –
here in maryland,
november is one heck of an
awesome month.

it’s absolutely beautiful.

it’s kinda amazing to me that my brain
can get programmed and have beliefs
without anything to back them up!

my thoughts on november as being a not so pretty month
is one of them. where the heck did i get that from?!

(and how the heck many other beliefs do i have that
are just as completely incorrect?!)

each year lately, i seem to be surprised at the depth
of beauty outside. and as i sit and look out my window,
it feels so right that this is the month that carries
thanksgiving inside itself.

as i get older, thanksgiving reveals more and more layers
and more and more depth. kinda nice i’m really noticing the
month and the holiday all at the same time.

i want to start gearing into thanksgiving.
which feels like perfect timing as i’m having a pre-thanksgiving
dinner tonite with some friends.

i think i’d like to take the next week and just concentrate on
gratitude and maybe make some gratitude offerings to be passed around.

i know there are so many that are in hard places right now.
it feels like a delicate dance to focus on the gratitude and
hold the sorrow of so many i love all at once.

i want to do that tho.
i want to gently offer tiny pieces of the beauty we’ve been given
along with a softness to wrap any suffering in.

life is no easy journey.
and yet, it’s depths of beauty can overwhelm the heart.

i think i really want to spend the next week wandering in all that.

care to join me?

 

 

‘the challenge of living’

“to allow the sorrow and weight of life
and yet to dance with an easy and open heart.
to ache in your darkest depths
and yet to laugh from your light filled center.
to know the reality of humanity
and yet to believe in the magic of the stars.
to act with love in the middle of the fear
and to hold each moment as the gift that it is.
this is the challenge of living.”

 

November 15, 2017

oh. yeah. right. my choice.

choices.
yeah.
i’m at it again.

seems like i am forever writing about choices.
how they matter, how we need to watch closely
and make the healthiest ones possible.
how i think they totally change our lives.
all that kinda thing.

and i’m generally reminded of this when i watch
someone  around me make bad ones.
always always easier to see in someone else.
then i can go flip it around on myself and work that way.

i think tho, that i have been getting hung up in the bigger choices.
the obvious stuff.

today i am thinking about my choice in my reactions to those
i care about who i feel are making bad decisions with their choices.

i have looked at this before.
and struggled.
today i’m feeling the need to really sit with it again.
it seems imperative if you really love anyone and you care
about their well being.

suppose i see you make some unhealthy choices.
and maybe i feel close enough and concerned enough to say something.
but we all know, that doesn’t really matter.
people will do what people will do.

what then is my choice in reacting to ‘my way’ not being ‘the’ way chosen.
what matters to me to keep in mind in my reaction to that?

that’s what i’m thinking about today.
so far these things have come up for me –

– really seeing the situation honestly. not skewed by what i want to see.

-trusting that we all have our journey, and while i may think i know best,
realizing that i have no clue what life holds for anyone, and that my place
is to concentrate on my own journey.  and over and over turn my attention
back to my own journey.

-holding the compassion i have for the other person. not losing that.
and at the same time not getting sucked up in their drama.

-not taking their choice personally. it has NOTHING to do with me.
and how crazy i need to remind myself of this, but i do.

-believing in the person, even when it feels really hard to hold that.

-taking the judgment out and leaving it out.

-being clear that i care, and doing all i can to keep that healthy.
for me, it’s easy to wander into the whole co-dependent enabling stuff.
that’s my second nature. so being on top of that and keeping that
clearly outta the picture is really important.

okay….that’s what came to the top of my head without even sitting very long with it.

so.
i guess what all that means is that i see these opportunities to act
with strength and integrity and all the things i want to embody….
and i embrace the opportunity. and i concentrate there.

wow.
don’t even try to tell me that living with awareness is easy.
but wow, it’s what i want.
and it’s not cause i’m wonderful.
it’s cause i’m greedy.
i love love love what you get when you work on this stuff.

so here i am again.
workin’.

 

 

November 14, 2017

sharing josh and les…

it was such a good
experience going to the
cd release party of our buddy les.

i’ve talked about les here before.
he’s my musician friend who had a stroke.
he was working on this cd pre-stroke.
now two years later, he’s released it,
yet still unable to play guitar.

they took what he had done and created
the cd from that. musicians who played on
the cd played at the party, les gave a little
background and they played the cd itself.

it was quite a moving experience.
i think everyone there felt that.
josh did his weekly podcast about les
and another inspiring musician.

thought i’d share!
you can find that here.

i’m with josh – let’s all give 200% today!

thanking those who inspire me over and over again.

and toasting les! one of my real life heroes.

November 13, 2017

fortunate

it was an incredibly full weekend.
full meaning busy, yes.
but also, full of so many
different emotions and
life circumstances.

i sat this morning thinking about it all.
and asked myself what was my ‘take away.’
was there something that kinda summed it up for me?
or a repeating theme that kept showing up?

and yeah.
there was.
there is.
it’s how incredibly fortunate i am.

i am lucky enough not to be in dark place at the moment.
tho, i haven’t lived this long without learning they come
around again. i know that. but right now, it’s light.
and right now i’m healthy. and right now i have so so so much.

i watch people i love with such real and heavy struggles.
i don’t have any right now.
that’s a really really big thing to celebrate.
but it’s more than that even!
i just feel so fortunate in every direction.

and so much of the stuff i have wrestled with doesn’t matter anymore.
and i can feel some of the stuff that is the stubborn hanging on stuff
losing its grasp. and i feel life changing again.

over and over it changes.
that’s another take away from the weekend –
life never stands still.
over and over it changes.

part of me wondered if it was an okay thing to rejoice in my fortune
when so many people i care about are in such pain.
and yeah, that wonder didn’t last long.
cause i knew right away – it matters to rejoice in the good.
so that when the heavy comes around again, i can hold on to the rejoicing
and know of the cycle of living.

and holding that gratitude matters.
cause many many many times, even when we’re in the heat of the struggle,
we’re way more fortunate than we realize.

i want to learn to have the gratitude thru it all.
and i know that’s no easy thing to do.
i’m in the easy part right now.
and i’m not just gonna hold the gratitude,
i’m gonna tear up the dance floor with it.

 

“they worked.
it hurt.
it was hard.
exhausting.
and when they were done
they knew they had moved
a mountain.
now they had space
for a dance floor.”

November 10, 2017

a new question for myself…

just for fun,
i tossed out a question on fb –
‘what’s THE one thing you hope
will happen today?’

then i walked away and thought
about that for myself.

my first thought was that i was going
to see a friend today who i know is having
a hard time. i want to make her feel appreciated
and valued. okay. so that’s my one thing.

but then i though of my guy who has off today,
and i thought, well, YEAH, i would like for him
to feel that too.

and then i thought of my friends i was headin’
out to see soon – well….hello, terri, i want
them to feel that too!

on and on it went.
down a path which led me to this –

i want everyone i interact with today to feel
appreciated and valued.

oooooooohhhh….

what a beautiful intention.

can you imagine holding that for a whole day?

i liked this idea.

and i thought that if i could hold some kinda intention
every day and keep that in mind…..well that would just
add so much to my days.

i’m absolutely sure i’ve had this thought in a different flavor
before! i know i have. (usually i forget that i did! but this time
i know i did)(which isn’t really a good thing as it means i’ve
done this for at least a day and then stopped)
but! i am not going to let that deter me!
i am going to try it again!

i really really think an intention for the day would be
something that would work great for me.
how about you?
it could be cool, couldn’t it?!
wanna try?
bet we forget after a few days!
but that’s okay!
when we remember, we’ll try again.

this has added extra zip to my looking forward to my day ahead.
and in noticing that, i want to tuck this thought in my head
for those days when i have very little zip and need a pick me up.

intention rocks!
intention rules!

November 9, 2017

weekly email…

i just sent out the weekly email.
not sure who gets what, but if you’re
not on facebook, this might be a nice
way to share some of the photos with you
from the wedding. there’s just a few there.
also an original on etsy.

so, if you’re so inclined,
come take a peek!
you can find it here.

November 8, 2017

me and the world…

sometimes i am just filled with the feeling
of wanting to hold every single person who
is in pain and just offer them some
peaceful energy and compassion and love.

i know a lot of you know that feeling.

or i’m just so grateful for the people who
pass thru my life and offer support and
encouragement and i just want them to know
how much it has meant.

or i’m so in awe of so many people that have
healed after such hardships, that i just want
to sit with them and be near them.

it’s like i want to have a huge supper table
the size of wyoming where we all sit down together
and you can just sit in the love and feast
with each other and be inspired.

yeah.
yeah.
i know.

but i can’t help it.
i get that way sometimes.
okay, i’m that way most of the time.

this morning i thought about that as i posted a few
wedding photos on facebook.
there’s a picture or two of the lights in the trees.
over where we stood to get married.

i posted that because for me, it was you guys.
all you guys in my bone sigh community.
i feel such a connection, appreciation, love,
desire to help, gratitude for the help you’ve
given me….all of it wrapped up in a big ball.
i wanted to honor that.

i made a heart with stones i had gathered.
it was there on the ground right near where i stood
to say my vows.
it was you guys.

the stones were picked as i thought of some of you
with stories that have really moved me. the lights
were hung with gratitude for all we’ve experienced.

well, mine were. and to be honest, i didn’t hang that
many. well, i did, but they were vetoed and redone. 🙂
i mentioned the intention briefly to my guys who were
helping me, but mostly i kept it to myself and thought
about it.

because, for me, it’s on the holy side.
and i tend to get quiet about that stuff.

but yeah, it’s definitely on the holy side –
the honoring of those in my life who have touched me.

it matters to me to say it out loud and to let you guys know.
it matters to me to honor it.

you were there. with me. you so were.
truth is, you always are.

and i wanted to make sure i told you that today.

thank you for your presence in my life.
it is held with the greatest of gratitude.

November 7, 2017

lovin’ this reminder!

it was cold out this morning
when i went walking.
there was that chill in the air
letting you know summer
was way past you now.

i like the cold.
so i’m good with it.
i really enjoy all the seasons,
so when they change, i get excited.

as i walked breathing in the chill,
i noticed this little guy.
and stopped right in my tracks –
a dandelion full of wishes!

i couldn’t believe it.

didn’t he know it wasn’t summer anymore?!
i stooped down to look.
considered blowing the wishes into the air.
and thought better of it.
i decided to take a quick picture instead.

i loved how he stood there so tall,
just being beautiful whether it seemed
the right time or not.

for him, it was.

i loved that.

i need to remember that.
i don’t have to do anything a certain way.
when it comes to being me, i should stand tall
and be me. no matter what the surroundings.

just stand tall and be me.

what a gorgeous reminder this morning.

November 6, 2017

melting…

it was dark out.
i was walking.
the moon was playing
hide and seek with the clouds.

i was feeling good.
really good.
my body is finally moving at a strong pace
and my back isn’t complaining about it.

so i was moving along at a nice clip,
feelin’ good,
when all of a sudden,
a sorrowful thought fell on me.

it’s kinda like we all have a box of sorrow.
ya know?
things we tuck in there that we’ve experienced
or witnessed all thru life.
they don’t go away.
they’re with us always.
we just don’t always notice them or feel them.

well, this morning, it was like this box was above
my head. like that’s what it does –
it floats above my head.
and one thought in particular fell outta the box
and landed right on top of me.

splat.

i’m guessin’ one thought led to another and that
pulled this one outta the box. but i don’t remember
the progression of thoughts.

all i know is one minute i was happy, and then,
bam…in the next, i felt this incredible sorrow.

it was obvious right there in the moment how odd it was.
how it was such a drastic change in emotions.
and because of that, i could stay present with it.
i let it melt me.
i walked and melted.
and yet, i don’t know how to explain this –
i didn’t lose the good feeling that i had.
the were both equally inside me.

i think this is the first time ever in my whole life
that i was present with the good and the sorrowful
in such an intentional way. and it worked.

i have wondered for years how to do this.
and i have no idea still. i don’t know what i did.
i just know that i did it for a moment.
and i was so present.
i was just there with what i was feeling.
nothing else.

maybe that’s how to do it.
i don’t know.

but it felt like a really important moment.