journal

musings and ponderings…

June 16, 2020

step carefully…

there are some people
who are just mean.

and since they weren’t born that way,
i’m sure their journey to mean was quite painful.

i rarely see mean.
my life is full of a loving people.
so when i do, it really stands out.

and what i find really interesting
is that the inner child part of me reacts big time.
wanting to be miles away from mean.

so it’s an interesting combination of things
that get going inside of me.
i try hard to remember the compassion,
as i step way way way far outta the way.

the thing with mean people who want to be part
of your life is they’ll make any problems your fault.
and want you to stick around.

i can’t.
i won’t.
and sometimes, it’s all complicated enough that there
is a moment or two of confusion.

and then i remember…
i want to stand in the light of my gentle heart.
and that’s no little thing to stand in.
i have to watch where i’m putting my feet.
there is no standing room in mean for me.

smiling.
and loving the life i have built for myself.
and how the older i get,
the more i want of peace.



June 15, 2020

kai’s blessing

kai’s blessing

the quote/print above
was our quote of the day today.

i spent the weekend trying to listen closer.
or maybe, just trying to quiet more.
maybe that’s a better way of saying it.
as i have a lot of inner quieting to do before
i even get to the listening stage.

and i think this is why…
what this quote says –
this would be why i want to do that.
and so it meant a bit extra to me this morning.
and it reminded me to keep going.

so i’m making a plan to finish as early as i can,
and head outside and be out for as long as i can.
because out there, i tend to quiet down.

June 11, 2020

advice

so…
i asked myself a question yesterday.

it was ‘what advice would i give myself
if i could step back 5 years ago and have
a chat with me?’

the answer came quick.
actually, lotsa answers came.

but then my man asked me –
‘would you have taken it?’

ha! is that a genius follow up question, or what?!

and no.
i don’t think i would have.

why not?

i keep thinking about that.
are we really not ready until we’re ready?

that’s what it’s feeling like to me.
and if that’s the case,
somehow that gave me a lot of space
to forgive myself a lot of my mistakes.

i thought that was so cool how those two
tied together for me somehow.

i don’t know if they would for anyone else.
maybe?
but for me they did.
so thought i’d toss it out here for you to play with.

June 10, 2020

a life not wasted…

it’s been on my mind –
how to live.
how to live a life not wasted.

i went out in my yard this morning
and chatted with my imaginary friends.
got some good insights.
things i plan to put into action.

but it was thru bone sigh arts that i got smacked
in the face with perspective and clarity.

i used to have a friend who told me that i had
a direct line to the universe.
that whenever i asked, i received.
i think that’s true for all of us.
and like most of us,
i forget all the time.
and when i search,
and forget to ask,
and get answered anyway,
i am always knocked over with marvel.
and my friend’s words echo thru my whole being.

how do you live a life not wasted?
something we could all benefit from asking.
we all have our own answers.
are we living them?

June 9, 2020

she matters

every time i write about
my inner child,
i honestly wonder how it took
me so many darn years
to even know she was there.

my gosh, i am sure i missed a thousand signals from her.

i am so sure of her presence now,
that i have zero doubt that she’s a big part of me.

so, yeah, great.
good.
glad you know that, terri.
now…you gonna keep that in mind?

not really.
i still miss a thousand signals.
i haven’t gotten the hang of always catching them yet.
but after feeling her presence last nite,
i am vowing to be more mindful.
again.
i figure sooner or later,
i’ll get this down?

so….last nite…
it was a really funny moment,
tho i honestly was scared at the time.
i was working where i thought i might be
disturbing spiders. and since we have some
serious spiders around here, i was taking it
as seriously as they are.

so when something bit me,
i did a bit of a freak out.
a pretty funny freak out.
and little terri was front and center with big eyes
saying she was scared and hollering about fangs!

i’m laughing as i type.
truly.
fangs!

all is well.
i’m thinking maybe an ant bit me!
for real.
i know.
we can all roll our eyes.
i was a LITTLE dramatic.
and while it makes a wonderfully funny story
that makes me laugh –
it also was a tremendous relief of some sort
to have that part of me so vocal and out and about.

and i noticed it.
i could just feel her so strongly.
AND! i noticed the feeling of relief in feeling her!

it was like she was in there wanting out,
and there was just no way she was getting my attention.
i believe i’ve been too lost in the heaviness
of everything right now.

and that’s not okay for me.
not healthy.
of course it’s heavy right now.
of course there’s sorrow and all that goes along with that.

but losing part of myself because of all that
isn’t what i want.

i want to learn to keep all of me thru all of life.

i am learning things.
slow, but sure.

and what i’ve got now is to make today a mindful day.
do some stuff to touch in on that part of me.
which…….is…..yeah…..PLAY.
it’s okay to play even when the world is weary and
horrified and sorrowful.
it’s okay to go play a little terri.
in fact, it’s more than okay,
the entire world could use that energy floating into
that atmosphere right now.

and today? as i type this?
there’s a really good feeling inside me.
like once again, i claimed myself.

it’s another one of those ‘over and over’ thangs,
and so over and over i’ll try.

cause she matters.

June 8, 2020

over and over

did someone say
‘over and over?!’

no darn kidding.

i took yesterday completely off.
well, i did a ton of yard work.
is that off?
yeah.
cause i didn’t feel i HAD to do any of it.
i did it because i was determined to spend
the whole day outside.

and i did just that.
i don’t think i ever did a seven hour stretch
of time out in my yard like that before.
i loved every moment of it.
i felt like a new person.

until i didn’t.

then i felt like a totally weary sad person.

and then i went out and saw a tiny piece of sunset
from my back yard along with the mystical glowing
of my plants in the twilight.

i held my hands together,
could feel the beat of my pulse.
and i was filled with magic.

until i wasn’t.

woke up from a night of very little sleep
in a not so great place.

until i remembered beauty.

and then i went and dug up some chicory
from the side of the road –

and was filled with delight.

so far that’s holding.
but you know how it goes,
by the time you read this,
i will have cycled about 15 more times.

over and over again.

i think it’s just like that right now.
and that’s okay.
maybe it’s even good.

because it’s practice for me.
reminding me to pay attention where i focus.

absolutely i’m okay with allowing whatever feelings
are inside me space –
but if a simple refocus is all that needs to be done,
then i definitely want to recalculate!

over and over again.
til maybe my focus will stick.
practice makes perfect.
okay, maybe not.
but practice brings awareness.

i’m in.

June 4, 2020

just call me breezy…

i had trouble sleeping last nite.
it was hot,
but that wasn’t the problem.
too much on my mind, i guess.

this morning i lay there and looked
out the window.
it was so darn still.
not a breeze to be found.

and i realized,
that’s what it felt like.
like there just wasn’t any air.
nothing was moving.
everything was stuck.

i got up and started cleaning while
i did some thinking.

and i realized,
there are times you just gotta make
what you need happen.

it’s up to you.
and right now, in my world,
i need a breeze.

so i gotta create that breeze.

i wasn’t sure how.
and then i saw a post my son did on facebook.
he was celebrating the victories of his students.
he was shouting out the neatness of their learning
and the joy of witnessing it all and being a part
of it all.

talk about a breath of fresh air.

and i saw him creating his own breeze.
living life the best he could.

and THAT is how i plan to make my day breezy today.
once again, i learn from my sons.

June 3, 2020

this seemed right…

i got to get out on a quick little walk today.
those are rare now,
and so precious.

i couldn’t get over how much my soul
just gulped up everything i saw –
the sky, the green, the flowers,
the white rose smell, the cattails,
and the trees….the trees…

i came back in to find the bone sigh arts
quote of the day. and it just fit perfect.
so i thought i would post it as my blog
and just leave it here for you.

‘showing itself strongly,
the mix of life whirled around her.
demanding her to see and accept.
so much so that even the flowers
looked different to her.
stooping to look closely
she tried to open to what she’d never understand.’