journal

musings and ponderings…

July 21, 2017

feeling seen

i’ve been thinking about
what it takes to feel seen.

yeah.
it always seems to come back to active listening.
which…i know,..
we hear all the time, yes?

thing is –
are we thinking about it?
is anybody really doing it?

a big problem we have with people we know
is that we put filters on what we see with them.
if we have seen them do something in the past –
operate in a certain way –
it’s so easy to just assume that’s ‘what they do.’
we stop allowing for their growth and put ’em in a box.
and that box becomes one big filter over our eyes.
and we filter what they’re saying thru this distorted lens.

and then i think we assume too quickly that we understand what
they’re saying. their point or their thought.
if we slowed that assumption down by no more than three seconds,
i bet we’d discover a lot that we’re missing.

and if we ask ‘do you mean this?’ or “am i getting what you mean here?’ –
that kinda thing –
i bet we’d change our understandings dramatically.

you may finish off your time with them with a ‘you’re so awesome’
or ‘i appreciate you so much’ or ‘i just love you’ –
which may only serve to alienate the person more if you’ve used your
filters on them and missed their points.

if we’re actively interested and listening,
we don’t have to even say a word about how much we care about that person –
we’re silently screaming it to them thru our attention.

of course, i’m all in favor of telling each other how much we matter to
each other. but if we want our words to hold weight, then we gotta back
them up with actually seeing the person we’re loving.

i always feel like this kinda thing is a good friday thought –
something to take into the weekend as we head into more time with
family and friends…

July 20, 2017

mulling…

i sat myself down
to figure life out.
what was it i wanted?
where did i want to end up?
what mattered?
that kinda thing.

i had been looking at people
who seemed to have everything,
and yet, in all honesty,
had nothing.

my first response to that was
that i didn’t want to have everything.
materially speaking.
but that didn’t make sense.
cause then i asked myself –
well, what do you want?
HALF of everything you might want materially?

i mean, what does that have to do with it, terri?
is there some magic line in the wealth of possessions
that marks good territory and bad?

yeah.
okay.
wrong focus.

so i knew it wasn’t about things.
and i knew it wasn’t about places.
and then i said…okay…it’s not even about feelings.
it’s not like i want to ‘be happy’ all the time.
cause what does that even mean?

so i got to thinking about choices.
and how many choices are in front of us every single day.
and how much clarity it took to see those choices.
and then how much strength it took to choose the
healthy, loving choices over the (many times) prettier or easier choice.

and i realized…that’s what i wanted.
the ability to see those choices and the strength to make
the healthy loving ones.

(loving ones are always gonna be healthy, if they’re real love –
but since i have a history of co-dependence and mistaking
things for love that aren’t love, i throw in the word ‘healthy’
as a reminder to myself.)

so, yeah, if that seems too obvious or something
to nod at and move on, stop and think about it.

cause it’s really really hard.

i thought of my last week that i had.
it was an odd week of a series of different buttons
of mine getting hit in a series of different days
with a series of different people.

it was hard.
stressful.
emotional.
and no, i didn’t come close to picking all the choices
that came to me based on the loving option.
i didn’t even see all the choices.
i just reacted.

and in looking at all that, i saw how complicated this is.
because not only do you have to include reacting,
you have to include self love,
and then…you’re also not operating solo. there’s other people involved.
it’s not like you have control over what the other person does.
and that throws in a ton of wrenches.

so, no, this is no easy thing.
it’s easy when life is easy.
it’s almost impossible for me when i’m stressed.

but that’s where the strength comes in, yes?

and i’m thinking – that if you really think about this,
and really apply it –
then it includes everything that matters.
and covers every situation you could be in.

and i think that THIS is what i want in life.
and that this answers all the other things.

i think.
this is a new thought.
from yesterday.
so i’m still mulling.
but i’m really really liking it.

and it can all kinda be summed up in something my son, noah, said
as i told him about this –

when you choose one thing, that very act in itself means you’re
not choosing the other. which one thing are you gonna choose?

July 19, 2017

cocooning….

it’s been a really really quiet
few days here.
i have hunkered down, quieted down,
snuggled in, hid myself, hung out
with the plants and have just
generally cocooned.

i thought it was just being overdone a bit
with people. but now i’m wondering…maybe
i really am kinda curled in because i need
to be. maybe something really does need to
be wrapped up quietly inside myself right now.

don’t know.

but i do know this – over the last few days,
while most of me has been quiet and slow,
this song has moved me close to overwhelmed more than once.

i had heard it a bit ago. months ago, i guess.
seen it on facebook.
liked it.

but you know…..there really is something about good speakers.
i was with my son who had a nice speaker and he put this on…..
and i just about couldn’t keep my head up.
it just knocked me over.

then when i went to find it to share,
i found this vid –
and the artistry of every part of this –
the lyrics, music, voice, video –
just inspirational art for me right now.
i just sat and soaked it in.

i love soakin’ in things that inspire.

and since i’ve been slow and quiet with not much to
really offer…..i thought THIS was a perfect offering.
click here to listen to disturbed doing ‘the sound of silence.’

July 18, 2017

good men

there are so many good men out there.
and i’ll be honest with ya –
sometimes i get flooded with stories
that involve really bad men,
that i forget the good ones
and actually have to stop myself
and concentrate on them.

i find that sad.

but! lovely that there are so many once i get
to thinking about it!

this month’s newsletter focuses on them.
if you’re not on our mailing list,
and would like to see it,
you can find it here!

come take a peek!

July 17, 2017

finding my ground…

taking today to be quiet
and just get grounded.

and no one speaks to my heart
and helps me find my ground
like mark nepo does.

this is a little bit from his book,
‘seven thousand ways to listen’ –

wanted to share….

“In my pain, I looked at my fellow patients surviving under their
invisible weights and at the soft and chiseled nurses tied to
removing those weights. In my pain, I realized that, indeed,
everyone is right – and everyone is hoping that the turned-over
card that God is holding on their behalf is an ace. But when
we are opened by suffering, a mix of humility and desperation
makes whatever card we hold glow so brightly that the faces of
Kings and Queens become our faces – and miraculously every face
holds everything. And whether we live or die, it becomes blessedly
clear that every one of us is a gift and every card an ace.’

i can’t read that without crying.
wow.
wanted to share…

July 14, 2017

it doesn’t take much to feel empowered!

so yesterday, i kinda walked smack
into a curve ball. i did okay with it,
but i can always tell how hard something
hits with how tired i get.
and yeah,
i was way tired when i went to bed.

this morning i woke up determined to grab
the things i wanted in life.

i didn’t realize it right away,
but i just wanted to get some feeling of power back.

and you know what? it didn’t take much!
a little cleaning out,
a few symbolic acts,
a little writing,
and i feel so much better!

i’ve worked hard enough and long enough to know
what’s healthy and what’s not. i know what i want
in my life and what i don’t, and i’m thrilled to say this –
i even believe in myself enough now to know i’m okay
and can handle curve balls.

ha!
go figure.

so. all that inner work we do? it really does help!
all the little things we can do to make ourselves feel better?
they really can work!

we really are okay.
just the way we are.
and i just wanted to remind you of that as we head into the weekend!

July 13, 2017

man i know it when i bump into it…

well, it’s a law of the universe –
walk around saying you want to polish your heart
and tie up as many lose strings as you can,
well, then, yeah…
the tarnished, frayed places will show right on up!

and, of course, one did this morning.
and i walked around talking to myself out loud,
alone in the house.

well, more like ranting to myself.
and yeah, sweet, peaceful terri was using the word
‘hate’ as she thought of someone.

hmmmm…..

i knew that meant something.
but i just wanted to feel the anger for a bit.
didn’t want to have to not hate.
just wanted to hate for a bit.
it felt important to let the feelings out.

but i knew, really, it wasn’t hate.
but i spit the word out more than once cause i needed to.

then i grabbed some books to look for some direction and wisdom.

i saw one word – ‘compassion’ – in the middle of a page.
didn’t even read what it said…just saw ‘compassion’
and was immediately reminded that it was prolly time for self compassion.

THE SECOND i thought of that….THE MOMENT that thought hit my brain,
the tears poured outta my eyes.

ahhhh…definitely on the right track.
man, do i know it when i bump into it sometimes.

what was hurting inside was immediately obvious,
and as soon as i could offer myself compassion, i felt like i could
breathe deeper.

and honest to pete, it just took a few moments before compassion towards
the person i was just spitting hate at seeped right on in.

breathing deeper, i browsed thru some pages from the books i pulled down.
found this quote –
and wanted to share…

‘Something we were withholding made us weak
Until we found out that it was ourselves.’
– Robert Frost

July 11, 2017

bucklin’ down…

i think it might be cause i’m gonna get married.
which is odd…
i mean, i’ve been with this guy for a long, long time.
getting married shouldn’t change things –
but….
i think because i’m actually going to do that,
something inside of me wants to kick in and get
some things straight inside that need straightening.
i want to bring the best me i can to that moment.

also, i think the realization that even if i’m lucky
and get to live a long life, there really isn’t THAT
much time left. that i don’t want to spend my entire
life not getting things straight that i really can
with some concentration.

so i’m bucklin’ down, baby.

and while i’m blessed beyond belief to have a partner
that is right there with me walkin’ next to me thru
any gunk that i need to go thru –

i know this is mine.

a little tidbit of wisdom i read years and years ago
is that a lotta times when you’re in a rough spot, you
gotta do the opposite of what you feel like doin’.

so if you’re down, you gotta go out and walk or exercise
to get moving – when you really just wanna sleep or laze
around.
or if you’re feeling like isolating you may just have to go
be with someone.
that kinda thing.

so i’m gonna work on opposites for a bit if i hit a rough place.
i think the big one for me will be if i feel like running
and hiding, i will go to someone i trust and sit there and be.

gonna work this. gonna work this. gonna work this.
and yeah, i know…..it’s a lifetime journey.
but i got three months before i officially offer my heart to
someone…..
and i just wanna polish that heart up as much as i can!

July 10, 2017

messages

after i made the ‘hope cards’ to sell,
i wanted another set of cards that just had
one word on them. so i made the ‘bits.’
and now, i use both sets together and pick a card
from each pack.

this morning two cards were stuck together in my bowl of bits.
i like to think that means something, so i pulled both cards out.
and then went to pull out a card from the hope card bowl.

this is what i got –

‘receive’
‘offer’
‘and she honored the holiness inside her.’

i thought that was a pretty awesome combination.

here’s how i took it –
receive the messages that come in,
and offer them both to your heart and to your world,
and the only way you can do this is by trusting the
holiness outside of you. and if you do this, you
are totally honoring the holiness inside you.

woe.
i really love that.

and in an effort to do just that, i want to let you know
that i got tangled this weekend in some stuff that ties
me in knots. some really negative inner voices that can
cut me to the core and leave me shaking.

monday mornings are a good time for me to explore me a little bit.
a time for me to think and sit and ask and listen.

what i got was a nice practical answer that i love –

‘look at what you’re struggling with with objective eyes.
eyes that can really see. your getting tied up in knots is a direct
result of looking at things thru the lens of wounds. that’s not
clear, real or honest. it not only serves no healthy purpose,
it’s false. look with eyes that are objective and you’ll be able to leave
the knots on the ground.’

the practical no-nonsense part of me really likes this.
lenses coming from wounds just don’t work, terri.
use some objective ones.
then figure it out.

yeah.
i like that.

i know it’s easier said than done.
and i know those voices in me won’t like this
and will fight it.

but i really do have a strong practical side.
i’m thinking that side may come in handy like never before.

wanted to offer what i received and honor the holiness all around.