and since they weren’t born that way, i’m sure their journey to mean was quite painful.
i rarely see mean. my life is full of a loving people. so when i do, it really stands out.
and what i find really interesting is that the inner child part of me reacts big time. wanting to be miles away from mean.
so it’s an interesting combination of things that get going inside of me. i try hard to remember the compassion, as i step way way way far outta the way.
the thing with mean people who want to be part of your life is they’ll make any problems your fault. and want you to stick around.
i can’t. i won’t. and sometimes, it’s all complicated enough that there is a moment or two of confusion.
and then i remember… i want to stand in the light of my gentle heart. and that’s no little thing to stand in. i have to watch where i’m putting my feet. there is no standing room in mean for me.
smiling. and loving the life i have built for myself. and how the older i get, the more i want of peace.
the quote/print above was our quote of the day today.
i spent the weekend trying to listen closer. or maybe, just trying to quiet more. maybe that’s a better way of saying it. as i have a lot of inner quieting to do before i even get to the listening stage.
and i think this is why… what this quote says – this would be why i want to do that. and so it meant a bit extra to me this morning. and it reminded me to keep going.
so i’m making a plan to finish as early as i can, and head outside and be out for as long as i can. because out there, i tend to quiet down.
it’s been on my mind – how to live. how to live a life not wasted.
i went out in my yard this morning and chatted with my imaginary friends. got some good insights. things i plan to put into action.
but it was thru bone sigh arts that i got smacked in the face with perspective and clarity.
i used to have a friend who told me that i had a direct line to the universe. that whenever i asked, i received. i think that’s true for all of us. and like most of us, i forget all the time. and when i search, and forget to ask, and get answered anyway, i am always knocked over with marvel. and my friend’s words echo thru my whole being.
how do you live a life not wasted? something we could all benefit from asking. we all have our own answers. are we living them?
every time i write about my inner child, i honestly wonder how it took me so many darn years to even know she was there.
my gosh, i am sure i missed a thousand signals from her.
i am so sure of her presence now, that i have zero doubt that she’s a big part of me.
so, yeah, great. good. glad you know that, terri. now…you gonna keep that in mind?
not really. i still miss a thousand signals. i haven’t gotten the hang of always catching them yet. but after feeling her presence last nite, i am vowing to be more mindful. again. i figure sooner or later, i’ll get this down?
so….last nite… it was a really funny moment, tho i honestly was scared at the time. i was working where i thought i might be disturbing spiders. and since we have some serious spiders around here, i was taking it as seriously as they are.
so when something bit me, i did a bit of a freak out. a pretty funny freak out. and little terri was front and center with big eyes saying she was scared and hollering about fangs!
i’m laughing as i type. truly. fangs!
all is well. i’m thinking maybe an ant bit me! for real. i know. we can all roll our eyes. i was a LITTLE dramatic. and while it makes a wonderfully funny story that makes me laugh – it also was a tremendous relief of some sort to have that part of me so vocal and out and about.
and i noticed it. i could just feel her so strongly. AND! i noticed the feeling of relief in feeling her!
it was like she was in there wanting out, and there was just no way she was getting my attention. i believe i’ve been too lost in the heaviness of everything right now.
and that’s not okay for me. not healthy. of course it’s heavy right now. of course there’s sorrow and all that goes along with that.
but losing part of myself because of all that isn’t what i want.
i want to learn to keep all of me thru all of life.
i am learning things. slow, but sure.
and what i’ve got now is to make today a mindful day. do some stuff to touch in on that part of me. which…….is…..yeah…..PLAY. it’s okay to play even when the world is weary and horrified and sorrowful. it’s okay to go play a little terri. in fact, it’s more than okay, the entire world could use that energy floating into that atmosphere right now.
and today? as i type this? there’s a really good feeling inside me. like once again, i claimed myself.
it’s another one of those ‘over and over’ thangs, and so over and over i’ll try.
i took yesterday completely off. well, i did a ton of yard work. is that off? yeah. cause i didn’t feel i HAD to do any of it. i did it because i was determined to spend the whole day outside.
and i did just that. i don’t think i ever did a seven hour stretch of time out in my yard like that before. i loved every moment of it. i felt like a new person.
until i didn’t.
then i felt like a totally weary sad person.
and then i went out and saw a tiny piece of sunset from my back yard along with the mystical glowing of my plants in the twilight.
i held my hands together, could feel the beat of my pulse. and i was filled with magic.
until i wasn’t.
woke up from a night of very little sleep in a not so great place.
until i remembered beauty.
and then i went and dug up some chicory from the side of the road –
and was filled with delight.
so far that’s holding. but you know how it goes, by the time you read this, i will have cycled about 15 more times.
over and over again.
i think it’s just like that right now. and that’s okay. maybe it’s even good.
because it’s practice for me. reminding me to pay attention where i focus.
absolutely i’m okay with allowing whatever feelings are inside me space – but if a simple refocus is all that needs to be done, then i definitely want to recalculate!
over and over again. til maybe my focus will stick. practice makes perfect. okay, maybe not. but practice brings awareness.
i had trouble sleeping last nite. it was hot, but that wasn’t the problem. too much on my mind, i guess.
this morning i lay there and looked out the window. it was so darn still. not a breeze to be found.
and i realized, that’s what it felt like. like there just wasn’t any air. nothing was moving. everything was stuck.
i got up and started cleaning while i did some thinking.
and i realized, there are times you just gotta make what you need happen.
it’s up to you. and right now, in my world, i need a breeze.
so i gotta create that breeze.
i wasn’t sure how. and then i saw a post my son did on facebook. he was celebrating the victories of his students. he was shouting out the neatness of their learning and the joy of witnessing it all and being a part of it all.
talk about a breath of fresh air.
and i saw him creating his own breeze. living life the best he could.
and THAT is how i plan to make my day breezy today. once again, i learn from my sons.
i got to get out on a quick little walk today. those are rare now, and so precious.
i couldn’t get over how much my soul just gulped up everything i saw – the sky, the green, the flowers, the white rose smell, the cattails, and the trees….the trees…
i came back in to find the bone sigh arts quote of the day. and it just fit perfect. so i thought i would post it as my blog and just leave it here for you.
‘showing itself strongly, the mix of life whirled around her. demanding her to see and accept. so much so that even the flowers looked different to her. stooping to look closely she tried to open to what she’d never understand.’
