journal

musings and ponderings…

May 21, 2019

still fuzzy yet exciting…

i think one of the most amazing
and discouraging things
about myself (ourselves)
is our ability to trick ourselves
without our even knowing it.

and ‘trick’ isn’t always the right word.
sometimes it’s ‘deceive’
or ‘blind’ or a million other words like those.

so when i stumble upon a way i’m doing that to myself,
i get totally tickled.

this happened yesterday.
and it’s all still fuzzy –
but i’m pretty darn excited anyway.

this is something i do to have some sense of control
when i’m feeling in shaky territory.

so, i think, how this is works is –
i find myself in a spot where i don’t feel comfortable.
so i go to my default setting –
playing the role i feel i’m ‘supposed’ to play,
and hiding who i am.

i could give you all the background reasons for feeling
i need to play certain roles – but that doesn’t really matter.
what matters is it used to be a way of life for me,
it was unhealthy, and i don’t need it anymore.
BUT it is my go-to when i feel uncomfortable in being me.
and it is the place i find some sense of control.
the more i can be who i perceive i am needed to be,
the more i can control the situation and make it all ‘okay.’

wow! how cool is that?!
well, not cool that i do this…..but way cool that i finally see it.

how i discovered it is i noticed stress in myself,
as well as some sorta ‘distance’ in myself.
where i had a hard time connecting to me.
so as i looked, i saw i kinda ‘left.’
and then as i looked more, i saw why/how.

and here’s the thing –
i WANT to get totally comfortable in being who i am
in every situation i am in.

as i type this, i shake my head.
how is it a woman who is 58 years old is still working on this?
and then i smile, cause i know i’m not the only one.

i think discovering this is huge.

and something i keep seeing over and over lately is that a lot of things
i want to adjust could be adjusted if i just slow down in my responses.
if i slow down, the responses don’t have to be reactions –
the can be genuine responses.

loving how all this is fitting together.
and thinking i need about 500 more years to get this all untangled.

May 20, 2019

talking to yourself…

i found something i love
in today’s entry in mark nepo’s
‘the book of awakening.’

i’m gonna type it here.
and you’ll think of people you love.
which is good…
but, then –
read it again.
and think about saying this to yourself.

‘The challenge, is to say to those we love,
“i am more than i have shown you and
more than you are willing to see.
let’s work our love and know each other more fully.”‘

isn’t that gorgeous?
and i love the idea of saying that and living that
with those we truly love.
yes. yes. yes. yes.

and then…i also love the idea of saying that and living that
with ourselves.
opening to honesty as much as we can with ourselves,
seeing what’s there – being WILLING to see –
knowing ourselves more fully.

yeah.
good stuff.
so much growth that we can open to…

May 16, 2019

celebrating!

it’s here!
my birthday has arrived!

and you know,
i’m thinking there REALLY should be a lot more celebrating
for everyone’s birthday!
because, truly, what better gift do you get than to be alive?

it’s just before 6:30 a.m. as i write this,
and i am already feeling like i have had a full day!
i woke at 4:00 too excited to sleep!
being out with the sky as it lit up this morning just filled
me with such gratitude. and it’s gone on from there.

we have the most gigantic gift of all right here.
our lives.
let’s celebrate them today!

i’ve got a birthday newsletter that has a birthday podcast in it!
ha!
want to see?
you can find it here.

toasting life with you today!


May 14, 2019

knock it apart!

i gotta say,
i really do love being around this guy energy that i’m around.
well, mostly.

i find myself saying things like –
‘go crush it!’
or smiling when a car roars by showing off.
things i really wouldn’t do without these guys of mine influencing my life.

so i noticed something this weekend.
that i don’t think i would have noticed before.

it was at a farm.
on one of their outbuildings that holds tractors and stuff.
the walls were cinder block walls.
and at the entrance, they had knocked out a few of the pieces of blocks at a certain spot. to me, it looked like they wanted to have room for something to go thru there. like maybe one of the things they pull with the tractors had a long sideways boom kinda thing they’d need to pull in and out.

now, of course, i don’t know.
but that’s what i’m goin’ with.
cause i sat there and looked at it and loved it.
and thought – yeah! if something’s blocking the way, knock it apart!

knock it apart!

and i got to thinking about obstacles in life.
and i smiled.
seems a pretty good strategy –
KNOCK ‘EM APART!

today is a gorgeous day here. honestly, couldn’t be any prettier.
it’s cool, breezy, the sky is to die for.
i finally got caught up on my sleep.
and i’m just grabbin’ the day.
problems get in my way today?
well, by golly i’m gonna do what i am now calling ‘the cinder block method’
and knock ’em apart!

ha! yes!
it’s that kinda day today!





May 13, 2019

appreciating your home, your life…

while driving with the man this weekend,
we drove thru a beautiful area –
lovely homes in beautiful settings.

every time i see an especially gorgeous home,
i think ‘i really hope they know what they’ve got there.’

and sure enough,
that thought went thru my head again as i we drove past a place of wow.

the idea of someone having all that and not appreciating it just gets to me.

in a flash,
i turned the thought on myself –
‘i really hope you know what you’ve got here, girl.’

in my home, yes.
but bigger than that too –
in my whole life.

‘i really hope you know what you’ve got.’
and for that moment, i just stopped and held it.
i knew.

it’s birthday week here for me.
and the gift of my life is big on my brain.

the focusing on the things that are missing or lacking is all too easy to do.
the seeing the gift that our life is takes more awareness, more focus.
at least, for me it does.

my gift is so huge.
i don’t know why it is i forget that sometimes.
but driving by those lovely homes this weekend brought me to the awareness that i so want to keep.

appreciating what we have –
yeah.
such an important thing to do.
something i’m filled with today.
which feels perfect as i head into birthday week.


May 10, 2019

mother’s day

ahhhhh i happen to know,
there’s a lotta people out there
who really don’t like mother’s day!

you one of ’em?
well, you’re not alone by a long shot.
in fact, a whole lotta holidays REALLY
need some revamping, don’t they?!

i wish it was called ‘nurturers day’ –
wouldn’t that be cool?!
it would be so much better.
i’d like to take a moment and honor ALL nurturers here!
the world needs you so much.
thank you for all that you give.
you definitely make the world a better place!

and for those who feel they lacked a nurturing mom,
and are feeling sad about it…
i wanted to pop up a reminder that we have the power
to mother ourselves now. and that’s such an important power.

in fact, i think that all of us should hold it as an intention this weekend.
no matter what your upbringing was.
EVERYONE can mother themselves!

offering ourselves nurturing and love is always a good thing.
and what better weekend to concentrate on that?!

let’s turn this weekend around and make it a beautiful one for ourselves!

happy mother’s day to every single of us!

mothering herself



May 9, 2019

struggling? here’s a thought…

it’s been interesting around here lately.
lotsa stories.
all in a row.

but seein’ as how they’re about more than just me,
i gotta just leave it all vague.

here’s the thing though –
there are moments when i get to see how lucky i am.
you know…where it’s so darn obvious that you can’t
be distracted by all the things life distracts you with.
and you just see it.

i had one of those moments this morning.

and the beauty of my life now just took my breath away.

and i see that i wouldn’t be here,
in this incredible spot,
if it wasn’t for the dark stuff
that i went thru all those years ago.
divorce, yes.
and all kindsa hard stuff that came with it.

it’s not just that i’m past that now and have a different life –
it’s more than that.
it’s that the struggle itself,
the darkness,
the finding my way,
the emotions that fueled the deep drive to find healthy,
the loss and the grief, and the recovery process –
all the muscles that have been formed along the way,
all the work that has been done –

there’s a pay off.

there. is. a. pay. off.

wow.

and i’m living the pay off.
and i know better than to just sit back and say i’m done.
i know to continue onward with awareness and willingness
to work and to grow.

this morning i want to take a moment and honor the pay off.
shout out loud my gratitude.
cry as i type with awe of how lucky i am.

and remind anyone who is in their darkness right now –
keep going.
struggle. work. cry. fumble. get up. do it again.
there is a pay off.
there is such beauty in making it through and rebuilding.
and finding yourself.
and being surrounded by those who not only allow who you are,
but who encourage you and celebrate you.

what a feeling to hold this birthday month.


May 8, 2019

mother’s day coming up…

i have been getting sentimental all week,
thinking about when my guys were boys.

i think one of the coolest gifts i could ever get
has been given to me this week by josh.
just watchin’ a few things goin’ on in his life
where i get to really see him be a man.

wow, huh?!

where you really see it.
and you know your work is done.
and you get to watch something amazing goin’ on.

sure, this stuff goes on with all of them constantly.
it’s just it’s with mother’s day comin’ up and all,
and the particular things that are goin’ on –
well it’s all coming together so beautifully.

last nite i got to watch him and my husband together.
and i just felt like i was given the best gift ever.

a whole lotta times i think of the little boys that i miss.
this week i am over and over again reminded of the men
i get to watch.

life.
it can be such a glorious thing!