journal

musings and ponderings…

January 16, 2019

it’s possible…

a couple of days ago,
i had a moment where i felt trust so deeply,
that it was actually overwhelming.
in a good way.

it was completely unexpected.
and felt so darn beautiful.

of course,
it was a moment.
days ago.

i’m still feeling like i have my feet
more in trust than fear.
but that moment – ohmygosh,
every single cell of mine was in trust.

i keep thinking of it.
i don’t think there was any particular reason
the moment happened. i mean, i had turned to trust, yes.
but why that moment then? i have no idea.

but what i’m thinking about today is that moment
is possible to have over and over again.

i can’t ‘make’ it happen, but i can certainly
be aware and open to it. ya know?
and truth is, i never really visualize living
a life THAT full of trust! my gosh!
and why not?!
it starts with a moment.
and moves on from there.
it’s possible.

so then what happens?

the quote of the day comes thru.
i read it and my whole being smiled.

“with the releasing and allowing comes a space.
a space of possibilities.
a space where magic is born.
refrain from holding,
from guiding,
from controlling.
you cannot grasp it.
open to it and surrender to it –
and let it dance thru your very being.”

January 15, 2019

it just sneaks up…

yesterday i wrote about finally seeing
something i needed to see –
that i just had to stop waiting for things to change,
and find the balance in the way things are now.

that’s one of those obvious things that
i woulda figured i knew.

actually, i know i know.

it’s like when you watch someone change job after job
after job after job –
you kinda wonder when are they gonna figure out
that there’s something inside them that needs tending.
it’s not that the answer is a new job.

or any of those kinda scenarios.

it’s rarely ‘when this happens, then i will be happy.’

i know that.
you know that.

so how did i fall into that?
i was saying ‘when this balances out, i will balance out.’

yeah.
c’mon terri.
you know better.

in thinking about it, i saw stuff that i just figured was
going to change.
and-
change for the ‘better.’

well, i’m sure it’s changing,
cause everything does.
but certainly not on my timetable.
and certainly not like the script that i had written.
that’s life.

and i had totally forgotten that.
i was just certain i knew.
and so i was in the ‘just hang in there’ mindset.

and hanging in there is just that –
gripping tightly, holding your breath, not moving.

oh terri.
i never even saw it happening.

this whole self awareness stuff is tough, isn’t it?
sometimes i think i’m good at it,
sometimes i’m so blind it makes me just shake my head.

thought the sneaking up idea is an important one.
so i wanted to share.
hard to pay attention to,
and yet so worth trying.

January 14, 2019

finding the balance in the unbalanced…

and finally,
there came the tipping point –
and that tipping point was from –
of all places –
a comment from my dentist!

where i finally finally saw what needed to be seen –
and i tipped right into a place of understanding.

understanding that i had been spending my time waiting
for the unbalanced in my life to balance out.
and thinking THEN i, myself, will get balanced.

rolling my eyes here.

no.
it doesn’t work that way, does it?
and i realized that i need to find balance in the unbalanced.

immediately, i felt relief.

after mulling that over all day in my head,
i had a remarkable dream that told me that while i have
waited for things to balance out,
i have let my biggest fears move back inside me
and set up house.

and in that dream, i turned and chose the life i wanted –
even tho it looked different than i had imagined,
and i turned my back on the fears, telling them to leave.

i now have a visual of myself standing on my balance board
working on balancing over and over again.
(and yes, i actually have a balance board at my standing desk
that says ‘find your balance’ right across it!)

and life feels quite different today.
in such a good way.

and mixed in the balance lesson, is also a gratitude lesson.
not everyone gets to have a dentist who feels like a friend
who offers wisdom in a quiet, easy way.
i have such gifts in my life, all around me.
and this morning as i type this,
the gratitude for those gifts is great.

i think keeping my eyes on that gratitude will also help
me on my balance board.

way cool stuff.

January 11, 2019

oh man….oh mark…

it’s january!
and the perfect time to grab this book
if you don’t already have it!

i have to admit, i have had it around for
a long time, and it wasn’t until the end
of last year that i really got into it.
so starting the year off with it has me
all tickled!

it’s mark nepo’s ‘the book of awakening.’

there’s a short reading for every day of the year.
i loved doing it when i finally started,
and i think that it’s a book i can just do this with forever.
i don’t think these entries are going to get old,
and i have a feeling new things will pop out at me
on different years.

today there was a line that totally grabbed me.
and i love leaving things on friday to take into the weekend.
this seemed perfect –

so…from mister mark nepo –

‘The courage to hear and embody opens us to a startling secret,
that the best chance to be whole is to love whatever gets in the way,
until it ceases to be an obstacle.’

okay, i think i gotta print that one out.

wow.

January 10, 2019

see the gift.

oh terri.
the universe is gonna make you
put your money where your mouth is, girl.

driving today.
a memory pops into my head.
i’m astonished.
i had never really seen it clearly before.
it leads to another astonishing ‘seeing’
of another past moment that i also never
quite saw before.

which all leads to this incredible moment of understanding.
and seeing something as a gift for the first time ever.

as i walked into the building,
pulling the door open into the wind,
i thought ‘SEE THE GIFT.’
don’t find it.
SEE it.

maybe find it and then see it.
cause you can’t see it without finding it.

but see it.

within two hours i was struggling with something that
i find very very very difficult.

driving again.

crumbling.

wanting to hide and just have the world go away.

and i heard a voice.

‘SEE the gift.’

shaking my head at the universe.

sometimes i feel like it likes to teach me until i really
get the lesson sunk into my bones.

see the gift in the struggles.
because it’s there.
and we need to see everything.
not just the struggle part.

yeah.
right.
i know.
i’m not so good at it.
but i’m workin’ on it.

January 9, 2019

offering light, offering love…

yesterday i wrote about offering light.
and keeping that in mind as much as i can.
and well, doing it.
you know, fighting my way thru the laziness.

and then, as it turned out,
i ended up working a lot on valentine’s day stuff.

i know it’s early – but if you’re actually supplying valentines –
it’s not early at all.
every year i kinda get hit by a bulldozer to wake me up
and go ‘oh yeah! love stuff!’

it wasn’t too long ago (a couple months tops)
that i was walking thru the store and something reminded me
of valentine’s day.

i felt really discouraged.
somehow i thought i could change valentine’s day into a good
holiday for people.
yeah, that was a little bit of a big goal, huh?!
and yeah, i haven’t been able to do it.
no surprise there.

but yesterday, i didn’t feel that discouragement.
i got excited all over again.

valentine’s day is a holiday that actually honors love.
i think that is the coolest thing.

i know people get hung up in the whole romantic part of it.
and i’m pretty sure i’m not gonna be able to unhook them
from that. i see that now. too big a goal. 🙂

but! spreading love and reminders to love ourselves and
cherish those in our worlds is not too big a goal.

to stay the course takes some effort.
some digging past laziness.
same stuff as offering light.

love and light – i guess they’re the same thing.
different names for the same thing.

this morning i really really want to try again.
to spread love and celebrate february as love month.
i know it’s just one day.
but one day can’t hold it all.
and no, one month can’t either –
but it’s a start.

there are so many good things to focus on and offer.
i feel like my head – and heart – are finally back in the game.

picture this – you’re on your last day here on the planet
and someone comes up to you and asks you what you did with your life
and you answer – ‘i offered love.’

ohmygosh. that visual actually brings tears to my eyes.

let’s offer love.
let’s celebrate love.

January 8, 2019

light

i stood at my living room window this morning,
looking out at a beautiful sky.
honestly, sometimes i just can’t get over
the beauty all around us.

‘how can the world be so darn beautiful
and so darn ugly all at the same time?’ i wondered.

i had read a particularly ugly and disturbing story earlier,
and to stand there in front of this beauty after that –
well, it really kinda made my heart spin.

i looked at the light outside.
thinking about how much light matters and how the world
needs more of it, i was filled again with wanting to offer
light in my own world.

not in some big way.
but in all those little ways that are actually hard to do
because i have to keep them in mind, and i have to reach
beyond my own laziness and they’re so small, there isn’t
any recognition for them. the only one who knows is me.

it’s hard to keep in mind. it’s hard to do.
but when i can, it makes such a difference for me.

i want to keep it in mind more.
and i wanted to offer a reminder for anyone else who does as well.

it matters.
we just gotta keep at it.

and when we get low and unsure,
we can stand with the beauty of the world
and get filled up again. i love that part.

January 7, 2019

not okay anymore

i came across some old photos
of myself this weekend.
different ages –
all above 20 years old.

what struck me was how thin i was.
and how fat i felt.

i sat there staring at them just stunned.

how could i possibly have thought i was fat?

well, actually, i know how.
and the how has to do with other people.
and my believing them.

so my first reaction was anger at myself.
‘how COULD you believe that garbage and take it in
and not see at all?!’
but i’m pleased to say, i answered that with self compassion.
cause i was where i was and i was who i was.
and there were reasons for all of it.
and it’s all part of the road we travel.

okay.
i can understand that.
sure, there’s some sadness in it all for me.
but a whole lot of understanding as well.
and self compassion for sure.

here’s the cool part –
(well, the coolER part, cause that self compassion
part is pretty cool too!) –
this terri doesn’t have to do/believe/think the way that terri did.

i’ve come a long way baby.
and i have the strength to not only look,
but to see now.
(and no, i’m not just talking about my body image)

i am just recently coming out of a major funk.
a knocked me over and sent me spiraling time here.
the biggest lesson i got out of the whole deal
is how important it is to see clearly.
and i am bound and determined to do so.
in some cases it’s going to take some work.
but i’ve got the drive,
and i’m here rarin’ to go.
it is something i want to work at for the rest of my life.

looking at these pictures i saw how totally wrong i saw myself.
and that’s not okay any more.

i not only need to really see all those around me,
i have GOT to see me as well.
it honestly feels like the key to a healthy life.

i’m keeping these photos out as reminders.

it’s not about what anyone tells us,
or what we’ve been taught to believe.
it’s up to us to look, see and accept what is real.

and i can’t believe how easy it is to NOT do this.

i have a feeling it’s gonna be one heck of a year ahead.

January 4, 2019

to take into the weekend…

got this from mister mark nepo…

i really liked it.
thought it was a nice thing to take into the weekend –

‘…believing is not a conclusion, but a way into the vitality
that waits for everything.’

jiminy crickets.

January 3, 2019

that darn quote…

i posted a quote here some months back.
maybe around september or october.
this is one i actually printed out and
put at BOTH my desk and at the kitchen sink.

……….
“The problem’s not that the truth is harsh but that
liberation from ignorance is as painful as being born.

Run after truth until you’re breathless.

Accept the pain involved in re-creating yourself afresh.

These ideas will take a life to comprehend,
a hard one interspersed with drunken moments.”
-Naguib Mahfouz {Palace of Desire}

…….

shoot, he’s not kiddin’.

it is SUCH a good quote for me.

i think one of the many things that happened to me
as i went thru my divorce all those years ago,
was that the understanding that one needed to constantly
keep an eye on their life and tweak how they’re living
got burned into my soul.

like really burned in there.
like 4th degree burned.

a friend mentioned today that i’ve been like that ever since
she’s known me. i pointed out she has only known me post-divorce.

and then i realized –
i have always been open to the tweaking and trying to improve –
pre-divorce as well as post.
but it’s the SEEING part that i haven’t excelled at ever.
and i don’t even think i THOUGHT about much pre-divorce.

but ever since –
my gosh –
i know how much it matters.
i definitely think about it.

and yet, i still am not good at it.
which is probably why i have this quote in
TWO prominent places in my house.

it’s in the seeing, terri.
it’s in the seeing.

which somehow i’ve sensed for a long long time.

i get notified a day ahead of what the next day’s
quote of the day will be. tomorrow’s quote came
thru this morning.

ready?

‘for clarity of sight – to see herself and her intentions –
for this she prayed.’

wrote that about 18 years ago.

still praying…