journal

musings and ponderings…

March 11, 2020

machinery, trees and men

i love my trees.
and i always hate to see one cut down.

but even *i* knew this one had to go.
planted in one of the worst possible places,
it was dying and dangerous.

thankfully, our power company cut it for us.
i wasn’t sure how we’d survive cutting it on our own.
the power lines were right there with it.

i went out to watch them and to say goodbye.

i couldn’t get over the huge truck they pulled up
RIGHT OUTSIDE my living room window.
the tree wasn’t that big…but it was tall and this
was what they used.

i watched the guy go up in the cherry picker basket
after telling me i couldn’t join him.
once his crew mate on the ground started telling me
about the power lines and the truck tires melting before,
i was really okay with the decision.

i watched the whole thing,
ending with the mulching of the branches.

my gosh,
nothing was little.
everything roared and grinded and chopped.

as i watched the mulcher chew up branches with ease,
i thought about men – and women – who build these things.
how they’re so solid and big and powerful.
subtle and small is not in the designs.

but yeah, i could see they got the job done.

i was mixed with stuff watching – impressed, amazed, astonished,
and yeah, a little horrified.

horrified that it is so easy to demolish a tree.

i thought of up the road.
they’ve restarted construction that they had put off for a few years.

the incredible speed that they have cleared the place out has turned my stomach.

i would kinda doubt that there’s any pause to honor the trees as they
move along thru their jobs.

so, while the crew was cleaning up,
i went over and put my hand on a hunk of fallen tree.
thanked it and said goodbye.

one of the crew guys was watching.
i think he was worried i didn’t like something.
he asked if everything was good.
we had a bit of a language barrier.
and i wondered if i could in anyway explain.
i thought not.

though now, after they’re gone,
i wish i had asked them if they ever felt sad about all the cutting.

if there’s a next time, i certainly will.
for now, i’m doin’ a little honoring of my tree
and feeling grateful for both it, and the crew that helped us today.

March 10, 2020

paying attention

i made sure i got out to see
the moon this morning.

and there she was,
waiting for me.

and she was soft.
so soft.
wrapped in clouds.
not enough to block her view,
but enough to soften her light
and make her feel really gentle.
in fact, the whole sky felt gentle.

which, as it turns out, is exactly what i needed.

something that seems to be nudging me lately
is the idea of staying open and aware
and finding all the help and support and guidance
that is around me – in all the different forms.

it’s been a long time since i’ve done that kinda thing.
and it feels like that way of life is waking up inside me
once again. and it feels good.

i thought of that as i walked and breathed in the outside.
it felt so soothing. and so needed.

sometimes my very male world isn’t as soft as i need.

but there – right outisde – right up in the sky –
waiting for me –
is the gentle soothing i craved.

pretty darn cool.
feelin’ very grateful here.

March 9, 2020

the moon…

wow.
what a weekend.
it was bathroom renovation time.

and while i was just a gopher and a cook,
it totally wiped me out.

i slept a little late this morning,
tho, with the time change,
it was still dark when i got up.

i had no intention of a walk as i was late
and there was so much to do.

but when i sat down at my desk,
i saw her.

the stunning full moon.
bam.
right outside my window.

getting lower in the sky and giving me the raised eyebrow.
kinda like ‘really, terri? you’re gonna skip a visit cause
you’re busy and tired? really, terri?! i’m going to be gone soon.’

ahhhh okay……..
i mean………really.
how could i not pay attention?!

i ran outside for a quick walk just to visit her!

and it’s incredible –
actually a bit boggling –
how much just walkin’ a little bit with that beauty
can just soothe an exhausted soul.

i wonder why i am always surprised
that outside is exactly what i need when i’m spent.

and i wonder when i’m gonna get this enough
that i not only stop taking it off my priority list,
but move it right up to the top of that list!

thought i’d pop this out there for anyone else
who needed reminding.

outside.
it soothes.
and it matters.

March 6, 2020

just realized…

the phrase in my family these days
is ‘leveling up.’

and there’s a lotta talk about what we’re doin’
to level up as we go along.

this group is testosterone filled,
so it makes a lotta sense.

so, yeah, i hear about gym workouts and that
kinda thing. but it can include things like watching
less news and more things that teach and inspire.

just stuff to bring you up in any way.

and it’s so nice to have this group egg me on!

for some odd reason, i have been physically working on it
for awhile now. i think old age scared me? not sure.
but i have really been aware of the physical.
and it’s been a gradual leveling up with eating and exercising.

i’ve mentioned it here before how one thing led to another
and each in such a natural, gradual way that they have
become life styles instead of chores.

i love that.

well, i just realized that i am now turning to my…oh….what
shall we call it???…..my attitude realm? my outside actions?
my way of living in the world?

something like that.

and it seems to be the same kinda thing happening.

one idea will take hold and i’ll work on it. and then that will
grow yet another idea.

yes, i have been workin’ on this stuff for years.
but there’s something different going on right now.
and it feels very similar to what was happening with the physical stuff.

i just made myself a little list for my pocket that i want to carry
with me every day. and when i’m struggling or confused or just
want to redirect my focusing, i’m going to pull it out and focus there.

this weekend will be perfect!
it’s chaos here with a bathroom update and lots of construction happening.
something that generally stresses me out.
ha! i am so ready to try this out – i’m just like – ‘bring it! i got this!’
and that absolutely tickles me.

leveling up.
constantly.
(in a joyous positive way)
what a great concept.

March 4, 2020

kinda odd but in a good way

so i’ve been thinking about
that question that i blogged about
a couple days ago –

which i happened to look up
as i wanted to get the wording just right –
and it is different than i thought –
but just as wonderful, if not more so –

“How can I use my time to make things better
instead of worse?”

yeah.
good one, huh?

this morning i was a little stuck on a specific.
this is my 4th or 5th day with this on my mind,
and i just wasn’t sure what i wanted to focus on.

and in the most wonderful fashion, the answer ‘laugh’
came right straight into my heart.

(which totally tickles the part of me that has been working
on listening more to myself! this whole listening stuff really
does work wonders!)

‘laugh more.’

and while i think that’s a little odd,
already in my small world,
i have seen it add goodness.

it’s like a double whammy –
no, like a triple whammy!
there’s the first whammy of the act of listening
and following what i hear.
there’s the second whammy of adding touches of joy
around me.
and then there’s the third whammy of adding joy
to my own heart.

yeah, okay. this is making things better instead of worse.

how fun!

March 2, 2020

questions that guide…

intention.
self responsibility.
being present.
honesty.
seeing clearly.
gratitude.

all these things have been very much on my mind.

so when i ran across the question –
‘what can i do today to add to the beauty of the world?’
i held it and took it to heart.

i woke yesterday morning with that on my mind.
and i considered it in my actions all thru the day.

and i gotta say, it had one heck of an impact.

on my surroundings, certainly.
on me, more than i could have guessed.

and then,
as i was winding down the day and finishing things up,
i stopped over on facebook.

wow.
ahem.
there were a few people there that had obviously NOT
been asking themselves that before they posted.
and what an impression it made on me after a day of
really trying to keep this in mind.

so – possibly because of that –
i have decided to try it again today.
i highly recommend it.

i try these things, love them, forget them, stop them,
then find them again.
over and over again.

i guess that’s okay.
one of these days they’re gonna stick with me
and become a way of life.

February 28, 2020

no words

i have thought all morning
about what it is i want to say
here today.

there’s so much.
and yet, i have no words.
i have been very quiet.
turned inward.
and the sky seems to be understanding
and speaking for me.

so that’s what i wanted to offer –
a reminder to sit with the sky.
be it right out underneath it,
or by a window,
or at a stop light in your car –

i hope you find some time to sit with the sky
and feel somehow understood.