journal

musings and ponderings…

May 26, 2017

a fleeting moment of grace…

so, okay, it was an odd moment.
even i know that.
but it was so cool,
i gotta share.

i got hurt.
not physically.
but emotionally.
pretty deep.
and definitely sucky.

it took a good conversation for me to see
that if i looked at it all from the other person’s perspective,
while still totally unhealthy,
it wasn’t anything to hurt me.
it was just that they weren’t healthy and this is what they did.

that was helpful because it moved me from hurt and sad
to just sad.
which was a big shift.

i headed into the shower.
and at one point the light on the end of the shower curtain liner
caught my eye.

yeah.
kinda odd.

it’s a clear plastic shower curtain liner.
and the edge of it was curled a bit,
and the actual shower curtain was open a tad
and somehow the light from the room bounced against
that edge and lit it up beautifully.
yeah.
a plastic shower curtain liner that needed cleaning
was lit up with an edge of light –
and when my eyes landed on it,
i thought of god.
i am not kidding.
i know.
odd.
and –
it made me think of my own inner light.

i had been showering thinking of the person who i felt so sad for.
she hurt others because she was so wounded.
and i realized how deeply she needed love.
and then i saw the light there
and thought about my heart.
and how i wanted to offer love.
in a healthy way for myself.
in a way that may not be noticed by anyone else.
but in the best way i could.
for real.

and i could feel it deep inside of me.
it wasn’t just a thought –
it filled me.
i knew what she needed more than anything was love.
and i knew i could offer some.
it was a moment of grace.

and then –
when i walked this morning,
that grace eluded me.
it was back to just a thought.
and the tearing up of my eyes made me realize i was back into feeling hurt.
i walked a bit, trying to get it beyond a thought again.
finally, i asked myself if i believe in myself.
i knew that if i did, this grace thing would come back.
i could somehow feel that my self doubt was blocking it.

i feel kinda in the middle of it all right now –
in between grace and self doubt.
in a place where confidence will stride in,
and then shakiness will tip it over.
a little back and forth.

and as i type, i realize that’s okay.
this is the place i learn in.
this is the place i grow in.
if it was just natural, i’d have this down and would be on to the next thing.
but it’s not. and it’s something i want to learn.

to have had the grace for a moment is really cool.
to know i am capable of it is really helpful.
tho i think the work for me today is to concentrate on believing in myself.
i think the rest will follow. but that’s what i gotta work on first.

and that in itself is kinda awesome as it totally shifts my focus.

it doesn’t matter if anyone else in the whole darn world sees your heart –
it’s up to us to see it for ourselves.
and believe in it.

over and over we get the chance to look.
and to believe.

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May 25, 2017

finding self love…

i was going thru my quotes
looking for something for a friend
when i came across this quote –

i probably shared it when i first wrote it.
but my memory is shot.
and sometimes that’s kinda fun,
cause when i read some of these it’s like
it’s the first time ever.

for those of us who need to love ourselves –
this one’s for you – for us –

…..

Making knives of their words,
she cut herself over and over again.
Using a club of self doubt, she beat herself
until her beauty fell to the floor.
Not being able to stop the blows,
she watched her own destruction with horror.

Finally she could wound no more.
She turned and walked away –
leaving the heap of herself lying there.

It wasn’t until she came back,
lay down on the floor next to herself,
held herself gently,
washed her bruises and blood with tears
that she could feel herself even wanting to open her eyes again.

I’m so sorry, she whispered thru her sobs.
I’m so sorry to do this to you.
How could I have done this too?
Hanging her head in shame,
she felt a touch on her face.
Reaching up from laying in her own lap,
She stroked her face gently and whispered for her to hush.
That all they had was themselves.
and it was time to drop the shame
and to love each other for all they were
and to never let each other go.

……………

herself

 

May 24, 2017

sharing a fb post

shared this over on facebook today.
wanted to put it here too.
i think it’s a great reminder for every
single one of us.
we all have struggles with something.
some of us can be glad they’re not this big.
others can feel less alone.
and all of us can be reminded to keep on trying!

>>>>>>>

a year and a half ago, my buddy, les, had a stroke.
he’s been workin’ so darn hard ever since to regain his mobility.
he’s a musician. guitar was such a huge part of his life.
he’s not sure he’ll ever get that back. but he keeps workin’ on it.
and is now looking at a keyboard with new interest.
i’ve watched the man’s identity get taken away from him.
i’ve watched him struggle to walk again, and i watch him
every day work hard to make his life what he wants.
to say he’s an inspiration to me is an understatement.

he posted this today.
it was something he had written at the six month mark for him.
it came up as a fb memory and he shared it.
i wanted to share it here to help us all think about our
challenges we have in front of us.

and i want to thank les for sharing his journey with us
and for offering such bravery over and over again.
sometimes i think how close we came to losing him,
and the gratitude just fills me that he’s still here.
AND he’s here inspiriting the daylights outta me!

>>>>>>>>>>

from les –

May 23, 2016. Six months to the day since the stroke. Well, since the big one. In the prior 5 days I had two mini-strokes. Practice strokes.

Yesterday I attended a Writer’s Center Board of Directors meeting for the first time in over 6 months. Walked in (on my own, but still not pretty), and participated in the 2 hour meeting.

My goal had been to be up for attending the Maryland Entertainment Hall of Fame ceremony (invitation thanks to Richard Shelton). I was inducted last year and invited to yesterday’s ceremony. I didn’t reach that goal.

There’s a point here. It is things like attending the MEHOF that help inspire. Even though I didn’t reach that goal it was the trying for that that DID get me to the Writer’s Center. Progress is the point….and being grateful for it and any inspiration that drives it.

Don’t get me wrong. A stroke is a royal pain in the butt. I’m often asked what have been the most important lessons learned. There are many, but one that comes to me most days is…. choice. You make a choice to fight like hell or throw in the towel. If you make the pity party choice….that’s all you’ll achieve.

See you at a gig.

May 23, 2017

do we let go or does it let go?

so in this big dream i had,
the past let go of me.
didn’t want me anymore.
which was an awesome thing for me.
and i was pleased.

but i’m puzzled by it all –
wouldn’t you think in healing that
YOU would let go of your past.
not that your PAST would let go of you?

i asked my girlfriend i was having coffee with
that very question this morning.
the past letting go made sense to her.
so i’m thinking sooner or later it’ll make sense to me as well.

for now, i’m just tickled.

and was thinking –
maybe it’s the highest compliment ever to
change so much that your past can’t deal with you anymore!

sitting with this shift with deep amazement and gratitude.

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May 22, 2017

and the door closed…and her world opened…

from the moment i woke up from the dream,
i knew something powerful had just happened.

i got up, all alone in the house,
walking around whispering out loud ‘could it really be?’
‘is it over?’ ‘did it just end?!’

and then kinda an astonished – ‘i’m free!’

a recurring dream i had for fifteen years just had
what felt like its finale.
and with it – a door that so needed to close, felt closed.

i’ve had this before with a couple of other dreams.
the other dreams progressed…kinda made their way to a finish.
taking years to do so.
and when they finished, they never came back.

that’s exactly what this felt like.
only out of all of the dreams, this is the one i want to finish.

in looking at why now,
why this morning?
it actually seemed logical to me that it would happen.
there was a whirling combination of things that happened this weekend
that had fifteen years of work behind them.

i nodded.
yeah.
it really is time.
i really may have made it here.

i guess you never know until some time passes and you can watch.
but it sure feels right.

tears leaked outta my eyes the entire morning this morning.
and now i’m tired.
and oh so happy.
and excited.
and ready.
yeah.
i’m ready to see what comes next.

and it makes me think of the image i made last week.
will post it here, because, my gosh, does it ever fit!
celebrating the process –
oh……so celebrating!

 

trust the process

May 19, 2017

transitioning into me

i don’t even know how to describe this.
bear with me?
read between the lines,
allow for gaps,
and see if any of this makes sense?

being a mom was a huge huge part of my life.
it really took a ton of focus and learning and giving.
the guys were always on my mind and what i needed
to do in relation to them was a constant pondering.
then everyone grew up.
and while it wasn’t bam! one day they grew up,
it kinda felt that way to me.

so then i spent a few years trying to understand that
and how i was sposed to be with them.
how do i work in relation to them now?
i did a whole lotta dropping the ball and doing things wrong,
and learning learning learning.

without really realizing it was happening,
i think i got to a place where i understood the dynamics more
and can navigate better now. (and yeah, it took long enough!)
and i think, somehow, in getting better with that,
the natural letting go that happens on the upper levels,
has now happened deeper.

it was like before i knew i had to let go,
so i forced myself to let go.
and now – there’s no forcing….it just is.

i feel like i gotta put a disclaimer in here – you know i don’t have
this all down and i’m not perfect by any means. but i do feel like
i’ve gotten good with what i’ve needed to get good with. and i wasn’t
sure i ever would.

and getting good with it brings something i wasn’t expecting –

me.

my gosh.
it opens the door wide open to me.

and again, i ‘knew’ this was going on in the way your brain knows,
but your bones don’t have it yet. so there was always a piece missing.
the bone piece. the deep piece. and you feel that when that’s missing.

but now, guys……now……..i think my bones are getting this.

and i am so comfortable and happy with this that i’m a little bit stunned.

and! i’m thinking ‘why on earth don’t i know to expect this stuff??!! why
don’t i remember over and over again that these things are all processes –
and i need to trust the process?!!’

yeah, well….maybe the forgetting over and over is all a process too.

don’t know.

all i know is that i feel good.
feel like i’ve arrived somewhere i was kicking and screaming about going to
and i’ve found it quite lovely and i’d like to stay for a bit.

and i’m reminded again – in such a beautiful way –

trust the process, terri. just keep trusting the process.

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May 18, 2017

there it was

while i know there is something outside
that calls me and feels sacred,
i don’t always step into it.
i try to tune into it on my walks,
but sometimes i’m just too distracted
or tired or whatever.
i’ll still go out, cause there’s a part of me
that really understands the importance of
being out there –
but tuning in takes more than just part of me.

this morning i was distracted.
by what, i don’t know.
just lots of unimportant wandering thoughts.
when i got home, i decided i wanted to still be out a bit,
so i took a drink and some books and paper and stuff,
and went and sat in my yard.

i read a bit, wrote a bit, and thought a bit.
and then i looked down.
and i noticed it.
the energy in the green –
in the plant leaves and the grass.
it was so strong i wondered how i missed it at first.
i wondered how i didn’t feel it buzzing all over me.
i looked up and watched it in the leaves blowing in the breeze.

wow.
the energy that is so incredibly powerful
and so quiet.
right there with us all the time.

i slipped my flip flops off and put my feet in the grass.
and sat there and just felt the energy of the earth all around me.

how is it i don’t just buzz inside me the second i go outside?
well, maybe i do.
but i don’t notice.

i shook my head in wonder at how dense i can be sometimes.
and smiled that once in awhile, i really do see.
and when i do –
i just fall into something gorgeous.

 

fully seeing

May 17, 2017

a wonderfully beautiful normal moment

so, okay, it was no secret –
i celebrated my birthday yesterday.
and i had a ball!

as birthdays go – it was a fairly normal day
with a lot of fairly normal moments.

a ton of love was mixed in.
and some of the moments were tremendously special.

but the moment that stands out the most for me,
was a completely normal one.

i was out of coffee.
i had been out of it since the day before.
the day before i had stolen some from my guy’s stash,
but i like the flavored stuff.
he doesn’t.
and here it was – my special day –
and i didn’t want his coffee –
i wanted my own.

i decided to go up the road and combine dropping
off some orders at UPS and going to the grocery store
up near there to find my birthday coffee.

a regular ol’ errand.

dropping off the boxes turned into a treat when a really kind man
in the parking lot went outta his way to get the door for me.
he wasn’t even near the store, wasn’t goin’ that way, but offered
anyway.

i told him it was my birthday and he helped make me feel
like a birthday queen. we shared a laugh and he wished me
a happy birthday. i headed to the grocery store smiling.

the grocery store was fun as i wandered knowing i could
get anything i wanted for my special day.  i was delighted
to just be browsing for me.

and it was driving home from running those errands that
i had the moment.

driving down the highway, up a hill.
there was a beautiful view of the sky.
leaning back in my car, i noticed something –
i was completely comfortable with myself.
just completely comfortable.
with me.

there was no need to do anything but just be there.

and i realized, in that moment,
that i had finally learned that what i needed was inside me,
that it was up to me to make me happy,
and while others could add great delights to that happiness,
it was my relationship with me that really mattered.
and to mix that with genuine gratitude is an incredibly powerful combination.

and i was feeling that mix.

yeah, it’s taken me 56 years to get here.
and i’m okay with that.
i guess i needed a little time.

now…..i want to spend some time really practicing this.
cause it sure feels good.

thinking it’s gonna be a good year ahead…..

 

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May 16, 2017

on my birthday

celebrating being here includes
the all –

joy
struggle
laughter
frustration
hope
peace
turmoil
strength
frailty
illness
healing
support
dreaming
trying
being
my guys
the guys
those guys
the aches
the triumphs
the growth
trees
sky
god
delicious food
gunk
vrooms
silence
fear, agony and terror
knowing, magic and gratitude
remembering god
forgetting god
touching god
tragedy, loss
choices
beauty, grace
friends – true and false
loves – real and not
delusions
clarity
stumbles
coasts
falling
leaping
flying
soaring
falling
loving
over
and over
again.
loving.
loving.
loving.
living.

celebrating the entire gift today.
and whispering with gratitude ‘thank you.’

May 15, 2017

you really are a light…

i saw something really cool this weekend –
i saw the ripples of someone’s kindness
go far beyond what that someone would have imagined.

and not only was the kindness seen and appreciated,
who she chose to be was admired and respected.
all this coming from a source further than she woulda
thought her touch would really go.

and it made an impression on a young man.

which kinda felt extra good to me.

and i got to tell her about it on a weekend
where she wasn’t feeling all that seen.
so the timing was pretty darn nice.

so while i enjoyed all that tremendously,
what really takes my breath away is how much it
really does matter how we choose to live.
how much we really can touch others –
way further away then we’d ever imagine.

and how – yeah – we really are lights.
and that even in those situations where it’s so hard
to be those lights – well, maybe those situations
count more than we know.

keep at it.
it matters.
shine on and on and on.
you never know who’s watching.

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