journal

musings and ponderings…

September 19, 2017

going with it…

i’ve got the whole menopause thang
happening in me these days. and i
never ever quite know what’s goin’ on.

but this morning as i walked,
i realized –
‘terri, you are hormonal today.
you can just feel it.’

and then – i did something brilliant.

not because i’m a genius.
but because every now and then
i bump into something that works.

i realized i had been fighting it the first
part of the walk. and that wasn’t working.

so…

i went with it.

i just stopped fighting it and just
released into it.

i said ‘okay. i’m hormonal.’
and i could feel myself relax.

i lifted my face to the breeze and
just let it wrap around me and soothe me.
it felt absolutely perfect.

i came in, told my partner and told him
i was gonna kinda stay to myself.

that felt good.
just kinda making my own space for me.

then i went in to my office,
closed the door,
understanding the need for some
feminine energy – i put on some goddess music
and did some yoga stretches as i soaked in the music.

afterwards, i changed, carefully picking out
clothes i felt good in. and picked earrings that
symbolized the moon and cycles and life.

i ate a healthy breakfast and have plans for
healthy food today.

and you know what?
i feel sooo much better.
i honestly really do.

half my problem is fighting what i’m feeling.
when i stop doin’ that and ask myself what is
it i need, well, my gosh, what a difference that
makes! it’s like just the act of taking care of
myself is enough to have my body work with me.

ahem.

prolly really is that way, isn’t it?

why am i so thick headed most of the time?
like i say, i didn’t do this brilliant thing
cause i’m a genius…i kinda bumped into it.

so i wanted to remind you guys again –
let’s listen to what we need and treat ourselves
with gentleness and respect.
and with intention.

ahhhh think it’s gonna be a really nice day.
go figure.
hormones and all.

September 18, 2017

cleaning up old lessons…

i have no idea if it’s because girls
were taught a certain way,
or if it was the times –
undertones of many influences.
or if i just misunderstood things –

but i learned a lot of dysfunction
thru the lessons i was taught as i grew up.

and the thing is, the lessons themselves were worth
learning if you came at them from a healthy angle.
but the angles i came at them with were not healthy.

not really caring here who gets the ‘blame.’
that isn’t the point.
the point is how to take lessons with seeds of good
and grow the good.

i’m beginning to see this,
and i’m beginning to start the process of cleaning up the old lessons.

for example –
and i know i’m not alone in learning this one –
when things are hard between you and someone else,
you give yourself away to make it easier or better for the other person.

you give yourself away.
and you do it with a smile.

there were different reasons behind this.
sometimes it was because i was the stronger one and i could do this.
sometimes it was because i didn’t count as much.
sometimes it was because that’s what girls did.

and so i learned to give myself away.

until i couldn’t anymore.
and then i spent years and years learning to stop doing that.

so recently, when something came up between my partner and i,
and my inner child part was hurt and angry,
i really really didn’t want to try to make things better.
but as he and i talked, it was really clear that he needed me to
reach out to him. when i stilled myself to ‘talk’ to that part of myself
and suggest this – that part reacted big time.
NO.

and i love this.
i absolutely love this.
when i was a child, i didn’t have the ability to say no.
but now that part of me has that freedom.
and that’s a great thing.

so the ‘NO’ is glorious.

and at the same time, it’s misguided.

i knew that part of me was reacting with ‘i’m not giving myself away
anymore!’ and i had to really sit and think about this –
‘it’s different when you’re equals.’ i told that part.
‘when you know he needs you to reach out, AND you know you will
GET BACK at the same time. he will not just take, he will not just
expect you to be something and do something. he will offer love back.
it is safe and healthy to reach out. it is loving for both of you to reach out.’

and that’s when i realized the old lesson was really probably about reaching
out to another when you’re both hurting. and getting back what you
give out. the old lesson was probably about love, and yet had gotten
twisted into dysfunction. the equality and value of both parties was deleted
from the equation that i learned. love was taken out of the whole lesson.
there was no love of oneself. and you can’t love another with out loving
yourself. all that was missing.

when you slip that in, it’s really quite beautiful.
go figure.

how many lessons can we take and slip that back in and change them
around to what maybe they originally set out to teach?

i don’t know.

but i thought this was a really cool example of what i’m playing with here.
and i certainly don’t mean this lesson is just one to use between partners,
i mean this lesson works everywhere in our lives. and if our relationships
aren’t about equality and love……well, maybe there’s some stuff to look
at there.

this growing up and growing healthy –
what a puzzle.
and the magical part seems to be the more you grow, the more you need
to grow, and the more you can grow.

crazy stuff living.
crazy beautiful stuff.

September 15, 2017

maybe it’s just as much about raising you…

because of an email exchange with a
friend, i have been thinking about
the relationship between myself
and my grown sons.

it was a whole lot easier when they were little.

and i had no idea it’d be that way.
i figured that was the hard stuff.
back then.

i remember.
it was a lot.
and it took a lot of effort.

all the blood, sweat and tears in figurin’ out
how to raise them and take care of them…
and then actually following thru on what you figured out.

but back then, you could direct them how to behave.
you could soothe any hurts they had.
you could make the world a beautiful place for them.

when they’re adults, you know you’re not their mom anymore,
and yet you will always be.
how the heck are you supposed to walk that line?

how do you know when it’s your place to gently suggest
or point out something and when to stay quiet?

how do you know if it’s okay to storm in and say ‘hey, bud, this sucks.’?

how do you figure out when your opinion matters and
when it doesn’t hold any weight?

how do you just let go when you see bad choices or
just watch while they’re in pain?

i don’t know the answer to any of these.
but i keep trying. and i keep learning.

and it occurred to me as i sat with all this –
maybe the first half of the mothering – when the kids are kids –
is all about raising them.
and maybe the second half – when the kids are adults –
is all about raising you.

cause to really get this down, to really respect the adults that are kids,
you gotta look and see. you gotta love for real.
you gotta grow and change and become the person you want to be.
always. not just in your relationship with everyone else.
but always. with everyone.
including your thick headed grown kids who are making you crazy!

the inner work my email buddy was doin’ to figure out her own relationship
with her own grown kid, really impressed me. it is great stuff she’s doin’.
it inspired me. and made me think – yeah…….maybe we’re raisin’ us now.
and maybe that’s a really cool thing, even tho it’s sucky hard sometimes.

September 14, 2017

finally sat still…

i have been runnin’ a lot lately.
and yesterday, because of a work related
thing, i sat myself down and asked myself
what it was i was feeling about getting married.

‘scared’ immediately came to mind.

and then scared proceeded to wash all over me.

i spoke the fear out loud on facebook and got
a lot of friends giving a lot of good thoughts –
and some great advice. and then i took the fear
to my partner and got some loving support there.

it’s when he mentioned something that i had said
the day before – that i felt the tension relax.

yeah, my own words soothed me…go figure.

it all came about when a friend who i haven’t seen in years
asked me about my relationship with my guy.

‘is it passion or comfort?’ she asked.

my eyebrows went up.
‘it certainly isn’t comfort,’ i laughingly replied.

and then i rambled on with a long answer.
which turned out really helpful to me.
and by the time i was done, i could see clearly why
what i always choose to say about the two of us mattered so much to me.

‘he teaches me how to love’ is what i try to tell people.

and in this long meandering i gave my friend, i saw why that’s always
in the forefront –

when i ended my marriage all those years ago it was because i no longer
felt love towards my husband, nor did i feel loved.
not what i thought love really meant.

and i remember asking everyone i met what they thought love was.
i asked and asked and got more convinced that it didn’t exist between
couples. all i could find were needs and lame answers.
and even excuses.
sure there was caring.
but it wasn’t what i was thinking love was about.

and i really had no idea what love was…
but i knew what it wasn’t.

i figured if i couldn’t have anything healthy and real,
i didn’t want it at all.
i felt convinced of that.

so when i heard myself tell my friend that i felt passionate
about the exploring of love that we did together, and that
no matter where we were in what was going on between us, i still
felt a tremendously deep love…
and that i just barely understood the very beginnings of love,
yet i knew, without a doubt, that it existed between us.

well, when i heard myself say all that,
i understood why that’s what i always tried to convey when people asked.
because that’s what i was searching for so long ago.
and for me, that’s the only thing that could bring me to marriage.

it’s messy. it’s hard. it’s wonderful. it’s awesome.
it’s exhausting. it certainly isn’t storybook…..
and yet it’s so darn real and deep.

is it passion or comfort?

it’s real.

and in that real is a lotta passion.
a lotta comfort.
a lotta messin’ up.
a lotta growin.

and when i remembered that,
when i remembered who we are together –
then i relaxed.

September 12, 2017

a long way from the cave…

somewhere around ten years ago,
i hit a ‘belief crisis.’

the beliefs i had held for years just didn’t
work for me anymore.
seemed like everything i had believed in, was gone.

i remember a visual i did where i went into a cave
and threw all my beliefs on the floor.
trusting that the ones that i needed would come back to me,
i left everything there.

the stuff i threw down has been missed in the sense that
beliefs feel good to have. ya know?
i didn’t miss those particular beliefs,
i just missed the whole idea of holding a ‘faith.’

bits and pieces of things came back…
and sometimes i’d really notice and rejoice,
but i was sorta feeling like i may never get back
any kinda set of beliefs.

and while i couldn’t adopt the faiths that i saw in others,
i still envied that they had one.

the other day, as i was writing an email,
i realized i believed something so strongly,
that i would call it faith –

i believe with my whole heart that life is a gift.

and i can hold on to that even when it’s really hard or dark.

this person i was writing to didn’t believe that.
and i think that’s what made me realize it’s what gets me thru a lot.
and it’s what affects the angles i look at things –
for me, that’s what a ‘faith’ in something does.

and then i thought about how i just recently found the belief
that my heart is the place that love can always win.
if i create space for it then that possibility is there.
that’s a new thought for me but one i already i can hold completely.

finishing my email, i went off to take a hot shower.
a line in the music i was listening to turned me to
thinking of another recent thought about love finding the answer to things.
how i’m starting to see how i get in my own way. i’m starting to really
understand the ways in which i block the flow. and i thought – ‘love will
find the answer, not terri.’

and then……right there….in the shower…with the music playing…
i saw these strings of thoughts and beliefs…i kinda saw them all join together…
and i thought – ‘by golly, i think i’m creating my very own custom faith!’

it’s taken a long time to shed the old and step far enough away to let
the new find me. it’s been years and years.
and now, i feel like it is.
i feel like i’m starting to be found.
– that my very own custom-built faith is finding me!

i am so excited about this!

i don’t know if it makes any sense to anyone outside of my own self,
but that rarely stops me from sharing!

and i’m just too excited about this to keep it in.
so there you have it.
and i’m smiling…..

September 11, 2017

9/11

wanted to offer two of the
‘weary world offerings’ today.
remembering 9/11 and offering
light…

you can find them here.
if you don’t see them,
that means they sold!

September 8, 2017

tossin’ and spittin’…

what’s a better phrase?
tossing something away
or
spitting on it?
how about both?

twice now,
recently,
i have watched,
(what appears to me anyway)
two different people spit on gifts
that life had given them.

and then toss them away…

my eyes kinda go big and my brain
thinks something really intelligent like -‘woe.’

i have fussed in my head at both these people
for a little bit – and then realized that wasn’t
doin’ anyone any good.

and they can’t hear me if i chose to speak.

so the only one left to speak to is me.

so i turned inward and wondered –
‘are there any gifts i’m spitting on and tossin’ away?’

at this point, none have to come to mind.

BUT! you know what DID surface?
a gift that i don’t really understand and so i’m not
handling it with the honor a gift should get.
i just fumble around with it.

this is such a great thought to me, i had to share.

so take a peek.
are you tossin’ anything away that is valuable?
and if not, are you confused by something and that’s
affecting the way you accept it?

seemed like good weekend questions!
and one we should stop and ask over and over as we
travel down our paths.

i think i’m gonna have to start a whole list of
these darn questions. and pull them out here and there
to check on myself!

September 7, 2017

different thinking…

with a desire to want to see better,
i started exchanging emails with a
young woman in my life.

just a reaching out trying to know her more.

i’m thinking i should always be doing this
with at least one person. because, my gosh,
it’s not that easy to see each other, is it?!

we think it is.
or we fool ourselves into thinking we’re seeing.

but we assume so much.
these notes make me stop and listen and look –
and ask.

and as we pass these emails back and forth,
i see a completely different way of thinking than my own.

this isn’t a new concept for me as my partner
thinks completely differently than i do.

i didn’t fully understood that thinking REALLY can be
THAT different, until my interactions with my partner.
right down to the very processing of the thoughts….
all different.

as i read her note this morning i sat back and thought
‘wow, here’s a real chance for me to learn.’
not only about her, but about a whole different way
of viewing the world.

we come from similar enough backgrounds you wouldn’t guess
the thinking would be so different.
how about those who come from entirely different places?
how close are we looking at each other?

how close are we listening?

and are we learning anything from what we’re hearing?

good questions to keep tossin’ out there.
good questions to keep tackling.

September 6, 2017

the monthly newsletter

hey you guys!
i sent out the monthly newsletter
today and wanted to share it
here in case you aren’t on the
email list to get it.

if you want to be on that list,
you can sign up here!

one way or another, you can find
the newsletter here.

i’m pleased to say that the weary world offering has sold.
so you won’t be able to find that…