journal

musings and ponderings…

June 22, 2018

opening the tool box and using those tools!

i get so excited when i actually remember
to use the tools i’ve put in my toolbox!

my psychological toolbox that is!
well, the other kind too.
but today i mean the psych one.

it feels like it’s been challenge after challenge
the last couple months. and recently, after feeling
a bit collapsed from another one, i found myself
getting on the treadmill and having a good talking
to myself.

and i grabbed that image tool.
(the one about tryin’ to see what image you’re holding
of yourself to live up to that’s messin’ with your head.)
(see this blog post for more on that.)
(OR if you want to hear about it with my voice behind it –
you can go here!)

and i played with it.
didn’t just use it for what image i was holding for myself.
i used it for what image i was holding another to!
ha!

the guy who came up with this whole idea might just roll his eyes
and tell me i’m doin’ it all wrong –
but it sure helped me!

and THEN! i had a talk with my inner child! ha!
(want more on that? check this out!)

and THEN! i asked myself what was it i wanted to do with my life?
my answer came quick.
and then i asked myself ‘well, can you do it if you’re all consumed with this?’

ha!
nope!
so i refocused, did a little more treadmill, cried a little bit more,
and then headed back to my day feelin’ so much better.

i was delighted i used some tools i had.
and, i saw something –
i have a definite process i go thru when i’m kinda overwhelmed with something.
i’ve seen it enough now to recognize it and to start to honor it.

i gotta escape from everyone and just be alone for a bit.
not thinking. but escaping.
movies with headphones are good for that.

then after giving myself some room, i can begin to look at what’s goin’ on.
and once i see, i can get up again.

i’m sure we all have our own patterns.
if we know what they are and we allow ourselves the room to do them,
that in itself aides the healing.

i’m pretty tickled with all this.
i know that life is full of challenges.
i can’t really do much about that.
but knowing i not only have a tool box, but that i’ll access it
at the right time in my own process feels pretty darn amazing.

tools. let’s gather them.
let’s use them.

June 21, 2018

and the thursday audio…

okay, i posted all of these at the
beginning of the week.
but if i had done it correctly,
this would have been the thursday post.
soooo….i’m posting it today.
pretending i’m doing it correctly.

it’s the story of the very first bone sigh i ever wrote.

if you haven’t checked these out yet,
come on over and give a listen!

this is the link for soundcloud.
and this link takes you to the print i’m talking about!

 

 

June 20, 2018

the cool down…

while i have an ac window unit
in my office that keeps my computer cool,
i don’t use it a whole lot.
just enough.

there’s no ac in the main part of the house.
fans everywhere tho.
but at nite, it can get hot.

that’s okay.
that’s summer.
i’m okay with that.
thing is, sometimes the heat at nite does get thick.

we had a hot couple of days.
the other nite was one of those thicker nites.

but then we got rain yesterday evening,
and last nite’s sleeping was cooler.
it felt soooo good.
more good than that temperature normally would feel.

i woke up just delighted that it was cooler.
keep in mind tho, it’s not THAT cool.
just coolER.

it occurred to me that it took the uncomfortable heat
to make the other feel so good.

and it occurs to me that i gotta remember that with life.
it’s good timing for me.
last nite i felt like i was at the end of my limit with some
hard i’ve been experiencing.
snort.
we all know better.
there’s no end to your limit.
hard doesn’t care.
it goes on its own schedule.
i know that and know i have to extend my limit.

and this whole hot/cooler thing helps.
cause i know how good it’s gonna feel when the heat lets up,
when the hard gets easy.
when the changes for the better come along.

this right now will affect then later.
and that feels like something to tuck in my pocket and hold.

obviously, there are some hard things that this can’t apply to.
i know that.
and maybe that also makes what i’m experiencing easier –
cause i know things WILL get better.
think i’d need a whole different set of tools if they wouldn’t.
and i’m so grateful that’s not the case.

perspective.
and knowing things change.

good stuff to keep in mind.

think the heat is gonna feel better this summer.
i just have that feeling…

June 19, 2018

gettin’ into the swing of this…

okay, i’m gonna get right into the swing of this –

i gotta tell ya, it feels weird.
i have been putting myself out to the world
for years. you’d think i’d be used to it by now.
but it’s weird when it’s your actual voice.

i posted yesterday that i was starting to podcast.
this week i put them all up at once.
there’s an intro, a thought one and a story on a bone sigh.

normally what i’ll do is post one on tuesday and one on thursday.
so thought i’d get into the swing now.

so here’s today’s.

June 18, 2018

audio offerings

hey you guys! i’m going to start doin’ some audio!
the plan is twice a week on the ‘t’ days – tuesdays
and thursdays – the t being for terri and talks and
thoughts and any good t stuff!

this week i just have everything up at once to get us started!

you can find them either on sound cloud or youtube!
this may just be a lotta fun!
come join me any time you feel like it.

click here for soundcloud

or here for youtube

June 15, 2018

some father thoughts…

it’s father’s day weekend.
and in doin’ what i do,
i talk to a lotta people with
a lotta different father stories.
some good, some sad,
some not so great,
some horrible.

gosh, as i look at each holiday,
i see how loaded they all are.
and this one is for sure.

i’ve been thinking about dads.
in general.
it seems like we kinda make dads into these larger than life figures.
and that can’t really be good for any of us.
including them.

i’m on this whole ‘seeing clearly’ kick, right?
and i’m thinking that dads are guys.
ha.
i know.
i’m brilliant.

what i mean is – dads are just people.
guys that became dads.
some intentionally.
some not.

but they’re people.
just like moms.

i think, for some reason, moms might get a little less
of the hero stuff than dad’s get. maybe cause they GENERALLY
are involved in so much of the mundane? don’t know.
but i guess both moms and dads get looked at as more than
just people in a lotta ways.

and that can get us in trouble.

but if we can look at it more from the person angle than
the hero angle, i think we can see a little more clearly
that they did what they did from where they were at.
and not as much as we think really was about us.

so like – if you had a dad who was absent a lot of the time,
well, that really wasn’t because you weren’t lovable or
a joy to be around. it’s cause he had his own issues that
were driving a lot of what he did.

maybe you don’t think your dad loved you.
maybe he really couldn’t love anyone.
it’s not YOU.
or maybe his way of love was really unhealthy and not love.
and somehow that’s what he learned and he never unlearned it.
for whatever reasons were his.

when we talk about the abuse stuff, it’s so darn heavy and loaded,
i don’t want to step into it all and act like i know what
i’m talkin’ about. the only thing i do know about all that
is it’s not the child’s fault. never is. and the abuser
has a ton of stuff goin’ on inside of them. and none of that
had to do with you, the kid. none of it.

then you got the great dads. the ones who could really make
you feel loved and cherished. more power to those guys for sure!
they were healthy guys who had kids! you were lucky enough to
get them for a dad!

one way or another, dad’s are people.
and like all people – you get one heck of a darn range of
wonderful to really stinky.

i have come to believe that one of the best signs of a good parent
is one who ends up learning as much from their kids as their
kids learned from them.

whether your dad learned anything or not – maybe it doesn’t
really matter that much. cause maybe he has/had his journey
and you have yours.

the more i see that, the more i feel i can honor my own dad.

happy father’s day weekend to you.

June 14, 2018

cookie crumb houses…

this meme popped up in my
facebook memories today.

i love this one.

it actually happened in real life.

i just went and looked,
and sure enough, i wrote about this two years ago.
i thought it was worth a repeat.
for me it was anyway.

……..
so there we were.
me and a couple of girlfriends of mine.
sitting around the table at the coffee shop.
talkin’ from the heart.
tryin’ to offer wisdom to each other.

and then,
right there,
in my mind,
i invited the old crone inside me to show up.

and without hesitation,
she did.
she sat right down.
right down next to me.

i saw her, but was listening to my friend.
so i kept listening.

tho i couldn’t help but noticed that the old woman
quietly reached out and grabbed the cookie that was
in the middle of the table.

she started breaking that and the scone into crumbs.

and as we talked,
she sat there, listening to us,
and building cookie crumb houses.

kinda like –
‘oh you gals, you do go on so.
i’ll just wait.
and play a little bit here while i’m waiting.’

when i looked over,
she grinned a huge goofy grin at me.

and i realized how far i had to go before
i found wisdom.
but it didn’t make me feel bad.
it made me happy.
i like the journey.
and i’m lovin’ the guides.

June 13, 2018

housing this gift

it’s a combination of things –
having hurt my back and being slowed down
so much so and missing the free and quick
movement i was used to. and reading a book
about the glory of the body –

between the two things,
i am so ready to step back into health!

my back is so much better.
i have returned to walking and exercising.

this time tho, there’s definitely a deepened sense
of awe for my body and how it works.

and the idea that the body houses the spirit –
well i’ve been sitting with that a bit.

and i am so filled with wanting to house this gift,
with wanting to be a good host and provide a strong
healthy place for it to dwell.

what an awesome thought, huh?

so yeah, the eating has been healthy,
the exercise getting steadier and steadier as i am able,
tossin’ in laughter as much as i can as that seems important,
and an appreciation and awe for it all at the same time.

we are given so many gifts.
our bodies are one of the greatest gifts ever.
and here i’ve been, not taking such great care of it,
and certainly not housing my spirit in the style i wish to.

well, i’m on it now!
and i am delighting in this perspective.
wanted to share.

June 12, 2018

gentleness and love

i not only got to see the
mister rogers movie this weekend,
i got to sit with my adult sons
and watch with them.

talk about something i’ll always treasure.

i didn’t expect to cry thru it.
i thought of bringing a tissue and thought
‘what’s there to cry about?’

ha.
i cried thru the whole darn movie.
don’t think i’ve ever cried thru EVERY part of a movie before,
until this one.

i felt so many things as i watched –
and i realized how much i needed his message as i soaked up
every bit of love the man radiated out.

mister rogers, we need you!

i don’t think i’ve ever been so discouraged about
the crudeness, crassness, harshness, hatred, anger, divisiveness
and just plain meanness that i see and hear in the news and on the internet.

but you know what? i don’t hear it when i’m out and about.
and i want to keep that in mind.
i hear a lot of love and kindness as i move thru the world.
i gotta keep that in mind and keep focusing there.
and the theater? it was full!
it was a full house to see this man who lived a life of love.
i thought that was pretty darn awesome.

i know i’m not the only one discouraged.
and i know so many of us want to offer love to the world.

i’d like to suggest you make a point to see this movie.
it helps.
i think i’m actually going to purchase it at some point
and hang on to it for when i’m having a really hard day.
he reminds me of what matters.
he reminds me to keep going.
and he shines love so brightly that it makes me cry.
that seems like something to have handy to pull out and watch.

we don’t have mister rogers here walking among us anymore.
so maybe we all have to do our part and be more like him,
and have little bits of him wandering all over the place.

yeah.
maybe so.

what would mister rogers do?
couldn’t hurt to ask ourselves next time we go to laugh at or applaud
or participate in something mean spirited in any way.

let’s slip on our sweaters and make the man proud!

here’s a clip i love –

June 11, 2018

on a sharing roll here!

there’s getting to be so many good things
to share, that i think i’m gonna have to gather
them all and get a newsletter together!

rose shared this with me the other day,
and i wanted to share it here.

the news has put suicide in the headlines,
and while it’s because of tragic reasons,
it’s so good that we begin to really
talk about this stuff.

we can add rose’s article into the conversation.
you can find it here.

thank you for all who have written and shared helpful,
insightful, moving information on this topic.