musings and ponderings…

January 28, 2016

not even a heads up…

life is just full of changes.
that’s just the deal.
the nature of it all.
you can’t get around it.
and yet, still, over and over again
i’m surprised by that,
whine about it,
am thrown by it,
or fight against it.

i’ve been really thinking about it now for
about six months. as that’s when a few changes
that felt pretty big to me started happening.

my partner moved in with me after my being on
my own for a few years – and my gosh – we are as
different as they come, so yeah, a few changes there.

and there were pretty big shifts in my relationships
with my sons. the whole ‘mothering’ game changed,
and trying to get the hang of that has been a challenge.

in thinking about this it occurs to me that it’s hard
to get a handle on it all sometimes as there are so many
different layers and threads to it. trying to figure
out exactly what you’re feeling or reacting to is a
bit tricky.

and as far as i can see, these are the really easy changes.
both of these challenges came with heads up stuff –
i knew the were coming. and there’s a lotta good stuff mixed in.

and still, i struggle.

and then i see a whole lotta changes that are just so huge.

i watch the challenges get harder.
the ones without the heads up.
the ones that aren’t filled with a whole lotta good.

i see a friend who is a caretaker and her daily challenges.
and how the rules will change for her over and over again.
and how over and over again she tries to find her footing.

and then let’s get even harder –

i watch a friend who had a stroke and his work to getting
back to where he was before that happened. his victory in
just standing back up again. i think of his challenge every
single day.

and then right now i’m watching a step up from that –
a young woman – too young for a stroke – dealing with having
had one anyway and the disease that’s causing all her problems.
having very real conversations with her husband about her dying.
talk about a game changer.

there’s no heads up.
the rules just changed.
there’s nothing you can do but go in the direction you’ve
just been thrown.

i tell ya, as i’ve watched, my changes have seemed pretty small.
when i think of all the threads and layers involved in
my stuff, i have to multiply that by ten thousand for some
of this other stuff.


so i’m watching.
and trying to learn from the watching.

i’m not sure i’m learning much of anything,
but maybe.
and i’m certainly inspired.
inspired by the drive and the commitment and the hard work
that i see all around me.

the people doing this stuff don’t necessarily see it in
themselves. perhaps they’re too busy working to step back and see.

but i’m noticing it.
and watching the muscles that develop from this.
the spirits behind the efforts.

and maybe that’s what i’m starting to learn –
we can do what we gotta do.
we’re stronger than we think.

and maybe sometimes the trust isn’t about trusting
the journey and what it will bring us –

maybe the trust is trusting in ourselves
and what we can do with what comes our way.

trusting in ourselves to handle what we must.

maybe i’ll try to bring that back to my daily life
when i’m trying to untangle the threads and layers
of things inside me that get jumbled. maybe what i
gotta do is run every thread, every layer thru a
check point.

a trust check point.

are you trusting YOU thru this, ter?

trust yourself.
you can do it.

over and over again.

and we grow and we strengthen.


January 27, 2016

what i want

i have an urge to type out
what it is i want with my life.
and i don’t know what’s going to come out.
i just want to type and let it flow outta me.
so this seemed like the perfect place to try that –

let’s see what happens…

i want to live with all my might.
with all the muscle of my might.
with all the energy of my soul.
i want real.
not fake real.
not half hearted real.
REAL real.
and honest.
tough to look at but willing to anyway honest.
and passionate –
hot burning flaming passion.
not just in my love life –
but sure, that too!
but in how i live
which is my love life and my life of love –
it’s what i do with my moments –
and how intensely i give myself to them.
in how i believe in that giving –
and how i listen to what’s guiding me.
and how i let that all burn inside and outside of me.

i want to do things because they matter to me.
not because i’m supposed to.
i want to make enough money to give gifts easily
and yet never do anything because the money made
me do it.
i want that to be the gift i buy for myself –
not selling out.
not giving up on following my heart.
that’s the biggest thing i can gift myself.

in believing in those offerings and moments
and drives and passions, i gotta believe in
me, don’t i?

i gotta really really tap into holding my beauty
and allowing it to flow
and letting it be accepted –
or not.

i gotta let parts of the world embrace it,
and parts of the world walk on by it,
and parts of the world insult it.

because that’s living in the world with heart.
and i have to let none of that matter.
because it’s what i have to do no matter what.

someone once told me she was uncomfortable
with the whole following your heart concept
as you didn’t really know if it was your heart
or something else leading you.

she didn’t know her heart yet.
cause when you do, you’re okay.
you know.

and i do.
i do know my heart.
or a good part of it, anyway.
and i want to shout that out and claim it.
i do know my heart!
and gosh, i like it.
and i don’t want to be anyone else.

i want to be me.
completely and totally me.

and there’s so much of me i haven’t found yet.
and there’s so much of me that changes before
i can figure out what’s happening.

and i want to be in on it all.
i don’t want to coast, bargain or sleep walk thru myself.

i want to light a torch and explore the hallways
and cellars and back alleys of my being.

i want to light a fire inside myself
and then laugh when i find the fire that was
already lit from way long ago just waiting for me.

there’s a world inside me.
and i want in on it.

right now.

that’s what i want.


January 26, 2016

a delicious quote

sometimes i just love rounding up
mark nepo quotes. i can read these

in fact, i plan to just keep his books
goin over and over and over in a loop here.

here’s one that made me gasp all over again –

‘Like some form of spiritual erosion,
we start out wanting to hear the truth
and falling in, we sometimes speak the truth and,
if we suffer enough and are true enough,
we become the truth. We start out wanting
to know that love is possible and falling in,
we chance our way as lovers and, if we suffer enough
and are loving enough, we become the love. We start
out wanting to hear the song and falling in,
we sometimes feel compelled to sing and, if we
suffer enough and are loving enough and true enough,
oh yes, we then become the song.’

that’s from mark nepo’s ‘the exquisite risk’

January 25, 2016

pass me the tube!

so we had our blizzard.
and it was perfect.
tons of snow, roads plowed enough
to get around, power on 24/7 and
all trees stayed standing.
who could ask for more?!

i even got to go snow tubing!

we went to a place i find kinda
intimidating. but i was brave and
did it anyway. and just so everyone
knows – i held the record for fastest
and furthest on my tube. AND for the
only person in the state who actually
found mud outside. (and landed in it!)

ahhhh……but that’s another blog…..

here’s the part of the story i wanted to share –
we were the ones with the tubes.
the others there had plastic sleds.
and they were pathetic compared to ours.
it was the wrong kinda snow for them.

the hill was really really long.
seriously, you walk up once, you’re about done.
all this AFTER a really long walk in!
(i did a few mid-way runs just to save on
some of that walking!)
i walked up twice and then figured the third
walk would kill me. and at this point,
i really wanted to share the tube. there
was a dad there who was drooling over
the runs we were having and i figured he
should get a turn.

so i walked up there and handed it to him.
he took it with delight.

as i sat at the top of the hill watching things,
and grinning at the dad’s glee in the crazy
run he had, i saw magic happen.

and i really think it started with handing
that dad the tube. it opened up a crack and
let the magic in…

before we were done,
tubes were being passed all around.
josh was helping a couple of kids tube.
noah was holding one boys’ hand and helping
him up the hill, and the group had changed
from strangers to snow friends.

i know it sounds dumb.
those things happen in the snow.
another reason i love it.
but it was so cool watching the hill transform.
i just sat there and watched.

and thought THIS is magic.


January 22, 2016

pre-blizzard delight

so it’s PRE blizzard, right?
no trees have fallen on my house.
no power has gone out for 17 days.
and my bathroom works just fine.

there’s no headaches.
just anticipation.
and lots of delightful plans of
snuggling in, warm drinks,
game playing, shoveling snow
and making snow people.

i have my man in the house now
and that makes me feel extra secure.

and there’s something about coming chaos
that makes me giddy.

and so i find myself in one heck of a good mood.

i went up for coffee with my gal pals
and it all seemed extra delightful.
there was electricity in the air.

when i popped on facebook this morning,
the first thing i saw was some news of a friend
who’s having severe health issues at the moment.

it stopped me in my tracks.
both with concern for her well being,
and the realization of how lucky i am.

there will be lots to handle, i’m sure,
with the amount of snow that’s coming.
i’m hoping it’s no more than a whole lot of shoveling –
but you never can tell –
here’s the thing tho – i CAN handle it,
you know?

i’m not incapacitated in any way.
i’m strong and i’m healthy.
and THAT is something that i really really
do not want to take for granted.

so i have a plan now that i’m taking into
the blizzard ahead –

i want to remember at every moment that i can handle
what i need to.
and i want to hold the gratitude for that incredible gift,
and be present with that gratitude.

kinda a good plan, don’t ya think?

maybe i’ll make a snow angel of gratitude!

for all those up and down the east coast –
stay safe!


January 21, 2016

let’s put the heart in valentine’s day!

for years now i’ve been talking about valentine’s day
being about all kindsa love. and how it’s a great
chance to spread love all around us.
i have believed that and practiced that.

but this year i really want to do something about it.
i want to do more than just mention it to someone here
and there. i want to get us all thinking about it –

REALLY thinking about it.
and i want to encourage us to take the holiday back.


i was thinking about it this morning,
without any effort, several different heart breaking
stories came to mind. i thought of one couple that was
experiencing the fallout of betrayal. i thought of another
woman who’s husband just died recently. i thought of another
woman who just squeaked thru the holiday season, just barely,
having come close to committing suicide.

these all came to mind immediately, without me having
to sit down and say ‘let’s see, who can i list that’s gonna
hurt really bad on valentine’s day?’

imagine if i sat down and made a list?

there are so many rough stories because life is filled
with pain. and it’s filled with good stuff. and it’s filled
with silly stuff and awful stuff. it’s all of it.

but when we pretend that it’s all beautiful and that it all
is a happily ever after – we’re creating pain for ourselves.
and there’s enough of that already. let’s not add to it.

when we can be real about it all, we make space for healing.
we make space for love.

i jumped right in thinking ‘self love’ was the place to start.
but you know, there’s a lotta people who struggle with
‘self hatred.’ so that makes the whole self love place a tough
place to begin.

so does that mean we don’t try?
it means we get real about it and acknowledge it –

some of us are so far from self love that this seems impossible.

okay….so i vote we use the word ‘compassion’ and start
seeing if we can muster up compassion for ourselves if we struggle
with the love stuff. let’s start somewhere.

compassion seems good.

and we start thinking of those around us who are struggling
and we think about reaching out to them and offering some form
of love – even if it’s as simple as offering someone a cup of coffee.

so then i think back of the three stories i began with –
the couple experiencing fallout from betrayal. how on earth could
valentine’s day be anything good for them? maybe if it was also
a day for self compassion, it would be so helpful to take some time
and wrap themselves in that. to find some gentleness in acknowledging
the pain.

maybe the woman who lost her husband could make some sort of space
to think of the love they had. to honor the beauty of that. and if
that’s too hard, maybe her friends could wrap her in love and let her
know she isn’t alone.

same for the woman who didn’t commit suicide. who is still here
struggling wondering if it’s worth the struggle. what if someone
told her she mattered and reminded her that her presence was valuable?

what if it was a day filled with this kinda stuff?

why couldn’t it be?

it’s entirely up to us what we make of it.

to get us started, i’ve got a page of self love (self compassion)
valentines that we discounted. i wanted to encourage you to get
yourself a valentine this year. for you. to show you that you matter.
for you. from you. to you. you can find that here.

and i’m going to keep thinking and keep talking about this.
because i think we can change our worlds for the better.
i think we can make more and more space for real love.
and for the healing that real love brings.
if only we start.

let’s put the heart back in valentine’s day!


January 20, 2016

january newsletter

if you don’t get our monthly newsletter emailed
directly to you, and you’d like to see it,
you can find it right here.

i’d love it if you checked it out and hopped
on board with reinventing valentine’s day with me!

i think we can do this!


January 19, 2016

the quote on my printer

my printer finally bit the dust.
and as i went to unhook it and move it
out of the way, i saw the quote i had
taped to it years ago –

‘in the end what matters most is –
how well did you live?
how well did you love?
how well did you learn to let go?’


apparently i hadn’t read that in a long time.
cause i took it off my printer and just
held it and stared at it.

i want to get better at all of this.
all three of those things.

it’s all so tied in to each other.
all part of one big ball of being alive.

i feel challenged with all three of them
right now and want to rise to the challenge
and grow myself.

so since yesterday i’ve been kinda chanting
this quote to myself.

thought i’d share in case anyone else needed
the chant…..


January 18, 2016

morning walks

i got up early this morning.
just like it was a work day.
well it was for ONE of us around here.
i covered my partner as i walked by him,
and quietly slipped outta the room.

i got dressed and slipped right outside for a walk.
it was dark and cold with a clear black sky
spotted with sparkling stars.

i wasn’t walking as fast as i normally do.
i noticed it.
it wasn’t because it was cold out or dark out.
a lotta times that makes me move even faster.

i’m pretty sure it was because it was a nite
filled with bad dreams.

it’s been a lotta nites with a lotta bad dreams.

and ms. ‘listen to your insides’ here hasn’t
been paying much attention to their messages.


just kinda wanting them to stop.

and yet, i gotta shake my head at myself sometimes.

if it was someone else telling me,
i wouldn’t miss a beat and i’d tell them
that the bad dreams are a lotta times
good dreams.
and that there’s some pretty awesome messages
in them, if you just pay attention.

i believe that.
i really do.
so i would say that sincerely to whoever was
experiencing the run of nightmares.

and yet……what do i do?
ignore them, get up, wish they’d go away.
and sigh that there’s been so many.

well, for pete’s sakes terri!
maybe there’s been so many because you’re
just not listening!!

ya think?

and so..maybe tonite i’ll actually ask
my dreams to help me understand what it is
i’m not listening to.

do i believe that works?
yes, i do.
i’ve done it before.
i believe in it.

and yet, sometimes it takes a really long time
for me to pay attention.


January 14, 2016

choices and headspace

only two weeks into the new year,
and i’m seeing some stuff i’m really
excited about.

i made some pretty heavy duty nutrition resolutions.
but decided to just make them for the month of
january, and then re-evaluate at the end of the
month and go from there.

two weeks in and i’m feeling great,
and instead of feeling limited by what i can eat,
i’m feeling that i’m getting much more creative and
food is delicious.

go figure.
i didn’t really mean to.
i just wanted to really do this, and i need to eat,
so i guess i had to get creative.
and i keep getting surprised by the difference
in how i feel.
‘can it really be the dietary changes?’ i keep
asking myself. and if i had to describe it, it would
be hard – words like ‘buzzy’ and ‘more clear’ come
to mind. definitely ‘good!’ and ‘healthy.’

at the same time i’m paying attention to my head space.
i’ve been doin’ a lot of pondering, watching, and mulling
on thinking positive and exploring what i believe about
that. throwing in my spiritual leanings, and trying to
figure out how to work with it all as i dive into work
with such passion right now.

none of this is easy for me.
food-wise there have been multiple times i just wanted
to ditch it all and eat what i saw close by. eating is
definitely a way i comfort myself! and it’s only
been a couple of weeks! work-wise i have no choice,
i either make this work or it doesn’t. it’s up to me.
that’s scary and can create a lot of negative thoughts.

none of this is easy.
but all of it is exciting me right now.
which i love.

i’ve been on an intentional journey for over 15 years now.
over those years, i have held different beliefs,
and once, in complete despair for what i had created,
i threw a bunch of beliefs down,
afraid to pick anything up after that.

i have made religions when i didn’t want any.
and i have abandoned beliefs in fear of doing that again.

i’ve been depressed, i’ve been joyful.
i’ve been full of self doubt, i have been confident.

i’ve circled around, found my way again,
lost it again and found it again.
on and on i go.

sometimes i like the idea of manifesting good things,
other times it makes me roll my eyes.
sometimes i like listening to people who claim to have wisdom,
sometimes i’m sure if they’re claiming it,
they don’t have it.

i seem to end up everywhere on this path.
but something i’m feeling strongly about now
and i think it’s something i can always get behind is-

my head space and my body space completely and totally
affect my life. and in taking care of those parts of
me, i make a space where i can appreciate and see the magic
around me/in me…and a space where i feel i can handle the
curve balls that come my way. a space where i remember my
inner fire.

that’s one heck of a space.

that’s what these first two weeks of the year have given me.
and knowing my tendency to turn my back on things that
empower me, i’m going to try real hard to keep this in mind
and continue forward!

and…of course…be gentle with myself when i take a few
steps back. knowing always it’s a circle that keeps circling
around and around and around.

here’s to the twirling of life!