musings and ponderings…

July 7, 2015

the whole darn stinkin’ point

i’ve got stuff goin’ on inside me that i just figured would make no sense to anyone else.
but a friend’s pain today inspired me to try to put this out there.
i don’t think it will help her at all.
but if i believe in telling her to offer yourself thru the pain,
then i figure i should put my money where my mouth is.

if you don’t work with your inner child, if you don’t feel you have one,
or if that whole inner child stuff makes no sense, go ahead and pass on this blog.

cause that part is so central to this whole thing.
it’s SO SO SO SO about the inner child part of me.

it’s the part that’s just full of light and love and innocence and play and goodness.
it’s the part that will so easily get squashed by this world.
so much so that we hide it and protect it so much of the time.

it’s a big part of my personality.
and when i let that part out, i don’t realize how vulnerable i am.
until i get hit.

recently that part of me was not only out in full force,
she was having a ball and really really open.
and then…… so easily happens in this world…..

in one quick moment, her world crashed in.

i don’t mean to be melodramatic……i just have no other way to say it –
it just feels like that part of me is crushed.

the reaction is so strong.
and it takes all i have to maintain my composure and to act like everything is really okay.
when inside i feel a crushing, a door slamming and major running away and hiding.

and so……..this happens.
because i don’t think you can be in the world, show that part, and not have it happen
here and there. i just think that’s how it works.

i immediately understood it was my inner child.
that in itself is progress.

i tried to attend to that part of me the second i was alone and could.
that again is progress.

here’s the part that feels like it negates any progress i make –
if i can have different parts of me – as in an inner child,
then it’s really easy for me to also have another part of me that just does not like
this whole inner child stuff. i think that part is actually trying to help.
to help protect me. to help keep me safe.
it sees the inner child enthusiasm as a set up for pain.
and so it wants to shut that part down.
telling that part it doesn’t like the way it is.

i realize this probably makes no sense to anyone else.
but i gotta try.
cause if it does, we need to talk about it.

so there’s part of me showing compassion to this innocent and vulnerable part.
but at the same time there’s another part telling that innocent and vulnerable part
it just causes trouble.

talk about a conflict.
there’s a whole wrestling match inside me.

and then, of course, it hits buttons and issues and swirls things around inside big time.

suddenly, there’s things to work on.
when a moment ago i was just havin’ fun.

it’s discouraging to me to see progress, and yet to see this other part of me hindering
so much of the progress. it’s not helpful to have one part degrading another.

but in typing it out, i do see that the negative part truly is trying to protect me.
and that does help.

it’s the ol’ how to live in the world and stay open.
when you yourself can’t even accept your openness –
how can you blame others for not embracing it?

what a challenge.

it discourages me – so much of it discourages me.
that my world can be shut down in a moment.
that part of me doesn’t like another part of me that truly is beautiful.

but then again – maybe i need to see it as a journey into really learning how to
love all of myself. how to really really see, embrace and accept all the parts.

i know darn well that when it’s all over for me,
that’s what i want to have accomplished.
because if i get that, i have really learned how to live.

okay……..i’ll keep at it.

cause that’s the whole point, isn’t it?


July 6, 2015


i swear fireworks are like a darn spiritual experience for me.
i love them!
i love love love them.

and as i leaned my head back and watched all the colors and all the
stars – more stars than i ever remembered before –
exploding all over the place,
i kept thinking about the stars inside me.

i kept mixing the thoughts up –

some were about how we all have stars inside us and we gotta just
know that and tune into that and feel them shine….

and then some thoughts were about the different parts of me and how
i gotta stop hiding and let them just burst forth. how i have to believe
in them enough to stop hiding.

some thoughts were relating parts of myself to different colors and bursts.

some were just about wanting to reach out and pull these bursts right
inside of me, and then realizing my own bursts were even more incredible.

all thoughts were about the glory of who we were and of letting
that glory just be alive and explosive inside us.

i felt like crying at the end of the display.
crying in a good way.
i so needed the reminder.

i spent the rest of that evening and the next day with katy perry’s song in my head –
(click here if you want it running thru your head as well!)

baby, you’re a darn firework.


July 3, 2015

right there in front of my face

i was cleaning my studio out a bit.
i bent down to pick up a piece of cardboard to put in the recycling pile.
on the back of the cardboard i found a poem.
i apparently printed it out and taped it there.

i stopped and read it.

oh wow.
it totally stopped me in my tracks.

i had no clue who wrote it or where it came from.

i googled it.

of course.


it was only this part of the poem –


Oh friend!
There is treasure in your heart,
it is heavy with child.

All the awakened ones,
like trusted midwives are saying,
‘welcome this pain.’

It opens the dark passage of Grace.

i don’t remember when i printed it out or what was going on….
but here it was again – in front of my face….
and it made my world stop.

turns out this is the whole poem –

Every midwife knows
that not until a mother’s womb
softens from the pain of labour
will a way unfold
and the infant find that opening to be born.

Oh friend!
There is treasure in your heart,
it is heavy with child.

All the awakened ones,
like trusted midwives are saying,
‘welcome this pain.’

It opens the dark passage of Grace.

~ Rumi

i just couldn’t think of a better thing to share today than this.
take it into your weekend with you and hold it close…


July 2, 2015

mowing therapy

lawn mowing’s a funny thing.
can’t say there’s ever a time i just really want to run out and mow.
but……seems like that active movement and effort and sweating
does some pretty good things for the spirit.
and the sorting out of thoughts.
and the reminding oneself of things that need to be remembered.

i found myself out there again yesterday evening,
and i found myself pushing and sweating and thinking.

thinking about some things i need to face.

thoughts like ‘well, whining isn’t gonna get you anywhere,
just what exactly do you need to do to get the results you want?” come thru my head.

and the belief that i can do what i need to is right there behind the thought.

THAT right there makes mowing the lawn a very very good thing.

when my sons moved out,
one of my big worries was that i wouldn’t be able to keep up with the big yard.
i had no idea my yard was gonna turn into my place of therapy.

and when i’m all done with a mowing therapy session,
i sit back,
look at the yard i love
the yard that i can indeed take care of,
and i remember that i am stronger than i know.
and that patient plugging away and working at things,
takes care of the bulk of what needs taken care of.


July 1, 2015

in spirit

for many different reasons that i’m aware of,
and prolly a few i’m not aware of,
i’ve been a bit on the beat side lately.
just tired and non-energetic.

it’s at those times i see how truly energetic my life is.
when that zip is gone, wow……do i notice.

today i was frustrated with it.
need to get so much done and it’s just not happening.

so i decided to work with it.

and i see what an incredible balance it is to do that.

i did both –
respect the fatigue and rest.
and then i got up and ‘did the opposite.’

i love the ‘opposite’ idea.

i remember reading ages ago that if you’re feeling depressed,
instead of just layin’ around, you gotta do the opposite of what you feel like.
and i think the example in the book included all kinds of lethargy,
not just depression. get up and take yourself out for a walk when you
don’t feel like it. move around, dance to music, do things you don’t feel like.
force yourself.

and i realize – sometimes we’re tired because we’re tired!
and that needs to be respected.

and then sometimes it needs to have the ol’ opposites worked on it.

so today, i tried to do both.
and both felt really good.

but my gosh, it really is hard to move when you don’t feel like it.

i think of those who deal with severe depression.
it’s gotta be one almighty task to try to get moving.
i’m just tired and it really took some effort.
it seems just about impossible if it was worse than that.

but i’m betting it matters a ton.

so i decided i was going to keep at this for as long as it takes
to get my energy back. and i kinda wanted to do it with those who
are depressed in mind. i wanted to hold them in my heart and
keep pluggin’ away and maybe whisper out to them thru the universe –
‘you’re not alone. i’m thinking of you.’


June 30, 2015

something to consider

i have been losing myself in mark nepo’s writing lately.
i’m now engrossed in his book, ‘seven thousand ways to listen.’

he said something in there that i thought was really worth all of us
thinking about. so i thought i’d share –

‘Facing our inner divisions is the first step to knowing where we need
to rejoin ourselves. You cannot set bone until you know where it is
broken, and you cannot set upon the journey of individuation – of
becoming a whole person – until you know where and how you are

i love the ‘divided’ word.
not broken.

i really love that choice of words.

and i love the thought.
i couldn’t answer you where i thought my inner divisions are right now.
and i think that’s one reason i love this.
it’s really something to chew on and consider.

thought some others might enjoy it as well…….


June 29, 2015

a moment in the coffee shop…

god’s been on my mind.
i’m not even sure how to explain it.
cause i don’t believe in the kinda god a lotta people do.
i talk about god like i do tho, cause it’s just easier to use the words that way.

and i guess that’s it –
i wanted to find my own words.
i wanted to find some sort of way to describe god.
describe what i mean by god.
i wanted to paint my god with words.

so i went down to the coffee shop and thought about it.
scribbled some stuff down.
and saw – i had no words that worked.

i was right next to a window watching the breeze blow thru the leaves of
the trees outside, i was looking at the sky – that for me is sooo much a symbol
of god….and i couldn’t do it. how do you catch the energy that’s in between
what you see? how do you catch the life in the living?

so i started writing about how i couldn’t do it.

and i watched my hand moving the pen…..
the way it just glided along, writing words….
and i thought…..there’s god.
right there.
in whatever is moving my hand.
but how do you capture that?

stuck, i went up to refill my coffee cup.

there was a young woman there filling the napkin holder.
i smiled, said hello, asked her how she was as i helped myself to the coffee.

we chatted for a moment.

and just as i was about to turn back and head to my table,
she asked ‘and how are you?’

she didn’t have to.
it wasn’t necessary.
it was easy to end it all where we were.

but she asked.
and she sounded like she cared.

i smiled, answered her and joked.
that was on the outside.

on the inside things just kinda stopped for me.
and i felt……really FELT….how god was right there.
right there between us.

i had absolutely no words to describe what i meant,
but i was overwhelmed with the feeling.

and for a MOMENT i really understood how god is everywhere.
i went back to my table sure i had no words for what i was feeling.
but still so grateful for the moment and how it filled me.

i decided to drive home and be in my yard with the sky.
as i headed out of the parking lot, i saw some people crossing into a store.
they looked as if they forgot god was there.
‘they just forgot.’ i thought.

we all just forget.
and sometimes we just close the door on it all.
but it doesn’t go away.
whatever that is that i can’t describe –
it doesn’t go away.

we do.
it doesn’t.

and for a moment i really really understood that.


June 29, 2015

need a laugh?!

four old ladies

what old people do for fun

ballroom blitz taxi commercial

berlitz language commercial

starbucks glen commercial

dancing skeleton

sprint crime deterrentphone

clarke & dawe – the front fell off

mental health hotline

June 29, 2015


the fear.
and the trying to protect thru the fear.
oh my gosh.
when will we EVER learn?

i just watched someone stuck in their fear,
and tryin’ really hard to protect themselves.
they finally let go and seem so much happier.

they don’t seem any more safe than they were before….
but way happier.

well, gosh,
couldn’t we just say that about me recently?
and me lots of times.

it’s so much easier seeing it in someone else.
it just makes so much sense that all that struggle they’re doing
to stay safe and protect themselves is a waste and a wrestle they don’t need.
and we need to be patient til they figure it out.
it’s so easy to see when someone else is doin’ it.


but when we do it?
it seems so necessary.
it seems so important.
it seems so consuming.



it doesn’t help a thing.
hurts a ton.
and slows us down.

i see it clearly now.
now let’s see if i can live it clearly for oh…..
maybe a full weekend?

gonna try.


June 25, 2015

it’s a good ol’ age

it’s a good ol’ age.
this being ‘older’
it’s a good ol’ age and i really saw that as i sat and talked with a friend today.

we talked about a whole lotta different things.
and i gotta say our age showed thru the topics.
in a really cool way.

there’s been a lotta learning along the way,
a lotta growing, and more and more understanding sinking in.

and then we talked of things we loved to do –

and we can do them now.
we have the time to do them now.
and we’re no longer in that place where we gotta give ourselves away over and over again.

it’s our time.

so we’ve got this time,
we’ve got these passions,
and we’ve got a little more understanding of life.

i came home from the meet up feeling inspired.

it’s a good ol’ age.
and it’s up to us to make it ours.

toasting ‘older’ women and who we’ve grown to be!