journal

musings and ponderings…

July 29, 2015

winston and us

so okay.
it’s been an odd day over here.
i was a bit worn out.
um…a lotta worn out.
so i went with it.
decided to allow any laziness that wanted to come along.
decided to do quiet things.

and then this evening when even quiet things were too much,
i lay myself down and watched a documentary on winston churchill.

yeah.
it’s been an odd day.

it was at the end and they were quoting him and i thought of us.
you guys and me.
i thought of how we surround each other and support each other
and help each other.

and i was filled with gratitude.

the quote?
‘Let us move steadfastly into the storm and through the storm.’

that’s us.
we are what came to mind.
i thought that was pretty darn awesome and had to share.

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July 28, 2015

five beautiful steps

i’m guessin’ it’s five steps.
probably no more than that.
and these five steps taken every tuesday
are one of the highlights of my entire week.

those steps are taken by the guy who picks up my trash.
and for me they’re code for ‘kindness received. kindness returned.’
and somehow they take the weight of the world off and remind me
that good is here. let it in.

once a week now i’ve been getting that reminder.
and each time i’m thrilled with the flood of good feelings
that come over me.

when it gets hot, i leave cold drinks out for the trash guys.
when i had a ton of trash, i started leaving cookies along with the drinks!
this delighted me and now i look for treats for the trash guys when
i go to the grocery store. it’s just fun to do and the kid in me
claps with delight over leaving goodies out to be found.

i get so much joy out of it, it’s silly.
but it’s fun for me, i expect nothing in return,
and i figure it’s one of the hardest most thankless jobs and a little
showing of kindness here and there has got to help.

so there’s two trash days.
both days my trash cans are put back at least off the street.
but on tuesdays, they’re put in with extra extra care.
an extra five steps into the yard.
placed neatly in the shade.

tuesdays the extra kind trash guy comes by.
takes five steps in my yard to return the cans and let me know
he appreciates the goodies.

he has no idea that he is one of my biggest reminders that
the world is filled with beauty. he has no idea that he lights
up my life once a week with those steps he takes.

we don’t have a clue what our actions mean.
we really don’t.
why not offer them with kindness whenever we can?
why not take the extra five steps in?

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July 27, 2015

closed anything doesn’t sound good……

i’m trying to learn about things.
instead of just assuming i know,
instead of just easy emotional answers,
instead of just what i’ve thought all along –
i’m trying to learn a little bit.

and no, i can’t claim too many points for that –
as at 54, one could say it was about time!

but i am starting at a great place –
i don’t know much of anything.
which makes the world wide open.

so i bought a little paperback on economics.

from amazon.
checked out all these great reviews and figured i had a winner.
wow.
what i had was an author who couldn’t seem to get past his anger
and arrogance.

i tried to look beyond that.
get the message.
i don’t have to always like the tone to learn something.
but it got so i couldn’t take it,
and was done.

deciding to go back to amazon to look at the bad reviews,
i could see a few people felt the same way.
including one that described it as ‘oddly angry.’
and in response to their reviews,
they got snarky comments.

wow.

i didn’t realize you could comment to reviews.
and i didn’t realize people took that as free reign to be mean.
i went ahead and reported a few of the meaner comments
just because it seemed right to point out that these were doing no good.

and thru it all, i could see reinforcement of exactly why i was trying to
learn something. over and over i saw people not listening,
spouting emotions to spout emotions and lots of closed minds.

granted, that tends to be the way of comments on the internet.
i understand that.

but i have been seeing it around me a lot –
in all different flavors of people.
doesn’t matter if you’re left, right, young, old, male, female –
it seems we’ve forgotten the valuing of thinking.

that keeps impressing me over and over.
i would guess things really aren’t that different out there than
they were last year.
i’m guessin’ i’ve just waken up to the realization that if i don’t
keep learning, i begin to close.
i believe it’s me who’s different.
i believe i have been closed.
and i believe i’m ready to learn.

and since the whole point, for me, is to have an open heart,
i’m thinking the open mind plays right into that.

closed anything doesn’t sound so great.

and while i’m no more enlightened about economics,
i sure am reminded how anger will taint you.
and i figure that in itself is a good lesson.

now…..on to the next book…..
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July 24, 2015

oh man.

quick and short today –
just a one line quote for you to take into the weekend.

to take into the rest of your life –

it’s from my man, mark nepo.
in his book ‘seven thousand ways to listen’ –

‘Deep listening mixes the grit of our humanness
with the dust of the stars.’

oh man.
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July 23, 2015

god’s in my yard – and the mud

today was my earth day.

it is the most incredible july summer day you could ever ask for.
it’s almost impossibly beautiful.

so, of course, i had to go out in it a bit.
i went and did a little yard work.
just to be part of it.

and as i wandered around i felt like i was in the grandest
cathedral ever.

it’s funny, because i don’t think anyone else would feel
this way about my yard. but doesn’t matter.
as long as i do.

i felt so open to all that was greater than i.

and i came in filled with joy.

those two things definitely seem to go hand in hand.

figuring the rest of the day i’d be in,
i settled in to work.
smiling and joyful.
and ready to concentrate.

but then…..

i found out the guys were gonna take a break
and come over and help dig a trench we needed dug,
i figured i should join them.

it was my duty of course.
and um……it was outside!
i had tons of work waiting for me…
but well…
it was my duty.
this trench WAS for my house after all.

it was normal regular digging UNTIL zakk went and
got the pressure washer.

we were trying to dig around roots and take care of a tree.
the idea was to use the water to make a tunnel under
the roots.

so you put the pressure washer down in the holes you
dug to kinda tunnel thru and under the roots.

oh ho ho ho ho ho ho……..

who knew this would make such a delightfully muddy mess?!

well, i guess anyone who thought it thru.

and there were the guys….
needing to get back to work,
not really ready to take a mud bath.

and sooooo
it was my duty of course.

i mean…
i had to.

i got covered in mud.
wonderfully covered.
it was all over me.
even in my teeth.

i think i opened my mouth when i was laughing
as the mud splurted up all into my face.

we had to stop.
work was calling.
we’d put in all the time we could.
and i was filthy.
well.
i was earthy.

that’s different.

i’m showered now.
clean.
tryin’ to work.
lookin’ out my window at
this impossibly beautiful day.

feeling like i touched god in my joy today.
feeling like god wrapped around me in the earth today.

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July 22, 2015

stop and think on this. it really is big.

okay….i read this and it really hit me as wisdom.

it’s from mark nepo’s ‘seven thousand ways to listen’ –

‘So much depends on whether we see everything we meet as alive
or inert. When we meet things, looking for the life they hold,
we tend to listen and receive. We tend to engage and join.
When we meet things as lifeless and inert, we tend to observe
and manipulate.’

i’m watchin’.
and i’m seein.
this really really really really makes a difference in how
you live and how you experience life.

i definitely lean towards seeing things as alive.
but really seeing this lately makes me want to step
into that way of living even deeper…….

totally wanted to share this one.

July 21, 2015

things bumping into each other…

i’m on to something.
but i don’t know what.
figured i’d start it here and see where it goes.

because of an interesting mix of conversations/events
the last couple of days, several different things
bumped into each other in my brain.

there’s this –

the whole struggle with ever really being loved for who i am.
i’m bettin’ you know that one.

thing is….
it comes in two really different angles.
and while i knew that, i don’t think i’ve ever really sat down
with it before.

until now.

there’s this angle –
the ‘enough’ stuff that comes from my depths –
that feeling that you’re just not enough the way you are
and you have to BE something for someone else.

but then i argued that.

it’s not always that.

while there’s the ‘i’m not enough’
or i’m damaged or broken, or malfunctioning.
or just not normal enough the way i am,
at other times there’s this –

i KNOW that i am enough.
in fact, i know i’m really full of light and love and goodness.
i just don’t think anyone else can really see it.
they see what they want to.
so even when they say that they see it, they’re seeing what they want
to meet their own needs and it’ll always come around to they
don’t really see what’s there.
and somehow i’ll disappoint them.

those are two really different angles.

i am enough.
i am not enough.

how come?
how can i hold both at different times?

maybe i just can.
maybe that’s being human and it’s nothing more than what
the circumstance brings up.

OR

maybe it has everything to do with my inner child and me.

maybe one of us thinks one of these angles.
and the other thinks the other.
and depending on what’s goin’ on depends on who shows up.

i have no idea if this is truly the case or not.
have no idea if it could help or not.

but this just came to me today
and it feels really really possible
and really like it could make a difference with my inner work.

so i just had to shoot it out here……

it helps me think.
and with any luck, it’ll help someone else think too.

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July 20, 2015

inspiration

i got a chance this weekend to watch not one-
but TWO great things that filled me with inspiration.

i had been wanting to watch ‘the belle of amherst’
for awhile now. it’s with julie harris and it’s from
the 1970’s! it’s a one woman play with julie portraying
emily dickinson.

i actually remember my mom watching it when i was
a teen. i was in the room. wasn’t interested,
was doing something else, but couldn’t help hearing
it. it didn’t take long for me to be hooked. i sat
myself down on the floor and just watched. completely
absorbed.

remembering that and thinking if it was good enough to
hook a teen – i wanted to check it out again.

i am so glad i did.

then, after enjoying that completely, i wanted to
see another one person production, so i rounded up
hal holbrook doin’ ‘mark twain tonite.’

ohmygosh.

between the two of these, i was over the moon filled
with inspiration.

in so many ways.
and one of the big things it made me notice –
it’d been far too long since i had fed myself with
vids that were of such great quality.

i found myself wanting to play with words,
and work on my writing.
i found myself wanting to play with my thoughts
and work on my thinking.
i was in awe of the dazzling talent.
i was in awe of the incredible minds.

i was so filled with inspiration, i didn’t even
know how to describe it to anyone.

i walked around just saying ‘wow’ for long periods
of time after watching. actually, there’s still some wows
echoing inside of me.

and i was reminded of all that was out there for me
to explore.

let’s not forget that.
or when we do…let’s come on back to remembering.
because it’s something too cool to lose because we get
sidetracked with things that don’t matter.

there’s so much for us to grasp and take in and
play with and explore and grow with.

i’m thinking i don’t want to miss it!

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July 17, 2015

talk about perspective

i took some time today to visit with two of my sons.
it felt really good and it’d been a long time since
we had that kinda visit.
so i snagged it.
and didn’t rush it.

when i got back in,
there was an emergency project waiting for me that
rearranged the rest of the day.

and put life in perspective.

and made me glad i had snagged the time i did today.

it was a project for someone who just got the news
that her friend was told he had two months to live.

a beautiful man who had offered so much to everyone around him.
a man still young enough to be expecting many more years.

i helped this friend with a project.
and thought there was nothing better i could offer here
today than the reminder that we have no idea how long
we’ve got.

what we have is a gift.

and it is up to us to keep our priorities straight
and our hearts open and to live this gift we’ve
been given.
and to appreciate those we’ve got around us.

another good message to take into a weekend.

July 16, 2015

making some space

i have been workin’ really really really hard lately.
tryin’ my best and diggin’ in with gusto.
pushin’ negative thoughts
and discouragement to the ground.
was doin’ good with it all –
and then i ran into a darn brick wall yesterday.
bam! smack! ouch!
i crumbled.

the tears came, the discouragement washed over me
and i couldn’t rally. the only thing being pushed to the
ground, was me.

so i quit and headed over to my guy’s house with him.
bumped into the painter who’s painting the place.
wow.
she was putting in some major long hours doin’ some
major hard work. physically exhausting stuff.
told her i was tired when i came over, but she inspired me.

i thought, ‘man, terri, if she can do all that, you can
hang in there, girl.’ i decided to turn today around.
but we all know, easier said than done.

this morning i was aware the day could turn really bad in
my mind if i let it. and i wanted to turn it around in a
GOOD way –
so i did some stuff that i knew would help get me more solid.
did all the little things i could think of.

and by the time i was finishing up doin’ some cooking (which was
one of the little things that centers me) i had a whole new
attitude.

i thought about how yesterday i had just wished it was easier.
life.
not just the challenges i was dealing with during the day,
but some other challenges i was hearing about around me.
and yeah, i do wish some of it was easier.

but not all of it.
not the challenges that got me down yesterday.
as i stood there wiping the counter,
i realized i was okay with them.
i wanted to conquer them.
i wanted to do it.
i wanted to rise to the challenge and win.

and i just got knocked over.
and now i was up again.
and ready.

and i think the only way that attitude change
was gonna happen this morning
was by making room for it to come to me.
not by forcing it.
but by making room, doing those terri things to center,
and by just letting it come.

wow.
why on earth don’t i do this more often?!