journal

musings and ponderings…

August 4, 2016

here’s a thought

okay, i’m thinking i’ve had this thought before.
and yeah, very possible i shared it before.
but i’m gonna go with this scattered
menopausal mind
and just figure that we need to make allowances
for weird brain capacities now.

yesterday i had the weirdest mix-up thing happen
cause of my weird brain capacity. and i guess i shoulda
been embarrassed, but it turned out so fun, that i wasn’t.
and i realized i really gotta just go with this. it can add
a lot to my days!

ah, but i digress…..

so….let me see…….the thought –

betrayal. disappointments. people not seeing who we are.

all that stuff really hurts.

was reminded of some of it this morning.
shook my head and wondered how they could have done
what they did.

and then it occurred to me.
there’s a really high chance that all the people (or most of them)
that i feel betrayed by, disappointed in, or not seen by,
have the same feeling about/from me.
they feel the same stuff.
like i did the same thing to them.
which is weird.

i mean seriously?!

YOU did the betraying.
not me.

ahem.
i think they’d say the same thing.

different angles.
different viewpoints.

hurts all around.

(okay. this does NOT apply to abuse situations
and i’m not even goin’ near that, okay? so don’t do that.
this is the every day kinda stuff…haven’t thought
about abuse. that’s another blog…)

so.
while i think some people have some pretty big issues
and twist things and may actually be the ones who did
the disappointing or whatever –
at the very same time – and because they can twist things –
they feel the same towards me – like i did the hurting.

and sometimes there just are times when both parties
truly have just equally disappointed each other.

the point is –
that for whatever reason,
my actions, choices, words have been taken as betrayal
and hurt and disappointment to others as much as i’ve
experienced it from others.

and that feels like something important to understand.

there’s so many takes to it –
if someone misunderstands your intentions and twists things
because of their issues did YOU hurt them?

no.

but none of that matters.

the only point and thing i really want to get across here is
that it occurred to me today that people are carrying as much
hurt about me as i am about them.

and maybe the most light filled thing to do is to know that,
set it all down –
all of it –
and keep moving forward as gently as possible
with intentions we can keep believing in.

that was my thought this morning.
i thought there was power in it.
well – power in the carrying out of it.
which, um…..now i gotta try to do.

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August 3, 2016

so, yeah, okay, i’m scared.

i was just walkin’ around the house
trying to feel what i was feeling.
and i finally said out loud –
so, yeah, okay, i’m scared.
so there.

i’m scared.
the generation above me isn’t getting old –
they’re old.
and dying.
which means – yep –

*i* am GETTING old.
okay…..i’ve got a few toes into old already.

and i’ve had to face the fact that life is short,
and things don’t always turn out the way you want,
altho sometimes really cool things show up you
didn’t even know where out there…

but you know what i mean –
this is it!!
let me shriek that a little louder –

THIS IS IT!!

and the distractions that have always been there
aren’t.
and it’s time for me to be me.
and for me to step into all the things i’ve been thinking about
for years now. be who i want to be.

it’s time to put the distractions down and own what’s left.

and wow…..is that ever freaky.

and way cool.

and it really helps to figure out i’m scared.

the day is beautiful today.
it’s just a stunningly gorgeous day outside.
and i feel like it’s mine.
and it’s telling me –
it’s way way cool, terri,
this time you’re in.
it’s way way cool
own it.

and i want to answer with a teary ‘okay, i’ll try.’
but the second i think of doin’ that,
i picture the wind swooping down and kicking
my butt!~
“that’s not owning it now, is it??” it’d howl at me.

nah. it’s not.

okay. okay.

i think i’m gonna own it.

snort.
snort.
snort.

i better run for cover from the wind –
and as i’m running – i can stretch out my arms –
and own it!!

 

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August 2, 2016

a plan man

so i’ve been thinking about this whole
walk your talk stuff.
man, it’s hard!
i can see why a whole lotta people just
talk the talk and walk something different.

so i’m tryin’ to figure out what the heck the talk is
and then stumble along and figure out how to walk it.
and i’ve been feeling it.
sometimes overwhelmed.
sometimes glum.
sometimes confused.
sometimes not wanting to.

so i came up with a plan that i’ve been doin’ for
two whole days now. and so far it’s working.

move.

that’s the plan.

just move.

get up and exercise.
work hard when i’m at work.
take care of all the house stuff i’ve been letting go
of because it’s too hot and i’m too lazy.
just kinda bite into life.

i figured it was bite into life and get the blood flowin’,
or get overwhelmed and sink a bit.

and i didn’t feel like sinking.
so i’m moving.

i’m still equally as overwhelmed and confused and all those things –
i’m just moving a lot faster feeling that way.
and that makes me laugh.

i figure i don’t have some answers i’d like to have right now.
but i’ve been around long enough to know they’ll come when i’m ready.
so, i’m gonna trust that – and as ol’ rilke says –
i’m gonna live my way into the answers.

at least, that’s the plan right now…….

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August 1, 2016

nothing lasts forever…

something happened this weekend
that had me sad, shaking my head,
and thinking that nothing lasts forever.

i’m sure it didn’t comfort my partner any,
when i curled in, cried on his shoulder and
said thru tears ‘nothing lasts.’

i’m thinking that wouldn’t have made me feel too settled
if the roles were reversed –
and perhaps i better back track and tell him what i came
up with since then –

i don’t think anything lasts forever.
things change.
constantly.
daily.
always.
and if we don’t pay attention to the changes,
and adjust and grow – the good part of stuff goes away.

BUT if we DO pay attention and change too,
incredible things can grow. it won’t be static.
it won’t be this thing we started out with,
it won’t be a certain anything –
it will be fluid and deep and real.

sure, you say.
that’s a no brainer.

sigh.
for me, it’s a constant constant constant struggle to remember
and follow thru on.

i was thinking about my kids (all young men, but i call them ‘kids’
here on purpose) – i feel like the last year has been one heck of
a teacher for me in changing so that we have a real relationship.
i have had to learn that they aren’t my kids anymore. even if i
said i knew that but added something cute like ‘they’ll always be
my babies.’

no, they won’t.
they aren’t.
things change.

young men are exactly that.
young men.
and unless i truly adapt and change along with them,
we won’t have a relationship of meaning.

so easy to say.
so darn hard to really truly deeply do.

friends.
partners.
family members.
any relationships.
it’s the same.
and if we’re not paying attention to the changes –
there’s a good chance that the good stuff will go away.
and things will die.

i let a relationship die this weekend.
it takes two to keep a relationship.
i believe we both killed it.
it makes me sad.
and it makes me aware.

and it makes me really really really want to keep changing.

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July 29, 2016

surrender

i was showing two of my sons the new ‘bits’
that came in recently. they’re the little set of
cards i’ll be offering that have a single word
on each little one. you toss them in a bowl
and grab one or two when you need a little guidance.

they knew i was working on them, and will
be putting them up on the site for me soon,
so i was showing them.

as they browsed thru them they came to the
word ‘surrender.’ and BOTH of them reacted.
both were surprised that word was in there.

(other words in there are things like  –
gratitude, allow, release, tenderness, trust…
that kinda thing.)

i was surprised they were surprised.

and then the conversation began on what
surrender meant to each of us.

i told them of a time i surrendered.
and how it was then that there was space for my life to shift.

they saw it as a giving up in a bad way.

is it a guy thing??
i really wonder?
or just really varied from individual to individual?

it made me curious.
and it made me think of the whole opening and listening
thing i keep goin’ on and on about.

how do we possibly have conversations with each
other when our words can mean such different things?
we think we’re communicating,
but how many times is the meaning getting changed
thru the interpretation of words?

lots, i’m thinking.

it’s actually kinda tiring to think about.
but seems so very important.

and like a great thought to carry into the weekend…
let’s remember that we’re not all thinking/hearing/
interpreting in the same way and let’s try really hard
to work with that as best we can.

(and let’s take lots naps and eat really good snacks
in between all that!)

want to?

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July 28, 2016

psst!!!

you guys…..i musta mentioned the weekly email here?
maybe more than once?!
this is what happens when you lose part of your brain
and you’re too attention deficit to look things up –

so bear with my scattered self….

the weekly email has morphed into weekly exclusive
deals for the subscribers on that list.
it’s kinda fun for me,
i feel like we’ve got a secret clubhouse and i get
to whisper and grin.

they go out on thursdays and this week’s just went out.

i don’t want to just post the newsletter here like
i generally do as the whole point of being exclusive
is you need to be on the list!

they’re brief, include a deal, and then some odds and ends.

so if you have any desire to be on this list,
you can sign up here.

come on into the clubhouse and we’ll play some games!

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July 27, 2016

what if…

what if everyone (mostly) had great great things
to offer?? BUT what if we didn’t always access
what they had to offer because we approached life
so differently? what if our differences just plain ol’
got in the way and blocked the good stuff?

well, we’d miss out on a ton, yes??

oh, gosh, my partner and i come to mind right away
with this thought. we’re very very different people.
we woulda never met up thru any matchin’ website
as we woulda bounced off each other’s radar as totally
incompatible. we had to sorta be thrown together for
a bit to figure out that the other, while different, really
did have much to offer.

and i’m thinking it’s true all over the darn place.

people we know that kinda make us turn our heads sideways
when we think of them. when we crinkle up our faces
and think ‘nah, they just don’t get it.’ –
well, maybe they don’t.
but maybe they get something totally different that
we don’t get. and maybe they can help us see that.
and maybe combining the two ways of looking at things
can bring us to a third new one that’s even cooler.

i’m thinking that missing what people have to offer
is way more prevalent than we realize.
and i’m thinking that we just need the access code to
these other people.

i thought it was about ‘making space.’
that if you made space for people, you could get to the gold
they had to offer.

and maybe it’s exactly the same thing, only different words –
what if you talked their language?

what if you dropped your language and tried to talk with them
more from their angle?

what does that mean?
i don’t know.
but i’m thinking that our words and phrases and opinions and
the whole darn mix of our ‘identity’ that we carry around blocks
a lot from coming in.

that, while yes, we need to be true to who we are,
at the same time, the more open and willing we are to step into
someone else’s space for the time we’re with them,
the more we’re gonna learn and grow.

it actually feels like an exciting thought.
if everyone you encounter has something really cool to offer,
and you just need to access it – by being as open as you can –
well, that sounds pretty darn awesome.

and like a lotta work.
cause you’d have to remember this when it’s a challenge.

it could be where it’s the biggest challenge is where there’s
the most gain….

i am loving this!

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July 26, 2016

there she goes again…

i can’t help it you guys,
i’m really getting to the point where i want
to just stand on the roof and shout –
SHUT UP AND LISTEN!

and yes,
i want to shout it at myself too!

i’ve been watching.
and i see my weaker places.
where i tend to talk more than i listen.
where the feelings of another go by me
because i was too quick to reply to something
that really wasn’t the point.

i’ve gotten frustrated with myself as i see
myself doin’ it again and again.
it’s like a bad habit.
i guess it IS a bad habit!
but i’m pleased that i’m paying attention
and getting a little bit better.

but jeesh it’s hard.

i think we gotta start with letting go of some of our views.
we don’t have to have a view on everything.
or – maybe we can have a view,
but we don’t have to say it out loud at every moment.
maybe we can just hear what the other person is saying
and respond to that.

i’m thinking responding to what someone is saying
RARELY calls for anyone to share their view.
and when it does, maybe blend it in and ask what the
other person thinks.

if you find yourself sharing your view and leaving it there –
without any follow up on what the other person feels or
thinks – you’re not listening.

there are obvious things that come to mind –
especially now in the political atmosphere –
and maybe that’s a good big place to start.
maybe the bigger the place, the easier it is.
it’s more obvious and easier to catch.

but it’s the tiny little moments i’m talking about.
when you just don’t hear someone’s feelings that
they’re sharing cause you have a view that you need
to lay at their feet.

now, more than ever, i wish we’d stop doin’ that
and just walk freely together learning how to listen.

shhhh

July 25, 2016

it really struck me…

i’ve been enjoying a book someone gifted me.
but last nite, it went beyond enjoyment to wow.
one tiny little part of it,
that didn’t feel tiny at all –

it was about adam and eve of all things.
adam and eve? seriously?
i’m not religious and that whole story doesn’t
really come up in my life much.

but when i was a kid, i heard it often in church.
and as a kid, i came away with two main thoughts
each time i heard it –

i was kinda disgusted at eve for doin’ that as now it was gonna
hurt whenever i did have babies when i was grown up –
and that she was bad.

yeah.
those were my thoughts as a kid.

when i experienced childbirth years and years later
as THE most powerful and amazing experience of my life,
i thought back to that story. shook my head at the negative
shades i had carried about childbirth for ages and then
didn’t think of it again.

it wasn’t til reading last nite that i realized some part of
me still carried around that eve was bad.

and then i read this –

“What I came to appreciate was how the transgression of Eve
was an act of courage that led us out of the garden into the
wilderness. Who wants to be a goddess when we can be human?
Perfection is a flaw disguised as control. The moment Eve bit
into the apple, her eyes opened and she became free. She
exposed the truth of what every woman knows: to find our
sovereign voice often requires a betrayal. We just have to
make certain we do not betray ourselves. For a woman or a man
to speak from the truth of their  heart is to break taboo.
The mask is removed. The snake who tempted Eve was not
the Devil, but her own instinctive nature saying, Honor
your hunger and feed yourself.

(that comes from ‘when women were birds’ by terry tempest williams)

the moment i read that,
i just stopped.

and i realized that i had been carrying around that i was bad like eve.

not in that sentence form, of course.
but in the feeling.

i have had my eve moment.
where i was banned from the garden and sent out into the world.
and while i knew i had to do what i did –
some part of me, way way down deep, always thought i was bad.
and courageous? no i never ever thought that.

i reread it.
we just have to make certain we do not betray ourselves.
yes.
breaking taboo.
wow.
the mask is removed.
and can never be put back on.

what an excruciating break
and painful removal.
but it was all part of ‘honoring my hunger and feeding myself.’

and yes, it was courageous.

sometimes i, (we, i would guess) carry around weights
and judgments of ourselves, and needless shames…..
and we don’t even realize they’re in there.

until something like a few lines from a book come tumbling in.

the messages i came away with from the adam and eve readings in church
were wrong. they were kid views that didn’t know any better.

i’ve traveled a long way since then,
lived out my own creation story,
and can see now, that any kid views that linger inside me,
are equally as wrong.

i didn’t even know i was carrying them.
and now that i know, it’s time to put them down.

amazing what freedom a new thought can bring.

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July 22, 2016

over and over again…

judgments.
they come so quickly.
they’re everywhere lately.
feels like more than ever.
i can drown in ’em.

so i’m thinking that’s it’s really important
right now for me not to add to the din.

and that’s work.
and awareness.
and more work.

i was talkin’ to someone this morning and i found myself
wanting to shake my head at their attitude.

and yes, a judgment was forming in my little ol’ noggin.

and then i stopped myself and thought of his upbringing
and what his life has been like and i had that thought
that changes everything –

the ol’ ‘there but for the grace of god go i’ –

that line really does change a lot for me.
puts a lot in perspective.
and makes me shut up and listen.
and think.

i’m kinda wishin’ the whole world would shut up and listen
and think right now.

and chant ‘there but for the grace of god go i.’

thought it might be a nice thought to bring into the weekend.
i’ll definitely be carrying it with me.
and trying hard to remember it when i’m most distracted.

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