wowzers

i have no idea how to express this.
even if i had the words,
i certainly don’t have the understanding.
just some sorta feeling.

but that’s never stopped me before!
there’s a shift.
and i mean A SHIFT goin’ on inside me right now.

perhaps this happens every twenty years or so.
’cause as i type this, that seems very possible.

maybe each shift brings me to a broader and wider place.
and maybe this place is simply the next step for me.

whatever the case,
it’s been brought on by my sons.
all three of ’em.

there’s josh, my incredibly articulate astronomy savvy son who has
dived back into the stars with gusto.
there’s noah, the photographer who grabs my soul with his photos –
who has taken up astrophotography.
and there’s zakk, my biking buddy who has been having marvelous
conversations with me, expanding my thoughts and nudging me
further as we pedal along.

i think those three things, mixed with a lotta other things,
made me ‘ready’ to ‘see’ the vastness of space.
of course, i don’t really mean SEE.
i mean – widened my eyes with wonder, awe, and who knows…maybe
even a little fear.
i mean – maybe grasp that it’s so huge i’ll never grasp anything close
to an understanding.
i mean – all of that which i have always had – only this time, much more
in my awareness and maybe in my gut.

cause guys – it’s big.
i mean REALLY REALLY big.
SO big that i realize a lot of the thoughts i have about my existence,
god, the universe, everything – are too small.
they’re just too limited and small for me right now.

and then – toss in that josh reminded me that this vastness goes
the other way as well – way down deep beyond atoms into the vastness
of whatever mystery that all is.

none of this is news to me.
but how i’m processing it is new.
things that i have gotten comfortable with aren’t fitting anymore.

i have absolutely no idea what to do with this.
i know what i don’t want/can’t do right now.
it’s the stuff that makes me feel like my heart shrinks,
or stuff that makes me feel really confined.
that much i know.

but what is it i should turn to?

i have no idea.
but something happened yesterday that has me thinking
i need to turn to my imaginary friends right now.

yeah.
can you just believe that?!
what kinda solution is that?
it’s mine.
and it’s a start.

so yeah, the blogs may get a little strange.
in fact, i’d like to tell the story that happened yesterday.
i’ll try that tomorrow.
why?
why the heck would i put the weird out here?
because i don’t know what else to do.
if these are to be real, then they need to cover what’s
goin’ on with me.
and who knows, maybe part of my figurin’ it out will
come this way.
we shall see.

anyway,
that’s where i am.
and i have no idea where i will go from here.
stay with me?
it could be a lotta fun.