undercurrents

undercurrents

our quote of the day today
is the quote above –
‘undercurrents.’

can you read it there?
it says –

‘scratch the surface
of her joy
and you will find a well
of sorrow.
dive into the well
and discover her spring of hope.
follow that spring to the river
of her strength, compassion and faith…
and you will have touched her soul.’


it’s our quote of the day today
because tomorrow is my birthday,
and this is the only bone sigh i ever wrote
as a description of who i am.

i wrote it way way way back in the early days.
and it wasn’t until posting it in this blog that i realized
how incredible the title is!

how have i never seen that before?!

i lived a life of ‘undercurrents.’
there was a lot of not seeing me and non honest communication –
undercurrents.
undercurrents of who i SHOULD be and what i SHOULD do –
undercurrents telling me that i didn’t matter –
that it was the role that i played that mattered.

i wanted a life where i could claim who i really was
and one where i was honestly seen and accepted.

if that was just by me, i was okay with that.
that would be enough.
at least I would do that for myself.
and i exploded my life to make that happen.

you don’t just switch lives.
it takes a long time, a lotta strength, and a whole
lotta humility and willingness to change and grow.
i’ve been workin’ hard on all of that.
i have blown it many times.
and i have taken many steps forward.
it’s a lifetime of work ahead of me.

when i read this quote this morning,
i remembered sharing it with someone i thought
was helping me become more and change my life.
as i said – you don’t just switch –
and who you allow in is a learning curve.
this person, who is no longer in my life,
was sure that i wrote this about her.
and she was thrilled with it.
i remember feeling stunned and not wanting to hurt
her feelings and just kinda going with it.

yes, i have come a long way,
and no, i would not handle it the same now.
but how interesting, huh?
i had finally written something about myself –
and then immediately gave it away.
or…PRETENDED to give it away.

that is such a snapshot of where i came from.
today, as i reflect upon it all,
i cannot get over the journey i have been on.

i still give myself away more than i want to.
but! i have become so much stronger and more aware.
and i have filled my life with people who see me.
i have been thinking hard lately about ‘claiming me’ more and more.
no hiding – claiming.
and letting life deal with that.

hiding is still a key protection for me.
and yeah, i spose there’s times to use that –
but not often.

as my hero, jordan peterson, would say –
‘tell the truth – or just don’t lie.’

that little piece of advice leads me right into not hiding.

tomorrow i turn 59.
i cannot be more grateful for the journey of my life.
for the gift of traveling
and for the love that i have that encourages me to be more.

while i feel like a completely different person than i was
when i wrote this – i read it, and feel very much the same.
i guess that’s the mystery of the journey, huh?
i am the same as i always was,
and totally different.
and i hope, with every part of me, i can keep saying that
every year as i grow older.
because it’s more than just GETTING older –
it’s GROWING older.

and i so want that.