still fuzzy yet exciting…

i think one of the most amazing
and discouraging things
about myself (ourselves)
is our ability to trick ourselves
without our even knowing it.

and ‘trick’ isn’t always the right word.
sometimes it’s ‘deceive’
or ‘blind’ or a million other words like those.

so when i stumble upon a way i’m doing that to myself,
i get totally tickled.

this happened yesterday.
and it’s all still fuzzy –
but i’m pretty darn excited anyway.

this is something i do to have some sense of control
when i’m feeling in shaky territory.

so, i think, how this is works is –
i find myself in a spot where i don’t feel comfortable.
so i go to my default setting –
playing the role i feel i’m ‘supposed’ to play,
and hiding who i am.

i could give you all the background reasons for feeling
i need to play certain roles – but that doesn’t really matter.
what matters is it used to be a way of life for me,
it was unhealthy, and i don’t need it anymore.
BUT it is my go-to when i feel uncomfortable in being me.
and it is the place i find some sense of control.
the more i can be who i perceive i am needed to be,
the more i can control the situation and make it all ‘okay.’

wow! how cool is that?!
well, not cool that i do this…..but way cool that i finally see it.

how i discovered it is i noticed stress in myself,
as well as some sorta ‘distance’ in myself.
where i had a hard time connecting to me.
so as i looked, i saw i kinda ‘left.’
and then as i looked more, i saw why/how.

and here’s the thing –
i WANT to get totally comfortable in being who i am
in every situation i am in.

as i type this, i shake my head.
how is it a woman who is 58 years old is still working on this?
and then i smile, cause i know i’m not the only one.

i think discovering this is huge.

and something i keep seeing over and over lately is that a lot of things
i want to adjust could be adjusted if i just slow down in my responses.
if i slow down, the responses don’t have to be reactions –
the can be genuine responses.

loving how all this is fitting together.
and thinking i need about 500 more years to get this all untangled.