starting to sink in…

i read something years ago
that i never really quite got.
until maybe this morning.
still not sure if this is what was meant,
but this is what came to me as i walked.

i landed in a funk yesterday.
the stuff was already floating around inside me,
but i think i woulda had a good day and missed the funk
if it were not for some buttons that got pushed
inside me from a conversation with my husband.

so, to be clear,
he didn’t really do anything wrong.
just his personality worked offa my buttons and bam.
a funk rolled over me.

thing is,
like i say, this stuff was already inside me.
but i’m not so sure i’d be looking at it today
if i had been on my own yesterday.
i’m not sure how much i’d be looking at it at all.

which i think is an interesting point.
i bring up the relationship part because hiding from them seems way easier
than doing the work involved sometimes.

but what about this….

there i was. looking.
because i was pushed into it.
not because i wanted to.
and today as i walked, i thought about how i don’t know
this part of me much and i don’t know what to do with this part of me.
and i usually just avoid situations that bring this part of me out.

and that’s when i remembered what i read years ago.
something about we’re here to experience what we do not know.
that’s how you discover and become more of who you are.
that i can’t find what i need to find without this experience.
and i certainly wouldn’t go looking for it without the push.

all of that is the gift.
all of that is the point.

or something like that.

huh.

changes the perspective, doesn’t it?

well, it does for me.
and then it didn’t as i got swallowed up again.
and then it did as i remembered this thought again.
and well,
i’m thinking it may be a little bit of a roller coaster for a bit.

which, yeah….is part of the experience.