not okay anymore

i came across some old photos
of myself this weekend.
different ages –
all above 20 years old.

what struck me was how thin i was.
and how fat i felt.

i sat there staring at them just stunned.

how could i possibly have thought i was fat?

well, actually, i know how.
and the how has to do with other people.
and my believing them.

so my first reaction was anger at myself.
‘how COULD you believe that garbage and take it in
and not see at all?!’
but i’m pleased to say, i answered that with self compassion.
cause i was where i was and i was who i was.
and there were reasons for all of it.
and it’s all part of the road we travel.

okay.
i can understand that.
sure, there’s some sadness in it all for me.
but a whole lot of understanding as well.
and self compassion for sure.

here’s the cool part –
(well, the coolER part, cause that self compassion
part is pretty cool too!) –
this terri doesn’t have to do/believe/think the way that terri did.

i’ve come a long way baby.
and i have the strength to not only look,
but to see now.
(and no, i’m not just talking about my body image)

i am just recently coming out of a major funk.
a knocked me over and sent me spiraling time here.
the biggest lesson i got out of the whole deal
is how important it is to see clearly.
and i am bound and determined to do so.
in some cases it’s going to take some work.
but i’ve got the drive,
and i’m here rarin’ to go.
it is something i want to work at for the rest of my life.

looking at these pictures i saw how totally wrong i saw myself.
and that’s not okay any more.

i not only need to really see all those around me,
i have GOT to see me as well.
it honestly feels like the key to a healthy life.

i’m keeping these photos out as reminders.

it’s not about what anyone tells us,
or what we’ve been taught to believe.
it’s up to us to look, see and accept what is real.

and i can’t believe how easy it is to NOT do this.

i have a feeling it’s gonna be one heck of a year ahead.