love or fear, baby….love or fear…

we all know that thought that
everything you do is based in
either love or fear, yes?

i like that thought.

and haven’t once seen it not be true.

well, i’ve been thinking about ‘reactions’ lately.

it started out easy for me to see as i watched it
in another person. ha! that’s always so much easier
for me to see than watching something in me.

i saw them react from a place of fear.
and wow did it close doors.

and wow….it would be so much easier if the reaction
had just come from a place of love.
why did they pick fear?

so then i got to thinking about it.
because we must all be doin’ this kinda stuff all
day long without even knowing it.
totally totally we’re doin’ it if we get threatened.
but how many times are we threatened
and don’t even realize it?

so i started looking really close.

ohmygosh you guys.
how in the world do we ever untangle all the stuff
inside us that there is to untangle?

it starts out like this –
i see a reaction in me.
and everything you do all day is either an action
or a reaction, yes?
and i need to look at both things.
but right now i’m focused on reactions.

okay. that reaction comes from fear.
what’s the fear?
i come up with something – usually about the other person.
nah, terri, if it’s about the other person, dig deeper.
so i dig more.
and i keep digging.
and i find really deep reasons for the fear.

it’s not the first stuff you come up with.
at least, with me, it’s not.
the more you dig, the more you understand.

oh man.

so it’s this deep stuff i gotta sit with.
and i gotta remember past issues are past issues
and it doesn’t help to mix ’em with present stuff.

and i gotta focus on present stuff.
and i gotta intentionally act with love.

like how do you do all this stuff in the moment that
it’s all happening?
i mean, seriously!
and how can you become so aware that you really see
all these millions of reactions you have every darn day?!

i doubt you can.
but you know what?
i’m gonna work on it anyway.

cause the less i’m driven by fear,
the more of me i actually am.

and i’m thinking none of us have any clue just how much
fear is really running the show.

i’m gonna get clued in here.
and the fact that i’ve decided that,
makes me think i’m gonna get knocked around a bit
because something inside me likes that fear runs the show.

but there’s a bigger part of me that’s ready to claim herself.

and the way she’ll do that may just be one reaction at a time.

baby steps.
maybe baby steps take me all the way to the woman i really am.

fear or love?
which is driving that last reaction you just had?
which will drive the next?