look up

with my head swirling with thoughts,
i went out for a walk early yesterday morning.

it was still dark.
normally, the very first thing i do is look up at the sky –
the stars, the moon –
and just soak it in.

but i guess with everything whirling,
i was distracted.
i looked ahead, or down, or anywhere but up!

until i got a nudge.
i really did.
something nudged me and said ‘look up!’

how cool is that?!
and so i did.
and there….above me….
what do you even call it?
all of it.

the stuff that changes what’s goin’ on inside of you…

so then i started thinking about all that.
the very phrase ‘look up!’ –
it’s so helpful.
a good thing to tell myself over and over again.
right now it’s so easy to get pulled down into the muck and mire.

i ended up holding that phrase all day.
and as i did, it kinda morphed into something like –
‘look up. strive forward. be the prayer. live the light.’

i honestly feel that’s the challenge right now.
and for me, it is one heck of a challenge.
you can’t do that if you’re wrapped in fear.
you just can’t.
they don’t go together.

and even if i manage to get myself outta fear,
it doesn’t take me long to bump into fear all around me.

and then, interestingly enough, as i was thinking of all this,
i had an encounter with fear that really puzzled me.
so much so that i went out to my garden to untangle it.
it took me awhile to figure it out,
but what i finally came to is that i believe what i witnessed was
an ADDICTION to fear.

this is a new thought for me.
i think that maybe i would have nodded if someone
mentioned that fear can be an addiction.
i can see nodding and saying ‘of course.’
one of those things that seems so likely that i don’t even think much about it. but i’m not sure i ever felt like i witnessed it like this before.

there was no helping this person out of the fear.
they were in it deep and had to have it.
(and interestingly enough – not unlike addiction – in complete
denial that they have any fear at all!)

i got to thinking about the ‘look up!’ phrase.
and i saw even more how important it is to remind ourselves to do that.
not just to keep us moving forward to who we want to be –
but to keep us from addictions to things that will completely
steal who we are.

it’s a hard time now, yes.
looking up matters.
maybe more than we can possibly understand.

i’ll be trying to keep an eye on my own denials,
and nudging myself over and over –
look up, terri! look up!