living it

that wave came over me last nite.
the one that holds the pondering –
‘what’s it all about?’

tho it comes in many different shades –
all the shades seem to lean into the theme
of the meaning of life and living.

last nite’s was about living my days fully.
the pondering was something like –
‘when it’s all over will i have felt like i really
saw my days? lived my days?’

and that question has been on my mind since.

so when i just now heard of a sudden, unexpected passing –
(only knowing this person through another, i did not
know them personally) my whole body flooded with
the importance of really seeing/embracing/experiencing my days.

i started imagining each day as something alive
that only lives for 24 hours.
each day is something to get to know, to learn about,
to SEE with open eyes and open heart.

so that when it passes away,
instead of grieving it’s passing,
i will rejoice in having lived it as best i could.

i really like that thought.

in trying to figure it out,
something else came along.
it’s so vague and elusive…but i can feel it –

if you really really lived each day,
then they wouldn’t be lost when they were over,
each day would somehow build upon the other and
become a part of you.
and somehow, i wonder if love is like that…
and maybe the loss of a loved one.
how they aren’t really gone, they are such a part of you,
and the deeper you experienced that love,
the deeper that part…
i can’t explain any more than that,
because i don’t have it.
we’ve all heard that kinda thing before,
but i caught a glimpse of what it really means, i think.

wow.