it really struck me…

i’ve been enjoying a book someone gifted me.
but last nite, it went beyond enjoyment to wow.
one tiny little part of it,
that didn’t feel tiny at all –

it was about adam and eve of all things.
adam and eve? seriously?
i’m not religious and that whole story doesn’t
really come up in my life much.

but when i was a kid, i heard it often in church.
and as a kid, i came away with two main thoughts
each time i heard it –

i was kinda disgusted at eve for doin’ that as now it was gonna
hurt whenever i did have babies when i was grown up –
and that she was bad.

those were my thoughts as a kid.

when i experienced childbirth years and years later
as THE most powerful and amazing experience of my life,
i thought back to that story. shook my head at the negative
shades i had carried about childbirth for ages and then
didn’t think of it again.

it wasn’t til reading last nite that i realized some part of
me still carried around that eve was bad.

and then i read this –

“What I came to appreciate was how the transgression of Eve
was an act of courage that led us out of the garden into the
wilderness. Who wants to be a goddess when we can be human?
Perfection is a flaw disguised as control. The moment Eve bit
into the apple, her eyes opened and she became free. She
exposed the truth of what every woman knows: to find our
sovereign voice often requires a betrayal. We just have to
make certain we do not betray ourselves. For a woman or a man
to speak from the truth of their  heart is to break taboo.
The mask is removed. The snake who tempted Eve was not
the Devil, but her own instinctive nature saying, Honor
your hunger and feed yourself.

(that comes from ‘when women were birds’ by terry tempest williams)

the moment i read that,
i just stopped.

and i realized that i had been carrying around that i was bad like eve.

not in that sentence form, of course.
but in the feeling.

i have had my eve moment.
where i was banned from the garden and sent out into the world.
and while i knew i had to do what i did –
some part of me, way way down deep, always thought i was bad.
and courageous? no i never ever thought that.

i reread it.
we just have to make certain we do not betray ourselves.
breaking taboo.
the mask is removed.
and can never be put back on.

what an excruciating break
and painful removal.
but it was all part of ‘honoring my hunger and feeding myself.’

and yes, it was courageous.

sometimes i, (we, i would guess) carry around weights
and judgments of ourselves, and needless shames…..
and we don’t even realize they’re in there.

until something like a few lines from a book come tumbling in.

the messages i came away with from the adam and eve readings in church
were wrong. they were kid views that didn’t know any better.

i’ve traveled a long way since then,
lived out my own creation story,
and can see now, that any kid views that linger inside me,
are equally as wrong.

i didn’t even know i was carrying them.
and now that i know, it’s time to put them down.

amazing what freedom a new thought can bring.