i showed up

so yeah,
i tried.
hard.
but once again…
i fell right back into that pit.

that pit that doesn’t seem to ever be
very far away these days.

only this time it wasn’t for very long.
i think because i was trying hard NOT to,
that had to have helped.
and i was so aware of it all .
i could feel it sneaking up,
i could feel me falling.
i could feel the need to get myself back up.
i am getting a lotta practice here.
and my awareness has increased.

my overall commitment to my health
has increased. i’m doing the things i need to
for me to stay on track.
(or…well…to not fall into the pit as often!)

and i found a trick!
not sure if i’ve typed it here before or not.
this one works for me.

when i TOTALLY focus on something else,
it can shift me.

but i mean, the focus has to be TOTAL.

and yesterday i did that twice.
i did a project that took ALL of my attention.
i felt better immediately.
and then without really thinking about it,
i did that again in the evening,
which seemed to solidify it all.

and then – just to make sure –
for good measure –
i did it AGAIN this morning –
the total focus thang.

i feel perfectly pitless.
and it feels WONDERFUL.

i feel like i showed up for myself.
like i really really tried to do the stuff
that i know helps.

and now…
i can feel the magic again.
i can feel god again.

that is just kinda darn amazing me.

one thing i can say for the times we’re in right now –
they are teaching me an awful lot.