i almost have it…

you know when you just kinda
have a concept down,
but articulating it would be a
bit out of reach?

yeah….that’s where i am.

and i sooooooo want to articulate it.

it has something to do with seeing people clearly.
and seeing yourself clearly.
and getting rid of the tangly threads in between.

best example i can think of –

you have someone in your life who didn’t love you in a way that worked.
you start out thinking it was you. your fault.
that if you could have been better,
or if you could have done something different,
maybe they woulda loved you or been there for you.

then as you grow healthier you realize that people are people.
and they all have their own stuff and that it really wasn’t your fault!

maybe people were doin’ the best they could.
or were too wounded to do anything right.
or whatever.

so, that’s good, yes?
that’s growth.

here’s where it gets fuzzy and i don’t know how to get the words –

i think it’s possible to get that growth but not get as far along as ‘needed.’

(and that is only one example of a situation where this is possible –
probably could pick any that have to do with issues between yourself
and another)

so you can get the growth ‘enough.’
enough to move forward.
enough to move on.
enough to learn a lot.

but ‘enough’ isn’t necessarily enough.

maybe there’s a part two.
where you really start to see even more clearly.
maybe the clearer the seeing, the less of the tangly threads.
and maybe when you can see totally clearly –
maybe there are no tangles anymore!

and maybe traveling far enough, isn’t what you need.
maybe it’s not what i need, anyway.
maybe i need to see as clearly as i can.
maybe the more i look and see others,
the less i need to turn things inward and make them mine.

maybe somehow my shift is turning from inward to outward
with other people’s gunk.

yeah, i think that’s it.

there’s a turn happening.
i don’t understand it all yet as it’s just beginning.
or i’m just beginning to feel it.

but i can tell that i’m getting better at turning inward with my stuff,
and turning outward with others and their stuff –
well….just BEGINNING to get better.

as i go along, i hope i can articulate it all a bit better.
we shall see where this all leads…