here’s the insight i got as we were in the car
after hours and hours of driving and talking.
it was dark, we were getting close to our hotel,
and we were talkin’ from the heart…
it came about from the idea that most everyone
walking around deep down believes that if someone
they loved knew who they really were, that someone
would run the other way.
we’re gonna need names.
sammy deep down worries that if sally knew who sammy
really was, sally would run the other way.
all this time i woulda said ‘noooo sally wouldn’t run.
sally loves sammy.’
but as we drove, i turned to my son and said
‘what if it’s true, what if sally WOULD run away?
and what if everyone would run away?
what if that’s true??
but not for the reason we think it’s true!
but for this reason –
sally truly needs to do the work of understanding
that sammy is a completely different individual than
her and sally has to work to not only understand that,
but accept that.
THAT seems to be the real work in love.
and it sounds so obvious.
and one of those ‘of course.’ things.
but, to be honest, i’m not too sure how many people
even think about that part.
i honestly don’t think as many of us do this as
we’d like to believe.
when i was married, i sure didn’t.
i wanted my partner to be someone he wasn’t.
it never occurred to me to really really deeply
understand that isn’t love.
i’ve been kinda forced into that whole work because
my partner now is so different than i am.
if we were even going to stand any kinda chance
for staying together past a day, i had to face that
and i honest to pete understand what a challenge
it really is. and how it isn’t something that you
one day ‘get.’ that it’s a life long journey that
is constantly changing on you. i think it’s the
hardest job i’ve ever faced.
so. it just so happens that i had someone in my life
run the other way from me and not accept who i really was.
i’m thinking maybe a lot of us have.
and all this time…and yeah….still……but this
insight has me workin’ on this…….
all this time i believed it’s cause i’m flawed.
cause something is wrong with me.
isn’t that the deal?
we’re afraid others will run because of our flaws.
never thinking that they run because they haven’t
done the work of understanding differences.
and depending upon who this person is who ran,
or who we’re worried about running,
this can be quite a wound to live with.
but what a game changer this thought is for me.
and, of course, the other person isn’t bad.
they may not even realize this work is theirs to do.
and if we’re carrying that it’s cause of our flaws,
we kinda cement the deal and they’re free to run
without ever realizing they missed something huge.
this whole insight might be old news to everyone else.
to me, it was huge.
i sat in the dark, in the passenger seat thinking
and have been thinking of this ever since…
seemed like a good one to share before family gatherings