today is my 3rd wedding anniversary.
i had no idea way back when…
i thought love was about the other person loving me.
making me happy.
a hero in my life that took care of me.
never let me down.
and i, of course, did the same.
so that didn’t work out real well.
so the second time around,
i knew better.
but still had so much to learn.
i have now traveled this road with this man of mine
for about eighteen years. we’ve been married for three.
that tickles me. i didn’t want to just jump into things!
what i’ve learned so far is that love is really about me.
first up –
i found out how important self love is.
i had no idea.
i knew it was a good thing to have.
of course it is.
but now, i firmly believe you can’t have real love with
another person without it.
there’s a huge journey right there.
learning to love yourself.
sure, we can all say we do –
but do we?
i would have said yes years ago –
and yet, i had so much more to learn.
and the more i learn, the more i see how
much there is to learn!
the ‘filling me, making me happy, hero’ part is also about me.
i gotta do that stuff.
now, he can add to it all. oh yes he can.
but it’s when i know that it’s my job, it takes such tremendous
pressure off of him and allows him to be all of who he is.
which sometimes does not fill me, make me happy or feel
like my hero! and that has to be okay.
because a part of love that has got to be there is –
who we are has to be allowed.
which, oh, for pete’s sakes – is hard!!
and it all mixes into the cherish me/never let me down stuff.
cause everything that i want for me, needs to be flipped back for him.
ya know? this isn’t a one way deal.
so yeah, sometimes our humanity slips in and our cherishing doesn’t
come out quite like we’d like. we’re human.
and the letting someone down?
well, that gets complicated, doesn’t it?
if i’m let down,
then i need to go look at my ‘expectations.’
cause there musta been some to be let down.
are they healthy? honest? fair?
oh for pete’s sakes.
to do all this leads one to radical honesty with oneself.
which again, brings us back to self love.
how about when you’re hurt?
you gotta look at the whole darn picture.
see the other person’s hurt.
even if they were the one who caused the whole darn problem.
cause nothing is so isolated that only one person has the emotions.
that’s the point, right?
you’re so entangled you both feel stuff.
it’s really odd, but more often than not, i see that we
are both feeling the same pain – only different angles.
so that means that i gotta be gentle to both of us?
this is complicated stuff.
and not easy by any means.
ohmygosh – but the payoffs! oh the payoffs!
i want to say that is what we’re celebrating today.
but that’s not true.
we gotta be celebrating the all.
because who i am from this journey is so much
more than i would have been without it.
i so sincerely mean that.
and the payoffs are so deep and beautiful,
that tears come to my eyes as i type just thinking of them.
to love and respect and cherish someone through
all this craziness – there is such glory in that.
and to feel it and step into the closeness that it brings –
there is magic in that.
i have no definition i can give you for what love actually is.
i feel though, with all my heart, that i am bumbling my way
into it more and more.
and there is nothing that matters more than this.
i am feeling like a very grateful student today,
who is totally in love with her teacher.