going back in time…

while digging around for a certain blog post
i wrote years ago, i came across these two.
they go hand and hand and need to be
posted together.

i read one, then the other and remembered
a world that i have let slip to the side.
a world i want to enter again. i wanted to share
these here for anyone else interested in their own
inner worlds.

from march 11, 2009 –

touching my insides….
i so hope i can communicate this….

walkin’….all gray outside.
the gray kinda gray that’s just one shade
of gray….it makes everything kinda feel
like you’re walkin’ thru the inside of
yourself.

i wondered what would it be like to say
this to myself and mean it:

i love you.
and i promise you that every single day
we’re together i will love you with all
that i have. i have been looking for you
my whole life, and i found you. and i
know what a treasure you are. i cherish
you every single day.

i figured i couldn’t do it. say it and mean
it. but i tried it out….why not just
say it and try it?

and so i did.

and then i just felt this release.
like my whole body got more relaxed.
i could feel tons of tension leave….

and then this visual kinda happened….

you know how you might take a kid…or
someone you can lift up….and
pick them up and set them on the counter
sitting there facing you so you can have
a face to face talk?

well……i kinda did that with my self.
only my self was this…oh man…
how to describe???

almost like a butterfly before they get
all unsticky and spread their wings.
i was like a sticky, unspread me….
it wasn’t icky at all.
but there was so much darkness over this
light and glitter….
it wasn’t bad….
it just was.
there was no feeling besides wonder from
me when i looked at myself.

i sat her in front of me and told her
that i loved her……

and then this feeling came over me….
and i knew i had to listen.

that listening was my job.
not talking.

and so i stopped talking.

and i saw things….

i saw all parts of me, things that were
inside me but kinda represented like
archetypes or something.
i saw the little girl, i saw the wise old
crone, i saw the mother, i saw the woman,
i saw all these part of me.

they were me and at the same time they were
every woman that ever lived….
it was all of us mixed up in me….

and i was listening, but there weren’t
any words….just feelings.

and i knew….i just knew….
that all these beautiful parts were in me.
they’ve been there all along.

and there’s nothing i have to do to set
them free except allow them to be free.

allow them to be free and listen.

wow.
if this happens from saying that to myself
one time and not really even being totally
on board with it….what happens if i start
saying it all the time and really believe it??

i’m writing it down and taking it with me
every walk.
i’ll forget if i don’t.
i’ll put it aside if i don’t.

and i have a feeling this is something i really
want to touch again…….

………….

and then, from march 13, 2009 –

butterfly woman
not sure, but thinking this will make no
sense unless you’ve read ‘touching my insides’
a few posts below….

i gave myself brave points yesterday.
well, i get more this morning. a lot more.
and i’m taking them and holding them.
i’m fighting some inner voices on this one…
but wow….if i’m gonna put something out
there….this should be it….

i’ve been low. got hit in a hard kinda way
and haven’t gotten all the way back up.
walked and tried to figure out how i was feelin.
bruised was about all i could come up with.
lousy. that kinda thing.

got to my goodmorningworldspot and took out my
note…the note that tells myself i love me.
snow’s fallin’. i’m tryin’ to shield the note
from the snow. and i read it in a whisper to
myself.

nothing is sinking in. i close my eyes and say
it to myself concentrating harder.

and then i realize i have to go back to seeing
that visual that i mentioned a few days ago…
the non icky sticky butterfly woman….

i realize that i’m fighting a battle here.
and i have been for years and years and finally
the scales are tipping in the right direction.
i can’t let up now.

but i don’t want to. i feel bruised, shaken, lousy
and i don’t want to.

i think of the times when i was sick and i had to
take care of the boys when they were little. how
hard it was, but how i did it anyway because i had
to. because i loved them more than anything and i
had to.

okay then.i go to the visual.
and i feel sick in my gut and i lift my inner
self to the counter again. she’s in the same position
as last time. kinda with her side to me, folded in
on herself, not looking up….

and it hits me.
i never saw her face last time.
i got a feeling, i saw all of her, but her face was
to the side. the things i saw were symbols. i need
to see her face. i know she’s me. why can’t i see me?

and i realized that for eight years now i’ve been trying
to see myself. i have been writing bone sigh after bone
sigh about the importance of seeing myself and i haven’t
been able to do it.

here it is.
i need to do it.

and i can’t.

and then i know……i can’t do this alone. she has to
do it with me. and i realize she can’t do it without me.
it’s got to be together.

we’ve got to see together. she’s got to look at me, and
i have to see her.
and she won’t look as she doesn’t trust me to see.

i need a longer walk, i take an extra lap around the block…

i’m on the highway i leave my baggage at and i step over a
muddy penny. walk a few steps past it and stop. turn around.
pick it up. that’s me. that’s what i’m doin’ right now.
i’m tryin’ to find the shiny penny under the mud.
i take it and slip it in my glove, into the palm of my hand.

holding it tight, i go back to my visual.

i acknowledge that if i see i have to remember.
i acknowledge that i’m not sure i can remember either.
that i’m not sure i can pull off what i need to….
but i will try.

and she turns to me. ever so slowly….

and it’s my face in the dark glittery skin kinda look that
she has.

the same gashy thing by the eyebrow because i’m
always crinklin’ my face tryin’ to figure something out.

the same lines that i’ve disliked on my face are there on
hers looking like they belong there.

i reach to touch her skin and her hand touches mine. she’s
dark, i’m light…i stop and look at the hands. doin’ this
together.

and she turns her eyes to mine.

my god.
her eyes.
i cried and i cried and i cried.

they’re mine.

i saw her.
i really really saw her.

but so quickly.
and i couldn’t get it back.

but we’re not done yet.
nah, we’ve just begun.

i gotta name her…and i guess it’s gotta
be butterfly woman.

i don’t know what all this means.
i do know that i’ve been wanting this for
years…..and it’s here. and i gotta follow it…

and that putting this out here is hard.
cause it’s weird.

and it’s me.
and it’s all i got…….

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