doing something…..

i have noticed that when i come up against something horribly dark,
or just a really really difficult struggle – i am filled with the need to DO something.
it happens every time.

which can be a bit frustrating if you read the news.

i try to keep the news in balance in my life.
sometimes i don’t do so good with that.
sometimes i just about drown with it all.
and then i take a sabbatical and try to balance again.

and sometimes something will hit so deeply that i’ll just feel that need again –
that overwhelming need to DO something.

this morning that happened to me.
that overwhelming feeling came.
along with the tears.

i headed for the shower, turned on the prayer music and tried to just get centered.
yet the tug was there –
what can i possibly do?
it’s so huge and so beyond me.
what can i possibly do?

and then….
the answer that always seems to come to me when no other answer will come –
whispered to me again.

it’s in one of my bone sighs…..the one i have for grief –

“weeping and aching, 
i longed to honor your passing.
i longed to honor your life.
searching everywhere, 
i found only one answer.
honor myself.
become all that i am.
and carry you inside that beauty. ”

i got to thinking about how incredibly wealthy i am just because i live where i live.
i got to wondering about that.
and i got to wondering about how i live and what i do with what i have.
and i got to thinking about how i act.

and i got to thinking that the very least i can do is value my blessings with all i have,
understand how lucky i am, work very hard at not adding any more pain to the world,
work hard at taking any pain i can away.

do exactly what that bone sigh says –
-honor myself –
become all that i am.

part of me wants to argue that and say that’s nothing. you’re doing nothing.
but the answer back to that is ‘ then why is it so hard?’

it’s one place i can start.
it’s one place i have control over.
it’s one thing i can lift up every single day and say – i offer my heart.
as open and loving as i can make it.