deceptions, truths and living

i actually heard myself think this recently –
‘that level of deception is just a bit too much.’

i heard that in my head.
and caught it.

‘seriously terri?!’
‘then exactly what level of deception IS okay?’

i don’t even know how to explain.
if i say ‘my tolerance for deception is so low these days.’ –
well, what the heck does that mean???
was it high before?

and you know what –
a long long long time ago, it was definitely more
accepted in my life. it was part of living smoothly.

i grew up that way.
if it makes it easier for other people,
well then, a little white lie,
a lotta omission,
making everything pretty,
all that was okay.
cause well, it’s better for everyone.

seriously?!
yep.

thankfully, i found my way outta that.
and realize i’m not here to make everyone
more comfortable with who i am.

i can try to make people more comfortable
in a lotta ways, if i want to.
but not at my own personal expense any more.

doesn’t mean i go try to be blatantly honest
in some sorta hurtful fashion. of course not.
and yes, i have seen people be very hurtful
and then just claim honesty as the reason.
that’s garbage. and not what i’m talking about.

i’m talking about hiding who you are,
accepting behavior from others that is not healthy,
not saying what you need because smooth is better than honest.

that stuff.

i had worked pretty hard on getting that in my life.
i feel good about my immediate relationships and honesty.

but ol’ jordan peterson brought it all to a different
level for me. he talks about telling the truth,
and backs it up with the incredible critical thinking that
i have come to love in him so much.

so to really do this – to really live this –
you gotta figure out if what you’re gonna say or do is
truly what you believe. is it truly what you think?
and when i slow down enough to really do that,
i love what it does for me.

so, recently, when i had this thought about a certain level
of deception being too much for me…
i had to stop and really think –
what is it i am willing to accept in this situation?
and what is it i want in this situation?
is it the same in all situations?

and the answers to these questions have me
doing something completely different than i woulda
done last year before jordan got in my head and stayed there.

cause that ol’ training of making life smooth for everyone –
that’s a natural go to for me.
but now…. asking myself to think thru things is becoming
just as natural. which is so darn cool.

and now – the other person has just as much responsibility
as i do in the relationship. i see so clearly that i can’t make
things healthy all on my own.

and healthy is my goal.
not pretty.

all i can do is say this is what i can do.
this is what i need back.

and let it be what it will be.

and i think that is the coolest thing ever.