death and honor

i got news yesterday of a passing
of someone i know and care about.

this whole ‘be precise with your words’ thang
that i’m trying to do is difficult.
i want to say a ‘friend’ of mine –
but the truth is, we haven’t interacted for some time
though we did share some good moments together
years and years ago.

it was sad stuff.
i cried when i found out.

and as the tears rolled down my cheeks,
i could also feel one heck of a slap of
perspective hit my face.

it was one of the ‘typical’ ones that hit when
death arrives near enough to jolt you.
it was the very clear realization that this
is the one life that you get –
and there’s only so much time to live it.

i got that big time.
and i sat and thought about who it was
that i wanted to be at the end of the road.
and that’s with a lotta luck to get a lotta
years to get this stuff down, ya know?
and i know…….i don’t have that much time.
i gotta really get on this.

i wrote it out.
and i posted it as our quote of the day today.
it was a way i felt i could honor her passing.
i have another quote that talks about the struggle
of dealing with the loss of someone you love.
where it says that the only answer i could find
was to be all i could be and hold them in that beauty.

that’s what this felt like to me.
i was taking her passing, her life, and thinking about
my own and who i could be if i really tried,
and how i could hold her and all the ones that i loved
right inside that beauty.

i think that’s one heck of an idea.
the thing is – holding on to it, and living it.
that’s hard.

so…i have a visual – again.
this is not my first time.
and i’m glad about that.
each time it gets clearer and clearer to me.
i have a visual of who it is i want to be.

this morning, on my walk,
i worked with some stuff goin’ on inside of me
with this visual in mind.

if i can keep this in my head, i have an aim,
i have a compass, i have a guide.

she’s actually been with me for a bit.
i’m just seeing her better and better.

and this morning i walked with her and talked
with her and saw some of the work i needed to do.

i am holding that today and thinking of my friend.
and honoring her, and this gift of life that we all get,
that ends way before we’re ready.

let’s live it with honor, shall we?