journal

musings and ponderings…

September 21, 2016

the third beach lesson…

this one feels good to me today.
the world can make me so unsteady,
and make it hard for me to believe in the good…
make it hard for me to even remember the good.

at the beach tho,
i watched a whole ton of people.
and i saw a lotta issues that we wear around.

and i thought ‘the world is just wounded.’

but there’s a second part to that.
a really good second part –

‘even tho humanity is wounded,
we still manage to care about each other
and offer love.’

i watched that.
and soaked it in.

we’re imperfect, flawed, filled with issues,
and yet we still reach out and offer love.
we still care about each other.

i needed to remember that one today.

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September 20, 2016

beach lesson number two…

‘if you’re always concerned about the wave,
you’re gonna miss the best view.’

that’s it.
and i like this one a lot.

it comes from us moving our chairs closer
and further away from the water.
i drove poor noah crazy.
i really wanted to be close to the ocean.
but yeah, everything got flooded.
then we moved back,
and i didn’t feel part of things.
so we moved up.
and back.
and up again.

and yes, noah’s the patron saint of patience.

as i sat there thinking that i wanted to be close
to the beauty, even if a wave did come and soak
everything…i got to thinking about living.

so many times i’ve worried about the waves of life
and kept my distance from things because i didn’t
want to get washed out.

you miss out that way.

and yeah, there were practical solutions there at the beach.
leave the ‘stuff’ further back, and put us closer.
yeah. that worked.

and i’m sure there’s practical solutions with a lot of life.

let’s figure ’em out.
so that we don’t miss the beauty by hanging too far back.

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September 19, 2016

lessons from the beach

i got to go spend a day at the beach
with my son, noah.
it was a total taste of heaven!

we left super early.
it was still dark out.
and we got there early.
so we mostly had the beach to ourselves
for a little bit.

i could just sit with the waves.
the sky.
the vastness.

and then gradually, the people showed up.
they trickled in all day.

i went to watch the ocean.
but got so distracted watching the people.

at one point i grabbed my pad of paper
and wrote ‘lessons i learned at the beach’ –
and decided i was gonna record some of
this stuff i was watching.

the first one had noah doubled over laughing.
i haven’t seen him laugh that hard in forever.
totally guy humor, as i found myself cringing
instead of laughing.

we were watching a really fit, muscular guy who could
handle any kinda physical challenge. there was no
question of his strength.

but he had absolutely no idea how to work with the waves.
or to flow with them.
he would continually do the exact thing that would
hurt the most. he’d approach the waves head on,
straight thru and pow! get hit really hard.
the waves didn’t care how strong he was.
they’d crash him hard anyway.
and his strength only mattered so much.
over and over in lots of different ways i watched him
ignore any kinda flow and take the pain.

wow.
talk about an interesting lesson.
this is the thing that made me grab my pad of paper.

you can be as strong as an ox –
but if you can’t see the flow, if you can’t work with
things that come your way, it doesn’t do you any good.

what a cool thought.
i sat there and watched and thought about life
and how it’s filled with waves that knock you over
or hit you smack in the face. no matter what you do.
but then there’s waves you can work with.
the ones you can dive thru calmly and come out just fine.
but you gotta pay attention.
and you gotta know that there’s more than just you
in the equation. you’re not working on this in a vacuum.

the guy never seemed to catch on.

will i? i wondered.
i want to be able to duck thru the waves i can,
to hit the right angles i need to,
and accept the smacks that i have no choice in.

guess it takes practice.
but it’s more than that.
it’s the awareness that you’re practicing.
cause this guy did this over and over.
you could call that practicing.
except he never seemed to be looking for an easier way.
learning didn’t seem to be part of the deal.

maybe he was in it for the pain.
maybe he was.
maybe it was some sorta guy thing i didn’t understand.
it certainly entertained noah.

but i’m not in it for the pain.
there’s enough of that stuff that i can’t help.
if i can dodge a little by being aware and working with things
around me…..that’s definitely the route i wanna go.
and THAT is my first lesson from the beach.

 

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September 16, 2016

for fun

the air was extra soft
this morning
as i stepped out
in the dark.
as if she had rubbed
cloud puffs
onto her breezy arms.
i thought of that moisturizer
i just saw
with the gorgeously
outrageous name –
some kind of body loving
soul rejoicing souffle.
i had wanted some.
maybe i wasn’t the only one.
yeah,
i nodded,
the sky indulged
in a morning dab
for sure.
and now,
as i drive,
she musses up my hair,
nudging me not to be too tame.
she whips thru the car
waking up my weary spirit
and dusting off
my dried out skin.

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September 15, 2016

so it took awhile…

i’m thinking i’ve been reading this little book
since may~! i finally finished it and sure enough –
all the way to the end she had me gasping at her
sentences and thoughts.

i want to share two last little tidbits from the book.

it’s from ‘when women were birds’ by terry tempest williams –

(this one is actually something her mother said -)

“There are two important days in a woman’s life:
the day she is born and the day she finds out why.”

ooOOOooohhhhh…..
do you not just love that?!
have you figured out why yet?!

and this one made me pause and think about how i can do
what the birds do. i feel like i sing joy in the morning on my
walks. have to figure out what to do at dusk –

‘Once upon a time, when women were birds, there was the
simple understanding that to sing at dawn and to sing at dusk
was to heal the world through joy. The birds still remember what
we have forgotten, that the world is meant to be celebrated.’

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September 14, 2016

being

i pulled out Gabor Mate’s book
“When the Body Says No’ last nite.
in the back he has a section called
‘the seven a’s of healing.’
and i wanted to be reminded of what they are.

there’s one in particular that i really really need to work on –
assertion.

‘assertion challenges the core believe that we must
somehow justify our existence.’

hmmm….
he wrote more.
but that’s the sentence that made me go – ‘woe.
okay i have work to do.’

it’s a bit of a jumble inside me.
i know there are times i feel like this.
i know what these unhealthy feelings are rooted in,
and can work with that a bit.

but there’s another part to it all that overlaps and can
cause confusion inside me.

it’s the wonderful idea of PARTICIPATING in life!

the easy example is you go to a party and don’t bring
any food or drink or personality.
you don’t mingle.
you expect to be entertained and fed.

that’s no good.
you gotta participate!
you gotta bring YOU to the occasion.
i think that really matters to your own well being
and to the circle around you.

well…you don’t ‘gotta’ do anything –
but it changes everything when you do or don’t.

it creates your quality of life.

but it’s not to justify your presence there.
it’s to add to the experience.

i think that’s a wonderful thing.

and then i think about how i truly sincerely want to offer light
to the world. that’s not to justify my being here.
it’s truly what i want to do.

okay this is good stuff.
and i’m okay with it.

but what about the times i feel i gotta do something to
justify my presence??? cause i know that happens –
what are those times? when do they come up?
i just know that they do. but can’t think of when.

i wonder if it’s linked to how i view my ‘behavior.’
if it’s directly related to when i feel like a good girl or a bad girl…..

hmmmm…seems like that would be a good clue, doesn’t it?!

so now i’m looking at what i do that falls under
the participation and offering categories
and what do i do to just justify my existence.

and the next time i get any kinda feeling about what kinda
‘girl’ i am – i wanna look nice and close at that!

think THAT may be my map for a bit…

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September 12, 2016

a clean punch

go figure.
i’m even gonna learn a little boxing lingo
as i go along with my visuals here.

so- the visual –
wanting to be a heavyweight champ of love.
standing up even after the knock out (KO) punches.
(i texted something with “KO” in it to one of my sons,
and he nearly fell over! this is so fun!)

so, it wasn’t a KO – but it was a punch that landed
wholeheartedly hard.
smack full force.
turns out that’s a ‘clean punch.’
(“A punch that lands cleanly making complete, flush contact.”)

and it hurt.
and i cried.
and i felt deflated.

and there he was.
my son.
telling me to take the punches and keep on going.

my guy told me about punching back.
i looked at him (i think my eyes were a bit teary at the time)
and asked him how exactly i did that.

he told me his thoughts.
which i have completely blocked!
i am not kidding.
how weird is that?!
i just tried to call him.
at work.
to ask him what he said.
(yes, he gets a halo when it’s all over with me)
he wasn’t there.

so i was left alone to wonder here what the punch back is?
how do you punch back?
i’m still not sure on that part.
it’s gotta be about loving even more, doesn’t it?

i think so.
and i like that.
so you get up and you love extra more.
“extra more” – i just made that up.
we’ll call that a new boxing term.

i could feel myself rally when my son mentioned
taking the punches.
it helped me get back in the game faster than i
normally would.

and this ‘extra more’ thought seems helpful too.
maybe i couldn’t have done that right away.
but i can today.

and it feels right.

i’m ready to go the distance baby!
(yep, another term!)
(grinnin’ at ya)

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September 9, 2016

a knock out punch, a pipeline and me…

it all came together last nite for me.
driving.
it helps me so much.
thoughts wind together inside me
like the roads i’m on…
and just like those roads,
the thoughts can take me to where i need to go.
and that happened last nite.

it started out with thinking about george foreman.
that boxing heavyweight champion i just read about.
i thought of his inner drive.
and his getting up after being knocked down.
of his taking the punches and keepin’ on goin’.

i thought of how i’d been lately.
when life throws a punch,
i’ve been landing on the ground.
dazed.
confused.
and not even sure what i’m doin’ in the ring.

‘is that what george would do?!’
heck no!

i thought of how after i watched that series about the men who
built america. how i was totally inspired by rockefeller and
his crazy ability to think outside the box.

did he let the train guys stop him?!
no way, baby!
he built a pipe line!

and i remembered how i had wanted to build the pipe line of love.

i’ve been sidetracked.
muddled.
confused.
lettin’ the train guys stop me.
and the punches.
not even sure what i’ve been doin’ in the ring.

last nite i remembered.

i came home and told my guy about how i wanted to
be the heavyweight champ.
he asked me about the punches i would throw.
i stopped and stared at him.
oh.
yeah.
i forgot about that part.

i was focusing on getting up again and again when life threw a punch.
i hadn’t thought about what i was gonna knock life over with.

oh yeah.
i gotta throw some punches.

he mentioned how that was part of the whole boxing thing.
oh yeah.

and building the pipeline.
yeah.

i gotta build that.

it’s not just a getting up again/believing you can do things thing.

it’s an action back at/with life.

i think i gotta hop back in the car for part two here.

but part one is remembering.
seeing it again.
and feeling it fill me.

gettin’ back up in the ring.
and pullin’ out my pencil to make pipeline plans.

part one happened last nite.
and for that, i’m feelin’ pretty darn grateful.

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September 8, 2016

decisions – part three

wow.
okay, if you’ve been following,
it started with the penny jars.
good decision jar.
bad decision jar.
payin’ attention.

then the payin’ attention got me thinking
about what makes a good decision good?
what is your goal?

(if you’re just hoppin’ in, this is all covered
in the last two blogs)

and NOW i’m stringing it out into –
‘what is it you need?’
(which totally goes hand in hand with the
‘what’s the goal?’ theme.)

here’s the muddy thought process –

it’s easier to use an example of when you’re struggling,
but shoot – this is for ANY moment at all.
just easier to see when you’re struggling, i think –

do you know what you need at any given moment?

so if you’re struggling and someone walked up to you and asked –
‘what is it you need?’
would you be able to answer them?
sometimes i could.
sometimes i couldn’t.

so i got to thinking about it.
i’d like to be able to always answer that.
when i’m struggling.
when i’m on top of the world.
and everywhere in between.

and if i can link it to good decisions, well, that’d be really awesome.

so.
you’re havin’ a rough day.
and you ask yourself what you need, or someone else asks you….
do you say ‘man, i need a bowl of ice cream.’
well, maybe.
that’s not always out of the question.
there are definitely times that’s the answer.
but sometimes the answer’s just a little bit past that –
something more like – ‘i need a break where i’m just gentle with myself.’
or something like that.
and then you follow thru on something healthy and gentle for yourself.

and THAT would get me a penny in the good decision jar.
yes, there are times a bowl of ice cream would get me a penny in that
same jar. but not very often. more often it would be something
where i’m REALLY taking care of myself.

‘what is it i need right now?’

i love that question.
and i love linking it to good decisions.

i guess every bit of this decision stuff i’ve been thinking about
is different angles on the same thing – awareness.

and so i keep goin’.
tossin’ in pennies and thinking……

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