journal

musings and ponderings…

September 2, 2015

life

it has been a really full life day today.

feels like it’s been packed full of the profound.

here’s one of my favorite pieces –

the alarm woke me this morning in the middle of
a nightmare.

had to do with my past and some of the awful
feelings i had to get thru to make my way into
my present.

it was unsettling and i did a lot of cleaning and
house projects from the moment i woke.
the dream brought back a lot of hurt and pain
and i was just tryin’ to clean it all outta me, i think.

several hours later, i landed at my computer
and got a note that could not have been better timing.

for me, it said – you did it. you turned in the direction
you needed to. and even when it was so miserable and you
felt so lost, you still somehow had the compass goin’.
and it was guiding you to the sacred inside. and it was
guiding you to the people who would help you find your way.

yeah.
that’s what this note said.
to me, at least.

it’s not what she put into words.
she didn’t know.
but that’s the message i took from it.

and i knew she’d understand.
so i told her.
and she told me she loved me.

and i smiled at the timing.

some of those changes we gotta make are gut wrenching.
not sure some of that pain will ever be totally gone.
but my gosh, after tryin’ to clean it all outta me today,
and not quite doin’ it –
i sat back and thought ‘it’s okay. it’s all okay.
you’re traveling where you need to.
and it really is okay.
even the unsettling that comes back to visit.’

maybe it reminds me of just how far i’ve traveled.

figured that was worth sharing to any other travelers out there…..

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September 1, 2015

from my yellow pad of paper…

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tsunami

maybe the crisp clear awareness
i feel at the beach comes because
of the ocean i carry inside me.
for i can no longer deny its presence.

the waves that have washed and
rocked my insides since childhood.
the tides that are pushed and pulled
by both moon and man.
the water that can soothe
as well as freeze.
the depth of the ocean inside me
roars upon my heart today.

the tsunami comes at night
rising higher and higher,
screaming of your passing.
pulling me under,
tumbling me over and over
through the pain and the fear.
over and over the good memories
and the bad.
tossing me through the unfinished story
between us.

morning comes.
and the tsunami subsides.
i go about my day,
filling the ocean with my tears,
tasting the salt on my lips.
a gull flies overhead.
a starfish lands at my feet.
a dolphin jumps among the waves
and my heart leaps.

i remember the vastness of it all.
hope fills my heart.

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August 31, 2015

what is it you’re after?

so, like…..
i’ve been watchin’ people.
a lot lately.
a whole lot.
and tryin’ to see if any of us are listening
or just too busy knowing.
and if we’re knowing – what the heck is it
we’re knowing?
and what is it we’re after?

what is it – really – that we’re after?

and are we asking ourselves that
and then actively heading in that direction?

or are we just too busy knowing?

the more i watch,
the more knowing i see
and the less knowing i want.

and the more i’m seeing the amount that
assumptions
run our day and our course….
and how we allow these things to get us off
the paths that we say we want –

ohmygosh, the more i want to pay attention.
and the less i want to assume.

it’s a lifetime of patterns to break.
and as far as i can tell,
it’s what will make that lifetime worthwhile.

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August 28, 2015

buckin’ our nature

ahhhh….had a thought –
it was sparked by a conversation earlier,
but i think it’s been whirling around inside for a bit now.

that maybe just because something’s ‘our nature’
doesn’t mean it’s something helpful to us.

it’s so easy to say ‘that’s my nature to do it that way.’
and just do it the way we always do things.

but……um……
spose there’s a better way to do it.
spose there’s a way that would be more beneficial to you?
might be worth buckin’ our nature and doin’ it differently, yes?

one of those obvious no-brainers?
yeah, i think so.
but how many of us are lookin’ at it?
thinking i’ve been missing it.

so thought i’d offer this out there to anyone else
who might be missing it as well.

time to buck my darn nature!
well, parts of it, anyway.
not all of it.
but definitely parts.

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August 26, 2015

ohmygosh!

i just talked about clarissa yesterday.
then i mentioned her to a friend today
and my friend hadn’t heard of her.
this woman has done so much for my life,
i just feel like every woman out there should
read her!

so i grabbed my ‘women who run with the wolves’
book off my shelf.

my gosh, this book even LOOKS like it’s been
my bible over the years. it’s got stuff sticking
out of it, underlines in every different color
you can underline in, some entire pages colored
over with crayon, and definitely those dog ear bends.

i thought i’d just do a quote from this book to
honor this woman today.

and i could NOT believe what i opened up to.
this ties in completely with yesterday’s post –

there, the only thing underlined on that page is
this sentence –

The predator of her own psyche offered her the
gold of being loved if she would give up her
instincts that said ‘Enough is enough.’

wow.

and that is the perfect sentence for me to honor
this woman with. her writing helped me find inner
strength i didn’t know i had. she helped me feel
like i wasn’t alone, and she definitely made me
feel understood.

toasting clarissa pinkola estes today!

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August 25, 2015

i know now…

i heard a story today on the audio i’m listening to.
one of those fairy tale kinda stories where you have
the predator, and the girl who would be killed by that
predator, but she figured it out, tried to tell her family,
but her family wouldn’t listen. and she began to doubt herself.

what a feeling came over me as i listened.
i remembered a time.
long ago now.
a time where i had come to a place where i understood that
i would die inside if i stayed in that place.
i was so sure of it, that i was willing to lose everything
just to stay alive, and my family couldn’t hear. wouldn’t hear.

i don’t think about that stuff much anymore.
i made it out alive.
and the things that mattered stayed.
much fell away.
but perhaps as it should have.
it’s past history.
i’ve moved forward.

but this morning, it all washed over me again.

i not only made it out alive.
i’ve grown.
thrived.
become so much more of me.

and i know now deep in my bones that there will be those
close by that will tell you that you’re wrong.
that you’re doing the wrong thing.
that you need to stop and do the ‘right’ thing.
and your soul’s survival will not be on the scale
that they weigh these words on.

and i know now deep in my bones that it is up to us
to hear the cries of our soul and to travel where
it is healthy. leaving those who don’t understand
behind.

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August 24, 2015

cause….well….

i was lucky enough to steal some alone time
this weekend. i think between being an introvert
and coming into a place where i really want to get
to know myself better, i just about salivate when
i figure out i can run away by myself for a bit.

i found myself wandering around DC and walking by
a family. the little boy was asking his mom a question
that totally made me smile –

‘do you think chocolate people should eat chocolate?
cause….well…….’

wow!
talk about one heck of a kid question!
and i loved the ’cause….well….’ that traveled
after it.

unfortunately i never heard what mom answered.
i hope it was a good response.
it certainly deserved one.

i got to thinking about how completely precious kids are.
and how i would have loved to wander with that little boy
and talk about it.

i pictured traveling the path of the profound to the silly
and back again that kids do so well.

that’s a good path.
when you cover both those things, i do believe you’re
on to something.

made me want to travel there a little bit more often.

and maybe have a little chocolate while doing so –

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August 21, 2015

crunching and thinking….

i sat and ate my lunch
looking out my window.
thinking.
and crunching.
and thinking.
and crunching.

my head was swimming with stuff.

things that have been making no sense to me
started to click. if my theory was right,
so many things made sense that didn’t make sense
a day ago.

and i got to thinking how crazy human interactions are!

is anything really what it seems to be?

our interactions with people –
are they interactions?
or
are they us reacting to another?
or the other reacting to us?
or all of us reacting to all of us?

is it all about buttons being pushed and not pushed…..?
is it about needs and filters and skewed perceiving?

ohmygosh.

crunching
thinking
crunching.

and then!
we take these reflections,
which honest to pete, may have very little to do with
what’s really going on –
and we make judgments about ourselves.

we can decide we’re not worthy,
or we’re goofy,
or we’re less than,
or too much,
or whatever whatever whatever –
all from how someone reacts to us,
when in reality they could easily be reacting to some
button that’s pushed or some insecurities of their own.
we take that skewed information
and make it our truth.

thinking.
crunching.
thinking.

my hand goes to my crinkled forehead.

oh wow.

i mean,
it’s not like a new thought.
i guess i’ve had this before.
but because of the angle i’m looking at it all with now,
it’s really boggling my mind.

totally making one heck of an impression.

and in the clearest way anything can shine thru
a really hazy mind – there was some kinda fuzzy
understanding that truly what we needed to do was
find who we are – for ourselves –
really learn ourselves –
what delights us,
what lights us on fire,
what puts a damper on us,
what matters to us.
see who we are.
all of ourselves that we can.
and be who we want to be with that.

and honest to pete,
let everyone else do whatever they will with it.
we gotta leave that alone and not toy with it.
because that part isn’t ours.

ours is the seeing and the being of who we really are.
and operating from that center as often as we can.

bam.
that’s what’s ours.

not all this reacting stuff.

not a new thought, i guess.
but for me, today, i really really feel it.

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August 20, 2015

from my yellow pad of paper…

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there they sat.
around the table.
all ages.
from the little girl
to the old woman.
surrounded by teacups,
cookies and laughter.
love filling their eyes
and the room.
sliding the chair my way,
they invite me in.
‘come, we’ve been waiting for you.’
sitting down and joining them,
i begin to know myself.

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August 19, 2015

a moving vid….

i saw this on facebook this morning.
i’m uncomfortable with the whole thing being
‘set up.’ i’m not sure if that’s an okay thing
or not. and i still haven’t sorted out why
i feel that way.

but!

to see the homeless guy be the one to help…
well, i found it incredibly moving.
and it doesn’t surprise me at all.

it’s good for me to watch things like this.
keeps my heart in check.
and so i thought i’d share.

wasn’t exactly sure how to put it in here.
so i’ll just give you a link.

you can click here to view it!

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