journal

musings and ponderings…

November 23, 2016

god’s hangin’ out at my office…

not so very long ago, i started thinking
of my wind chimes as voices of god.

it started out with one of the bigger ones.
i was outside on a peaceful breezy day
and the chime was just soothing my soul.
it  sounded so beautiful.
it felt like the voice of god.
so, naturally, i started calling it ‘god.’

but then, later, in another garden when i heard
several of them, i thought –
ohmygosh – they’re ALL beautiful!
they’re ALL god!
and ever since then, that’s what they’ve been called.

which has been great fun!
the serious straight faces around here
when someone tilts their ear to hear what that
sound is and then says – ‘oh, that’s god’ are PRICELESS.

the other day, for various mundane reasons,
i took a big wind chime we have and brought it inside.

unsure of where to put it, i just hung it in the entrance
as you walk into the kitchen.
i hung it to the side.
kinda liked it.
but my guy kept walking into it.
which is fine with me as i get to hear it,
but i was thinking it might drive him crazy.

so i moved it to the other side of the entrance.
nope.
he walks there too.

so this morning, i took it and hung it right
at the door of my office.

it’s large.
takes a lotta the door space.

which works out well as it’s hard to walk
thru without hitting it.

ahem.

i am ashamed to say that it took me
about THREE times walking around it before
i figured it out –

what are you doing, terri?

touch it every single time you pass thru!

and i have!

talk about a reminder!
i make it chime as i go by and smile.

i think this is gonna be one heck of a wonderful
perspective helper! especially right at my office door.

havin’ a rough day?
feelin’ stressed about something?
worried about finances?
walk thru the entrance.

ah! EVEN THAT SENTENCE –
‘walk thru the entrance’ and hear god.

ha!

totally tickled about this.
wanted to share.
maybe we could start a whole thing.
too bad i don’t sell wind chimes!

grinnin, and lovin’ this……

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November 22, 2016

now seriously folks…

i like to have fun on facebook
and sometimes i take a little bit of my day
and share it light heartedly –

this morning i posted this –

it’s not like i try to do these things.
they just gotta be done. like the leaf pile this morning –
i add leaves, it needs smooshing. to smoosh i gotta squash them.
to squash them i start out pretending i am a human rolling pin.
but then get industrial and become a human steam roller.
i even make the sounds! but even steamrollers need a break.
i just ended up layin’ there lookin’ at the stars and the moon
realizing leaf piles are really comfy and totally conducive to
welcoming the morning in~! and – and – and – welcoming the
morning in is is starting to feel really holy. ahem. i have to say it.
ya know, i just have to…….does that make me a holy roller??

it’s fun and it’s something light.
and – it’s true.

this was my morning.

and there’s more –

there’s an intention here that’s been really cool.

i used to just take walks or rake in the morning to exercise.
but now i see the impact welcoming in the day has on me.
so i am intentionally welcoming in the day and now i am
trying hard to get out each evening and thank the day for
being here.

in the evenings i rake or do some sorta yard work.
so i’m out and about doin’ something.
but if i ever get caught up in the ‘chore’ of doing
whatever it is i’m doing, i stop and have a talk with myself.

the intention is to be present and aware of the gift that i’ve been given.
if i’m thinking about raking leaves, i’m missing the point.

but if i’m smelling the leaves, and hearing the leaves,
and enjoying my yard….then i’m doin’ what i came out for.

yeah, it’s a nice thing to do.
but now i’m seein’ –
it’s way more than nice.

as i was laying in that leaf pile this morning,
i was so filled with gratitude for the gift of being here.
i thought ‘remember this all day, terri, and hold the
gratitude as you go along.’

and i have.

i think it’s a double whammy mind/life changer doing this
in the morning AND the evening.

there have been moments it’s as tho i’m touching the holy.
other moments not quite so deep and yet still gratitude infused.

it’s like the gratitude has no choice –
it MUST come and fill me.

this is so cool.
and, of course, i’ll forget and stop doin’ it before you know it.
but for now…..i am totally loving this.
and feel like it’s a life changer.

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November 21, 2016

taking a minute…

this is the time of year that i need to stop
and just take a minute and acknowledge
the struggle that so many are going thru.
and so many times it’s a cyclical thing.
if it’s not you feelin’ it this year, it could be you
next year. it’s me the next one and around we go.

the struggles come.
sometimes tho, they’re darker, heavier, and harder
than anything we’ve experienced before.

and sometimes people don’t make it out of that darkness.

i want to stop everyone who is thinking they can’t make it out.
i want to stop them and reassure them that they can.
that there’s more to come in life and they don’t know what all
it can bring. to hang on and to wait for the heaviness to lift.

i think, tho, that’s more just for me to say it.
cause i’m not sure you can hear that if you’re at the point
where the pain feels so overwhelming.

i don’t know.
but i say it anyway.
just in case.

is it fair to ask someone to hang on to life when they just
feel they can’t anymore? what about the pain they want to end?
i get that desperation.
i acknowledge it.
at the same time i acknowledge something else.
time.
and time is a funny thing.
it can be such a powerful thing.

when i think of a young girl who ended her life nine years ago,
i think that she couldn’t have even imagined where these nine
years would have taken her. and how maybe it really is worth
giving life a chance.

i guess i honestly just think that –
that it IS worth giving life a chance.
giving yourself a chance.
and letting time help you climb out of the darkness.

if you’re hurting and feeling lost,
i’m squeezin’ your hand out here
and hoping you’ll give yourself some time.
nine years from now, you may be really glad you did.

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November 18, 2016

loving wide

oh how do i do this?
you know the whole dilemma of respecting
someone else’s privacy?
gosh, that is tough sometimes.
smiling here……
but i can do it!

i think we need her name tho.
aimee.
she’s an online friend of mine.
i’ve known her for awhile now.
and we’ve walked thru lots of stuff together.

she carries deep wounds.
like so many of us.
and yet, she has the heart of a child.
and i mean that in the most respectful
awe-filled way possible.

she loves so wide, so big, so thoughtfully,
so giving and so easily.

and so often i can feel the child like purity in it.

she offered me some of that today.
and i thought ‘ you know, we need to be seeing this stuff.
we need to be honoring these hearts.
we need to know this kinda goodness is out there.
this is what we need to be talking about and giving space to.’

and so, i wanted to bring aimee and her heart here.
for all of us.

and i wanted to remind us that we all have that purity in us.
sometimes it’s just kinda hard to find.

that’s what amazes me about her.
by all rights, she shouldn’t have it.
it should be covered, blocked or hiding.

and yet it’s not.
and i don’t think she knows how huge that is.
how light her heart must be that it just will not be hidden.
that kinda catches my breath.

a lot of us are covering, blocking or hiding our hearts.
that’s okay.
sometimes we need to, yes?
but let’s all find someone we can open it to.
because the world needs that light right now.
the world needs us to open our hearts and love.
and to hold the belief in that love.

aimee reminds me of all that.
and so i wanted to post that here today.

here’s to hearts that love wide.
here’s to loving wide.
here’s to the wide world that needs our wide love.

thank you, aimee, for you child like heart that
takes my breath away.

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November 17, 2016

ha!!

so if you haven’t heard me shouting it
from the rooftops,
i’ll just have to do a little more shouting
over here!

the guys are working on the website.
the products page is redone.
and it’s a darn visual feast!
i keep saying that everywhere i go –
but it really is!

if you haven’t been over,
come on over and check out their hard work.

i am SO excited!!

click right here!

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November 16, 2016

probably the only time anger felt lovely

i had something happen last nite that was lovely.
in a very odd sorta way.

a woman wrote me an angry email.
she was furious with me over one of my quotes
and she wanted me to know the pain i caused.

she felt she had lost her daughter
because of something i had written.
that her daughter didn’t want anything
to do with her now because of that.

for some reason,
i was in a spot where i could imagine how awful she felt.

i’m thinking maybe because it was about a bone sigh.

the bone sighs are truly THE place in life where my belief in them
doesn’t falter.
it never once has.
i’m not sure why, but i’m so grateful that’s the case.

so, i guess because of that, i could open and just see that she had such
anger and hurt and she needed to thrust it off of herself
on to someone else.

it made me think of the world right now.
and how so much of that is going on.

instead of thrusting it right back at her,
i held it with her.
told her how sorry i was that she hurt like that.
and explained my quote, what it meant,
and how it was intended for healing.

i knew she may not be able to hear.
and i was okay with that.
i didn’t need anything back from her.
i was truly sorry she was in such pain.

she also gave me a gift.
she told me in a way that i’m not sure i ever
got before that my words –
(your words, our words, any words)
matter.
and that when you step outside yourself
and try to offer something to the world,
there’s a weight that goes with that.
and a responsibility.
and we need to hold that and be aware.

it turned out she could hear me,
and wrote back to let me know.
it was a good ending between us.
it didn’t have to be.
and i was okay with that too.

looking at this i see some things so darn clearly.
i just wish i could easily carry them into the places
i struggle.
won’t be easy, for sure.
but definitely some things to try to keep in mind –

-my belief in the bone sighs made it so i didn’t need to react.
what if i could believe in myself that deeply?

-holding her pain with her rather than getting defensive
was powerful for us both.
what if i could always do that with those i love when they feel hurt by me?

-her issues and her filters didn’t have to be mine.

-when i don’t look for anything back, it changes everything.

-every word we utter matters.

those are some pretty good lessons to get all at once.
i’m still feelin’ such gratitude for this exchange.

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November 15, 2016

just finding out about jonathan haidt

someone shared a ted talk  privately with me
on facebook recently. i loved the guy
being interviewed and shared it on my wall.

i hadn’t heard of him – jonathan haidt –
and i really liked what he was saying and how
he was saying it.

i ordered his book -‘the righteous mind,
why good people are divided by politics and
religion’

i read just a few pages last nite.
i smiled when i came to this –

‘…the take home message of the book is ancient.
It is the realiztion that we are all self-righteous hypocrites.’

when i read that, i knew i wanted to read this book.

i think until we know that about ourselves,
we can’t really see anyone else.

i had a dream last nite about cannibals!
i kid you not!
i think it came about because of all the hurt
i am watching good people inflict on other
good people.
we’re tearing each other apart.
eating each other alive.

it’s because of the dream i wanted to share the ted talk here
as well as the book. i haven’t read it yet, but i’m
thinking it’s going to help open my thought process
and that’s gotta be a good thing.

my very religious neighbor just told me what’s
goin’ on is god’s doin’.  and then he said we’re
gonna have to learn how to really love.

i really like this neighbor of mine.
i may not think what’s goin’ on right now
is god’s doin’. but what do i know?
the part i really liked tho is that we’re all
gonna have to learn to really love.

we gotta see ourselves before we can do that.
and maybe we’ll get pushed to do just that.

you can find jonathan’s ted talk right here.

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November 14, 2016

me and the moon

the house was quiet.
i had stopped on my way back
from the bathroom to get a drink of water.
looking out the kitchen window
i was amazed that my whole back yard
was lit up in moonlight.

there was a big glow near my roof top.
when i leaned over i could see the light,
but i couldn’t see her.
i stepped outside.
barefoot.
in the dark.
and there she was.
in her full glory.

i just gazed at her in silence.
and then whispered –
‘wait for me, okay?’

i headed back to bed,
snuggling my cold feet in,
and before i knew it,
woke to the alarm.

mentioning a walk as i hugged
him goodbye,
he sweetly suggested i wait for it to get light
before i take my walk.
there’s a lotta traffic and he worries.

closing the door behind him,
i grinned.
no way on earth could i wait.
the moon had waited hours for me.
we had promised each other.
it was time.

i rushed around and ran out to meet her.

i ran up the road and around the corner
to where i knew she’d be waiting.

and there she was.

there she was.

i reached out and touched a gloriously old tree
as i looked up at her.

i stood there, sharing her with the tree.

and then we walked.
together.
she started out on my right
and then changed to my left.
for a brief period i lost her,
but ran to find her again.

i was filled with joy.
and i felt like she was too.

i told her about the world and the stress
and anger and fear all around.
she leaned in close and soothed me.

i made her laugh and i knew she was
as glad to see me as i was her.

but she was sinking in the sky.
getting ready to leave me.
and i got truly truly sad.

what did you expect, terri?
i asked myself.
did you think it’d stay dark
and you’d be with the moon forever?

the feeling of her leaving brought to me
the feelings of things leaving and changing
and the joy of the experiences ending.

and i felt sad.

‘look over there,’ she whispered to me.
“day is coming to be with you.
to bring you new moments,
new experiences.
look to the sunrise with gratitude
and open your hands to the new.’

i wanted to.
and knew i had to.
but the sadness still filled me.

later….while on my fun commute around the block
i stopped my car to say hey to my neighbors.
told them i had been out earlier to see the moon.
and as if they were messengers of the moon herself,
they nodded agreement in the beauty of the moon
and their faces filled with softness as they said –

‘did you see the sunrise? what a beautiful morning!’

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November 11, 2016

holding awareness today…

veteran’s day.
i never know what to do with it.
it feels very complicated to me.

PTSD is in the forefront of my mind today.
the suffering of so many vets carrying that around.

and in thinking of that,
i understood what i wanted to do with veteran’s day.

i want to use it to be aware.
aware that everyone around me is carrying suffering
of some form.

i want to know that today as i look at each person.
i want to act with that knowledge as i deal with each person.

i want to walk softly,
talk gently,
and offer kindness.

at least for one full day.
i limit it to a day because of the attention it will really take.
but, of course, aim for a lifetime of this.

finally, i have figure out a way to honor the day.

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