journal

musings and ponderings…

January 12, 2016

our team

not sure if i ever posted this before or not.
but in looking thru my yellow pad of paper for
something to share, i stopped at this and got
all smaltzy. so i didn’t go any further…
decided to type this one out today.

we laughed.
we talked.
we cried.
we got mad.
we got strong.
we learned.
we grew.
we understood.
we misunderstood.
we hurt each other.
we forgave each other.
we leaned.
we supported.
we cheered each other on.
we shared our victories,
our sorrows, our fears
and our candy.
we snorted at inside jokes.
squeezed together in tight places.
ate off each other’s plates.
stole bites from each other’s desserts.
made home-made presents,
repaired broken pipes
and broken hearts.
mopped up spills of drinks
and of life.
gave each other treats,
headaches,
and hand-me-downs.
we shared on tiny bathroom
in one small house
with one big yard.
we played cat pure the flag
and tag and hide-and-seek.
we watched storms roll in.
we watched blue skies come back.
we learned math, english
and psychology.
we read books,
built things,
and exploded stuff.
i squirmed,
you laughed.
i worried,
you proved me wrong.
and every step of the way
we built ourselves a team.

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January 11, 2016

surrendering…

i was eager to take a walk this morning.
i had a plan.
in talking with a friend who does healing work,
i came up with some ideas to try as i walked.
i figure it would all morph into whatever it would,
but i had a plan to start.

it all went along with some of my new year’s resolutions
and i was quite excited to give it a try.

and so i zipped outside in the dark and the cold.
and i launched right into it all.

giving it my total concentration, i was caught up
in ‘trying’ and ‘working it’ and watching what i could do
with it all.

i went around the block a couple of times deeply
engrossed. i turned into another area and moved
along the sidewalks thinkin’ hard…

and then….

for no particular reason besides it’s what i did –

i totally gave up.

totally and unexpectedly, i gave up.

i was just walking down a sidewalk,
goin’ slightly downhill in the dark,
under the stars,
when i just said ‘ahhh i give up.’

and i looked up at the sky and said
it again.
straight to the stars.
and then nudged a little and said
‘i could use a little help.’

but you know,
i think i got that help the moment
i gave up.
because in that very moment,
i felt better than i had in days.

for a long time now i’ve been trying hard
in different places in my life.
trying real hard.
not giving up.
working at whatever it was that needed
working.

different things.
in all parts of my life.
for different reasons.
and this is the first time i just
stopped trying.

and this huge big wave of relief just
washed all over me.

huh.
go figure.

i had no idea what that meant.
other than it was the right thing to do.

and i walked home.
feeling good.

now.
what about tomorrow?
i think maybe i’ll take these ideas tucked
into my pocket, but i think what i’ll do is
more of an asking and listening and following.
knowing these ideas are right there for me
to use as it feels right.

maybe in the surrendering i remembered listening.

and that’s my plan now…
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January 8, 2016

what if…

it’s chilly and misty today.
the kinda day when you go out,
you bend forward, huddled,
keeping the warmth inside you.

but as i drove along and looked
at the day, i had a thought.

what if the rain/mist was here to heal you.
what if it was here to touch you with its
healing powers?

you wouldn’t hunch over against it, would you?
you’d open to it.
you’d welcome it.
you’d feel it.
you’d let it touch you.
all over.

what if that’s the story with life, terri?
and what if you need to stop hunching over?

open to it.
welcome it.
feel it.
let it touch you.
all over.

and yet i don’t.
because i’m afraid of a lot of it.

maybe it’s time to rethink the way
i walk thru the rain…the mist…life…

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January 7, 2016

weekly email

wanted to share the weekly email here
for anyone who doesn’t get it emailed
to them.

you can find it here.

and if you would like to get on the email list,
you can find the sign up here!

and while i’m sharing links, if you’d
like to get our quote of the day,
you can sign up for that here.

hard to keep up sometimes!

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January 6, 2016

daily encounters

i went to the grocery store early yesterday morning.
and as i was walking in, i passed a woman standing in
the parking lot talking to another woman in a car.
they were laughing and from something she said,
i couldtell they were just ‘acquaintances’ and
not old friends.

as i walked by them, i thought of all the interactions
we have every single day. how that was just one on a long
list of interactions those women would have that day.
and how i would guess most of their interactions would be
pleasant because of the way they were just then.

i don’t have as many interactions as i work at home alone.
but it’s kinda hard to be alive and not interact.

so i watched my interactions today. and while not many,
all were really pleasant. that’s obviously not always
the case. but it’s definitely the case more times than
not. and that brought back a memory.

i was out and about once with an artist buddy.
and as we went thru the day and passed people in
parking lots, or chatted in the stores, or interacted
in whatever way came along, all the interactions were
pleasant. i didn’t think twice about it. but she did.
and at one point, she turned to me, eyebrows up and
asked ‘are ALL your days like this?!’

it took me totally by surprise.
i wasn’t sure what she meant.
she explained that everyone was so nice as went along.
i laughed and said something like ‘yeah! why wouldn’t
they be?’

is it truly what we expect we get? what we give out
we get back? i’m thinking that’s a whole lot of it.

obviously i have bad days. and obviously i come up
against obnoxious people. but mostly people are
really pleasant as i move thru the world.

today i’m thinking about that.
i’m thinking of places that are rougher for me,
harder to make pleasant, and i’m wondering how
much of it i can really affect with what i expect
and what i give out.

i’m thinking a whole whole lot……

so much is up to us.
if we just own it and do it, think of what we can
create?! seemed like a good beginning of the year
thought…..

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January 5, 2016

it’s not windy out.

i love it when people impress me with
their attitudes. that just makes me happy.

i took a walk early this morning.
and it was cold!
for around here, anyway.
it was a whopping 17 degrees at that time of day,
and the ‘real feel’ said it was FIVE!

i moved fast, baby!
wanted to warm up.

there’s an older couple that live around the block from me
that walk around the same time of morning. we see each
other a lot and have become friendly.

when i walked by their house this morning, i thought
for sure they would stay in because of the cold.
but sure enough, i bumped into them.

i told them i was surprised to see them.
thought it’d be too cold.
and the woman didn’t even think about it,
she just looked at me and said so sincerely –
‘well, it’s not windy out.’

i absolutely loved it when she said that.
it was just like ‘yeah, it’s cold. but it
could be worse.’

and i had a feeling she’d be like that with
any temperature.

she just totally didn’t see a problem.

her husband piped up ‘we’re tough.’
and i nodded and laughed.
thing is?
they are.
they really are.

they’ve been thru a whole lot.
and my gosh, what an attitude they’ve got.

i was way impressed this morning.
and as i walked around the corner back towards
my house, i thought ‘yeah, it’s not windy out.’
and smiled.

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January 4, 2016

curious

so in my new year fervor to better myself,
i made a commitment to work with visualizations
to do some inner healing.

in this morning’s visual,
something caught my interest and i’ve been
wondering about it.

i asked over on the bone sigh arts facebook page
for people’s thoughts as i wanted some good food
for thought. and i got some!

the question is –
why would i (anyone) hide my hurt from someone else?

in the visual, i saw how i couldn’t show my hurt
to someone who had hurt me deeply.

that’s not news to me.
i knew i couldn’t.
but i think it was the first time i ever wondered why.

protection came to mind at first.
seems like the obvious answer.

but it felt like there was more there that would
be helpful to sift thru.
but i didn’t know what.
so i thought i’d jump start the process and ask!

the very first response i got, helped right away
as she commented on the different angles of protection.
i hadn’t even thought much past the word.
let alone, what exactly was i protecting.
and if there was even more than one angle to it all.
and yes, my gosh, think there are many!

there were lots of answers that were helpful in making
me think, but probably the ones that hit home the most
were the ones that mentioned they didn’t feel their
hurt would matter to the other person.

ahhhh i hadn’t thought of that.
and that seemed to fit in nicely and seems to be
something to definitely sit and think about.

and then the one that will be so nice to pull out
after i do a whole lotta sifting, thinking and pondering –
that it’s a choice we make if we’re going to show it or not.
it’s a choice.

of course it is.
but how often do i forget that?

all of this feels like gold to sift thru.
and will be really interesting to take into some of these
visualizations i’ll be working with.

thought i’d share just in case anyone else had a little
journeying with this stuff to do…..

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December 31, 2015

the mundane moments that aren’t so mundane…

i was responding to a beautiful email i received
the other day. in it she thoughtfully mentioned my
uncle’s passing along with my dad’s. i wanted to
reply to that part and share something with her to
connect and let her know it mattered to me.

and so i told her of this odd and wonderful and
random or not so random moment i had this season.
i wasn’t outside much at all. it was pretty much
a mad inside scramble with runs to the car and back.

but there was a moment that i went out to the
recycling bin. i purposely keep it kinda outta the
way so you have to go out to it. so you actually
have to put your shoes on and go outside.

and as i was walking back from it, i looked up
and saw three turkey buzzards in the sky.
flying together right over my head.

in an instant i thought of my dad, my uncle and
my grandfather. turns out that my uncle and my
grampa died the same day 20 years apart. and then
my dad died just days later in between those years.
seems like one of those funky quirky things that
are cool to mention. and it was something that
kept me thinking of the three of them together.

and bam.
there above my head i immediately thought of them
flying together.

i laughed out loud as i watched because it was
turkey buzzards and i couldn’t pick a better bird
to represent all three of them!

and then i remembered my dad used to call me
baby buzzard. (no kidding) (i know. i know.)
so then i laughed even more.

and then i stood quietly and whispered
‘fly free, you guys, fly free.’

and in that moment i felt such healing.

i gotta say that i’m not really the bird woman.
or the bird symbolism woman.
i know a lotta people see birds when they’re
loved ones die and that kinda thing.
it’s really not my typical way of looking at
things. but there it was and it just popped
right on in.

and i think in all the years since my dad died,
that was the most healing moment i experienced.

i think maybe because for a moment i totally
let go of everything and truly wished them
freedom of flight.

i think this was the best moment of my entire
holiday season.

and when did it happen?
when i was walking back from the recycling bin.

so as i wrote this out in my email,
i realized i wanted to mix that thought into
my new year’s resolutions and plans –
the idea that the most mundane moments can
carry the strongest magic.

i like that idea.
that thought.
that opening into possibilities.

and so, when i try to untangle all my new
year’s ideas…..that one’s gonna be mixed
right into the thick of it all.

ahhhh so much to sit with.
so much to be grateful for.
including walking to and from the recycling bin.
and buzzards.

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December 30, 2015

grief

it’s isolation.
a god-forsaken from of isolation.
it doesn’t just surround her.
it becomes her.
takes her down.
under.
below.
buried.
brings her to a loneliness so vast
she begins to tremble.
unable to make it stop,
the internal shaking becomes part of her rhythm,
blocking out the sound of her heart.
not sure if she’s still alive,
or is part of some walking dead clan,
she keeps a facade in place.
(for them)
her mouth moves and says the required words.
(for them)
her lips turn upward when a smile is demanded.
(for them)
her throat closes back the throbbing
and the wailing.
(for them)
shuts those noises out from the world –
and keeps them echoing off her ribs.
ceaselessly vibrating
thru her emptiness.
she wonders how she will ever
find life again.
no one can really tell her how.
because no one really understands.
but she will.
somehow she will.
and it is in there,
in the coming back
thru hell – out of hell –
from underneath hell –
and in the finding of life again
and in living again –
it is there that some form of
miracle lies.

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December 29, 2015

xmas lites

we went out looking at xmas lites last nite.
just around the neighborhoods.
the places with big houses,
the places with small houses.
all around.

it was fun to look at the personalities
that come out in the decorating.

some of it really made me wonder.
did they plan that out or was that just
what the had in the box and they threw
it together? i really wondered about that
with one house.

then there’s the blinking lights that will
make you dizzy and go insane –
and the calm and peaceful lights that could
maybe use just a little zing.

i love it all.

i wondered why more people didn’t join in
and why some spots were so full of lights
and others just so dark with no one
participating.

i wondered what it would be like if everyone
decorated.
what would it be like to drive down the
street with house after house lit up?

maybe it’d be too much.
maybe it’d be an overload.

but what a wonderful overload it would be.

an overload of enthusiasm.
an overload of beauty and tacky all mixed together.
an overload of joy and peace and fun.

i was grateful for the lights we saw.
and i realized something –

i always put my outside lights up for me.
i do it because i love them.
i love seeing them from inside my house,
and i love pulling into my driveway and
seeing them.

but truly, next year i’m putting them up
with other people in mind. for the ones
driving around looking for light in the dark.
for the ones looking for that wonderful
sense of joy and peace that xmas lites give
off in the nite. for everyone in the car
who’s looking to go ‘look over there at that
one!’ and who soaks in the glory for a moment
as they drive by.

i want to give them a moment of glorious light.
i really really want to do that.

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