journal

musings and ponderings…

June 2, 2017

tossin’ a thought into the playground…

i had a thought today that i wonder
if we can all play with…

it was on my walk.
it was so darn cool and gorgeous out.
and i thought about how i love it when it is cool in
the mornings  and evenings in the summer.

i remember the first time i ever really liked summer.
i was 19 spending the summer in a town in the mountains
of west virginia. no matter how hot it got during the day,
it always cooled down in the evenings.
i worked a lotta the time outside, and got wicked hot,
but always found myself in a sweatshirt outside that nite.

THAT was my kinda summer.

i thought of the heat.
and how when it doesn’t let up during the day or the nite –
that’s when it feels oppressive. (this is from a gal without
air conditioning.) when even the fans can’t cool you down at nite.

thing is, if you know it’s for a three day stretch or something
like that, you get thru it. you expect those in the summers
and it’s no big deal. you know they come and you know they go.

so i got to thinking about that.
what if we turn the idea of ‘heat’ into the idea of ‘pain’??

just replace ’em.

so –

if you experience some pain in your life but you know it’s gonna
let up that nite and the next morning.
it’ll be back. but there’s easing up periods.

well then, it’s easier to handle.
or if we know it’s not gonna ease up but it’s for a short period of time?
like that intense heat of the summer  –
what if it doesn’t cool down for three days and nites?
well, not fun – but doable.

and if we look at life like summer, we know there’s gonna be
hot/painful times and there’s gonna be stretches where it just hangs
in there.

as i thought about this, i realized i don’t look at pain like this.
i get sucked right into it and don’t think about when it’s gonna ease
up. i don’t think ‘okay, if i can just get thru this amount of time,
i’ll be okay.

so that right there felt helpful to me.
i want to start doin’ that.

but THEN i thought – what if it’s pain you know is gonna be around
for a long long long long long long time. with no foreseeable end?
what then?

i don’t know.
i honestly don’t  know.
i can’t speak for people who are in that kinda pain.
and i don’t have it right now.
so i wouldn’t be so arrogant as to say i know.

but i did think this –
if i practice now, with short term pains and start looking at it like
something i have to deal with and in so doing, work with the time frames
around it – maybe when the really deep long term stuff comes,
i can look at that too.

and if i ever find myself saying – ‘well, okay, this pain may very well
be here for ten years or more…’ maybe i’ll be able to see that i want to
move as fluidly as i can with it. because pain or not – it’s what i got.

just some food for thought as we head into our weekends…….

 

vine_200x67

June 1, 2017

talk about timing!

walking.
deep in thought.
trying to figure something out.
i wondered –
‘should i just trust and know?’

and at that very moment,
the exact same moment i wondered that,
i turned the corner,
looked up,
and gasped.

the most beautiful early morning sky
danced right there above me.
and it was filled with one thought –

‘YES!’
‘trust and  know.’

and then a softer –

‘trust and know, girl.’

vine_200x67

May 31, 2017

sharing

so i have read this quote about five times today.
i went looking for it and then sat with it.
then i went looking again.

then i recalled it and wanted to read it again.
and well, it’s hard to miss the interest here.
it is totally tugging on my sleeve today.

it’s quite a quote –

‘Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.’
– Rumi

so don’t go to the obvious.
go to the less obvious.
and think about it.

yeah.
yeah.
quite a quote, isn’t it?!

was thinking maybe there’s more than just me who needs it today.

smilin’ at you…

vine_200x67

May 30, 2017

a little bit and a little hope…

bit_hopecard

 

i saw the most beautiful post on instagram recently
from someone who was respecting their gifts.
and working hard to honor their talents.
i want to say i took that as one heck of a great reminder.
but i think it’s more honest to say i took it as one heck
of a great thought!

i’m not sure i ever really had it before?
or maybe at least from the angle i caught it in this time.

then this morning – i combined both a bit card
with a hope card. (and yeah, those words are linked so
you can see what they are if you don’t k now about them…)

and got this combination you see above.

wow.

okay – first of all – the ‘she didn’t just survive, she became’ quote
isn’t about me. i wrote it for someone else. but i think that when
we’re transitioning, a lot of us can relate to it.

i’m trying to figure out where i’m going and what i’m doing.
i’m working hard on listening and opening.
i feel like maybe i spent so long surviving, that i didn’t even
think about becoming.
and some of the becoming just happened.

now the becoming feels much more in the front of my mind.
and i so want to respect the journey that got me to this point
and the gifts i have found inside myself along the way.

so when these both showed up this morning together,
well, i loved it.

respect your gifts.
open to where they’ll take you.
and allow yourself to become.

this is what i felt was spoken to me this morning.
and i’m figurin’ that has to be a pretty much all of us message.
not just to me.
so thought i’d share.

vine_200x67

May 29, 2017

memorial day

remember when you were a kid
and memorial day was the opening of the pool?
or picnic day? or just about fun?

i don’t know at what point i started thinking about
what the day really was for. but once i did, it changed forever.

and now with a war that goes on and on and having friends
that are the moms of the vets and hearing their stories
and sharing their losses,
and having sons who are friends with vets, and hearing
their stories and watching their faces,
it’s hard to know how to hold the day.

PTSD and suicide are common threads that weave thru the
stories that i hear. suffering and overwhelm. and a lack of
knowing how to make things better for those suffering.

yes, i want to honor the courage and bravery and sacrifice.
and the best way i can think to do that is by honoring the
pain that travels hand in hand with those things.

honoring the pain, for me,  means talking about it,
looking at it, and trying hard to find ways to hold it and heal it.

as a country, i don’t think we’re doin’ that so well.
so, as individuals, maybe we can work a little harder with each other.
and listen a little closer.
and maybe we can offer some bravery and courageousness back to
these men and women by not turning the other way at the darker
places they find themselves in.

wishing us all some sense of peace on this memorial day.

vine_200x67

 

May 26, 2017

a fleeting moment of grace…

so, okay, it was an odd moment.
even i know that.
but it was so cool,
i gotta share.

i got hurt.
not physically.
but emotionally.
pretty deep.
and definitely sucky.

it took a good conversation for me to see
that if i looked at it all from the other person’s perspective,
while still totally unhealthy,
it wasn’t anything to hurt me.
it was just that they weren’t healthy and this is what they did.

that was helpful because it moved me from hurt and sad
to just sad.
which was a big shift.

i headed into the shower.
and at one point the light on the end of the shower curtain liner
caught my eye.

yeah.
kinda odd.

it’s a clear plastic shower curtain liner.
and the edge of it was curled a bit,
and the actual shower curtain was open a tad
and somehow the light from the room bounced against
that edge and lit it up beautifully.
yeah.
a plastic shower curtain liner that needed cleaning
was lit up with an edge of light –
and when my eyes landed on it,
i thought of god.
i am not kidding.
i know.
odd.
and –
it made me think of my own inner light.

i had been showering thinking of the person who i felt so sad for.
she hurt others because she was so wounded.
and i realized how deeply she needed love.
and then i saw the light there
and thought about my heart.
and how i wanted to offer love.
in a healthy way for myself.
in a way that may not be noticed by anyone else.
but in the best way i could.
for real.

and i could feel it deep inside of me.
it wasn’t just a thought –
it filled me.
i knew what she needed more than anything was love.
and i knew i could offer some.
it was a moment of grace.

and then –
when i walked this morning,
that grace eluded me.
it was back to just a thought.
and the tearing up of my eyes made me realize i was back into feeling hurt.
i walked a bit, trying to get it beyond a thought again.
finally, i asked myself if i believe in myself.
i knew that if i did, this grace thing would come back.
i could somehow feel that my self doubt was blocking it.

i feel kinda in the middle of it all right now –
in between grace and self doubt.
in a place where confidence will stride in,
and then shakiness will tip it over.
a little back and forth.

and as i type, i realize that’s okay.
this is the place i learn in.
this is the place i grow in.
if it was just natural, i’d have this down and would be on to the next thing.
but it’s not. and it’s something i want to learn.

to have had the grace for a moment is really cool.
to know i am capable of it is really helpful.
tho i think the work for me today is to concentrate on believing in myself.
i think the rest will follow. but that’s what i gotta work on first.

and that in itself is kinda awesome as it totally shifts my focus.

it doesn’t matter if anyone else in the whole darn world sees your heart –
it’s up to us to see it for ourselves.
and believe in it.

over and over we get the chance to look.
and to believe.

vine_200x67

 

 

May 25, 2017

finding self love…

i was going thru my quotes
looking for something for a friend
when i came across this quote –

i probably shared it when i first wrote it.
but my memory is shot.
and sometimes that’s kinda fun,
cause when i read some of these it’s like
it’s the first time ever.

for those of us who need to love ourselves –
this one’s for you – for us –

…..

Making knives of their words,
she cut herself over and over again.
Using a club of self doubt, she beat herself
until her beauty fell to the floor.
Not being able to stop the blows,
she watched her own destruction with horror.

Finally she could wound no more.
She turned and walked away –
leaving the heap of herself lying there.

It wasn’t until she came back,
lay down on the floor next to herself,
held herself gently,
washed her bruises and blood with tears
that she could feel herself even wanting to open her eyes again.

I’m so sorry, she whispered thru her sobs.
I’m so sorry to do this to you.
How could I have done this too?
Hanging her head in shame,
she felt a touch on her face.
Reaching up from laying in her own lap,
She stroked her face gently and whispered for her to hush.
That all they had was themselves.
and it was time to drop the shame
and to love each other for all they were
and to never let each other go.

……………

herself

 

May 24, 2017

sharing a fb post

shared this over on facebook today.
wanted to put it here too.
i think it’s a great reminder for every
single one of us.
we all have struggles with something.
some of us can be glad they’re not this big.
others can feel less alone.
and all of us can be reminded to keep on trying!

>>>>>>>

a year and a half ago, my buddy, les, had a stroke.
he’s been workin’ so darn hard ever since to regain his mobility.
he’s a musician. guitar was such a huge part of his life.
he’s not sure he’ll ever get that back. but he keeps workin’ on it.
and is now looking at a keyboard with new interest.
i’ve watched the man’s identity get taken away from him.
i’ve watched him struggle to walk again, and i watch him
every day work hard to make his life what he wants.
to say he’s an inspiration to me is an understatement.

he posted this today.
it was something he had written at the six month mark for him.
it came up as a fb memory and he shared it.
i wanted to share it here to help us all think about our
challenges we have in front of us.

and i want to thank les for sharing his journey with us
and for offering such bravery over and over again.
sometimes i think how close we came to losing him,
and the gratitude just fills me that he’s still here.
AND he’s here inspiriting the daylights outta me!

>>>>>>>>>>

from les –

May 23, 2016. Six months to the day since the stroke. Well, since the big one. In the prior 5 days I had two mini-strokes. Practice strokes.

Yesterday I attended a Writer’s Center Board of Directors meeting for the first time in over 6 months. Walked in (on my own, but still not pretty), and participated in the 2 hour meeting.

My goal had been to be up for attending the Maryland Entertainment Hall of Fame ceremony (invitation thanks to Richard Shelton). I was inducted last year and invited to yesterday’s ceremony. I didn’t reach that goal.

There’s a point here. It is things like attending the MEHOF that help inspire. Even though I didn’t reach that goal it was the trying for that that DID get me to the Writer’s Center. Progress is the point….and being grateful for it and any inspiration that drives it.

Don’t get me wrong. A stroke is a royal pain in the butt. I’m often asked what have been the most important lessons learned. There are many, but one that comes to me most days is…. choice. You make a choice to fight like hell or throw in the towel. If you make the pity party choice….that’s all you’ll achieve.

See you at a gig.

May 23, 2017

do we let go or does it let go?

so in this big dream i had,
the past let go of me.
didn’t want me anymore.
which was an awesome thing for me.
and i was pleased.

but i’m puzzled by it all –
wouldn’t you think in healing that
YOU would let go of your past.
not that your PAST would let go of you?

i asked my girlfriend i was having coffee with
that very question this morning.
the past letting go made sense to her.
so i’m thinking sooner or later it’ll make sense to me as well.

for now, i’m just tickled.

and was thinking –
maybe it’s the highest compliment ever to
change so much that your past can’t deal with you anymore!

sitting with this shift with deep amazement and gratitude.

vine_200x67