November 4, 2015
musings and ponderings…
this morning it was really hard to get up
when the alarm went off. i grumbled and said
there was no reason to ever get up that early.
ten minutes later, i was standing in my front yard,
in the dark, looking up at the stars.
it was so beautiful, you couldn’t be filled with
anything but gratitude.
i totally forgot about the earlier grumbling.
and as i gazed up at that sky,
and those stars,
i wondered if leroy was among them.
he had to be.
my nite sky man.
how do i even describe this guy?
i never met him.
never heard his voice.
but have shared many an email with him.
he wrote one day years ago,
and we hit it off and became friends.
he took the most awesome photos of the nite sky
up in alaska. and he’d travel around with his
camera and just take your breath away over and
over again with his shots of the world.
he did ‘photo symphonies’ for parks and he even
got one of his photos on a stamp!
a talented man for sure.
a loving and supportive and creative soul.
someone who i will always think of when i see
yesterday, i got an email from his son.
leroy had passed away.
we hadn’t talked much in the last few years.
and yet, he’s such a part of my history here.
he’s a household name where we all know him.
he’s been with me a long long time.
and i’m sad that he’s gone.
sad that we all come thru so quickly.
and wish i knew where we all go.
for leroy, tho, i have a place to look for him.
the nite sky.
i know somehow he’s part of that now.
and that makes me smile.
i wanted to share his work with you.
you can find him here, at his website.
leroy, you will be missed.
but you are everywhere there is sky.
November 3, 2015
it is just the most beautiful fall
in my neck of the woods. and i have heard
myself think over and over ‘i just don’t want
it to stop. i want to keep it like this forever!’
and i have to laugh.
the wanting to hold on to things.
the not wanting things to change.
i think i have that goin’ even a little bit more
than usual over here and it’s sneaking out in
little ways like wanting to hang on to the season.
and then i think of winter and the beauty of that
time of year. it’s always been my favorite. and yet,
here i am, wanting to stop everything just as it is.
one of the reasons winter has been my favorite all
this time is the profound feeling i get from the
trees and the sky. there is something really deep
that seems to get touched with the lighting and the
i remind myself of that,
remind myself of the beauty at every stage of
the game, and i smile.
there’s a million ways to practice trust, isn’t there?
and i think i need a little extra practice lately.
i guess i can start with the passing of the seasons.
and let them do their thing and just enjoy them.
and there’s a million opportunities to practice
self compassion as well, aren’t there?
and maybe i can start here too.
as i see how wobbly i can get sometimes and how much
i need to practice trust,
i can smile and offer that compassion to myself.
it’s a journey around and around and around.
and being gentle with myself over that seems like
a good idea as well.
November 2, 2015
i had no idea that going to go grab one of noah’s
photos to share, would make me stop in my tracks
and remember so many things that needed remembering.
his beautiful picture immediately brought back the
visual of my very own white tree.
i went digging for a blog i wrote when this visual
was born years ago. that’s a mistake to do if you
don’t have days and days to go down memory lane.
finally, after getting sidetracked over and over
and not finding what i was looking for, i decided
to just sum up the darn idea of ‘her white tree.’
it was a visual that came as an answer to my searching
and pondering on how to heal some of my wounds.
i thought ‘rebuilding’ something inside of me was
what i needed to be doing. but that whole process of
rebuilding wouldn’t fit, and only proved to get me stuck
over and over again.
in talking this over with my sons, i realized that i
didn’t have to rebuild anything. that what i was
looking for had never left me: it had never been completely
yes, it had been burnt and hacked and scarred…and cut
way way way back – but there, under the ashes were the still
alive parts of my core –
and a visual came of my very own white tree waiting to
this gave me so much to work with. it felt so natural.
how do you help something grow?
you nurture it, you tend it, water it, give it sunlight.
you gotta clear the ashes off from the top of it and
water it with your tears and let goodness and love warm it.
it gave me a start.
it gave me something to sink my teeth into.
it gave me something to hold on to and visualize
and work towards.
and it inspired the bone sigh, ‘her white tree’
“a tree of life.
a tree of knowledge.
a tree of soul.
a tree of goodness.
a tree of her.
it was her core.
and carved in.
it was still there.
It was still there!
pushing the ashes out of the way,
making room for sunlight
and water –
she nurtured it back to fullness,
she nurtured it back to life.
and she and her tree
held the sky and its moon
and together, they danced
and together, they grew.”
noah’s beautiful image can be found at bfg productions
October 30, 2015
ohmygosh, it was one of the most beautiful
mornings ever! i went out to take a walk, and
practically ran to start off with because it
was so wonderful out there.
and as i walked, i noticed the trees.
‘what are they doin?’ i wondered.
sometimes the trees whisper.
sometimes they sing.
sometimes i watch them bend over in laughter
from jokes between them.
sometimes they just know.
but this was different.
so i watched.
there was SUCH energy in the tree tops that
were just goin’ to town in the wind. they felt
so strong – and filled with aliveness.
‘they’re celebrating!’ i thought.
and i just walked and watched and listened
at one point, one reached down and grabbed
a ball of sadness right out from inside me.
just grabbed it like a volley ball and tossed
it to the tree next to it. and there, in the
tops of the trees was my big ol’ sadness boppin’
from tree top to tree top.
it amazed me because it felt perfect.
if someone took something that you were feeling
heavy about and started tossing it around,
it could feel kinda almost irreverent or something.
but this felt so right.
somehow it reminded me –
sadness is all part of the game.
i knew i could leave it up there for awhile and
that would be perfectly cool.
and then it started getting light out.
and it felt as tho the trees were aware of this,
as if they knew they’re secret play time was
coming to an end.
that now there would be more people coming out
and that the celebratory time was for the dark,
with just a few who might notice what was going on.
i headed home.
filled with their energy.
and feeling so grateful i got to witness the
celebrating of a new day and another chance to
play the game of life.
October 29, 2015
you know how it is when you see someone
hurting people you love needlessly?
just because they’re self absorbed
and unable to put another first? yeah. you do.
you want to kick them to the moon.
and i so so so want to do that right now.
but i know i can’t.
i know the entire thing is out of my control.
and my heart breaks watching the pain
inflicted so thoughtlessly.
there’s a lot of frustration there.
not just over that situation,
but over the gazillions of situations like it.
the ones i’ve watched.
the ones i’ve lived thru.
and well, maybe it actually is good i’ve lived thru some.
because i know first hand that you do grow and get stronger
and learn a ton.
and because of that,
under all the frustration
and very deep sadness
is a belief that the ones who are struggling
ultimately will gain along the way
and will ultimately become more of who they want to be.
certainly tho, they’re gaining that the hard way.
there really isn’t such a thing as an easy ride, is there?
so often i see unhealthy people create so much turmoil
around them all the while having no clue what they’re doing.
all the while they’re assuming it’s everyone else who’s out
it’s quite a thing to watch.
it’s quite a thing to live.
i’m working hard on focusing on the growth and the possibilities
with only an occasional break of visualizing sending a few
people to the moon.
October 28, 2015
while digging around for a certain blog post
i wrote years ago, i came across these two.
they go hand and hand and need to be
i read one, then the other and remembered
a world that i have let slip to the side.
a world i want to enter again. i wanted to share
these here for anyone else interested in their own
from march 11, 2009 –
touching my insides….
i so hope i can communicate this….
walkin’….all gray outside.
the gray kinda gray that’s just one shade
of gray….it makes everything kinda feel
like you’re walkin’ thru the inside of
i wondered what would it be like to say
this to myself and mean it:
i love you.
and i promise you that every single day
we’re together i will love you with all
that i have. i have been looking for you
my whole life, and i found you. and i
know what a treasure you are. i cherish
you every single day.
i figured i couldn’t do it. say it and mean
it. but i tried it out….why not just
say it and try it?
and so i did.
and then i just felt this release.
like my whole body got more relaxed.
i could feel tons of tension leave….
and then this visual kinda happened….
you know how you might take a kid…or
someone you can lift up….and
pick them up and set them on the counter
sitting there facing you so you can have
a face to face talk?
well……i kinda did that with my self.
only my self was this…oh man…
how to describe???
almost like a butterfly before they get
all unsticky and spread their wings.
i was like a sticky, unspread me….
it wasn’t icky at all.
but there was so much darkness over this
light and glitter….
it wasn’t bad….
it just was.
there was no feeling besides wonder from
me when i looked at myself.
i sat her in front of me and told her
that i loved her……
and then this feeling came over me….
and i knew i had to listen.
that listening was my job.
and so i stopped talking.
and i saw things….
i saw all parts of me, things that were
inside me but kinda represented like
archetypes or something.
i saw the little girl, i saw the wise old
crone, i saw the mother, i saw the woman,
i saw all these part of me.
they were me and at the same time they were
every woman that ever lived….
it was all of us mixed up in me….
and i was listening, but there weren’t
any words….just feelings.
and i knew….i just knew….
that all these beautiful parts were in me.
they’ve been there all along.
and there’s nothing i have to do to set
them free except allow them to be free.
allow them to be free and listen.
if this happens from saying that to myself
one time and not really even being totally
on board with it….what happens if i start
saying it all the time and really believe it??
i’m writing it down and taking it with me
i’ll forget if i don’t.
i’ll put it aside if i don’t.
and i have a feeling this is something i really
want to touch again…….
and then, from march 13, 2009 –
not sure, but thinking this will make no
sense unless you’ve read ‘touching my insides’
a few posts below….
i gave myself brave points yesterday.
well, i get more this morning. a lot more.
and i’m taking them and holding them.
i’m fighting some inner voices on this one…
but wow….if i’m gonna put something out
there….this should be it….
i’ve been low. got hit in a hard kinda way
and haven’t gotten all the way back up.
walked and tried to figure out how i was feelin.
bruised was about all i could come up with.
lousy. that kinda thing.
got to my goodmorningworldspot and took out my
note…the note that tells myself i love me.
snow’s fallin’. i’m tryin’ to shield the note
from the snow. and i read it in a whisper to
nothing is sinking in. i close my eyes and say
it to myself concentrating harder.
and then i realize i have to go back to seeing
that visual that i mentioned a few days ago…
the non icky sticky butterfly woman….
i realize that i’m fighting a battle here.
and i have been for years and years and finally
the scales are tipping in the right direction.
i can’t let up now.
but i don’t want to. i feel bruised, shaken, lousy
and i don’t want to.
i think of the times when i was sick and i had to
take care of the boys when they were little. how
hard it was, but how i did it anyway because i had
to. because i loved them more than anything and i
okay then.i go to the visual.
and i feel sick in my gut and i lift my inner
self to the counter again. she’s in the same position
as last time. kinda with her side to me, folded in
on herself, not looking up….
and it hits me.
i never saw her face last time.
i got a feeling, i saw all of her, but her face was
to the side. the things i saw were symbols. i need
to see her face. i know she’s me. why can’t i see me?
and i realized that for eight years now i’ve been trying
to see myself. i have been writing bone sigh after bone
sigh about the importance of seeing myself and i haven’t
been able to do it.
here it is.
i need to do it.
and i can’t.
and then i know……i can’t do this alone. she has to
do it with me. and i realize she can’t do it without me.
it’s got to be together.
we’ve got to see together. she’s got to look at me, and
i have to see her.
and she won’t look as she doesn’t trust me to see.
i need a longer walk, i take an extra lap around the block…
i’m on the highway i leave my baggage at and i step over a
muddy penny. walk a few steps past it and stop. turn around.
pick it up. that’s me. that’s what i’m doin’ right now.
i’m tryin’ to find the shiny penny under the mud.
i take it and slip it in my glove, into the palm of my hand.
holding it tight, i go back to my visual.
i acknowledge that if i see i have to remember.
i acknowledge that i’m not sure i can remember either.
that i’m not sure i can pull off what i need to….
but i will try.
and she turns to me. ever so slowly….
and it’s my face in the dark glittery skin kinda look that
the same gashy thing by the eyebrow because i’m
always crinklin’ my face tryin’ to figure something out.
the same lines that i’ve disliked on my face are there on
hers looking like they belong there.
i reach to touch her skin and her hand touches mine. she’s
dark, i’m light…i stop and look at the hands. doin’ this
and she turns her eyes to mine.
i cried and i cried and i cried.
i saw her.
i really really saw her.
but so quickly.
and i couldn’t get it back.
but we’re not done yet.
nah, we’ve just begun.
i gotta name her…and i guess it’s gotta
be butterfly woman.
i don’t know what all this means.
i do know that i’ve been wanting this for
years…..and it’s here. and i gotta follow it…
and that putting this out here is hard.
cause it’s weird.
and it’s me.
and it’s all i got…….
October 27, 2015
sometimes a lot happens at once.
alotta changes happen at once or alotta things
out of your control come whizzing around or life
just seems to be dancing to a different tune. or
your insides just decide it’s time for you to
face a few things.
or all of the above.
or all of the above.
but there comes a moment when you just gotta
holler “ENOUGH!’ and grab what you can and at
least get control of a tiny bit of it all.
i started by cooking and cleaning.
two things that always make me feel like i
can get a grip. throw in a good cry, and i began
to feel like myself again.
and slowly….ever so slowly…i can feel myself
getting back in tune.
it’s when i finally got my furnace to actually work
(nothing too technical here, just a lotta patience)
that i lifted my coffee cup in the air and toasted
a real turn in the right direction.
and it feels good.
baby, it feels good.
i’m writing this post for anyone who’s feeling like
it will never turn back to any kinda good groove.
cause i woulda wanted to read this when i was in that
exact spot – that it certainly will turn back.
it certainly will.
that it’s one heck of a cycle.
and it will circle around again.
and yeah, it’ll keep makin’ the rounds to the other
stuff as well. back and forth and around and around.
just like these beautiful seasons of ours.
some intense harsh days.
some incredibly beautiful soft days.
over and over.
around and around.
and that in itself is a gift.
it’s remembering that when the cycle isn’t in the
pleasant part that’s hard. and it’s reminders
that can help keep us goin’.
sending out a reminder, and a hand squeeze.
October 26, 2015
zakk had the best idea and i’m so excited about it!
he suggested i gather all the highlights,
all the ‘bests’ of that week and then email them
out and share with everyone.
we’ll call it – ‘the week in a nutshell’
and mail it out on thursdays.
you can sign up for it here!
i’m going to try to get the first one out this week!
October 23, 2015
two significant feelings today –
one came as i was walking this morning.
i went out when it was still dark.
and i got to be inside the morning when
it woke up. i was filled with a great mix
of awe and feelin’ so honored to get to
be here and watching such a thing.
after moment after moment after moment
after moment reminding me – i have no
control over anything….i felt off and
but as i thought about it,
i understood how the first was just as
big a reminder of no control as all
the little moments that added up into
a great big ball of a reminder.
maybe it’s a good thing to remember.
maybe it helps keep life in perspective.
even if it doesn’t feel all that great
all the time.
we say we know we don’t have control.
yet i’m not sure how much we believe that.
and then i look out my window at a glorious
fall day and i know that i’m so lucky to be
on this ride i’m on. even without the
October 22, 2015
it was a really short drive.
hardly anything at all.
but still, a great thought surrounded me
in my car and filled my mind and heart.
it was about how precious we are to each other.
and how hard that is to keep in mind sometimes
or to just plain show. and yet, how important
it is to say as often as we can.
walking into my house filled with this thought,
i listened to a phone message from someone i find
very precious. there’s a lot going on in his life
right now and he was giving me an update.
i called him back concerned as he didn’t sound
good, letting the precious thought slip from my mind.
i was kinda living it, but not really thinking it.
if that makes any sense.
at one point i was so filled with appreciation for
him, i just told him flat out that i liked him so much.
and when i heard myself say it, i remembered the
preciousness thought. ah! good stuff. let people know.
and more – it’s more than just letting people know –
keep it in the top of your mind.
hold it in your thoughts.
it’s a form of gratitude.
and while that will help everyone around you,
it will change your entire life.
i’m sure of it.
just as i know i’ll drop this gem over and over again.
but as long as i keep picking it up and holding it,
i’m doing okay.