journal

musings and ponderings…

September 5, 2017

it’s about time for some more mark!

it’s a really busy morning,
so what do i do?
i make the mistake of grabbing
a couple of mark nepo books for
‘just a quick look.’

yeah.
right.

i swear, that man and his writing
soothe me like no other writing i know.

i thought i was doing good by just
grabbing two of his books.

didn’t stop to think that they were my
favorite two and i haven’t read either
in awhile.

looks like these aren’t going back on
the shelf any time soon.

so, okay, it’s been awhile since i
posted anything from him – so i had to share!

this is from the book ‘facing the lion, being the lion.’

‘…a life well lived can be understood as one
that risks not being trapped or governed by its fears,
one that follows the pulse of what matters as it presents
itself. This is not to say that we will ever be free of
fear, but that, in spite of our fear, we can be drawn
by what matters down the unplanned path of time, where
we are often called to choose what is actually there over
what we thought we’d find. In day-to-day terms, to let
time unfold tests our courage. It asks us repeatedly to
stand by our core and unlock our fear and let the story
we are in continue, so that we might live closer to the
elemental moment that is constantly forming everything.’

thought that was a nice nugget to share….

September 4, 2017

offering his all…

one day,
years ago,
he stopped in and offered kind words.

that’s how i met him.

wasn’t in person.
was on line.
on my bone sigh arts facebook page.

not many men stop in there.
but he had come by because a mutual friend
had shared the link.
and he stopped and offered kindness.

and there was something in the way he did so
that caught my attention.

that’s how my journey with les began.
pretty nice, huh?

i found out he was a musician and checked out his music.
met him in person a few times.
and just absolutely loved the twinkle in his eye.
and i knew that behind that twinkle was that something i couldn’t name.
the something that i could feel in that very first act of kindness.

facebook is our main place of connection.
we goofed, we teased, and here and there we shared some life stuff.

always i felt something inside of les.

and then les had a stroke.
actually, i think he had a stroke and then another.
at this point, that’s all a blur.
i just know it got really scary. and i thought we were gonna lose him.

we didn’t.
he survived!
but oh what a road ahead of him now…
the strength he would need to regain his life
was humbling to just think about.

in one of the most inspiring conversations i’ve ever had,
i heard his voice thru the phone, telling me his thoughts about the process
and who he wanted to be as he traveled this journey.

sure enough, whatever i sensed in that very first act of kindness,
whatever it was that i kept feeling inside les,
it was on fire now.
it had to be if he was gonna make it thru.

he has been working hard to relearn everything.
everything.
what is it like to have been a life long musician and wonder if you’ll
ever get your hand working again?
i can’t even imagine.

and that’s only ONE thing on a very long long list of things to deal with.

i watch him and fill with inspiration.
to live a life that inspires others and reminds others to believe in
the strength of the human spirit – well, that’s quite an offering.

and now –
to top it all off –
he just released a cd of music he created pre-stroke!

how does it feel post-stroke to offer this? how does it feel to hear it?
more mixed than i can imagine, i’m sure.

if i had to pick one word for this man, it would be ‘faith.’

i don’t really know how faith works,
but i know things can’t be isolated.
you can just compartmentalize things.

if you have faith in something greater than you,
it’s gonna slosh around all over the place.
i think it sloshed out in that first act of kindness,
i think it splashed thru our interactions,
and i am absolutely sure it washed over his muscles as he chose who he
wanted to be as he traveled the shadows of a stroke…
and i believe it’s flowing all inside this cd he’s offering.

it is with joy, gratitude, and great respect that i am sharing his
news and letting you know of les hatley’s brand new cd, chocolate.

you can download it here
(and other places like cd baby and itunes)
and you actually purchase a copy to hold in your hands here.

les, i couldn’t be more grateful to know you.
you enrich my life every day.
listening to ‘by grace alone’ at this very moment.
thank you for offering your all.

it has made a difference.

September 1, 2017

a new print

we just put up this new print yesterday.
i wanted to share it here,
and it occurs to me that it’s a nice
thought to take into the weekend.

it’s a thought i’ve been thinking about for
awhile now. and there isn’t an easy thing about it –

i think we all need to remind ourselves over and over
about the pitfalls of righteousness,
the importance of seeing thru our own blind spots,
and the deep work of intentional listening.

real space for love is no easy thing to create.
and we can’t even begin until we begin with ourselves.

seems like good stuff to consider thru the weekend.
mindfulness. we so need it now.

you can find the print here.

August 31, 2017

and she smiled…

when i met him,
i was trying to figure out
if there really was such a
thing as love.

all these years later,
i believe there is.
and i know i have a ton to learn.
and whoever says its easy and natural,
well, i’m not sure they’re really looking at all the layers.

here’s the thing tho –
i want to BE love.
yeah.
yeah.
i know.
i already am.
but a whole lotta times i’m not.
or –
let’s just say i get in the way of what i really am.
and i think prolly always it’s when i get caught in me.

my relationship with him is how i’m learning love.
any kinda love. all love. love love.
i mean – really really learning.
and maybe it’s because i want the real deal –
or maybe cause i’m just a darn blockhead,
i find it so darn challenging.

i keep seeing over and over how i get caught in me
and my hurts or my needs or my feelings –
and that is where love gets stuck and tangled.

ahhh but this is hard.
cause how do you not get caught there?
and then if you do manage to do the whole ‘put the other first’ stuff
well, that can get really unhealthy and lead to a lotta dysfunction.
you gotta do it right.
and if you do it wrong, it’s certainly not love.

it’s how to put both yourself and the other on truly equal footing
and not get caught in your own stuff that i’m trying to learn.

today i felt like a big ol’ boulder moved just a tiny bit.
the boulder of me.

maybe it’s the first time i really got a glimpse of the boulder of me.
and realized how in the way that thing is.
or maybe i need it – but just not right there in the middle of the road.
or maybe i need it on wheels so i can slide it around here and there.

i do see how any boulder of any thing is gonna block love.
and i actually WANT to move this boulder of me outta the way.

and how incredibly odd.
i think i can.

only – not always.

but maybe if i move it out of the way once,
i can work up the muscle to move it out again.
and then again.

with all this in mind, i sat down and pulled a hope card and an intention card.

and look what i picked!

August 30, 2017

in case you never saw it…

my sons made this bone sigh intro
for me FIVE YEARS AGO!
i forgot all about it.
and they’ve been doin’ some video work
lately for one of their clients and it made
me think of this.

some of you are fairly new to bone sighs,
so i wanted to post it here as a way to
share just a little bit more.

so if you haven’t seen it and you’re so inclined,
give it a watch!

 

 

August 29, 2017

and to go with the blog below…

i made this today.
since i had the thoughts that i talk
about in the blog below.

this is one of the ‘weary world offerings.’

here’s the write up that i include when i post them –

In an effort to kinda soothe the weariness in my bones
that I have been feeling 
with the world, I decided to make
these original offerings. Low cost so that anyone

can afford an original, with messages of light as a way
of easing the weariness.

They are watercolors mixed with my words and feelings.
Each one will be made 
as a prayer to the world.
Each one will be wrapped and packaged with extra love.

They’re matted to a finished size of 8 x10″.

you can purchase it thru my etsy site here,
or you can just email me and i can send you a link. each of these offerings
is $35 with $3 shipping.

this one was such therapy today!

 

August 29, 2017

wow…

somewhere around ten years ago,
i lost a belief that i had my whole life.
it was that love/good always won.

i got knocked for a loop watching a tragic
story play out, and then got a few gut punches
after that.

i definitely had the belief beat outta me.

it hasn’t changed.
i still don’t believe it.
don’t think i ever will again.

but! a brand new thought crept in this morning
and i am just kinda oh….stunned?

yeah.
stunned with it.

what if love doesn’t always win in the world –
but what if it does INSIDE ME?

now THAT i can believe.

i don’t believe it just happens.
i think it’s up to me to make space for it,
and to have deep profound faith in it.
i think that’s my part and i gotta do that.

but if i do –
then yeah, it absolutely always can win.

i don’t know, guys,
it makes me tear up just thinking about it.

and the long winding process of getting to this point
where this idea can roll in like a thick mist and just
hang there all inside of me…well, that just makes me
shake my head in wonder.

not sure anyone else has ever struggled with the idea of
love always winning or not – but i think  i just found a place
i can totally believe in.

and that in itself is enough to rock my world –
because that’s sayin’ i totally believe in my ability to let it.

stunned? yeah.
tears? yeah.

 

August 28, 2017

i’m not sure if this counts…

does it count as a real blog
if you don’t know what the heck
you’re talkin’ about?!

oh…i guess it has to as this isn’t the first
time i didn’t know!

it just feels more obvious today.

i don’t even know how to share here –
but i wanna try.

a deep part of me got hurt.
my inner child part.
and yes, i believe with my whole heart that
‘little terri’ is active and present inside of me.
and my gosh, did she slam the door closed,
stomp around quite a bit,
then leaned hard against the door so it wouldn’t open again.

i have no way of explaining it,
but i know when that part of me gets hurt.
it can be a really huge reaction.

and i swear, it can feel like dealing with a crowd
as one part of me has a fit, and the other part is
saying ‘breathe and be who you want to be.’ and
other parts are just spinning.

jeesh.

it’s all settled down and is being worked out and
things are as okay as they could be right now.

so that’s not what the blog’s about –

what i’m thinking about now is how to respond to
a very real child part inside of me and honor it
all the while using my adult knowledge to grow and
become more.

to honor both parts of me.

so i took a walk under the stars this morning and i tried to sort thru it.

i can’t just tell a part of me that other people’s actions
are okay when they’re not. that ends up leading me into
dangerous territory where thoughtless treatment is accepted and excused.
been there. done that.
nah….can’t do that anymore.

i have to acknowledge when something hurts.
i have to have room for that and know that what hurt me wasn’t okay.
and that the strong reaction IS okay.
that it’s understandable and normal and acceptable to have.
(that’s accepting the kid part)

and THEN – i have to (want to) move forward into healthy solutions.
(that’s utilizing the adult part)

so i actually feel like there’s an adult part of me that has to somehow
let the kid part know – yeah, that hurt, sucked, was wrong, we’re gonna cry,
and then we’re gonna be smart and be healthy and still love like we want to.

i feel like maybe that’s the beauty of having the different parts.
they work together.

at this point, it’s all in my head.
i walked, and thought about it.
but couldn’t feel the connection with that part of me.
so i’m pretty sure i’m missing something.
or maybe i just need a few more tries.

i’ve tried this kinda thing before.
but this feels different in the sense that it feels really really hard
to gain the trust of the child part.

which has me thinking maybe i need to shut up a bit and listen more.

yeah. yeah.
i think that’s true.

and i got that from typing this out.
so thanks for bearing with me.

it’s on my mind, it’s what i’m wondering about,
it feels exciting and tiring
and so i thought maybe it was worth sharing…
even tho i have no idea what i’m really talking about.

 

 

 

August 25, 2017

listening and releasing…

it’s kinda surprising that i don’t have
a gazillion posts about my cycles and
my hormones as i’ve always kinda liked
that stuff.

i guess there’s still that ‘terri! it’s the internet!’ thang.

but this morning was just too cool not to write about.

i’m 56 and still get my period. this past year it’s been funky
and with each month, i think that it’s gonna end soon, but
it doesn’t.

and i haven’t wanted it to.
i have always LIKED my cycle.

i find it absolutely wondrous and so cool that my moods change
and certain things get heightened at different times each month.
my favorite part is probably the mellow reflective mood that comes along.
i like that one.

i like how the healthier my body has been, the easier the cycles have been.
i like how that feels like messages to me to take care of myself.

i like how it reminds me over and over how incredible the body truly is.
every month i’m in awe all over again.
i’m  not kidding. i think it’s amazing.

the idea of it all ending hasn’t appealed at all.
an ending by it’s very nature is a finality. and i haven’t like that finality.
i don’t think it’s just because it marks ‘old’ in my mind,
and how i figure i’ll miss it.
i think maybe it’s even more about marking ‘no more motherhood’ –
which is silly as that kinda obviously happened anyway.
but the symbolism of some stuff is just plain ol’ strong.
and that symbol has been a hard one to accept.
and the idea of letting another thing go that i love….well, that’s never easy.

but this morning –  as i felt really wiped out and was having some
major cramps. i thought about my body trying to talk to me.

and so, i lay down on the couch, stopped all thoughts, and just felt the pain.

i smiled.
it reminded me of birth.
that deep inside you pain.
and this was so much easier.
which definitely put the pain in perspective.
i just lay there feeling it and marveling at the very fact that i could feel stuff
that was goin’ on deep inside of me.

and then i got to thinking about it.
how maybe it was trying to tell me i needed to let go of it.

you know those stories of people who hang on and hang on and
won’t pass until someone they’re worried about says ‘you can go,
it’s okay.’??

i got to thinking – maybe i was keeping it here. by my not wanting it to go.
and maybe it needed to go.

and i lay there and said ‘when you’re ready, i’m okay. you can go. i’m ready.’

now….i may have my cycle 5 more years for all i know.
and i don’t care. it will do what it does.
all i know is i haven’t had cramps since i did that,
and i realize on a really deep level i truly am ready.
and maybe my body needed to know that as much as i did.
or maybe it was my body who knew and has been tryin’ to tell me…
yeah, that sounds much more like it.
yeah.

 

 

August 24, 2017

yes!

who knew?
the weather changed –
and i could feel this heaviness lift
right along with it.

who knew weather would make such a difference?
and it hasn’t been that hot!
but i guess it’s been pretty darn humid.
and that would feel heavy, wouldn’t it?!

throw in the heaviness of the world with that humidity
and i think it was just too great a weight.

one or the other – just not both.

so here i am with the gorgeous weather wanting to do
a thousand things. where as yesterday it was all i could
do to get thru my to-do list.

and i’m reminded once again –
havin’ a slow heavy day?
that’s okay.
they don’t stay forever.
and yeah, mine will lift easily right now as i’m not grieving or
dealing with really hard stuff –

maybe yours won’t lift so quickly and easily –
but the heavy does lift sooner or later.

and sometimes we need a reminder of that.
thinking of a particular friend as i write this –
and sending her and all of us a hug!

rest when you need to rest.
and remember – things change.
weights lift.
and new days can feel really good.