journal

musings and ponderings…

January 6, 2017

multi tasking

i watched a little bit of a home movie recently.
i was a young mother.
two kids. (third one yet to come)
and definitely an expert multi-tasker.

as i walked this morning i thought of what i saw.
of how i could serve dinner with a kid in my arms,
of how i ate dinner with a kid on my lap.
of how i didn’t do much of anything without
some form of holding, touching, nurturing going on at the same time.

i thought of how sometimes i miss the days of when the
kids were young. but watching that made me realize that
i was in a totally different place now.

a time to nurture me place.

and then it dawned on me –
if i nurtured myself half as much as i nurtured my kids,
my gosh, what would that be like?

as it is right now,
i won’t multitask and nurture me.
i wait until things are quiet, or i take the time to just give to myself.
everything else stops.

but what if i consciously nurtured myself as i went along doing
all the day to day stuff?

what if that young girl who could squat down with a kid on her leg
while she helped the other kid tie his shoe, all the time being loving
and kind to them both could do that for herself as an older woman?

what if i didn’t wait for the quiet times to nurture me?
what if i mixed it all in together consciously?

how?

well, i’m not sure.
i’m just not sure.

maybe i can just start with being gentle with and aware of myself.
maybe i can do that heart thing i was talkin’ about yesterday where
i ask to be led deeper into this idea.

yeah, maybe i can do that…..

i just wrote this down on a note on my desk –

lead me,
help me,
guide me
into self nurturing all the time –
help me become a multi-tasker who
nurtures her soul everywhere.

yeah…….gonna ask my heart.

perfect to head into the weekend with……

always_right
always right

“whenever she didn’t know what to do,
she knew offering love was always right.
starting with herself
and moving on from there.”

January 5, 2017

strings, parts and levels…

someone ordered ‘a vow to my heart’ today.
she told me that she wanted to be reminded to listen.

the quote reads –

“i will work on the act of listening to you
and my listening abilities will grow.
i will honor those things
you relay to me and act upon them.
when i act upon them,
i will know that i am living my truth
and owe no explanations to anyone.
i will believe in your ability to accept
all emotions and will not close down to
protect you.
i will direct my energies
and my power to a place that will
strengthen you, not deplete you.
i will follow you in the way i wish
the world would follow you.
the child of the universe
and the heart shall meld
and we shall dance as one.”

i wrote this when i was just starting out with bone sighs.
the early days.

all these years later, i mostly focus on the thought
that i need to listen more,
pay attention more.
i tend to think of where i need to go
rather than how far i’ve traveled.

but today,
after reading the quote,
i realized how much better my listening has become.
and how much more comfortable i have gotten in
making space for my heart to talk to me.

i feel like a really big shift is happening in me.
and i don’t know how these things work.
and i forget or don’t realize that there’s so many
strings to it all, along with so many parts of me
that dance inside of me. then throw in all the
different levels of myself – and wow –
how the heck does it all work?

not sure i’ll ever know.
not sure i need to know.

but today, i saw how something i needed to understand surfaced.
the only thing i did to intentionally come upon this is to stop and
do some writing when i felt the urge.

that’s it.

but that –
the hearing, the feeling, the stopping and honoring –
that makes all the difference doesn’t it?

the more i trust that,
the more all the strings, parts and levels can speak to me
and let me know what i need to know.

all these years later i see how far i’ve come,
how far there is to go,
and how amazing a journey it really is when you listen.

seeing this today makes me really want to remember –
next time i feel really lost, to just remember to trust and ask my heart –
‘talk to me. show me. help me.’
and then make space for that to come.
and to know it will.

a_vow_to_my_heart

a vow to my heart

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January 4, 2017

digesting it all…

i had an experience last nite
that seemed way helpful in some
healing i need to do.

when i went to bed, i was tired,
but on the verge of joyful.
JOYFUL.
i could feel some BIG stuff happening.

and then this morning,
i didn’t feel well.
been wondering if i’m getting sick.
stomach’s unsettled.

and the timing is totally interesting me.

let’s face it,
if you get the stomach flu,
you know it.
and i don’t know it.
i keep wondering.
so it’s not that.
maybe i ate something that didn’t sit well.
maybe.

or maybe there really is a whole lot for me
to digest from my experience last nite.
and while it did make me joyful,
not all of it was good.

and i’m really really curious if today
i’m feeling that.

i’ll never know.
cause how can you know?
but i’m treating it as if that’s the case,
and being really careful and gentle with myself.
reminding myself that this is big stuff,
deep inside,
and just being compassionate with my heart.

and that in itself feels so healing.

body mind and spirit – i know they’re connected.
i’m feelin’ it today.
maybe not in the best way –
and yet, it’s so darn awesome, i can’t help
but feel intrigued and inspired.

if you can feel it in this not so great way,
you can absolutely feel it in wonderful ways!

yes.

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January 3, 2017

no problems here

yesterday was a federal holiday.
but it wasn’t a bone sigh holiday.
i was rarin’ to go to dig into work.
how committed was i?
so committed that i got up at 5:00
while my partner – a federal employee –
enjoyed sleeping in.

i walked.
did yoga.
did a morning ritual.
then grabbed my work list.
i was on it.
nothing was gonna get in my way, baby!

and then.
the internet went out.

99% of my work list yesterday was
internet related.

no problem.
i just figured i’d do some of my evening stuff
in the morning and then juggle.
figuring it would all come on shortly.
i had this.

two hours later,
with no phones either as they’re internet connected,
i drove over to my sons’ to see if they had internet
and maybe check the outage.

as i drove over i saw a road closed.
oh. hmmm. okay. that’d explain it.
and that couldn’t be good.

and right then, perspective landed on me.

while i couldn’t see what happened,
i figured i was pretty darn lucky.
i wasn’t gonna get stressed over dumb things.

stopped over the guys’ house,
checked on things and went home.

few hours later i decided to bring the one thing
that had to be taken care of over to their house,
deal with it quickly and then leave the rest go.

driving home that time, i saw the road crew
pulling a part of a pole. the road was still closed.

i have no idea what happened.
but seeing part of a pole was enough for me.
it was a rainy slippery day.
and i was going home to snuggle in the warm and quiet.

i’d catch up today because i could.
because i was here, i wasn’t hurt and i was healthy and fine.
i had no interactions whatsoever with a pole.
there’s no problems here and i know that.
and that is keeping a lot in perspective for me today.

it’s all so precious.
and i forget that all too often.

feeling deeply grateful this morning.

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December 31, 2016

it’s all in the loving…

it seems i keep getting inspired
in the strangest places.

i guess it’s that the new year is almost here –
my watching and pondering is on hyper-sensitive-over-drive.

here’s some of the thoughts swirling around inside of me
as i head into new year’s eve –

if we’re lucky,
we get to grow old.

that right there isn’t guaranteed.
so that’s a big gift in itself.

and then if we get that gift,
it’s not just something you get handed and it’s all gravy.

everyone knows that.

you’ll never hear an old person say it’s easy.
we all know that.
and sometimes i watch the elderly and get
really afraid of how hard it is.

thing is –
i want a shot at it.
i want to get the gift of growing old.
i hope i get it.
and if i do,
i want to understand it’s a gift.
not a curse.

and if i wanna make it a real gift,
it is dawning on me that i have to start now in making it so.

i believe you can be a beautiful old person.
and i believe many people don’t work at that.
and they just become an old person.
the beauty has eluded them.

and i’m thinking the beauty comes from the journey of trying to evolve.
to become more. to grow.

and i’m thinking where we really learn to evolve is in the loving of another.

any other.
as long as it’s really loving someone.

friend, family, lover, anyone –

really loving someone is where you gotta stretch like nowhere else.
it’s where you gotta see someone and accept someone even when it’s not all pretty.
it’s where you gotta own your own issues and untangle things inside you
and unknot the knots that keep you closed.

it’s learning to hold the pain and sorrow and seeing the joy and goodness.

maybe we never get that all sorted out, or figured out,
but maybe in the act of sorting and figuring,
we learn the things that matter.
and we soften and we open.
and maybe in that learning and softening and opening
maybe that’s where the beauty lives.

maybe that’s how we get it?

a few days ago, i was struck with how difficult all the relationships
in my life could be. how truly there was so much work involved in
trying to keep things healthy and growing. i was tired and kinda
wishing it was all a bit easier.

but then i saw some people who i don’t believe work on this stuff anymore.
maybe they think they don’t need to anymore,
maybe they’ve been too hurt to care anymore,
maybe there’s as many different reasons to stop trying to love as there are
people who’ve stopped.
whatever the reasons, i saw the results.

there’s a dullness. sometimes an ugliness.
maybe not much light. different things, i guess.

all things i don’t want.

and as the new year comes rushing forward,
i’m thinking the way to the beauty is thru love.

which changes the ‘i wish it was easier’ thing –

with this thought now i want the challenge.
i want to feel weary from trying to be as open and loving
and honest as i can with someone.
i want the frustration of getting it wrong and trying again.
i want to keep at the work of loving as real as i possibly can.

because there’s a beauty and a light that’s there to be held.

and i want to be that old person that has it.

i’m thinking 2017 is going to give me plenty of practice.
may i embrace every lesson and remember the light that is there
waiting to become me.
waiting to be uncovered in me.

happy new year!

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December 30, 2016

reflecting

i took a walk this morning.
realized it would be my last
morning walk of the year.
wow.
so i started thinking…

what did i learn in 2016?

and i think what i mostly learned is the value
of no knowing much. i really think that is kinda
the bottom line in a whole lotta things i experienced
this year.

i have only just begun to even step into this way of being.
i have seen how limiting my knowing has been,
and how freeing not knowing could be.

that the less i know, the more i am able listen.
the less i know, the more i want to am able to hear.
the less i know, the less i need to talk.
the less i know, the more room there is for discoveries.

i’m kinda tired of getting in my own way
with figuring i have the answers.
i think that’s what 2016 taught me.
that it’s time to try to just listen and learn.

kinda cool.

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December 29, 2016

i’m likin’ this idea…

women have told me over and over
that they found they could get comfortable
with themselves when they hit their fifties.

and that’s kinda echoing thru my head right now
and giving me hope that maybe i can pull
at least part of this off –

i wanna figure out a new year’s resolution
i can make dealing with my comfort of myself.

here.
let me start at the beginning.

recently i watched someone’s insecurities leak
out and make them uncomfortable.

i was surprised, as i wouldn’t have thought of
this person as an insecure person.
i honestly thought they’d be so self confident.

and when i saw they weren’t, it made a big impression
on me.  and it showed me how much these insecurities
really get in our way. and how totally needless, pointless,
and stupid they are!

and it made me want to just stop already
and put mine down.

yeah, but okay.
how the heck do you do that?

i’ve come to this same place with other things before.
how to put something down, for me, seems to be
answered with not so much putting it down,
but rather with picking something else up.
so that there’s only room for what you pick up,
and the other just has to be put down then because
there’s no room for it.

so what do you pick up, terri?
maybe just plain ol’ being comfortable with myself.

yeah.
yeah.
cause i’ve noticed, i’ve gotten more comfortable.
so i can work on picking that up more and more.

now, let’s not get carried away –
i’ve got those deep insecurities that i wonder if they’ll
ever leave. and well, maybe that’s a level i just gotta
work my way down to. i’m not even going to worry
about that.

cause i know i can start on the upper levels –
the levels of where i’m just meeting new people
or something pretty basic – i want to just be comfortable
with who i am.
i’m pretty sure i can do this with some paying attention.

and here’s the part that just tickles me –
it’s a gift for EVERYONE.
it’s not just for me.
it’s for those around me.

i know when someone’s insecure around me, it takes away
from the real give and take we can have. it takes up space
where authenticity could be. it makes people try to be something
they’re not or cover up what they are.

and i really get how that’s a waste of time now.
i don’t want to be doing that.
i don’t want to offer that anywhere i go.
i want to offer who i am.

and then…there’s that permission thing –
when you do that, others have permission to do the same.

it’s totally something that changes energy around you
as well as your own.

i am totally likin’ this idea.
want to polish it up a bit and add it to my resolutions.
or maybe i should start calling my resolutions my ‘intentions.’
i like that better.

rubbing my hands together and gettin’ ready for a new year!

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December 28, 2016

anger, baby!

i got mad yesterday.
go figure.
anger doesn’t typically set up camp
and hang out inside me.
i have angry moments, of course.
i get angry.
but it’s really a rare thing to have an
angry day.

but i did.

something sparked a memory,
and then a lot came pouring out.

just when i thought i’d get over it,
and it would all pass,
something else came along that musta
hit similar buttons, and i could feel it
flare all over again.

and it just kept goin’.

because that’s unusual for me,
i could watch it a bit.

and i could be self aware enough not to
take it out on those around me.

but i could hear the edge in my voice.

and gosh, it felt so lousy.

i got to thinking about people who were
struggling this season.  and how this was
just a fraction of what they felt like.
i wanted to keep that in mind.
it seemed important to use it to understand
some of the lousy that people were dealing with.

it’s not like i haven’t ever had a lousy christmas,
but it’s a whole lot easier to really hold something
in others when you can feel it too.

and i thought it important to let it be there.
thought maybe it needed to visit for a day.
so i left it.

but by that nite, i was ready for a laugh.
i found a goofy movie,
curled in and let myself laugh.
and cry.
and laugh some more.
and cry come more.

lousy still lingered when i went to bed.
but i knew it’d pass and today would be fine.

that knowing right there changes everything,
doesn’t it?
and i realize so many don’t have that.
cause the lousy isn’t passing that fast.
and they gotta wake up to it all over again.

it is to those in that place right now i wanted
to just reach out and squeeze your hand.
i’m sorry.
cause that’s just hard.
and i want to remind you that it will pass.
even if that takes a lot longer than we want.

sitting down next to you,
and thinking maybe we need to curl in to a
goofy funny movie.

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December 27, 2016

posty notes

i’m going to try to clean up my desk today.
i gotta start thinking of a new year.

as i stood there looking down at it,
i saw my little yellow posty note –
‘heart open

i smiled.

and came to remind us all –

heart open

gotta put that posty note somewhere special!

posty

 

December 26, 2016

gravy

i got up early on christmas morning.
i can’t help it.
it happens every darn year.
i roll over or something and remember
what day it is…..and bam.
it’s over.
i can’t sleep any more.

i mean – it’s christmas!

so i slipped out for a walk.

but okay – it was later than i usually walk.
the sun was up.
so i guess i did sleep in a bit.

i was afraid i had missed the morning magic.
which was dumb.
cause you can go out at any time of day
and find the magic.
and besides, it really was still early –
the morning was mine.
and that is magic!

i walked and looked at the golden coppery sun
painting the tops of the trees.

i thought about how lucky i was to be here seeing that.
which made me think of the greatest gift of all –
just living.

so here i was.
christmas morning.
in the magic.
looking at the trees.
holding the gift of being here,
and of course –
that brought the tears to my eyes.

i was going to head back home,
but couldn’t bear to go inside just yet.
so i took a turn down to where i could
really see some trees.

and as i headed that way,
i heard the geese flying overhead.
looking up, i gasped.
i had never seen this before –
as they flew, the sunlight reflected off their bodies,
totally lighting them in gold!

i couldn’t believe it.
golden geese just for me.

i stopped and just watched.
and as they flew, it was almost like an optical illusion.
they turned into this wave of movement that didn’t
even look real.

i stood there basking in the magic.

and knew that everything after this today was gravy.

and i gotta tell ya –
it was a day filled with delicious gravy.

i know it woulda been delicious anyway….
but starting out with magic sure seemed to add
that gourmet taste.