journal

musings and ponderings…

February 26, 2016

from the head to the heart…

i got to take a coffee break with two
of my sons today. it’s been a long time
since i’ve spent any time with them
and it felt so darn good.

we got to talkin’ about the journey
of getting something that you know in
your head to travel down into your heart.

i felt some of that kinda travelin’ goin’ on
inside me yesterday evening and i didn’t really know why.
i have been wondering for months how to get some
head stuff down into my heart and just been stuck.
and there some of it was, moving down…

how come?
why then?

one of my sons nodded and said he felt a similar
thing recently.

and i think it’s been too long since my sons have
hung out with me as i don’t think he expected my
leaning over asking ‘how?? how did you get it to
shift??’

he didn’t really have an answer and was trying to
figure out when he felt the shift. he gave a time
he thought it happened but his brother corrected him.
apparently the brother witnessed it happen without their
really even knowing.

but now they were thinking about it, they agreed.

so the shift can be seen.

it’s felt by ourselves.
and seen by those around us.

but how does it happen?
do we do something to make it happen?
or does it just have a life of its own?
is that life pushed forward by our being aware
and wanting the shift to happen?

i have no clue.

there’s a voice inside me that’s whispering
that it’s the opening to it that does it.
the over and over opening.
that eventually one of those openings does it –
it makes the pathway open enough for the traveling
to happen between that head and that heart.

i like that idea.
i like that visual.
it gives me something to remember and work with.
it gives me yet another reason to work on opening.

i like it.

vine_200x67

February 25, 2016

dawn

it’s been awhile since i’ve seen the day wake up.

i’ve been walking,
but usually in the dark –
pre-dawn.

this morning tho,
i was delighted to find that the dawn
and i were out together.

i got to thinking of her as a her.
and how gloriously beautiful she is.
and how her beauty reminds me of my own
light and beauty.

and i got to thinking how there are
times i’m around people that i find
beautiful – and when i’m around the
ones that are beautiful inside and out,
i feel good around them.
i remember my own value.

when i’m around someone who is just
beautiful on the outside, i tend to get
a bit critical with my own looks.
i get kinda small and tight.

interesting.
that’s not their doing.
that’s up to me how i react, ya know?

so i’m not exactly sure what i pick up
and what i react to. but i know there’s
a difference in how i react to certain
beauty.

so then, of course,
i got to thinking about beauty.

and how being truly beautiful is being
just like the dawn – showin’ up faithfully
and doin’ your thing, and lighting your world up
with what you are. and how when we do that –
truly do that –
we remind others of the beauty inside them.

i thought that was kinda cool.

vine_200x67

February 24, 2016

a moment

we had a moment –
a powerful moment.
where we truly listened.
and i don’t think that happens
as much as we think it does.

she quietly said she needed to be heard.
i stopped.
everything.
held real still and told her i was listening.
and she said what she needed.

the tears came as i let her speak
and i told her that i heard her.

we paused.

and then i said ‘i need you to hear me now.’
and she quietly said ‘okay.’
and i responded to what she said.
and i heard her tears.
and she told me she heard me.

one moment.
where one soul really spoke to another.

those are too few and far between.

vine_200x67

February 23, 2016

a little moon zing…

i haven’t been outside much at all lately.
bein’ sick and then just tryin’ to catch up
has left me indoors.

and you know how when you’re
indoors a lot, you kinda forget
how much it matters to be outside?
i don’t know if everyone does that,
but i just get kinda numb or dull
or something.

so last nite, when i offered to do
him a favor and run out to the car
and grab something for him, i was
just doin’ him a favor. wasn’t
thinking of going outside.

but bein’ the ever practical one,
since i WAS goin’ outside, i grabbed
the recycling to go out and the
trash and the car keys and had
my hands completely full as i walked
out my front door.

my head was bowed down as i took
the first step out. and then as
i closed the door, i looked up.

and saw her.

the most glorious foggy fuzzy
shimmering moon you’d ever want
to see.

and without even thinking i said
right out loud ‘oh WOW.’

and i just stood there with
my hands full looking at her.

and i could feel this zing of
energy inside me.

honest to pete it was like something
just completely woke up inside me.
like the numb dullness stuff just left.
and i remembered what it was to live.

just like that.

with one look at the moon.

bam

i was alive again.
really alive.

i did all the outside errands
keeping my eye on her the whole time.

and when i came in, i had the biggest
smile on my face.

i looked over at my guy and said
‘the best thing that happened to me all
day just happened – i saw the moon.’

and she saw me.

vine_200x67

February 22, 2016

rituals

i used to do rituals.
my own kinda take on rituals.
i understood that stopping and
intentionally doing something
symbolic was important.
and so i did rituals.

and then…

i didn’t.

i just stopped.

i think i got busy.
way busy.
tryin’ to keep my head above water.

and i just never went back.

until yesterday.

while, not exactly a ritual,
it was the closest i’ve come to in years.

i purposely made some tea,
lit a candle,
put on music that tears open my soul,
sat on my living room floor in a spot
where i can just see trees and sky,
and i grieved something that needed
to be grieved.

i knew something that was so incredibly
beautiful had been lost. and that the people
it had been lost to may never even know it.

and i knew that good was still to come for them,
but that something had died. and maybe something
else was birthing, and i hoped it was –
but i knew of the death.

and i wondered if quite possibly i was the only
one who would ever really understand what had
died.

and i knew that it was time to sit with that
and honor that and just be with that.

to intentionally be with sorrow –
i think it’s something i must remember that
i absolutely need to do.

because when i don’t, everything gets out
of balance. and maybe the trying to pretend
i’ve got it, and it’s all okay, is just never
gonna work.

intentionally being present to a feeling is powerful.
and i think, necessary.

and i remembered that as i sat there totally feeling
what was inside of me.

i woke up a little bit more yesterday.

and i don’t want to go to sleep on this one
ever again.

vine_200x67

February 19, 2016

opening into the vulnerability…

and the little voice whispered –
‘this is the stuff of your journey,
this is the stuff that needs to be shared.’
and so i sit myself down wondering where
to even begin.

it’s been a hard start of the year for me.
for different reasons.
some of the reasons big.
some of them not so big –
but feeling like they were anyway.

all of them making me question who i am
and what i’m doing.

those are big uncomfortable questions.

and i’m thinking that love month has kept me
going and helped me more than i could have
ever imagined right now.

love month and working on focusing on the
good. cause, truly, there is so much good.
all the eating right and exercising resolutions
have helped. so much has helped. i was doing
good. holding my own. keeping the wolves at bay.

but then a cold knocked me down.
and weakened me.
and the love letters to myself stopped.
the worries about work ramped up.
and the self doubt turned into much more
than doubt – complete with name calling.

yeah, the cheer leader for loving yourself
was calling herself names yesterday.

and trying so very hard not to believe them.

it was just a cold.
a pretty good cold – but still – just a cold.
at first it felt good. it brought me perspective.
i could see how lucky i was and how much i had.

but then…it brought all my fears to light
and crumbled all the strength i had.

so there i sat last nite trying to get
away from the voices in my head. sure
that if i could just get a good nite’s sleep
all would be better today.

and this morning found me crying and cleaning
and arguing with those voices in my head that
were still there. louder than ever.

i’m better now.
a good cry, a good conversation,
and some plans on how to handle things that
need handling have brought me back to some
sort of balance.

but the balance is precarious.
and i know that.
and that’s why i’m listening to that little voice
that says to put this out there.

because so many of us are in the middle of this
balancing act. and sometimes we look around and
think we’re all alone.

and we’re not.
not by a long shot.
we just don’t know how to talk about it.
how to step into the deep vulnerable space that
this precarious place makes.

it’s not easy.
the whole journey is not easy.
for any of us.

looking back at the last couple weeks,
i can see how a cold would knock me off my game
because i can see how fragile the balance is sometimes.

and i can see how incredibly easy it is to
slip back into self doubt – and worse.

that’s what we do.
we believe the voices in our head and we let them
pull us under and we shake with such fear.

i’m still shaking, guys.
i am.
but i’m also stepping into the vulnerable
and saying ‘here i am. by golly, i am so here.
and i’m gonna stay here and do what i gotta do.’

because that’s what else we do –
we do what we gotta do.

we just forget that part.

i’m here to remind me.
and to remind you.

shaking, we still do what we gotta do.

fighting the name calling, we turn back to
who we are and we stand up and own it.

until we fall again.

because that’s what it means to travel
this journey.

and we’re travelin’, baby.
we’re travelin’ – tears, fears, shaking and all.

vine_200x67

February 16, 2016

a little coldish…

someone around here has a cold.
no big deal.
just a cold.
and there’s been so many major medical
problems around me, that even mentioning
a cold seems outta line or something.

but here’s the thing.

last nite i had a wicked headache all nite.
and so at some point, i thought of the young
woman i know who has had daily migraines as
long as she can remember. she just keeps
going and doing the things she’s gotta do.

i thought of her a lot last nite.
because i figured maybe i’d have to multiply
my headache by 100 to get hers. i tried to
imagine living her days.

and to say i sat and ‘honored’ that is a little
strange….but somewhere in that phrasing is some
kinda truth. i just took time to really try
to understand her pain.

and she’s just one of the folks i thought of
so far thru the minor ailments i’ve had.

i keep thinking of my friends with the big stuff
goin’ on.

it’s kinda a double whammy.
their problems put a cold in the perspective
it should be, but the cold brings me down
low enough and quiet enough that some sorta
window gets opened for me and i can see a little
clearer, i can sit with what they’re going thru
and just be present in it a bit in a strange
sorta way.

obviously so far removed and pain free from
what they go thru…but still…..an awareness
more than a regular healthy day might hold.

and suddenly a cold seems like a most amazing
gift of awareness.

go figure.

vine_200x67

February 12, 2016

real

so there was a quote on my mind
that i wanted to read to myself today.
then when i walked in my back door,
before i could get to it,
my girlfriend showed up at my front door.

i stepped out on the porch to talk to her.
i’ve got a germy man inside and wanted
to spare her the germs.

so there we stood talking.
me in my socks in the cold,
but forgetting my feet as i listened
to her speak and saw the tears in her eyes.

we talked.
and hugged.
and i said ‘i have a quote on my mind today,
think it might be something you need as well.’

then posted it on faceback and got a strong
reaction from another woman who needed to read it.
so i’m thinking maybe there’s a few of us out here
today that need this quote.

so i’m posting it here as well.

“she had worked so hard
on seeing her heart –
now she realized she had
to do more than just see it.
she had to hold it when
no one else would,
she had to believe in it
when others doubted it,
she had to love it more
than anyone else could-
because only then would she
be able to open it and
offer it for Real.”

click here to view print

vine_200x67

February 11, 2016

the task…the job…the chore.

so i made some resolutions and told you
about this specific one –
the one where i write myself a love note,
poem or thought every day.

well…not every day…but most work days.
the days i’m alone in the house.

it was my task.
my job.
my chore.
my resolution.

and just because it helped me remember to do it,
i did it in the same spot at the same time of day.
if it’s routine, i’ll get in the swing of it better.
i knew that.

what i didn’t know was that i was setting up
something beautiful for myself.

i think it has something to do with my writing
these in the same spot. i think because of that,
i can easily recall the feeling of sitting down
and doing them.

and i think because the writing of these has been
such a powerful thing for me, i have come to feel
such good feelings when i sit down and start.

together, that seems to have opened a door to something.
one day, later in the evening, for no particular reason
that i know of, i just recalled that morning sitting
and writing myself a note –
and i could feel this really good feeling inside me.
it felt like a safe place opened right up inside of me.

sort of like in the movies when you see someone get
hypnotized and they say the magic hypnotic word and
they immediately do whatever it is they were hypnotized
to do! kinda like that – i thought of writing my notes,
and immediately felt good and felt safe.

holy cow! look at that! i thought.

holy cow!

this job i had given myself had become so much more
than some job. some thing i had to do –
it had started to become a joy.
and it has begun to open something very cool for me.

and i thought THAT was a really nifty thing to share
during love month!

here’s to journeying deeper and deeper into self love!

the job

vine_200x67

February 10, 2016

i can hear my heart calling

‘weary, weary one.
i will be your spot of joy.
take a break from those you love –
let them all take care of themselves.
and just rest in me.’
(from my collection of notes to my heart)

there are times our most beloved people
in the world are not able to nurture
whatever’s going on inside of us.
and we’re not able to nurture them as well.

there are times, tho we love them with
all our hearts, we need to just excuse
ourselves for a bit and turn inward.
and let them live their lives without us.

there are times that is necessary for everyone.

that feeling that has been brewing inside
of me for some time now, got topped off
this morning when my partner, just before
stepping out the door for the day, decided
he felt too sick to leave and went back to bed.

as he sleeps, i contemplate the days ahead.
fiercely independent, he won’t need much from me.

and there will be a quiet here that i need
to step into for myself.

perhaps the timing is perfect.
i can hear my heart calling.

‘we will rest in each other
and let the world take care of itself today.’

vine_200x67