journal

musings and ponderings…

December 11, 2015

choosing focus points

i got a call last nite from a woman who lives
in my town. she said she was confused as she
had what looked like a package that i was sending
out but it was torn open and in her trash can.

darn.

this happened a few years back.
someone stole something right out of my mailbox,
so i started running all my orders down to the post office
every day of the holiday season.

i did the same last year.
and this year i just thought ‘nahhhhh no one’s going to
do that. it’s perfectly fine to leave stuff out there.’

and then.
this call.

turns out it was a pretty big order and it really mattered
to me. none of it was damaged and i could resend it.

but as i drove across town to pick it up,
i was really really bummed.
i’ve been pretty darn emotional lately anyway,
and i really just felt like crying.
why do people do stuff like that?
the sheer not thinking and total lack of concern for
anything else….and knowing it wasn’t just me this
was happening to….and on and on….
i was just sad.
really really sad.

i pulled up to the woman’s house.
a beautiful beautiful home.
i got out of the car and just stood there and looked
at it and whispered out loud ‘wow!’
as i walked up her sidewalk that seemed so big,
i just kept whispering ‘wow.’

she let me in to get the package and i was still
in ‘wow’ mode. it was quite a home. i asked her
how long she’d lived there and if she just loved it.
if she had forgotten how lucky she was to be there,
i totally reminded her.

and i thanked her for going the extra mile and
bothering to call me.

this morning i ran a thank you goodie and card over
to leave on her porch.

and as i drove i thought of the whole story.
and where i needed to focus.
there’s a lotta good in this story.
there’s some stuff that makes me angry and sad,
but there’s a lotta good.

and THAT seems to be such a part of the season.
i guess it’s such a part of life.
maybe magnified during the season.

which parts of the story we choose to focus on
will change everything for us….

sometimes it’s hard to get the energy to move our
eyes in the right direction. sometimes it just feels
like the other washes over us and covers us.
but over and over if we keep moving our eyes
back to the good…..
well, that’s gotta make a difference.

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December 10, 2015

mystical magical

it’s a huge combination of things –
the season. hormones. a tendency towards the sappy,
the nearing anniversary of the death of my dad,
the fog that wrapped around the world this morning,
the christmas music i keep playing,
the offering of bone sighs for holiday gifts,
the beautiful feedback i’ve been getting,
the self reflection of what i’m doing –
just this whole amazing mix.

it feels like it’s a big ol’ ball that has rolled around inside me
and bumped into my heart and nudged it open.
more open.

and in that process, perhaps, it’s opened me more
to the mystical magical possibilities of life and living.

i keep thinking about that kinda thing.
or, rather,
that kinda thing keeps filling me up.
i’m not even looking for it.
it just keeps arriving.

and when i hear the line in the song about how we can change
the world if we want to, i really believe it.
i not only believe it,
i’m filled with it.
and i think about what in my world do i need to look at
and touch and change.
and i think about who i need to offer light to.

i am overwhelmed with this season in such a way this year.
overwhelmed with the depth of it.
the power of our connections and the meaning we can bring
to our lives just by recognizing that.

there is a whole lot to this season, isn’t there?
and i am really really treasuring that.

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December 9, 2015

gratitude yet again

i truly love this season.
i like the gift giving and the making things
and the shopping and the wrapping.
i like all that.

i know that makes a difference for things like christmas shopping.
i’m usually early with stuff, and i know that helps,
it just makes shopping fun.

i ran out this morning to grab a few small things
and couldn’t help but notice the mood in the shoppers around me.

is this the early crowd extra moody?
i have no idea but they certainly seemed to be taking their
shopping very seriously.

i did meet a really friendly lady who let me go
ahead of her in line. i thanked her for being so nice
and leaned in a little and said ‘have you noticed
people seem to be a little cranky?’

she laughed and totally agreed with ‘oh their baaaaaad!’

later i had a conversation with someone really really stressed.
i wanted to help him and take some of his stress away,
but that seemed to add to the stress, so i backed off.

and between these two things, i’ve been thinking about gratitude.

we’re forgetting the gratitude.
and i can say ‘we’ so easily,
because while i’m not today, i do all the time.

are we so spoiled that we forget how lucky we are to have
all these gifts right at our fingertips to purchase for those
we love?

just look at that question and see all the many things it holds
for us to be grateful for – friends and love and gifts and money
(even if it’s not a lot) and stores that are warm and safe and
filled…cars to get there, heat in the cars. feet to walk to the
cars, eyes to see….on and on it goes…..

and when we get so stressed about our daily lives are we forgetting
that we HAVE a daily life in the first place?

yes.
we forget.
over and over we forget.

and maybe one of the things we need to do for each other is
remind each other.

if you can’t find the gratitude, you’re not looking.
and if you’re not looking,
it feels bad.
really bad.
maybe it’s a good time for a peek.

and if you’re in a really bad spot with a whole lotta rough
things goin’ on……that’s okay. tuck the knowing in your pocket
and know when you’re strong enough, you’ll peek again.

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December 8, 2015

you can’t say it enough…

i’ve blogged about it before.
i’ve taught my family to ask it over and over.
and whenever one of us is struggling with something,
another one will come along and ask it to help the thinking process.

the simple clear question of –
‘what’s the goal?’

(thanking my dad for pounding this question into my brain!)

i went outside last nite in the dark to put out some recycling.
i was thinking about something i’ve been puzzling with lately.
and as i hopped onto the sidewalk leading back to the house,
i heard the question pop right into my head.

what’s the goal?

and i smiled.

because i had forgotten that question.
i had gotten lost and tangled in the craziness of it all.
and i had forgotten that if i keep a goal in mind,
i’ll know what i’ve got to do.

or at least a lot of it all will be easier to see.

and so i offer that question here today.
for anything you’re feelin’ a little lost on.
what’s your goal?
and then how the heck you gonna work towards that?

kinda nifty, huh?

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December 7, 2015

oh holy nite…

so okay,
yes, i have had birth on my mind.
yes, i have been reminiscing about the birth
of my first born.
yes, i was feeling the holy in it.

and then i heard the song ‘oh holy nite.’

and for the first time ever,
i put it onto all birth.
every birth of every child.

i don’t want to offend anyone as i know the song is important
to a lot of people.
i don’t mean any disrespect.
in fact, quite the opposite,
i mean such amazing respect and awe.
for life.

i thought of all the possibilities when a baby is born.
i thought of the holiness of those newborn eyes.
i thought of the amazing miracle the whole darn birth process is.

and i fell in love with the song in a whole new way.

kinda nice.
and a really nifty birthday present as i remember
the birth of my first born…

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December 6, 2015

30

blue.
so dark blue it freaked dad out.
how on earth did i not worry?
how on earth did i see only beauty?
but there you were.
pinking right up.
only beauty.
a miracle.
our miracle.
our blue squawking miracle.
the first and only time real euphoria hit.
every cell on fire with pure joy.
waving a red lollipop in every direction,
proclaiming your arrival.
now what?
what do we do with him?
he’s crying.
what do we do?
the newborn smell.
colic
no sleep.
colic.
no sleep.
solution to the colic.
relief.
little sleep.
little eyes.
secrets of the world deep inside.
talking.
long before you could say words.
we talked and talked.
shared our days.
oatmeal.
tuna sandwiches.
striped pants.
growing.
playing in the grass.
slides and sand.
picking the rose you knew you shouldn’t.
wandering the woods.
running away from home to the woods.
learning the trees.
bird calls.
playgrounds.
chrissy.
becky.
sterling and betsy.
baby buggies.
little brother.
moving.
growing.
running trucks thru the house.
we could be loud again.
another little brother.
the tree house.
the gardens.
water towers.
swings.
tom barb.
tai chi.
excavating.
growing.
our pool.
horseflies.
sawing.
building.
fixing.
growing.
the flu.
and the flu a thousand times over.
colds.
books.
libraries.
the phantom tollbooth.
bingo brown.
books and books and books and books.
so shy.
hide behind my legs.
train club.
good men taking your shyness away.
the extrovert comes out.
as does the nerd.
bird watching.
fossils.
astronomy.
math frustrations.
kitchen doors.
camping vacations.
growing.
girls.
church and girls.
dances and girls.
sierra club and girls.
tie dye sneakers.
cannibal kings.
duct tape.
IMing all nite.
barber of seville.
the play.
driving.
mary b. legs.
the beltway.
hotlicks.
paul, mary, garret, mike, joe, gene.
guitars.
ozzy.
sadness, fear, heartbreak.
tears, anger, confusion.
team building.
talking.
talking.
hurting.
talking.
hurting.
talking.
more ozzy.
engines in the kitchen.
ernie on the phone.
car parts everywhere.
growing.
more team building.
air compressors.
making things happen.
barbara’s passing.
depths of sadness.
stars of light.
goodness.
pain.
love.
sorrow.
guitars.
bands.
music.
growing.
teaching.
bars.
leather pants.
those darn women whose names i can’t remember.
i blocked them.
guitar students in the house.
robby everywhere.
guitars.
more bands.
more bars.
teaching.
students.
teaching.
growing.
guitars.
gigs.
bob walks in.
schematics and bob.
chaos and bob.
dogs and bob.
peeing and bo.
dean and the hamham.
robin shaking.
talking.
talking.
talking.
crinkly loud late nite steps past noah.
gigs.
growing.
your own home.
down a long hallway.
by the river.
that you once fought for.
grampa.
hospitals.
who dies?
life lessons.
growing.
a note scribbled with such pain,
bearing horrible news.
sadness.
growing.
growing.
growing.
teaching.
little josh.
walks.
runs.
riverside.
‘two weeks.’
‘joshua.’
street music.
homeless people.
kindness.
kindness exchanges.
train trips.
city trips.
new york.
philly
richmond.
radio shows.
connections.
train conductors.
connections.
subway people.
connections.
corey.
tara.
mike the spike.
lunches at menk.
growing.
touching people here and there.
deeply.
forgetting the importance of that.
then remembering.
conversations with students.
students returning.
letting you know the impact.
old people letting you know the impact.
kids.
teens.
elderly.
homeless.
vets.
lost.
found.
lonely.
touching.
touching.
touching.
chopping wood.
chopping.
chopping.
chopping.
shooting.
bang.
phoosh!
coconuts.
warmth.
laughter.
thoughtfulness.
sadness.
sorrow.
friendship.
growing.
life.
a blink.
so loved.
abundant.
not.
short.
long.
30.
josh.

December 4, 2015

so we had a little talk…

i sat with myself this morning
and had a little talk.
‘what are you feeling?
‘what’s goin’ on?
‘how do you really feel about things?’
‘where are you with life?

is there a reason i don’t do this more often?
it certainly seems like a good thing to do.

it was nice.
i was knitting.
so i could kinda ‘do’ something at the same time
and just let my thoughts wander.

and at this point,
i gotta say,
i’m pretty well convinced that i’m entering
the stages of something new.

i don’t want to say ‘being a crone’ –
because,
well,
that’s OLD.
and that implies wisdom.

and if i say ‘the winter years’
that also implies old age.
and i’m not quite there yet.

so whatever stage it is before you’re
too old, before any wisdom really sets in,
and before winter hits –

whatever transition stage that is,
i think i’m entering.

and i feel like what i’m here to learn
is the watching the all.

not holding it,
but watching it.
to learn how to feel sorrow at the same
time i feel joy. to learn how to let sadness
be present as i laugh from my gut.

to really get good at that.

i feel like i’ve just entered the classroom.
and haven’t even sat down yet.
but i’m in the room.
wondering if i can step out to the hall,
go to the water fountain and hide a bit…..
but really truly wanting to just sit down and learn.

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December 3, 2015

an angel came thru…

you know how sometimes you land in a place
of ohhhhh…..i don’t know…..
a mixture of sadness with maybe a tiny bit
of loneliness and maybe mix in self doubt
or just plain confusion? all the while moving
in places of joy that you can wrap yourself
in as well?

does that describe it?
it’s not all bleak.
it’s just way heavy along with the good.
way shaky mixed in between the safe moments.
and well….it’s a lot to balance.

and it gets me confused sometimes.

and sometimes when hit with too much sorrow,
i can feel myself topple.
like as i drove the short distance to the
post office this morning.
i popped on the radio only to land into the news.
story after story that kept tearing at my heart.

i wanted to pull over and just sob.
but instead, went in with a smile on my face
and said hello to everyone.

hit the next stop, the grocery store,
equally as friendly and cheery.

but all the time feelin’ this heaviness
that i didn’t know what to do with.

and then a customer’s call turned things around.
he had a question about an order,
but there was something about his voice that
just felt good.

not only that,
he was ordering one of my favorite quotes.
one of the quotes i need to read over and over
today. the quote called knowing.

and as we chatted,
he reminded me of the light, the dark,
and the knowing.
he reminded me exactly of what the quote
was talking about.

honest to pete,
it was like he was an angel that just popped
in to remind me to keep the knowing.
to remind me that i am indeed going in the
direction i want to go. and that it did matter.

he was my living quote.

and that too, reminded me of the magic all
around. if i only open to it.

it’s there.
we just need to know it.

thanking my angel today.
and chanting ‘knowing’ to myself over and over!

maybe it’s not about the darkness.and maybe it’s not about the light.maybe it’s about the knowing.the knowing there is sacred always.even when you can’t see it.maybe it’s the knowing that’s the holy part.”

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December 2, 2015

that time of year

well it seems it hit ‘that time of year’
with a total bang over here.

there is so much going on that my head
is spinning in circles.

good and happy things, celebration after
celebration, and sad and hard things.

in sitting down after hours of running around,
i looked out the window.

a rainy gray day.

‘don’t miss it, terri.’ the whole outside
said to me at once.

‘don’t miss it.’

i haven’t been able to take a walk this week.
been having back issues. i did try one morning,
but it didn’t feel so good, so i’ve been waiting.
i’m sure i’ll be back to it next week.

but in the meantime, there’s very little outdoors
time around here. going outside consists of going
to the car, or getting the mail.

and when that happens i miss things.
i miss the things that matter.

i miss the perspective of the sky
and the wisdom of the trees.

don’t want to miss that.

so for now, i’m thinking a tea break
by the window with the trees is a good idea.

don’t want the rush of a beautiful season
make me lose the whole point of the season
in the first place…

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December 1, 2015

too easy? look again…

i was having one of those imaginary conversations
in my head, and for me, those really usually just
happen when i think someone’s being a total twit.
and i just think of all the things i’d like to tell them.

and yeah, this was one of those times.

and after many attempts at trying to say to him what
i really wanted him to hear, i got all the way down to this –

“if that’s the answer you’re believing, then you really need
to think again. it’s just all so nice and tidy and leaves you
off the hook. seriously? give it another try.”

and i got to thinking about that.

and how that really goes for me too for my own answers.

if i’ve come up with something all neat and tidy that leaves
me off the hook, well then, seriously, i need to try again.

tidy doesn’t happen very often.
when it does, i think i should do a check in with myself.

thing is, this guy’s being a total twit. he won’t hear it,
even if i ever get the opportunity to say it.

but will i hear it when i need to?
that’s something that should be on mind even more, i believe.

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