journal

musings and ponderings…

January 19, 2017

and the fear melts into gratitude

i hurt my darn back the other day.
it’s no need for alarm.
just a good reminder to pay attention.

this morning i was reminded that there’s
so many many ways in which i can pay attention.

i was hobbling around like i was 200 years old.
every moment was painful and had to be thought out.
socks were such a challenge.

as i was trying to navigate thru some of this stuff,
i saw my fear.
i hurt.
and the pain sparked the fear.
and the fear added to the pain.

it was clear and obvious.
so i had a talk with myself.

‘okay terri. it’s not that bad.
your tension is making it worse.
relax and breathe.
this is temporary and something you can work with.
with any luck, you’re gonna get old.
and pain comes with that.
learn how to work with it.
use this.
and as you go along, think of every single
person you know who is in chronic pain.
use this to understand their lives more.’

so i started watching, breathing, and accepting.

i always seem to forget how much energy i use
during the day. i’m typically very energetic and
whiz around the place at high speeds doin’ many
things in many directions.

i forget i do that.
and i felt such gratitude for that being normal for me.

knowing tho that it wasn’t gonna be that way today,
i realized how lucky i am that writing is what i love to do.
i can go slow and write from the couch. and since i know
this is temporary, i can easily embrace it.

my friends who have had strokes have been SO on
my mind. every movement i make today is thought out
and done with effort. how on earth do they handle this
times 1,000 every single day? their attitudes that they’ve
shown thru their challenges humble me.

i look out my living room window as i type this.
how lucky i am for windows.
how lucky i am for health.
how lucky i am.

go figure.
sometimes it takes a hurt back
to remind me of all i have.
and all i want to be.

looks like i’ll have some quiet time to hold this.
and i’m feelin’ like that’s okay.

and the fear melts into gratitude.
and it all just is….

 

 

fear melts

January 18, 2017

giving yourself away…

i was doin’ some reading last nite
and as i read, i felt the people i was reading
about had given themselves away.

well, to be honest,
my first thought was they sold their souls.
thing is –
nothing’s simple, is it?
i felt like at least one of the people i was reading
about had good parts to them. they weren’t without
soul. there was good there. they hadn’t sold their soul,
but definitely had given part of themselves away.

i was trying to figure out why.
what was the motivation to do so?

when i was done reading, i was leaning towards pride
as the reason they did what they did. but still wasn’t
sure and wasn’t really trying to make a judgement.
i was just trying to see what was going on.

i walked into the kitchen,
knowing we’re all basically the same.
what you see in another you can find in you.
so i  grabbed a drink, leaned against my counter,
crossed my feet, and asked myself ‘okay, terri,
what would you give yourself away for?’

now wouldn’t you hope your first answer would
be ‘i wouldn’t!’ or your first thought would be ‘oh gosh,
that’s a hard question.’???

that’s what i would hope my response would be.
but noooo
right away, without hesitation, i pop up with –
‘love. i’ve done it for love and could do it again.’

well, if nothing else, i was at least honest.

i not only gave myself up for love,
i was trained in it. i was a pro at it.
somewhere along the line, i woke up to what i was
doing and claimed myself back.
whew.
that was no easy task.

and the thing is,
that stuff is still inside me.
that fear that was behind the willingness to
give myself up – that feeling that if i really was who
i am, then i wouldn’t be loved – that stuff doesn’t
just go away.

i have wrestled with it ever since my big claiming
of my life back. it wasn’t one moment i claimed me
and then everything changed.

it was one moment i claimed me,
the next i considered giving me up again so i wouldn’t
shake my world so much.
to deciding to hold on to me and not give me up,
to giving me up without even realizing i was doing it.
to claiming me back.
to doin’ this over and over again.

and this is just in my quiet little life with no big
outside pressures from anyone but my small circle.
i can’t even imagine what it’s like to have global pressures
like the people i was reading about.

i like this watching and paying attention that i’m trying to do,
because any watching on the outside can so easily get turned
to inner watching.  and i really really don’t want to give
myself away anymore. that answer came so quickly for me.
which, i believe, means i need to keep a good eye on myself.
and breathe in belief in me every chance i get.

how about you?
what would you answer?

every chance

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January 17, 2017

passing silhouettes…

it was dark when i walked this morning.
i decided to turn onto the street that had sidewalks,
and as i did so, i saw two silhouettes
standing there just a little way down the sidewalk.

passing and saying hello
and mentioning that it was freaky to see them standing there,
the dad told me they were waiting for the bus.

it was a father and daughter.
a quick passing of hellos and that was it.
it was enough tho.

i liked the sound of the dad’s voice.
gentle and refined and really caring about
his daughter.

as i turned up another street,
i heard the bus come and pick her up.
walking back by where they had been standing,
i looked at the empty sidewalk.

they’re gone.
just like that.
poof.

where would they go today?
she school, him work.
who would they touch?
in my head i said he was a doctor.
but now that i think of that, i doubt it.
don’t think he’d live in my neighborhood!

i thought of all the people they’d speak with,
all the people they’d interact with.
and wouldn’t think again about our passing in the dark.
how i’d go on with my own stuff and just keep going.

all this led me to thinking about everyone in our lives.
the ones who hang around longer and you get to know,
the ones you get to love,
the ones you don’t think you’ll ever be able to live without.
how all of them pass you on the sidewalk –
or you pass them.
how maybe we linger longer.
or walk together for a bit.
but how sooner or later we all just keep going and moving on with our stuff.

i thought of my partner inside just gettin’ started with work.
how glad i was that he was here with me now.

coming in, kicking off my shoes and coat,
i grabbed some water and went and sat down next to his desk.
we chatted.
i stayed a bit longer than  usual –
appreciating the little piece of sidewalk we were sharing.

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January 13, 2017

conversations with the moon

i got ready for my walk this morning,
thinking FINALLY i’ll get some good time
in with the moon.
but as i looked out my window to check on her –
i couldn’t believe it.
it was cloudy out.
no sign of her.

are you kidding me?!
sighing, i headed out anyway.
two steps out my back door,
i looked up –
and there she was!

she had come out from behind the clouds.

i said ‘ha!’ right out loud and was just delighted.

but by the time i got from my back yard
to the end of my driveway,
she was gone again.

seriously?!

she did this the whole walk.
in and out. in and out.

so i watched.

i stopped a few times to just watch the clouds
drifting all over her.
i walked backwards once, looking up so
as i could see her until she got covered again.

one time she looked like she was in a tunnel
of clouds. way back behind them, but shining
so brightly she lit everything up all the same.

i got to thinking about our own light inside of us.
if our own light is like the moon,
then the clouds would be like our heavy thoughts
or the things we fret over, or our heavier emotions.
and how they come on in and cover up our light.
but how the moon was showing me that it was okay
that clouds came.
because they didn’t stay.
they kept moving.
blowin’ across the light.
and the light just never dimmed.
it didn’t matter how many clouds covered it.
it was still there.
and then they’d clear.

yeah.
that’s us.
it really is.
only we forget.
and we think the clouds will stay forever.
like they’re made from some sticky cementy stuff
that won’t ever go away and will just get stuck and
weigh us down.

no.
no.

no.

they’re clouds. that’s all.
and we’re light.

and if we can remember that…
i think the weather gets a whole lot easier.

that’s what the moon was telling me this morning on my walk with her.
and that’s what i’m tuckin’ in my pocket for my cloudy moments.

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January 12, 2017

growing that darn mindfulnesss

little by little i am getting better at watching
how i work and seeing what’s goin’ on with
me in the moment.

not always, mind you.
not by a long shot.
but sometimes.

thought i’d share two things i learned recently
that i really like and have already applied.

one’s a tool –
to name the emotion you’re feeling.
according to this one author, it helps your brain
get more in a state where it can work with it.

i just find that helpful.
i like tuning in and trying to name it.
i’ve always found naming things helps me deal
with them, so this makes sense to me.
and i like the stopping and acknowledging
something’s goin’ on. it not only helps me
get clearer,  it kinda feels like it’s honoring
my process. which feels important to me.

the second thing i learned is the great phrase
“amygdala hijack” – which i think basically means
that when you’re jolted big time emotionally,
your common sense brain gets hijacked by your
more basic animal part of your brain and you
can’t think clearly or rationally. (this would be
when you need to name what you’re feeling.)

recently i felt a hijack occur.
and within seconds i told myself ‘you’ve been hijacked.’

it was great because i knew i wasn’t going to be
thinking clearly and i knew for awhile i just needed
to go do something that centered me.

for me, this makes a big impact.

i can feel this stuff growing in me.
and i keep wondering if i could possibly grow
it enough to really put it to use in the highest
stressful times.

don’t know.
but that’s a goal anyway.

wanted to share.

January 11, 2017

putting the shifts to work

a phrase i like to say with delight to my sons is –
‘you got the MO baby!’ or
‘use the MO, man, use the mo!’

the mo is momentum
and i think there’s a lot to the idea of
stepping into that energy of things starting
to roll….to hop on in and roll even more.

i love that idea.
i love the actual doing of it.

it occurred to me this morning that i wanted to use the mo.

that i’ve had some really big shifts goin’ on inside of me.
that i can feel some healing and just strengthening in
who i want to be –
in who i am.
and i’m thinking i got a little mo moving around inside of me.

and i wanna keep it rollin’!
i got the mo, baby!

so what the heck am i gonna do with it???
not quite sure yet……but got a few ideas.
the important thing is – i know it’s there and i know it’s
open to growing inside of me.

maybe i’ll just ask my heart to hook into the mo.
maybe that’s all i gotta do!

ha!
this could be great fun!

anyone else feelin’ the mo??
let’s use it, baby! let’s use it!

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January 10, 2017

movie inspiration

walking this morning and thinking about a movie
i saw over the weekend – ‘collateral beauty.’
i really loved it.
and totally wanna watch it all over again.

when i finished with the movie,
i thought what they meant by ‘collateral beauty’
was the beauty all around. but that just felt off to me.
i felt like i was missing something.
and i think i was.

this morning what i think they mean is the beauty
that comes forth from devastation.

maybe it’s birthed in the chaos, grief and darkness,
or maybe it’s just uncovered.
i don’t know.
is it in all devastation?
i don’t know.

as i wondered about all of this,
i went to some of the most devastating moments of my life….
and sure enough –
beauty came out of each moment i thought of.

and when i looked at some of my devastation
and my partner’s devastation,
i realized they collided and brought us each other.
we got like a double whammy of collateral beauty!

i have said many times over that there’s gold in the darkness,
and i think this is along those lines only MORE –
i think it might be saying there’s not only gold in the darkness,
but that it came from that very darkness. 

woe.
i absolutely love this thought.

would it be possible to believe this so deeply that when
darkness came upon our lives, we could somewhere in the
middle of it all wonder what beauty would be born?

wow.
i have no idea.
all brand new thoughts for me.
am so excited with them tho,
i had to share……..

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January 9, 2017

a wonderful laugh and view on living life…

i talked to my son this morning and
he mentioned this video to me.
when i hung up, i went to go check it out.
and i laughed and i laughed and i laughed.

and! i was reminded to play with life.

i’m thinking on a monday morning,
that’s a really good thing to be reminded of.

thanking my son for pointing it out to me,
and sharing this with you in great delight!

click here for some laughter!

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