journal

musings and ponderings…

May 25, 2016

hard stuff…

last week, a friend of mine
gave me the most amazing nudge.
it took my breath away
and brought tears to my eyes.
and well,
caused a  lotta tears to run down my cheeks too.

she suggested that i work with some
of the hardest stuff for me, and see it as a gift.

a gift?

see, i knew i had to work with my hardest stuff.
i knew that part.
and i had been.

but i thought it was more to ‘be at peace’ with it.
you know – make peace and move on.

and i woulda said i had done a lotta that,
and i wanted to move on.

she suggested there was more.
that it was more than that.
that i needed to see it as the GIFT that it was/is.

seriously?
a GIFT??
seriously?

well, okay, you know what?
i had already said it was a gift.
i had already in my head thought that.

but um….obviously it was only a little bit in my head.
cause – seriously?! a GIFT?!
apparently it fell outta my head cause i wasn’t so sure anymore.

so i started.
i tried.
and wow oh wow oh wow oh wow did i meet with
resistance on the inside of me.

strong immediate resistance.

and so i went inside and checked that out.
and wow.
there’s quite a lotta work to do here.

there’s something about bone sighs.
always has been –
that i can write about stuff even if i haven’t gotten there yet.
like they kinda lead me in the right direction.
like they’re little guide posts and encouragers saying ‘you can get here,
you can do this.’

this one came out this morning and made me smile.
and so……i’ll keep looking for the little place to slip my finger and begin.

i’m thinking this is gold.

(p.s. to my friend who started this – from the bottom of my heart –
thank you..for the gold of this. for the gold of you.)

 

under the hurt

May 24, 2016

reflections

i sat in the sun
at the back of my yard
looking towards my house.

the porch.
the kitchen window.
the coziness.

i love this place.

so many years here.
so many memories.

i can still picture so many of them.
can see the ball throwing,
and the feet running.
the swings goin’ up and down,
and the go-carts roarin’ away.

hear the squeals and the shouts.

all quiet so many years later.
just the breeze talkin’ to me.

whispering…

while the trees keep growing.
and the shadows keep playing in the light.
time keeps passing.
and the ghosts keep dancing in the yard.
and in my head.

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May 23, 2016

kinda like leaky coffee cups…

i had this weird thought this weekend.
but i liked it and i keep thinking about it,
so i wanted to share.

ready?

what if we’re kinda like leaky coffee cups?

like who we are is the coffee.
or tea.
or whatever warm beverage you like.

and you know how those little wisps of smoke
come up when it’s nice and hot? and how the
steam just goes on out to the world?

what if that’s what we’re like?
only leakier.

so if we’re the coffee,
our energy/mood/stuff is the steam.
and we shoot that out all around us without even knowing it.
even more than just the steam at the top of the cup.
picture the steam coming out all over the cup.

i think that might be kinda like what we do.

and so our moods and our outlooks and our big stuff
that’s inside us just keeps steaming out.

and when someone gets near, they touch the steam.
they’re right there picking up on all that.

right?
not really a new concept, no.
but certainly a new visual for me.
and one i keep picturing now.
everyone i look at (including me) has turned into
mugs of warm beverages!

definitely something that has me thinking.

i’m thinking there’s some mugs i just wanna stay away from.
and some i’d like to be with more.

grinnin’ and enjoyin’ this visual……

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May 20, 2016

oh ho ho ho ho!

i was sitting in a waiting room.
waiting.
quietly.

i had been writing a bit.
but it wasn’t workin’ real good.
think the blare of the tv kinda gets in the way.

so i finally pulled out one of the books i brought.

i’m re-lookin’ at ‘conversations with god’
by neale donald walsh.

read it a million years ago.
liked it.
just gave it to a young woman to read.
thought maybe i should re-look at it.

skimming thru,
nodding,
remembering.
flippin’ the pages along.

until.

until.

UNTIL.

i hit this –

“What Enlightenment asks you to do is to know something
you have not experienced and thus experience it. Knowing
opens the door to experience – and you imagine it is the other
way around. ”

KNOWING OPENS THE DOOR TO EXPERIENCE.

woe.
did i say i was sitting there quietly?

i heard myself say out loud ‘oh wow!’

and then i put my hand over my mouth.
and smiled underneath.
and then leaned way back in my chair
and read it again.

i have been thinking about ‘knowing’ all week.
i was just watching myself step into knowing without understanding how it all worked.

knowing has been on my mind.

and now this?

every feel like the universe was eggin’ you on???

had to share!

the knowing

 

 

May 19, 2016

the sweet spot of vastness…

i got to thinking about the answer to whatever
it is i’m looking for. the one i can’t put into words,
but have lots of feeling about.

all i know for sure is that what i’m looking for
is not outside of me.
whatever it is – is within.

somehow i know that.
but i don’t know anything else about it.

i’m not sure i can know more yet.
even tho i’m getting some great insights from all
around me – there’s still something i’m looking for.
and i’m thinking i might have to travel further.
deeper.

which actually has me rarin’ to go to explore even more.

i think that maybe it’s something that just takes time to find.
but not like finding a gold nugget in a stream.
not that kinda finding.

maybe it’s like being in the ocean –
when you swim into a warm current and it covers you.
that feeling you get of landing into a sweet spot.
a sweet spot of vastness.

maybe that’s what understanding life is like.
and just like that swim, before long, you propel yourself
right back into the cold waters again,
and you know you touched something great,
yet it’s elusive –
you can’t see it.
but you know it’s right there next to you somewhere –
in all the vastness…

i wonder if that might be how finding answers works…

 

vastness‘bowing down,
she acknowledged the vastness,
looking up,
she stepped inside it.’

May 18, 2016

and the answers just keep coming…

i don’t remember this ever happening before.
and it’s so darn cool.
i feel like i’m getting a gazillion different answers
to my ponderings.
like i put it out there and it’s just raining answers
on me now!

and the funny part is that there isn’t a specific question.
i want to say that it’s ‘what’s it all about?’
but that’s not quite right.
so then i say ‘what are we here for?’
and that’s not quite right.
so then i stumble and try ‘what are we doin’ with our lives?’

and then i don’t feel anything is right and i give up.

but somewhere inside me, i FEEL whatever the question is.
i can feel it.
i just can’t ask it.

and maybe in my not asking it, but sorta asking it –
in my trying, but stumbling –
maybe somewhere in there,
i opened a space up where all kindsa answers could tumble into.

cause i certainly feel like it’s raining answers.

yesterday, my girlfriend gave me a long, gorgeous
mark nepo quote in my birthday card.

i’ve been sitting here reading this,
trying to decide if i should type it all out,
or just a part. and if a part –
which darn part?!
when it occurred to me……
i bet i can just find it on the net and link it!

ha!
sometimes the ol’ brain actually works.
so yes, here it is….
check this out for yet another beautiful answer
falling around me.

mark nepo’s ‘a dream we’re close to living.’

loving all these beautiful thoughts comin’ my way.

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May 17, 2016

even the woods were mine…

in honor of my birthday,
i got to go visit one of my favorite places.
i described it recently as the place fairies
must go for their conventions.

it’s a green, mystical magical woodland
filled with flowing water and waterfalls.
if i was a fairy, i’d never leave there.

i have loved that place from the moment i saw it.
but this time, i think i was just overwhelmed
with the idea that you can walk for hours in this beauty,
and it just never stops being gorgeous.

i just couldn’t get over that.
how often do you come across that?
maybe you can – but you’d have to make your own path.
this one delightfully had a path waiting for us.

it really struck me what a gift that really is.

at one point, i heard a sound.
i’m sure it was something like the wind blowing thru
a hollow tree just right or something like that –
i have no idea what the scientific reason for it was.
all i know is i heard what sounded to me like the
voice of this magical place.

i heard it.
i stopped.
listened.
and was filled with it.

no one else heard it.
when i asked if anyone did,
all the joking started, of course.
i laughed and joked along with them.

but in my heart – i felt like i got such a gift.
like even the woods were mine that day.
even the woods were wishing me a happy birthday.
like the entire day, the entire planet were mine.

the feeling flowed into the next day for me.
my actual birthday.
the sun, the breeze, the coolness –
they were all there for me.
celebrating with me.

and that if i stop and listen –
i can hear the earth singing.

THAT turned out to be quite the gift.
and i realize – it’s here for me every single day.

seems the more i think about the question of what
it’s all about – what we’re doin here – what’s life for –
all that stuff –
the more i think about that,
the more answers i get.
one of them being – to see the gift that’s wrapped around us every day.

to see the gift.
to honor the gift.

water

May 16, 2016

honoring my birthday…

it was
a
long
and
staggering
road.
past the
judging
and the
preaching.
beyond the
shouting
and the
insisting.
to where
she could hear
the rhythm –
that beat
that belonged
to her alone.
deeper
and
deeper
to the music
of her heart,
the singing
of her soul.
the sound
of
her.

 

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May 13, 2016

celebrating, honoring and grinning…

recently i wrote about mother’s day
and how i think we gotta kinda change
the way we think of that day –
maybe more of an ‘honoring’ than a ‘celebrating.’

well, i just kicked off the start of my birthday weekend.
my birthday is on monday, but i’m a big believer
in keeping the celebrating ball in the air.

thing is….with all that talk about honoring,
i’m kinda thinking about mixing that up with my birthday.

which feels really perfect this year.

‘celebrating’ has worked some years,
other years not exactly.
which makes sense, ya know?
life doesn’t always cooperate with celebratory moods.
but HONORING – well that seems like that can happen always.

and what perfect timing!
i’ll be 55 this time around.
fifty five.
wow.
just being here is one heck of a thing to feel grateful for.

mix in all the stuff that’s been whirlin’ thru me,
and all the life around me –
well, yeah, i wanna get some kinda celebrating in.
i love to celebrate.
so that’s definitely a part of my weekend.
but i think what i really want to concentrate on now is
honoring the whole big ball of stuff that got me here,
that’s inside of me, and that’s goin’ on around me.

cause THAT’S life…..
and i’m really wanting to live it fully right now.

so here’s the birthday plan –
start out with gratitude, move to celebrating,
and then hold honoring thru each part.

shoot…..that sounds pretty good, doesn’t it?
here’s to the start of birthday weekend!

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May 12, 2016

backlash

want to know what one of my big issues is?
‘being in the way.’
yeah. i struggle with feeling in the way a lot.

so when i accidentally made it so that people who asked
for a once a week email
got my daily blog posts emailed to them – every darn day –
it hit that issue for me.
big time.

my son, zakk, had to talk me into offering the daily quote
of the day that we send out.
he finally won me over by saying ‘MOM they SIGN UP for them,
they’re ASKING for them.’
that makes me laugh and shake my head all at once.

so while i’m truly sorry to have been an extra email in
people’s boxes for awhile,
i’m even sorrier that the ‘being in the way’ issue inside me
hasn’t left me yet and can bring up such rough feelings.

i certainly realized yesterday that i had work to do in that area for sure!
and it occurs to me this morning, that maybe that’s something i should share.

i have a lotta issues, ya know?
everyone does.
and i work on a lotta stuff.
but that one?
i think i’ve kinda ignored.

so this morning i gotta wonder why?
that’s one of the issues that probably affects me the most.
i feel in the way, and then i want to just go hide,
be quiet so you won’t see me, and just disappear.
or at the very least, just quick get the heck outta your way.

i even used to talk fast so i’d be done faster with whatever
i was saying.

jeesh.

that can’t have much of a high level of self belief mixed in, can it?

maybe that’s one of the reasons the idea that came to me this week
about self belief struck so deeply.
the same day i heard those treadmill voices,
i made a new bone sigh.
it says ‘it was when she believed in herself, her life changed.’

i made it that day to make some sort of offering to help us all
believe in ourselves. and i made it so that it’d be something
i wanted to hang where i’d see it all the time and remember.

my plan was to do some sort of promotion with it –
to really try to get it out there the best i could.
i felt it was something a lot of us needed.

this morning, i know it’s something i REALLY need.
and something i want to actively work on.
and the fire to promote it has just been fueled.
i guess it’s time, isn’t it?

i’ve been thinking a lot about midlife lately.
maybe midlife is time to finally finally just be me.
yesterday reminded me –
if i want that, then i got some work to do first.

so here i am.
i really want to do this.
i’m ready.

belief1