journal

musings and ponderings…

March 10, 2016

a visual with wings

i think maybe i’ll start with the point first –
the point of this post is to remind myself
(and you if you need it)
that the work that we do and the trying that we do
and the attempts that we make, aren’t all isolated.
they don’t just stand alone as an effort here and there.
they so often come together and bring us to important places.

and yet i forget that.
and i try something and figure i didn’t get anywhere with it.
and i’ll try something different and think okay, i’m not
getting this down good at all. and i’ll get discouraged.

and then one day, bam, it all comes together
and makes my mouth drop open.

this happened for me in such a good way on my dad’s birthday.
it just happened.
i didn’t try to make it happen.
it just did.

but i did a lotta work before that.
a lotta work i thought was getting me nowhere.

my dad passed away ten years ago.
he and i had a really sad ending.
and there’s been some hard stuff for me to resolve with all that.

a few months back, i was working steadily on it.
i walked and went back to a moment that ranks right up there
as one of the worst moments in my life. and it involved my
dad and i. i was working on a visual.

i brought this visual to mind over and over as i walked.
it was hard, uncomfortable and stirred a lot up
that i didn’t like stirred up.

i’d keep trying tho.
but never felt like i got anywhere.

but the visual was on my mind.
a lot.

and i could feel parts of it sometimes no matter
what i was doing.

i could see some progress with it as i went along.
but it felt so tiny.
nothing to be excited about.
gradual tiny progress.
but big deal…..i wanted gigantic progress, thank you.

after awhile, i kinda put it all down for a bit.
figured i needed a rest.

and then, outta the blue, on my dad’s birthday,
a visual just popped right into my head while i sat
at my desk working.

bam.
right there.

i grabbed a pen and wrote some of it.
and created the ‘shareable’ that i will put at the end here.

there were some tears thru all this.
really powerful tears of release.
and i could feel something good happening inside me.

on my dad’s birthday!
without even trying – it just came.
but it didn’t JUST come…it came from a ton of trying
before this. i could feel that, see that.

and i was reminded that this work that we do,
it’s never wasted.
we may not understand what good it’s doing us.
but if we can trust the ol’ process,
i think we can travel far.

over and over and over i need to whisper to myself –
‘trust the process, girl, just let go and trust the process.’

for dad

vine_200x67

March 9, 2016

mama earth

did spring sneak up on you this year?
i still keep waiting for an artic blast…
but i think spring really has sprung!

yesterday evening i got out in the garden.
started cleaning it out a bit.
ended up sitting down right there
with my hands in the earth, my face leaning close in.

i had been raking
and picking up sticks,
but it wasn’t until right then –
with my hands in the dirt,
that i could feel something wake up inside me.

gosh.

how many things are asleep inside me
that i don’t even know about??

it felt so good.

i took a deep breath in and remembered.

here is where i need to go now.
as often as i can.
because here is where i feel at home.

i don’t feel all rarin’ to go this year on spring.
i feel like we haven’t finished with winter.
but now that i got a taste of remembering…
i’m ready!

if it hasn’t hit where you are yet,
and you’re feelin’ a little down,
hang in there.
mama earth is wakin’ up and gettin’
ready for you to hang out with her!

vine_200x67

March 8, 2016

some good stuff…

one of my sons is rereading ‘the road less traveled’
by m. scott peck. i loved that book so much that each
son has a copy.

i had read it a zillion years ago and thought it was okay.
i don’t remember being particularly impressed.
it was okay.
and then years later, casually picking it up at a bookstore,
i opened to his first page. his first sentence –

‘Life is difficult.’

since life was feeling pretty difficult that nite,
i grabbed the book, sat down with it, and then decided
to buy it. and eventually bought it for each son.
this time i was ready for him.

it’s full of great stuff.

my son was talking about it the other day.
the part that talks about life being full of problems.
and that this is where we grow. “Yet it is in this whole
process of meeting and solving problems that life has its
meaning.”

“Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom; indeed
they create our courage and our wisdom.”

i believe that.
and i forget that.

the other nite, my partner asked me a question that I have
probably answered many times in my life. but this time,
my answer was just a little bit different. a little bit
deeper. showing a little bit more of an understanding.

and i know darn well that came from some of the struggles
i’ve had this past year.

i forget this stuff.
we really do grow and become who we are thru so much of this.
and the reminder feels welcome.

so i thought i’d share with you too.
in case you forget too…..

vine_200x67

March 7, 2016

mister gardner

he was exactly who every teenager would want
to have live up the street.
he was fun
enthusiastic.
mischievous.
and an adult who actually enjoyed teenagers.

he had a couple younger sons i babysat.
and his wife was like a surrogate mom to me.

next door to them,
was another family that wasn’t afraid of
a little fun.

they had some teens my age and kids younger
and the dad would join in with mister gardner
and create havoc with all of us.

birthdays were something i will forever remember.
it was spanking time.
i recall a chase that ended up with the two
GROWN UPS on the roof waiting for the birthday
boy to sneak out the window where he thought
he would be safe.

i laughed out loud typing this and remembering.

they weren’t afraid to let you get rowdy.
heck, THEY got rowdy.
and i think every teen needs a place like that.

last nite, i heard mister gardner passed away.
part of me is relieved for him as he missed his
wife terribly and i really want to believe they
found each other again.

but part of me is so sad that it all goes so fast.
those teen years feel like another lifetime ago,
and yet… they also feel like just a blink away.

and the people – no matter how long we get to be here –
and he got a pretty good ride – it’s still too darn short.
we never have our people long enough.

i can hear our shouting from when i was young –
i’d holler on over to him as he worked in his
garage, and i walked up the street ‘hey, mister gardner!
how you doin’??’
always the same enthusiasm as if i hadn’t seen him in years.
even tho i saw him multiple times most days.
and he’d always just as enthusiastically shout right back – ‘FANTASTIC!’

always.
it was our little thing.

i can still hear that so clearly.
guess it doesn’t matter what the ‘little thing’ is that you
share with someone – if you have something that’s just yours with them,
then maybe you remember it forever.

we talked not too terribly long ago,
over the phone.
and we laughed over the memories
and talked of how good it was to hear each other’s voices.
he sounded tired, worn out…not ready to say he was fantastic anymore.
but still…..it was him.
behind the fatigue.
we could hear each other.
and we remembered.

i am holding him close today.
and remembering what a gift we all are to each other.

vine_200x67

March 4, 2016

could it be the day??

it’s my dad’s birthday today.
he passed away ten years ago.
and this birthday doesn’t seem to be
holding all those strings that many
of the others have held.

but i’m wondering –
could it be holding a string of a very
different flavor?

it’s been one heck of a time for me –
over the last year i have questioned just
about everything in my life.
i mean everything.
for lotsa different reasons that don’t matter.

it’s the questioning that’s been taking such
energy and concentration.

and while it hasn’t been the least bit fun,
i gotta say i truly believe in the long run
this is a really good thing.

and today –
maybe cause i’m thinking of my pop
and some of the really big lessons i learned thru him –
and the really long road i’ve traveled –

i don’t feel like sitting in the doubting mud today.

i just don’t.

and that feels really good.
is it possible it will hold for awhile?

is it possible i will head into spring stronger
for all the looking i’ve been doing, and now
ready to focus forward?

ohmygosh, i hope so!
but one way or another, that’s how i feel today.

and i love that it’s on my dad’s birthday.

to be honest, i don’t think my dad would really
resonate with who i am and how i live and where i want to go.
okay, he’d downright dislike some of it/me.
not all. just some.

and ya know…….that’s okay.

it really really is.

with all the looking and questioning lately,
i see that the only person i really gotta answer to is me.
and baby, i keep doin’ that!

and for today, that’s enough.

which feels kinda cool.

vine_200x67

March 2, 2016

again…

i have posted this before.
i will post it again.
this poem, if i’m lucky,
will shop up over and over again as i go along.

and if i’m lucky,
it will stop me in my tracks every single time.

this is from clarissa pinkola estes
and ‘women who run with the wolves.’

i’m assuming she’s the author of the poem,
but i’m not totally positive.

‘…one night
there’s a heartbeat at the door.
Outside, a woman in the fog,
with hair of twigs and a dress of weed,
dripping green lake water.
She says”I am you,
and I have traveled a long distance.
Come with me, there is something I must show you…”
She turns to go, her cloak falls open,
Suddenly, golden light…everywhere, golden light.’

yeah.
wow.
just wow.

vine_200x67

March 1, 2016

what i’d say to her…

if i could tell her anything,
really tell her so she hears –
it would be something like this…

THE most important thing you can ever do
is to listen to and follow your heart.
believe in its beauty.
work every single day to keep it healthy.

if you focus there, really focus,
you can release into that and let the
rest of life play out as it will.

boundaries will be able to be set without guilt.
you’ll know you’re only doing what you have to
to take care of your heart. you’ll know that is
sacred work and those that matter will understand.
and that those who aren’t healthy enough to grasp
that right now, may learn just from the very act
of watching you. that whatever way others go, you
must go yours.

at the same time, you will be able to make an open
space for others because your heart will be an open
space already.

it will become a wonderful balancing act in which
you will instinctively feel and follow where you are led.

and you will be able to trust in the process that
everyone has to go thru, knowing that we all get
a chance to learn this stuff just by the very gift
of being here on this planet. and that learning involves
failing and falling and hurting.

that compassion matters so much and has similar magical
properties as love and gratitude – but that we often forget
that compassion must also be turned inward and offered to
our own hearts as well.

our hearts know what matters. the emotions we feel deserve
to be recognized and held. so many times they can be used
as tools or magnifying glasses, but then need to be put down
when they’re no longer serving our highest good.

that deeply trusting in this inner guidance is somehow
a release into whatever god is. that somehow when we really
fall into our hearts and listen, we touch the holy.

this is what i was thinking this morning when i wondered
what i would tell her if i could tell her anything.
then i realized – maybe i was the ‘her’ that needed this.

vine_200x67

February 29, 2016

stumbling upon vastness…

it was just a whim.
plans got canceled and it was just filler.
‘well, let’s just go here.’

when i mentioned where to the first two to arrive,
they both looked at me like i had two heads.

‘the natural history museum?’

yeah. what the heck.
i figured it was a good place to start.
and it was already set up with the other half of
the group, so let’s do it.

we had briefly been in there not too long ago
and i was actually creeped out by some exhibit.
so they were a bit surprised.

but we went anyway.
it was just an excuse to be together.
we hadn’t all met up and gotten together in a long time.
so what the heck.

someone wanted to go see marie antoinette’s earrings.
and the way we work is that if anyone has a particular
desire, we’ll go fill it if we can. so we headed off
to find these. what the heck.

gems.
we had to get to the gems.
but you had to go thru a rock display first.

one minute i was just walking thru stuff,
the next i was floored, mouth open, and spirit struck.

we had come to a place where they had meteorites on display.
and there – right there –
where you could touch –
WHERE YOU COULD TOUCH –
was a fragment of one that came from
a 300,000 ton meteorite that struck 50,000 years ago.

woe.

my hands went right to it.
and to the next one and the next one.
i circled around again.
are you kidding me???
this was just too amazing.

i bumped into several different kids that understood
just how cool this was. you could see it in their eyes.
one young girl was just lit up – she, of course, wanted
to be an astronaut. and i have doubt she will. she had
the incredible freshness of getting just how cool this all was.

it took awhile for me to get thru that display.
and by the time we got to the gems, i thought i would just
fall over with overwhelm. there were these beautiful incredible
gems everywhere.

the whole mystery of the universe –
the beauty,
the magnificence,
the vastness…….
the vast vast vastness of it all….
the blues, the greens, the rusts…..

it honestly was a bit much.

the world really is so very overwhelming when you really look.

what a gift to be able to touch something so old that my head
can’t even wrap around it.

what a gift to have the ability to touch.
and to see.

what a gift to be here.

and somehow be the tiniest part of it all.

still reeling a bit…..and smiling an awful lot.

rock

vine_200x67

February 26, 2016

from the head to the heart…

i got to take a coffee break with two
of my sons today. it’s been a long time
since i’ve spent any time with them
and it felt so darn good.

we got to talkin’ about the journey
of getting something that you know in
your head to travel down into your heart.

i felt some of that kinda travelin’ goin’ on
inside me yesterday evening and i didn’t really know why.
i have been wondering for months how to get some
head stuff down into my heart and just been stuck.
and there some of it was, moving down…

how come?
why then?

one of my sons nodded and said he felt a similar
thing recently.

and i think it’s been too long since my sons have
hung out with me as i don’t think he expected my
leaning over asking ‘how?? how did you get it to
shift??’

he didn’t really have an answer and was trying to
figure out when he felt the shift. he gave a time
he thought it happened but his brother corrected him.
apparently the brother witnessed it happen without their
really even knowing.

but now they were thinking about it, they agreed.

so the shift can be seen.

it’s felt by ourselves.
and seen by those around us.

but how does it happen?
do we do something to make it happen?
or does it just have a life of its own?
is that life pushed forward by our being aware
and wanting the shift to happen?

i have no clue.

there’s a voice inside me that’s whispering
that it’s the opening to it that does it.
the over and over opening.
that eventually one of those openings does it –
it makes the pathway open enough for the traveling
to happen between that head and that heart.

i like that idea.
i like that visual.
it gives me something to remember and work with.
it gives me yet another reason to work on opening.

i like it.

vine_200x67