journal

musings and ponderings…

August 19, 2015

a moving vid….

i saw this on facebook this morning.
i’m uncomfortable with the whole thing being
‘set up.’ i’m not sure if that’s an okay thing
or not. and i still haven’t sorted out why
i feel that way.

but!

to see the homeless guy be the one to help…
well, i found it incredibly moving.
and it doesn’t surprise me at all.

it’s good for me to watch things like this.
keeps my heart in check.
and so i thought i’d share.

wasn’t exactly sure how to put it in here.
so i’ll just give you a link.

you can click here to view it!

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August 18, 2015

god is awake

i heard something the other day on my
clarissa cd i’m listening to.
she was quoting some woman in a psych ward
many years ago.
it was something about god being awake,
so you could rest.

i thought i’d remember it forever,
but of course, promptly forgot how it went exactly.

but i remembered it last nite.
well, in my own sorta way.
i didn’t remember the exact quote,
but i remembered the thought.

i was having trouble sleeping.
had a lot on my mind.

and i thought of that quote.
and it helped.

since i don’t have a big visual of god
like a person figure, i ended up goin’ with
a visual of my inner crone being awake
and wrapping around me so i could sleep.

i really really liked that.

so this morning i wanted to see if i could
find the quote. i didn’t……but i really
think it must have come from this –

“Have courage for the great sorrows of life
and patience for the small ones;
and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task,
go to sleep in peace. God is awake.”

-Victor Hugo

kinda nice, huh?

next time you can’t sleep,
think of god, or your inner wise one,
wrapped around you staying awake
so that you can rest and get some sleep.

that’s a good good visual.

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August 17, 2015

a really good day.

it wasn’t til we were driving home
that i realized why it was so easy
to love these friends of mine –

i knew their creativity sparked mine,
but i didn’t really realize that it was
their total lack of wrapped up egos
that was what gave me the room to just
be genuinely inspired.

they didn’t take themselves or their art
too seriously.

they just created because they had to,
because they loved to,
because it helped keep them sane.

what happened after that really didn’t matter.

and my gosh, does that open up some kinda
great space to float in.

and i floated in it all day yesterday.

one of these friends owns the very art gallery
that we hung out in. it is his creation,
his offering to his community.
and it just gets better and better.

it’d been a long time since i just hung
out there all day. and the way i soaked
it up like a sponge let me know how much
i had been missing it.

and i was reminded of just how important
art really is for the soul.

and how much my soul needs to be around
creativity and openness – without the ego.

gosh, it felt good.

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August 14, 2015

from my yellow pad of paper

paper1

the air was extra soft
this morning
as i stepped out
in the dark.
as if she had rubbed
cloud puffs
onto her breezy arms.
i thought of that moisturizer
i just saw
with the gorgeously
outrageous name –
some kind of body loving
soul rejoicing souffle.
i had wanted some.
maybe i wasn’t the only one.
yeah,
i nodded,
the sky indulged
in a morning dab
for sure.
and now,
as i drive,
she musses up my hair,
nudging me not to be too tame.
she whips thru the car
waking up my weary spirit
and dusting off
my dried out skin.

August 13, 2015

i’m flying!

i drove.
down the highway.
the clouds puffin’ along
in the prettiest blue back drop.
me zippin’ along under them.

temperature perfect.
sun at maximum delight.
music pumping me up.

at one point a song i love about
puttin’ love in the world came on.
i was zoomin’ uphill.
totally lost in the idea of being love.

as i drove up and up and up
it looked as if i was gonna drive
right into the sky.

straight smack right into the blue.

i spoke right out loud.
to me.
to myself.
with great enthusiasm.

i’m gonna fly!
i’m gonna fly right into that sky!
this car is the love car!
and it’s gonna fly right into that blue sky!
it’s powered on love!
watch the love car go!
watch us fly!

the looooooooooove car.

and i flew into the clouds
and into the blue.
(well, in my mind i did)

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,
i did loops and wide turns…

and then i came back to earth so i could
drive safely.
yeah, i do pay attention here and there.

and i smiled.
because i can actually fly in the sky
while i drive.

when i’m alone
it’s so easy to be me.
when i’m alone
it’s so easy to fly.

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August 12, 2015

payin attention

i’ve been having story time in the mornings.
i put an audio on of clarissa pinkola estes while
i putter around with some quiet things.
and i listen.
and i become lost in her stories.

in today’s story (taken from the audio ‘the dangerous old woman’)
the young girl says to the old woman –

‘i believed a great untruth
and was untrue to what i believed.’

okay. typing that out of the story, i’m not sure that makes sense?
she believed a lie she was told, and then acted in a way that
went with that lie, and not with what she believed.

i had to pause it.
and just take that in.

several thoughts came flooding into my head.

how about the great untruth of ‘i’m less than’ –
that ‘i’m not enough?’
how about that great untruth?
how about that whopper of a lie so many of us buy into?

and how about how in my depths i know i’m worthy.
and yet i’m untrue to that as i believe the other.

i think that’s what came first.
and that kinda stopped me.

and then multiple inner conflicts i’ve had came
rushing into my mind.

and i realize that i have some sorting to do with my beliefs.

that i will believe opposite things at the same time.

wow. i really do.
how does that work?

it doesn’t.

it muddles me and brings me to places that are hard
and confusing.

of course.

how could that not do that to a person?

so, okay, i want to sit myself down and ask myself what it
is i TRULY believe. and follow that.

thing is, i know it’s not gonna be that easy.
there’s reasons i hold multiple opposite beliefs.
there’s reasons i’m untrue to what i believe.

and i need to look at all that too.
so i guess i’ll start.
i’m thinking it’s time when a sentence like
that from a story stops me in my tracks and has me just
standing still in my living room.

thinking something is sayin’ ‘pay attention, ter. pay attention.’

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August 11, 2015

let it out, baby!

i was on etsy today.
if you’ve never been over there,
you are truly missing out!

they have everything there.
the whole range.
which is one reason i love it.
and as i browsed thru,
i found myself laughing with delight over some of
the creations.

the creativity of people and how it comes
out in so many different forms completely
amazes me and tickles me.

people think of things i never could have!
and i love that.

and as i browsed and gasped and laughed and
clapped my hands and groaned and did everything
in between, i wondered why we’re so afraid to
just sit down and let our creativity out.

this place is living proof that it doesn’t matter
what it comes out like.
it’s ours.
and that part is the wonder and the magic of it all.

you could tell personalities thru the creations,
and if you went to see more of a person’s work,
you could see their style come out over and over
in ways that only they could do.

the styles were as individual as the people.
and that’s what makes it so wonderful!

we’ve all bumped into the art snobs,
we’ve all heard their comments.

pllllllhhhhhhhhhhhhhlllllllppppppppbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb.

(yes, that’s the ol’ raspberry sound)

don’t let that kinda thing stop you.
create.
in any way you like.
let what’s in you out.
it’s good for all of us when you do.
even if you never show anyone.
it’s still somehow good for all of us.
i really believe that.

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August 10, 2015

her little hand

i saw them get on the train.
noticed them.
watched them.

that ‘little kid’ look wasn’t there.
they looked like they had clouds over their faces.
two little girls and a man.
i’m assuming sisters and a dad.
they sat.
he stood.
his back to them.

i watched them.
wondering if it was just a hard morning,
or a hard life.
hoping it was the morning and not every day life.

we got off at the same stop.
and they headed down the stairs along
with a whole herd of people.

earlier in the day we had been talkin’ about how
there’s this kinda unwritten rule about standing
to the right on escalators and letting people walk
by on the left. same kinda went for stairs.
go slow on the right. fast on the left.

i had no idea if every city/place had this or
was it just around here. i was so used to it, i figured
it was a world wide thing.

and now as we descended, and the herds did the
different lanes,

this tiny little girl got left behind. her dad
and her sister headin’ down the stairs at their
own speeds.

this tiny little girl was in the fast lane of
a herd of people goin’ around her. she saw lots
of legs, big steps she had to take two feet at a time
and a dad disappearing down the stairs.

she started crying and saying ‘wait for me.’
but he couldn’t hear her.
he was too far ahead.

i heard her.
and moved next to her.
reached out my hand.

she took it so quickly it surprised me.
and she held on tight.
wow.
her hand felt so tiny.
and the tightness of her grip was
breaking my heart.

clogging up the fast lane,
i set myself right in the middle of everything
and made room for her.

we went down one step at a time as i told her that
he was waiting for her at the bottom and she was doin’
a great job.

she made it down and ran to him.

his reaction pretty much convinced me it’s not just
a hard morning. it’s a hard life.

the inability i have to do anything about that
has been on my mind ever since.

the challenge of being in this world and staying open
again confuses me.

and i can’t stop feeling her little hand.

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August 7, 2015

kindness

oh those simple acts of kindness…
we really don’t know how much they can mean
sometimes, do we?

i had someone do me an act of kindness today.
and i gotta say, i needed it.

there are times i feel like i try really hard
and yet i feel like i’m runnin’ in place.
weary can set in.
and when weary comes in for me,
i get a bit lost.

i have sorta been swayin’ in between lost and
tryin’ hard lately.
over and over.
just a back and forth of the two.

and there have been colors that i’ve been
holdin’ on to.

colors that keep coming up and comforting me.

i’ve been drawn to soft blues and whites for
days now and oddly enough, the
kindness shown me today came in those colors.

i hadn’t consciously realized that i had been
going to these colors for comfort lately.
i didn’t know i did that.

i mean seriously, who goes to colors?
maybe lots of us.
and maybe we don’t even know it.

the colors of the sky.
the softness of them.
the gentle feel they give.

that’s been whispering to me.
and today kindness got whispered thru colors.

how totally cool is that?!

feelin’ the beauty of reaching our hands out.
feelin’ the gratitude for those hands.

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August 6, 2015

from my yellow pad of paper…

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we can lose it when we’re small-
our understanding of our light.
we can take their faults
and weaknesses
and make them ours.
we can live a lifetime under shadows
of other’s delusions
and mistake them for our own beliefs.
and then!
we can wake up and remember.
we can walk thru anger
and forgiveness
to a place where past is past
and who we really are is the now –
standing in the beauty that we always were.
and laughing in the glory of the journey.