journal

musings and ponderings…

June 6, 2016

stepping out

i didn’t realize the gifts i’d get this weekend.
altho, i knew i’d get some.
i just wasn’t sure what they were gonna be.
there was no way i could take this road trip
and not bring something home.

it was a short trip.
not even two blinks – only one blink of time.
but while quick, i was entering a world that
was completely unlike my own. one that kept
me wondering what was going to happen next.

by the time i hit my pillow last nite,
i couldn’t have been happier to be home.
and that was probably the biggest gift –
to love my  life so much and feel that love
as i landed back home.

i think it’s by stepping out of our worlds
that we get to look back thru our own windows.
and that’s no little thing.

and by watching how others navigate thru their lives,
we get food to ponder and reflect on how we navigate our own –
we learn from the people around us by watching.

and gosh, there’s so much to learn.
i wonder why more people don’t watch.
the more we open to everyone, the more we can see.

seems obvious.
but perhaps we get too caught up with ourselves to remember.

i was reminded.
which was yet another gift.

 

 

housewarming

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“it was the place where the rooms beckoned her,
the kitchen sounds soothed her,
and the blankets hugged her.
it was the place that held her laughter
and her tears
and allowed her to be.
it was the place that was her own.
it was sacred,
it was every day,
it was home.”

June 3, 2016

rituals

it’s just the coolest thing –
excitement and anticipation are slipping
into where melancholy  has been.
and, by golly, i’ll take it!

in an effort to pay better attention
and to open more to whatever’s coming my way,
i started a little morning ritual.
doesn’t matter what it is –
thing that matters is it quiets me down for a bit to listen.

this morning in the middle of it,
i felt a nudge to write about something.
i was writing about it last nite.
and there was this nudge to do it again.
from a different angle.

right in the middle of the ritual!
i kinda get hung up on  the ‘well, i’m in the middle
of something here, that can wait’ – kinda stuff.

which is pretty darn funny considering the ritual
is to open and listen and receive!

rolling my eyes here.

yeah, i know.
what can i say?
BUT since the point is to OPEN AND LISTEN,
well, i actually caught myself and stopped and wrote.

and i’m filled with excitement all over again.
had to share it……

 

tear

June 2, 2016

so..um…like finally!

how many times will i forget to trust my own process?
how many times will i need to be reminded to just
hang in there and know things are moving along
inside me and it’s all okay?!

jeesh.
but perhaps my thick-headedness IS part of the process?

it’s been a solid year of difficult.
yeah.
unsettled.
unable to get it ‘right.’
lost.
unsure.
frustrated.
down.
okay, but not.
happy, but sad.
trying.
weary.
trying some more.

that kinda thing.

but this morning i think that the year has been filled with fields,
and valleys, and desserts, and jungles that i’ve had to wander thru.

and yeah, there will be more of those things.
different, but alike.

but right now, i feel like i’m on the edge of clearing.
and i can hear the voices calling.
and i can feel the readiness inside me.

a readiness that’s new.
and full of hope.
and excitement.
not even fear.
more like eager curiosity.

and i’m reminded –
this is how it works.
there’s a process.
it’s not a click of the fingers,
it’s a journey.
and there are lulls and dips and places that feel like
they go on forever –
all bringing us to different places.

where we need to go.

it’s a process.
it’s our process.
we can trust it.
and the more we trust it,
the better it is.

 

the call

June 1, 2016

the speaker of the pond…

was moving along on my walk this morning
unlike i have in ages. felt good. i’ve missed
that faster pace. my mind was on a lotta good
thoughts…but then it drifted…

and i started thinking about someone who
really is just better off not running around in my
head – it does neither one of us any good.

and just then, i looked up and there was a mist
hanging over the little frog pond.

okay, in truth, it’s just one of those drainage ditches
they put in housing developments to catch the runoff water.
but it’s got cattails and frogs and at least one very large bullfrog.
so i love it.  i like to go visit the bullfrog, king croak, in the morning.

but this morning – right there – over it all – kinda like the big floating head
in the wizard of oz – was this big floating misty blob just hanging there.
i pictured a big head with deep eyes and a booming voice –

and i could hear it so clearly. i thought it’d wake the neighbors –

‘FOCUS, MY GIRL. LOOK TO WHERE YOU PUT YOUR THOUGHTS.
SEE THE BEAUTY ALL AROUND YOU.’

and then…sure enough…it floated right outta sight.

ooooooh.
okay.

and so i looked.
at the pond.
at the trees.
at the sky.

and i remembered how big it all is.
and how small i am.
and how lucky i am to be able to watch a little bit.

such better stuff to fill my head with.
so much better for me and for my world.

thanking that floating head this morning,
and gonna try to honor it by keeping my eyes open
to the beauty all around me today.

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May 31, 2016

happy or engaged (no not the ring thing)

just as i’ve come to believe that  the darn
hallmark/disney/rockwell images
have really crippled us in our thinking about
holidays – i’m just now thinking about how
they’ve done that to our every day lives.

i really have liked the idea i’ve been mullin’ each holiday lately
about re-thinking our way of ‘celebrating’ and maybe making it
more broad and more real by using the word ‘honoring’ instead.

there’s so much more to holidays than laughter and cheer
and we just get so stuck if we’re not feelin’/experiencing
those when the day rolls around.

it’s prolly the exact same thing for living and for ‘being happy’ isn’t it?

is that our goal?
to be happy?
i’ve been thinking about that.

and i found a word i like better than ‘happy.’
how about the word ‘engaged’?

to live engaged.
to be engaged with what we’re doing and with the people around us.
to be engaged with the opportunities that life is handing us,
to be engaged in being healthy.

that word fits in there really nice, doesn’t it?!

from what it looks like so far to me,
to really feel alive is to really be engaged.

and i’m thinking THAT’S something i can work with!

if i’m sad, or bummed or weary or down –
getting happy seems a bit too unavailable.
but becoming engaged seems like something i can reach for.
there are days i don’t wanna be engaged.
i wanna just veg out.
and i think that’s part of our cycles and absolutely okay.
even good.
but when i know it’s time to try to move out of that cycle,
i think i can reach for ‘payin’ attention and becoming engaged’
way easier than ‘bein’ happy.’

and i think bein’ engaged is what i really want.
happiness comes with that a lotta times.
not always.
but when it’s not there and i’m engaged anyway,
i’m where i want to be.

i thought this was a kinda cool thought.
will be playing with it for awhile now.
amazing what a few changes in words can do!

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May 27, 2016

the other guy

i have worked a whole lotta years
tryin’ not to look at the other guy.
i’ve made mantras, used symbols,
and have had many talks with myself
to keep my eyes off the other guy
and just look at me.

this has really helped in owning
what was mine to fix in a relationship,
and what was mine to let go of as well.

i have said millions of times to different friends –
concentrate on your own stuff, keep your eyes
off of the other guys. focus on you.

right?
it works good.
has helped a lot.
encouraged a lot of my own inner work.
and has grown me a ton.

the last few days tho, i keep thinking about the complete opposite –
of puttin’ my eyes on the other guy. focusing there.

okay.
in a completely different way.
but still – quite a switch.

for when i’m lost, confused or just don’t know how to get
out of a place i’m in –
it occurred to me to focus on someone i love.
stare at them. see their eyes. hold on to their faces
and pull myself ahead by focusing there.
don’t look down.
don’t think about how muddled i am.
don’t stand in confusion.
focus on their faces, their love,
and pull myself forward.

i picture a rope tied around me stretching to them.
and i’m pulling on it as i walk up a steep something.
it’s a lifeline i can grab
when my other tendency is to just let myself drop
and lay in the dirt.

so far it’s working.
and i’m liking it.
so thought i’d share.

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May 26, 2016

the path with andy…

andy and i have an absolutely cosmic connection.
if i could find the darn post where i wrote the story
of our beginnings, i would. it’s just such an incredible
story. but someone around here talks too much
and there’s no figurin’ where that post is. just take my
word for it – there’s something cosmic goin’ on with
andy in my life.

and once again, he’s totally inspired me.

the other day i saw one of his photos on instagram.
it stopped me in my tracks.
it had a ‘sacred’ feeling to me and totally moved me.
i commented,
he commented,
i looked at his photo again,
moved all over again,
i went over to his fb page to write on his wall –
and i saw his fb cover photo –
a collage of three of his works.

wow.
i was speechless.
the depth and power and strength and mystery –
well…takes the breath away from me.

i have been watching his work for years now.
and i could see how his working so hard on his craft
has honed his skills.

and what it seems to have done, in my opinion,
is made it so that we can see more of who he is.

his getting better and better at what he does makes
who he is clearer and clearer.

how stunning is that?!

i took that thought out on my walk with me.
i wanted to put the thought to use –
what did i want to work with every day?
what did i want to get skilled at –
so skilled that who i was would come out more and more?

i grinned.
okay, maybe that’d be my inner work for me.
yeah, prolly so.

and i was filled with such inspiration.
we don’t even realize what all the work does for us.
we do whatever we do because of the passion and the drive –
but it’s letting us access who we really are in ways we don’t even know.
it’s seen by others in ways we don’t even realize.
and the importance of that, it seems to me, is that when our insides
are seen like that, we can all remember the divine inside us.

i saw andy’s divinity.
and i could hear mine whispering to me.
i could feel the longing to connect to it.

wow.
all from a photo he took on his phone.
well, that and years and years of work behind him
and years and years of striving ahead of him,
and that divine spark inside of him.

it is with great respect, i share andy’s website here.
thanks, mister for the way you keep touching my life!

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May 25, 2016

hard stuff…

last week, a friend of mine
gave me the most amazing nudge.
it took my breath away
and brought tears to my eyes.
and well,
caused a  lotta tears to run down my cheeks too.

she suggested that i work with some
of the hardest stuff for me, and see it as a gift.

a gift?

see, i knew i had to work with my hardest stuff.
i knew that part.
and i had been.

but i thought it was more to ‘be at peace’ with it.
you know – make peace and move on.

and i woulda said i had done a lotta that,
and i wanted to move on.

she suggested there was more.
that it was more than that.
that i needed to see it as the GIFT that it was/is.

seriously?
a GIFT??
seriously?

well, okay, you know what?
i had already said it was a gift.
i had already in my head thought that.

but um….obviously it was only a little bit in my head.
cause – seriously?! a GIFT?!
apparently it fell outta my head cause i wasn’t so sure anymore.

so i started.
i tried.
and wow oh wow oh wow oh wow did i meet with
resistance on the inside of me.

strong immediate resistance.

and so i went inside and checked that out.
and wow.
there’s quite a lotta work to do here.

there’s something about bone sighs.
always has been –
that i can write about stuff even if i haven’t gotten there yet.
like they kinda lead me in the right direction.
like they’re little guide posts and encouragers saying ‘you can get here,
you can do this.’

this one came out this morning and made me smile.
and so……i’ll keep looking for the little place to slip my finger and begin.

i’m thinking this is gold.

(p.s. to my friend who started this – from the bottom of my heart –
thank you..for the gold of this. for the gold of you.)

 

under the hurt

May 24, 2016

reflections

i sat in the sun
at the back of my yard
looking towards my house.

the porch.
the kitchen window.
the coziness.

i love this place.

so many years here.
so many memories.

i can still picture so many of them.
can see the ball throwing,
and the feet running.
the swings goin’ up and down,
and the go-carts roarin’ away.

hear the squeals and the shouts.

all quiet so many years later.
just the breeze talkin’ to me.

whispering…

while the trees keep growing.
and the shadows keep playing in the light.
time keeps passing.
and the ghosts keep dancing in the yard.
and in my head.

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