journal

musings and ponderings…

August 25, 2015

i know now…

i heard a story today on the audio i’m listening to.
one of those fairy tale kinda stories where you have
the predator, and the girl who would be killed by that
predator, but she figured it out, tried to tell her family,
but her family wouldn’t listen. and she began to doubt herself.

what a feeling came over me as i listened.
i remembered a time.
long ago now.
a time where i had come to a place where i understood that
i would die inside if i stayed in that place.
i was so sure of it, that i was willing to lose everything
just to stay alive, and my family couldn’t hear. wouldn’t hear.

i don’t think about that stuff much anymore.
i made it out alive.
and the things that mattered stayed.
much fell away.
but perhaps as it should have.
it’s past history.
i’ve moved forward.

but this morning, it all washed over me again.

i not only made it out alive.
i’ve grown.
thrived.
become so much more of me.

and i know now deep in my bones that there will be those
close by that will tell you that you’re wrong.
that you’re doing the wrong thing.
that you need to stop and do the ‘right’ thing.
and your soul’s survival will not be on the scale
that they weigh these words on.

and i know now deep in my bones that it is up to us
to hear the cries of our soul and to travel where
it is healthy. leaving those who don’t understand
behind.

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August 24, 2015

cause….well….

i was lucky enough to steal some alone time
this weekend. i think between being an introvert
and coming into a place where i really want to get
to know myself better, i just about salivate when
i figure out i can run away by myself for a bit.

i found myself wandering around DC and walking by
a family. the little boy was asking his mom a question
that totally made me smile –

‘do you think chocolate people should eat chocolate?
cause….well…….’

wow!
talk about one heck of a kid question!
and i loved the ’cause….well….’ that traveled
after it.

unfortunately i never heard what mom answered.
i hope it was a good response.
it certainly deserved one.

i got to thinking about how completely precious kids are.
and how i would have loved to wander with that little boy
and talk about it.

i pictured traveling the path of the profound to the silly
and back again that kids do so well.

that’s a good path.
when you cover both those things, i do believe you’re
on to something.

made me want to travel there a little bit more often.

and maybe have a little chocolate while doing so –

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August 21, 2015

crunching and thinking….

i sat and ate my lunch
looking out my window.
thinking.
and crunching.
and thinking.
and crunching.

my head was swimming with stuff.

things that have been making no sense to me
started to click. if my theory was right,
so many things made sense that didn’t make sense
a day ago.

and i got to thinking how crazy human interactions are!

is anything really what it seems to be?

our interactions with people –
are they interactions?
or
are they us reacting to another?
or the other reacting to us?
or all of us reacting to all of us?

is it all about buttons being pushed and not pushed…..?
is it about needs and filters and skewed perceiving?

ohmygosh.

crunching
thinking
crunching.

and then!
we take these reflections,
which honest to pete, may have very little to do with
what’s really going on –
and we make judgments about ourselves.

we can decide we’re not worthy,
or we’re goofy,
or we’re less than,
or too much,
or whatever whatever whatever –
all from how someone reacts to us,
when in reality they could easily be reacting to some
button that’s pushed or some insecurities of their own.
we take that skewed information
and make it our truth.

thinking.
crunching.
thinking.

my hand goes to my crinkled forehead.

oh wow.

i mean,
it’s not like a new thought.
i guess i’ve had this before.
but because of the angle i’m looking at it all with now,
it’s really boggling my mind.

totally making one heck of an impression.

and in the clearest way anything can shine thru
a really hazy mind – there was some kinda fuzzy
understanding that truly what we needed to do was
find who we are – for ourselves –
really learn ourselves –
what delights us,
what lights us on fire,
what puts a damper on us,
what matters to us.
see who we are.
all of ourselves that we can.
and be who we want to be with that.

and honest to pete,
let everyone else do whatever they will with it.
we gotta leave that alone and not toy with it.
because that part isn’t ours.

ours is the seeing and the being of who we really are.
and operating from that center as often as we can.

bam.
that’s what’s ours.

not all this reacting stuff.

not a new thought, i guess.
but for me, today, i really really feel it.

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August 20, 2015

from my yellow pad of paper…

paper1

there they sat.
around the table.
all ages.
from the little girl
to the old woman.
surrounded by teacups,
cookies and laughter.
love filling their eyes
and the room.
sliding the chair my way,
they invite me in.
‘come, we’ve been waiting for you.’
sitting down and joining them,
i begin to know myself.

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August 19, 2015

a moving vid….

i saw this on facebook this morning.
i’m uncomfortable with the whole thing being
‘set up.’ i’m not sure if that’s an okay thing
or not. and i still haven’t sorted out why
i feel that way.

but!

to see the homeless guy be the one to help…
well, i found it incredibly moving.
and it doesn’t surprise me at all.

it’s good for me to watch things like this.
keeps my heart in check.
and so i thought i’d share.

wasn’t exactly sure how to put it in here.
so i’ll just give you a link.

you can click here to view it!

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August 18, 2015

god is awake

i heard something the other day on my
clarissa cd i’m listening to.
she was quoting some woman in a psych ward
many years ago.
it was something about god being awake,
so you could rest.

i thought i’d remember it forever,
but of course, promptly forgot how it went exactly.

but i remembered it last nite.
well, in my own sorta way.
i didn’t remember the exact quote,
but i remembered the thought.

i was having trouble sleeping.
had a lot on my mind.

and i thought of that quote.
and it helped.

since i don’t have a big visual of god
like a person figure, i ended up goin’ with
a visual of my inner crone being awake
and wrapping around me so i could sleep.

i really really liked that.

so this morning i wanted to see if i could
find the quote. i didn’t……but i really
think it must have come from this –

“Have courage for the great sorrows of life
and patience for the small ones;
and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task,
go to sleep in peace. God is awake.”

-Victor Hugo

kinda nice, huh?

next time you can’t sleep,
think of god, or your inner wise one,
wrapped around you staying awake
so that you can rest and get some sleep.

that’s a good good visual.

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August 17, 2015

a really good day.

it wasn’t til we were driving home
that i realized why it was so easy
to love these friends of mine –

i knew their creativity sparked mine,
but i didn’t really realize that it was
their total lack of wrapped up egos
that was what gave me the room to just
be genuinely inspired.

they didn’t take themselves or their art
too seriously.

they just created because they had to,
because they loved to,
because it helped keep them sane.

what happened after that really didn’t matter.

and my gosh, does that open up some kinda
great space to float in.

and i floated in it all day yesterday.

one of these friends owns the very art gallery
that we hung out in. it is his creation,
his offering to his community.
and it just gets better and better.

it’d been a long time since i just hung
out there all day. and the way i soaked
it up like a sponge let me know how much
i had been missing it.

and i was reminded of just how important
art really is for the soul.

and how much my soul needs to be around
creativity and openness – without the ego.

gosh, it felt good.

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August 14, 2015

from my yellow pad of paper

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the air was extra soft
this morning
as i stepped out
in the dark.
as if she had rubbed
cloud puffs
onto her breezy arms.
i thought of that moisturizer
i just saw
with the gorgeously
outrageous name –
some kind of body loving
soul rejoicing souffle.
i had wanted some.
maybe i wasn’t the only one.
yeah,
i nodded,
the sky indulged
in a morning dab
for sure.
and now,
as i drive,
she musses up my hair,
nudging me not to be too tame.
she whips thru the car
waking up my weary spirit
and dusting off
my dried out skin.

August 13, 2015

i’m flying!

i drove.
down the highway.
the clouds puffin’ along
in the prettiest blue back drop.
me zippin’ along under them.

temperature perfect.
sun at maximum delight.
music pumping me up.

at one point a song i love about
puttin’ love in the world came on.
i was zoomin’ uphill.
totally lost in the idea of being love.

as i drove up and up and up
it looked as if i was gonna drive
right into the sky.

straight smack right into the blue.

i spoke right out loud.
to me.
to myself.
with great enthusiasm.

i’m gonna fly!
i’m gonna fly right into that sky!
this car is the love car!
and it’s gonna fly right into that blue sky!
it’s powered on love!
watch the love car go!
watch us fly!

the looooooooooove car.

and i flew into the clouds
and into the blue.
(well, in my mind i did)

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,
i did loops and wide turns…

and then i came back to earth so i could
drive safely.
yeah, i do pay attention here and there.

and i smiled.
because i can actually fly in the sky
while i drive.

when i’m alone
it’s so easy to be me.
when i’m alone
it’s so easy to fly.

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August 12, 2015

payin attention

i’ve been having story time in the mornings.
i put an audio on of clarissa pinkola estes while
i putter around with some quiet things.
and i listen.
and i become lost in her stories.

in today’s story (taken from the audio ‘the dangerous old woman’)
the young girl says to the old woman –

‘i believed a great untruth
and was untrue to what i believed.’

okay. typing that out of the story, i’m not sure that makes sense?
she believed a lie she was told, and then acted in a way that
went with that lie, and not with what she believed.

i had to pause it.
and just take that in.

several thoughts came flooding into my head.

how about the great untruth of ‘i’m less than’ –
that ‘i’m not enough?’
how about that great untruth?
how about that whopper of a lie so many of us buy into?

and how about how in my depths i know i’m worthy.
and yet i’m untrue to that as i believe the other.

i think that’s what came first.
and that kinda stopped me.

and then multiple inner conflicts i’ve had came
rushing into my mind.

and i realize that i have some sorting to do with my beliefs.

that i will believe opposite things at the same time.

wow. i really do.
how does that work?

it doesn’t.

it muddles me and brings me to places that are hard
and confusing.

of course.

how could that not do that to a person?

so, okay, i want to sit myself down and ask myself what it
is i TRULY believe. and follow that.

thing is, i know it’s not gonna be that easy.
there’s reasons i hold multiple opposite beliefs.
there’s reasons i’m untrue to what i believe.

and i need to look at all that too.
so i guess i’ll start.
i’m thinking it’s time when a sentence like
that from a story stops me in my tracks and has me just
standing still in my living room.

thinking something is sayin’ ‘pay attention, ter. pay attention.’

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