journal

musings and ponderings…

October 29, 2015

frustration and trust all mixed in together…

you know how it is when you see someone
hurting people you love needlessly?
just because they’re self absorbed
and unable to put another first? yeah. you do.
you want to kick them to the moon.

and i so so so want to do that right now.
but i know i can’t.
i know the entire thing is out of my control.
and my heart breaks watching the pain
inflicted so thoughtlessly.

there’s a lot of frustration there.
not just over that situation,
but over the gazillions of situations like it.
the ones i’ve watched.
the ones i’ve lived thru.

and well, maybe it actually is good i’ve lived thru some.
because i know first hand that you do grow and get stronger
and learn a ton.

and because of that,
under all the frustration
and very deep sadness
is a belief that the ones who are struggling
ultimately will gain along the way
and will ultimately become more of who they want to be.

certainly tho, they’re gaining that the hard way.

there really isn’t such a thing as an easy ride, is there?

so often i see unhealthy people create so much turmoil
around them all the while having no clue what they’re doing.
all the while they’re assuming it’s everyone else who’s out
of control.

it’s quite a thing to watch.
it’s quite a thing to live.

i’m working hard on focusing on the growth and the possibilities
with only an occasional break of visualizing sending a few
people to the moon.

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October 28, 2015

going back in time…

while digging around for a certain blog post
i wrote years ago, i came across these two.
they go hand and hand and need to be
posted together.

i read one, then the other and remembered
a world that i have let slip to the side.
a world i want to enter again. i wanted to share
these here for anyone else interested in their own
inner worlds.

from march 11, 2009 –

touching my insides….
i so hope i can communicate this….

walkin’….all gray outside.
the gray kinda gray that’s just one shade
of gray….it makes everything kinda feel
like you’re walkin’ thru the inside of
yourself.

i wondered what would it be like to say
this to myself and mean it:

i love you.
and i promise you that every single day
we’re together i will love you with all
that i have. i have been looking for you
my whole life, and i found you. and i
know what a treasure you are. i cherish
you every single day.

i figured i couldn’t do it. say it and mean
it. but i tried it out….why not just
say it and try it?

and so i did.

and then i just felt this release.
like my whole body got more relaxed.
i could feel tons of tension leave….

and then this visual kinda happened….

you know how you might take a kid…or
someone you can lift up….and
pick them up and set them on the counter
sitting there facing you so you can have
a face to face talk?

well……i kinda did that with my self.
only my self was this…oh man…
how to describe???

almost like a butterfly before they get
all unsticky and spread their wings.
i was like a sticky, unspread me….
it wasn’t icky at all.
but there was so much darkness over this
light and glitter….
it wasn’t bad….
it just was.
there was no feeling besides wonder from
me when i looked at myself.

i sat her in front of me and told her
that i loved her……

and then this feeling came over me….
and i knew i had to listen.

that listening was my job.
not talking.

and so i stopped talking.

and i saw things….

i saw all parts of me, things that were
inside me but kinda represented like
archetypes or something.
i saw the little girl, i saw the wise old
crone, i saw the mother, i saw the woman,
i saw all these part of me.

they were me and at the same time they were
every woman that ever lived….
it was all of us mixed up in me….

and i was listening, but there weren’t
any words….just feelings.

and i knew….i just knew….
that all these beautiful parts were in me.
they’ve been there all along.

and there’s nothing i have to do to set
them free except allow them to be free.

allow them to be free and listen.

wow.
if this happens from saying that to myself
one time and not really even being totally
on board with it….what happens if i start
saying it all the time and really believe it??

i’m writing it down and taking it with me
every walk.
i’ll forget if i don’t.
i’ll put it aside if i don’t.

and i have a feeling this is something i really
want to touch again…….

………….

and then, from march 13, 2009 –

butterfly woman
not sure, but thinking this will make no
sense unless you’ve read ‘touching my insides’
a few posts below….

i gave myself brave points yesterday.
well, i get more this morning. a lot more.
and i’m taking them and holding them.
i’m fighting some inner voices on this one…
but wow….if i’m gonna put something out
there….this should be it….

i’ve been low. got hit in a hard kinda way
and haven’t gotten all the way back up.
walked and tried to figure out how i was feelin.
bruised was about all i could come up with.
lousy. that kinda thing.

got to my goodmorningworldspot and took out my
note…the note that tells myself i love me.
snow’s fallin’. i’m tryin’ to shield the note
from the snow. and i read it in a whisper to
myself.

nothing is sinking in. i close my eyes and say
it to myself concentrating harder.

and then i realize i have to go back to seeing
that visual that i mentioned a few days ago…
the non icky sticky butterfly woman….

i realize that i’m fighting a battle here.
and i have been for years and years and finally
the scales are tipping in the right direction.
i can’t let up now.

but i don’t want to. i feel bruised, shaken, lousy
and i don’t want to.

i think of the times when i was sick and i had to
take care of the boys when they were little. how
hard it was, but how i did it anyway because i had
to. because i loved them more than anything and i
had to.

okay then.i go to the visual.
and i feel sick in my gut and i lift my inner
self to the counter again. she’s in the same position
as last time. kinda with her side to me, folded in
on herself, not looking up….

and it hits me.
i never saw her face last time.
i got a feeling, i saw all of her, but her face was
to the side. the things i saw were symbols. i need
to see her face. i know she’s me. why can’t i see me?

and i realized that for eight years now i’ve been trying
to see myself. i have been writing bone sigh after bone
sigh about the importance of seeing myself and i haven’t
been able to do it.

here it is.
i need to do it.

and i can’t.

and then i know……i can’t do this alone. she has to
do it with me. and i realize she can’t do it without me.
it’s got to be together.

we’ve got to see together. she’s got to look at me, and
i have to see her.
and she won’t look as she doesn’t trust me to see.

i need a longer walk, i take an extra lap around the block…

i’m on the highway i leave my baggage at and i step over a
muddy penny. walk a few steps past it and stop. turn around.
pick it up. that’s me. that’s what i’m doin’ right now.
i’m tryin’ to find the shiny penny under the mud.
i take it and slip it in my glove, into the palm of my hand.

holding it tight, i go back to my visual.

i acknowledge that if i see i have to remember.
i acknowledge that i’m not sure i can remember either.
that i’m not sure i can pull off what i need to….
but i will try.

and she turns to me. ever so slowly….

and it’s my face in the dark glittery skin kinda look that
she has.

the same gashy thing by the eyebrow because i’m
always crinklin’ my face tryin’ to figure something out.

the same lines that i’ve disliked on my face are there on
hers looking like they belong there.

i reach to touch her skin and her hand touches mine. she’s
dark, i’m light…i stop and look at the hands. doin’ this
together.

and she turns her eyes to mine.

my god.
her eyes.
i cried and i cried and i cried.

they’re mine.

i saw her.
i really really saw her.

but so quickly.
and i couldn’t get it back.

but we’re not done yet.
nah, we’ve just begun.

i gotta name her…and i guess it’s gotta
be butterfly woman.

i don’t know what all this means.
i do know that i’ve been wanting this for
years…..and it’s here. and i gotta follow it…

and that putting this out here is hard.
cause it’s weird.

and it’s me.
and it’s all i got…….

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October 27, 2015

taking charge and being who you want to be!

sometimes a lot happens at once.
alotta changes happen at once or alotta things
out of your control come whizzing around or life
just seems to be dancing to a different tune. or
your insides just decide it’s time for you to
face a few things.
or all of the above.

ohmygosh.
or all of the above.

whew.

but there comes a moment when you just gotta
holler “ENOUGH!’ and grab what you can and at
least get control of a tiny bit of it all.

i started by cooking and cleaning.
two things that always make me feel like i
can get a grip. throw in a good cry, and i began
to feel like myself again.

and slowly….ever so slowly…i can feel myself
getting back in tune.

it’s when i finally got my furnace to actually work
(nothing too technical here, just a lotta patience)
that i lifted my coffee cup in the air and toasted
a real turn in the right direction.

and it feels good.
baby, it feels good.

i’m writing this post for anyone who’s feeling like
it will never turn back to any kinda good groove.
cause i woulda wanted to read this when i was in that
exact spot – that it certainly will turn back.

it certainly will.

that it’s one heck of a cycle.
and it will circle around again.
and yeah, it’ll keep makin’ the rounds to the other
stuff as well. back and forth and around and around.

just like these beautiful seasons of ours.
some intense harsh days.
some incredibly beautiful soft days.

over and over.
around and around.
and that in itself is a gift.

it’s remembering that when the cycle isn’t in the
pleasant part that’s hard. and it’s reminders
that can help keep us goin’.

sending out a reminder, and a hand squeeze.

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October 26, 2015

our new weekly email!

zakk had the best idea and i’m so excited about it!
he suggested i gather all the highlights,
all the ‘bests’ of that week and then email them
out and share with everyone.

we’ll call it – ‘the week in a nutshell’
and mail it out on thursdays.

you can sign up for it here!

i’m going to try to get the first one out this week!
yay!

October 23, 2015

no control for me today…

two significant feelings today –

one came as i was walking this morning.
i went out when it was still dark.
and i got to be inside the morning when
it woke up. i was filled with a great mix
of awe and feelin’ so honored to get to
be here and watching such a thing.

then later,
after moment after moment after moment
after moment reminding me – i have no
control over anything….i felt off and
edgy.

but as i thought about it,
i understood how the first was just as
big a reminder of no control as all
the little moments that added up into
a great big ball of a reminder.

maybe it’s a good thing to remember.
maybe it helps keep life in perspective.
even if it doesn’t feel all that great
all the time.

we say we know we don’t have control.
yet i’m not sure how much we believe that.

and then i look out my window at a glorious
fall day and i know that i’m so lucky to be
on this ride i’m on. even without the
stinkin’ control.

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October 22, 2015

the preciousness of each other

it was a really short drive.
hardly anything at all.
but still, a great thought surrounded me
in my car and filled my mind and heart.

it was about how precious we are to each other.
and how hard that is to keep in mind sometimes
or to just plain show. and yet, how important
it is to say as often as we can.

walking into my house filled with this thought,
i listened to a phone message from someone i find
very precious. there’s a lot going on in his life
right now and he was giving me an update.

i called him back concerned as he didn’t sound
good, letting the precious thought slip from my mind.
i was kinda living it, but not really thinking it.
if that makes any sense.

at one point i was so filled with appreciation for
him, i just told him flat out that i liked him so much.
and when i heard myself say it, i remembered the
preciousness thought. ah! good stuff. let people know.

and more – it’s more than just letting people know –

keep it in the top of your mind.
hold it in your thoughts.
it’s a form of gratitude.
and while that will help everyone around you,
it will change your entire life.

i’m sure of it.
just as i know i’ll drop this gem over and over again.
but as long as i keep picking it up and holding it,
i’m doing okay.

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October 21, 2015

changes…

and is it not the perfect season
to be sitting with someone you love
talking about changes?

one thing’s for sure –
changes are happening constantly –
with our consent or without.

it’s how we go along for the ride
that matters.

it’s how we go along for the ride
that creates our happiness.

it is such a blessing to have someone
close by who understands what a particular
change means to you. who can roll their
eyes and stomp their feet right along with you.
all the while knowing that it is what it is
and you gotta get a grip.
or is it you gotta let go of your grip?

sometimes, like the seasons, things roll
along back to where you started – more or less.
and sometimes they just don’t.

it’s in the releasing.
the saying ‘i don’t know what’s ahead, let me
find out.’
the opening.
the belief that good can come.
the understanding that magic exists that hasn’t
been experienced yet.
it’s all these things that can keep us moving
forward thru those changes we just aren’t too
sure about.

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October 20, 2015

‘make them gold’

i wanted to share noah urban’s image of
‘make them gold’ but when i went over to get
the link, well….
i wanted to share every darn piece of his.

if you don’t know, noah is one of my sons.
all grown up now in his own home with his own business
and doing his own art! kinda makes a mama proud!

but even without the mothering connection,
this guy’s work would make me stop in my tracks.

so i wanted to share him today.
stop on by his website by clicking here
and check out his heart and soul which are all over
this gorgeous site.

noah, you are amazing!

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October 19, 2015

she reminds me…

i had one of those stories that only she
would understand. which is why she came to mind
when it happened, and why i called her today to
tell her about it.

i just wanted to share a weird story with her.

she took it and used it as a reminder for me.
she affirmed who i was and as the conversation
continued, she offered such peace and trust and
more – she offered such belief in me.

to have someone just love who you are and believe in you,
and be gentle with you when you didn’t even know
you needed that…when you weren’t even looking for it –
well, what a gift that is.

she reminds me – it’s a journey.
and we just keep traveling.
she reminds me not to get hung up on where it’s going,
but to just keep traveling as who i want to be.
she reminds me we all have our paths,
and to just let each other be.
she reminds me that we’re all okay.
she reminds me that i’m not ‘normal’ and that’s
why she loves me.
she reminds me how important nurturing love is.
she reminds me of what i want to offer others.

and somehow, she makes it all seem so very calm
and so very right.

i look back at my journey with her.
we just found each other one day.
bumped into each other and knew we were connected.
and honored that by getting to know each other more.

another reminder mixed in there –
you never know who you will bump into along the way.
stay open.
trust.
and grow.

she reminds me of all these things…

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October 16, 2015

the energy of another…

i’ve been stuck on some inner work.
really really stuck.
got some help yesterday from someone i really trust.
and i could feel a boulder begin to shift.

still more work than i want ahead,
still not sure i can move the boulder like i want to.
still not sure of much.

but i did notice –
something i couldn’t do alone.
i could do with someone next to me.

you’d think i’d know this one.
it’s not just with a girlfriend or a partner.
i’ve done counseling before and had the
same experience.

you’d think i’d know this by now.
but i kinda feel like i woke up to this idea –

sometimes you just gotta have some help.

sometimes it’s someone holding energy
right next to you, or just kinda being a pipe
to some outside energy for you…

there’s magic there.
and should never be forgotten.

something those of us who can get a little
too independent forget…….

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