journal

musings and ponderings…

February 9, 2016

sliding into a whole different mood…

i think it’s been close to a year now
where i’ve been goin’ thru some stuff that
has challenged me to rethink a lotta the
assumptions i’ve had in life.

while i believe that’s a very good thing,
it sure ain’t easy.

i’ve gone thru this kinda thing before,
but as i recall,
the last time was more about beliefs i
held about living.

this time around it’s beliefs about me.

and while i honestly think that’s one of
the best things that can happen to someone,
i gotta say – it’s also really sucked.

there has been so much soul searching,
looking and watching that many times i’ve
been exhausted, full of self doubt or
depressed.

part of the process, yes?

but then…….who knew…..
i looked up after a moment i woulda
guessed would cause more deep self doubt,
and i didn’t feel it.
i actually knew my own truth,
and it didn’t feel like it could be snatched.
go figure.

i recalled one other time i had this chance –
where it was so powerful for me,
but i didn’t know at the moment –
where i could let someone tell me what was true,
or i could believe what i knew.
and again, without my realizing the power it
would hold for me, i held what i knew.

soon after, i got to a place
where i felt like i was sliding up to
the plate, ready to play ball again.

i actually visualized that in my head.
the whole thing –
running up to the plate
with my hair flyin’ behind me and
sliding in,
one foot forward,
ready to really play now.

i could feel the energy zip thru my heart
in a way that it hasn’t in ages.

soul searching matters.
self doubt isn’t always a bad thing.
we gotta look at assumptions as much as we can.
but then….
then…
we gotta decide what’s what.

i’m thinking the soul searching isn’t done
for me. that it will go on and on for awhile.
but for the first time since it began,
i feel completely up for the task
and i feel like i’m finding a belief in me
that i’m thinking i really needed to find.

right smack in the middle of love month.
feels kinda darn perfect to me.

vine_200x67

February 8, 2016

the red love month bird…

why are you always where i can see you?
at first, years ago,
it really creeped me out.
like some sorta strange alfred hitchcock movie –
the red bird always sitting, watching.
whatever window i looked out,
the cardinal was there.

after the millionth time,
i googled what you symbolized,
but still didn’t feel any significance to what i read.

after getting used to it,
calmly telling myself over and over that a
family of cardinals live in my yard,
so of course i would see them constantly…
i got so i ignored it.
i ignored them.
i ignored you.

because deep down,
it really seemed to defy logic.
it really was odd.
and i didn’t want to think about it.
deep down it still creeped me out.

until now.
this morning.
sitting at my desk,
putting my elbows down
and resting my face in my hands,
thinking.
i looked out and saw you.
bam.
right there.

and i stopped.
and asked out loud –
‘why are you always where i can see you?’

and for the first time ever,
i got this really peaceful feeling.
and you did feel like a symbol to me.
but not any i read about on the internet –

you feel like a presence that is here with me.
a loving presence watching me.

and when i finally got that
and watched and soaked in that feeling,
you flew outta my sight.

as if your job was done for the morning,
and you could move on.

the tears came to my eyes,
and the feeling of the presence stayed.

i don’t care anymore.
if it’s because so many cardinals live in my
yard that i’m bound to see them every single time
i look out my window, or if it’s a presence
of something else, or if it’s just a weird
coincidence.

it’s love month.
and my little red bird is making me feel loved.

vine_200x67

February 5, 2016

space making

i’ve talked of the space making
concept before. but i’m thinking it’s
one heck of an important concept,
and i wanted to include it in on the
love month posts.

to be clear, i don’t know what i’m talking about.
i just kinda sense something here that i think
we should explore. and it feels so incredibly
important to me.

i’ve been watching it in how i react to other people
and the space they do or do not make for me,
and how i sometimes hold back the space i could
make for them because of hurt that i’m feeling.
i get too wrapped up in what i need,
to offer what they need. and then there’s very little
space indeed.

so. okay. what the heck do i mean?

do you ever just talk with someone where you feel
safe and it’s easy to say what’s on your mind?
or you get to think new thoughts or explore what’s
inside you. or you get help in figuring out a problem.
how come you feel that with some people and not
with others?

i believe it’s all that stuff we think of right away –
the non-judgment we might feel,
the sincere listening,
the caring that is shown…
all that stuff.
roll all that stuff together and you get this
awesome ‘space’ made for you.

it is in that space we can really be ourselves.

when you’re with someone and you don’t feel that space –
how come?

well the opposites of what i just said, i guess.
throw in defensiveness on their part which leads
to not feeling seen or heard, and you get no space
to feel safe and be who you are.

space.
i’m thinking this space is where we truly get to
be ourselves. it’s where we truly touch real.

so how come so little of it?
how come we don’t feel it everywhere?
i guess it’s obvious and it’s all the games we
have to play.

but i want more of it.
i want to be in it more
and i want to offer it more.

i tend to think i’m good at offering it.
that i’m aware of it.
but where i get really snagged is when i’m hurt.
when i react to someone shutting down that space for me.
bam.
then i shut down the space i would offer them.

okay, there’s times that’s appropriate.
we gotta shut down sometimes.
i get that.
but there’s a lotta times that it would help
so much if i could keep offering that space.
it would change everything.

but how do you keep offering space when you
feel hurt?

that question right there – the deep struggle
that it really is to do that – makes me think
space is really all about love and open hearts.

and i’m thinking that’s one of the greatest
acts of love we can do – stay as open as
we can and keep offering to those we love
when we’re hurt.

and i’m thinking i suck at it.

sigh.

but! it’s love month!
and it’s a month to play with this stuff
and try to be more aware and try to
offer love as much as we can.

whew.

so i’ll at least hold the awareness in my heart,
and maybe, just maybe i can get better at this.

vine_200x67

February 4, 2016

weekly email

i sent out our weekly email this morning!
and wanted to share it with you here.

i wonder if i could actually put the whole thing
right in here? hmmm…well, for now…..here’s
the link.

if you don’t get it, and would like to, there’s
a sign up link on the bottom.

click right here!

vine_200x67

February 3, 2016

letter to a weary heart

hello friend,

news of your weariness comes to me in so many different ways.
the difference in how you wake these mornings –
relieved the nite filled with bad dreams is over,
yet unsure of the reasons that used to propel you out of bed with joy.
the heaviness of the eyelids in the middle of the day,
the pain that is constantly there, whispering ‘i will not be ignored.’
the tears that come regularly now,
filling the silences with quiet sobs.
i have been watching.
allowing your sadness.
trusting your process.
and waiting.
okay.
okay.
you’re right.
fighting it all a little too.
okay.
fighting it a lot.
for you see, i don’t want you to be weary.
when you get weary, i get scared.
‘why?’ you ask me.
i guess because i’m afraid you’ll get so tired you’ll leave.
and if you leave, where will i be?
i would be empty beyond any empty i could ever imagine.
i need you.
you are the source of my song,
my drive,
my desire to live.
you are what i believe in when i can’t believe in anything else.
you are my depths,
my heights,
my vastness.
and i couldn’t bear it if you leave.
so i came today to write you.
and ask you to stay.
i came to remind you of all that you are.
to me, at least.
to me.
i can’t call you my god,
because that would imply some kind of ending with us,
and i know there’s more.
you are my god connection.
you are what reminds me that i am indeed holy.
did you know that?
did you know how much you matter to me?
does it help you to know?
i think maybe it does.
i think maybe i should tell you more often.
you get sad for so many reasons.
and then when it gets so deep and wide,
you feel such sorrow.
you sobbed yesterday for the cruelty of humanity.
you cried and cried and cried.
i heard the words thru sobs
thru the shaking
asking over and over how we could possibly hurt each other like we do.
really craving an answer.
wanting the brutality to stop.
needing some sort of understanding.
and yet there is none.
i wish i could give you answers that worked.
i wish i could wrap it all up and tie it together and make it
something we could hold.
but i can’t.
we can’t hold it.
i wonder if that’s an okay thing?
maybe we just can’t.
and maybe we need to sob for the world sometimes.
maybe somehow that’s an offering we need to give.
and maybe the holding doesn’t matter.
maybe the tears are the gift.
but maybe there’s more to the gift, dear friend,
maybe it’s our not giving up,
our not retreating,
our standing up again.
maybe it’s our presence no matter what.
maybe it’s our getting stronger,
not weaker.
maybe it’s our shining brighter,
not dimmer.
maybe it’s our showing up,
not hiding.
oh, but how?
how to find that strength sometimes?
how to believe it matters?
maybe you need me then.
maybe that’s my time to step up.
maybe i need to show up then and remind you,
instead of fearing your disappearance,
maybe it’s the time for me to wrap myself around you
and tell you what you mean to me.
because if you know that you are seen
in at least one place
and you are understood
and you are loved for all that you are,
and that i believe you matter
i believe that the world needs hearts like you,
maybe we can bring you back to life,
so that you can stay in this world after all.
what do you say, weary one?
rest a bit.
you need it.
rest.
you rest.
i’ll trust.
i’ll stop being afraid you won’t return.
i will know you are only resting.
and you will hold my love for you.
that’s what you can hold –
what you mean to me.
i will wait for your return,
i will wait for your light.
when you’re ready,
bring me your light.
bring all of us your light.

to my heart

vine_200x67

February 2, 2016

day two…self compassion and love notes to myself

i have a hard time being gentle with myself
when i’m feelin’ like i want to be in a
different place in my head.

no…
that’s not right.
it’s when i feel like i SHOULD be in
a different place in my head.
that’s when i get really self critical
and pushy with myself.

certainly i don’t show myself compassion,
patience or gentleness.

but here’s the thing –
i’ve been doin’ my new year resolutions,
right?

and one of them i’ve spoken about.
but sometimes it’s hard to keep up with me.
so you may have missed it –
so in case you did –
one of the things i’m doing is writing
myself love letters every day.

well……weekdays.
and weekdays where i’m alone.
so it’s not every day.
but every day i’m alone, i steal the time
and write myself a poem, a note, a thought –
a love note to myself.

it has turned out to be such a great thing
to do. not because i write amazing stuff to
myself – it’s not about the writing at all.
but because for a few minutes every
day i have to sit down, breathe deep, and love
myself. and then tell myself i do so.

it’s quite a feeling.
sometimes the notes come out like bone sighs,
sometimes just like a note i’d write a bud.
but always loving and supportive.

so…..i’ve been hard on myself lately.
my head isn’t where i want it to be.
i struggle hard to get it where i think it
should be, then it turns, and loses focus.

over and over.

i think there’s a lotta fear pushing that,
a lotta unknowns, just a lotta confusion.

and you’d think i could be gentle with me then.
like, um…..that could really help, terri.

but i tend to scold myself and tell myself
to get it together.

until i have to sit and write myself a love note.

and then all that stops.
and i just work to see the goodness in me.

honestly, what a healing thing to do every day.

i wrote this to myself yesterday and wanted to
offer it here for everyone. because what i’m seeing
is that we all hold the same stuff.
and i just love that.

we’re stronger and more trusting than we know.
let’s take a moment today and see that in ourselves.
let’s see our beauty that shines above the fear.

stronger than you know...

vine_200x67

February 1, 2016

day one – tenderness

it’s day one of love month.
and i couldn’t think of a better place
to start than with someone who taught me
the power of tenderness.

it was in the really dark hard times of
my divorce. my family didn’t support my
decision at all, and wanted me to change
my mind. i was still married, my husband
and kids and i were gathered at my parent’s house.
my folks were upset, my brother uncomfortable,
and everything just awful. it was the last
christmas i would ever spend with my whole family.

i felt so incredibly alone.

and as everyone got up to go to the kitchen
for dinner, my sister-in-law and i were the
last to leave the room. she looked me in the
eyes, smiled so gently, and leaned in and
kissed my cheek so so so softly.

i teared up, tried to pull myself together,
too choked up to speak, i whispered a thank you
and then we headed into a meal that felt
like it went on for years.

that was it.
she never said anything that day.
she just found a moment where it was just her
and i, and she kissed me.

that kiss, that kiss was one of the biggest
gifts i received thru that awful time.

for me, it said, ‘i see you, i see your pain,
and i love you.’

it was the gentleness of love.

none of my family was telling me that then.
let alone offering me anything gentle.
to have that given so tenderly was something
i will always remember.

she had a rough marriage.
and i believed craved tenderness.
and somehow that makes her offering tenderness
all the more powerful to me.

tenderness.

when’s the last time we really truly
offered that? and how often do we miss
the opportunity? maybe this month, we can
pay just a bit more attention.

my sister in law has passed away.
every time i remember her, i think of her
loving heart. and i think of that gift she gave me.

something inside of me got sealed to her
in that moment. there was power there i never
even knew about.

that’s the kinda power we can touch this month –
and of course, every day, if we want to.

i made this ‘shareable’ some time ago. it’s
to pass around on social media. i will be posting
it today in different places and remembering
janene with such love today.

tenderness

vine_200x67

January 29, 2016

remembering love

i walk around talkin’ a beautiful talk.
all about being love and living love.
but man, sometimes i don’t feel like
i really know how to walk that talk.

there are times it’s easy.
but those times really don’t count,
do they?

it’s gotta be the tough times that
you keep it in mind and you live it.

that’s when you know you’re walkin’ your talk.

i know that.
and i want that.
but sometimes i don’t know how to do that.

but at least it’s on my mind.
that’s a benefit i’m seeing happening.
it’s always on my mind now.
and it’s truly a goal i hold.
and drop.
and hold again.
and drop again.
and hold again.

and as i’ve gone along,
i’ve learned that the things that
center me and put life in perspective
for me are vital when i’m not sure on
how to love like i want to love.

i took a candlelight shower this morning
just to remember the love inside of me.
and the love i wanted to live.

that was brilliant.
cause i needed to feel it.
sometimes the stuff of life can create
things inside me that cover that awareness.

i deliberately went to shower off that stuff
and to uncover the stars inside me.

it worked.
by the time i was done,
i could feel the energy zinging around
inside me and i felt like i could love
like i wanted to.

now that i’ve been outta that shower for
a few hours, i’m doubtful again!

jeesh.
i wonder if i could stay in a shower all day?

hmmmm…
chicken.

walk your talk in the tough moments
and know that you have stars inside you.

and hop in the shower as often as you need to!

and just figure that runnin’ out of hot water
is your nudge to go tackle your world!

vine_200x67

January 28, 2016

not even a heads up…

life is just full of changes.
that’s just the deal.
the nature of it all.
you can’t get around it.
and yet, still, over and over again
i’m surprised by that,
whine about it,
am thrown by it,
or fight against it.

i’ve been really thinking about it now for
about six months. as that’s when a few changes
that felt pretty big to me started happening.

my partner moved in with me after my being on
my own for a few years – and my gosh – we are as
different as they come, so yeah, a few changes there.

and there were pretty big shifts in my relationships
with my sons. the whole ‘mothering’ game changed,
and trying to get the hang of that has been a challenge.

in thinking about this it occurs to me that it’s hard
to get a handle on it all sometimes as there are so many
different layers and threads to it. trying to figure
out exactly what you’re feeling or reacting to is a
bit tricky.

and as far as i can see, these are the really easy changes.
both of these challenges came with heads up stuff –
i knew the were coming. and there’s a lotta good stuff mixed in.

and still, i struggle.

and then i see a whole lotta changes that are just so huge.

i watch the challenges get harder.
the ones without the heads up.
the ones that aren’t filled with a whole lotta good.

i see a friend who is a caretaker and her daily challenges.
and how the rules will change for her over and over again.
and how over and over again she tries to find her footing.

and then let’s get even harder –

i watch a friend who had a stroke and his work to getting
back to where he was before that happened. his victory in
just standing back up again. i think of his challenge every
single day.

and then right now i’m watching a step up from that –
a young woman – too young for a stroke – dealing with having
had one anyway and the disease that’s causing all her problems.
having very real conversations with her husband about her dying.
talk about a game changer.

there’s no heads up.
the rules just changed.
there’s nothing you can do but go in the direction you’ve
just been thrown.

i tell ya, as i’ve watched, my changes have seemed pretty small.
when i think of all the threads and layers involved in
my stuff, i have to multiply that by ten thousand for some
of this other stuff.

wow.

so i’m watching.
and trying to learn from the watching.

i’m not sure i’m learning much of anything,
but maybe.
and i’m certainly inspired.
inspired by the drive and the commitment and the hard work
that i see all around me.

the people doing this stuff don’t necessarily see it in
themselves. perhaps they’re too busy working to step back and see.

but i’m noticing it.
and watching the muscles that develop from this.
the spirits behind the efforts.

and maybe that’s what i’m starting to learn –
we can do what we gotta do.
we’re stronger than we think.

and maybe sometimes the trust isn’t about trusting
the journey and what it will bring us –

maybe the trust is trusting in ourselves
and what we can do with what comes our way.

trusting in ourselves to handle what we must.

maybe i’ll try to bring that back to my daily life
when i’m trying to untangle the threads and layers
of things inside me that get jumbled. maybe what i
gotta do is run every thread, every layer thru a
check point.

a trust check point.

are you trusting YOU thru this, ter?

trust yourself.
you can do it.

over and over again.

and we grow and we strengthen.

vine_200x67

January 27, 2016

what i want

i have an urge to type out
what it is i want with my life.
and i don’t know what’s going to come out.
i just want to type and let it flow outta me.
so this seemed like the perfect place to try that –

let’s see what happens…

i want to live with all my might.
really.
truly.
with all the muscle of my might.
with all the energy of my soul.
i want real.
not fake real.
not half hearted real.
REAL real.
and honest.
tough to look at but willing to anyway honest.
and passionate –
hot burning flaming passion.
not just in my love life –
but sure, that too!
but in how i live
which is my love life and my life of love –
it’s what i do with my moments –
and how intensely i give myself to them.
in how i believe in that giving –
and how i listen to what’s guiding me.
and how i let that all burn inside and outside of me.

i want to do things because they matter to me.
not because i’m supposed to.
i want to make enough money to give gifts easily
and yet never do anything because the money made
me do it.
i want that to be the gift i buy for myself –
not selling out.
not giving up on following my heart.
that’s the biggest thing i can gift myself.

in believing in those offerings and moments
and drives and passions, i gotta believe in
me, don’t i?

i gotta really really tap into holding my beauty
and allowing it to flow
and letting it be accepted –
or not.

i gotta let parts of the world embrace it,
and parts of the world walk on by it,
and parts of the world insult it.

because that’s living in the world with heart.
and i have to let none of that matter.
because it’s what i have to do no matter what.

someone once told me she was uncomfortable
with the whole following your heart concept
as you didn’t really know if it was your heart
or something else leading you.

she didn’t know her heart yet.
cause when you do, you’re okay.
you know.

and i do.
i do know my heart.
or a good part of it, anyway.
and i want to shout that out and claim it.
i do know my heart!
and gosh, i like it.
and i don’t want to be anyone else.

i want to be me.
completely and totally me.

and there’s so much of me i haven’t found yet.
and there’s so much of me that changes before
i can figure out what’s happening.

and i want to be in on it all.
i don’t want to coast, bargain or sleep walk thru myself.

i want to light a torch and explore the hallways
and cellars and back alleys of my being.

i want to light a fire inside myself
and then laugh when i find the fire that was
already lit from way long ago just waiting for me.

there’s a world inside me.
and i want in on it.

now.
right now.
today.

that’s what i want.

vine_200x67