journal

musings and ponderings…

August 14, 2015

from my yellow pad of paper

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the air was extra soft
this morning
as i stepped out
in the dark.
as if she had rubbed
cloud puffs
onto her breezy arms.
i thought of that moisturizer
i just saw
with the gorgeously
outrageous name –
some kind of body loving
soul rejoicing souffle.
i had wanted some.
maybe i wasn’t the only one.
yeah,
i nodded,
the sky indulged
in a morning dab
for sure.
and now,
as i drive,
she musses up my hair,
nudging me not to be too tame.
she whips thru the car
waking up my weary spirit
and dusting off
my dried out skin.

August 13, 2015

i’m flying!

i drove.
down the highway.
the clouds puffin’ along
in the prettiest blue back drop.
me zippin’ along under them.

temperature perfect.
sun at maximum delight.
music pumping me up.

at one point a song i love about
puttin’ love in the world came on.
i was zoomin’ uphill.
totally lost in the idea of being love.

as i drove up and up and up
it looked as if i was gonna drive
right into the sky.

straight smack right into the blue.

i spoke right out loud.
to me.
to myself.
with great enthusiasm.

i’m gonna fly!
i’m gonna fly right into that sky!
this car is the love car!
and it’s gonna fly right into that blue sky!
it’s powered on love!
watch the love car go!
watch us fly!

the looooooooooove car.

and i flew into the clouds
and into the blue.
(well, in my mind i did)

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,
i did loops and wide turns…

and then i came back to earth so i could
drive safely.
yeah, i do pay attention here and there.

and i smiled.
because i can actually fly in the sky
while i drive.

when i’m alone
it’s so easy to be me.
when i’m alone
it’s so easy to fly.

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August 12, 2015

payin attention

i’ve been having story time in the mornings.
i put an audio on of clarissa pinkola estes while
i putter around with some quiet things.
and i listen.
and i become lost in her stories.

in today’s story (taken from the audio ‘the dangerous old woman’)
the young girl says to the old woman –

‘i believed a great untruth
and was untrue to what i believed.’

okay. typing that out of the story, i’m not sure that makes sense?
she believed a lie she was told, and then acted in a way that
went with that lie, and not with what she believed.

i had to pause it.
and just take that in.

several thoughts came flooding into my head.

how about the great untruth of ‘i’m less than’ –
that ‘i’m not enough?’
how about that great untruth?
how about that whopper of a lie so many of us buy into?

and how about how in my depths i know i’m worthy.
and yet i’m untrue to that as i believe the other.

i think that’s what came first.
and that kinda stopped me.

and then multiple inner conflicts i’ve had came
rushing into my mind.

and i realize that i have some sorting to do with my beliefs.

that i will believe opposite things at the same time.

wow. i really do.
how does that work?

it doesn’t.

it muddles me and brings me to places that are hard
and confusing.

of course.

how could that not do that to a person?

so, okay, i want to sit myself down and ask myself what it
is i TRULY believe. and follow that.

thing is, i know it’s not gonna be that easy.
there’s reasons i hold multiple opposite beliefs.
there’s reasons i’m untrue to what i believe.

and i need to look at all that too.
so i guess i’ll start.
i’m thinking it’s time when a sentence like
that from a story stops me in my tracks and has me just
standing still in my living room.

thinking something is sayin’ ‘pay attention, ter. pay attention.’

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August 11, 2015

let it out, baby!

i was on etsy today.
if you’ve never been over there,
you are truly missing out!

they have everything there.
the whole range.
which is one reason i love it.
and as i browsed thru,
i found myself laughing with delight over some of
the creations.

the creativity of people and how it comes
out in so many different forms completely
amazes me and tickles me.

people think of things i never could have!
and i love that.

and as i browsed and gasped and laughed and
clapped my hands and groaned and did everything
in between, i wondered why we’re so afraid to
just sit down and let our creativity out.

this place is living proof that it doesn’t matter
what it comes out like.
it’s ours.
and that part is the wonder and the magic of it all.

you could tell personalities thru the creations,
and if you went to see more of a person’s work,
you could see their style come out over and over
in ways that only they could do.

the styles were as individual as the people.
and that’s what makes it so wonderful!

we’ve all bumped into the art snobs,
we’ve all heard their comments.

pllllllhhhhhhhhhhhhhlllllllppppppppbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb.

(yes, that’s the ol’ raspberry sound)

don’t let that kinda thing stop you.
create.
in any way you like.
let what’s in you out.
it’s good for all of us when you do.
even if you never show anyone.
it’s still somehow good for all of us.
i really believe that.

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August 10, 2015

her little hand

i saw them get on the train.
noticed them.
watched them.

that ‘little kid’ look wasn’t there.
they looked like they had clouds over their faces.
two little girls and a man.
i’m assuming sisters and a dad.
they sat.
he stood.
his back to them.

i watched them.
wondering if it was just a hard morning,
or a hard life.
hoping it was the morning and not every day life.

we got off at the same stop.
and they headed down the stairs along
with a whole herd of people.

earlier in the day we had been talkin’ about how
there’s this kinda unwritten rule about standing
to the right on escalators and letting people walk
by on the left. same kinda went for stairs.
go slow on the right. fast on the left.

i had no idea if every city/place had this or
was it just around here. i was so used to it, i figured
it was a world wide thing.

and now as we descended, and the herds did the
different lanes,

this tiny little girl got left behind. her dad
and her sister headin’ down the stairs at their
own speeds.

this tiny little girl was in the fast lane of
a herd of people goin’ around her. she saw lots
of legs, big steps she had to take two feet at a time
and a dad disappearing down the stairs.

she started crying and saying ‘wait for me.’
but he couldn’t hear her.
he was too far ahead.

i heard her.
and moved next to her.
reached out my hand.

she took it so quickly it surprised me.
and she held on tight.
wow.
her hand felt so tiny.
and the tightness of her grip was
breaking my heart.

clogging up the fast lane,
i set myself right in the middle of everything
and made room for her.

we went down one step at a time as i told her that
he was waiting for her at the bottom and she was doin’
a great job.

she made it down and ran to him.

his reaction pretty much convinced me it’s not just
a hard morning. it’s a hard life.

the inability i have to do anything about that
has been on my mind ever since.

the challenge of being in this world and staying open
again confuses me.

and i can’t stop feeling her little hand.

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August 7, 2015

kindness

oh those simple acts of kindness…
we really don’t know how much they can mean
sometimes, do we?

i had someone do me an act of kindness today.
and i gotta say, i needed it.

there are times i feel like i try really hard
and yet i feel like i’m runnin’ in place.
weary can set in.
and when weary comes in for me,
i get a bit lost.

i have sorta been swayin’ in between lost and
tryin’ hard lately.
over and over.
just a back and forth of the two.

and there have been colors that i’ve been
holdin’ on to.

colors that keep coming up and comforting me.

i’ve been drawn to soft blues and whites for
days now and oddly enough, the
kindness shown me today came in those colors.

i hadn’t consciously realized that i had been
going to these colors for comfort lately.
i didn’t know i did that.

i mean seriously, who goes to colors?
maybe lots of us.
and maybe we don’t even know it.

the colors of the sky.
the softness of them.
the gentle feel they give.

that’s been whispering to me.
and today kindness got whispered thru colors.

how totally cool is that?!

feelin’ the beauty of reaching our hands out.
feelin’ the gratitude for those hands.

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August 6, 2015

from my yellow pad of paper…

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we can lose it when we’re small-
our understanding of our light.
we can take their faults
and weaknesses
and make them ours.
we can live a lifetime under shadows
of other’s delusions
and mistake them for our own beliefs.
and then!
we can wake up and remember.
we can walk thru anger
and forgiveness
to a place where past is past
and who we really are is the now –
standing in the beauty that we always were.
and laughing in the glory of the journey.

August 5, 2015

an odd game of peek-a-boo

the morning woke gently.
i know.
i saw it.
i watched it.
i soaked it in like a thirsty sponge.
standing at the end of my driveway,
i drank and drank and drank pink sky.
i drank until there was no more pink.
and the gentleness faded into the morning light.

i turned and walked back into my house.
i noticed the act of closing the door.
i didn’t want to close out the gentle.
and i felt like i was.

i went about my stuff.
mopped the floor, cleaned the house,
then took the laundry to hang out back.

as i hung the last of it, i glanced at my roof.
oh man.
the gutters were stuffed with leaves.
just stuffed.
‘you can’t ignore them they’re so stuffed’ stuffed.

and then i noticed.
just above the roof.

the sky.
still gentle in its pajamas of soft blues and whites.

i really really didn’t want to clean out the gutters.
my back hurt, my arms weren’t workin’ right.
i was totally feeling achy and old. and getting
the ladder out and cleaning the gutters was not on my
list of what i wanted to do.

then i saw the sky.

hmmmm…..

it WOULD take me closer to that softness, i thought.

and so i got the ladder.
and i began.

what a mixture.
the gutters were stuffed gross.
i put my hand (gloved, thank goodness) into an ants nest.
ugh.
i scattered ants, leaves and gunk.

and then i’d glance at the sky.
gentle would take over.

i’d go down the ladder,
move it,
feel covered in sweat,
wonder what the deal was with the yappy dog i kept hearing,
head back up the ladder,
and then see the sky as i got up close to the roof.
all thoughts would stop.
and i’d hear something –

‘YES? I’M RIGHT HERE.’

it was god.
big and boomy.
yet soft and gentle.

then i’d get distracted in gunk and sweat.
i’d focus on what i was doin’.
i’d go down the ladder.
and up the ladder.
and then i’d hear/see ‘YES? I’M RIGHT HERE.’

and each time i realized god was there,
i’d fill with the gentleness that was offered.
each time i could feel it so soft and tender.

over and over again.
god and i played a weird sorta peek-a-boo.

over and over again i soaked up god thru the sky.

i’m back in the house now.
but stayin’ near a window.
thinking i want to play this game all day long.

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August 4, 2015

movin’ our clocks

we were sharin’ the office here together last week.
my guy and me.
both working.
on very different jobs.

he’s an engineer.
and i’m….well….you know……
a creative.

tryin’ to concentrate at my desk while he was inches
away at his in a very focused conversation, i couldn’t
help but hear the coolest phrase. my eyes got big and
i smiled. and then i jotted it down.

it’s on a sticky note at my desk here because i loved
it so much. i loved how he said it in the midst of this
big technical talk that i couldn’t understand at all.
and i loved how it was technical to him and whoever he
was talking to – but totally not to me. i loved how
he said it like he had no idea how cool it was to say.

‘you move your clock off of reality.’

that’s what he said.

yeah.
weird, huh?

you move your clock off of reality.

i still haven’t asked him what he meant.
i might sometime.
but then again, i might not.
cause i think i want to keep it for myself.
make it my own meaning.

i like the idea that sometimes we just move our clock
and just take a break from it all.
i like that idea a lot.

we just move our clock off.
of reality.
and take a tiny little break.

thinking i may just do that this afternoon…..

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August 3, 2015

this ain’t my sinkhole baby. what the heck am i doin’ here?!

man.
ever feel like you’ve been in some darn sinkhole of
other people’s issues? and you’ve just been stuck
there tryin’ to figure out what’s goin’ on, how to
be there for them, or how to maintain some sense of
normalcy with them?

frustration happens and you sink a little more.
you get some sort of break and the light looks like
it’s coming out and you rise up, only to sink again
when someone’s moodiness pours on thru the opening.

i’ve been double whammied lately.
and i think i’ve hit my limit.
i really do.

i mean, it’s one thing when it’s a sinkhole of your
OWN issues and stuff…….
but when it’s not even YOURS….
well, then, what the heck are you doin’ in there?

so i got on the treadmill this morning.
ahhhhhhhhhhh not only did i need to be there to untangle
some stuff in my head, i needed to be there to claim something
back in myself. and it felt good.

i imagined what i wanted to say to these people who i feel
are really missing out right now.

it came easy.
oh i can give advice to other people easily.
then toss it in imaginary conversations,
and it just flows out.

but i’ve learned a little trick.
then i toss it back on me.
see if it works for me as well.

bingo!

it goes something like this –
pretty basic stuff –
but maybe something we could all use a bit of a reminder with –

this is it.
your life.
and spose this was the last week of it.
would you really want to live it like this?
then look at that answer and adjust what needs adjusting.

i found what needs adjusting
and i’m workin’ on fixin’ that right now.
first thing on the list –
climb out of this sinkhole of other people’s creation
and go play.

that seems to work nicely with letting other people deal
with their own stuff, keeping my hands off tryin’ to fix
life for everyone, and just focusing on what i can do
in my own life for me. seems like a good start.

off to it!

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