journal

musings and ponderings…

October 23, 2015

no control for me today…

two significant feelings today –

one came as i was walking this morning.
i went out when it was still dark.
and i got to be inside the morning when
it woke up. i was filled with a great mix
of awe and feelin’ so honored to get to
be here and watching such a thing.

then later,
after moment after moment after moment
after moment reminding me – i have no
control over anything….i felt off and
edgy.

but as i thought about it,
i understood how the first was just as
big a reminder of no control as all
the little moments that added up into
a great big ball of a reminder.

maybe it’s a good thing to remember.
maybe it helps keep life in perspective.
even if it doesn’t feel all that great
all the time.

we say we know we don’t have control.
yet i’m not sure how much we believe that.

and then i look out my window at a glorious
fall day and i know that i’m so lucky to be
on this ride i’m on. even without the
stinkin’ control.

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October 22, 2015

the preciousness of each other

it was a really short drive.
hardly anything at all.
but still, a great thought surrounded me
in my car and filled my mind and heart.

it was about how precious we are to each other.
and how hard that is to keep in mind sometimes
or to just plain show. and yet, how important
it is to say as often as we can.

walking into my house filled with this thought,
i listened to a phone message from someone i find
very precious. there’s a lot going on in his life
right now and he was giving me an update.

i called him back concerned as he didn’t sound
good, letting the precious thought slip from my mind.
i was kinda living it, but not really thinking it.
if that makes any sense.

at one point i was so filled with appreciation for
him, i just told him flat out that i liked him so much.
and when i heard myself say it, i remembered the
preciousness thought. ah! good stuff. let people know.

and more – it’s more than just letting people know –

keep it in the top of your mind.
hold it in your thoughts.
it’s a form of gratitude.
and while that will help everyone around you,
it will change your entire life.

i’m sure of it.
just as i know i’ll drop this gem over and over again.
but as long as i keep picking it up and holding it,
i’m doing okay.

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October 21, 2015

changes…

and is it not the perfect season
to be sitting with someone you love
talking about changes?

one thing’s for sure –
changes are happening constantly –
with our consent or without.

it’s how we go along for the ride
that matters.

it’s how we go along for the ride
that creates our happiness.

it is such a blessing to have someone
close by who understands what a particular
change means to you. who can roll their
eyes and stomp their feet right along with you.
all the while knowing that it is what it is
and you gotta get a grip.
or is it you gotta let go of your grip?

sometimes, like the seasons, things roll
along back to where you started – more or less.
and sometimes they just don’t.

it’s in the releasing.
the saying ‘i don’t know what’s ahead, let me
find out.’
the opening.
the belief that good can come.
the understanding that magic exists that hasn’t
been experienced yet.
it’s all these things that can keep us moving
forward thru those changes we just aren’t too
sure about.

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October 20, 2015

‘make them gold’

i wanted to share noah urban’s image of
‘make them gold’ but when i went over to get
the link, well….
i wanted to share every darn piece of his.

if you don’t know, noah is one of my sons.
all grown up now in his own home with his own business
and doing his own art! kinda makes a mama proud!

but even without the mothering connection,
this guy’s work would make me stop in my tracks.

so i wanted to share him today.
stop on by his website by clicking here
and check out his heart and soul which are all over
this gorgeous site.

noah, you are amazing!

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October 19, 2015

she reminds me…

i had one of those stories that only she
would understand. which is why she came to mind
when it happened, and why i called her today to
tell her about it.

i just wanted to share a weird story with her.

she took it and used it as a reminder for me.
she affirmed who i was and as the conversation
continued, she offered such peace and trust and
more – she offered such belief in me.

to have someone just love who you are and believe in you,
and be gentle with you when you didn’t even know
you needed that…when you weren’t even looking for it –
well, what a gift that is.

she reminds me – it’s a journey.
and we just keep traveling.
she reminds me not to get hung up on where it’s going,
but to just keep traveling as who i want to be.
she reminds me we all have our paths,
and to just let each other be.
she reminds me that we’re all okay.
she reminds me that i’m not ‘normal’ and that’s
why she loves me.
she reminds me how important nurturing love is.
she reminds me of what i want to offer others.

and somehow, she makes it all seem so very calm
and so very right.

i look back at my journey with her.
we just found each other one day.
bumped into each other and knew we were connected.
and honored that by getting to know each other more.

another reminder mixed in there –
you never know who you will bump into along the way.
stay open.
trust.
and grow.

she reminds me of all these things…

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October 16, 2015

the energy of another…

i’ve been stuck on some inner work.
really really stuck.
got some help yesterday from someone i really trust.
and i could feel a boulder begin to shift.

still more work than i want ahead,
still not sure i can move the boulder like i want to.
still not sure of much.

but i did notice –
something i couldn’t do alone.
i could do with someone next to me.

you’d think i’d know this one.
it’s not just with a girlfriend or a partner.
i’ve done counseling before and had the
same experience.

you’d think i’d know this by now.
but i kinda feel like i woke up to this idea –

sometimes you just gotta have some help.

sometimes it’s someone holding energy
right next to you, or just kinda being a pipe
to some outside energy for you…

there’s magic there.
and should never be forgotten.

something those of us who can get a little
too independent forget…….

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October 15, 2015

a thought

you want to be rid of them?
believe in yourself.
know your worth.
love who you are.
then you finally finally show up.
and they’ll never be back again.

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October 14, 2015

look and see

a neighbor pulled up in his car as
i was walking. i asked him how he was
and the first thing out of his mouth
was that his dad passed in july.

i thought this an interesting comment
coming from someone i barely talk to.
and when we do talk, it’s not about that
kinda thing. it came out so quickly. like he
needed to say it. so i asked him about it.
asked how he was doing. asked about the
relationship and his reactions to the ending.

and as he told me of the various strings
that were wrapped around the relationship
i could see why it’d be really difficult
to process.

from my responses to him, i could also see
how deeply i’ve wandered into the idea that
it’s all stuff we can learn from. and that
taking these things and going down to the
next level and really looking at them will
make a big difference in what we do with them.

before he pulled up, i was doin’ some of
my own thinking. some of my own processing.

and as i walked away from the car and back
up my street, i honestly could hear this
urging from somewhere outside myself –
or maybe from somewhere deep inside myself –
who could tell –
but i heard this urging –

look. and see, terri.
keep looking.
keep seeing.

it’s vital.

i looked up at the sky and nodded.

i’ll keep trying.
over and over i’ll keep trying.

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October 13, 2015

wow

i took a walk as the day was dawning.
one thing led to another and i went a way
i don’t usually go.

well….until now.

now it will definitely be part of my
regular route.

because at one point i walked by a little pond
and as i came near, the frogs jumped in the water
making loud galunking sounds –
which somehow uncovered my inner child who’d been hiding.

i felt her glee and delight.

and my eyes smiled.

and then as i turned to walk back up the street,
the sky was so wide and open and beautiful
that i stood still and just looked up and
whispered out loud ‘wow.’

life is everything.
and i’m so feeling it right now.
it’s filled with sorrow and loss,
and struggle and work,
and glory and light,
and silliness and the mundane.
and wow.

always always there’s a wow.
maybe you need to turn in a different direction
to see it, but it’s there.
waiting to stop you in your tracks.

life is everything.
and as it all washes over me,
i feel so lucky to be here muddling
my way thru.

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October 12, 2015

sadness

the sadness in their eyes just gets me.
we talk about serious stuff, sad stuff,
funny stuff, light stuff, regular stuff,
and the sadness stays.

that’s cause that’s what sadness does,
ya know?

it stays with us.
and if it’s attached to grief,
it just settles right on in and takes over.

i want to take it away when i see it.
i want it to be gone, and to have their
eyes sparkle with joy.

i could say it’s because they’re young
and i want them to be happy.
but if they were old, i would feel the same.

is it because i’m afraid of sadness?
is it because i think happiness is better
than sadness?
certainly easier.
and more fun.
but i wouldn’t be able to say ‘better’
it doesn’t work that way.

i keep hearing myself saying that they’ll
take this and turn it into wisdom.

and i believe that.
i really do.

so i remind myself over and over again –
it’s okay. let it be.
it’s right it’s there.
it’s needed right now.
and it needs to be trusted.

trust it for them.
trust it for you.
trust it for a friend you’ve lost.

and so i grab my push mower,
do lawn mowing therapy,
and remind myself over and over again –

trust the process.
trust.

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