journal

musings and ponderings…

January 5, 2016

it’s not windy out.

i love it when people impress me with
their attitudes. that just makes me happy.

i took a walk early this morning.
and it was cold!
for around here, anyway.
it was a whopping 17 degrees at that time of day,
and the ‘real feel’ said it was FIVE!

i moved fast, baby!
wanted to warm up.

there’s an older couple that live around the block from me
that walk around the same time of morning. we see each
other a lot and have become friendly.

when i walked by their house this morning, i thought
for sure they would stay in because of the cold.
but sure enough, i bumped into them.

i told them i was surprised to see them.
thought it’d be too cold.
and the woman didn’t even think about it,
she just looked at me and said so sincerely –
‘well, it’s not windy out.’

i absolutely loved it when she said that.
it was just like ‘yeah, it’s cold. but it
could be worse.’

and i had a feeling she’d be like that with
any temperature.

she just totally didn’t see a problem.

her husband piped up ‘we’re tough.’
and i nodded and laughed.
thing is?
they are.
they really are.

they’ve been thru a whole lot.
and my gosh, what an attitude they’ve got.

i was way impressed this morning.
and as i walked around the corner back towards
my house, i thought ‘yeah, it’s not windy out.’
and smiled.

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January 4, 2016

curious

so in my new year fervor to better myself,
i made a commitment to work with visualizations
to do some inner healing.

in this morning’s visual,
something caught my interest and i’ve been
wondering about it.

i asked over on the bone sigh arts facebook page
for people’s thoughts as i wanted some good food
for thought. and i got some!

the question is –
why would i (anyone) hide my hurt from someone else?

in the visual, i saw how i couldn’t show my hurt
to someone who had hurt me deeply.

that’s not news to me.
i knew i couldn’t.
but i think it was the first time i ever wondered why.

protection came to mind at first.
seems like the obvious answer.

but it felt like there was more there that would
be helpful to sift thru.
but i didn’t know what.
so i thought i’d jump start the process and ask!

the very first response i got, helped right away
as she commented on the different angles of protection.
i hadn’t even thought much past the word.
let alone, what exactly was i protecting.
and if there was even more than one angle to it all.
and yes, my gosh, think there are many!

there were lots of answers that were helpful in making
me think, but probably the ones that hit home the most
were the ones that mentioned they didn’t feel their
hurt would matter to the other person.

ahhhh i hadn’t thought of that.
and that seemed to fit in nicely and seems to be
something to definitely sit and think about.

and then the one that will be so nice to pull out
after i do a whole lotta sifting, thinking and pondering –
that it’s a choice we make if we’re going to show it or not.
it’s a choice.

of course it is.
but how often do i forget that?

all of this feels like gold to sift thru.
and will be really interesting to take into some of these
visualizations i’ll be working with.

thought i’d share just in case anyone else had a little
journeying with this stuff to do…..

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December 31, 2015

the mundane moments that aren’t so mundane…

i was responding to a beautiful email i received
the other day. in it she thoughtfully mentioned my
uncle’s passing along with my dad’s. i wanted to
reply to that part and share something with her to
connect and let her know it mattered to me.

and so i told her of this odd and wonderful and
random or not so random moment i had this season.
i wasn’t outside much at all. it was pretty much
a mad inside scramble with runs to the car and back.

but there was a moment that i went out to the
recycling bin. i purposely keep it kinda outta the
way so you have to go out to it. so you actually
have to put your shoes on and go outside.

and as i was walking back from it, i looked up
and saw three turkey buzzards in the sky.
flying together right over my head.

in an instant i thought of my dad, my uncle and
my grandfather. turns out that my uncle and my
grampa died the same day 20 years apart. and then
my dad died just days later in between those years.
seems like one of those funky quirky things that
are cool to mention. and it was something that
kept me thinking of the three of them together.

and bam.
there above my head i immediately thought of them
flying together.

i laughed out loud as i watched because it was
turkey buzzards and i couldn’t pick a better bird
to represent all three of them!

and then i remembered my dad used to call me
baby buzzard. (no kidding) (i know. i know.)
so then i laughed even more.

and then i stood quietly and whispered
‘fly free, you guys, fly free.’

and in that moment i felt such healing.

i gotta say that i’m not really the bird woman.
or the bird symbolism woman.
i know a lotta people see birds when they’re
loved ones die and that kinda thing.
it’s really not my typical way of looking at
things. but there it was and it just popped
right on in.

and i think in all the years since my dad died,
that was the most healing moment i experienced.

i think maybe because for a moment i totally
let go of everything and truly wished them
freedom of flight.

i think this was the best moment of my entire
holiday season.

and when did it happen?
when i was walking back from the recycling bin.

so as i wrote this out in my email,
i realized i wanted to mix that thought into
my new year’s resolutions and plans –
the idea that the most mundane moments can
carry the strongest magic.

i like that idea.
that thought.
that opening into possibilities.

and so, when i try to untangle all my new
year’s ideas…..that one’s gonna be mixed
right into the thick of it all.

ahhhh so much to sit with.
so much to be grateful for.
including walking to and from the recycling bin.
and buzzards.

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December 30, 2015

grief

it’s isolation.
a god-forsaken from of isolation.
it doesn’t just surround her.
it becomes her.
takes her down.
under.
below.
buried.
brings her to a loneliness so vast
she begins to tremble.
unable to make it stop,
the internal shaking becomes part of her rhythm,
blocking out the sound of her heart.
not sure if she’s still alive,
or is part of some walking dead clan,
she keeps a facade in place.
(for them)
her mouth moves and says the required words.
(for them)
her lips turn upward when a smile is demanded.
(for them)
her throat closes back the throbbing
and the wailing.
(for them)
shuts those noises out from the world –
and keeps them echoing off her ribs.
ceaselessly vibrating
thru her emptiness.
she wonders how she will ever
find life again.
no one can really tell her how.
because no one really understands.
but she will.
somehow she will.
and it is in there,
in the coming back
thru hell – out of hell –
from underneath hell –
and in the finding of life again
and in living again –
it is there that some form of
miracle lies.

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December 29, 2015

xmas lites

we went out looking at xmas lites last nite.
just around the neighborhoods.
the places with big houses,
the places with small houses.
all around.

it was fun to look at the personalities
that come out in the decorating.

some of it really made me wonder.
did they plan that out or was that just
what the had in the box and they threw
it together? i really wondered about that
with one house.

then there’s the blinking lights that will
make you dizzy and go insane –
and the calm and peaceful lights that could
maybe use just a little zing.

i love it all.

i wondered why more people didn’t join in
and why some spots were so full of lights
and others just so dark with no one
participating.

i wondered what it would be like if everyone
decorated.
what would it be like to drive down the
street with house after house lit up?

maybe it’d be too much.
maybe it’d be an overload.

but what a wonderful overload it would be.

an overload of enthusiasm.
an overload of beauty and tacky all mixed together.
an overload of joy and peace and fun.

i was grateful for the lights we saw.
and i realized something –

i always put my outside lights up for me.
i do it because i love them.
i love seeing them from inside my house,
and i love pulling into my driveway and
seeing them.

but truly, next year i’m putting them up
with other people in mind. for the ones
driving around looking for light in the dark.
for the ones looking for that wonderful
sense of joy and peace that xmas lites give
off in the nite. for everyone in the car
who’s looking to go ‘look over there at that
one!’ and who soaks in the glory for a moment
as they drive by.

i want to give them a moment of glorious light.
i really really want to do that.

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December 28, 2015

the sky…perspective…and god…

finally finally finally i got out for a walk
this morning. finally finally finally i got
a moment with the sky. and i gotta say –
i have missed it so much.

it’s been days and days of festivities
and fun. and yeah, some not so fun but definitely
full. and everything in between.

but no sky.

i drove a few miles to the post office this morning.
and again, i drank in the sky.
on the way home i was wondering what it was
that i had missed so much.

i mean, i know i love the sky.
and i know i can get lost in it.
but really, terri, what ARE you soaking up today?

and i don’t really know.
i’m thinking tho it’s the perspective.
when i stand under the sky i know there’s a whole
vastness that’s so beyond me and life falls into
perspective.

when i stand in my living room or someone else’s
living room, i’m not sure i remember that.
definitely not as much if i do.

and i think it’s that perspective.
that feeling of vastness.
that feeling of mystery and beyondness
and the feeling that i don’t understand
and i don’t have to.

that gives me such a groundedness that i need.

otherwise i think i get too caught up in the world.
i get tricked and think i can understand things
and control things or something like that.

yeah.
maybe that’s it.
i go from trying to control my world in my
living room to surrendering my world when
i’m under the sky.

i think that’s it.

and apparently i really really need the
surrendering part.

and i think there’s some remembering that
while the sky is beyond me, it’s also inside
me. and i think i forget that as well when
i’m not under it.

gosh.
kinda cool.
i just paused and looked out my window.
it’s soft gray outside.
the sky is soft tones of gray.
whispering to me still.
thru my window.

and it feels so good.

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December 24, 2015

magic

i was cleaning.
and listening to christmas music.
i had on transiberian orchestra
and heard this phrase –

‘magic has been set free…’

it caught my attention.
and i loved the idea.

what if magic is all around us,
and it’s up to us to set it free?

it’s kinda a cool thought, isn’t it?

and definitely a cool one to try out
this christmas…

want to?

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December 23, 2015

here’s the big one…

here’s the insight i got as we were in the car
after hours and hours of driving and talking.
it was dark, we were getting close to our hotel,
and we were talkin’ from the heart…

it came about from the idea that most everyone
walking around deep down believes that if someone
they loved knew who they really were, that someone
would run the other way.

okay.
we’re gonna need names.
sammy deep down worries that if sally knew who sammy
really was, sally would run the other way.

all this time i woulda said ‘noooo sally wouldn’t run.
sally loves sammy.’

but as we drove, i turned to my son and said
‘what if it’s true, what if sally WOULD run away?
and what if everyone would run away?
what if that’s true??
but not for the reason we think it’s true!
but for this reason –
sally truly needs to do the work of understanding
that sammy is a completely different individual than
her and sally has to work to not only understand that,
but accept that.

THAT seems to be the real work in love.
and it sounds so obvious.
and one of those ‘of course.’ things.
but, to be honest, i’m not too sure how many people
even think about that part.
i honestly don’t think as many of us do this as
we’d like to believe.

when i was married, i sure didn’t.
i wanted my partner to be someone he wasn’t.
it never occurred to me to really really deeply
understand that isn’t love.

i’ve been kinda forced into that whole work because
my partner now is so different than i am.
if we were even going to stand any kinda chance
for staying together past a day, i had to face that
challenge.

and i honest to pete understand what a challenge
it really is. and how it isn’t something that you
one day ‘get.’ that it’s a life long journey that
is constantly changing on you. i think it’s the
hardest job i’ve ever faced.

so. it just so happens that i had someone in my life
run the other way from me and not accept who i really was.
i’m thinking maybe a lot of us have.
and all this time…and yeah….still……but this
insight has me workin’ on this…….
all this time i believed it’s cause i’m flawed.
cause something is wrong with me.

isn’t that the deal?
we’re afraid others will run because of our flaws.
never thinking that they run because they haven’t
done the work of understanding differences.

and depending upon who this person is who ran,
or who we’re worried about running,
this can be quite a wound to live with.

but what a game changer this thought is for me.

and, of course, the other person isn’t bad.
they may not even realize this work is theirs to do.
and if we’re carrying that it’s cause of our flaws,
we kinda cement the deal and they’re free to run
without ever realizing they missed something huge.

this whole insight might be old news to everyone else.
to me, it was huge.
i sat in the dark, in the passenger seat thinking
‘ohmygosh…..’
and have been thinking of this ever since…

seemed like a good one to share before family gatherings
this holiday.

definitely squeezin’ your hand on this one….
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December 22, 2015

where to start???

i was dreading that whole funeral trip
i had to take recently. i figured it was
gonna knock me for a loop for the rest of
the season and really be a challenge as it
would bring up so many memories and feelings.

turns out it was an incredibly healing trip.

there have been so many insights
and healing moments in a few short days…
or well….a few long days…
that it’s kinda overwhelming to even
know where to begin.

this one just popped into my head,
so this is the one i’ll grab today –

i was sitting at my uncle’s funeral
listening to the words, the beliefs and
the tone of the whole thing.

none of it seemed to match for me.
if these words were believed, it was
hard to come to terms with the weary
way of presenting them.

and from there, i was led to this deep
feeling of wanting to really live.
and wanting to really live REAL.

if that’s a weird way to say it,
maybe you’d say ‘authentic’ or
maybe you’d say ‘walk your talk’….

or maybe i’d say dance your dance with gusto.

i was filled with it.

there’s a lotta threads to this,
and some are other people’s personal threads,
so rather than spill their guts, you’ll just
have to run with this with me and assume a lotta
threads pulled together inside me to just make
a ZING thing happen and my whole being was
vibrating with this.

there i was zinging thru this weary funeral
thinking about really really living and really
really living what i believe.

i know someone who spent his life trying to come
to terms with his beliefs. as far as i know, it’s
cause he could never really believe them.
they weren’t his.
but he couldn’t untangle the strings that would set him
free to believe what was right for him.

i thought of him.
and thought of my own beliefs.
and thought, shoot if they change, they change,
but while i’ve got them, i want to really step into them.
i don’t want to live halfway.
and if i can’t believe something then i can’t believe something
and that’s okay.

i want to claim where i am, and keep striving to be more,
and yet dance in what i’ve got and who i am at this moment.

i felt the strongly at the funeral.
and i feel it strongly now.

this is it. ya know?
let’s live it real.

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December 15, 2015

life is strange. so is death.

well, i think it’s weird.
my uncle just passed.
that’s not so weird.
we all gotta go.
and he’s been lingering a looooong time.
so that’s not the weird part.
the weird part is the timing.

like i say, he’s been lingering a long time.
but he waited until this week.
this week also holds the anniversary of
the passing of both his dad and his
only brother, my dad.

all three of them.
the men in their family.
all passing within a week’s time of each other.
granted, different years.
but that kinda adds to the weirdness of it,
don’t you think?

i keep thinking about it.
cause it’s one of the millions of things that seems
weird and we notice it, then we forget about it
and just keep going.

but when you think about it –
there’s a lotta weird happenings all around us.

which i like.
because it keeps me wondering.

it’s going to be a hard funeral to attend.
it’s going to bring up a lot of sad memories.
i know there will be a lotta tears on my part.
and yet, i really feel like it reminds me of so much.
and helps me keep so much in perspective.
and this is definitely a good season for perspective.

i’ll be away from the blog the rest of the week.
hopefully when i return, i’ll have a little of
that perspective to share.

in the meantime, tell those you care about that you love them.
spread kindness wherever you can.
and honor yourself in every action that you make.

because it matters.
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