journal

musings and ponderings…

May 27, 2016

the other guy

i have worked a whole lotta years
tryin’ not to look at the other guy.
i’ve made mantras, used symbols,
and have had many talks with myself
to keep my eyes off the other guy
and just look at me.

this has really helped in owning
what was mine to fix in a relationship,
and what was mine to let go of as well.

i have said millions of times to different friends –
concentrate on your own stuff, keep your eyes
off of the other guys. focus on you.

right?
it works good.
has helped a lot.
encouraged a lot of my own inner work.
and has grown me a ton.

the last few days tho, i keep thinking about the complete opposite –
of puttin’ my eyes on the other guy. focusing there.

okay.
in a completely different way.
but still – quite a switch.

for when i’m lost, confused or just don’t know how to get
out of a place i’m in –
it occurred to me to focus on someone i love.
stare at them. see their eyes. hold on to their faces
and pull myself ahead by focusing there.
don’t look down.
don’t think about how muddled i am.
don’t stand in confusion.
focus on their faces, their love,
and pull myself forward.

i picture a rope tied around me stretching to them.
and i’m pulling on it as i walk up a steep something.
it’s a lifeline i can grab
when my other tendency is to just let myself drop
and lay in the dirt.

so far it’s working.
and i’m liking it.
so thought i’d share.

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May 26, 2016

the path with andy…

andy and i have an absolutely cosmic connection.
if i could find the darn post where i wrote the story
of our beginnings, i would. it’s just such an incredible
story. but someone around here talks too much
and there’s no figurin’ where that post is. just take my
word for it – there’s something cosmic goin’ on with
andy in my life.

and once again, he’s totally inspired me.

the other day i saw one of his photos on instagram.
it stopped me in my tracks.
it had a ‘sacred’ feeling to me and totally moved me.
i commented,
he commented,
i looked at his photo again,
moved all over again,
i went over to his fb page to write on his wall –
and i saw his fb cover photo –
a collage of three of his works.

wow.
i was speechless.
the depth and power and strength and mystery –
well…takes the breath away from me.

i have been watching his work for years now.
and i could see how his working so hard on his craft
has honed his skills.

and what it seems to have done, in my opinion,
is made it so that we can see more of who he is.

his getting better and better at what he does makes
who he is clearer and clearer.

how stunning is that?!

i took that thought out on my walk with me.
i wanted to put the thought to use –
what did i want to work with every day?
what did i want to get skilled at –
so skilled that who i was would come out more and more?

i grinned.
okay, maybe that’d be my inner work for me.
yeah, prolly so.

and i was filled with such inspiration.
we don’t even realize what all the work does for us.
we do whatever we do because of the passion and the drive –
but it’s letting us access who we really are in ways we don’t even know.
it’s seen by others in ways we don’t even realize.
and the importance of that, it seems to me, is that when our insides
are seen like that, we can all remember the divine inside us.

i saw andy’s divinity.
and i could hear mine whispering to me.
i could feel the longing to connect to it.

wow.
all from a photo he took on his phone.
well, that and years and years of work behind him
and years and years of striving ahead of him,
and that divine spark inside of him.

it is with great respect, i share andy’s website here.
thanks, mister for the way you keep touching my life!

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May 25, 2016

hard stuff…

last week, a friend of mine
gave me the most amazing nudge.
it took my breath away
and brought tears to my eyes.
and well,
caused a  lotta tears to run down my cheeks too.

she suggested that i work with some
of the hardest stuff for me, and see it as a gift.

a gift?

see, i knew i had to work with my hardest stuff.
i knew that part.
and i had been.

but i thought it was more to ‘be at peace’ with it.
you know – make peace and move on.

and i woulda said i had done a lotta that,
and i wanted to move on.

she suggested there was more.
that it was more than that.
that i needed to see it as the GIFT that it was/is.

seriously?
a GIFT??
seriously?

well, okay, you know what?
i had already said it was a gift.
i had already in my head thought that.

but um….obviously it was only a little bit in my head.
cause – seriously?! a GIFT?!
apparently it fell outta my head cause i wasn’t so sure anymore.

so i started.
i tried.
and wow oh wow oh wow oh wow did i meet with
resistance on the inside of me.

strong immediate resistance.

and so i went inside and checked that out.
and wow.
there’s quite a lotta work to do here.

there’s something about bone sighs.
always has been –
that i can write about stuff even if i haven’t gotten there yet.
like they kinda lead me in the right direction.
like they’re little guide posts and encouragers saying ‘you can get here,
you can do this.’

this one came out this morning and made me smile.
and so……i’ll keep looking for the little place to slip my finger and begin.

i’m thinking this is gold.

(p.s. to my friend who started this – from the bottom of my heart –
thank you..for the gold of this. for the gold of you.)

 

under the hurt

May 24, 2016

reflections

i sat in the sun
at the back of my yard
looking towards my house.

the porch.
the kitchen window.
the coziness.

i love this place.

so many years here.
so many memories.

i can still picture so many of them.
can see the ball throwing,
and the feet running.
the swings goin’ up and down,
and the go-carts roarin’ away.

hear the squeals and the shouts.

all quiet so many years later.
just the breeze talkin’ to me.

whispering…

while the trees keep growing.
and the shadows keep playing in the light.
time keeps passing.
and the ghosts keep dancing in the yard.
and in my head.

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May 23, 2016

kinda like leaky coffee cups…

i had this weird thought this weekend.
but i liked it and i keep thinking about it,
so i wanted to share.

ready?

what if we’re kinda like leaky coffee cups?

like who we are is the coffee.
or tea.
or whatever warm beverage you like.

and you know how those little wisps of smoke
come up when it’s nice and hot? and how the
steam just goes on out to the world?

what if that’s what we’re like?
only leakier.

so if we’re the coffee,
our energy/mood/stuff is the steam.
and we shoot that out all around us without even knowing it.
even more than just the steam at the top of the cup.
picture the steam coming out all over the cup.

i think that might be kinda like what we do.

and so our moods and our outlooks and our big stuff
that’s inside us just keeps steaming out.

and when someone gets near, they touch the steam.
they’re right there picking up on all that.

right?
not really a new concept, no.
but certainly a new visual for me.
and one i keep picturing now.
everyone i look at (including me) has turned into
mugs of warm beverages!

definitely something that has me thinking.

i’m thinking there’s some mugs i just wanna stay away from.
and some i’d like to be with more.

grinnin’ and enjoyin’ this visual……

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May 20, 2016

oh ho ho ho ho!

i was sitting in a waiting room.
waiting.
quietly.

i had been writing a bit.
but it wasn’t workin’ real good.
think the blare of the tv kinda gets in the way.

so i finally pulled out one of the books i brought.

i’m re-lookin’ at ‘conversations with god’
by neale donald walsh.

read it a million years ago.
liked it.
just gave it to a young woman to read.
thought maybe i should re-look at it.

skimming thru,
nodding,
remembering.
flippin’ the pages along.

until.

until.

UNTIL.

i hit this –

“What Enlightenment asks you to do is to know something
you have not experienced and thus experience it. Knowing
opens the door to experience – and you imagine it is the other
way around. ”

KNOWING OPENS THE DOOR TO EXPERIENCE.

woe.
did i say i was sitting there quietly?

i heard myself say out loud ‘oh wow!’

and then i put my hand over my mouth.
and smiled underneath.
and then leaned way back in my chair
and read it again.

i have been thinking about ‘knowing’ all week.
i was just watching myself step into knowing without understanding how it all worked.

knowing has been on my mind.

and now this?

every feel like the universe was eggin’ you on???

had to share!

the knowing

 

 

May 19, 2016

the sweet spot of vastness…

i got to thinking about the answer to whatever
it is i’m looking for. the one i can’t put into words,
but have lots of feeling about.

all i know for sure is that what i’m looking for
is not outside of me.
whatever it is – is within.

somehow i know that.
but i don’t know anything else about it.

i’m not sure i can know more yet.
even tho i’m getting some great insights from all
around me – there’s still something i’m looking for.
and i’m thinking i might have to travel further.
deeper.

which actually has me rarin’ to go to explore even more.

i think that maybe it’s something that just takes time to find.
but not like finding a gold nugget in a stream.
not that kinda finding.

maybe it’s like being in the ocean –
when you swim into a warm current and it covers you.
that feeling you get of landing into a sweet spot.
a sweet spot of vastness.

maybe that’s what understanding life is like.
and just like that swim, before long, you propel yourself
right back into the cold waters again,
and you know you touched something great,
yet it’s elusive –
you can’t see it.
but you know it’s right there next to you somewhere –
in all the vastness…

i wonder if that might be how finding answers works…

 

vastness‘bowing down,
she acknowledged the vastness,
looking up,
she stepped inside it.’

May 18, 2016

and the answers just keep coming…

i don’t remember this ever happening before.
and it’s so darn cool.
i feel like i’m getting a gazillion different answers
to my ponderings.
like i put it out there and it’s just raining answers
on me now!

and the funny part is that there isn’t a specific question.
i want to say that it’s ‘what’s it all about?’
but that’s not quite right.
so then i say ‘what are we here for?’
and that’s not quite right.
so then i stumble and try ‘what are we doin’ with our lives?’

and then i don’t feel anything is right and i give up.

but somewhere inside me, i FEEL whatever the question is.
i can feel it.
i just can’t ask it.

and maybe in my not asking it, but sorta asking it –
in my trying, but stumbling –
maybe somewhere in there,
i opened a space up where all kindsa answers could tumble into.

cause i certainly feel like it’s raining answers.

yesterday, my girlfriend gave me a long, gorgeous
mark nepo quote in my birthday card.

i’ve been sitting here reading this,
trying to decide if i should type it all out,
or just a part. and if a part –
which darn part?!
when it occurred to me……
i bet i can just find it on the net and link it!

ha!
sometimes the ol’ brain actually works.
so yes, here it is….
check this out for yet another beautiful answer
falling around me.

mark nepo’s ‘a dream we’re close to living.’

loving all these beautiful thoughts comin’ my way.

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May 17, 2016

even the woods were mine…

in honor of my birthday,
i got to go visit one of my favorite places.
i described it recently as the place fairies
must go for their conventions.

it’s a green, mystical magical woodland
filled with flowing water and waterfalls.
if i was a fairy, i’d never leave there.

i have loved that place from the moment i saw it.
but this time, i think i was just overwhelmed
with the idea that you can walk for hours in this beauty,
and it just never stops being gorgeous.

i just couldn’t get over that.
how often do you come across that?
maybe you can – but you’d have to make your own path.
this one delightfully had a path waiting for us.

it really struck me what a gift that really is.

at one point, i heard a sound.
i’m sure it was something like the wind blowing thru
a hollow tree just right or something like that –
i have no idea what the scientific reason for it was.
all i know is i heard what sounded to me like the
voice of this magical place.

i heard it.
i stopped.
listened.
and was filled with it.

no one else heard it.
when i asked if anyone did,
all the joking started, of course.
i laughed and joked along with them.

but in my heart – i felt like i got such a gift.
like even the woods were mine that day.
even the woods were wishing me a happy birthday.
like the entire day, the entire planet were mine.

the feeling flowed into the next day for me.
my actual birthday.
the sun, the breeze, the coolness –
they were all there for me.
celebrating with me.

and that if i stop and listen –
i can hear the earth singing.

THAT turned out to be quite the gift.
and i realize – it’s here for me every single day.

seems the more i think about the question of what
it’s all about – what we’re doin here – what’s life for –
all that stuff –
the more i think about that,
the more answers i get.
one of them being – to see the gift that’s wrapped around us every day.

to see the gift.
to honor the gift.

water