journal

musings and ponderings…

June 4, 2019

when you think it’s one thing, but maybe it’s another…

i was walking.
and i had a thought.

and i was sure it was an insight.
and i was tickled.
and then i saw this little red heart
right there in the path.
i stopped and smiled.
and was even more tickled.
the timing.
it was perfect.

and maybe more important than the insight
that i thought i had bumped into,
was this little piece of love.
this moment of magic.
and the way we bumped into each other.

and i’m thinking my seeing the magic
mattered more than any insight ever could.

and maybe what saves us isn’t what we think it is,
maybe what saves us is our ability to see magic.

June 3, 2019

strange starts…

it was a strange start of a day today.

didn’t sleep good.
getting up was difficult.
and then…
my peaceful walk turned into this weird
panic time where i thought about dying.

okay.

i think i finally figured out what it was all about.

and it sounds so strange.
wasn’t sure i should even put this out here.
but, what the heck.
it is what it is.

i think that the inner child part of me got jolted.
really jolted.

and i didn’t realize.
i knew *i* was jolted.
but didn’t know that part –
my inner child part –
was jolted too
and maybe needed some specific tending.

isn’t that such an odd concept?!
and then at the same time, it’s so not, is it?

i should know by now.
and i should hear it by now when i hear certain words
come out in my vocabulary.
that always seems to be a sign that there’s
an inner child part of me around.

and so i finally figured that out.
and have been tending to that since.
i feel much better,
and definitely calmer.

i wonder if one day i’m gonna get this down,
where if i’m totally off, maybe there’s a part of me
that is wavin’ me down and tryin’ to get my attention.

i love that.
it’s actually kind of beautiful.

go figure.

May 30, 2019

balance, balance, balance, balance….and more balance.

balance has been on my brain lately.
a lot.
can we say that my thinking of balance
has been a bit unbalanced?!

i’ve been thinking about how there is either
a balance or unbalance in every part of our lives.
and how much of a difference it makes when the
balance is what’s goin’ on.

it just feels healthier all the way around.

and i’ve been noticing when i feel unbalanced –
making a point to take a few moments to figure
out what’s up, and see if i can balance myself out again.

it’s been pretty nifty.
i’ve been pulling it off better than i thought i would.

this morning i got a chance to spend some time alone
and just notice some teetering that was starting to happen.
a little unbalance was creeping in.
it was cool to have the chance to just sit and notice the process.
it’s a typical one for me –
unbalance will creep in little bits at a time.
until i topple.
i’m just in the ‘creeping in’ stage right now.
no toppling.
yet.
so i wrote.
and wrote.
and wrote.

that helps me sort.

and what came out really excited me!

i realized that for me (for anyone? i don’t know?)
every bit of balance comes from the center of my heart,
and goes out from there.

bam.

every bit of balance comes from the center of my heart.

what does that even mean?!
it means my heart is key to me.
and that standing center in it makes all the difference to me.

the moment i start hiding,
or doubting,
or feeding myself false thoughts,
or whatever takes me from my center,
i start to get unbalanced.

i am really excited about this.
it ties in beautifully with being balanced feeling healthy to me –
it’s the being centered in my heart!
THAT is when i’m my healthiest!

ha!
balance anyone?!


May 29, 2019

self responsibility

self responsibility is big on my mind lately.

i am already aware that each choice we make matters.
and i pretty much pay attention.

but recently, i got a view of something i really didn’t like.
it wasn’t in me….cause you know how it is,
it’s SOOOO much easier to see in someone else…
it was in a public figure.
but, i tell ya, it inspired me to get my act together.
to work harder at paying attention.

every thing we do,
every thought we think,
every choice we make,
every word we say,
makes a difference.

i want to step into this way deeper.

i made this meme this morning.
will be making these to remind myself as i explore.


May 28, 2019

another single sentence…

i promise i will try not to do this constantly.
but this sentence went on my fridge this weekend.
and i just opened the book to read a little more,
saw the sentence again,
and thought ‘i just gotta share this.’

this is from ‘conversations with god’ by neale donald walsch.

and i love it –

‘There is only one reason to do anything:
as a statement to the universe of Who You Are.’

bam.

May 24, 2019

holiday weekend…

i can feel the holiday weekend
all around me.

i don’t know how that happens.
but it happens every time.

i ended up in two grocery stores this morning.
and both were bustling.
i smiled at the stacks of hamburger and
hot dog roles piled high.
people seemed in good moods.
heard lotsa chatting and laughter.

doesn’t seem to matter what the holiday is,
seems there gets to be a definite buzz in the air.
work quiets down.
goofing gears up.

and this time around, it feels like people are
celebrating the sun and the ability to be out in it all.
enough of those winter holidays!
we got picnics this time!

i never quite know how to celebrate memorial day.
today tho, as i kinda felt the change in the air,
it occurred to me –
celebrate it by living it.
live it.
enjoy it.
and feel that sun.
we’re here.
and people gave a whole lot for us to have this.


May 23, 2019

let it be.

letting go of this whole
control freak stuff is hard.

especially when you know something is wrong.

snort.
i just laughed.
and rolled my eyes.

i don’t REALLY know it’s wrong.
(the thing i’m thinking of)
it just FEELS so very wrong to me.

thing is –
it’s not mine.

and i think that’s gonna be my mantra today
and maybe a lotta moments in a lotta days.

it’s not mine.

and there’s no way i know what is right for anyone else.

so i turn again to me.
and ask myself what is right for me.
letting the other be is definitely part of that answer.
absolutely don’t beat my heart against the wall by
wanting others to do what i want them to do.
but honor my heart in my own quiet way for me.
and let it all just be.

i love the word ‘honor.’
i love that word.
that idea.
what’s the best way to honor someone?
what’s the best way to honor yourself?
what’s the best way to honor the journey?

oh gosh…
that brings to mind one of my favorite bone sighs.
the one i have for grieving.
and! it’s called – which i am loving right now –
‘honoring you.’

“weeping and aching, 
i longed to honor your passing.
i longed to honor your life.
searching everywhere, 
i found only one answer.
honor myself.
become all that i am.
and carry you inside that beauty. ”


this concept doesn’t just have to be for when we lose someone.
honoring ourselves and being the best we can and carrying
others inside that beauty – well, that certainly seems a great idea
to do for all of us. those here. and those no longer here.

to become all that i am – and to carry you inside that beauty…

and to let the other be.

yes.


May 22, 2019

one sentence.

i’ve decided to reread the book,
‘conversations with god’ by
neal donald walsch.
slowly.
just a couple pages a day.

there’s so much to sit with in that book.
and i’m thrilled to be re-discovering it.

today there’s just this one sentence
that i’m going to go spend some time with.
thought i’d share it here –

‘the deepest secret is that life is not a process of
discovery, but a process of creation.’


okay, so i’ll add the next two sentences for you –

‘you are not discovering yourself, but creating yourself anew.
seek, therefore, not to find out Who You Are, seek to determine
Who You Want to Be.’

i am absolutely taken with this today.
and i’m off to go hang out with the thought for a bit.
come join me!