i went outside early this morning. and stayed there for as along as my body could take it.
i’m in for a break now. hoping to get my second wind and head out again soon.
i hit a point where i just couldn’t take the world anymore. or um…… people. maybe that’s a more accurate way of saying it.
i didn’t realize til i was well into some digging how angry i was. so the digging felt really good. and as i dug that shovel in over and over, i realized that i wanted people to be more than they are. and that’s not only not fair. it’s totally unhelpful. it won’t do any of us any good.
so i am working on changing my focus. turning my eyes to those people who inspire me. those people who remind me of how i want to live. not staring at the ones who make me crazy!
i figure that’s a good way to shift focus. but then, i know, i want to shift it another time after that – because always, always, always, unless i’m looking at my own self and working on who i want to be, i fall into a pit.
so these are my goals for the rest of the afternoon. well, these, and getting enough energy to head back out there and be out with the plants yet again.
this is the bone sigh arts quote of the day today.
it’s from one of our prints – one of my favorites.
a few days ago i had what coulda been – what woulda been in the past – a fist moment.
i could feel all those rotten voices rising inside. and while i wasn’t sure i had the strength to make them disappear, i focused really hard on speaking positive truth over and over so loud and fast, that they didn’t have a chance to get much ground.
and then, because i’m incredibly blessed, my partner hopped in and helped me turn it all around.
it was really really helpful to have a partner in that situation.
if you don’t have someone, and you’re having fist moments – don’t despair! i have done it many times on my own, and you can too! it’s just nice to lean when you can. but you don’t have to!
i think it really really matters to pay attention and not let these moments win.
and i know, it takes tremendous effort sometimes. but you got the muscle in you. just keep at it. we get stronger and stronger as we go along.
i have no idea if they ever totally go away. but i do know i have very few these days. but when i do, ooooh….i really do. grinnin’ at ya.
i honestly believe we are so darn powerful. and i honestly believe we live lifetimes before we even realize that we have much of any power.
then when we figure out we’ve got it, it’s been so long – we’re not only unsure of what to do with it – i think way way down deep, we’re even unsure if we want it. let alone if we want to USE it!
tho, of course, we would say we do.
for me, the digging in and finding it – the very muscle it takes to get TO that power – well, it can be daunting.
not when times are easy. oh then it’s as easy as the times are.
but as things get harder, it takes more and more muscle to find that power.
so yeah, there’s gotta be one of those really cool life ratios goin’ on there. ‘direct proportions’ and all that stuff.
sometimes i don’t like it. and sometimes i really do.
those times when it’s hard, and you’re about ready to just cave in and figure you might as well just give up on whatever it is –
and then… when you least expect it, you remember your power. and you not only remember it, you know you can reach it. you know you can reach it and actually wield it. and you know that by doing that, you can make differences that you want to make.
THOSE are the moments of gold.
and you don’t get those without the moments of despair.
how totally funky crazy is this life that we’re living?!
i’m thinking it’s too easy to forget that the hard makes the good that much gooder. yep, i just said gooder. but it does tho, doesn’t it?!
an easy life isn’t a gift. it’s the ability to make music even through the hard stuff – or maybe WITH the hard stuff –
that’s the gift.
and we can only do that by accessing our inner power.
“to allow the sorrow and weight of life and yet to dance with an easy and open heart. to ache in your darkest depths and yet to laugh from your light filled center. to know the reality of humanity and yet to believe in the magic of the stars. to act with love in the middle of the fear and to hold each moment as the gift that it is. this is the challenge of living.”
i actually heard myself think this recently – ‘that level of deception is just a bit too much.’
i heard that in my head. and caught it.
‘seriously terri?!’ ‘then exactly what level of deception IS okay?’
i don’t even know how to explain. if i say ‘my tolerance for deception is so low these days.’ – well, what the heck does that mean??? was it high before?
and you know what – a long long long time ago, it was definitely more accepted in my life. it was part of living smoothly.
i grew up that way. if it makes it easier for other people, well then, a little white lie, a lotta omission, making everything pretty, all that was okay. cause well, it’s better for everyone.
seriously?! yep.
thankfully, i found my way outta that. and realize i’m not here to make everyone more comfortable with who i am.
i can try to make people more comfortable in a lotta ways, if i want to. but not at my own personal expense any more.
doesn’t mean i go try to be blatantly honest in some sorta hurtful fashion. of course not. and yes, i have seen people be very hurtful and then just claim honesty as the reason. that’s garbage. and not what i’m talking about.
i’m talking about hiding who you are, accepting behavior from others that is not healthy, not saying what you need because smooth is better than honest.
that stuff.
i had worked pretty hard on getting that in my life. i feel good about my immediate relationships and honesty.
but ol’ jordan peterson brought it all to a different level for me. he talks about telling the truth, and backs it up with the incredible critical thinking that i have come to love in him so much.
so to really do this – to really live this – you gotta figure out if what you’re gonna say or do is truly what you believe. is it truly what you think? and when i slow down enough to really do that, i love what it does for me.
so, recently, when i had this thought about a certain level of deception being too much for me… i had to stop and really think – what is it i am willing to accept in this situation? and what is it i want in this situation? is it the same in all situations?
and the answers to these questions have me doing something completely different than i woulda done last year before jordan got in my head and stayed there.
cause that ol’ training of making life smooth for everyone – that’s a natural go to for me. but now…. asking myself to think thru things is becoming just as natural. which is so darn cool.
and now – the other person has just as much responsibility as i do in the relationship. i see so clearly that i can’t make things healthy all on my own.
and healthy is my goal. not pretty.
all i can do is say this is what i can do. this is what i need back.
wow. september has arrived in the most beautiful fashion.
we’ve had a lotta rain, and a lotta lotta lotta humidity. and whatever else is mixed into it all – it seems to be the perfect combination to have birthed a beautiful month.
i took the long way, the back way, to the grocery store down the road today. i wanted the scenery.
my gosh, it only egged me on for more. there WILL be many drives and hikes, as it’s just too darn beautiful to miss!
as i drove, i could feel this wonderful, unexpected sense of relief kinda just washing over me.
it has been oppressively humid, and at first i thought maybe that was just it – just relief that it was so beautiful today.
but i think it’s more.
the changes all around outside, felt like such wonderful reminders that change itself can be a wonderful thing!
something i often forget.
and that when things seem heavy and when it seems hard to breathe, there is indeed, always an end to that, and changes do happen.
it has been quite a year. for all of us. and for me, the really wonderful parts have been a lot of outdoor time. garden stuff. and i know that’s coming to a close.
but i’m making plans for things i want to do outside when i can, thru the colder months. and i’m looking forward to what that all brings.
usually i want to slow everything down, or speed everything up, end something, start something, i fight time. i’m afraid there’s not enough time.
any and all of that.
but today – this beautiful september day, i’m just here, content with where here is right now, and okay with traveling along with it as it moves on down the road.
no need to control, grasp, hold, change, or any of that.
today is telling me so clearly to just trust and be.
had a great conversation with my sons. about – discipline! what a cool thing to talk to your ‘kids’ about!
they lead me in discipline all the time. which is so totally awesome, ya know?
to see these men constantly striving to make their lives what they want them to be – and taking the responsibility upon themselves to do just that. well – always, always they inspire me.
something one of them said caught my attention. they were saying that they thought ‘seeing the whole picture’ might be a big part of it all.
how that if you’re working towards big life kinda goals, then you’re seeing the whole picture and you understand how the discipline fits in, and it’s not just an inconvenient thing you gotta do. not at all. it becomes an integral part of the process. it becomes a real positive.
for some reason, that really landed when i heard it. ‘planning’ fit right in there nicely as did ‘creating your life’ rather than ‘letting life happen to you.’
obviously life is gonna happen to you no matter what. and obviously you can plan for unhealthy reasons.
not talking about that. only thinking about all this on the healthy levels of it all. and on the controls that you actually do have some say in.
people made a lot more sense to me with this in mind as well. the ones i see who do this, the ones i see who don’t. i wonder if that thought makes a difference to anyone else? thought i’d pop it here in case it does.
seeing the whole picture – where you want to go, who you want to be, what you want around you – not just today, but as you go along – are we keeping that in mind?
i feel like between yesterday and today, i am reinspired with all of this. which is such a good feeling to take into a holiday weekend!
my focus had changed. and not in a good way either.
i could tell because i was feeling out of control.
well, then, terri, why don’t you turn to what you can control?! YOU.
me.
oh yeah, me.
‘clean your room, terri.’ ‘get your house in order.’ that kinda thing.
which all brought jordan peterson to mind. this is the stuff of his offerings. if you haven’t read his ’12 rules for life, an antidote to chaos,’ i highly highly highly recommend it. i believe it’s my all time favorite book.
he has a definite tone. it’s not the gentle, poetic writing of mark nepo, for sure! so don’t go in expecting that! i know it helped that i had heard many of his lectures first. i could actually hear his voice through the whole book. he makes me laugh – he’s about intense as they get! and i love that.
so i grabbed his book. i was kinda looking for one particular thing – and i never found it.
instead, i found a ton of other gems i needed.
the very ending of the book is one of the best endings i have ever read.
he tells the story of acquiring a ‘pen of light’ – it’s a pen with a light on it so you can write in the dark. he sees a friend with one and ends up asking for it! he loves the symbolism of a pen of light. and asks really huge cosmic questions with it and gets immediate responses that he writes back!
i can just feel the zippy energy running through that part of the book. i love the questions and the answers.
he reminded me to not only grab my self responsibility back, but to also look up and keep my eyes focused on goals that truly matter to my soul.
feelin’ a little outta control? well, i would remind you of what jordan just did for me – all you can control is yourself. and that in itself is plenty of a job to keep you busy, and while you’re at it, keep your eyes on the things that add meaning to your life and who you want to be.
do that and life changes.
apparently i’m gonna have to do this over and over and over again. but that’s okay. cause each time feels pretty darn exciting.
it feels like a full moon day should today. it’s oddly gentle and quiet outside. for some reason, that feels perfect. i kinda feel the same way. and i love that my feelings match the day and that it all brings us to the full moon tonight.
there is beauty all around us. i’m celebrating that today!
