journal

musings and ponderings…

July 6, 2018

new perspectives

i have this gorgeous tree
right outside my office window.
it’s got three big sections to it,
and at least two of them
are going to have to be taken down.

while i was out this weekend,
my guy took one of ’em down.
when i got up in the morning, it took – in all honesty –
less than 30 seconds for me to notice.

my heart sunk.
but i knew it had to happen.
it’s just….you know…
you get attached.
and it’s one i look at every day.

then this morning, as i sat here early,
i looked out and saw the sunlight
shining on another tree in the most beautiful way.
i would never have seen it as this other tree
blocked that view.
i sat there looking at it and smiling.

i have decided that it’s time for me to really look
at what i’m doing, where i’m going and what i want.
i have decided to devote some real good time here doing
some inner reflection. i am already seeing things i need
to let go and move on from.

i see things – just like that part of the tree –
that need to be removed from my life or my thoughts so that
i can be as healthy as i want.

and right there as i gazed at the sun hitting the other tree,
i knew that i had to be totally open to this and trust that
there is beauty that i’m clearing the way for.

i thought that was kinda darn cool.

July 5, 2018

listening time

funny,
all the thinking i’ve been doing about listening –
it’s all been about listening to others.
opening and hearing and paying attention to others.

well, i missed something kinda obvious in all that listening stuff –

it’s time i stopped and listened to the universe.
and to what it has to say to me thru my heart.

i’m outta practice.
i can do it a bit.
but not like i used to.
not like when i started bone sigh arts so long ago.
when i first set out on this journey of mine,
that’s all i did.
i followed where i was led.
i considered myself co-pilot and i navigated from that seat.

while i have gained so many things as the years have passed,
i have lost that.

almost.

not entirely.

i certainly pay attention.

but i don’t rely on it like i used to.
i don’t trust it and know it like i used to.

and it’s time to get that back.

so the plan is to make a lotta room for that right now.
to cut down what i ‘have’ to do to the absolute minimum
and take some terri time. terri and the universe time.

blogging will be part of it, i think.
feels good just typing this out and declaring it to the world.
we shall see…

that’s the deal tho.
i see something i need to find again.
so i’m off to seek and to listen.

it’s incredibly beautiful and completely scary.
which, yeah, sums up life pretty good,
don’t ya think?

tucking you in my pocket as i travel…

July 2, 2018

the largest playing field of all…

recently, i got an up close look
at entitlement and righteousness.
i’m thinking those two must always
travel hand in hand? and what an
unattractive couple they make.
put them in somebody’s heart,
and what an unattractive person you get.

and then, there was the person who couldn’t
see the incredible good in front of them.
i suspect because they felt that they themselves
were equally as good and this caused some sort
of blindness.

wow.

both of these things made me sad.
really sad.

but here’s the thing –
the idea about seeing ourselves as clearly as we can hasn’t left me.
i’m thinking it might never leave.
and i’m thinking it’s gonna change me and my life.

at first, to move my gaze off of these people and
the ugliness i saw and onto better,
i told myself there was so much goodness to look at,
look there.

and i did.

but later, after a little time had passed,
i asked myself to look for the moments where i have been
entitled and righteous. and where i have been blinded by my own
false sense of who i was.

oh.
yeah.
ahem.

i’ve done that.
ahem.
yeah, more than once.

and i really could see that we all do these things.
some, of course, more so and more often and just plain more
than others. but they didn’t matter anymore.
this looking at myself was what mattered.
all that mattered was me.
and how clearly i could see myself.
and if i could continue to work on and live who i wanted to be.

and i realized – inside myself is the largest playing ground of all.
that if i just concentrated on myself –
on growing me, seeing me, being me, living me, tweaking me,
understanding me, seeing me, seeing me, seeing me….
that i would never be done.

ever.

so why use my time on others who didn’t ask for it,
and certainly will only waste it.

if i need something to keep me busy,
or work my muscles,
i know where to find the best gym ever –
i don’t have to look any further than me.

that feels very right and it feels healthy.

June 29, 2018

uppin’ my game…

this might be a good thought
to take into the weekend –

a whole buncha things lately have pointed out to me
that i need to up my compassion game.

i’m sure we all agree that the world needs it now more than ever.
but i think i want to make it a mixture.
a mixture of compassion, respect and kindness.

in speaking with a friend the other day,
she told me how much a simple act of kindness meant to her –
(not from me, but from someone else)
i could see clearly how much it mattered.
and i think i noticed in a way that really made an impact.
it doesn’t take much – at all – to have an affect on someone.
positively or negatively.
and i think we forget that.

this kinda thing has been on my mind a lot lately,
but you know how it goes –
you get into your groove of offering the way that makes sense to you,
and you forget to look around at other ways that you might be missing.
at least i do.

and i feel like i’m inspired again to up my game.

the world needs us all to do that.
and we can all start with ourselves!
that’s kinda cool.

June 27, 2018

more and more…

recently i came to peace with something.
isn’t that best feeling ever?!
i love it when that happens.

i had been struggling.
and then there was an odd form of closure.
and i could feel the peace settle over me.
interestingly enough, it wasn’t a pretty closure.
it wasn’t the way i would have picked to write the story.
but it did what it did and that was okay.
and there was still peace there!
to me, that’s incredible. and beautiful.

as i sat out at my picnic table last nite,
thinking about it all,
i realized that mixed in it all is way of life that
i’m finding my way into.
i’m learning more and more about living my truth
with my own values and rules.

and inside that way of life,
there is an amazing sense of relief.

i’m thinking this might be what other women were
telling me about when they explained to me that
the years in our fifties brought really cool things.
i think this might be one of them.

now, it’s me, so we know – this isn’t a full time deal.
it’s more moments than anything.
but they’re happening!
in between those moments are all the others –
the guilt and self doubt and stuff like that.
but i gotta say, i’m really seeing more and more
the putting down of the guilt and the old ways
and the stepping into my own truths.

wow.

and in thinking about it, i see it’s no quick thing
that has happened here. i have been workin’ on just FINDING
my truth and my own set of values for well over 15 years now.
i mean, REALLY working on that.

i’m not sure i ever coulda guessed the relief it would bring
when i started to really live that stuff.

life can be so darn cool sometimes.