journal

musings and ponderings…

June 9, 2017

stepping deeper

‘ugly’ was my word yesterday.
i wasn’t being negative.
i was being honest.

i saw a lot of ugliness in the world.
in so so so many different shades.
some slight.
some fierce.
and i got to thinking about what makes ugly ugly.
it feels like those are the places that love
has been taken out of.

how do you put love BACK into those places??
those are  the places i shy away from
or turn away from with gusto.

how do you accept ugly?
find empathy?
and offer love?

and as i thought of this and wrote about it,
it occurs to me that how you would go about
working on this for the world,
would be the same way you’d go about working
on the spots inside of you that the love
was taken out of as well.
go figure.

and when i think of specific examples in the world
i am overwhelmed and it feels impossible.
which suddenly made the things that felt impossible
inside of me feel more doable.
so maybe that’s where i need to start.

……

it would take
wide as the sky empathy,
mixed with soul deep strength
and the sacred emptiness
 of letting go
to put love back
 to the places
it went missing –
both in her and the world.
how could she ever get there?
closing her eyes,
she stepped deeper
 into her heart.

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June 8, 2017

drop it

we send out a quote of the day every day.
you can sign up for it here, if you like.

today’s is called ‘drop it’ –
and it feels really important to me.

if you’re feelin’ alone and lost,
there’s a whole world of people out here
who understand the feeling,
who have been thru similar darkness
and who would like to be there to help.

you would be amazed at how alone you really aren’t!

i was trying to create a space on the bone sigh arts
face book page for people to come when they need to.
that’s hard to keep going as every day the posts change.
but that’s always a place you can come and ask for help,
privately or right there on the wall,
or just look for people who care.
they’re there.
you can find that here.

in the meantime, this bone sigh is for you.

drop it

“drop it.
turn your back
to it
leave it behind.
we need your
hands free.
we’ve got some
digging to do
to find your light
that you lost
along the way.
it’s still there.
even tho
you doubt it.
it’s still there.
and we’ll find it
together.
and when we do,
we’ll fall on our knees
in gratitude and joy,
we’ll laugh.
we’ll cry.
and then gently,
ever so gently,
we’ll take it back
out to the world.”

drop_it

 

 

June 7, 2017

sharing my amazing friend, tim…

i really am aware that the people in your life
who you care about and surround yourself with
truly matter. and that appreciating them
is really important.

and i know i’ve got gold all around me.

sometimes tho, their beauty and talent and heart
can just knock me over flat. and make my appreciation
for them just flood my whole being.

and that’s what tim did for me this morning
with this post he made on facebook.

he is one of my favorite all time writers.
and when he writes something like this for me –
well! i’m keeping it forever and i’m sharing it all over!

yesterday, i sent out an announcement
that i was getting married in the fall.
and in it, i asked anyone who might wonder
if they needed to give a gift, to purchase
or make some wind chimes for THEMSELVES,
to hang them around their home somewhere
and when they hear them, to think of me and bob
and love and trusting the journey.
that kinda thing.

i got a lot of lovely, supportive, warm and caring
responses. i felt so lucky.

and then tim topped it all off with the following –

….

“About those wind chimes…

I now find myself in the market for some wind chimes…
which, I guess, is no biggy because I practically live in lumber yards
and home improvement departments…
except, these wind chimes need to be special.
Cut pipe dangling from forty pound test isn’t going to cut it this time.
I want something better.
I may even need to depart from routine chime-hunting
because I really really WANT the ideal chimes…
which is different than “I need some chimes…”
and a bit strange for me. You have no idea how detached I can become
towards inanimate objects.
Things like… yes, even wind chimes… have no importance in my life
except for when they do.
They do now. They really really do. Now. Strange, huh?

I don’t know yet what they will look like. I won’t know that until I see them,
but I get the sense the chimes will sound vibrant, full of life,
and capable of blending their many different sounds together,
sounds somehow destined to discover a genuine harmony.
Together. And on my patio.
They could occasionally make strange and erratic sounds too, I suppose,
just to tickle my funny bone and make me wonder if even wind chimes
are subject to the effects of hyper-activity… or caffeine.

I’m thinking maybe an old school set of chimes…
like something I might find in an antique store or a flea market
would be great.
Something distinguished by its own existence that wreaks of longevity.
And of continuance… and of the perseverance that anything lasting in time
seems to have and that usually cradles a quiet authenticity
that probably comes with the time they persevered through.
For lack of a better term, lets call it “vintage wisdom.”
Vintage wisdom will look good on my patio.

A set of such chimes would remind me daily that they have survived one day after the next,
one decade after another by simply being chimes,
the best chimes they could be… and little else.
They would remain silent about yesterday’s breeze or tomorrow’s gail
since they cannot harmonize with either.
What they can do, what they will do each day, is feel the current breeze… then react accordingly…
and always with a new harmony at the ready for anyone within earshot to also enjoy.

These chimes, my friend, are gifts… and I thank you for them.

Now, go ”I do” Bob, and … uh, thanks again for the wedding gifts? Is that right… when you have me get me something… for your wedding?
I have no clue of the proper protocol here… but I’m running with it.”

….

that’s from Tim McCall –
wow, huh?!
tim, tim, tim….
thank you so very much!
here’s to wind chimes filled with magic and friends filled with heart!

 

June 6, 2017

such a reminder to me…

most of you know that bone sigh arts
was birthed outta the pain of a divorce
and my world exploding.
(and this is coming from the person who
asked for the divorce!)

it was one of the darkest times of my life.

it wasn’t long into my separation that i met
this guy of mine that i’ll be marrying soon.

at the point that i met him,
i really really didn’t want to meet anyone to be serious about.

i wanted time to gather myself together.
i wanted time to figure out if there really was such a thing as love.
there was just too much going on.

and yet, i found myself discovering a best friend who i was
growing closer and closer to.
we both had a lot to learn,
and we found teachers in each other.

we had our own sons to raise and were committed to finishing the job.
we kept the homes separate to do this.
there was a lotta life happening – along with some pretty intense losses.
we were pushed to grow constantly.
the years passed.
our boys grew into men.
and each of our households cleared out.

and then, to his credit,
he suggested that i needed time all on my own –
to live alone for the first time in my life.
he didn’t want me to ever regret not having that.
he understood the importance of this, and encouraged it.
agreeing, i lived just with myself for a couple of years.

i had no idea how much i would love it.
it felt so freeing.
for the first time ever i was really figuring out what it was
that *i* liked and what made me happy.
it was empowering and joyful.

and then we decided to live together.
here in my home.
i wasn’t ready to get married.
so we agreed to do the cohabitation thing.

i couldn’t forget the joy of living alone,
and i wasn’t sure about the whole thing.
i definitely wanted time before i committed to marrying.
and yeah, the trauma of the ending of my first marriage would haunt me
whenever the topic came up of giving it another whirl.
every time i got close to being ready,
something scared me away again.

there were days i wondered if i would ever get married again.
and there were days i knew i had to –
to spit in fear’s face and grab life.
yet i could never get to the bone-deep place of knowing.

until very recently.

i had been having a recurring dream for as long as i’ve been with bob.
which is now almost fifteen years!
fifteen years of a dream!
fifteen years of bob!

it involved my past and it wouldn’t let me go.
i was trying to juggle my past and fit it into my present –
when i really didn’t want to – when i felt bullied into it.
i would always wake up disturbed.

and then – one day –
i want to say ‘out of nowhere’ – but that’s totally not true.
it came because i was finally ready –
i had the finale to the dream!
my past let go of me!
i woke up crying with relief and joy.
and all that morning i felt the shift inside of me,
with tears that wouldn’t stop leaking out of my eyes all day.

that nite i was ready.
i was ready to get married.

and it’s only felt deeper and stronger and more joyful inside me every
single day since then.
(well, one panic day soon after, and THEN nothing but good!)

i share all this because underneath every single bit of this story there was a growing and
a learning to trust,
there was discovering of myself,
and figuring out what love was.
the inner work and healing that it takes to offer love astounds me.
i honestly don’t think we really understand love at all.
and no, i don’t even think i’m half way done.
i think i have a long long long long way to go to really learn how to love.
but i made it to this point.
and i wasn’t sure i ever would.

so many times i wondered if i was up for the task.
i wondered if something was wrong with me.
i wondered if i would ever know that i was enough.
i wondered if i’d ever fully step into a new life.

and THAT is why i’m offering this blog.
for anyone else in that spot.
no matter what the circumstances –
cause there are a million different ways to be in that same spot.

if i had only known that all the work would really pay off
in such a happy way.
and that, yes, the inner growth will always lead to more inner growth –
but that there are SUCH rewards along the way,
and that if i listen – really listen –
i’ll know when i’m ready for the next step.
i will know!
and i can trust that!

and if i had known a dream would be the key for me –
and open me to such happiness,
ohhhhh i think i woulda journeyed a little lighter, a little stronger.

so i offer this to you.
and to me.
because as i travel deeper, i want to travel a little lighter.
and a little stronger.

a little lighter.
a little stronger.

it’s just another way of saying ‘journeying with trust’ isn’t it?!

thank you for taking the time to read a bit of my story here.
maybe we can use it to step a little bit more firmly around the next bend.
here’s to the journey!
here’s to us!
and here’s to that guy of mine who hung in there for this whole darn thing,
believing in me every step of the way…

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June 2, 2017

tossin’ a thought into the playground…

i had a thought today that i wonder
if we can all play with…

it was on my walk.
it was so darn cool and gorgeous out.
and i thought about how i love it when it is cool in
the mornings  and evenings in the summer.

i remember the first time i ever really liked summer.
i was 19 spending the summer in a town in the mountains
of west virginia. no matter how hot it got during the day,
it always cooled down in the evenings.
i worked a lotta the time outside, and got wicked hot,
but always found myself in a sweatshirt outside that nite.

THAT was my kinda summer.

i thought of the heat.
and how when it doesn’t let up during the day or the nite –
that’s when it feels oppressive. (this is from a gal without
air conditioning.) when even the fans can’t cool you down at nite.

thing is, if you know it’s for a three day stretch or something
like that, you get thru it. you expect those in the summers
and it’s no big deal. you know they come and you know they go.

so i got to thinking about that.
what if we turn the idea of ‘heat’ into the idea of ‘pain’??

just replace ’em.

so –

if you experience some pain in your life but you know it’s gonna
let up that nite and the next morning.
it’ll be back. but there’s easing up periods.

well then, it’s easier to handle.
or if we know it’s not gonna ease up but it’s for a short period of time?
like that intense heat of the summer  –
what if it doesn’t cool down for three days and nites?
well, not fun – but doable.

and if we look at life like summer, we know there’s gonna be
hot/painful times and there’s gonna be stretches where it just hangs
in there.

as i thought about this, i realized i don’t look at pain like this.
i get sucked right into it and don’t think about when it’s gonna ease
up. i don’t think ‘okay, if i can just get thru this amount of time,
i’ll be okay.

so that right there felt helpful to me.
i want to start doin’ that.

but THEN i thought – what if it’s pain you know is gonna be around
for a long long long long long long time. with no foreseeable end?
what then?

i don’t know.
i honestly don’t  know.
i can’t speak for people who are in that kinda pain.
and i don’t have it right now.
so i wouldn’t be so arrogant as to say i know.

but i did think this –
if i practice now, with short term pains and start looking at it like
something i have to deal with and in so doing, work with the time frames
around it – maybe when the really deep long term stuff comes,
i can look at that too.

and if i ever find myself saying – ‘well, okay, this pain may very well
be here for ten years or more…’ maybe i’ll be able to see that i want to
move as fluidly as i can with it. because pain or not – it’s what i got.

just some food for thought as we head into our weekends…….

 

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June 1, 2017

talk about timing!

walking.
deep in thought.
trying to figure something out.
i wondered –
‘should i just trust and know?’

and at that very moment,
the exact same moment i wondered that,
i turned the corner,
looked up,
and gasped.

the most beautiful early morning sky
danced right there above me.
and it was filled with one thought –

‘YES!’
‘trust and  know.’

and then a softer –

‘trust and know, girl.’

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May 31, 2017

sharing

so i have read this quote about five times today.
i went looking for it and then sat with it.
then i went looking again.

then i recalled it and wanted to read it again.
and well, it’s hard to miss the interest here.
it is totally tugging on my sleeve today.

it’s quite a quote –

‘Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.’
– Rumi

so don’t go to the obvious.
go to the less obvious.
and think about it.

yeah.
yeah.
quite a quote, isn’t it?!

was thinking maybe there’s more than just me who needs it today.

smilin’ at you…

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May 30, 2017

a little bit and a little hope…

bit_hopecard

 

i saw the most beautiful post on instagram recently
from someone who was respecting their gifts.
and working hard to honor their talents.
i want to say i took that as one heck of a great reminder.
but i think it’s more honest to say i took it as one heck
of a great thought!

i’m not sure i ever really had it before?
or maybe at least from the angle i caught it in this time.

then this morning – i combined both a bit card
with a hope card. (and yeah, those words are linked so
you can see what they are if you don’t k now about them…)

and got this combination you see above.

wow.

okay – first of all – the ‘she didn’t just survive, she became’ quote
isn’t about me. i wrote it for someone else. but i think that when
we’re transitioning, a lot of us can relate to it.

i’m trying to figure out where i’m going and what i’m doing.
i’m working hard on listening and opening.
i feel like maybe i spent so long surviving, that i didn’t even
think about becoming.
and some of the becoming just happened.

now the becoming feels much more in the front of my mind.
and i so want to respect the journey that got me to this point
and the gifts i have found inside myself along the way.

so when these both showed up this morning together,
well, i loved it.

respect your gifts.
open to where they’ll take you.
and allow yourself to become.

this is what i felt was spoken to me this morning.
and i’m figurin’ that has to be a pretty much all of us message.
not just to me.
so thought i’d share.

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May 29, 2017

memorial day

remember when you were a kid
and memorial day was the opening of the pool?
or picnic day? or just about fun?

i don’t know at what point i started thinking about
what the day really was for. but once i did, it changed forever.

and now with a war that goes on and on and having friends
that are the moms of the vets and hearing their stories
and sharing their losses,
and having sons who are friends with vets, and hearing
their stories and watching their faces,
it’s hard to know how to hold the day.

PTSD and suicide are common threads that weave thru the
stories that i hear. suffering and overwhelm. and a lack of
knowing how to make things better for those suffering.

yes, i want to honor the courage and bravery and sacrifice.
and the best way i can think to do that is by honoring the
pain that travels hand in hand with those things.

honoring the pain, for me,  means talking about it,
looking at it, and trying hard to find ways to hold it and heal it.

as a country, i don’t think we’re doin’ that so well.
so, as individuals, maybe we can work a little harder with each other.
and listen a little closer.
and maybe we can offer some bravery and courageousness back to
these men and women by not turning the other way at the darker
places they find themselves in.

wishing us all some sense of peace on this memorial day.

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