journal

musings and ponderings…

April 5, 2017

remembering what’s mine and what’s not…

i honest to pete feel like a darn open book.
i mean let’s face it –
my entire emotions are all over the web
for anyone to read. my life is typed out
in daily blog….
i usually try to ignore the whole web/blog fact-
but i always feel like an open book no matter what.

and i totally figure if you meet me, you know what you get.

and yet…..once again….i was so completely misread
recently that i was totally taken aback.

it actually made me cranky.
couldn’t understand why people thought what they did.

and then i heard it –
the ‘couldn’t understand’ phrase.

one of my sons just recently told me that he’s kinda figured
out that when someone says ‘i can’t understand’ many many
times they’re really saying ‘i don’t want to try to understand.’

think about it.
that’s one heck of a good insight, isn’t it?!
(who raised those incredible young men?!)

so okay terri.
let’s see if you can understand.

so i thought about it.
and i realized –
this had NOTHING To do with me.
this had everything to do with the other person and their
view on life and their listening skills.

oh.

okay.

and yeah, i kinda knew that already.
that’s not a big surprise.

oh.

okay.

cranky suddenly turned to laughter.
i thought of what they were thinking about me,
and it made me laugh out loud.

oh.

okay.

everyone is gonna see what they wanna see.

and there just ain’t nothin’ i can do.
i learned that the hard way a long time ago.
i don’t want to repeat that lesson.
i got it!

i really really really really wanna see what’s there.
but not everyone does.
and that’s okay.
doesn’t matter.

i wanna be who i am and see what i can.
that’s it.

everyone else does what they do.
and sometimes that creates one heck of a skewed view
of who i am.

oh well.
not my deal.

ha!
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April 3, 2017

weeds

i keep watching.
and thinking.
i’m pretty sure we all have
both healthy and unhealthy
inner drives that are pushing us,
steering us, taking us for rides.

and we let them.
i would guess most times we’re not
even aware of them.

that part seems kinda crazy, doesn’t it?
the not aware of them part?

as i walked this morning i thought how cool
it would be if when we hit 20, or something like
that, we had intensive courses in figuring out
what inner demons needed to be tamed, and
what healthy parts needed to be nurtured.

how cool it would be if our society really valued
mental health and growing into a sound, healthy person.

but…not sure how’d you’d pull it off anyway.
and i guess that’s up to us.
so at 55, i’m watching closer and trying to find
my own drives. and they’re tricky things to figure out.

how is it we’re not all talking about it tho?
i really gotta wonder.
because if that was just regular conversation,
it would take the darkness out of it.
or maybe the shame out of it.

why should there be shame if you were abused as a kid
and then you had some unhealthy things inside of you
driving you?

shouldn’t that be just considered how it works?
and then you deal with it?

and it doesn’t have to be ‘extreme.’
wouldn’t it be cool if it was just assumed parents
are gonna mess up and there’s gonna be some things
planted inside you that need to be weeded out?
and then just as a matter of course, start weeding?

we could start looking at each other as gardens that
needed to be tended. and some gardens were drastically
burned to the ground. yeah. they were. and so they need
this here….and this here.
and some were infested with weeds. and for these weeds
we need this….and for these we need this….

i know you can never ever make humans that simple and easy,
but it seems to me, if we looked at it a little more normal
to be weedy maybe we could make more progress in freeing
ourselves from the weeds.

right now it feels like we put filters on and won’t acknowledge
the drives that push us…we won’t see any weeds. cause somehow
we think that’s easier?

maybe it’s just bein’ out in the yard lately that the weed image
is workin’ for me. but i can tell ya, there’s always always weeds.
and what kinda garden we want is up to us.

i just keep watching and thinking…

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March 31, 2017

i woulda missed it…

i wandered out on my walk this morning.
it was dark and spitting rain.
i didn’t expect to see my neighbors who also do
morning walks, as they go when it’s light out.
but there they were!
their silhouettes headin’ my way in the darkness.

i crossed the street to meet them, hugged them good morning
and turned to walk in their direction for a bit.

i like them.
they are what we’d call ‘salt of the earth.’
good good people who have been thru a lot of life’s
hardships and know what matters.

we walked to the end of the street and were standing
there talking before we were going to turn around when
john looked up at the sky and saw the color behind the
darkness.

‘Look there! See that!’ he pointed out.

and sure enough – behind the dark was a glow of red.

it was beautiful.
you could just hear it whispering – ‘see that? the sun
is still rising, even tho it’s raining on you today…’

i woulda missed it.
wouldn’t have even looked.

in my head it was dark out,
it was raining,
and there was no sun coming.
so why bother looking?

but john looked.

and he saw beauty.

another reason i like these people.
they go out and they look for the beauty around ’em.

and from their looking,
they teach me to see better.

i am really taken with that today.
what else are we just assuming so we’re not even bothering
to look for? will we at least be open to having it pointed out
to us if we’re not looking?

good questions to take into the weekend!

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March 30, 2017

alone time

yard work!
i have been doin’ yard work lately!
each year i forget how much i love it.
and each spring i am reminded what it is like
to dance with nature again.

while i would never ever trade the time i have
with my partner or my sons…
there is a magic in being alone out in the yard.
there’s a freedom there.

i’ve been over-trained in reading other people.
i know i’m not alone in that.
many of us struggle  with the balance of noticing
everyone’s reactions around us and trying to make
everyone happy and balancing our own needs.

i’ve gotten way better at it.
but still the over-training lingers.

i want to work on that.
i want to be as free and comfortable in the world of people
as i am in my yard.

i wonder if that’s possible?

i think it might be – but i also think it might be a ways away for me yet.

but how freeing it would be to let everyone have their own reactions
and let them be responsible for them.

hmmmm…this makes me think….
the trees and the plants in the yard have their own reactions.
some die, some thrive, some struggle with disease.
i do what i need to do to take care of what needs taking care of.
but there’s an understanding that it’s the cycles and i’m working with them.
it’s never all mine.

hmmmm…i wonder.
if i took that philosophy more into the world of people.
instead of holding everything that isn’t mine,
instead of taking things personally,
instead of all the draining things i do when people are involved –
if i just reacted more like i do with nature.

wow.
wouldn’t that be cool?
i wonder if that’s something i can play with….
it’s definitely something i’ll be thinking about puttering around my yard now.

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March 29, 2017

just too darn awesome!

i keep meaning to post this over here!
i swear, it’s pollen head week for me.
i cannot think straight!
but at last, i did remember!

i think the best thing would be to post
the link right here.

my buddy, christie, shared it on facebook,
and i snagged it and passed it around.
you may have seen it –
i’m thinking it needs to be kinda a regular
thing we watch over and over again!

check it out!
‘today i rise’

from The Flourish Initiative

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March 28, 2017

it’s the assuming that really really really gets ya….

basic thought.
have had it before –
will have it again.
but i swear –
it makes all the difference –

STOP ASSUMING about everyone and everything around you!!

that’s it.

i watched someone have an assumption about me.
i corrected it.
and i’m pretty sure they didn’t hear it.

how come?

cause the assumption was easier.

without the assumption, they would have to look at themselves as well.

is that one of the big reasons we assume??
it’s easier and keeps us reflecting more deeply about our own stuff???

i have no idea…..
but i’m thinking that might be in there.

and my gosh, that makes it doubly important to stop then, doesn’t it?!

i don’t care that they assumed.
i am not looking for them to see me.
so it didn’t matter to me.

what it did was alert me to the fact that we’re all doin’ ‘this.
and ‘all’ must include me.
and i really really really want to not.

so i’m writing this to me mostly.
but if you could use the reminder, grab it!

and i head back to the listening drawing board…

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March 24, 2017

thinking out loud

okay, bear with me?
part of the fun of this blog is to kinda
just explore out loud.
and today, that’s totally the plan.
feel free to post any thoughts you want to share.
i’m going to be doin’ some thinking and all thoughts are welcome!

so yesterday i posted the quote from simply topaz
(artofabeautifullife.com)
that said –
‘Live the story you want to tell.’

i fell in love with that and held it all day.
i had to keep going back and reading it again as i’d
forget exactly how it went.
kinda odd, huh? it’s s pretty short sentence.
i’ve noticed the really important stuff for me gets
blocked that way in my head. i have to fight something
inside me to keep it in my mind. (hmmm….)
and when that happens, i know it’s important.
so i wrote it down and put it in my pocket and carried
it and reread it and tucked it away and repeated that
over and over again.

so.
what is the story i want to tell???
hmmmm….
i just had no idea.
i knew some of the stuff i DIDN’T want….
but what was it i DID want?!

and as i headed in to brush my teeth last nite, it hit me.
i wonder if i’ve already written it?!
a bone sigh came to mind.
i ran over to my computer, got the quote up and printed
it out and took it in with me while i brushed my teeth.

it’s this one – written way way way back when i first started bone sighs.

a vow to my heart

“i will work on the act of listening to you
and my listening abilities will grow.
i will honor those things
you relay to me and act upon them.
when i act upon them,
i will know that i am living my truth
and owe no explanations to anyone.
i will believe in your ability to accept
all emotions and will not close down to
protect you.
i will direct my energies
and my power to a place that will
strengthen you, not deplete you.
i will follow you in the way i wish
the world would follow you.
the child of the universe
and the heart shall meld
and we shall dance as one.”

the part that stood out for me was ‘i will follow you in the
way i wish the world would follow you.’

i remember writing that. and i still hold that feeling.
it’s a really important part of that piece for me.
so i’ve been holding that.
i think that’s gotta be mixed in my story.

on my walk this morning something else hit me –
the last lines –

‘the child of the universe and the heart shall meld
and we shall dance as one.’

i remember writing that.
just feeling it.
not really understanding it.
just feeling it.
and feeling pretty sure no one would know what the heck i meant there.
but knowing it had to be included anyway.
it could not be taken out.
i felt really strongly about that at the time.

on my walk those lines came to me
and instantly my whole body reacted.
tears came and i could just feel this zing.

okay.
i’m only so thick headed.
that obviously  matters.

but what the heck does it mean?

i turned the corner and looked at the sunset.
it’s glorious.
and that beauty is part of all of us –
that’s the child of the universe part.
i don’t carry that with me.
that beauty.
i don’t carry any sense of that beauty inside of me.
like i’m not part of that. ya know?
it’s separate.
i’m not beautiful.
BUT if i believe i’m a child of the universe (in my head i do)
then i would carry that beauty. i would HAVE to.

(the whole child of the universe thing came to me years ago.
and as dopey hippy as it sounds, it was a really profound moment
for me and i feel like it was a ‘gift’ for me and it was true.
and yet…….i seem to have just put that on a shelf…)

okay……i walked and looked at all the beauty around me.
there was a look for every mood you can have. it’s there in nature.
every piece of nature can speak to every piece of me.
i was really trying to hold the child of the universe thing.
and it was feeling easy.

then the ‘heart’ part – for years now i’ve considered myself a ‘heart.’
not sure what that exactly means, but that’s my symbol for me –
i trust my heart. it’s really full of goodness and i know that.
and i just kinda feel like a walking heart.
but i don’t hold the beauty part right?
so as i was thinking all this,
i went to turn onto a sidewalk and i started to step over a piece of
rubber or something that was in the shape of a heart!
it was grungy and industrial and not nature at all –
it was separate, but not. it was there on my walk.
so it was part of it all….but no beauty.
it was a heart.
i couldn’t miss it. bam. right there.
i actually stopped and took a picture of it.
as i went back to walking, i thought –

that’s been you, terri.
separate, but not.
not holding the beauty.
you need to know your heart and to know your beauty both, terri.
you need to meld the child of the universe part with the heart.
the beauty, the glory, the magic, the love, the all.
and then you’ll really really dance.
you’ll really really dance.

and that…….THAT…….may be the story i want to tell.

still thinking about all this.
but wanted to put this out there.
are you thinking about your story?
are you getting anywhere?
i am finding this completely thrilling.
i really am.

gonna let this simmer over the weekend…
thanks for bearing with me.

oh! wanna see that heart i stepped over??? –

heart_blog

 

pretty awesome, huh?!

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March 23, 2017

how about this nugget?!

so, i got so excited about posting this find
on facebook, that i hollered about it, but forgot
to post it!! laughin’ here…..
that’s how i roll, baby!
BUT i DID remember after a bit and posted it.
and i want to post it here.

i’ve been a little lost with my direction lately –
and have found myself asking for some help.
i just figure this was meant specifically for me.
yep.
and of course, i figure i’ll share.
but i think this is my magic today –
and what i’ll be thinking about.

what story do you want to tell?

(be sure to check out her website.)

live the story