journal

musings and ponderings…

March 10, 2017

one heck of a story. one heck of a woman.

it was late.
i couldn’t sleep.
went out and sat in my living room.
an indoor star hanging by my window
warmed the darkness.

as it slowly changed colors,
i began to read a note –
a piece of a woman’s story.

it was so powerful that when i finished,
i just sat there on my couch,
silently.
me and my star.
holding her story.
and her spirit.

i’m not sure how private she wants to keep it all,
and since the point isn’t really about the details,
but more about her spirit, i can leave most of it out.

i do want to at least say that she survived a horrendous
car accident. 21 years ago.
her life completely changed that day.
the pain involved was beyond anything i can comprehend.
and to this day, she lives with chronic nerve, bone and muscle pain.
the losses that happened because of this are also more than
i can comprehend.

here’s the thing tho –
she’s so ready and eager and willing to share joy.
she’s right there to root you on and encourage you.
definitely there to play.
she knows the beauty each day brings and readily embraces it.
and…..
she sees the gift in it all.
in the accident, in the journey since then, and in the pain.

it was magnificent to me that i got to read this note
at the end of international women’s day.
here was a woman that lit up the darkness
by living her gift.
by knowing her gift.
by embracing her gift.

i don’t think i have ever used ‘gift’ in quite this way before.
i don’t think i’ve ever so boldly called someone’s horrendous
event in their life their gift before.

somehow…and i think i just am barely grasping this…
she’s showing me it IS her gift.

and it’s kinda haunting to me.
not too long ago someone told me that i had to embrace something
that was really hard for me and hold it as my gift.
i was just lost on how to do that.

and along comes this woman.
showing me.
and i gotta say, she has completely humbled me.
and inspired me.

there were so many thoughts in her note that made me think.
but this is the one that i’m holding today –

” I am one with all that is holy…”

i think that’s way easy to say.
way hard to know.
and live.
and yet she seems to do just that.

so much gets lost in a day like ‘international women’s day.’
we get hung up in causes and issues and words.
and we miss what matters.
it’s easy to lose the depth of the feminine.
this woman handed me what matters.
showed me some of the depths.
depths i hadn’t touched all day.
even tho i was celebrating women.
what a gift to have handed to me that nite.

and i just wanted to share a tiny bit of that with you.

we are one with all this is holy.

will we bold enough to embrace that as the gift that it is?

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March 9, 2017

goals day by day…

with the arrival of spring,
i can feel a winter gray slipping off of me.
the desire to be fully awake is flowin’ thru me now.

thing is, my energy isn’t QUITE there yet.
comes and goes.
i know it just needs a little encouragement from me,
and it’ll be steadily back.
i’m doin’ all i can physically.
mentally, tho, i haven’t been sure what to do.

so as i drove along the other day i tried to figure out
what it was that made me feel really alive.
what was it that got my energy zappin’ around.

and i realized it was when i felt like i was following
an inner purpose…when i was offering something
that mattered to me…when i was doing work of the
heart……those are all times i feel very alive.

right now, a few things are up in the air for me,
and i’m not sure what direction some things are going
to be goin in.  or what it is i REALLY want to offer.
i’m kinda sifting thru all that and sorting.
spring cleaning inside, i guess.
so where does that leave me?
sorting  and cleaning doesn’t get my energy zappin’.

and then it came to me –

well, terri, you can have a DAILY goal until you
figure out just where you’re at overall. how about
setting a different goal every day? that way you don’t
feel tied down to one thing you’re not sure of,
and it can help you keep your energy moving?

ha!

yeah!

i like that idea!

so i made little daily goal things that can stand on my desk.
i can write my goal on there along with a few other things.
and it can kinda gear up my intentions and keep me focused.
(if you get the weekly email, you’ll find a digital download in
there so you can do these too!)

i plan to have daily goals like –

follow my heart closely today.
find magic today.
offer love at every turn today.

things like that…..
i figure that’ll help get my energy zappin’…….
and may just end up helping with my inner sorting process
that i’m doing right now.

want to join me?
let’s do this!

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March 7, 2017

it’s up to us!

spunky energy generally fuels my life.
for over a month tho, it hasn’t.
i hurt my back and it really took a hunk
outta my lifestyle.
the energy is coming back tho…
just like the plants starting to come up.
i can feel it, see glimpses and the color radiating.
so i’m getting there. and i’m beginning to feel it again.

and perhaps that explains this feeling in me.
but honestly, i think it’s only partly it.
i think watching life –
and NON life –
around me is fueling the rest of it.

the feeling that it’s really really up to us!
what we do with our lives,
how we handle what comes up,
how well we live,
how we face our challenges,
and how we celebrate our joys –
that’s so darn up to us.

of course, right?
but how actively are we workin’ on that?!

are you participating with a full heart?
are you two feet in?
are you trying to grow and expand?

i think i’m going to write those three questions down
and put them right on my desk.

(wait a minute…i just stopped and wrote ’em down!)

we are capable of so much more than we do.
okay, maybe i should speak for myself –

*i* am capable of so much more than i do.

and, by golly, i wanna stretch and expand.

hmmmm….maybe i needed to hurt my back
so i literally COULDN’T stretch,
to make me realize how much i want to.

physically, mentally, spiritually…….
and i hesitate, cause then i know the things that
will stretch me will come pouring in.
but yeah, let’s do this!

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March 6, 2017

keepin’ this in mind…

a friend gave me the gift of a mister roger’s
calendar this year. she knows he’s a hero of mine,
and knew i’d enjoy it.
and she was right!

every day is a different quote of his.
today’s is perfect timing.

because………
this weekend i found myself just shaking my head.
i don’t care what anyone says –
relationships – of every kind –  are challenging.
if they’re gonna be any good, it seems to me, they’re work.

yes, they’re worth it.
but my gosh they’re hard.

someone recently said i made it look easy.
wow……i don’t know how.
i thought it was pretty obvious how i’m forever stumbling
around with them and workin’ and workin’ on ’em.

so when i read this, i thought – okay, terri, get this down
and maybe it’ll be a bit easier for ya –

ready?
from mister rogers himself –

‘mutually caring relationships require kindness and patience,
tolerance, optimism, joy in the other’s achievements, confidence
in oneself, and the ability to give without undue thought of gain.
we need to accept the fact that it’s not in the power of any human
being to provide all these things all the time. for any of us,
mutually caring relationships will also always include some measure
of unkindness and impatience, intolerance, pessimism, envy,
self doubt, and disappointment.’

yeah.
they’re messy.
they’re just messy.
and somehow i really needed reminding of that.

thought i’d put that out here in case you did too.

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March 3, 2017

facing fears…

so yesterday turned into an ‘under the house’
kinda day. spent a lotta time in the crawl space.
and for someone with claustrophobia,
that’s no little thing.

now, i’ve been under there plenty of times.
well, SEVERAL times before.
but only in the ‘main’ part.
there’s a couple parts i just would never go near.

thing is – some insulation had come down in
one of those parts. and while i feel like i can ask
my sons for help, i don’t want to abuse that.
and if i can do something myself, i would like to.

so i eyed that area and wondered if i could do it.
my son was down there in another part workin’
on some wiring. ‘face your fears, mom’ he said.

so, of course, i had to.
and he knew it.

i mumbled things to myself like ‘don’t think
about there being a house right above you.’
which only made me think of the house right
above me. or ‘why aren’t there rats down here?
this is a good place for rats.’
when i answered myself that we didn’t have rats,
my self wanted to know ‘well then, WHAT do we have?’

things like that.
thank goodness i didn’t think about snakes until
this morning!

but!
i did it!
i did it i did it i did it!

i faced my darn fears!

and….i got to know my house a little more.
and here’s a weird thing –
i’m starting to see that when something breaks,
it’s ‘just’ a matter of fixing it.

that there’s a certain logic to it all,
and you fix it.

well, that might sound like something this 55 year old
should know. but i’ve always found these things a bit
overwhelming. or like nothing i could possibly fix.
while, yes, MOST of the stuff i can’t fix on my own,
i can at least see what needs to be done and help.

so i think, yesterday, i not only faced my fears…
i found out that the world doesn’t have to be as
overwhelming as i thought.

both those things feel really good to me today.

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March 2, 2017

power out!

oooh! adventures await me under my house this morning!
what started out as a quick check on some sizes of pipes
turned into a few projects!

gettin’ ready to turn the power off and work on
the wiring in the crawl space! well, actually,
zakk is. i’m just gonna go help and goof.

and for some reason this sounds like great fun to me!

not sure when power comes back…so thought i’d
just come in and wave!

got lights? appreciate that wiring that lights them up for ya!

March 1, 2017

honoring life…

well, it certainly feels like spring here.
and as i look out my window,
the apple tree and pear tree are blossoming!
smacking me in the face with new life.
doesn’t matter if i think it’s too early.
it’s coming anyway.
it doesn’t need my permission.

at the same time, i’ve heard of deaths.
both happening this week as well as years ago.
and again…..doesn’t matter what i think….
it just happens. no permission needed.

then i got on facebook to find it is a friend’s birthday today.
a friend we came way too close to losing not too long ago.
my heart smiled at his being here.

i sat and looked outside at spring.
would i be looking way closer if i knew it was the last spring
i’d ever see? would i hold it all more dear?
i thought of the stuff that was on my mind earlier –
of wanting to be a better partner to my guy.
would i just be better if i knew we didn’t have long together?

we don’t have long together.
no matter how long it turns out to be……it won’t be long enough.
i need to remember that.

and as if on cue, the winds are beginning to howl here.
i’m figurin’ many of the blossoms won’t make it thru the
storms today.

life –
fleeting.
gorgeous.
hard.
vast.

it’s time i held it more.
it’s time i opened to it more.

 

February 28, 2017

this guy forever rocks my world!

okay, this is an act of love.
i never type this much out of a book.
but SERIOUSLY?! i had to.
wow…..

my offering today isn’t mine.
it’s from mark nepo.
from his book ‘facing the lion, being the lion.’
wow.
if i could only think this clearly.
but maybe i don’t have to……as long as i can read!
thank you, mark!

‘Oddly, disappointment is defined by whether what happens
is close or not to what we expect. We hear ourselves uttering,
“That was disappointing” as opposed to “That was a surprise.”
Here the inner obstacle is really our quick and endless dowry
of expectations, which we create and then feel entitled to. As
fast as we can think, we create pictures of what we want and
where we want to be and how we want to be seen, then hold
them out ahead of us as some strange form of gold we must
have. Expecting life to conform to these images is a perversion
of having a goal. It often prevents us from seeing what life
freshly brings us.

Failure, it seems, is disappointment allowed to root within
one’s self-esteem. Yet after falling down enough, after having
things pass through our hands repeatedly, after having so many
of life’s blessings arrive from beyond the range of all our schemes
and plans, it seems odd to define success or failure by whether
we get what we want or by how close we land to where we aim.
Quite the contrary, failure would seem to be the limitations that
cap our possibilities if we get only what we want and if we touch
only what we aim for.’

bowing down to mark……

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February 27, 2017

more on listening…

got to take a wonderful break with my sons yesterday.
the topic of ‘listening’ came up.
(believe it or not, it wasn’t me who brought it up!)

and as we talked, i realized that the listening theme
had slowly been bringing me to another place –
it’s brought me to the realization that my task now
includes finding acceptance.

cause, let’s face it –
you listen enough, you’re gonna hear some stuff
you just don’t like.  you’ll hear a lot of stuff rooted
in pain and fear. and that stuff is never pretty.

as i’ve wandered more into listening,
i’ve watched that over and over.

so then what?
you hear stuff that you don’t just disagree with,
it’s stuff that feels really wrong to you.
yeah, sometimes even ugly.
what do you do with that?

i’ve been pondering it for awhile now.

i’m thinking that if you listen closely,
you can be brought deeper into who the person is.
and if you can manage to not turn away from the
hurt and pain that may be causing something unpleasant,
if you can stay with it,
you’ll do deeper.
and you can start to really see what’s behind that.
and you can feel compassion.

and somewhere somehow i think compassion may bring
us to acceptance……

don’t know as i’m new to this.
and acceptance has always thrown me.

but now……i’m thinking instead of just working on listening,
it’s essential that i work on COMPASSIONATE listening.

i can tell you that, for the most part, i have done this.
BUT ONLY TO A CERTAIN LEVEL.
and i think that’s where i’m getting stuck.
i think i gotta go deeper.
listen deeper, see deeper, and love deeper.

whew.
this stuff really does take some practice, doesn’t it?!

 

time to go deeper

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