oh for pete’s sakes i woke up this morning and all the fear and doubts decided to leap right up and greet me!
all the normal stuff you can imagine. all the questions that would surface. all the doubts. all that.
and i gotta tell ya, it all had me jittery and hoppin’ around all over the darn place.
i couln’t focus on anything. i was like this manic mess just goin’ from thing to thing.
til i finally hopped back into bed where my husband was still sleeping and just held him tight and told him i was scared!
and i know the answers to all the fears and doubts. i know all that in my head. it’s the ‘in my heart’ stuff i’m not so sure of, and yet, that’s not true either. i know it in my heart as well.
i just gotta either shut off the flow of craziness that is gonna run thru me, or let it run thru me and right on out.
so. some more running around like a crazy person, some snacking nervously, and then some deep breaths, some laughs, and moving back into the day and the adventure.
‘your work’ did you ever think about those two words? ever wonder what ‘your work’ was?
there’s a buncha phrases for it, i guess – what’s your purpose? maybe even what’s your dream? what’s your goal? what the heck you doin’ with yourself?
all of those and more.
and maybe it’s how they’re worded and when they’re said that gets our attention.
i had a dream this weekend. one that i woke up from. one that had me laying there just thinking.
or maybe, just ‘hearing.’ and realizing.
i could feel this decision had taken place inside me. but i hadn’t even known about it. well, some deep part of me knew – and told me about it in my dream.
and ever since then, the rest of me has been trying to catch up. altho, i think it’s gonna take a little while to get there.
it was a dream that told me it was time to ‘retire.’ time to move away from bone sighs.
yeah. yeah. i mean, really?! right?! ohmygosh.
it kinda stunned me.
but then, later that day, someone emailed me and mentioned ‘my work.’
this is after hours of kinda digesting this whole ‘retiring’ idea that the dream had planted in me. and now i couldn’t get that phrase outta my head – ‘my work.’
what WAS my work?!
and my goodness, if that answer didn’t come quickly.
which, yes, is good. but no, it’s not, because it really solidifies the dream. which, yes, is good. but no, it’s not, because it totally unnerves me –
my work now is to move away from bone sighs and head into what i really need to be doing.
the best phrase i have for that, which i don’t know if it will make sense – is to learn how to age.
when i tried to explain it to my husband, he phrased it as ‘learning how to live.’ both are the same to me.
focusing on listening, hearing, being. focusing on my health and peace of mind. focusing on loving my husband, so that when it’s all over, we will have known we loved the best we could.
THAT stuff.
and my gosh… i honestly have believed i would NEVER retire. that i would be doing bone sighs until my old old OLD age.
but this relocating that we’re working on right now, i guess it’s more than just changing houses. i am beginning to see that it’s completely about changing how i live.
because ‘my work’ has changed.
wow.
and yeah, i’m unnerved. scared. nervous. and um….thrilled.
i lit some candles this morning and sat with them in my dark living room.
the fire from the pellet stove added to the candle light, and the room felt warm and cozy.
there’s someone in my life who has been struggling for ages with different health stuff. i don’t even know what to call him. i guess ‘friend’ – but we really barely know each other, have only talked in person twice, and then again once or twice on the phone. and ‘friend’ doesn’t seem to describe it quite right anyway.
i feel like we’re the oldest of friends. that feels so much more like it. if there are past lives, we definitely knew each other. there’s a bond and a caring there that doesn’t make a whole lotta sense, unless you start talking about soul levels.
which matters to me this morning as i think of him, because it reminds me that there’s so much more to this being here, to connecting, to caring, to loving than i can ever fully understand.
i lit the candles for him. and sat and just tried to be still and peaceful. to send him some of that peace. he’s got medical stuff today, and i’m praying it goes easy for him.
as i sat there, the thought ‘take care of what you’ve got’ floated through my mind.
take care of what you’ve got.
for me, right now, that means so many things.
i don’t like ‘the world’ right now. the politics, the division, the non-thinking. but there’s not a lot i can do about that. it will spin with or without me. so why not without?
every reason for without, actually.
because if i keep my nose outta all that stuff, i can turn to my own world with the strength that i would lose to that other. i can turn to my own world and see the good that i have. i can feel the gratitude of all that surrounds me.
yes, that seems very much to be taking care of what i have.
i can take time to care for my body. it’s in major need of stretching right now. i can spend some quiet time taking care of that.
i can take care of my home right now. it’s in some need of attention as well.
my marriage, my family, those i love… my business, my joys, my sorrows – all of that.
take care of what you have.
and i’m thinking you can’t take care of it unless you see it. ya know? you gotta see it. and once seen, that gratitude kinda has to flood through, because my gosh, all of us have so much just by being here journeying together.
which brings me back to my ‘oldest of friends’ – how do i take care of him today?
ohmygosh, we are well into love month and i haven’t even been shouting about it.
i think i got burnt out on it about two years ago – for years and years i was tryin’ to get people to see we could celebrate ALL kindsa love – including SELF love this month. and really hoping people would see how awesome that is.
i believe it in so much, that i think if we wanted to, we could change it into that kinda thing. it wouldn’t have to be the dopey thing we’ve made it into.
sigh. each year though, i met with such resistance that i finally stopped hollering about it.
but that’s not okay, is it?
if you believe in something, you believe in it because of what you feel, not what others tell you.
i’m world weary. covid weary. politically weary. people weary.
there’s one thing i know that counters all that weariness – a good focusing on love. NOT on what others can give me, but what i can give myself and offer outside of myself.
the last thought i had last night before i fell asleep was about ‘walking with god.’ how we all have to do our own walk. and that’s where we have to focus. the minute we focus outside of us, we’re not doin’ that walk anymore.
love month is the same. it’s exactly the same stuff. love month – done right – is walking with god.
thought i’d shout that out today. because i believe it.
i opened up ‘fabric’ today and read this – thought it was kinda perfect.
‘As I walked up the next street, I thought of how hard I fight change. And how I want everything to be pretty.
It’s not.
You wanted to be good and strong and happy today, Ter. Then step into that flow. Know that it’s not all pretty and it changes constantly and deal with what’s going on in the moments.
I want to enter my day open eyed to what’s really there. Not what I want to be there. And truth is, today is filled with a lot of stuff that I don’t want to be there.
But it is. How I choose to live it is up to me. There are so many ways I run and hide. And I just don’t want to do that anymore. I want to change “run and hide’ to ‘step up and embrace.’
All of it. Every single bit of it. And so once again, I turn to my day.”
ah, here we are, another ‘get your head in the game’ day for me.
sometimes i’ve got it – that good attitude – and i’m moving along well.
and sometimes the good attitude alludes me and feels far away.
i knew today would be a challenge. various reasons. and i thought of the image of the ‘mental gym’ that my sons have given me. it’s a great image –
the idea that we’re just in one heck of a time and that the heavy weights are the ones we gotta lift to keep our spirits in a good spot.
i could feel the crash coming. and i knew i had some weights to lift. so i got up early and put in two hours of exercising. had 40 ounces of water and 6 ounces of coffee by eight this morning.
wasn’t quite the magic that i had hoped it would be, but it’s helped. given me a little focus and concentration on doing positive things that matter.
so, yeah… guess i need to keep at it. and i will. gonna write and create and do things that lift me up. and stay away from things that bring me down.
thought i’d post this as a reminder and a nudge for anyone else feelin’ a wee bit weary or crazed or frustrated or angry or all of the above and more.
mental gym, baby! we’re in it. see those weights right there in front of you? let’s lift! we got this!
