journal

musings and ponderings…

June 26, 2020

true story…

it just happened.
last night.
i was finishing up the stuff
that i finish up for the evening.

and i looked out my living room window…
i couldn’t get over the beauty.

across the street.
behind my neighbor’s house.
in the woods.
there was a tree standing in the light
while everything else was in shadow.

i went outside and stood in my yard and just stared.

its entire trunk was a golden coppery brown glow.
the leaves just shimmered.

effortless and yet everything.

i have much to learn…

June 25, 2020

fabric of her dancing shoes

i wrote this book years ago.
honest to pete,
where does the time go??

it’s an odd thing.
the book actually brings me peace.
which i find very odd.
seems to me if you wrote it, it’d just be ‘whatever.’
but it’s full of reminders for me
and i find it helpful.
and soothing.

someone ordered it today.
and yeah! you can find it here.
i thought it’d be good to share tidbits around.
so i’m doin’ that today.

here’s my tidbit for over here.
and yes! i needed the reminder.
maybe i really wrote this book for myself!

June 24, 2020

i’m back!

ohmygosh, guys!
i’m back!
i’m back!

i’m back!

okay, no secret it’s been hard.
for all of us.
no secret we all keep melting down and getting back up again.

i have been kinda concentrating on that –
the getting up from the meltdowns.

but as we’ve gone along,
i think with each meltdown,
a part of me has stayed melted or something.

i really felt like i was losing myself.

it finally just got too nuts.
*i* just got too nuts.
my husband kept giving me these looks as well.
like where the heck did terri go???

so i made the commitment this week, right?
to really get back on track.
the schedule, the exercise, the drinking water.

to really do it.
and gosh – it’s only the THIRD day in –
and i honest to pete feel like i’m back!!

on day three??
i was expecting a few weeks before i felt
any real change.
what an incredibly happy surprise!

this isn’t just a bounce back after a melt down feeling.
it feels like a real compass turn around.
a change in direction.

i have been feeling so darn powerless.
and finally finally i am doing SOMETHING that i can do.
i’m taking charge of my mental state!
ha!
it doesn’t get any more important than that, ya know?

to top it off,
the day here is incredibly beautiful.
my husband smiled at my joy this morning and suggested
a boat ride this evening!

i’m not COMPLETELY back,
as at first, i said no, i had some stuff i needed to do.

he reminded me that god was out on the river,
not in the stuff.

grinnin’ here.
so, yeah, not completely there yet.
how could i miss that?
tho i like to think god’s in the stuff doin’ too…
but i got his point.

and i’m really up for a good dose of god!
ha!
so it’s a boat ride for me for sure!

seriously, guys…
if you keep breakin’ down and havin’ a hard time…
think about what it is you’re letting slide that you need…
that makes you better…
don’t let it slide away.

we need that stuff.
and for me, it’s a lotta discipline to do it.
which is why it slips away…
but my gosh…it is life changing for me.



June 23, 2020

find the beauty game!

so i made this little picture yesterday.
and it musta really gotten into my head.

because!
now!
i have started playing a game with it.
and i call the game….
yep….
you ready???
the find the beauty game!

ha!

i had the great fortune to bike on my local
rail trail early this morning.
and my goodness, it’s one of the most beautiful
places i know. i actually wanted to get married on it!
grin.
yeah, but um….not everyone wanted that.
grinnin’…..
but it’s just that beautiful!

and then i went to the grocery store later.
and i chose to go the back way so that i could…
yep! you got it –
find the beauty!!

and wow! not hard at all!
it’s perfect colors today…colors that just wrap around me
and heal something inside.

there were insects singing, trees waving –
i literally waved to one as i drove by as i know it was shouting
good things my way.

i need this right now.
i mean…
i NEED this right now.
so i’m in and i’m playing.

thought i’d mention it here in case you needed it too.
so far it’s been a delightful game.
wanna play?

June 22, 2020

taking it back…

it has been a looooong few months,
hasn’t it?!
or maybe ‘hard’ would be a better word.
cause time still flies!

what i find the most interesting is how things can slip away
without me even realizing that they are slipping.

one thing changes,
and there’s a whole string of changes that quietly
go right along with it…
and i won’t really pay attention to that.

and lately, with all the changes that have been goin’ on,
there’s been a lotta strings of changes…
which led me to my ‘no! this doesn’t work!’ moment.

i have tried to stay on top of things.
i thought i actually was.
i have had many meltdowns but i get back up and get back to it.

but no.
nope.
i haven’t been on top of things.
and truth is – things have been on top of me.
and it’s time i figured that out and did something about it.

so i’m changing that.
started today.
got back up way early this morning.
i had inched the time back more and more and more
so that i was getting up later and then that leads to –
yep, you got it –
a string of changes!

so this morning, i was up early.
and oooooch it felt it.
and then i was out for some exercise.
and ooooch it felt it.
and now i’m back in, settling down to things,
and going to go down my to do list.
and yeah……oooch………it feels it.

but under all the oooch stuff is an ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh………
cause this feels so right.

i used to sit with the news with my coffee.
nope.
not doin’ that anymore.
it’s not just routine and exercise,
it’s filling my brain, and my body.
so while i want to get back on top of the drinking a ton
of water again, and the really eating beautifully –
i need to feed my brain better.
my brain has just fried over the state of the world.
and an unfried brain is a must.
so i took my coffee out in my yard and talked with my plants.

i’m taking my life back.
yeah…again.
seems i’ve done this before.
i think right now it’s a cycle.
and if i’m not careful, i’ll lose it again.
and thinking ahead and how the world is probably going to go,
yeah, i’ll probably lose it again.
but! i’m going to get it back for a bit here,
and i’m going to hang on to it for as long as i can.

the only thing i have power over is me.
and the lack of power lately has been really getting to me.
so i’m going to focus it where i can actually use it.
and i gotta say…….i feel better already!



June 19, 2020

good men

good men.
i know a lot of ’em.

and i have asked some that i admire if they feel lumped into
one big category of some kinda negative.
something like ‘men suck.’ or ‘man=bad.’
something like that.

and they have told me yes they do!

how sad and yet unsurprising is that?!

we, as a society, seem to be good at doing that to groups of people!

it being father’s day weekend,
i just wanted to pause and honor all good men.
fathers or not.
cause good men help us all grow.
good men make us more.
good men matter!

i know that it can be a complicated holiday for many.
not all had good fathers.
i understand that and respect that.

i just wanted to add one tiny voice to the din
reminding us that there are some really amazing
men in our midst. and we are so lucky to have them.

toasting you guys this weekend!
and appreciating you!



June 18, 2020

sharing…

regina came thru my inbox recently.

and by the time we were done,
i had found the youtube vid of
the ted x talk she had given.

i found her absolutely beautiful.
and her offerings so very important.

i wanted to share her around so that
anyone who needs to find her could.

you can click here for her ted talk.

and you can click here for her ‘i am priceless’ site.

and you can click here for her own website.

thanking regina for all she offers!

June 17, 2020

hammer time

construction stuff
goin’ on in my house.

in the bathroom
which is right next to my office.

second day now…
i totally forgot to blog today.
maybe because thinking is only coming in spurts.

even as i type the sound of the drill
is echoing thru everything here…

tomorrow is a quieter day…

June 16, 2020

step carefully…

there are some people
who are just mean.

and since they weren’t born that way,
i’m sure their journey to mean was quite painful.

i rarely see mean.
my life is full of a loving people.
so when i do, it really stands out.

and what i find really interesting
is that the inner child part of me reacts big time.
wanting to be miles away from mean.

so it’s an interesting combination of things
that get going inside of me.
i try hard to remember the compassion,
as i step way way way far outta the way.

the thing with mean people who want to be part
of your life is they’ll make any problems your fault.
and want you to stick around.

i can’t.
i won’t.
and sometimes, it’s all complicated enough that there
is a moment or two of confusion.

and then i remember…
i want to stand in the light of my gentle heart.
and that’s no little thing to stand in.
i have to watch where i’m putting my feet.
there is no standing room in mean for me.

smiling.
and loving the life i have built for myself.
and how the older i get,
the more i want of peace.



June 15, 2020

kai’s blessing

kai’s blessing

the quote/print above
was our quote of the day today.

i spent the weekend trying to listen closer.
or maybe, just trying to quiet more.
maybe that’s a better way of saying it.
as i have a lot of inner quieting to do before
i even get to the listening stage.

and i think this is why…
what this quote says –
this would be why i want to do that.
and so it meant a bit extra to me this morning.
and it reminded me to keep going.

so i’m making a plan to finish as early as i can,
and head outside and be out for as long as i can.
because out there, i tend to quiet down.