journal

musings and ponderings…

January 30, 2019

reminders

i think reminders are wonderful things.
and reminders of how much we have in life
are essential.

yesterday i was reminded big time of
how incredibly lucky i am.
so much so, i felt brought to my knees.

and here’s the funky cool topper of a thing –

it’s not only that i have so much in my life,
it’s ALSO that there’s some magic that seems to
work with me and help me remember when i forget.
and that very magic just plain helps me in so
many different ways.

that’s a pretty cool funky topper!

let’s keep reminding each other –
we have such gifts!
let’s embrace them!

January 29, 2019

a podcast?!

yes!
it’s terri tuesday!
and i actually have a podcast!
it’s been awhile.

but i came back with a vengeance,
and recorded a couple the other day!
got one up in time for terri tuesday.

come on over and give it a listen.
you can find it here!
and if you didn’t know i had podcasts,
there’s a bunch over there for whenever you feel in the mood.
you can find them all here.

January 28, 2019

the most precious guest…

i’d like to say it’s my awareness
that brings about these incredible moments.
but truth seems to be –
i stumble into all the really great stuff,
never really knowing what i’m doing.

i stumbled into something yesterday,
and was so darn tickled i did.

i decorated inside for valentine’s day on saturday.
hearts hanging everywhere and lots of little
red lights and heart lights hanging around.

so on sunday, i figured i really better get my
christmas lights down outside! (yeah, i know. i know.)

i spent the morning cleaning house, doing laundry,
fillin’ orders. that kinda thing. then in the
afternoon, i headed out to get the lights down.

by the time i was done, i was tired and cold.

i loaded all the lights up in the attic and then
came back down and looked around. everything looked
so clean and pretty.

ooooOOOooh!
i wanna just be in this, i thought.
so i lit the pellet stove, turned on all the valentine lights,
lit the candles, made some tea and sat down with myself.

wow.
i felt like the most royal guest in my own home.

i had been alone all day.
but i was busy doin’ stuff.
while i enjoyed the quiet time to myself,
it still wasn’t just sitting with myself and listening
to my thoughts. it was entirely different.

this was a break just with me doing nothing.

now, i have taken many breaks with myself before.
but i don’t think i’ve ever timed it where i felt so much
like i had just prepared for company to visit.
i had cleaned, decorated, and lit all the special lights.
just like i would for company.

i realized how much i fuss for other people.
how little i fuss for me.
i always thought i was doing good just taking a break
to be by myself. i don’t think i ever thought about fussing
for myself before.

but i gotta tell ya, it felt so good.
and i thought about why i fuss for others.
i want them to know they matter to me. i want them to feel
welcome and at home and loved.

ahem.
well…….hello, terri!
now i want to actually fuss for myself on a regular basis!
because honestly, what a precious guest to prepare for.

wanted to put this out there for anyone else who hadn’t thought
about the fussing part. and obviously, that only works if the
fussing is a good thing, not a chore. for me, i’m pretty sure
it’d be a good thing. i’d kinda get a double bonus outta the deal –
the place would get cleaned, and i’d feel honored all at once.
for me, it puts a whole new spin on cleaning!

still smiling from it all.

January 25, 2019

ohmygosh…

i just posted the quote of the day.
and then came over here to write the blog.
and i started to title it the same title
as the quote of the day.

my eyes got big
and i went ‘ohmygosh.’
and then i went back to the site to read the quote.

did it really fit?
ohmygosh yes.

here it is –

“always there when i need you…
forever making me laugh…
pushing me to stretch and opening my
pools of giving ~ you teach me.
and it is in your very presence that i become gratitude.”

and i actually said when i posted it that i originally wrote
this about my kids, but it really fits for all kindsa
different people.

well! here’s one that i hadn’t thought of! how about the
wise one deep inside us?! ohmygosh!

so.
here’s the story –

if i get knocked off balance in certain ways,
my reaction will be to beat myself up.
yeah.
i know.
not a good one.
and i work hard on not doing that.
but it’s where i turn sometimes.
and i get smack in the middle of it all
before i even know what i’m doing.

so it happened last nite.
i was telling my partner some of the things goin’
on with me and i think it stirred up a lot.
when i rolled over to go to sleep,
i started to tell myself how stupid i was.

i heard myself and had enough awareness to turn
to my partner and tell him that’s where i was going.
he urged me not to and encouraged me to be bigger
than the pull to go there.

that’s good language for me.
it makes sense.

yeah. okay. okay.
dig deep, terri.

so i closed my eyes and imagined my inner crone.
i spent some time visualizing what she’d look like.
that took the focus off the ranting at myself
and had me concentrate elsewhere.

and i asked her for help.

and there she was. right there.
telling me things that made such sense to me,
things that answered my struggle and offered
compassion and empathy.

i fell asleep in the middle of all that.
and i woke up thinking of it all.
really good stuff.
and a place i can count on for help and love.

is she another one of my imaginary friends?
or is she truly the way i can tap into my inner wisdom.

both, i think.

and then i think of this quote about her always being there.
that’s us, you guys!
we have our answers and our strength and our guidance right
inside ourselves!

and who we are is someone to be so incredibly grateful for.
someone to constantly get to know better.
now.
read the quote again.
can you think of yourself as the person the quote’s about?!
i hope so.
cause, gosh, that’s so beautiful.

feeling deeply grateful here.

January 24, 2019

gotta take off the darn vest…

listening.
listening.
listening.
ohmygosh the ever elusive listening.

i gotta tell you, i suck at it.

and you might not believe it if you
had a conversation with me.

i have actually had someone stand up
after we finished a conversation and tell me
that i was the best listener they had ever met.

i’ve had people tell me they felt like my whole being was listening.

i’ve been called an ‘active listener.’

and i’m here to tell you, i still suck at it.

there are two places that stand out that really need my attention.
one – in areas that i’m vested.
and two – to my own self.

so the vested areas –
places i have some sorta stake in the conversation –
bam, all the things that can get in the way, do.

today i’m thinking it’s not so much the act of listening i want
to pay attention to. but the VESTS that keep me locked in.
i want to work on taking the darn vests off!

what am i so vested in that it blocks my hearing?
WHY am i so vested in these things?

off the top of my head the idea of ‘fear’ just
keeps roaring in. i’m vested because i’m afraid.

so i want to look at that.

and then me…
why don’t i listen better to me?
there’s the inner child part of me that gets ignored
so often until there’s enough turmoil inside that i
HAVE to listen.
and then there’s the part of me that puts my needs
on hold for other people.
i totally misjudge how long i can do that for and then
the turmoil begins and gets my attention.

i’m thinking better listening skills would definitely
slow down the turmoil!

this is all on my mind today.
and it’s quiet here.
just me alone in the house.
i want to hold this, and let it sink in.
and i want to begin taking my vests off and
hearing my own inner voices.

yes!

January 22, 2019

the bone sigh arts etsy shop!

wanting to make sure everyone knows
there’s not only the bone sigh arts website,
but there’s also a bone sigh arts etsy shop.

did you know?!

there are prints there, yes,
but it’s also where i can just bop up
any originals i’m working on.
so it’s a fun place to keep your eye on.

and lately, it’s been hopping over there.

i’ve been offering these real simple matted heart pieces
with this quote –

‘and if when it is all over i am asked what i did with my life –
i want to be able to say – ‘i offered love.’

and then the other day, i added another quote that
holds a special place for me –

‘i give you my heart. sometimes i think it’s just not enough
and then sometimes i know it’s everything.’

this is so good for me to work with these quotes right now.
i am loving this.

the only problem with this is *i* am taking the pictures of the stuff.
and they’re not real good images.
i’m kinda hoping people can figure that out and know
that they are better in real life! 🙂

if you get some time,
and feel so inclined,
come on over and check them out.

January 21, 2019

she lit a fire…

it was one of those moments.
the disturbing kind.
where you witness parts of humanity
that overwhelm you with despair
and make you feel helpless.

ohmygosh.

so there i sat.
wondering what on earth to do with it all.
i was at my desk,
and had what i thought was a random nudge
(now i wonder)
to post one of the meme’s i make for social media.

so i went to the folder where i have them all
and right away, out of gazillions,
the one that had my answer popped right out at me.
without me even knowing i was looking for it.
(i want to keep the magic of this in mind,
and know this happens all the time.)

the quote says ‘and she lit a fire so that god could
come visit for awhile.’

i just stared at it.
ohmygosh yes.
that’s the only thing you can do, terri.
you can light a fire and invite god to visit.
that’s all you can do.

my head was full of that idea while i posted it.
and then i headed for bed and fell asleep thinking
about it all.

it had already helped.
my mind went from focusing on the despair,
to thinking about what it means to light a fire.

i have been thinking about it all weekend.
and have only really come up with two things for sure.
but both seem to be guides that i want to lean on –

-the fire begins in my heart.
that’s where it starts and that’s where i have to tend it.
that involves, trust (in the process and in me and in my heart)
fearlessness, and of course – love.

and

-lighting a fire means in my whole life. not just in parts of it.

as i pondered this thru the weekend, i kept it in the front of my mind
during all my interactions. it changed some of the interactions in the
sense that i chose love over fear.
and others i don’t think it changed, but it kept me more present.

this is a visual i want to really work with and hold and use and do.

i have no other answer right now.
and right now i don’t care.
this feels really right to me.

January 18, 2019

holding it…

yesterday was an incredible day for me.

if you were standing at a window,
looking in,
you wouldn’t have seen anything
that would make you think it
was anything but an ordinary day.

there were ups.
there were downs.
there was the mundane.
there was the interesting.

but!
scattered thru everything was message after message
for me to see.
for me to hold.

messages i needed.
messages i’m holding.
messages that helped bring me back
to where i have been trying to get.
they were like my final little oooomph to get over
that last hurdley hump.

i can’t help but think they’re there every day.
and if i were more in tune, i’d see them.

but it was as if the universe threw up its hands
and said ‘okay, she’s so darn thick headed,
let’s just flood her with messages so she can’t miss them!’

i got them.
i was flooded.
overwhelmed.
and so deeply moved with gratitude.

i’m taking that in to my weekend and holding it close.

there’s magic all around us.
why is it i keep forgetting that?!

thanking the universe today and all who were messengers
for me yesterday.

January 17, 2019

it’s getting better and better!

i am reminded once again
what a darn circle life is.

having just come out of a pretty long funk,
i feel like each day i’m getting better and better.

and i’m grabbin’ it, baby!
i am stepping in to what feels good and right
and making as much room as i can for that to grow.

yesterday i did something awesome.
i made a choice.

it was a choice i had to sit with and think about.
it wasn’t easy.
but my gosh, it was so right.

once made, i realized how right it was
by the way i felt.
not only happy,
but joyful.
not only joyful,
but giddy.

i chose to leave some gunk behind
and just not give it any more of my time.

terri, you really CAN choose what your life is filled with!

and so, i’m taking that today,
and i’m bringing it to another place in my life,
where i need to stand up for myself and make my life what i want.

but you see?
i just did that in a much smaller way yesterday.
i still feel empowered.

so i’m riding on that today to have the courage to
speak my truth and stand behind it today in a bigger way.

it’s not like i never do that.
in fact, i do that a lot.
but you know…..sometimes it’s way harder than others.
and sometimes when you mix your issues in with the process,
it almost feels impossible.

i’m facing something that has felt impossible to me today.

and i’m giving the impossible the raspberry.

cause i really CAN choose what my life is filled with!
and so can you.

kinda cool, huh?!