journal

musings and ponderings…

August 4, 2017

love or fear, baby….love or fear…

we all know that thought that
everything you do is based in
either love or fear, yes?

i like that thought.

and haven’t once seen it not be true.

well, i’ve been thinking about ‘reactions’ lately.

it started out easy for me to see as i watched it
in another person. ha! that’s always so much easier
for me to see than watching something in me.

i saw them react from a place of fear.
and wow did it close doors.

and wow….it would be so much easier if the reaction
had just come from a place of love.
why did they pick fear?

so then i got to thinking about it.
because we must all be doin’ this kinda stuff all
day long without even knowing it.
totally totally we’re doin’ it if we get threatened.
but how many times are we threatened
and don’t even realize it?

so i started looking really close.

ohmygosh you guys.
how in the world do we ever untangle all the stuff
inside us that there is to untangle?

it starts out like this –
i see a reaction in me.
and everything you do all day is either an action
or a reaction, yes?
and i need to look at both things.
but right now i’m focused on reactions.

okay. that reaction comes from fear.
okay.
what’s the fear?
i come up with something – usually about the other person.
nah, terri, if it’s about the other person, dig deeper.
so i dig more.
and i keep digging.
and i find really deep reasons for the fear.

it’s not the first stuff you come up with.
at least, with me, it’s not.
the more you dig, the more you understand.

oh man.

so it’s this deep stuff i gotta sit with.
and i gotta remember past issues are past issues
and it doesn’t help to mix ’em with present stuff.

and i gotta focus on present stuff.
and i gotta intentionally act with love.

yeah.
right.
like how do you do all this stuff in the moment that
it’s all happening?
i mean, seriously!
and how can you become so aware that you really see
all these millions of reactions you have every darn day?!

i doubt you can.
but you know what?
i’m gonna work on it anyway.

cause the less i’m driven by fear,
the more of me i actually am.

and i’m thinking none of us have any clue just how much
fear is really running the show.

i’m gonna get clued in here.
and the fact that i’ve decided that,
makes me think i’m gonna get knocked around a bit
because something inside me likes that fear runs the show.

but there’s a bigger part of me that’s ready to claim herself.

and the way she’ll do that may just be one reaction at a time.

baby steps.
maybe baby steps take me all the way to the woman i really am.

fear or love?
which is driving that last reaction you just had?
which will drive the next?

August 3, 2017

it’s an inner child thang…

i kinda knew…
but i didn’t really know…
i had a feeling…
but put different words on it…
and then i realized!

it’s an inner child thang!

okay, seriously, if you don’t think you have
an inner child inside you, i respect that.
maybe you honestly don’t.
we don’t all have to work the same.
BUT don’t just discount it until you look to see, okay?

cause years ago, i had NO IDEA i had one.
and now i can’t understand how i didn’t know!

and lately, mine’s been hiding.
yep.
and i totally felt it.
know exactly how it happened.
but wasn’t really tying the feelings inside after that to her hiding.

i was thinking things like ‘you’re too much in your head.
you gotta get outta your head right now.’

yeah.
okay.
that sounds fine.
but it felt like something was missing from that thought process.

SHE was missing!
she IS missing.

and now that i just say that out loud,
i’m okay.
cause i understand why,
and i know how to make room for her to come around again.

maybe everyone doesn’t work this way.
but i swear, i can’t be the only one who does.
and it’s such a strong part of my life.

it’s the part that plays and laughs and twinkles.

if you haven’t seen that part of you in a long time,
maybe that part’s hiding.
and maybe you need to make some space for that part of you
to feel safe and come back and light your eyes up again.

i have an inner child “e-course” that i offer –
if this is all sounding new but maybe possible,
definitely check it out.

as for me, i need to go have a little tea party with myself.
i’ve been missing little terri.

August 2, 2017

again…

so i caught myself again.
looking to someone else to create
what it is i want.

shakin’ my head here.
you just can’t do that, can ya?
so how come i lose focus so often
and look for that?

yeah, i guess that’s cause that’s what we do.
at least, that’s what i do.
and i just keep getting back up and trying again.

this morning, in seeing it,
i also see how cool it is that what i want to create
is really up to me.

made this as i thought about it all –

July 31, 2017

a little ramblin’…

so i started ramblin’ on the
bone sigh arts facebook page.
i don’t know why.
sometimes i just do.
but it got me thinking,
so i thought i’d bring it over here
so i could really get on a roll.

i’ve been thinking about being healthy lately.
and there’s something that’s really intriguing me.

i think it started for me way back years and years ago
when i was in the middle of the whole divorce stuff
and counseling and all that –

i wanted to get healthy – emotionally healthy.
i was so tired of the dysfunction in me and around me.
so for about 16-17 years now, i’ve been working on that –
getting healthier.

if you were to ask me why, i would just say it’s gotta be
a good thing to do. i’m tried of dysfunction –
that kinda thing.
vague. broad. general. just feeling it was right.

but lately i’ve got a new thought which feels like maybe
everyone else on the planet musta had years ago –
it feels like one of those no-brainers for everyone else,
and total enlightening for me –

it’s this –

that working on getting healthy is vital because you’re
building your ship from that. where you go and the choices you make
and how you steer and everything comes from that point of how healthy you are.

it matters not because it seems like it’s a good thing to do
and you’re tired of dysfunction –
it matters because your entire life is formed from that place.
and, for me, living is about loving – yourself and others –
in a healthy way. if it’s not healthy, it’s not love.
so i can’t live the way i want unless i’m healthy.

this tangles into love –
something i give a ton of thought to.
to truly love – yourself and others – is so darn hard.
because it needs to come from a healthy place.
the muscles it takes to look at what drives you,
why you have the needs that you have, why you offer the things
that you offer – to really be honest with all that,
requires SUCH strength and honesty.
i find it SOOOO challenging.
actually, i think it’s the hardest thing to do ever.

and i see more and more clearly,
that being healthy is totally at the root of all this.

so. okay.
because of the rambling interactions on facebook, i am aware now that
someone reading this might be someone who hates themselves.
how do they view this? like they can’t be healthy? i’m not sure.
maybe they’ll tell me.

but i’m thinking the beauty of this thought is it works for anyone.
so what if you hate yourself – can you still figure ‘okay, well, maybe
i need to work on being healthy anyway.’ and go from there?
and is it possible the baby steps you take from there eventually
take you past self hatred?

i don’t know.

but wow…….what if it did?!

July 28, 2017

so it takes awhile, doesn’t it?

when i first noticed some stuff was up
with me and my cycles, i excitedly
dug into the menopause books.
it only took a few pages of reading
to figure out i was in peri-menopause.
which could go on like um….
forever!

that didn’t slow me down,
i read the stuff with great gusto and was on it.

but um…yeah….that enthusiasm died away
as time wore on and i couldn’t figure out
what was menopause and what wasn’t.

years passed.
truly.

warm flashes came and went.

and now…while still not seeming to be in much
of a hurry to get thru this whole thing,
my body seems to be diving in more fully to the whole process.

and absolutely the hormones and emotions
have decided it’s time for some exercise.

last nite i went to bed with some heavy stuff on my mind.
and i honestly believe the craze inside created a buzz
for me to work with it in a different way.

there was a deep sense of understanding where i wanted to go
and that this was part of the journey.
it wasn’t fun by any means.
but i could see it mattered in the creation of who i am.

this morning, i replied to a comment here,
and said i felt like i was being chiseled into something right now.

and as soon as i typed that, i realized that was a really good
description of what’s goin’ on.
or what i THINK is goin’ on.

and it occurs to me –
you gotta be older to go thru menopause!
laughin here…..i know…..i know…….
the whole point is your body changes and you don’t have
kids and all that. the old part is what it’s about. i know.

but! how about this?
all the work i’ve been doin’ to figure out who i am,
who i want to be, what life is about for me,
what i want to offer…all that stuff –
it’s taken me 56 years to figure this stuff out.
i needed all those 56 years to gather all the building
blocks and hunks of things. i know there’s a ton more to get.
but these are some real solid foundation blocks.
and i’m slow. it’s taken awhile.

and now….now…..
it’s time for me to take the pile of stuff that is me
and chisel what i want out of it all.
to refine it.

and okay….sometimes it’s more like a darn jack hammer than a chisel –
but there definitely is a buzz of energy that i can use right now
to create myself with.

and i have never ever yet thought of that.
i spend a lotta time tryin’ to stay steady.
but what if i spent a lotta time letting the energy do its work?

brand new thought for me.
and a nice one to carry into the weekend……

July 27, 2017

an interesting moment…

it was a spontaneous moment.
she needed a friend.
she asked.
i went.

at the moment tho, i was feelin’ lousy.
physically and emotionally.
was waiting for my guy to come home as
i also needed a friend.

i’m in the thick of menopause
and was really feeling it.
i took some aspirin before i left.
and went up to sit with her.

the hard chairs felt extra hard.
but i sat down and became present in her struggle.

she had recently experienced a huge disappointment
and was reeling from it.

i knew this. understood this. and needed nothing from her.
i was just there to be her buddy.
her reaction was really everyone’s reaction.
when you get hit like that, finding any kinda gratitude
just is hard. nothing feels the same and you just feel rotten.

i was trying to make space for her to just know that was normal
and okay and allow what was there to be there. it was all i could
really offer. i also knew it might not be what she needed but it
would have to be enough as it was all i had.

turns out, i don’t think i was there for her.
i don’t think i was much of a help.
i think i was there for me and didn’t know it.

as i sat there i saw someone come in and sit down who i knew from
a long time ago. our sons used to play together. thing is, one of
his sons has since died.

yeah.

it’s been a lotta years and since i was more friends with the mom
than him, i was thinking he prolly wouldn’t know me. and if he did,
i would just be a reminder of stuff that maybe he didn’t need that day.
i didn’t think he noticed me so i left him be.
i didn’t say a word about it to my friend.

but i was well aware of his presence. his grief. his struggle.

i listened to my friend, talked with her a bit, suggested ginger ice cream,
hugged her and left.

i had intended on coming home and having a long talk with my partner.
just kinda crying on his shoulder about my own stuff.
instead i just quietly rested in his arms and soaked him in.

later, i went and did some work up on my roof.
i like it up there.
closer to the sky.
i thought of my friend who felt like her world exploded
when truly nothing much had changed.
while a few seats away sat a quiet man who truly had experienced
one of the worst kinds of explosions.

there’s no judgement on my friend.
she was every single one of us.
she reacted as we all would have.
i woulda been her.

which, i think, is why the moment made such an impact.
maybe i WAS a bit of her when i walked in.
i was in my own bad place when i entered.
when i left, i knew i was different.
by the time i made it to the roof,
i felt completely different than i had hours earlier.

perspective had changed.

i know that one of the hardest things to do is change your
perspective when you’re in a bad place…
and i know things have to run their course…
i want to respect that and honor that.
at the same time, i want to make more space in my heart
for perspective moments.
i think, perhaps, they’re there much more than we realize.
and again, i’m reminded of how much focus matters.

where are you focusing today terri?
where will you focus tomorrow?

July 26, 2017

my own resources

i slept late
and then went out to say hi
to my plants.
wanted to touch them and just be
with them for a bit.
so i stayed there and enjoyed them.

i’ve been hearing the insects today –
REALLY hearing them.
much more aware of them than i usually am.

i’m hormonal and noticing all the waves
of emotions goin’ all over the place today.

at first i wanted an outside source to just ‘fix me.’

just calm the emotions and settle me down.

but then at some point, i understood it wasn’t something
that needed to be fixed.
just let ’em go, terri.
see what they do.

and then i saw how i had just slid into a day
where i could actually do that.
without even really thinking about it.
i was doing what i needed to do.

then when i realized that,
i dived in a little bit more.
stretched til i tingled and felt good.
baked something i wanted to eat.

and listened listened listened to the insects.

i saw a groundhog outside.
stopped and watched him.

and realized how much more grounded i was feeling.
i grinned.
the groundhog reminded me i was grounding myself.

just by slowing down, allowing anything to show up,
and by turning inward. and believing i had my own
resources to look to.

wow.
go figure.

from the verge of insanity to finding my own ground.

i totally love that.

and i’m reminded yet again –
trust your own inner resources, girl.
just keep trusting them.

July 25, 2017

understanding just a little bit more…

once i figured out that we all unintentionally
hurt each other more than we would like,
i don’t think i have ever stopped seeing that.

sometimes i’ll get a major kick in the gut,
and the first thought will be ‘how could they?’
ten thoughts later i’ll realize that i am
capable of the same thing at times,
and also capable of just not even knowing i do it.
or certainly not meaning to.

unintentional hurt.

i hate that i do that.

and yet, i also know that you can’t be alive and not do it.

i understand that.

still don’t like it.

this morning i’m seeing that there’s some sorta ratio involved –
that it’s directly proportional to my focusing on my own needs.

now.
i know that my needs are valid.
i know that sometimes i have to choose the healthy thing for me
and someone else will get hurt. i know that.
and i know that has to be the way it is.

thing is – there are also times that the healthy thing would be
to drop a certain need. that maybe it’s not a need, maybe it’s
more of a want.

that there are times when it would be really helpful if i didn’t focus
on my unmet needs/wants and moved forward focusing elsewhere.

i know there’s not one formula here that works that i can apply always.

it’s just that –
i saw this morning how when i get the focus wrong, i add hurt to a world
that doesn’t need any more hurt.

i’m not beating myself up about it.
not being too hard on myself.
i’m just seeing this.
and well……i want to just keep getting more and more aware,
less and less selfish, and really healthy about what i focus on and what i don’t.

i think truly truly being healthy is one of the hardest goals ever.
and yet, i want it.
cause maybe….just maybe…….when you’re truly truly healthy,
you really are just love.

July 24, 2017

and she saw me

i had a nice big reminder
this weekend of how important
it is to pay attention and
to really try to see each other.

i’m not even talking about dropping
all the things we assume, all the filters
that get in the way, all the filling in
of the blanks we do without asking if
we’re getting things right –

i’m talkin’ about just plain ol’ tryin’
to know who we have in our lives.

just the AWARENESS of knowing each other.

do we really walk around so often just not
even being aware that we’re taking everyone for granted?
or we’re not taking any time to look at others?

i just asked someone i have a hard time seeing to help me.
‘help me see you better.’
i think i’m going to write that down and leave it here on my desk.

what a great thing to have in our heads when we talk to each other –
and sometimes to even just put out there in actual words.
if someone said that to me,
i think i might just fall over.

i don’t plan on having a tombstone….but if i did….
i think what i’d want it to say is –

‘and she saw me…’