journal

musings and ponderings…

November 30, 2017

my day today…

i got sidetracked in stress today.
then i heard a christmas song
that brought me back to what matters.

i went and replayed it and replayed it.
it helped.

over and over again today,
i have told myself –
concentrate on love.

it really is amazing what a difference that makes.

November 29, 2017

turnin’ it around…

ohmygosh…
what a weird day.
it might be hormones.
but then again, it might just be people.

sometimes people can really get ya, you know?

i was so frustrated today that i was angry.

that’s kinda rare for me.

but there it was.

i did all the talking to myself about it.

‘this isn’t personal, terri.’
that kinda thing –

but it wasn’t helpin’.
i was mad.

i knew it and knew i needed to take myself out.
so i ran an errand.
wondering if there was a message along the way that i would notice.

sure enough,
the little boy bank guy.
(why is it everyone now seems like a little boy or little girl to me….
and they’re all in these positions that should be held by adults?!)

he was such a sweetheart.
super nice.
super friendly.
and just plain wonderful.

he made an errand i didn’t feel like doing feel like a highlight of the day.

i got back in my car to head home and thought ‘yeah, he was a pretty good
message. people can be really great. don’t forget that, terri. don’t lose
that because of someone’s selfish thoughtless act.
let the good override the bad.’

yeah, that’s a pretty good message.

i still felt feisty when i got home tho.
but kinda like a good feisty.
like i wanna fuel my work extra with this energy.

a little ‘eat my dust’ attitude.
which i think can be a very useful thing.

so i’m mixing gratitude and focusing on the good with eat my dust.

and that makes me laugh.
i like it!
i think this is the stuff behind the whole carpe diem deal!

November 28, 2017

someone’s getting old…

i just recently shared this with a friend.
and now i can’t remember if i posted it here too.

ahhhh this is my brain these days!

but what the heck –
gonna post it anyway!

today’s quote of the day is ‘her white tree.’

we have both a print and a book with that title.
the reason behind that title is explained in this blog
from way back in 2011! it’s an image that has meant
so much to me. and one that i am happily reminded of today
as one i want to get back to working with.

so i wanted to share it all there – the blog, the print, the book.
they all matter a lot to me.

so here we go – the story behind the image can be found here!

here’s a description of the book that i created with that title.

Written and compiled for a young girl who was raped,
Terri pours her heart out to this girl she’s never met, and to
women everywhere who’ve experienced sexual trauma of any kind.

Believing that no one can take the sacred away from us, and picturing
that sacred as a white tree we each carry inside our depths, Terri reminds us that
we can grow that sacred back, that we’re not alone, and that we matter.

and here’s the links to both the book and the print.

and finally – the print –
and a wish that we all see our beauty inside!

 

“a tree of life.
a tree of knowledge.
a tree of soul.
a tree of goodness.
a tree of her.
it was her core.
burnt.
scarred.
hacked.
cut.
chopped
and carved in.
it was still there.
It was still there!
pushing the ashes out of the way,
making room for sunlight
and water –
she nurtured it back to fullness,
she nurtured it back to life.
and she and her tree
held the sky and its moon
and together, they danced
and together, they grew.”

 

November 27, 2017

just a little gentler…

it’s yard waste day over here today.
yeah.
we really need a better name for it.
every monday the county comes and picks up
any yard stuff you got for them.

for me, for months now,
it’ll be leaves.
bins and bins of leaves.

i get carried away and end up with a fair amount of bins for the guys to dump in their truck.
each week they can count on stopping at our driveway.

i really enjoy the whole thing.
i enjoy filling them,
dragging them down,
bringing the empties back
and doin’ it again.
i don’t know why.
it’s my pea brain.
it doesn’t take much to entertain it sometimes.

i was outside riding around on the riding lawn mower
when they showed up today.
i didn’t realize they were there, and i came barreling around the corner
and saw them across the yard.

both guys had their backs to me and were dumping the bins in their truck.
but when they turned around, i caught the eye of one of ’em and waved.
he waved back.
the other never looked.

the one who waved back, set the bins in a little bit to keep them
outta the way, and he did it neatly.

i watched him set one in.
he did it so gently.
like he was taking care of my bins for me.

i really think he was.

the other guy wasn’t. wasn’t thinking about it. wasn’t caring.
which is fine.
i don’t expect him to.
don’t think i would if i was doin’ it.

but this gentle guy….he really caught my attention.
and got me thinking.
it took so little to do what he did.
and yet, it stood out so big time.

i tried to shout ‘thank you’ but it was too loud between my noise and their’s.
but gosh, i’m carrying such a thank you inside of me.

why? cause my bins were set down neatly?
nah.
it’s the gentleness he offered.
that mattered so much to me.

he’s got me thinking.
gentleness.
maybe you have to be thoughtful to offer gentleness.
that makes sense, right?
thoughtlessness doesn’t go with gentle.
thoughtfulness does.

so maybe if you’re gentle, you’re thoughtful.
and maybe it really doesn’t take that much extra to act from that place.

it’s just so much easier to throw the darn bin down tho, isn’t it?

gonna keep that image in my mind today.
and hopefully longer.
and try to place the bin down with care…
everywhere i go.

November 22, 2017

there it was

so, yeah,
we’ve all got our wounds.
i know mine.
have tried to heal what i can,
while understanding that some
healing will just take time.
and some healing will take more
time than i have.

i know that.
and i figure i know how they drive me.
altho, that’s pretty silly –
i don’t think we can ever really know all the ins and outs of how we work.

but i thought i had a pretty good idea.

but i tell ya, this morning something hit a panic button inside me.
i could just feel the panic running thru me.

i tried to be reasonable with myself,
but my panic doesn’t respond to reason.
it just wants to run around and wave its arms inside my veins
and make me cry.

and before long, it became really clear to me
that one of my wounds had opened and let the
panic out. what a visual, huh?!

and i could see so clearly that much healing was left to be done.
that the wound was filled with so much fear still.
almost like an infection.
and it wasn’t gonna be okay until i cleaned the infection.

i’m not sure how i’ll do that.
i really don’t know.
but i think being able to see it is helpful.

when i’m runnin’ smoothly, i don’t look.
so i guess there’s something to be said for the bumpy moments.

i’m still edgy.
not panicked. but not centered.
i have some errands to run.
think i’ll go ask the fear to join me.
maybe sit right down in the passenger side of the car and talk to me a bit.

not sure what good that will do.
but it’s a start.
and it seems kinda niftily symbolic –
if i want good things to be driving my life,
then maybe i have to start with taking fear and moving it to the passenger seat to talk.
and then heck, maybe i can pull over on the road somewhere
and let it out.
sooner or later anyway.

you can’t get anywhere unless you start.
so i think i’m off for a drive.

November 21, 2017

it’s time for some light in the darkness!

every year on november 20th,
i put up my christmas lights outside.
yeah, a wee bit early.

but i do it on that day,
because,
ten years ago,
my world lost a beautiful part of it.
she was only 18 and she couldn’t find her
way out of the darkness,
and we lost her.

i find hanging the lights healing and a gentle
way of honoring her.
my way of adding light to the dark.

i also know that christmas lights helped me when
my dad was dying. they were the one bright thing
that i could hold on to as i drove back and forth
to the hospital in the darkness.

they are definitely a significant symbol for me.

all my sons gathered last nite to help me hang them.
it’s not every year all three can be there.
but it happened this year.
and you can just imagine the feeling i had as i
watched them all joking and goofing and helping.
all three healthy and here.
there’s no greater gift.

i know that this season coming up is filled with hard
things for so many. (everyone, maybe?)

yet, i think if we all turned away from the darn hallmark stuff,
and turned to the light that is in this season, it could help instead
of hurt. it could soothe and offer some sense of peace.

the aches and sorrows aren’t going to go away.
but the reaching out towards one another and the finding
the light that does indeed shine thru the dark –
those things matter.
and we can make this season about that if we choose.

my neighbor came over joking with us about the lights and our
earliness in hanging them.
when i told him why we did it now, he got very serious.
very compassionate. and he said with much heart –
‘light ’em up, then! just light them right up!’

i will hold off a few more days, and then do just that.
i’m not sure why, but i like to have the few days of just
knowing they’re waiting. somehow it’s my own little vigil.

here’s to the season of light.
may we brighten one another’s darkness.
and may we keep our eyes on the stars.
and on the christmas lights shining so brightly.

 

November 20, 2017

holiday news and thanksgiving thoughts…

hey, guys!
don’t want you to miss
the monthly newsletter.
it’s filled with…well, umm…
news!

there’s a section of links from artists
in the bone sigh community.

there’s a little blurb on the new discounts
and shipping and holiday spruce ups that
the guys have done.

and there’s thanksgiving thoughts and memes.

don’t want you to miss it.
you can find it right here!

November 17, 2017

a story of love and cake…

‘i feel like it’s my job to love people.’
-amy n.

she called and asked if they could come down thursday nite. ‘sure!’ i said.

it’s not like we’ve done that many things together that we’d have a pattern – but with early work hours among the group, and traffic between our towns, weekends had always been picked. so it was a little unusual. but she said she had something to make me laugh. so, absolutely, time must be made for laughter!

she’s a great cook. and it’d be dinner time. i cook weird. i just do. i like to cook for myself as i can make whatever i like however i like and i enjoy it. but for other people? and for someone who is so into cooking and baking that she knows where the cooler spot in her oven is?! (or was it the hotter spot??) (seriously….i didn’t even know that there were spots in my oven other than the spots that i gotta clean eventually one of these days….) so okay. you get the idea. i quickly offered up soup and salad figuring that was safe and that man of mine could make any meat offerings that were needed… so i was covered.

but then i got to thinking… it’s one week from thanksgiving. maybe i can make it a little thanksgivingish and we can celebrate the holiday together. so i dug in a little, spruced up a bit and got into the idea. i was going to make sure i told them how grateful i was for them.  i wanted to take the opportunity to tell both of them that in the short time i’ve known them, they have both inspired me. i thought about them and how i felt about them as i fussed around getting ready.  love was already brewing.

and then they showed up. i opened the door to them holding a cake and a present and singing – are you ready?! – ‘happy HALF birthday to you!’

yes, i just said HALF birthday! it was six months since my birthday and six months til my next! my HALF birthday. the 16th. for real.

that’s enough to clap about right there!  and then there was the cake! the cake! the cake! well, there’s pictures at the end here. you can see for yourself. i have NEVER EVER seen a cake as incredible as this. truly. the sky was different shades of blue – just exactly as any sky lover would have created! and there were stars in that sky. and they looked like little stars! it even looked like constellations in the sky at different places – including the SIDES of the darn cake!! (honestly, that’s beyond me how you could get that to work – i have tried to get stuff on the sides before….) and the moon! the moon! the moon was alive and glowing! she caught the essence of the moon! how do you do that with frosting?! she made me a sky cake with a moon!

there was a card, there was a present, and these two sang happy birthday to me three (maybe four!) times!! oh my gosh.

you would think now the stage was set for me to tell them how much i appreciated them. right?! but i never ever did the toast thing i was gonna do. at one point i started to tell them, but it’s an energetic group – i got interrupted somehow and i never got back. the conversation just kept whirling around.  somewhere way down the winding path of our topics, around the table, she said she felt like it was her job to love people.

she wasn’t kidding. she means it. which is truly one of the most beautiful things you could possibly hear from someone sitting at your kitchen table. and she does it really really well.

how often do you get to be loved by someone who makes a life out of loving? that’s pretty awesome. her heart showed up in a thousand ways last nite. and it was beautiful. and something that adds to it all is how his heart dances with hers. how he was right there with her, smiling, holding the present out, singing and being a part of the beauty in his own gorgeous way. i love that part.

i never got a picture of her holding the cake. even tho she was holding it. yeah. what can i say?  honestly, i was overwhelmed. i so wish i had. but i got these! and she made me a memory last nite i won’t ever forget.  i think she’s really good at that as well.

yeah, i never got that toast out last nite. i hope when she reads this, she’ll know – she and her beautiful heart are appreciated. and both her and her man have added so much to my life in the brief time i’ve known them. and her job of loving people? well i don’t think there’s a more important job in the world – and our world so needs more people on this career path she’s chosen.

raising my cup to love, to friendship, to cakes and to amy – our memory maker!