journal

musings and ponderings…

October 4, 2019

updated versions

being the geek that my son is,
he came up with an idea inspired
from updated versions of software.

it combines nicely with his desire to ‘level up.’
it is a way to keep in mind that if you choose,
you can always be growing and changing and getting better.

and since it uses the number of your age,
your birthday is a day for this to come up in conversation.
he just recently turned 31,
so he calls this new version of himself the 3.1 version.

i love this!
so yes, i would be the 5.8 version.
i really really love this.

it came up with my husband’s birthday last nite.
altho, he isn’t quite as into it.
i think the number is kinda getting to him.
but! i love it.

and today, the weather changed.
and i’m cleaning.
and with this recent reminder of the updated versions,
and all this combining together –
the leveling up mood has taken over!
and it feels good!

i have been making some progress on adapting
an even healthier lifestyle.
and it actually is becoming a lifestyle.
so the fact that i can see some progress –
well, i’m feeling egged on to go deeper into all this
and keep on leveling up!

here’s the thing –
i’ve been workin’ on this healthier stuff for almost an entire year.
i’ve been slowing adapting and changing and tweaking,
and it’s only in the last WEEK that i feel it’s taken hold.
in the sense that i see progress enough to egg me on.

more than once i wondered if i ever would.
but knew that one way or another, i was making some good choices
and so stuck with it.

so in thinking about what it is i would want to hear today –
it is this –
don’t get discouraged if you’re not seeing results as quickly as you like.
make the choices you want in your life,
stick with them,
and believe you can get better and better.
be the best version you can of yourself.
what you are doing makes a difference.
one way or another – it makes a difference.

ha! yes!
fall weather has a great affect on me!
and so does my family!





October 3, 2019

heroes

apparently october 3rd is a pretty awesome day.
two of my heroes were born this day.
stevie ray vaughan
and my husband.
not bad, huh?!

so today will be a day of stevie music
and celebrating my man!

‘hero’ is a pretty big word.
cause, you know, that implies a pedestal.
and falling off of one.

but nah,
i don’t mean that.

i understand that heroes have to be human too.

and lately, we have been so very human.
it’s been hard.
really hard.
there’s been some major health stuff goin’ on.
thankfully, not life threatening,
and looks like it’s leaving and things will be okay.
for awhile, anyway.
so there is now a sense of relief washing in.

but there’s some things we need to learn.
and some muscles we need to tone.
and that’s where the hero part comes in.

perhaps an even bigger word than hero is ‘partner.’

i think i got my first taste of real partnering when i was
on my own raising my kids.
crazy, huh?
but i think that’s when it was.
the kids and i were partners in a lot of ways.
we really were. we had to be a team to make it.
and we formed one of the best teams i have ever seen.
but there’s still the mom factor. so that affects it all.
but i think i honed some skills thru that.

being with this guy of mine is the real deal. (little nod to stevie there)
it’s total partnering.

it’s being a team of a different sort.
and dealing with ALL that comes with that.
the glorious and the muddy.

my partner is my hero because i know he can get thru
the mud trenches with me.

and that doesn’t just happen.
it’s because of who he is.
and what he’s been thru.

birthdays, for me, are honoring the birthday person.
seeing them, celebrating them, valuing them.

there really are no words to describe the depths of
love and respect i have for this man.

but hero and partner work pretty darn well.

happy birthday, bob!
life is so much more because of your presence.

October 2, 2019

blame

blame

this bone sigh is our quote of the day today.

it was written with someone in mind.
someone who was big into blame.
and it was written as a wish.
a wish that the blame really could just be put down
so that moving forward would be possible.

but it was just a wish.
never happened.

since then, i have learned a lot about both blame
and punishment.

it really is the one who does that stuff that gets hurt.

i read this today and just kinda felt a twinge of sadness,
and also relief.

let the wind take that blame.
we all have places to go.

October 1, 2019

kinda simple…and not.

i got to take an early morning
bike ride with my son today.

i not only got inspired by the complete beauty
all around me, i got inspired by something he said.

we were talkin’ about bone sighs at one point,
and he mentioned that i should pay attention
to putting out stuff that *i* want to hear

you know, sort of work on creating my own
corner of the world – a corner i would want to
go to and sit in.

i want to say that’s always been the idea.
but i don’t know. maybe. maybe not.
i think maybe it’s been real similar to that,
but maybe worded differently?
don’t know.

one way or another, it’s got me thinking.

all morning.
and wondering what it is i want to hear.

and i think it is this –

take some time and sit with yourself.
offer yourself some compassion.
for real.
sit and hear yourself. and what you’re feeling.
offer yourself compassion.
which, if done for real, is actually offering yourself
UNDERSTANDING and ACCEPTANCE isn’t it?

and if you can understand and accept what is going on
inside of you, then you can ask for what you need.
either inside of you or outside of you.

listen.
with kindness.
ask.
with kindness.
listen.
with kindness.

yeah, that’s what i would like to hear today.
so maybe someone else would like to hear it as well.

September 30, 2019

a little more mark…

i read this today and just loved it –
thought i’d share.

it’s from my man, mark nepo!

“If we live long enough, the fire we carry
dies down, and the light we’re left with
coats our darkness. I feel certain that we
knew this in the beginning, but wanting
so many things made us forget.”

September 26, 2019

the key book

i had an early morning coffee meet up today.
so i decided to go a little extra early
for some coffee time with myself first.

i grabbed some of my journals that i scribble in.
one of them is a specific journal –
it’s called ‘keys.’
i tossed them in my big ol’ bag,
and off i went.

as i drove i was kinda wishin’ that i had
kept myself more together over the last few weeks
instead of falling into the deep o’l pit that i had landed in,
and have been climbing out of ever since.

but i stopped that thinking pretty quickly.
‘nooooo, that’s not right,’ i told myself.
sometimes life is like being in a boxing ring.
yeah, sometimes it is.
and sometimes you’re just gettin’ jabbed and punched
and hit over and over.
you can’t stop and think then.
you just kinda do what you can to get thru.
that’s just the way it works.

but then – if you haven’t been knocked out,
all that action slows down.
and when that hard stuff slows down,
you get to think a bit about your next move.
and THAT’S where you are now, girl.

you can actually step back,
assess what’s goin’ on,
review your own moves,
and figure out your plan.

i got out of the car, deciding that i would try to
just be led – to do more listening than thinking
as i had this time with myself.
‘just let whatever i need come to me.’

as i snuggled in for some alone time,
i slipped my hand in that big ol’ purse of mine
and, sure enough, pulled out the key journal.

opened it up to the very first page.
and found this –

trust in yourself –

– to handle whatever life gives you.
– to hear your heart and follow it.
-to make, keep and stand in your boundaries.
-that you keep getting stronger.

don’t just know you trust.
live as if you do.
act as if you do.

i just sat there with it.
well, shoot, i thought,
i shoulda pulled this out a month ago!

and i smiled.
nope.
cause you weren’t ready right then.
you had to get knocked about a bit first.
and….now…..it’s the perfect time.
trust that as well.

and then i read this –

Listen
to yourself.
to others.
deeply.
intently.
without distraction.

i think i need to have coffee breaks with myself
much more often.

listening.
trusting.
and continuing the climb up and out of the pit.


September 25, 2019

lots to learn

i am learning

so i thought this was pretty straightforward.
maybe not easy,
but straightforward.

oh for pete’s sakes.
really?
is anything in life straightforward?!

certainly not enough things, anyway.

and i found myself in one of those non-straightforward
moments this morning.
and here’s how i figured out what i wanted to do –
i turned something around,
put it on me,
and asked myself what it is i would want from someone else
if the roles were reversed in this situation?

and my answer was clear.

i used to do that with mothering when the kids were little –
when it came to discipline and funky moments that really
felt like there were no clear answers –
i would ask myself how would i want to be treated if i were
feeling upset like they were. or how i would want to be treated
if i was experiencing the same thing.
and i always found my answer.

i know!
it is totally the ‘do unto others’ thang from the bible!
go figure!

so there it was.
clarity in the mud.
and i made my choice.
and i feel like i honored who it is i am.

and i see that this is no easy task.
yet something i really want to keep tackling.
every single day of my life.



September 24, 2019

our presence

‘my guy’

it is my middle son’s birthday today.
and the numbers these guys are reaching
are getting outta hand.

each one of my guys is totally different
from the other. which makes things fun.

i got to thinking about the impact that noah
has had on all of our lives.

i realized that his brothers would be totally different people if
noah had never been born.
then i thought about how different i would have been.
and then my mind just kept goin’ on and on and on with this.
and it’s just kinda stunning to think about that for a bit.

and this goes for every single one of us.
we have absolutely no idea of how life would be changed
without our presence.

yes, it brings the movie ‘it’s a wonderful life’ to mind, doesn’t it?!

we just don’t know.
and maybe, once in awhile, perhaps on our birthdays,
we should hold that for a moment or two.

our presence matters.
and what we do with that presence makes a difference.

i feel like that’s a really cool thought to put out here
on this special day.

i’m celebrating noah and all he adds to this world!
and i’m celebrating every single one of us as well!
here’s to the gift of presence! here’s to the gift of each other!

September 23, 2019

being human

i feel like i got a big ol’ look
at people this weekend.

there was just a lot going on.
maybe i was out in the world a bit more than usual.
or maybe my senses were heightened to it all –

who the heck knows.
one way or another…
people definitely filled my view, my ears and my heart –
and boggled my mind a bit.

sometimes it feels like we’re just walking issues.
and if anyone cares to pay attention,
the issues can be read right off of each person.

and sometimes it seems like if we slowed down
and did that more,
we’d be a lot more aware of the need for kindness.

altho, i gotta say,
i didn’t always feel like offering kindness.
there were times i just wanted to put my foot out
and trip someone flat into rethinking what they were doing.
ahem.
yeah.
okay, so that was my first impulse.
ahem.
second one is usually a little deeper and more kind.
usually.

as i watch,
i get convinced more and more that getting ourselves
as healthy as we can – mind, body and spirit –
really really matters.
and i see that being sunk in a sea of issues makes that very difficult.

i drove this morning.
among the trees and sky.
right now that feels like a need.
i think it’s helping me drive out of some of my own issues.
i found myself with one hand over my heart –
just opening to the world around me.

we gotta keep opening.
we gotta keep seeing each other.
we gotta keep seeing ourselves.
and we gotta gotta gotta be gentle.

i really think so.