journal

musings and ponderings…

May 10, 2017

took me long enough…

how come i never thought of this before?
i mean, i created birthday MONTH!
have all my guys convinced that we just keep
celebrating, and am referred to as the queen
of birthdays.

i paint up signs for everyone’s birthday for every
year as long as i can remember! we’re talkin’ way
back to my days as a kid.

so how come i never ever painted up a sign for myself??
and decorated for myself??

i do that for all my family.
and i guess somewhere in my head i figured
that someone ELSE needs to do it for you.

okay.
that’s important right there to stop and think about.
WHY?

and how many things do we think of just like that?
that someone else needs to do it for us?

why don’t we do these things for ourselves?

i’m really really serious here.
what IS that about?
and i’m thinking we need to pay attention to that!

i got a gift box in from a friend yesterday with such celebratory packing,
that i decorated my living room table with it all.
and as i did so, i thought ‘hey! i should decorate!’

and the more i think about it, the more convinced i am.

i’m celebrating being here.
i’m celebrating this incredible gift of living.
i’m celebrating my life!

i should decorate!

and you  know what?
i’m thinking every single one of us should be doing this
for our special days. we shouldn’t be waiting for anyone else
on this. this is too important. and what a great message
to send yourself – that you know it matters, and you got it covered.

it’s no small gift we got here.
let’s honor it!

before i go to bed tonite, i will have done just that!

 

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May 9, 2017

‘expand your focus,’ he says

i went to two of my sons today
to get some thoughts from them.
i had something bothering me
and wanted to figure out how to use it to grow.

i honestly just didn’t know how.
or what to do with it.

later, i plan on asking my other son
and my partner.

i think every single one of ’em will have
something valuable to offer.
which is so darn cool, isn’t it?
to have people to go to and say ‘this is buggin’ me.
how do i take it and learn from it? what do i do with it?’

well, that right there is a gift.
and then what you get back….ohmygosh.

one of the things that was said stands out
as something good to offer here today.

it’s  something i think i could use reminding of
over and over again – maybe we all could.

it was this –

‘expand your focus. make your awareness broader.
see the bigger picture. make your world bigger.’

i love these guys of mine.

that’s good isn’t it?!

when my world shrinks, i shrink.
and when i expand my focus,
this thing that was bothering me doesn’t seem so big.
actually, it seems quite small.

and the only way i can keep that feeling
is by keeping my awareness bigger –
by intentionally not shrinking to a smaller world.

i look at the candle lit on my desk.
lit for a friend who is really sick.
i look down at my healthy hands typing.

expand your awareness.
see the bigger picture.
make your world bigger.

and yet again, my sons make my world brighter.

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May 8, 2017

annnnnnd stretch!

i am absolutely convinced that it’s all about
the stretching. that life is so much better when
you stretch – both physically and mentally.

as i rapidly approach my 56th birthday,
my body is screaming at me to stretch more.
and i’m listening. i’m in. i want it. i’m on it.

and as i watch those around me, i am convinced
that stretching my mind and my heart is what’s
gonna allow me to be the human i want to be as i grow old.

i work on that kinda thing cause i want to,
it interests me, and it’s gotten to be a bit of a darn hobby.

but just as i think my physical mobility will be drastically
affected by my physical stretching,
i really believe the exact same thing holds true for my inner happiness.

can inner happiness be inner mobility?
maybe!
maybe it’s the ability to roll with life.
maybe it’s what keeps you from shrinking inside yourself
and crippling yourself by only seeing a tiny world.

huh.
inner mobility.
outer mobility.

i want ’em, babty!

we do choose a whole lot of who we turn into.
we’re not victim to a whole lotta the things we think we are.

that’s clear to me as i sit here on this start of the week.
and what a wonderful feeling to really believe and
to truly want to work on.
and to know my birthday is right around the corner,
and i just want to keep getting better.

toasting stretching, growing and getting better and better!

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May 5, 2017

it’s all in the angle…

i went out to sit with the pouring rain this morning.
thought i’d do it the grown up way and sit on my
porch and stay dry. have a little breakfast and
just calmly reflect on life and the beauty of the rain.

yeah, well…that didn’t last but a few moments.

i noticed the gutters weren’t draining right.
and  knowing there was more rain to come,
heavy at times,
i figured ‘well…….whattya gonna do?’
and i came in to get a jacket and the proper shoes.

normally i wear my wellies to go out in the rain.
but it was warm enough – and well – i REALLY
wanted to enjoy it. so i grabbed the plastic cloggy
shoes with the holes in ’em. slipped my barefeet in,
rolled up my jeans, and went off to grab the ladder.

as i slopped back to the house, totally immersed in water,
i had such a smile on my face.
i love being able to take care of a house problem on my own.
and i was feelin’ like the house’s hero.
and i love bein’ out in the rain, and today was too busy
for me to indulge in my walk – and yet, here i was!
in it anyway! ha! a double whammy!

when i got up there to see what was what….i saw
there was a lotta lotta lotta gunk.

plunging my bare hands into the muck – i laughed out loud.
throwin’ it down into plunking blots on the ground proved a great
delight!  the sound of it hitting the earth really made you feel
like you were truly unclogging the biggest of clogs.

the river ran strong and quick once the clogs were undone.
and i said ‘ohhh boats!’ out loud to the rain.
and realized i could float little things down the gutter
and race them….just like what we used to do in the streets
when i was a kid and with my own kids!
it was like the grown up version!

i’m in now.
drying off.
and thinking how much i enjoyed that.
i got a ton to do and need to run around and do it all.
here’s the thing –
how come i can do some things with such relish and others
with no relish whatsoever??

granted….some of it is just gonna be hard to relish –
but some of it just needs a little tweak in attitude.

what if i can be a hero of my work?
or a hero of myself?
or just delight in getting the chance to slop around in life?

there really are so many chances for us to learn how to delight in life.
i want to grab more of them!

here’s to a weekend of finding them and embracing them!

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May 4, 2017

the nature of it all…

it has been the most gorgeous few days here.
you can’t help but get wrapped in the glory
that is bursting forth everywhere.

i was recently sitting in my garden
thinking about how all the plants just
come alive as if they’d never been asleep.
they’re just back!
and how they’re filled with such energy.

it made me think of the cycles of nature
and the cycles of me.

i completely trust nature’s cycles.
i know they’re there, and i appreciate all the
differences between them.

and wow…..how much i don’t do that for myself.

bam.

something to think about, isn’t it?!

 

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May 3, 2017

weekly news…

wanted to pop in the weekly email here.
it’s yet another nudge to nurture yourselves
and to thank those around you who have helped
you with your journey.

workin’ hard on making these holidays
something that all of us can enjoy!

check it out here!vine_200x67

May 2, 2017

zesty

the winds came in last nite.
nothing dangerous.
just complete delight.
i had trouble sleeping.
there was so much energy in the air.
i lay there and listened and felt it.
i wanted to be in it.

and today it feels like the aura of the earth
has been cleansed.

it’s an incredible feeling.

i’m loving it.

and i learned something.

next time i feel that feeling –
no matter what time it is –
i’m going to go out in it.
dance in it.
be in it.

this time i watched from the window.
which was delicious.
but i didn’t go out cause i was in my jammies
and i really needed to go to sleep.

i didn’t sleep.
and it was dark. and late.
jammies woulda been fine.

i learned something.
grab the gifts when they’re given.
embrace them.
and dance with all your might.

got it.
i’m in!

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May 1, 2017

it’s okay.

we took yet another tree down.
it had to go, and i knew it.
i was sad, but understood.

we all gathered the tools and talked plans
and everyone got busy.

then my son climbed up in it.
just like he did twenty years ago.
and all the memories came flooding in.

i could see the kids. could hear their voices.
remembered the times way back when.

the tears came to my eyes.
i bent over my work so no one could see.
i cut branches into piles and thought
about how so much has passed and so much is over.

later, that same son was talking to another
and they were figuring out how to do something
and rope was mentioned.
and one said to the other ‘hold the rope up, ned.’
and they laughed.

and i just sorta stopped and soaked it in.

that’s a line from a story an online friend told over 15 years ago.
the kids had loved it and that particular line has never been forgotten.

they had no idea, but my sons gave me such a gift at that moment.

i felt like the universe was telling me, thru them – which truly is the
best way of all –

that the stuff that really mattered wouldn’t be lost.
the memories and the family threads and the inside jokes
and quotes and closeness will always stay.

the tree could go.
it was time.
the other stuff? the stuff that really mattered –
that was here.
and it wasn’t goin’ anywhere.

what a gift that moment was.

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April 28, 2017

let’s shop!

yeah!
what the heck!
enough of this inner work –
let’s shop!

altho…that’s the best thing about
this particular shopping –
it INCLUDES inner work!

yep!
it’s a good weekend to shop for mother’s day stuff.
but what if you don’t like your mama?
what if you didn’t know your mama?
what if you’re missing your kids?
what if you didn’t get to have kids?
does the holiday suck?!

no way!

cause you know i got you covered –
i think we should be mothering ourselves.
yep!
and i think we should be getting ourselves little reminders
that we matter. along with getting things to tell our friends
that they nurture us and we value them.

i honestly believe this matters.
and yes, i would love to sell five million things this weekend.
yes, i would.
but beyond all that, i am filled with a renewed sense of wanting
the bone sighs to be out there egging us all on to honor ourselves.
that idea tickles me.

so i’m boldly shouting out to you – let’s shop! and let’s make sure
we include ourselves in the gift giving process. if you click on the
mother’s day section of the site, you’ll see there are items there to
remind us about mothering ourselves! there is indeed something
for everyone!

m's day ad

April 27, 2017

a moment

i live in the suburbs.
it’s plenty populated.
i can WALK to TWO different grocery stores.
i am surrounded by highways.
it’s never completely quiet.

that’s important to know when i talk about my walks.

they’re not out on some quiet peaceful country road.

so when there’s a moment in the walk that is really special
and at the same time, feels super quiet –
and there’s no cars going by me and no one’s around –
well, that is just a piece of heaven.

and i gotta say, i had one heck of a slice of heaven this morning.

i mentioned it on facebook.
but ohhhh i’m not done talkin’ about it!

it happened unexpectedly.
i was just walkin’ along.

it was still dark.
but as i turned a corner and gazed at the sky,
i realized i was looking at THE MOMENT when the day woke up.

i could just feel it.
i described it on facebook as the moment when you’re in bed
and you wake up and stretch. your arms go above your head,
your legs go out straight and your eyes squinch up tight…
and then…
you release the tension of the stretch, and open your eyes.

i caught the morning opening her eyes.

right then.

i was there for it.

and i stopped walking and whispered ‘wow. i’m here for this. wow.’

and i understood the gift that i had been given and the gift of the day
ahead of me. and my entire being just filled with that. all alone. out
there on the street, staring at the sky.

i headed down toward the little drainage ditch i call frog pond.
a developer had the same imagination i have as there’s a paved path
around it as if it’s a park lake or something.

it was darker down there.
i pictured the day as a magnificent woman in a white night gown
getting up out of bed. she went straight off to brush her teeth,
and her gown hadn’t brushed up against the pond yet.
for you see, it’s not until some part of her brushes up against
whatever’s dark, does it begin to light up and fill with day.

‘she hasn’t got this far yet.’ i thought.
and pictured her white gown swooshing down the hall towards
her toothbrush and hair brush.
knowing as soon as she washed her face, she’d be back around
to brush up against the pond and light it up.

‘i’m here before her.’ i thought.

and then i thought of us all.
in our pj’s or night gowns or whatever,
getting up for the day,
and how we have the power to light up our worlds
and light up the things in them by brushing against them
or touching them in a way that brings out love.

yeah, we gotta get dressed, brush our teeth, put on our work clothes…
but then……then…..
every thing we touch can light up under our very fingertips.

what an incredible thing to consider!

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