journal

musings and ponderings…

August 5, 2019

no easy task.

to put the fear down
and really listen –

it’s a task i feel that must be done.
it means sitting down and hearing ugliness and darkness.
and it means staying there trying to hear all the layers mixed in there.
trying to search for what matters mixed in with things that normally
scare me away before i can find out.

sometimes i wonder if i have the strength to do it.
mostly i just know i have to try.


August 2, 2019

more than enough…

so, okay,
i’ve seen all the stuff that says that i am enough.
i have written my own stuff about being enough.

but how about it all being MORE than enough?!

i love that.
and read that from mark nepo yesterday.
wanted to share this quote for anyone else who also
wants to take it into their weekend –

‘perhaps one of the hardest remedies to accept for our pain of becoming
is that wherever we are in our path – no matter how flawed or incomplete –
is a blossoming unto itself. however much we’ve done at the end of the day
is more than enough; it is dream becoming truth.’


bam.
dream becoming truth.
bam.

pretty darn good, huh?
once again, thank you, mark nepo!


August 1, 2019

a memory

the quote of the day today
brought back quite a memory.
one of those memories that hits
full force and you’re back there,
right in the moment.

it was written way way back in the edge between
my old life and my new life.

it was written for the counselor who would go from
my marriage counselor to my own individual counselor.

in a time where i felt completely out there on my own,
unseen by those i so wanted to see –
she was right there.
letting me know she saw.
she saw me.
the situation.
and my pain.
she saw me in the most profound way.
in a way i needed so badly.

that first moment i felt this came back to me this morning.
and i actually teared up.

the power of seeing each other.
i think we forget.
we must.
cause i think we’d be more intent on hearing each other
if we didn’t forget. we’d be more intent on letting each other know.
wouldn’t we?

but there are moments when we get it right.
and we do this for another.
i have tried hard to pay this gift forward.

but this morning was such a gorgeous reminder –
to keep it in mind.
offer this to people.
and accept it with such gratitude when it is offered to me.

it’s one of the most beautiful gifts of being human.

she looks


July 31, 2019

so many reminders…

i really just need to pay attention.
ya know?
there are reminders everywhere.

i went out to pull the recycling bin off the street.
back to its resting place.
my head was full of politics,
people, frustration,
bewilderment,
and chaos.

and then.
right there.
right above where the recycling bin goes –
is this beautiful white flower.

i smile.
put the bin in place.
and start to walk away.

then i back up.
and go look at the flower.
REALLY look at the flower.

and that’s when i heard the reminder –
about what really matters.
i came in and made this meme.
wanted to share.

and remind myself.
don’t just smile at a reminder, terri.
back up and look.
open your eyes.
and hear.

yeah.
i need to remember this.


July 30, 2019

a big deal for me…

so, okay,
the originals that the bone sigh prints came from –
those are like my babies, ya know?

i don’t know what exactly i thought i’d do with them.
it’s not like i can hang them all up in my house!
so i figured it was time to offer them up for sale.

and that feels like such a big deal to me.

thought i’d start off with one that really hits my heart.
created in 2006!
want to see?
you can find this and soon others over in my etsy shop.

July 29, 2019

a little perspective.

i don’t want to be a drama queen here.
so, honestly, i’m not tryin’ to make this
into some really big deal.
so, seriously, it actually was nothing big.

it’s just that it truly shook me,
and truly put my focus into perspective.
and because of all that, it was something
big to me. but physically, i’m fine.

so, i fell this weekend.
down at the boat ramp.
in the dark.
on the slimy wet cement.
i felt it happening,
tried hard not to go down,
but every movement just brought me
into more slippery slime.

and bam.
i went down hard.

my hand saved my head.
my hand got between my head and the cement.
and in all honesty, i think it saved me from something bad.
quite possibly really bad.

and that wasn’t lost on me.
i was really shook up.
and really impressed with what happened.

i forget how quickly things can change.
in just one moment, everything can change.
i like to forget that.
it’s something that is truly unnerving,
so i forget it as often as i can.
but i was totally reminded in a way i couldn’t ignore.
and since then, i keep thinking how lucky i am.
and looking at everything with eyes of big time gratitude.

there was something else that made as big an impression.
somehow in that second or two of falling,
i was aware that my head was gonna hit the cement.
and somehow, without really knowing how,
i got my hand in between them.

i honestly tear up when i think of that.
i saved myself.
now….of course….one can argue that i slipped
in the first place! hardly saving myself there.
but! the reaction,
without even thinking it thru,
was to save myself.

i can’t even tell you how moved i am by that.

i don’t even know why.
i mean, isn’t that our instinct?
we do it without even thinking.
so why would i get any credit for it?
i don’t know.
but i’m giving myself credit for it.
and i’m taking it.

i feel like it was such a statement to myself.

i have been actively working on appreciating
my body. really marveling at it and being grateful
for it. and trying to take care of it.

i felt, somehow, that i just claimed my worth with
that fall. like i claimed it out loud to myself. and
maybe along with claiming my worth –
i also claimed that i will do what i need to in order
to protect myself.

how weird is that?
i don’t even know how to describe it.
and i figure i sound kinda goofy.
but it’s what i honestly feel.
so i wanted to put it out here.

instinct, yeah.
so why do i feel so moved about it?

i think i just want to trust that.
i want to just know that i couldn’t be feeling
this impacted without there being some truth
to what i’m feeling.

this happened saturday nite.
monday morning, when i type about it,
i am still moved to tears.

and realizing how grateful i am for that fall.
a little banged up,
a whole lotta moved,
and really really grateful.

July 26, 2019

the gold list…

i had an idea yesterday.
and i’m thinking i need to remember this
for whenever i feel like i’m going into a
challenging time –

i’m gonna put up a list somewhere.
quite possibly on the fridge.
where i write down the gold nuggets that are found
in the middle of the struggle.

i truly believe there’s gold in darkness.
you just gotta look.

thing is –
this time it’s not really my struggle.
i’m doin’ this with someone i love.
so they look for the gold nugget, report it to me,
i record it, and we keep a gold list.

talk about a good focal point.

i’m thinking i may have a fridge covered in gold lists!
anyone who needs my support, well this could give us
something to really do together.
and for myself? absolutely!
i can do it for when i struggle…or maybe just do it
as part of my day!

this seems like a pretty handy idea, doesn’t it?!
ha!
care to join me?
let’s do it!

July 25, 2019

watching…

i have an up close and personal
view of a drama being played out.
an ugly one.

one that’s definitely reminding me
that good doesn’t always win.

it’s too early to tell.
and it could take a lot of twists and turns yet.
and i am still so definitely rooting for good.

but i think what i gotta do is remind myself
that what really matters is that thru it all
i help the one i care about to be their best selves
as they navigate their way.

and that i support them by being mine.

that’s really hard sometimes, isn’t it?
which reminds me of my post yesterday about personal power.

it’s our choice over and over to be who we want to be.
and maybe choosing our highest selves is the only win
we need to be concerned with.

i wonder if it’s time for me to be dipped into that lesson
pretty good right now. i think it might be.

okay.
i’m in
bring it.


July 24, 2019

your power

there are a thousand and one bone sighs
written about finding your power,
staying in your power,
living your power.
ya know?

all of them have come from an intuitive spot.
i am not sure i ever sat back and said ‘okay, terri,
what exactly do you mean by the word ‘power’?’

so today i did.
exactly that.
i sat back and asked myself.

the process to finding my answer was pretty funny.
i had some coffee and felt nice and animated about it all.

here’s what i came up with –
power, for me, is making the choice of being who i want to be,
in any situation i find myself in.

so, i can be in the most stressful, chaotic situation,
where i have no control over any of the events happening outside of myself and yet, i turn inward and intentionally ask myself –
‘terri, who is it you want to be right now?’

that ‘intentional’ part seems pretty important –
it’s having the awareness to make the choice.
the choice can be incredibly difficult.
but you don’t even get the chance to make that choice
if you don’t have the awareness to do so.

and for me, having the awareness doesn’t just happen.
it’s something that i work on thru writing, and pondering, and
walking and thinking and listening and all the stuff that i do.

all of that gives me the opportunity to have the awareness to
make the choice. as well as the clarity inside to know what choice
it is that i want to make, even when it’s really really hard.

(and none of this means i pull this off successfully on a steady basis!)

there is a ‘center’ there i act from,
but it certainly doesn’t feel like i’m ‘centered’ when i do so.
i think of being centered as standing in a calm knowing.
and that’s rarely where i am when i feel compelled to ask myself who
it is i want to be.

which i find really cool too.
because now, the next question i have to ask myself
(and haven’t yet as i’m still sitting with the power one!)
is – ‘terri, what exactly do you mean by the word ‘centered’?’

ha!
how fun is this?!
what words are you tossing around for yourself that you haven’t yet
figured out the meanings for?! my gosh, this could be quite exciting!

July 23, 2019

paying more attention

i live in maryland.
our state flower is the black eyed susan.
i have never been impressed with this choice.

perhaps it’s because they grow all over,
they’re drought resistant (mostly),
they spread like crazy.
they bloom a long time.
and when they seem done,
just cut them down and they come right back and bloom again.

excuse me?
isn’t that EXACTLY why i should have been impressed in the first place?

those are some awesome qualities.

but until yesterday evening,
i wasn’t impressed.

i have them in my yard in strategic spots.
if i didn’t like them,
i wouldn’t have them.
but i have to say,
they have been one of the most taken for granted plants i have.

not anymore.

yesterday a storm started blowing in.
like, REALLY blowing in.
i went to go sit on my front stoop to watch it,
but it had spit enough rain to take that seat away from me.
so i went to my living room window,
stood there,
eyes to the sky,
feelin’ the breeze on my face.

and then….
i glanced over to the black eyed susans.
and by golly,
they were GLOWING.
the were positively glowing.
i was just stunned.
i kept staring at them.
how had i not noticed this before?

today is overcast.
perhaps i really needed the darker skies to see this –
but they’re glowing again.

honestly, it’s like they soaked up a ton of sun and are just
beaming it out to the sky.

i will never look at one of these flowers the same again.

little sun holders.
that’s what these things are.

yeah, nice terri.
but really?
a blog post about it?

yeah.
really.
because –

the amount of NON THINKING that i do,
the amount of NON NOTICING that i do,
the lack of awareness in so many tiny things
of every single day is a bit overwhelming.
good thing i’m not aware enough to really understand it.
i don’t think i’d get outta bed.
but i am aware enough to see that this really needs to change.

and one of my big stumbling blocks is just assuming i THINK
something about a particular thing.

i was doin’ some writing about that very idea this morning.
and i realized something that i would have called a ‘thought’ of mine,
really wasn’t thinking, but rather just slapping a hope over a fear and then
calling it my thought.

no.
no.
no.
that doesn’t work.

once we find these things, we can change them.
it’s the finding them that’s the hard part.

i found this last nite,
and i am delighted to be checking these flowers out over and over today.

next time you find yourself saying ‘i think…’
see if you really do.

we may be amazed at what we find.