journal

musings and ponderings…

December 7, 2015

oh holy nite…

so okay,
yes, i have had birth on my mind.
yes, i have been reminiscing about the birth
of my first born.
yes, i was feeling the holy in it.

and then i heard the song ‘oh holy nite.’

and for the first time ever,
i put it onto all birth.
every birth of every child.

i don’t want to offend anyone as i know the song is important
to a lot of people.
i don’t mean any disrespect.
in fact, quite the opposite,
i mean such amazing respect and awe.
for life.

i thought of all the possibilities when a baby is born.
i thought of the holiness of those newborn eyes.
i thought of the amazing miracle the whole darn birth process is.

and i fell in love with the song in a whole new way.

kinda nice.
and a really nifty birthday present as i remember
the birth of my first born…

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December 6, 2015

30

blue.
so dark blue it freaked dad out.
how on earth did i not worry?
how on earth did i see only beauty?
but there you were.
pinking right up.
only beauty.
a miracle.
our miracle.
our blue squawking miracle.
the first and only time real euphoria hit.
every cell on fire with pure joy.
waving a red lollipop in every direction,
proclaiming your arrival.
now what?
what do we do with him?
he’s crying.
what do we do?
the newborn smell.
colic
no sleep.
colic.
no sleep.
solution to the colic.
relief.
little sleep.
little eyes.
secrets of the world deep inside.
talking.
long before you could say words.
we talked and talked.
shared our days.
oatmeal.
tuna sandwiches.
striped pants.
growing.
playing in the grass.
slides and sand.
picking the rose you knew you shouldn’t.
wandering the woods.
running away from home to the woods.
learning the trees.
bird calls.
playgrounds.
chrissy.
becky.
sterling and betsy.
baby buggies.
little brother.
moving.
growing.
running trucks thru the house.
we could be loud again.
another little brother.
the tree house.
the gardens.
water towers.
swings.
tom barb.
tai chi.
excavating.
growing.
our pool.
horseflies.
sawing.
building.
fixing.
growing.
the flu.
and the flu a thousand times over.
colds.
books.
libraries.
the phantom tollbooth.
bingo brown.
books and books and books and books.
so shy.
hide behind my legs.
train club.
good men taking your shyness away.
the extrovert comes out.
as does the nerd.
bird watching.
fossils.
astronomy.
math frustrations.
kitchen doors.
camping vacations.
growing.
girls.
church and girls.
dances and girls.
sierra club and girls.
tie dye sneakers.
cannibal kings.
duct tape.
IMing all nite.
barber of seville.
the play.
driving.
mary b. legs.
the beltway.
hotlicks.
paul, mary, garret, mike, joe, gene.
guitars.
ozzy.
sadness, fear, heartbreak.
tears, anger, confusion.
team building.
talking.
talking.
hurting.
talking.
hurting.
talking.
more ozzy.
engines in the kitchen.
ernie on the phone.
car parts everywhere.
growing.
more team building.
air compressors.
making things happen.
barbara’s passing.
depths of sadness.
stars of light.
goodness.
pain.
love.
sorrow.
guitars.
bands.
music.
growing.
teaching.
bars.
leather pants.
those darn women whose names i can’t remember.
i blocked them.
guitar students in the house.
robby everywhere.
guitars.
more bands.
more bars.
teaching.
students.
teaching.
growing.
guitars.
gigs.
bob walks in.
schematics and bob.
chaos and bob.
dogs and bob.
peeing and bo.
dean and the hamham.
robin shaking.
talking.
talking.
talking.
crinkly loud late nite steps past noah.
gigs.
growing.
your own home.
down a long hallway.
by the river.
that you once fought for.
grampa.
hospitals.
who dies?
life lessons.
growing.
a note scribbled with such pain,
bearing horrible news.
sadness.
growing.
growing.
growing.
teaching.
little josh.
walks.
runs.
riverside.
‘two weeks.’
‘joshua.’
street music.
homeless people.
kindness.
kindness exchanges.
train trips.
city trips.
new york.
philly
richmond.
radio shows.
connections.
train conductors.
connections.
subway people.
connections.
corey.
tara.
mike the spike.
lunches at menk.
growing.
touching people here and there.
deeply.
forgetting the importance of that.
then remembering.
conversations with students.
students returning.
letting you know the impact.
old people letting you know the impact.
kids.
teens.
elderly.
homeless.
vets.
lost.
found.
lonely.
touching.
touching.
touching.
chopping wood.
chopping.
chopping.
chopping.
shooting.
bang.
phoosh!
coconuts.
warmth.
laughter.
thoughtfulness.
sadness.
sorrow.
friendship.
growing.
life.
a blink.
so loved.
abundant.
not.
short.
long.
30.
josh.

December 4, 2015

so we had a little talk…

i sat with myself this morning
and had a little talk.
‘what are you feeling?
‘what’s goin’ on?
‘how do you really feel about things?’
‘where are you with life?

is there a reason i don’t do this more often?
it certainly seems like a good thing to do.

it was nice.
i was knitting.
so i could kinda ‘do’ something at the same time
and just let my thoughts wander.

and at this point,
i gotta say,
i’m pretty well convinced that i’m entering
the stages of something new.

i don’t want to say ‘being a crone’ –
because,
well,
that’s OLD.
and that implies wisdom.

and if i say ‘the winter years’
that also implies old age.
and i’m not quite there yet.

so whatever stage it is before you’re
too old, before any wisdom really sets in,
and before winter hits –

whatever transition stage that is,
i think i’m entering.

and i feel like what i’m here to learn
is the watching the all.

not holding it,
but watching it.
to learn how to feel sorrow at the same
time i feel joy. to learn how to let sadness
be present as i laugh from my gut.

to really get good at that.

i feel like i’ve just entered the classroom.
and haven’t even sat down yet.
but i’m in the room.
wondering if i can step out to the hall,
go to the water fountain and hide a bit…..
but really truly wanting to just sit down and learn.

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December 3, 2015

an angel came thru…

you know how sometimes you land in a place
of ohhhhh…..i don’t know…..
a mixture of sadness with maybe a tiny bit
of loneliness and maybe mix in self doubt
or just plain confusion? all the while moving
in places of joy that you can wrap yourself
in as well?

does that describe it?
it’s not all bleak.
it’s just way heavy along with the good.
way shaky mixed in between the safe moments.
and well….it’s a lot to balance.

and it gets me confused sometimes.

and sometimes when hit with too much sorrow,
i can feel myself topple.
like as i drove the short distance to the
post office this morning.
i popped on the radio only to land into the news.
story after story that kept tearing at my heart.

i wanted to pull over and just sob.
but instead, went in with a smile on my face
and said hello to everyone.

hit the next stop, the grocery store,
equally as friendly and cheery.

but all the time feelin’ this heaviness
that i didn’t know what to do with.

and then a customer’s call turned things around.
he had a question about an order,
but there was something about his voice that
just felt good.

not only that,
he was ordering one of my favorite quotes.
one of the quotes i need to read over and over
today. the quote called knowing.

and as we chatted,
he reminded me of the light, the dark,
and the knowing.
he reminded me exactly of what the quote
was talking about.

honest to pete,
it was like he was an angel that just popped
in to remind me to keep the knowing.
to remind me that i am indeed going in the
direction i want to go. and that it did matter.

he was my living quote.

and that too, reminded me of the magic all
around. if i only open to it.

it’s there.
we just need to know it.

thanking my angel today.
and chanting ‘knowing’ to myself over and over!

maybe it’s not about the darkness.and maybe it’s not about the light.maybe it’s about the knowing.the knowing there is sacred always.even when you can’t see it.maybe it’s the knowing that’s the holy part.”

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December 2, 2015

that time of year

well it seems it hit ‘that time of year’
with a total bang over here.

there is so much going on that my head
is spinning in circles.

good and happy things, celebration after
celebration, and sad and hard things.

in sitting down after hours of running around,
i looked out the window.

a rainy gray day.

‘don’t miss it, terri.’ the whole outside
said to me at once.

‘don’t miss it.’

i haven’t been able to take a walk this week.
been having back issues. i did try one morning,
but it didn’t feel so good, so i’ve been waiting.
i’m sure i’ll be back to it next week.

but in the meantime, there’s very little outdoors
time around here. going outside consists of going
to the car, or getting the mail.

and when that happens i miss things.
i miss the things that matter.

i miss the perspective of the sky
and the wisdom of the trees.

don’t want to miss that.

so for now, i’m thinking a tea break
by the window with the trees is a good idea.

don’t want the rush of a beautiful season
make me lose the whole point of the season
in the first place…

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December 1, 2015

too easy? look again…

i was having one of those imaginary conversations
in my head, and for me, those really usually just
happen when i think someone’s being a total twit.
and i just think of all the things i’d like to tell them.

and yeah, this was one of those times.

and after many attempts at trying to say to him what
i really wanted him to hear, i got all the way down to this –

“if that’s the answer you’re believing, then you really need
to think again. it’s just all so nice and tidy and leaves you
off the hook. seriously? give it another try.”

and i got to thinking about that.

and how that really goes for me too for my own answers.

if i’ve come up with something all neat and tidy that leaves
me off the hook, well then, seriously, i need to try again.

tidy doesn’t happen very often.
when it does, i think i should do a check in with myself.

thing is, this guy’s being a total twit. he won’t hear it,
even if i ever get the opportunity to say it.

but will i hear it when i need to?
that’s something that should be on mind even more, i believe.

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November 30, 2015

a great line…

i went and saw ‘the 33’ this weekend.
the story of the 33 miners that got trapped
underground in chile.

wow.
what a story.
there were a million threads to it that got me thinking.
but there was line in there that i think will stay with
me forever.

one of the miners was asking another miner why he didn’t
hate him like everyone else. and the other miner answered –

‘hate is for children.’

wow.

i gasped.

i love that.

and think it’s so true.

it takes real maturity to get beyond hate.
sometimes i got it, sometimes i don’t!

then i thought of life and it’s balance of
the dark and the light….and i thought about
how wanting it to be all joyful and happy is
for children.

how it takes real maturity to be grateful
for the all.

and again, sometimes i got it,
and sometimes i so don’t!

just thought it was a great line, a cool thought.
had to share!

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November 25, 2015

two handy visuals…

over the years i’ve come up with two different
visuals i do just to get thru those times i have
to deal with difficult people. i figured the day
before the start of the holiday season would be
a good time to share them – perhaps someone else
could use them as well.

the first one is more for people in the distance.
i don’t have to see them, but i know they’re there
and well – it’s not a thrill that they are. i may have
to hear about them or have some kinda distant contact.
the smile and nod gets old, so i have my own little
secret world i can go to.

a world where there’s a giant net hanging next to the planet.
it’s soft and comfy so no one gets hurt,
but it’s a place i can push people into.
or they just naturally fall over into it.
sometimes that’s even more fun.

i just in my mind push them off the planet,
or let them trip over their own feet and fall into the net.
and leave them there.

i’m laughing as i type this.
they’ve come to be called ‘netters’
they all land there together and i find great glee in the thought
of them all having to deal with each other as they lay there all
jumbled in a soft net.

and then i brush off my hands and walk away.

ah.
just typing that out makes me feel good.

the other, is a bit more constructive and i use it sometimes
when i have to actually deal with people i struggle with in person –

i love the visual of stars inside me.
so i start there.
and i visualize the stars glowing in me and warming me.
if i’m really good i can bring myself into the awareness
of the holy inside me.
it’s there.
the stars make it all sing and shine.

when i get there, it’s hard to be anything but compassionate.
and i see those i struggle with and their pain.
doesn’t mean i want to interact with them or be part of their lives.
just means i get to drop the anger and frustration a bit,
(sometimes just a tiny bit)
and just understand that there’s much pain involved.

and then i picture putting a star on them.
maybe in their hair, or on their shoulder, or in their hands.
sometimes just near them if i can’t get that close.

one time i struggled so much in making this visual happen,
i was in the presence of the person and just not liking them,
i went outside, breathed in some air, and did the visual from there.
that bit of distance helped.
then i could go back in.

when it’s all over, i make sure i put a star in my own hair.
gently and with such love.
because usually at that point i need a good dose of self compassion
and that is absolutely needed to complete the star process.

so there ya have it.
two visuals for the holiday season!
both have helped me many times.
maybe you can morph them into something to fit yourself.

here’s to all the undercurrents that go on thru the season,
may we learn from them, learn about ourselves and others…
may we use them to become stronger, more honest and true to
ourselves and brighter candles in the world.

and let the holidays begin!

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November 24, 2015

gearin’ up

it’s almost here.
and it’s really hard to believe.
as far as i know, no one knows where
the year went. just that it went fast.

and here we are either getting ready to
gather with family – which can be a great thing
or a really challenging thing.

or – finding ourselves alone and wondering
if anyone even cares.

or a million places in between.

it certainly can be a smack full in the face day,
can’t it?

as i type this, i worry about a friend in the
hospital and wait anxiously for news,
i think of the daughters of another friend who
isn’t here to celebrate, and wonder how they’ll
make it thru. i think of someone who just lost
their baby, someone else who lost their daughter
this time of year awhile ago.

i think of families that are close and that love
to gather and see each other. and the families
that are strained and just make it thru.

it’s everything, isn’t it? beautiful and painful
and joyful and sad.

i think i’m feeling a little bit of it all this year.

i want to offer a hand to anyone out there feeling
alone and in the dark. i honestly believe we’re all
connected. and my making space and scooting over for
you to come sit near me can actually be felt. i want
to shout to you that you’re not alone. but then i
remember, you scooted next to me here, and i don’t need
to shout. i’ll just whisper in your ear.

you aren’t alone.
you are being thought of.
and that you deserve something nice for the holiday.
so if that’s up to you to treat yourself to,
then do it!

a favorite food, or a movie you love, or some music
that opens your heart.

be gentle with you.
treat yourself well.
and know that we are all in this together.

let’s hunker down and make it a peaceful day.

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November 23, 2015

bad ju ju

man,
it feels like something is in the air,
seems like there’s rough news, sadness,
worry, and lots of general ick all around
the darn place.

i don’t usually say that kinda thing.

i usually can find enough gratitude around me
to see the balance.

and while i can still find a ton to be grateful
for – there is so much right now i’d like to
grab and change for the better.

if i could just be god for ten minutes, i’d
fix a lotta things.

but i can’t.
and so i watch.
and i wonder.
and it feels like there’s so much.

and then i stop and think how much worse
it could be and i think ‘okay, okay. i will
try to keep it all in perspective.’

and i will try to remember how full life is
and how i truly want to learn how to balance
holding it all.

now seems like a great time to practice.

thanksgiving week.
gratitude week.
the start of the holidays.
darkness.
light.
and hope.

deep breath here.
and a focus on the all.

and on the hope.

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