journal

musings and ponderings…

July 21, 2015

things bumping into each other…

i’m on to something.
but i don’t know what.
figured i’d start it here and see where it goes.

because of an interesting mix of conversations/events
the last couple of days, several different things
bumped into each other in my brain.

there’s this –

the whole struggle with ever really being loved for who i am.
i’m bettin’ you know that one.

thing is….
it comes in two really different angles.
and while i knew that, i don’t think i’ve ever really sat down
with it before.

until now.

there’s this angle –
the ‘enough’ stuff that comes from my depths –
that feeling that you’re just not enough the way you are
and you have to BE something for someone else.

but then i argued that.

it’s not always that.

while there’s the ‘i’m not enough’
or i’m damaged or broken, or malfunctioning.
or just not normal enough the way i am,
at other times there’s this –

i KNOW that i am enough.
in fact, i know i’m really full of light and love and goodness.
i just don’t think anyone else can really see it.
they see what they want to.
so even when they say that they see it, they’re seeing what they want
to meet their own needs and it’ll always come around to they
don’t really see what’s there.
and somehow i’ll disappoint them.

those are two really different angles.

i am enough.
i am not enough.

how come?
how can i hold both at different times?

maybe i just can.
maybe that’s being human and it’s nothing more than what
the circumstance brings up.

OR

maybe it has everything to do with my inner child and me.

maybe one of us thinks one of these angles.
and the other thinks the other.
and depending on what’s goin’ on depends on who shows up.

i have no idea if this is truly the case or not.
have no idea if it could help or not.

but this just came to me today
and it feels really really possible
and really like it could make a difference with my inner work.

so i just had to shoot it out here……

it helps me think.
and with any luck, it’ll help someone else think too.

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July 20, 2015

inspiration

i got a chance this weekend to watch not one-
but TWO great things that filled me with inspiration.

i had been wanting to watch ‘the belle of amherst’
for awhile now. it’s with julie harris and it’s from
the 1970’s! it’s a one woman play with julie portraying
emily dickinson.

i actually remember my mom watching it when i was
a teen. i was in the room. wasn’t interested,
was doing something else, but couldn’t help hearing
it. it didn’t take long for me to be hooked. i sat
myself down on the floor and just watched. completely
absorbed.

remembering that and thinking if it was good enough to
hook a teen – i wanted to check it out again.

i am so glad i did.

then, after enjoying that completely, i wanted to
see another one person production, so i rounded up
hal holbrook doin’ ‘mark twain tonite.’

ohmygosh.

between the two of these, i was over the moon filled
with inspiration.

in so many ways.
and one of the big things it made me notice –
it’d been far too long since i had fed myself with
vids that were of such great quality.

i found myself wanting to play with words,
and work on my writing.
i found myself wanting to play with my thoughts
and work on my thinking.
i was in awe of the dazzling talent.
i was in awe of the incredible minds.

i was so filled with inspiration, i didn’t even
know how to describe it to anyone.

i walked around just saying ‘wow’ for long periods
of time after watching. actually, there’s still some wows
echoing inside of me.

and i was reminded of all that was out there for me
to explore.

let’s not forget that.
or when we do…let’s come on back to remembering.
because it’s something too cool to lose because we get
sidetracked with things that don’t matter.

there’s so much for us to grasp and take in and
play with and explore and grow with.

i’m thinking i don’t want to miss it!

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July 17, 2015

talk about perspective

i took some time today to visit with two of my sons.
it felt really good and it’d been a long time since
we had that kinda visit.
so i snagged it.
and didn’t rush it.

when i got back in,
there was an emergency project waiting for me that
rearranged the rest of the day.

and put life in perspective.

and made me glad i had snagged the time i did today.

it was a project for someone who just got the news
that her friend was told he had two months to live.

a beautiful man who had offered so much to everyone around him.
a man still young enough to be expecting many more years.

i helped this friend with a project.
and thought there was nothing better i could offer here
today than the reminder that we have no idea how long
we’ve got.

what we have is a gift.

and it is up to us to keep our priorities straight
and our hearts open and to live this gift we’ve
been given.
and to appreciate those we’ve got around us.

another good message to take into a weekend.

July 16, 2015

making some space

i have been workin’ really really really hard lately.
tryin’ my best and diggin’ in with gusto.
pushin’ negative thoughts
and discouragement to the ground.
was doin’ good with it all –
and then i ran into a darn brick wall yesterday.
bam! smack! ouch!
i crumbled.

the tears came, the discouragement washed over me
and i couldn’t rally. the only thing being pushed to the
ground, was me.

so i quit and headed over to my guy’s house with him.
bumped into the painter who’s painting the place.
wow.
she was putting in some major long hours doin’ some
major hard work. physically exhausting stuff.
told her i was tired when i came over, but she inspired me.

i thought, ‘man, terri, if she can do all that, you can
hang in there, girl.’ i decided to turn today around.
but we all know, easier said than done.

this morning i was aware the day could turn really bad in
my mind if i let it. and i wanted to turn it around in a
GOOD way –
so i did some stuff that i knew would help get me more solid.
did all the little things i could think of.

and by the time i was finishing up doin’ some cooking (which was
one of the little things that centers me) i had a whole new
attitude.

i thought about how yesterday i had just wished it was easier.
life.
not just the challenges i was dealing with during the day,
but some other challenges i was hearing about around me.
and yeah, i do wish some of it was easier.

but not all of it.
not the challenges that got me down yesterday.
as i stood there wiping the counter,
i realized i was okay with them.
i wanted to conquer them.
i wanted to do it.
i wanted to rise to the challenge and win.

and i just got knocked over.
and now i was up again.
and ready.

and i think the only way that attitude change
was gonna happen this morning
was by making room for it to come to me.
not by forcing it.
but by making room, doing those terri things to center,
and by just letting it come.

wow.
why on earth don’t i do this more often?!

July 15, 2015

my yard and my life

i had a thought last nite that really intrigued me –
it had to do with approaching myself with the same attitude
that i approach my yard.

bear with me here as i’m still figuring it out –

i love my yard.
i just love being out there.

it used to be that whenever i was out there i just saw all the work
there was to be done. it would stress me more than relax me!
i would wonder how i’d ever handle it all.

and then something changed –
it was around when i was trying to come to grips with my sons
moving out. i would go out in the yard for therapy.

i think maybe because i really understood i’d never be able to
keep up with everything – i stopped stressing about that.
i was just able to be.

and in that being – i found such peace out there.

so now – when i go outside – i know there’s work to be done,
but i see it as something to pleasantly work on. and i trust
my timing with things.

for example –

i had some dead branches in a tree i had to cut out.
didn’t stress over when to fit that in my schedule.
just knew i’d get to it when the time was right for me.

and yesterday morning i was outside and looked over and thought,
okay, let me get that.
and i did.

so i got to thinking about that last nite.
there’s so much trust in my flow with my yard.
i talk to things out there and pour my heart out.
and i listen to the trees and the wind and the sky
and i feel the wisdom out there.
i know things will get taken care of and i trust myself to do that.
i believe in my strength to handle it all
and feel grateful that i have that strength.

when i thought of how i work with myself –
i couldn’t honestly tell you that it was as trusting and peaceful
as the yard interactions!

and i imagined if it was –

if i knew there was a ton to work on,
didn’t stress over it,
understood that there was a timing to it,
and trusted my timing.

if i just knew i had the strength to deal with what
i needed to and just felt gratitude for that strength.

if i saw something dead that needed to be cut out of my life –
if i didn’t wallow and obsess over it,
if i just knew i’d get to it and get rid of it
and leave it alone until then.

if i went and poured my heart out honestly and
just listened to all the different parts of me
and all the different responses and wisdom.

wow.
wow.
it really hit me how different things would be then.

so why the peace with the yard
and not with myself?

something to think about, huh?
and something to totally change.

lovin’ this idea.
just totally lovin’ this idea…..

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July 14, 2015

holding light

a friend asked for support on fb.
it’s the anniversary of her son’s death.
he drowned as a teen.
she asked for light as still years and years later it is so very hard.

i am thinking of her right now and wrapping her in light.
i wanted to write now as this is the time she asked us to particularly
hold her. a candle is lit and i’m holding her close.

she said her son loved metallica.
so i bopped on some metallica music as i worked on orders this morning.

wow, did the memories come back for me.

metallica was big in my house in the early years of my sons and i
being on our own. we were all feeling a whole lot of emotions back
then and metallica seemed to help with some of the harder stuff.

i thought of all i had been thru with those boys of mine.
and how i feel like we grew up together.
i heard one of the songs i used to just love because it roared out
the pain i was feeling. i listened, remembered, and thought of my
friend and her pain today.

and honestly, it put so much in perspective.
you won’t hear one complaint from me today.
just gratitude for the road i had with my sons.
and compassion – such deep compassion – for those who’s own roads
got cut short.

she said it was hard for her to share with people.
that people were uncomfortable and didn’t know what to do.
i really think we all need to pay attention to that
and try harder to be present.
we need each other – and at such dark times, we need each other
more than ever.

light a candle today and think of her and the son she lost.
and shoot some light out to the world.
together we’ll hold the dark with her.
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July 13, 2015

well who woulda ever guessed?!

who would think a riding lawn mower would be the symbol of such love and growth?!
buy i gotta tell ya, the arrival of my guy’s riding lawn mower this weekend was just that!

i’ve been mowin’ my lawn for a couple of years on my own.
i use an electric push mower and to do my whole yard takes me over three hours.
so i divide the labor in between two days.
and i have to be careful it doesn’t get too high, or i really struggle mowing it.

i haven’t shared the lawn mowing with my guy yet as he’s mowing over at his place
and workin’ hard on a million other things.

he kept sayin’ that i was gonna love his riding lawn mower.
and i kept thinking not.
i use my lawn mowing as therapy,
it’s fine the way it is.
and i’m not sure i wanna drive one of those around.

when i pulled up sunday afternoon,
i expected him to have been back from a whole lotta work a few hours earlier – showered and refreshed.
nope.
there he was scootin’ all over the back yard on his mower!
he had just pulled in a few minutes earlier, hours later than he had planned,
completely beat and sore, and yet still tryin’ to get the mowing in for me.

i stopped him and told him to quit,
show me how, and i’d mow.

and that’s when my life changed!
ohmygosh!
i didn’t think i’d like it, right?
didn’t think i needed that thing.

oh ho ho ho ho ho……..
i absolutely adore it!

it’s loud and smelly and all the things i thought i’d hate –
and mygosh, it added so much to the fun.

i whirled around the yard all over the place –
absolutely no rhyme or reason to any of it.
laughing and smiling in total delight.
the mower vroomed, i squealed and did multiple passes under the willow tree just for the fun of it!

when i came in he was laughing at how much fun i had with it.
i was lit up with how great the whole thing was and how incredibly easy it made everything.

and……this –
i was lit up because i was open to what he was bringing me,
and i could really see how wonderful it was.
he had just expanded my world by bringing his to mine.

i love that about us.
we are so incredibly different on just about every surface thing there is.
you name it, we’re different about it –
and because of that you gotta open to new stuff just to survive.
both of us have to.

he told me he cleaned it before he brought it over.
‘first time ever’ he said.

he cleaned it for me so i wouldn’t be grossed out.

amazing.

i think of him mowing there before i got home to help me out even when he was so beat.
of me stopping him and making him go in and taking over.
of the squealing and the fun.
and of the first ever cleaning.

that is us at our best.
and i love that.

i never want to stop learning from him.
i never want to stop saying ‘oh. well, let me try and see.’

so many times i have an opinion before i know what i’m talking about.
so many times my world would open up if i just listened and learned.

this morning i couldn’t help it – i took the mower out again just for
a quick ride around the yard. just for a quick vrooom.
i smiled all the way thru and came in
filled with gratitude and love.

so much we can all learn from each other.
so much i have left to learn from my guy.

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July 10, 2015

i couldn’t help it…

i was just gonna leave the ‘welcome’ message that’s posted below today
and let you guys look around.
but, you know……sometimes i just can’t keep quiet.

there’s something i did want to say.

last nite i went to the bone sigh arts facebook page for some support.
and the love and wisdom and kindness and strength that poured fourth
was astounding.

and i realized……
i am really really darn proud of us.
while yes, i felt incredibly loved and supported –
the thing that really knocked me over was that thru all the pain
that all the different people have experienced,
thru all the hard stuff and gunk and really rough garbage –
so much love was there.
the pain couldn’t keep the love down.
the bad stuff may knock us over…….but the good stuff is still there.
and we share it so freely with each other.
it’s light in such a beautiful form.

and that totally wowed me.

i think it’s something we should all feel really proud of.
and something maybe we can take into our weekends and just smile about.

we rock!
and we got light, baby!
we so still got light!
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July 10, 2015

pretty darned excited

today’s the first day the new look, new buttons, new blog set up is live!
it’s been a lot of work getting it all together.
take a moment and check it out.
check out those buttons!
it’s gonna be a great way to share things!

welcome!

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July 9, 2015

it’s not that hard terri

after my drive yesterday (see post below)
i really tried to just let myself relax into the releasing.
my guy – my new room-mate – is so good for me with that.
he was right there encouraging me, helping me.
i couldn’t have a better fella.

while i couldn’t have a better fella,
i bet i could have a cleaner one.

and of course, that’s been a bit of a culture shock thing goin’ on here.
it’s one of those things where i see he’s trying, really trying.
and well…..um……..gosh.
i think real hard on how to approach the stuff and not make things crazy
and it can get me all tangled.

and then?
today while out getting some cleaning supplies i found these cleaning wipes.
i never noticed ’em before.
don’t think i ever needed them before.
but oh ho ho.
now!
now baby!
i am puttin’ these suckers to use!
honestly, the company should call me today.
because i would do a knock-em-dead commercial for these things.

i do believe they are about to change my life!

and yeah……they’re cleaning wipes.

yeah.
i know.

but here’s the thing –
here’s why i’m bloggin’ about them –

it’s so easy.
so easy.
i’m gonna have a normal conversation with my guy about this co-habitating stuff
and i’m gonna keep my cleaning wipes handy!
and that’s it.

not so hard.

so i’m thinking about all these tons of little things that have gotten me stressed
lately……all across the board all across my life…..personal, business, everywhere.
i think 90% of my stresses just needed their own sort of cleaning wipes.
honestly.

you got a problem? what’s the cleaning wipe solution for it?
i’ve already dived into a buncha stuff that was getting to me –
visualizing cleaning wipes in hand –
and i tell ya, i’m rarin’ to go!

i’m tackling some business stuff today.
and instead of dreading it – i’m totally tickled.

go figure.
it’s not that hard.
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