an intense course

yeah….we all know…
it is one heck of a difficult time that
we’re in right now.
that’s not news.
everyone knows it.
i think most people are feeling that.
altho, i’m sure, as in all things,
there are a million different angles
to each person’s difficult time.
and way too much assuming about
what the other feels.

what i’m struggling with may certainly not be
what you’re struggling with, and on and on it goes
person to person.

so, obviously, i can only speak for myself.

so this is mine.
today i’m owning it.
tomorrow i may change my mind.
today tho, it’s mine.

i don’t think i’ve ever felt this discouraged about humanity.
i have tried different things to navigate thru.
some work, some don’t.
but what i am really starting to see now is what an incredible
opportunity i have in front of me to really learn how to love.

i’m serious.

and there’s no way i’m being all rosy glasses fluffy about this.

this is hard, incredibly stretching work.

with that in the front of my mind the last few days,
i watched my reactions to people –
many of them weren’t real good.
many of the reactions were downright bad.
but that’s okay.
at this point, i can’t stop them. they’re like a reflex.
they just come.

the muscle comes from keeping them to myself,
stepping back for a moment or two or ten
and reminding myself to really look.
really look and see the person.
see their intentions.
remember them.
and honor their hearts.
to try to see the whole picture.
all the while keeping in mind that there’s a ton i don’t understand.

when i do that, i find the reaction that i let  out much different
than my first one i kept in.

this is all basic stuff, yes?
of course, terri.

thing is – judging from what i’m seeing,
not a whole lotta people are thinking beyond their reactions,
and they certainly are letting them out quickly without a lotta thought.

well, all the more practice for me, i guess.

this isn’t easy.
in fact, it’s exhausting.

it’s no little thought.
but i am working it so hard, i’m seeing that it’s totally
like i’m in an intense course.
and there’s no way i’m gonna come out of this the same
as i went in. i do think i can let it change me for the worse.
i think that’s a possibility.
but here’s the thing –
that’s not the point of the course.
and i’m in it for the learning.
i WANT to learn how to really be love.
that will keep me on track.

even if it makes me really really tired and discouraged sometimes.
it will keep me on track.
and i don’t think i can lose.

and something that has been helpful is people’s total lack
of seeing each other.
that’s actually helpful.
cause there’s no way i’m doing this for anyone to say
‘way to go, terri’
cause i don’t expect to be seen.

somehow that adds to the intensity and the drive.
there’s no expectation of any real pay off except inside myself.
this one’s all mine.

and i’m gonna work it as hard as i can.

yeah, i’m tired. and sometimes so very discouraged,
and yet….i do see – i have been given one heck of a classroom.
and it’s mine for the taking.
that’s no little gift, is it?!

so, picture me, hunched over one of those little desks with
the top connected to the seat. a paper in front of me that i’m
trying to answer the questions on,
and i’m busily erasing and erasing and erasing some of the things
i wrote. there’s a pile of eraser crumbs next to my seat on the floor.
my hair is hanging in my face, and i’m concentrating hard.

that’s where i’ll be.
tryin’ over and over and over again.
rubbing my forehead here and there, and wondering when’s lunch?