already helping…

the whole mind gazing thing
that i mentioned yesterday?!
it’s already helping!

it’s making me listen to myself more.
my words and my thoughts both.

i got a little worn out from the heat.
and i have felt weary.

last nite i didn’t want to go do something
and told myself i was too tired.
then i asked myself ‘who is tired?’
i don’t even know what that means!
but i keep asking myself ‘who is….’ whatever it is
i’m thinking. i don’t know why i’m doing that,
or what it’s supposed to do –
but it turns out it’s a really cool thing.
cause i figured out – i wasn’t tired.
i just wasn’t.
then i tried to figure out what exactly i was.
it was like my light switch wasn’t on.
it was like i was dim.

and so i thought of the things i wanted to do
to brighten me back up. easy self care stuff.

(by the way, i don’t see eating sugar or doing something
that hurts my body as self care in any way. that makes
no sense to me. doesn’t mean i don’t eat sugar ever.
just means i know that sugar isn’t good for me and it’s
not something to do when i want to treat myself right.)

i tried to give myself some nutrients i wondered if
i was missing. i did a few things that felt really healthy
for my body and i looked at each negative thought that
popped up and let them slip away.

this morning – my head just feels so in the game.
now….i figure the lessons are gonna come quickly.
which means my head will get knocked outta the game
pretty quickly, i bet.

i’m hoping that i remember to do the ‘who is feeling….’ thing
when that happens.

so what i learned in less than 24 hours of trying to pay attention
is that i’m really assuming a lot about myself that isn’t true.

so far so good.
i’m loving this.