Here is what I originally wrote in another forum:

My name is Marissa Carney, and I wrote a book titled Stitched; a Memoir.  It's
comprised of journal entries I wrote during the years I had been
cutting myself, along with some poetry and narrative.  Is it the most
polished, best work on the topic out there?  No.  BUT.  I am aware that
is has actually reached people and touched them on some level.  That is
the greatest achievement I could hope for by having written it.  It's
raw.  It's not pretty.  It's me.  It's important. 

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Stitched-A-Memoir/146787773943

http://www.amazon.com/Stitched-Memoir-Marissa-Carney/dp/1413760015/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1314820119&sr=8-1

I've done some searching around, looking for forums and sites
about cutting and self-mutilation to join in the hopes I'd have
somewhere to go when I am fighting the serious urges to cut or just need
to be around people who get it....I think Bone Sighs might be home. 
It's a genuine place where people really seem to care about one another
and where they work to create a safe, caring, healing environment.  I
once tried to get a support group together in my area for
self-mutilation - it stalled before it ever really even started.  It
just doesn't have the notoriety or the same...empathy?  Maybe that's not
the right word.  People tend to think it's not as important or as
dangerous or prevelent as alcohol or drugs. 

I'm willing to share parts of my story for anyone who wants
them....I'm willing to hear others' stories. I'm willing to be a part of
their healing process. 

So now....to address some of your questions, Terri....

It is such a complicated thing - there are so many reasons to cut or self-injure.  Here is a quick snap shot.  We can get more in depth if you wish, or as the thread continues.

Some people cut simply because they are so emotionally numb, that the pain ensures they can still feel something, anything. 

Some cut because they feel too much emotion - the emotional pain, the hurt, anxiety, fear, unworthiness, depression is all too much to handle.  Cutting brings all of that into one focal point, which is the pain of cutting open one's skin.  The pain helps calm and gives one something to think about other than the overload of emotion swirling inside them.  Seeing blood is also calming.  It's also as if the pain inside now has a way to escape the body - what they feel on the inside can now be seen on the outside.

Some cut as punishment - for their thoughts, actions, shortcomings, whatever.  They see cutting as something they deserve.

These are just a few quick points. 
Let's expand?

First let me say I am NOT a cutter. So I don't know what it feels like.

thank you for this, guys.....both your notes really did help. absolutely let's expand. i'm hoping people come and share their stories.

Hey miss terri - thanks for being willing to talk about some tough topics.  Like I said over on facebook, I believe that the more we talk about this stuff, the more it removes a layer of isolation not only from ourselves, but from others as well.

I became a cutter when I was somewhere around 11 or 12... I think.  I was young.  No one had ever told me about it, and I had no idea that other people might even do it.  It started off with just scratches, but then they became deeper.  If you were to meet me in person today, it is hard to miss my scars... they even show up in a lot of photos.  Eventually I started to try to hide it more. 

It started because I couldn't process or show emotion appropriately.  I couldn't just cry about things.  And after so much was bottled up, it started coming out in more destructive ways.  It was a release... it was a way to personally punish myself too.  I felt I deserved pain, and it also gave validity to my pain.  I guess you might say that the blood was my tears. 

I didn't even find out about other cutters until I was an adult.  And I didn't quit until my later 20's.  At 31, I still get the urge occasionally. 

I finally found a counselor that was willing to approach the topic.  Some aren't.  I think it was through him that I discovered the red ink technique.  When I wanted to cut, I started slashing red lines with a red marker or pen.  Eventually, because of my love for words and because I was finally finding my voice,  I started writing words on my skin.  At first they were full of anger and pain - all those horrible things I was screaming inside my head.  Eventually they turned into prayers.  And after quite some time, I began writing love notes to myself on my own body - the comforting things that no one else had told me when I needed to hear it. 

It's been years now since I've cut.  Which is still a pretty big surprise to me.  I'm still learning to love myself.  I'm still growing.  The scars are always a reminder... not only of my pain, but also of my healing.

much love to all of you, my soul sisters.

 

Hello, Gypsy_soul and Frustrated_fred. Thank you for joining in the conversation.

Pretty crazy that I had to search around for a psychologist who could and would work with me on my cutting.  It might be different now, but my early experiences showed many counselors and psychologists were not trained to deal with self-mutilation or were uncomfortable with it.

It will be three years in November since I last cut myself.  It is often a day by day, sometimes minute by minute struggle to stay on the path.  I often deal with feelings of complete worthlessness and lonliness, and knowing that I deserve pain.  There is a constant tornado of emotions enveloping my heart and ribs and lungs and soul.  Cutting would let it all drain out of me, and then the ugliness I feel on the inside could be seen on the outside, on my skin. 

This past weekend, I was in my basement looking for some nails and came across a pack of utility razor blades.  I honestly stopped breathing, went cold.  I knew I should get out of the room, run away, but instead I sat down and picked the pack up.  I dumped the blades into my left hand and just stared at them.  I touched their blades and even pressed one to my left wrist.  I thought about how much I wanted to slice that pale skin open, how much relief I'd feel.  Those thoughts scared me because they were so powerful - they don't fade with time away from sharps.  I know how far I'd come and what the consequences would be if I cut, so I had to make a quick choice...which was to drop the razors and run.  I let myself feel all of the emotions, which even included anger at myself for NOT cutting, strange as it seems.  I felt the urge, the desire, the tug-of-war emotion.  I felt the sadness at the entire situation; I shouldn't have to stroke a razor blade's edge longingly, still feel love for the act of cutting.  I let myself feel good about my self-control and felt the anxiety over it all. 

Then I took a deep breath, let the universe's love fill my lungs and blew it out.  Breathed again.  And then I danced....put on my music, wrapped myself in it, and danced.

wow, these are so powerful to read.
i think it's amazing that it's something that comes to you 'naturally' for lack of a better way to say it. like gypsy soul didn't know anyone else did it. it's just what she did.

i know how strong emotions can be, so i'm taking this in and really feeling what you're saying.

there are times when i get a deep sense of shame for being the 'bad girl.' and i feel unworthy. but i've only ever punished myself emotionally. i wasn't raised with big punishments like people hitting me or anything like that. does that have anything to do with this? like were you raised that when you were 'bad' you got physically hurt?

i think with me when i was 'bad' i got emotionally hurt. and i'm curious if this has anything to do with it.

i am totally stunned that it was hard to find counselors who dealt with this and i'm really really hoping that that isn't the case anymore!

I am being good.. (*)

ohmygosh, fred..........i am SOOOOOOOOO sorry.
i knew you had 'feelings' about therapists, and i knew there would be a story with those feelings,
but mygosh....that's one heck of an awful story.
you know what's amazing???? all of that happened to you and you're one of the most beautiful people i know......isn't that weird???  well, you know what i mean. (i hope!)

good reminder on therapists, fred! grinnin' here........i continue to frustrate you!!!! sorry about that. and glad you got that out. i truly truly am sorry for that pain that should have never have happened....

Stitched:  So much of what you say resonates with me.  I know the tug-of-war personally too.  And I think I still feel some love for the act of cutting too... at least some part of me does.  I've had those times where I hold a knife or a razor blade and imagine the whole scenario of cutting.  And I LOVE what you said about feeling ALL of the emotions - THAT, I think, is the key to healing... but boy is it tough sometimes. 

Frustrated Fred:  I'm sorry you went through all of that.  I'm so glad you've found your way through it too.  Agreed - counselors are not God.  I learned a very useful principle in recovery that I apply to life now, counselors included.  "Take what you can, and leave the rest."  My situation was not nearly as horrific as yours, but I do have some frustration over some counselors that I saw.  Since then, I've had to realize that they all taught me something useful.  So I take the lessons and leave the rest.

Terri:  Ya know, what you just said suddenly made a world of sense.  Kinda like a lightbulb moment.  I was harshly punished physically for anything "bad" that I did.  So on some level I believed that I deserved the physical pain.  I had never thought about it that specifically, but it makes perfect sense.

wow....just logged on here after being absent forever and look what you all are up to....

i am so loving this........

ahhh terri~

:)

so i got stitched's book, 'stitched.' i've started reading it. it's really really really well done. and for me, it's really really hard to take in. there's a lot of pain in it. i'm really glad to be reading it tho as i lost someone close to me to suicide. i found out after she died that she hurt herself routinely. i don't think she cut, but she did other things. this book brings her to my mind a lot and i find it really hard, but also very much needed. i love the honesty and raw feeling of the book and i'm so proud of stitched for offering this. and i'm so sorry for the pain in the world. i know that sounds so stupid....but i really really am......

I'm so happy (maybe even a little relieved) that you're finding it worthwhile.  That's really the main reason I wrote it; not for money or fame, but to reach into the minds and souls of others - to help somehow.  I figured if I was going to write it, I might as well make it as raw as I felt.  There are some things I decided I just couldn't write about in Stitched (maybe another book to come?), but for the most part....it's all out there for anyone to read.  And judge me.  Relate to. Or find hope in.

Thank you for your kind words, Terri.

For any recovering self-injurers out there....what kinds of things do you do to distract yourself when you want to hurt your body?

Fred - I feel your pain.  My childhood was very similar and my father has Narcisstic Personality Disorder.  I never did cut, never have but I worked in the field of sexual assault and many SA victims are also cutters.  One of my dearest friends also cuts.

One thing I haven't read above is the need for control (maybe it's there and I missed it)?  But sometimes a person's life feels so out of control that they have to do something they can control.  Many times the person is a perfectionist; they don't feel they can do anything right.  This is the common dynamic underlying eating disorders as well.  In fact, eating disorders and cutting are related issues.  People cut because it's a release (it releases endorphins, which are the "feel good" hormone) and it provides them with a temporary high. SA survivors often cut because it's something they can control - everything else is spinning out of control and they can cut themselves to control something. It's not always obvious that people cut; many people cut their upper thighs so others never see it.  The seed of cutting is deep emotional/spiritual pain and a coping mechanism.  Rarely do cutters die from cutting.  My daughter (now 21) had a friend over when they were around 13 or so.  I noticed her friend had been cutting on the inside of her forearms - and not just starting to do it but there were scars and cuts in various stages of healing. I asked her why?  She drew back and would not talk. I hugged her.  Thought about talking to her mother, but knowing this mother I decided it best not to. I just told the girl that she could always talk to me.  Always.  She never did.  She bounced around high schools as she never felt like she fit in.  She went off to a top tier college (she is very smart) and got pregnant her freshman year  gave the baby up for adoption.  I just wonder what happened to her. Why did she begin cutting. Why didn't her parents - who are extremely wealthy - get her help?
I  really do get why people cut.  It just makes me feel terribly sad. 

One of the things I find with self-mutilation "recovery" is often a feeling of profound loneliness.  It's not because I think I'm the only one going through it...but rather it's forgotten that I AM going through it. 

What I mean is when you're not hurting yourself anymore, the people who care about you tend to think, BAM - she's healed.  Not cutting anymore, so no problem. They can't see the pain that's still inside, and....frankly, it feels like they don't want to.  So I don't say much.  But all of the feelings I had when I was cutting are still there...not in the same way, but there just the same.  And the people I have around me don't understand or can't acknowledge.

And so I feel alone.

i think maybe that alone feeling goes for us all....whenever we're feeling pain...

oh.
wow.
when i typed that i realized something.........that's part of the pain isn't it?
it's like one big loop........

the alone feeling.....i get that so deeply sometimes.
it can just echo inside you....
and it's so odd, cause if we all feel that.........we're not alone........
but like i say......one big loop.......

I think one of the interesting parts of having been a cutter is what to say NOW when folks ask about my scars.  I don't really think about them that much anymore - the scars - they are just part of me.  But sometimes other people are surprised and ask what happened.

Then there has to be this really quick assessment - can they handle the truth?  do I want them to know the truth?  how the heck do I explain that many scars anyhow... without telling the truth?

Sometimes I've simply said "Oh, those are old war wounds" or I'll try to brush it off without really giving an answer.  It can be an uncomfortable situation....

One time, my scars spoke for themselves though.  Someone else in a bad situation recognized them, because they had some of their own scars.  Then it became an instant type of bonding.  (I wrote about it here:  http://rewovenlife.blogspot.com/2010/02/my-clan.html)

Just wondered what kind of experiences others have had... relating to their scars???

That was very beautiful gypsy.

I have found myself in your situation many times, gypsy, and I can attest to the quick assessment and the brushing off of questions.  I typically say something like, "Oh, those are just from an accident," if I am uncomfortable with the person.  Very rarely do I tell the truth because it's just too much to expect anyone to begin to understand in a fly-by conversation. 

I teach dance in the evenings and more often get questions about it from the younger kids.  Of course, I can't tell them, so I have to just kind of quickly say, "I got hurt a long time ago," and get busy with class before they can ask anything else, like how, which is their favorite. 

Mostly these days, I just get weird looks, especially if I'm getting blood drawn or blood pressure/pulse taken or exchanging money or whatever at a store.  I mean, there must be 50+ scars on my left arm, so I can't really blame anyone for reacting when they seem them.  I always wonder what they must be thinking....sometimes not even sure what I'm thinking when I see, really see, them. 

 

ya know....i want to just kinda say maybe you CAN say more than you think you can.
i mean, i know.......easy for me to say.......i don't have them. and i know you have to like
gypsy says and assess the situation. but i think the world needs these stories.
again....like i say....easy for me to say....but it's just what popped into my head.....

Stitched...and all of you who've poured the contents of your heart out in this thread - thank you for breaking the silence on cutting. I've thought of ending my life in many ways before, but I never felt like cutting until this last May just before my bipolar diagnosis. All's I can say right now is it's very confusing, the range of emotions you go through even thinking about it.

Never really understood it, but now perhaps I have a much greater understanding . Not sure that makes sense. Right now I'm a bit raw emotionally, but I'm following the discussion. You guys are laying your souls on the line so we can all have a greater understanding. Takes guts...
Love and blessings to all
Sunny

Yes...it's confusing.  And emotional.  Too emotional...which then just feeds into wanting to hurt myself.  It truly is a vicious cycle.  An addicting, vicious circle. 

Self-mutilation is not usually about ending a life - rather just trying to survive one, which seems to make no sense to some, perfect sense to others. 

When I read some of these entries or get messages from people exploring cutting or burning or whatever, I just want to scream, "Don't!  God, don't even think about it - it's so not worth it!" 

I wish I had had someone to tell me that way back when, or had had something like this Web site much earlier in my struggle.

>>>I wish I had had someone to tell me that way back when, or had had something like this Web site much earlier in my struggle.>>>>>>

do you think that makes a difference? i'm sincerely asking.
i'm wondering what things help BEFORE someone starts......

I guess I'd really like to think it would have helped...but I suppose it might not have actually prevented me from doing the first cut. It's not usual that people research the behavior before doing it - just sorta happens. But finding a Web site like this back when I first started could probably have helped me feel loved and important, honored...given me somewhere to go and share what I was feeling without judgement  or shame.  It could have given me a different, safer outlet, diluted the intensity....much like it does now, only not so much after the fact.

I don't know if that makes sense. 

Sometimes when I speak to groups like teachers, they wonder if there is any kind of preventative steps to self-mutilation.  I tell them no one ever talks about it - no one ever says cutting is its own drug, that it's addictive.  Everything is about drugs and alcohol and how bad they are.  I knew to stay away from that stuff - I didn't know what cutting would do to me.  Can I be sure if I did know I wouldn't have started?  Well, no....but in my gut, I know it's got to be talked about somewhere, some how...

I feel like I'm always rambling on these and not making any sense.  I feel like I'm all over the place.  Apologies for that.

no apologies at all...........this stuff is so helpful to me.

I don't think there's much I can add to the conversations that hasn't already been said- and much more eloquently then I could probably say it. 

For the longest time, I stopped wearing short sleeves. I didn't want to face the questions, or the stares.  Then I reached a point where I was tired of hiding my scars.  I went through a time where I was ashamed- but grief and pain is not something to be ashamed of.  I won't say that I am necessarily proud of my scars. They do not define ME, but they do define a very difficult and painful part of me.  And the fact that I'm still muddling through a journey. I don't like them.... but I decided not to hide them.  I still shy away from answering the occasional question- "what happened to your arm?"  Usually I brush it off with the answer "just some old war wounds".  Most people drop it.  For the ones that keep pressing I answer as matter of factly as I can that it's personal and I don't care to discuss it.  

I've thought about the question that was asked- would a site like this have made a difference before you started cutting?

I don't think so.  It's certainly not something I researched before I started. And in my head I knew what I was doing was destructive.  Knowing that didn't change it. I think you have to get to a point where you've reached the bottom before you can climb back up.  Or let someone help you up.

But it certainly is healing to read the struggles and triumphs of people who've walked down the same path.....

glad yo showed up, lis, you were the first person who helped me understand it. (cutting)
it was your blog....
if you care to share that here, it'd be awesome. that helped me so much.
no pressure tho...if not, that's okay too.

....Stare it down...dare it to attack, pray it can't see my quivering lips and shaking knees....

Goddamn it. 

That's what I'm talking about Stitched......SCREAM it.........use your outside voice and throw it and curse it........!! and then..  thank May May for the advice.

Even breathing can be painful sometimes....never enough air in my lungs....
Somebody just take me in your arms, wrap me so tight inside of you that I'm born again through your  light and strength and can take them for my own....

Stitched,   I can breathe with you.....I can breathe for you if needed.....I can send you some good links that describe breathing/pranyama exercises.

I have been held tightly and I have held others and there are a lot of people here that can do that for you.....but you have got to breathe.....slowly and strongly......inhale..................... and exhale.... ............. paying attention to your chest and your belly. In fact, put one hand on your chest and the other on your belly and inhale.......through your nose -slowly and steadily-...........keep breathing in until you feel your hands raise a good two inches........then breathe out through your nose........slowly and steadily........ until you've pushed every last bit of air out of your lungs and belly.........keep doing this, paying attention to your breath and not allowing any thoughts to interrupt. If you can, just say to yourself "breathing in" and "breathing out" and if thoughts intrude, let them go without judgement....just completely dismiss them and go back to your breath.  See if you can make each inhale and exhale a little bit longer and stronger. Keep doing this Stitched and keep focusing on your breath...

Now that you're breathing.....focus.... close your eyes and feel.... be open to receiving....can you feel warmth? breathe easier as you feel arms wrap tightly around you and hold you and breathe with you....slowly and intentionally breathing in and breathing out..... breathing in light and strength..... and exhaling pain ....filling your lungs with goodness and warmth, filling your heart with strength and endurance, filling your soul with hope and light.......and just breathing........and breathing........and holding.......and breathing.....and holding......I will do this with you all night long if you'd like. You say the word and I'll do it...... get your bright marker out and write Love on your arms, write breath on your arms, wrap your arms around me and I will hold them....that way you can't cut them. Now just keep breathing ....breathing in warmth and light, breathing out cold and darkness......in..slowly...........out...slowly.......feel it? It is peace and connection in..................and it is fear and disconnection out...............  it is filling to capacity with caring.................and it is releasing completely the emptiness..........slowly and steadily...........holding and breathing..............in.............................and then out....................    

Marissa~   http://www.aniboom.com/animation-video/489940/Good-Days

http://www.yogajournal.com/practice/219?page=2  

after you have read this article......as you scroll down, there is a list of related articles..... breathing lessons, blissful breath, etc. .... they are all excellent articles.

Oh good......you're still sleeping. Whether you read any of this last night or not......you slept and was held. Sleep goes a long ways towards healing.

susie's love just so made me smile.

Susie...I don't know what to say...

That was so beautiful, and it means so much to me.  I know I will be coming back to that post over and over and over....

Thank you for holding me without hesitation, for caring without judgement, for loving without question...

Marissa.....I would do that for you any time because I know  it helps to be held and I know that there are people here that would do the same for me. Sometimes just breathing is hard, but if you can slow down enough to do it with intention.....it can be the most calming thing there is..... I really hope that you will come back to the post again if it helps at all, but if it's not enough and you need to talk....just let me know....if I'm around, I'd be glad to talk...and breathe....and hold.

It has been haunting me. I stared it down, forced myself to explore it, really see it and the false relief, reprieve it provides.
http://db.tt/l7kjKsaU

Hey... I was just sitting around the fire with you mytruth. Wanted to see if you felt like talking. I'm gonna have to see if I can get Stitched back in here. She is good people too and I bet she'd have some really meaningful things to say about that chard and the false relief that leaves scars. I bet we can talk about some more useful ways to bring some relief......ways that bring beautiful relief rather than blood and scars that damage that beauty. Can we talk about some of those other ways?

The fire is a much better place to be. Maybe I should move over there. Sometimes the ugliness inside me is so repulsive, i try to hold it, but the compulsion to beat it, cut it out of me is so strong....

It's quite beautiful, isn't it, mytruth...that shard.  Its sharp edge promising golden emotions and full breath...but you and I both know...it's not that easy.  We both know how it feels when it's all over.  And it's far from the relief and reprieve that sparkle from its surface.

It's hard to turn away from its hypnotic beauty.  Sometimes every atom in your body screams for it, every synapse in your brain fires solely in hopes of feeling it. 

But when you "stare it down, explore it -see it for what it really is"?  Let its falseness flow through you; cool down the atoms, wash over the synapses, fill your lungs and bones with strength....

Some days I hate it.  I hate having to feel this way and spend time talking myself down - but I do.  Because what else can I do?  The aftermath is nowhere near as beautiful as the shard itself.

Oh, and mytruth?  I am more than willing to bet...that "ugliness?"  Is seen only by you.....

Yes, I've never talked with someone who sees it, feels it, too. Thank you, Susie and stitched for joining.

The ugliness, it is so ... deep. Does no one else see it? They did, and so I shoved that shame, that child into hiding. I am bringing her home, and I feel her.

Well...I'm here.  And I understand - its pull, its beauty...understand the need to cut out that ugliness and pain and hurt.  It's such a long, dark, twisted road of "recovery."  It's nice to have someone to talk to who totally "gets it."

Susie, holding you, you reaching out, really hit me, so beautiful. I've been afraid to reach out, especially to those helping me through this. Afraid to say, it's back, it's strong. I am fighting it. But it is there. I don't want to hurt myself, I want the hurt to stop. I am afraid what wheels will start turning, send her away, she isn't safe, what we are doing isn't working.

But I think it is working. I think it is back because I am ready to face it, to stare it down and find another way to ease the pain.

Because I want to look at what brings me there - the molested child, the teen, gang raped - I want to see their innocence, I would see it in anyone else.

Stitched.....friend of mine....Thank you so much for coming and sharing your wisdom and your compassion. You are a very wise person and i am bowing to you.

mytruth..... you are so brave to come and let us sit with you and share. We are all sisters here... we are far from perfect and we are all learning so much from each other as we sit....but you.....your Soul is beauty and that's all I can see. That's all I Know about you..... and Stitched.... she is beauty also, but is wisdom in ways that I am not and she is there....walking the path that you are on in this place and this bit of energy.... she has so much to offer to the Universe from her Heart, her experiences, her struggles and her awakenings. We all have something to offer that comes from LOve and caring... so thank you for being brave enough to let us do that with you.