My mom

julie

I just found this site...by accident? Probably not. My mother passed away 4/28/11-just 3 weeks before my 40th birthday. She was only 56...and such a BEAUTIFUL woman...just stunning. My mom was only 16 when she had me and I always felt as though she didn't like me...I knew she loved me-because there were times when she was nice to me, but I always felt as though there was something wrong with me. I was talking with my aunt yesterday and she and I were discussing my childhood. She thinks that my mom may have been jealous of me. When I was a teenager, I was a gorgeous girl-inside and out. Mom was extremely overweight back then. I had a younger brother and a younger sister. Unfortunately my brother took his life in 1992 when he was 19...So, it was just my sister and I...my mother favored my sister and I could literally fill pages and pages with examples of how this was so painfully obvious...not only to me, but to all of the adults in my family. All I wanted was for my mom and dad to love me or like me, I suppose. I was an overachiever...but I ALWAYS sabotaged my successes. For example, I was a single mother at 21-years-old and decided to go back to school...I put myself through college. While in school, I had another baby...and you guessed it, he dumped me too. But I hung in there. My 2 boys and I lived in our own apartment and I finished school...I was a Registered Nurse. I also became a drug addict along the way and after 90 days of working as an R.N., I was terminated for diverting narcotics and subsequently lost my nursing license.

With all of this being said...I still MISS my mom terribly. While she was on her death bed, I knelt down beside her and apologized for all of the times I let her down...there were many, many more. Still...all I want is for my mom to love me the way I want her to love me...the way I love my children, I suppose. I have been in and out of therapy since I was 12-yrs-old. I know about reparenting my inner child-but if I am REALLY honest, she just annoys me...a lot like she annoyed my mom. Part of me wonders if- now that she is gone- maybe I can be set free from this abusive relationship that I have with ME.

Something else that is REALLY hurting my heart right now is that my sister and my mom were "best friends." My sister brings it up all the time-how she has lost her best friend...the 2 of them went shopping every weekend, talked on the phone literally every single day, etc. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer in November 2010, she told several people..."I just don't know how 'Jane' is going to handle this...I am so worried about her." So, my sister "Jane" receives several calls from concerned friends and family per week-this has been going on since mom died. She receives on average 5-9 calls/week. I literally have not received 1 phone call since the funeral from family or mom's friends. And so again, I am feeling unworthy...not good enough, etc. And can I please say that I absolutely loathe the way I sound right now? So needy, so whiney...and yet so very hurt...and yes, maybe even broken. I'm afraid that I will never get better-that I will always get into sick relationships (by the way, I've never been married. Mom told me when I was 15 or 16 that no man would ever want to marry me because I was such a bitch)...so all of my relationships are with emotionally unavailable men-usually drug addicts and alcoholics. I'm afraid she was right-that I may never get to experience marriage. All of my friends tell me I'm lucky...but I feel like no man has ever thought enough of me to marry me...and I guess its the other way around...I never thought enough of me to get married. I've been engaged a few times, but again, emotionally unavailable, addicts, drunks, etc.

So that's where I am...Needless to say, I am struggling. I feel so bad about myself...I feel like I should be sharing this with a friend, but the truth is...I don't really have a lot of friends right now. I just don't have the energy to follow through with any plans...or even returning phone calls-so I end up hurting people's feelings when I cancel last minute, etc. I am grateful on the days when I can make it to the shower. I work from home so I guess showering has become optional. The truth is that I am scared to death that this is how I am going to feel for the rest of my life...I have a head full of knowledge, but no follow through?? No ambition to implement?? I don't know if that makes sense. In other words, I can help everybody with their problems...always know what to say, etc..but I'm the most screwed up person I know.

I would welcome any suggestions...I am just BEGGING you to be gentle...Tough love is too painful for me-I've had it for 40 years and I'm so over being beat up verbally by myself and everyone else...Many blessings to all of you...Can you believe I feel guilty about asking for people to respond gently? That's me...Thanks to all who read this...I hope it makes sense :)

May May

hey Julie..

welcome..

Listen i don't know a whole lot ,

and when you ask for suggestions..

suggestions for what?

i am not being critical, what do you want Julie?

Do you know what you want?

Do you know who Julie is? You say you have been thru therapy,

and I have said this more than once here in this space,

I don't hold a lot of respect for that particular field.

I find that therapy breaks more people than it mends ( but this is just my opinion talking)

I will give you the only advice that has ever really worked for me..

My grandfather used to tell me to get it out..

Scream it, cry it ,rant it, rave it, talk it ,shout it ,empty it out

and when your done

when nothing else is left...

sit in the most peaceful and beautiful place you know

and wait..

because you will be filled

with the answers,

the directions

and then

just start following what your heart tells you.

don't think it will be easy...

if you wanted easy, then stay in the unhappy space.

Some days I thank grandpa in my head

and other days he gets a few unkind thoughts..

thats my suggestion, until I know more of what your looking for...

~smile~

Again , welcome

(*)

terri

ahhh....julie!

welcome, woman!

you came to the right place!

this group is so gentle and kind and loving........

glad you trusted enough to put it out there like you did.

i'm sorry for your pain. i really really am.

and didn't you love what ms. frustrated fred said?

fred is a 'she' by the way....and full of wisdom.

i don't think i have much to offer but open arms. and a belief that we can

muddle thru and heal. i really believe it.

maybe we should ask how have people found healing?

i like fred's way...of dumping out the bad stuff and opening up to the good stuff.

i think bottom line is it's completely all about us.

it's all about learning to love that little girl you used to be and

the woman you are now.

which i think is a lifetime of baby steps.

let's wander thru the baby steps together......

Sheri

Julie,

You so clearly articulate the pain that so many of us know. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Like Ter says, this is a safe place with women who are walking their commitment to growth and healing.

I can offer my experience, both with wounds left by a wounded mother and with therapy.

My current understanding is that the hole that is left in us when we have not received the mothering that we needed is kind of permanent. We find stuff to put in there, but it is there. I live with that hole.

But I absolutely believe that we can thrive, live fulfilling lives, have wonderful relationships even with that hole. I consider it a disability, maybe. Like Fred says, we do the empyting (maybe of the stuff that we try to stuff in there) until we are empty. We do the waiting, the allowing, the accepting. And a little at a time, we learn that we are not the disability. We are human beings that happen to have this in ourselves.

Like Ter says, we can give that mothering to ourselves...to our inner child. I do find that is a healthy way to fill that hole.

And it takes time. For a long time I felt that so much of my life was wasted in the craziness, in the kinds of experiences you so forthrightly put out there. But I don't feel that way any more. More than anything, I feel real. I am sad that I experienced the feeling that I did not belong. I still go there, truthfully. But I also know that the muddling and the healing bring such gifts. We get to a point where we refuse to be anyone but ourselves. We insist on 'real.'

Now about therapy: My path did include therapy. As well as reading, sprititual work, sharing with other women. I counsel with a woman who is simply gifted as a therapist. I have counseled with a total of five therapists. The first was gifted, compassionate, and helped me through the beginnings of that first phase of emptying. The next three were actually detrimental to my well-being. The last of the three, I believe, was put into my life as a wake-up call to start trusting myself, regardless of what the "authority" said. It has taken me a couple years to get her out of my head and be able to trust the woman that I currently work with.

Personally, I do not belive that therapy is the only way to heal. But I guess I do believe that healing can only take place in the context of relationship. Wondering if that might make sense to you?

So glad you took the step and wrote what you did. Looking forward to wandering through the baby steps together. I hope you can take hope from our community here.

Sher

terri

julie? you out there? did we scare you away? :)

Mary_Ellington

Hey, Julie,

There was a lot of pain and sadness in your post. I agree with the other ladies, this is a safe place to put some of the thoughts that are spinning around in your head.

My Dad died in January. I know all about the pain of loss. I'm still a big ball of grief that I have to work through. Dead or alive my Dad still wields great power over my sisters and I. Even when he's not here we tell play the same negative tapes. It's time I think to re-program our thinking. So much easier said than done.

I'm all for therapy because it worked for me. I was open to it. I trusted the process. I needed the safety and wisdom of someone I could trust with all of me. That said I've lost count of the number of therapists I've had. For awhile I thought it was because of me they were leaving. I know now that with each change there was growth that would not have happened if I'd stayed too comfortable.

When I read what Sheri had to say about the hole left from lack of mothering, the first thing I thought of was filling it up with some kind of potted plant. Something pretty, that smells good, that makes you smile. O sure there's lots of stuff that will come, like Fred says, but for the time being so you don't trip in the hole or fill it with stuff that's not good for you, fill it with something that will help you see light, not dark.

I think the way to love is to love yourself, all the parts of you. Love them like you wish others had loved you. Treat yourself the way you wish others treated you. Be there for yourself.

May May

i prefer to think that she is sitting with all the wonderful bits of wisdom that all of you have left for her. There is some LOVE here, and lots of good food for thought..

~smile~

terri

isn't it funny that it's good to read these notes? i mean, julie asked the question....
and yet i read and i think and i remember to love myself.....
these help me.......thanks you guys.....

Susie

Julie, I am so sorry for the pain you was feeling when you wrote your note so long ago. I'm hoping that you listened to and thought about what all of these beautiful women were telling you. I'm hoping that you come back every once in a while and reread their words and ponder them and sit with them. And, I'm really, really hoping that you're ok and doing something positive with your life. I'm praying that your 2 boys are not learning from watching you, in your unhealthy relationships, that any sort of tolerating less than excellence is ok, just to be with someone.....that since their mother puts up with feeling less than and undeserving of....... all women's expectations and tolerance to settle must be similar. I'm hoping that all these 6 months later, those boys are seeing that women and all creatures of the Earth are Sacred and should be treated with loving kindness and compassion. I'm hoping that if they are seeing you accepting some help and making changes that will carry you proudly, they will watch and learn that women can take terrible situations and turn them around with their strength, courage and support from the other beautiful women of the Universe, because that's what you are Julie; that's what we all are...and that's what we do for each other. Cuz Julie, those boys of yours are learning what they live and too soon, they will be someone's partner, lover, father....and we want them to be able to do that as you wish it had been done for you. You can stop the familial cycle that you're talking about here .... you can change it up and make it beautiful. That much is in your control and, I think, is your obligation as a mother. So, that's what I am hoping... And I'm hoping that you're ok, that you know you are worthy and deserving no matter what you've been told or are telling yourself, and that, since you've done it before.... you'll go out there and be big in the Universe.

Susie

" The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness and a deep, loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

Elizabeth Kubler Ross

And just look at all we've become!!

Susie

Julie,

I'm not trying to diss you in any way, but I'm just not sure that you realize what an effect your view of yourself and the way you walk through your life has on your children and the way that they will be walking through their lives as a result. My hope is that you've already figured that out and have decided that you want more for yourself and them, but in case you haven't and because somebody needs to speak up for all children, I hope that you'll watch this short video and be mindful of what you're exposing them to.

http://youtu.be/CWUtywfwsMw

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