Hi Lissy...I'll come out...

Laurel...beautiful Laurel...I'm so glad you did!!

You know. Being real here. Gonna call it like I see it. Call it raw, ok?

You talk of repressed anger and rage?! You're exactly right! It IS some crazy shit!! And that's just it!! Sometimes real isn't G-rated or PG-13. For some, real is rated R and XXX. Not all perty like with white picket fences and wrapped in a nice little package with a bow on top. Sometimes real is just as you described it in such graphic and vivid detail. Violent and horrifying, filled with unspeakable cruelty. Living in fear all the time. Feeling totally alone. Hopeless. Silenced.

Feeling suppressed, repressed for so long . And we live in a world that teaches us it is unacceptable, abnormal and shameful to express anger no matter the situation. I find that, in so many ways almost more heinous and egregious than the acts themselves. It is like another assault heaped on top of all the others.

It is time for us to give ourselves permission to come out with all that repressed rage. And even if that means it comes out kicking, screaming, fighting, cussin' and swearin'!

Especially that swearin' part! Because that's the part where I feel like I can let go, come clean and stand in the light of peace and dignity again. Whole...

ahhhhhhhh.......yes! i was gonna bring the topic over here next week when i had a little more time......so glad you beat me to it! get it rollin'......there's SO MUCH to talk about......

sunflower woman..........what you wrote about sounds really amazing to me.

Let the healing continue, women. You hit that 'post comment' button as long as what you say is real. Because for every one of us that is telling how it is, there are others reading and gleaning and healing right along side us.

I tend to censor the ugly, angry, dark part...its hardly ever socially acceptable and can't find too many folks that are interested in hanging with someone while they split down the middle and start spewing green pea soup...that's what it feels like sometimes...yet where do you go with that knowledge that inside of you is a monster, a monster that no one wants to really look at...thank god i have a therapist and a husband that is willing to walk this path with me...because most folks want a real whitewashed version, which is usually what they won't get from me...

>:D<

i'd like to take the 'monster theme' and explore that too.......figure i'll start a new thread as i do believe that's the thing zakk says is highjacking. so i'll go start a monster thread...... :)

ok, this is gonna be a long post...
I went to my first Depression & Bipolar group meeting last night.  Very glad I went. There was hope, a lot of understanding, and I received a bunch of resource information.  Talking to other people going through exactly what I was experiencing, well, it was just so so healing.  And we talked about the stigma, too.  It's pervasive, and I fully intend to advocate more about that.  The other thing I really liked about the whole thing was the warmth and humor of it all. Ok, so we're crazy. We have biploar! But, above all, we're all human. We all, and I mean everybody, we all have life-stuff to deal with.  And so the idea then is to find a way of doing that with some measure of dignity, with hopefullness, compassion and a boatload of humor. Not always gonna be perty, but we can try to shoot for that, you know?  All's I know is, I want something good to come from all this craziness, and I see that happening already.

:)

Lissy,

What I have just read I find thoughtful, respectful, self-disclosing and appropriate. Like the woman I'm coming to know as a friend. You have my support. I'm honored to share your journey.

wow.......i JUST read that post, ms. sunflower. 

Ms Sunflower...

Kristen,

I grew up in a bipolar family, and I too am bipolar.  Finally my doctor, who I trust, told me that as long as I sleep well, eat well, do not drug and drink I will manage this mental illness without medication.  I take medication because after many long dark shadow years, I have a low lying anxiety disorder that is being treated.  What a relief to release my anxiety after so many years!

Connection to a higher power and art, clay art, have really saved my sanity.  So very grateful. 

Thank you for sharing your stories.  Women have felt the dark side, almost like a beacon, in our society.  Dr Estes has a wonderful section on righteous anger in Women Who Run With the Wolves.  I photocopied the entire chapter and carried it with me for over a year, to read it when I needed support.  We support each other, those who Dr Estes call members of The Scar Clan.

i love that i keep bumping into people talkin' about clarissa!! isn't that just the best name? 'the scar clan'....i just love that........

Hello, all, hello Teri.  I also am bipolar and I just read the info Sunflowerwoman posted.  I had built my life around anger, flights of ideas, grandiosity, hypersexuality, and I built lifestyle habits along these lines.    And I am healthier than my brother and mother who were Emoticonspsychotic. I was so ashamed.

My beautiful mother, brother, aunt, uncle, grandfather were all bipolar, to a great extent.

 My grandfather's people were Methodist missionaries, Freedom Fighters in the south after the civil war, teaching disenfranchised freed slaves to read and write.  They were also working with the Lakota after the Lakota were forced into reservations.

By in large they were cross-eyed, bi polar, doing work no one else could or wanted to do.  I just found out about it.  We joke that if you were a freedom fighter after the war in the south it is better to be a bipolar freedom fighter!

I grew up confused, angry, violent, agonized and ran away when I was 17 years old.  I blamed every one else.  My poor father tried to care take this family to great harm to his health.  Again I am so sorry and ashamed.

My father even appeared to me after he died, to give me one last communication.  He was so sorry to leave the care-taking to me, but he had to go to work in the vast universes of our existence.  I credit his strong love,  the love of God Goddess,  and hard work with my healing.  I am so grateful to Harry.  I will always remember where I come from.

My oldest daughter has bi polar or Aspergers.  And she was born severely cross eyed.  She just blasted inappropiate rage as I was writing.  I could not say, 'This is Ok.  I forgive you.'  I say, this is inappropiate, go talk with you therapist.  Go outside to rage, not here, not again. Do not verably rip into your family.  Later she tried to appologize.  I said no.  i will not enable you.  You stop.

My work is to engender peace into our family, now that I have been well for quite a few years. 

This is a great place to tell my story.  Thank you for this forum.

wow...she's beautiful. thank you so much for sharing the photo.....
and wow.....that's a whole lotta bi-polar. i'm so sorry for all the pain...

the shame you speak of....has that gotten better? is that something you work with?
have you heard of brene brown? she works with shame and has some books out....
shame is sooooooo darn hard. when i have it i just can't get over how deep it goes.

i hope that's gotten better for you...

Thank you Terri,  sooo much better.  I finally realized that I was not to blame and that I had experienced extreme emotional abuse growing up.  It is hard to describe my childhood, but my mother could not take care of us and the environment was toxic.  Harder on my brother.

We were taken care of by maids, in Washington DC.   I am indebted to these powerful  black mamas!

Helen was brilliant, as so many people are with bipolar spectrum disorder and Asperger's Syndrome now known as Autism Spectrum Disorder.  She was a woman before her time.  Eleanor Roosevelt was her heroine.

My mom was six foot 1 inch tall, the first woman journalist to cover the White House for Time Magazine and a reporter at The New Republic.  She would self destruct .  And like so many  who are born before their time, she felt out of place,  insecure and was very ill. Her life was very tragic.

I have tried to create a healing environment for my family.  I sought therapy and medication.  Some of the therapist used body movement and group therapy, some were not very orthodox.  I had a break through in 1999, although the road was rocky.

I have read many books on inner child, John Bradshaw The Family, Addiction, Co Dependence and Enabling. And yet the shame continued.  I had frequent shame attacks!  Then I read Clarissa.

I worked with a brilliant honest therapist for 3 years every week and finally learned true self love.  I love my inner little girl, and my best friends are also wounded but healed.  When I feel in danger, I climb the mountain to seek knowledge and healing. I want to hear more stories, more healing, more peeling of the onion so to speak.  Love heals.

I haven't heard of Brene Brown.  Looking into it.

Sending healing love,

Hi Terri, one more thing Clarissa writes about that helps.

She said when all else fails and events are out of hand or you can't solve the problem or issue.  When you are so angry or shamed, one must retreat, calm down, act like a woman, fluff your duff and go back with dignity.

catherine....have i said like five thousand times that i'm reading women who run with the wolves again? i just posted a clip from it in my blog. it's slow going as i don't take enough time to read. but i promised myself a few pages a day. my gosh,that woman just hits my core like no other writer.

Catharine -
I have many things I wish to talk to you about . So many things you've brought up. Nice to have folks to bounce things off of. For now, I just want to let you know I've been following along with you, and my heart goes out to you in every way!

This is such a nurturing space Terri's created for all of us! Look forward to walking the spiral with you.
Arms all around ya
Sunny

I was back in DC this weekend, to celebrate.  Had a lot of fun, brought back memories.  However my brother has disappeared.  We have filed a missing persons report with the police, they have checked the hospitals etc.

This just goes to show that the Universe, not I, have made it true.  What is, is.  Please pray for my brother.  He is a good man.

Thank you all,
Catharine

catharine! what exactly does that mean?

he ran away when he knew I was coming .  he lives there in a supervised apartment program and he had been role playing with his therapist for our arrival.  but he didn't show up for work.  thursday and has not been seen.  I spoke with him last weds and thought he was ok, but now I just think prayer will help. 

I cannot control people places and things. I  can only be ready for what may happen, make good choices. 
Sure I may plan, I may avoid certain toxic situations, or have a car, not a ride, so that I can leave if i feel upset or scared when I am out of my comfort zone.  But at some point my choice may be retreat,  review, accept the new situation and hold my head high.  I turn some very toxic stuff over to Life and all that Lives, to the Universe, because control or worry or planning will not work.  What is, is.  That is why I envision good out comes, but ultimately have learned to release control.

wow...
i'm workin' on that now, catharine.....being okay with outcomes.

i have one particular dark story in my life that i can't say i'm okay with.
i try. but i'm not there.
and actually, it's been one of the big things i'm struggling with lately.
i blogged about it a bit....cause i read something in clarissa's book the other day....
about being able to stand what you see.
she was talking about inside yourself.
but i took it for outside myself.
for this thing in my life.

standing what i see.
that whole concept got me really thinking.....

if you can stand what you see, you must be rooted in something bigger.
so i've been doin' some thinking about my roots....and where the are and
what they're dug into....

to life this life fully, it sure takes some introspection.
at least for me, anyway.....

sorry. that all came up because of your last lines.
i will keep your brother in my prayers.....

your words have me thinking....how I let go of one particularly dark dark story,
something a child should never have seen.
I have these trigger spots, sometimes just sent me reeling.  I have post traumatic stress disorder,
because repetative exposure to toxic stuff or ways i coped with my feelings got into my bones.
I tried EMDR, Eye Movement Desentizing Reprocessing,
useful for veterans with PTSD.  I used it one time on that dark dark story, and it worked,
I stowed it away.  i remember it but it doesn't hurt me so much anymore.
i love your site, bone sigh, because that is the way it is, it gets into your body, bones, fascia and organs. also I was healed by many healers, i was very fortunate.

one healer, a physical therapist, used fascia release and pulled my internal organ back in to place. 

she made me whole again and i again am grateful
yes rooted in something bigger,
yes we can stand what we see because we are survivors and wise women.
being at one with the universe,
letting her energy roar up from my feet and out of the top of my body
I will look for more of your blogs

i think this 'standing what you see' is one of the biggest thoughts for me right now
in my growing.
i don't have it down yet.
it's gonna take some work, some practice, and a whole lotta patience.
i don't think i'll ever find wisdom without it....so i know it's something i gotta do....
when i figured that out, on the side, i figured out i couldn't do it if i wasn't rooted in something else.
and THAT part i find the most exciting of all. THAT's the part that's gonna be taking me somewhere. i guess before it takes me somewhere, i gotta figure out where my roots are...
one step at a time.

i have heard great things about EMDR. great things.
glad you've found your healing, catharine......

i
      root chakra
it can be deceiving, like riding on a pink cloud.  i want to be happy and whole, and renew each day.  life is a gift, that is why we call it the present. one day at a time, sometimes moment to moment.  heart open, take a few risks.

i like the idea of being rooted, in this case, in art.  I have an opening at a gallery on Sept 29, and that keeps me rooted.  Yessssss

my journey is my root, and there is no place for shame as i conduct my life in responsible way.  suit up, show up, have fun

'my journey is my root.'

wow.......don't think i ever woulda looked at it that way......
you got me thinking for sure.
i'm even writing that down.
the things i really need to think about i end up blocking so much of the time........

Because Sunflower Woman talked about the need to be able to find the humor in issues that are otherwise quite humorless.....issues that we have little to no control over.... issues that some would call gifts (yeah, I'm going with gifts), and others might call curses (I don't believe in curses/ we have no control over our inherent brain chemistries and we certainly didn't ask for it or do anything to "deserve" it) ..........

That being said........ can I Just say a few words on the topic of  Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar Disorder!!!

I HATE it...........It's so Awesome!! 

Just kidding.....No, Seriously

Really though, sometimes we just gotta let go of the perceptions and stigmas that we have all assigned to all of the different psychiatric disorders. The having of one is no different than the having of diabetes or heart disease.

They just is what they is.... and we do what we can to keep ourselves as healthy as we can in the skin we are given....

And sometimes we just gotta let go of the "being cursed" and turn it around to being given a gift..... and where else can you get a free and legal buzz that will help you get your house cleaned, your neighbor's house cleaned, your house cleaned again, your neighbor's car washed, your lawn mowed, your cupboards rearranged, my stone path laid, the neighbors hair dyed and cut, etc., etc.....             Oh the things we can do.......until we crash.....

I love me some Bipolar!!! IT SUCKS!!!

 

 

 

 

i loved the legal buzz part....made me laugh.........

Part 1

I can talk about Mental Health Scenarios til the cows come home.  I could write books about the funny stuff ( cuz sometimes we really do have to laugh, so that we don't cry). I could write books about the really hard scenarios that come with my work (cuz I've seen way too many people give up and end their torment). I could write movies about the crazy situations people find themselves in when they decompensate or quit taking their meds (and like they say.... you can't make this shit up). And I could write volumes on the horrific injustices that our societies have inflicted and continue to inflict on good, decent people who have made poor choices as a result of being menatlly ill and periodically unstable. I'm not particularly proud of any expertise I might have in those instances. But what we need and what I would really like to see here is some discussion, maybe some discourse, some ways to bring education and awareness to community leaders and law makers and criminal justice systems and medical care providers and neighbors and families and mental health consumers and teachers and CHILDREN (who aren't as naive and uninterested as we would like to believe that they are)  on ways that we can dispel myths, remove stigmas and inform and help folks. To help prevent isolation, incarceration, cremation, indignation, frustration....all those other nasty "ations" that are hurtful, demeaning and deadly. I don't want to sound crast or pushy, but come on people....  children as young as 4 and 5 are suiciding every day in this "land of plenty",  this "country of compassion" .... And why are they going to such extremes? There are so many reasons that seem practical to them. Our governments have cut funding of children's and adult's mental health budgets to the quick. They and their parents are no longer "entitled" to psychiatric medications, therapies or rehab. They've been removed from the "being worthy" of such services - typically cold turkey - boom, you're done - "the meds and the psychosocial rehab supports that taught you new ways to express your hurts, the things that you had that helped you focus, stay in control of your anger and hurts and take the edge off of the anxiety and fears so that you could have anything close to success last year in school, we're going to need to use that money that purchased those meds and services last year because we're running a bit short on payoffs to pharmaceutical companies and bail outs for keeping those executive folks ( the ones that live just out of town, just out of view of the homeless shelters and low income housing units) in fresh sand for the trucked in beaches in the back yards of their mansions. They really need this sand worse than you need meds, cuz they've got business to take care and beach parties to throw. They need enough clean, sanitized sand to adequately bury their heads, so that they don't have to look and see you or your parents going with out. That might ruin their lunch.  Seeing poor and hurt and illness isn't pretty. They have no idea how hard it was for your dad to explain to your mom why he would go and lose his third job this month due to being a little wierd while he was looking through the garbage behind the restaura where he was washing dishes. they don't particularly care that your dad's going back to the big house because stealing food out of a garbage dumpster is a felony theft charge if that garbage was worth more than  $40 dollars before it was thrown out. They have no idea that your mom also had to quit taking her antidepressant last week, because its not on the formulary at the homeless clinic. They don't really care to know that when she took her last dose last week, she started into a brain chemistry wreck that will throw her so off kilter that she will no longer be able to take care of you and your siblings, that she will fall so far into the abyss that ending her life seems like the only way out and maybe even easier than stroking out or having seizures because her body didn't know how to go cold turkey off her meds that had kept her alive, functioning and stable. And they could give a rat's ass that you don't care to live in the children's shelter while you're parents try to figure out what they did wrong and how they're going to prevent having something so careless and neglectful from happening again, after they get out of prison and the state hospital.

 

So why did 5 year old Nicholas decide that it would be better if he weren't such an emotional and financial drain on his parents, that his school would be better off if he weren't there, sitting with his anger, resentment and confusion, that he would be better off if he didn't have to live with the bullying and ridicule he received every single day at his school and at the children's shelter, that putting a belt around his neck would hurt a lot less than life does? I can't say for sure, but I'm thinking that it was for the same reason that 1 or 2 other children between the ages of 5 and 10 have decided to end their lives every single day and the same reasons that their older siblings suicide about three times a day across the country. They just don't see another way out of a society that doesn't understand them, doesn't want to understand them and would really just as soon pretend that they don't really exist any how.     And there's tons of reasons that Nick's mom found to suicide, but I think that the biggest factor, the one that pushed her right over the edge into darkness was the loss of Nick and her feelings that she had completely abandoned her sons while she was commited to the state psych hospital. That's pretty much what she had been told by the system who took away her kids and the system that took away her meds.

Just sayin!!.... Can you tell that I get a little bit pissy when it comes to the way we treat the most vulnerable members of our society and the way we continue to have flawed beliefs that allow us to pretend that these folks, if we don't have to look at them and they don't come poking their business in our part of town, then they don't really even exist and we don't need to fund services for folks who don't exist.Oh yeah, the other reason these people no longer exist? Because we did such a good job with them that they don't need our services. We cured them !!!!!  Greyhound therapy always works real well in these kinda situations too! Give em a one way ticket to paradise and then hurry and lock the doors so they don't think that any body's home. Nice work ass wipes!   Geez.... don't even get me started. See there Terri, you can dress me up, but you can't take me out. Sorry guys, but Nick's story needed to be told. And all of our stoies need to be told, lest we continue to lose more and more precious children and adults as a result of stigma and ignorance. Want to help?  Need information? 

 

 

thanks, susie......

Susie~

There is so many different things I would add to what you said,

but adding does not make the pile smaller

in no way does it diminish the force of your rage

does not change the system or the weight of mother culture as she teeters about

shushing us saying" pay no attention to that man behind the curtain"

As big as the picture is,

we do what we can

from where we are standing.

it might take a lot of little bites to eat the whole bear

but slow and steady

wins that race..

Walking 

crawling

cheering 

right next to you

hand in hand

the road is long

but we will get there by and by

 

Not sure if anyone can help...
My psychologist recently told me about the Parity Law...which basically states that insurance companies can't charge a policy holder more for mental health than physical health co pays and mental health practitioners can't be considered specialists. 

I'm in the middle of arguing with my insurance company on this...they keep saying my psychologist is a specialist and are charging me twice the amount to see her as my family doctor.  Anyone else dealing with this or know anything about it?

stitched, i don't........but if you like i can post the question up on the bone sigh arts facebook wall.......or you can....and see if anyone there knows.........

Stitched,   I have asked around and everybody has told me the same thing that I had already figured...... a psychologist is no more and no less a specialist than your family doctor. A psychiatrist is not even a specialist.....unless they have a specialty license, such as a neuropsychiatrist...... which requires additional schooling and residency.

So....I think your insurance company would have a hard time validating their position and I would hold them to do that if they continue to charge more and claim that you are seeing a specialist. I'm sure that your psychologist would like to get paid as a specialist would, but I can almost guarantee that your insurance is not reimbursing them at a specialist rate.

I'll ask our psychiatrist when I see him next and see what his thoughts are about it.

Hi, Susie.
Thanks for the info.  I now know that it really is a law that insurance can't charge more than they do for a regular doctor.  I have Websites and phone numbers to report the insurance company. 

Right now, all of that information is in the hands of human resources where I work.  I also found out that my company is where the problem is (although I would think the insurance company would want to comply with the law), so they are taking a look at it.

I usually don't speak up about things, but...an extra $10 a week sure does add up if you don't need to be paying it.